Chapter Text
And you’ll never lose me.” Jonathan’s voice cracked as he stood up, taking three long strides towards his brother.
“Or me.” Lucas said, jumping up immediately. This didn’t surprise Mike, Lucas had always been the first in the party to accept change. Mike shook his head. But it wasn’t change, Will hadn’t changed. He glanced over at Dustin who stood up next,
“Or me.”
“Or me.” Mike finally said, standing up. His legs were trembling and he felt light headed. The name Tammy bounced around his head like a bouncy ball. He threw his arms around the boys, his hand caressing the back of Will’s head for a moment. His soft hair, silky between Mike’s fingers. His hand fell to Will’s back, he could feel him trembling. For a moment, Mike wished he could push the others away and engulf Will in his arms and take him away. He had always been protective of Will, specially in moments he knew Will felt vulnerable. Like that Halloween when he could hear Will calling for him, it was so faint. Mike knows now it was because of Will’s visions. But then, it felt as if a memory was calling to him, perhaps a ghost. He could feel Will all around him but also not at all. A collection of, “Or me’s,” echoed around the room. “I guess you didn’t need truth serum, huh?” Robin chirped, a gasp escaped Steve’s mouth as he turned wide eyed towards her - like he finally understood.
As the hug dispersed - Mike stumbled backwards, Joyce’s hand caught him at the small of his back. He turned to look down at her, she felt so small compared to him. Barely hitting his shoulders. She was looking up at him, a soft smile sitting on her lips. He returned the smile, breaking eye contact to look back at Will who was bent over hugging Max in her wheelchair. He felt a small shove and glanced at Joyce again, this time just out the corner of his eye. She was still looking at him, her eyes full of understanding. Mike didn’t move. She nodded softly and pushed past him, reaching for Jonathan. Mike watched as she wrapped her arms around him tight and kissed his head. A sense of relief washed over both of their faces as they pressed their foreheads together, tears streaming down their face.
Mike continued to stand still, watching as the team trickled out of the room, preparing for what was to come. Soon it was just Will and Mike left. Will turned to Mike, tears still streaming out of his face, this time Mike didn’t hold back at all. He practically ran across the room, throwing his arms around Will and pulling him into his chest as tightly as he could. Now it was Will who was trembling. Mike nuzzled his face into Will’s hair, breathing in for just a moment before pulling back enough he could look at his best friends face. Will was avoiding Mike’s eye contact but kept his arm tight around his waist. Mike pulled him back in, glancing around the room to assure they were alone.
“Hey,” Mike said, his voice appearing mousy. “I’m really p-proud of you, you know.” His legs began to shake again. He felt as though they would give out on him right there. Will nodded, pulling back from the hug, dropping his arms to his side. One of Mike’s hands lingered on Will’s arms a moment. He gave it a light squeeze, before pulling away and stuffing both hands in his pocket. Will gave him a quick glance before turning and heading out of the room, leaving Mike alone. Mike gasped for air, not realizing just how much he been holding in. He took his hands out of his pocket, bending over and placing them on his knees. In. Out. In. Out. He breathed slowly, keeping his eyes focused on his shoes. He could feel a lump in his throat, it felt like it was slingshotting up and down. He felt hot, like his skin would burst into flames at any moment. ‘He’s just my Tammy.’ Will’s voice played over and over in his mind. Tammy. Who’s Tammy? Mike closed his eyes, trying to picture every face he had ever met in Hawkins. Maybe it was someone from Lenora. Mike stood up, almost falling backwards when he saw Jonathan standing across the room. His arms were folded and his head bent down, as if to give Mike some privacy. He glanced up and caught Mike’s eyes, offering a smile.
“I’m coming.” Mike said, almost harshly. “I just need a minute, just one,” He bent over again, that feeling returning to his throat. He could here Jonathan’s feet crossing the room towards him, before feeling his hand landing on Mike’s back.
