Work Text:
Transcript of Revenge Pirate Radio— transcribed by Zheng YiSao, private investigator, on September 2 1st, 2025
-Hi, all! Welcome to our show. I am Stede Bonnet, here with Edward Teach and Israel Hands -not our real names, mind you!- and this is Revenge Pirate Radio, your slightly illegal source for entertainment, opinion, and other things that don't matter!
-Would anyone but Stede Bonnet decide that a radioshow about nothing was a good [beep] idea?
-Starting early, dude? Yes, long-term listeners will know that Iz here is why we have a bleep button. Keeps us on our toes on these late, late nights! He needs something to make his life meaningful in his old, old, old age!
-Fu[beep] you, Eddie!
-Ooh, Ed, you almost missed one!
-I bet I can get you to miss one before the night is out!
-Don't! We'll get fined!
-They'd have to find us to fine us, and, besides, you can afford any fines we get slapped with-
-We will lose our… oh, well, we don't have a license…
-Yeah, this is a pirate radio station, and we are using aliases, you dumb [beep] [beep]!
-Well, if we do get caught-
-We won't, Bonnet!
-But if we do, I don't want to make things worse for us!
-Well, then, you can [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]!
-Thank you, Ed for censoring Izzy's entire… speech there, even the non-sweary parts.
-If he keeps it up, I will bleep everything he says. Like everything-everything. Or turn off his mic entirely. You good, Izzy?
-………(unintelligible)Yeah.
-Alright, continuing on, let's play some music. As you know, listeners, we play talent from all over the place. We pick up CDs or digital downloads wherever we can find them, all from talent that mainstream corporate bloodsuckers wouldn't give a chance to! Here is our first of the night! This is… uh… Frenchie and the Black Cats!
-Izzy, we talked about this!
-Love, we've been doing this for months! If we were going to get caught-
-Hey, fellas, the mic is still hot.
-OH! Sh-
[aforementioned song plays]
-And we're back! That was Frenchie and the Black Cats with their song To Certain Death We Go. You know, I saw them play in a bar in Pittsburgh last year and they never fail to be awesome!
-Oh, right! You took me with you! They are quite entertaining!
-Amazing, Bonnet! You listened to something from this [beep] century?
-Iz…
-What? He likes that boring classical [beep].
-Izzy, I will shut your mic off…
-F[beep] sorry, Eddie.
-Playing that one over-cautions, Ed? That one wasn't a curse word.
-It started with F, and with Izzy, you can't be too careful, mate!
-That is true.
-Yeah, I'll even agree with that one.
-You heard it here, folks, all three of us agreed on something tonight! It is a rarity, but it happens!
-We are married, Eddie we had to at least agree on the…freaking 'I do's.
-Oooh, that sounded stressful, Izzy. Are you alright?
-Ugh, it was! And no, I am not!
-Well, folks, we have hit the point in the show where Izzy tries to watch his language! Bets are open as to how long he lasts tonight!
-I say five minutes!
- F….. excuse you!
-Alrighty, before Iz has a stroke, let's continue on with Ricky Banes and his song Left Behind.
[aforementioned song plays]
-And we are back again, dear listeners! That was Ricky Banes and Left Behind from his album On The Nose, but this was not the version on that actual album. I didn't know he did an acoustic version of that song! When did we get that CD?
-Uh… he sent it to me, directly.
-Why the f…frick would he send it directly to you? OH! Wait! Bonnet, wasn't he an ex of yours?
-A million years ago, yes, thank you, Izzy!
-Without the electric guitar and orchestra synth, it sounds tons more lonely. Like, you can tell it's a breakup song, but with just the acoustic, it goes from just a breakup song to a broken heart breakup song. Good choice, Stede, I'm glad-
-Oh sh…shhhh-sugar, that was you, Bonnet! The song is about you!
-Oh god.
-Huh. You know I never listened close before, but… yeah, Izzy's right! Wow, babe, you have a song!
-Yes, thanks, I like very much to be reminded that my ex wrote a song about our breakup and plays it up and down the entire country.
-Did you really leave him "weeping in the cold, cold rain"?
-No, Ed, I did not.
-His heart, apparently, "will never stop bleeding"! And you "saved him, only to disfigure him". Holy [beep], I mean, it sounds good in the [beep] song, but [beep] what the [beep] did you do to this poor guy, Bonnet?
-Gave up on the curse control, Iz?
-No, but I think this [beep] warrants it, yeah?