“Di-did that make it feel too real, for you?” He asked, his voice soft. Mike shook his head, keeping it down. He was embarrassed. Tammy. She was haunting his inner narrative.
“Who’s Tammy?” Mike finally asked, his voice cracking. It was silent for a moment, Mike stood up again, finding Jonathan’s eyes focused contact. Jonathan’s hand settled on Mike’s shoulder.
“I really don’t know.” Jonathan said, shaking his head softly, his shoulders shrugging. “But I do know,” He gave Mike’s shoulder a light squeeze. “Do you remember the day Will gave you his painting?” Jonathan asked. “You were sat in the back of that,” He scoffed. “God awful smelling van.” A small chuckle escaped his mouth. Mike nodded and Jonathan nodded with him. “There are a lot of answers there. You just have to be willing to see them.” He smiled once more, “I’ll tell them you have nervous tummy or something.” Jonathon turned to leave the room.
“Seriously?” Mike asked, his cheeks growing red.
“Yeah,” Jonathan said glancing over his shoulder. “Should buy you at least five minutes. No one wants to hear or smell that.” He disappeared around the corner. Mike heard the front door to the SQWK close. He turned around looking at the couch, the setting sun coming through the window, cascading over it’s seats. Mike walked over and stacked two of the pillows together and then sat down next to it. He looked over at it and scooted farther away, until he could feel the space that had been between Will and himself that day.
“Okay, Wheeler.” He muttered to himself. “Think. Think. Think.” He closed his eyes,
‘Without heart, we all fall apart.’ He could see Will so clearly it was if he was back in that van. ‘Even El, especially El.’ Mike shook his head. This entire conversation was about El. Why did Jonathan think there were answers here? ‘These past few months she’s been so… lost without you. It’s just she’s so, different from other people and when you’re… when you’re different..’ Mike swallowed hard. ‘Sometimes you feel like a mistake but y-y-you make her feel like she’s not a mistake at all. Like she’s better for being different and that gives her to courage to fight on. If she was mean to you or - or she seemed like she was pushing you away, it’s probably just because she’s scared of losing you, just like you’re scared of losing her. And, and if she was going to lose you, I - I think she would just rather get over with it quick.. like, like ripping off a bandaid. So, yeah, El needs you, Mike and she always will.’ A blow hit Mike’s gut. He opened his eyes. Fuck. The conversation had never been about El, it had always been about Will. The one who looked at him like the sun rose and set just because he existed. The one who held his soul out for Mike to take, no hesitation or reservation. Mike leaned back into the couch. How had he been so - dense? So completely self centered. But who the fuck is Tammy? Mike held up a middle finger to the space Jonathan had disappeared from. He groaned, closing his eyes again. Maybe there is something he isn’t remembering. Will’s eyes. Will’s mouth. Will’s breathing. Will’s mouth. Will’s hands. Will’s mouth. That’s all Mike could remember. But why? Then it hit him, like a ton of bricks. He had known it was about him, in that very moment and in all the moment’s before. At the Snowball dance, that day in the rain, Halloween, so many days, years. He had always known Will was, his. Mike felt tears burn in his eyes. Then why did it feel like such a shock to his system at the same time? Like some big secret that everyone had been in on, except him. Was it because he didn’t like boys? Because he had always liked El? Mike bit at the inside of his cheek. I don’t like boys. I couldn’t like Will. Will is a boy. Mike groaned again, this time louder and almost like a whine.
10 Months Prior
El frowned as she walked around Mike’s room. Her fingers tracing each surface as she went. She carefully took in each detail: the posters on the wall, the stacks of cassettes scattered across Mike’s nightstand, the pile of crumpled clothes on the floor - the lack of clothes on hangers in the closet. Her eyes stopped scanning when she saw Mike’s desk. She walked towards it, glancing down at the chair and seeing a jacket folded neatly, placed on the seat. El leaned over the desk looking at the painting Mike had laid out. She recognized it from Lenora, she had watched Will work on it for weeks. He carefully mixed colors, tossing them, starting over after carefully examining them. He insisted they just weren’t right, though to El each shade looked the same as the last. Next to the painting she saw an open notebook with, “Defeating the Three Headed Dragon” written across the top. She picked it up and flipped the pages, Mike was writing another story. El began to place the notebook down when something caught her eye. A bright blue color drawn on paper was sticking out of a binder. Mike had started drawing too? She quickly put the notepad down and snatched up the binder eagerly. El looked around to make sure she was still alone before opening it. She saw a drawing of a wizard in a long blue cloak and then a drawing of someone who looked like Mike with a sword and the wizard again. She flipped the page and then another and another. Drawing after drawing, progressively getting worse, sloppier, more kid like. There must have been hundreds of them. She got to the last one in the back of the binder. It was simple - bland figures and poorly done at that. In the corner in much better, feminine handwriting it said: William Byers, 1977. El quickly slammed the binder closed.
“El! Dustin and Lucas are here!” Mike yelled from downstairs.
El kept her eyes on the binder for a moment before putting it down and stepping into the hallway, “Coming!” She waited, listening for the conversation downstairs to resume before returning to Mike’s room. She began to quickly pick things off the desk looking, then she moved to the drawers. School papers, D&D plans, what looked like a stale piece of bread. She huffed, looking around the room once more.
“What’s taking so long?” Mike teased, interrupting her thoughts. She turned and looked at him, quickly wiping the tears forming in her eyes. Mike didn’t seem to notice. He was leaning into the bedroom, one hand gripping the doorframe. He was smiling wide and looking at her with a confused look.
“I-,” She leaned over and grabbed the jacket from the chair. “I’m cold.” Mike’s smile dropped slightly as she shook it, unfolding it.
“Okay.” He stepped into the room and spun in circles looking around before leaning over and picking up a blue jacket from one of the piles on the floor. “Here, you can wear this one.” He said, holding it out to El, his other hand grabbing for the jacket she was holding.
“But I like this one.” She said, pulling the first jacket back. “I like the yellow.”
“Yeah.” Mike reached for it again, grabbing it. “I do too but it’s Will’s.” His voice was now cold and his face was stern. He wasn’t looking at El but instead her hand gripped around the jacket. El stood still for a moment, waiting for Mike to meet her eyes but when he didn’t she let go. “Here.” He said, almost shoving the blue one at her. El watched as Mike folded the yellow one and returned it to the chair at his desk. When he finally turned around to look at El, she threw the blue jacket on the ground and stormed past him and out of the room.
Mike peddled in silence next to El, looking forward at Lucas and Dustin who were far enough ahead they were out of ear shot. Next to him, El peddled slowly. Jonathan had taught her just a few months prior, in Lenora. He had told her it was a big brother’s right to teach his siblings. She fell a lot in the begging but he never stopped being optimistic that she would get it and eventually, she did. Though it was easier now that her powers were back because then she could use them when she began to lose her balance. Dustin had told her that was cheating but then she made him hit a rock and flip over and he hadn’t made a comment since.
“Mike?” She asked, once she was comfortable in her rhythm. Next to her Mike grunted. She knew he was upset and confused over her reaction of the jacket. “Do you still have my letters?” El glanced over at him and saw the frown form between his eyes.
“Letters?” He asked, still looking ahead.
“From when I lived in Lenora.” El said, the frustration in her voice growing.
“Oh. Uh.” Mike rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. “Yeah. I’m sure I have them somewhere.” He mumbled. El stopped peddling and put her feet down, bringing her to a stop. She stared at the back of Mike’s head waiting for him to notice. He soon stopped and kicked his feet on the ground, rolling back to be next to her. “What?” He huffed. El got off her bike, letting it fall to the ground.