-Good lord, guys! Ricky, if you're listening in, it is a brilliant song, I apologize for the actions that led to its writing, and my partners here are f-[beep] barbarians!
-Whoa! Stede let one out! I almost missed bleeping it too!
-Eddie, this might be a sign of the freaking apocalypse!
-I hate you both so much right now.
-Hey, Bonnet, Ricky is kind of cute, do you think I-
-Izzy!
-Iz!
-Oh, come on! He can write me a song!
-Ok, to shut Izzy up, I am going to… (buzz and ringtone Chopin's Nocturne Op9 #2)
-Babe, shut your phone off.
-Oh…
-Who is it, Bonnet?
-Nevermind! No one! Wrong number! Play the next song Ed! (away from mic) How did he even know it was me? He doesn't know this alias! (at mic) Play the song, Edward!
-Which is the Hearty Heartless with Red Skies, and I really… oh that's mental! Ricky is calling you?
-No!
-Haha! Give me the phone, Bonnet. I wanna answer this!
-Absolutely not! HEY! Let go! (sounds of struggle)
-Guys! Hey! Uh… 'njoyth'musicfolks!
(More struggle sounds before the song plays)
-Well, we are back, barely. Stede needs a new phone and Izzy has a date.
-Izzy owes me a new shirt! Ugh! I should close the relationship for this.
-You do have veto power on my outside relationships, Bonnet.
-I know. But I won't use it. Hopefully it goes for you how it went for me, which will be an I told you so for the ages!
-And with that side of vindictive, let's turn to the next segment, which is us talking about stupid, random [beep]!
-Ed!
-What? Why should Izzy have all the fun? Besides, I have the [beep] bleep button so I [beep] know when I'm going to [beep] curse and can [beep] bleep it myself! ooh, this is fun! [beep] [beep] [beep]!
-Yeah, I'm giving up on [beep] censoring myself.
-I do appreciate that you try at least once a show, darling. Hopefully you lasted long enough to win someone some money.
-I lasted longer than you thought I would. Just like when we [beep].
-Oh my god, Izzy!
-And this sort of drama is what makes us popular! Music, fun, teasing, and generally boring [beep] no one else gives a [beep] about.
-Well, if no one else cared about it, then we wouldn't have a whole lot of listeners! Social media and the like says we certainly do! And we appreciate you all!
-Our fan-run page has actually better [beep] on it than I would have put on it!
-Darling, I've seen your Instagram. The bar is on the floor.
- [beep] you, Bonnet!
-There's currently lots of speculation as to who we really are, and how we chose the aliases. You're cute, dear listeners, I think it would be obvious!
-Here's the big secret, people! Bonnet didn't give us a [beep] choice!
-You know, we never really did talk about this before, and I think now is a good time for a history lesson!
-[beep][beep][beep][beeeeeeeeeeep]
-I chose our aliases for us because I am a history… uh… I like history. These names are from three of the most notorious pirates in history! I thought it was fitting to have pirate names on pirate radio! And, I mean…
-They can't see you gesturing at my beard, love. It's radio.
-Oh, right.
-Folks, he's trying to point at my beard, which is considerably shorter than it was a few months ago, because I discovered self-care. But it wasn't black, like it used to be.
-See, Edward Teach was the real name of the pirate Blackbeard-
-The beard hasn't been black in years. More like salt-and-pepper beard, but that name doesn't quite roll off the tongue as nicely.
-Stede Bonnet was an associate of Edward Teach's. Some say they were lovers. Some say Bonnet was simply Teach's prisoner. Either way, they sailed together for quite some time. Bonnet was a gentleman pirate-
-And a [beep] idiot and a [beep]. He was a rich dude who got bored of his wife and kids and ran off to play pirate. Got himself [beep] hanged in the end.
-He did try to escape prison dressed like a woman, though, and we know how our boy here does love a nice and pretty dress! Sequins and velvet, exquisite cashmere, and my favorite, that one little red silk number.
-I fancy a fine fabric! I am a bit of a clothes horse. And then there's Izzy here…
-Heh, yeah, you gave the one of us in his fifties the name of the seventeen year old first mate of Blackbeard who died before he was thirty.
-You're young at heart, Izzy, darling!
-[beep] off. You know, Hands is only in the records because Blackbeard shot him on a whim.
-And I would never!
-Eddie, you shoot me in a dream and you'd better wake up and apologize.
-Ooh, Iz comin' in hot with the movie quotes!