“In a binder?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest. The confusion on Mike’s face disappeared as he looked at El, she watched as it turned to defensiveness. “Like Will’s drawings. Are they in a binder?” Mike opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it. El let out a loud sigh and picked up her bike, throwing her leg over it. Mike reached over and gripped her handlebar.
“No.” He said softly, almost sheepishly. “I don’t have any of them.” He admitted, looking down at his hand on her bike. His fingers slowly drumming. “El,”
“Do you love Will?” El asked, cutting him off. Mike quickly retreated his hand and gripped it tight to his own bike. His eyes narrowed and he looked ahead, noticing that Dustin and Lucas were now out of eye sight.
“N-n-no. No.” The frown returning to his eyebrows. “I like girls.” He said. “I like you, El.”
“Like.” El said so quietly Mike could barely hear it. He returned his gaze to El.
“I can’t like Will. Will is a boy.” Mike hit his chest, “I am a boy. Do you understand?” He paused before whispering, “I can’t like a boy.” The look in his face was the same as the night they pulled the fake Will from the water. Angry. Afraid. Heartbroken, but mostly, lost. Like he was unsure of what to do tomorrow. As if the thought of not having Will, left his world empty - without purpose. Mike’s lip trembled. “Will is a b-boy. Okay?” He repeated again, his voice cracking and the tears spilling out of his eyes. This time it was El who reached over, taking his hand.
“Pretty boy?” She smiled softly, waiting for his eyes to meet hers. They sat in silence long enough Mike could see Lucas and Dustin return to view as they headed back to see what had happened. He waved at them and gave them a thumbs up before turning to El,
“Yeah.” He said in almost a whisper. “A pretty boy.”
The door to the SQWK slammed hard behind Mike as he stomped down the stairs, his eyes set on the crowd surrounding the opening of the truck. His eyes scanned for Will but instead met Jonathan’s again. Jesus fucking Christ. Mike pulled his bag tighter around him, brushing shoulders with the others as he worked past them to the truck. A sea of farting noises and groans arose as he squeezed between Lucas, Dustin, and El.
“Fuck off.” He muttered, hoisting himself up. His eyes finally met Will’s, he was towards the front of the truck exchanging whispers with Robin. Mike scoffed,
“Let’s go!” He yelled, turning to the rest of the party. “Let’s go-o-o!” He slammed his back into the wall, hiding in a corner behind one of the metal shelving units. The team started to pile in, each of them shooting looks at Mike.
“Feeling better?” Nancy stopped to ask, her eyes had concern for her brother but her mouth was forcefully in a straight line as to not laugh. Mike’s eyes narrowed.
“Fine.” Nancy softly hit his chest with her fist and continued on.
Soon the truck had started moving and the chatter in the truck lessened. Everyone seemed to be in their own heads, other than Robin and Will who’s whispers stayed constant.
Mike’s head smacked the wall behind him. Fuck.
“Jesus Christ.” Steve mumbled slightly irritated, as everyone in the cargo bin had flung to the side as Murray took his entrance into the Upside Down at full speed. Mike rubbed his head, looking around confused. He looked at Robin, who clung to the metal shelving, eyes closed, mumbling under her breath to Vickie on the walkie-talkie. Next to her Dustin was beaming at Lucas and nodding his head muttering the lyrics to some hard rock song Eddie had introduced him to. Mike rubbed his eyes and looked over at El. She was leaning against the side of the truck, eyes closed, seemingly unbothered. Mike’s eyes scanned over the others, his heart beating loudly - shouting it’s desperation in finding Will. He needed to see him, to see his eye’s looking back at him. Even if he couldn’t touch him. He ached for Will’s smile. Jonathon stepped closer to Joyce, opening Mike’s direct eyesight to Will. He felt a lump develop in his throat, he swallowed hard.