-And Hands turned in a bunch of other pirates to gain a pardon too, Izzy, don't forget that.
-Great.
-Well, he did out-live both Bonnet and Teach. Our Izzy will outlive us all!
-Yeah.
-He's also a character in Treasure Island. Apparently, Stevenson liked the name and made him a bad guy in his book. He still gets shot, though.
-[noncommittal snort noise]
-You didn't want to use the name Herriot, who was a slightly more prominent associate of Teach and Bonnet-
-Because it sounds like Harriet.
-Harriet, sweet Harriet-
-Ed, you quote that movie again and I will [beep] kick your [beep][beep]. I hate that movie!
-You got to quote a movie, I wanna do it too!
-I think Bonnet's first mate was named Ignatius Pell. Wanna be my first mate instead of Ed's?
-Ew no!
-Izzy it is. I mean, after several shows with that name, I do suppose it'd be silly to change it now.
-Alright now that everyone knows who we are… or are not, as it may be, let's continue on to more pressing matters!
-More pressing matters than stoking Bonnet's ego about historical crap that no one gives a [beep] about? Perish the [beep] thought!
-My ego is not stoked!
-No stoking on the air, boys!
-Yeah, Izzy!
-Oh, I'll show you-
-Iz, they can't see obscene gestures through the radio. And, listeners, you don't want to. It's really obscene.
-Izzy wants to be Happy Hard-on Harry, when he's really Baby Snooks.
-Who the [beep] is… Whatever, leave it to Bonnet! But, I suppose you think you're Abbott and Costello over there?
-Hey, I do know Who's On First!
-You [beep] would, Bonnet.
-I don't think Abbott and Costello, but maybe The Bickersons.
"You know, their scripts are public domain, I wonder if we could-
-I am not doing that!
-I think you'd make a terrific Blanche Bickerson, Izzy!
-The only Blanche I would want to be is on The Golden Girls!
-Haha, gee, Izzy is a fan of the man-eater, whodathunk?
-Shut the [beep] up, Ed!
-No. But, speaking of eating, the topic I originally chose for tonight's random talk segment was food!
-Why food?
-I dunno.
-Oh.
-Bonnet can talk about food, what with his tureens and snail forks and orange cake!
-That cake is delicious and you like it too!
-It was alright, but it barely tasted of oranges.
-Well, I am sorry I like more than mac'n'cheese!
-Everyone loves mac 'n' cheese! Moreover, it's Roach's mac'n'cheese, and it tastes like mermaid [beep], so [beep] you and your froo-froo high-brow-
(phone buzzes, but no ringtone this time)
-Oh… Hey, Stede, Iz… (inaudible whispered conversation for about 20 seconds) Well, folks, it seems our show must be cut short tonight! We have some… business to take care of.
-(background, almost inaudible) Yes, like staying out of the way of (inaudible) Spanish (inaudible)
-So that is it for Revenge Pirate radio for tonight! Signing off, thanks for listening!
(in the background, there are several noises, most of them sounding like equipment being packed away and the words damn lighthouse right before the microphone cuts out)
Final notes:
This episode is one of the more telling ones, although it is the shortest I have had to transcribe so far. While the Spanish government did not report any incidents at the time of the broadcast, it is entirely possible the men were mistaken in thinking it was Spanish police. However, one of their recent broadcasts was traced to Nassau, and there is a crime figure in that area named Spanish Jackie. As the speaker is facing away from the microphone and moving, it is unclear which instance it would be.
It is strongly assumed that "Stede Bonnet" is actually Samuel Bellamy, a history professor at Queen Anne Private School in Charleston North Carolina, and amateur treasure hunter; if this is true, Edward Teach is likely his husband Paul Graves, a known art dealer and suspected thief; and Israel Hands is Oliver "Ollie" Lavesseur, also a thief. There is some evidence to support this theory, as Richard "Ricky" Banes was indeed in a relationship with Bellamy, just before Bellamy's relationship with Graves began. Mr. Banes has declined to speak with us as to whether or not he is currently in a relationship with Lavesseur.
In the process of obtaining records to see if one or more of them have been in Pittsburgh at the same time as the band Frenchie and the Black Cats. The Hearty Heartless are based out of New Jersey, but have traveled to Charleston for their music before,
While I, myself, am sure of the identity of these men, my superiors are far less confident, and have asked me provider further evidence to support my claim. I have three more tapes of this to listen to, so hopefully that evidence will be in those next several tapes. End.