“Will!” He called across the steady hum of conversation. Will’s head popped up, meeting Mike’s eye contact immediately, as if he had always known exactly where he stood. Will smiled, the right side of his mouth tugging up slightly higher than the left. Mike took a step towards him,
“Incoming!” Murray called from the front, suddenly the trailer hit a hard thud sending everyone in the air. Mike stumbled backwards into the wall again. He turned to El again,
“You ready?” Mike asked.
“Ready.” She said, nodding once. Silence followed between them, though nervous chatter and the rattling of the truck was starting to rise around them. He glanced back over at Will, who was watching Nancy fidget with her gun and was pointing at parts, softly asking her questions. Mike could see the slight annoyance on his sister’s face, despite providing Will with an answer every time. A smile tugged at the corner of Mike’s mouth. “You really care for him.” El whispered, a sense of both statement and question of reassurance lingered on the word, ‘him’. Mike tensed, he stuffed his hands to his pockets.
“Yeah.” He nodded eagerly, catching himself and forming his lips in a tight line. “Yeah, he’s my friend.” He said flatly.
“Best friend.” El corrected, she spoke slowly and softly. Mike shot her a look out of the corner of his eye. Will is just my friend. Mike thought. Then why are you disappointed in that decision? “You’re my best friend, too.” El added. Mike smiled back at her before his eyes returned to watching Will. Stupid. The truck came to a sudden halt and everyone stumbled, bumping into each other. Will giggled as Lucas pushed him jokingly off him and into Dustin, who wrapped his arms around him saying something Mike couldn’t hear. Mike swallowed hard, his fists clenching in his pockets.
Moments later the truck door slid up, revealing Murray standing with his arms held out wide - his glasses slightly fogged up, “Alright, you little shits! Welcome to my personal favorite level of hell, the inside of Vecna’s asshole!”
“Steve, is that why you love it here?” Robin chirped as she dragged Will closer to her. Mike stood up straighter.
“I should’ve left you in that Russian dungeon.” Harrington snapped back from the other side of the trailer. Mike looked at El, who hadn’t moved an inch.
Mike reached out and grabbed her hand, “It’s going to be okay.” He reassured her, the uncertainty eating at his stomach. “It’s a crazy plan, maybe even a stupid plan but,” He hesitated. It was hard to look at El, knowing there was a possibility he would never see her again.
‘You’re the heart, okay. You remember that. You’re the heart.’ Will’s words from all those months ago had echoed in Mike’s mind, endlessly. Mike was the heart. He wasn’t the truth teller, the reality reminder. He was the heart, the push the party needed to keep going, the eager encouragement that kept fear at bay. He squeezed El’s hand softly. “But as stupid as it is, no one is doing it alone.” Mike held El’s eye contact. “We are all fighting for you. With you. Together.” He felt a sting behind his eyes, a burn rising in his throat.
“Together.” El mouthed, no verbal sound escaping her lips. She threw her arms around Mike, gripping tightly, as if she expected it to be the last time too. Her head pressed against his chest. Mike wrapped his arms around her waist, gripping his own hands so that she couldn’t feel them tremble. As he pulled back El placed a hand on the back of his head and let it slowly fall until it cupped his cheek. “Friends don’t lie?” She asked, a sad smile appeared on her face.
Mike nodded, “Friends don’t lie.” El nodded and stood up straight. She walked to the edge of the truck and stopped. Hopper and Murray were having a quiet exchange on the ground. El ran her hand through her hair slowly, her fingers twirling strands of hair as she went. Mike watched as she pulled her hair up, securing it. “Still pretty.” He whispered softly, having not moved at all. She looked back at him and smiled once more before jumping off the bed of the truck and disappearing from his sight. Mike took a deep breath and looked out into the night, unable to move. He was nervous for El and wished he could go with her. Their relationship had been better since the breakup. Quieter but better. She no longer needed the affection from Mike that he couldn’t give her. And he no longer felt the insecurity of not being the superhero to El, that she was for him. In a lot of ways, they were closer now. They were family in a way they couldn’t be before and Mike would be damned if he let any of his family die.