(Not) Too Hot to Handle: Ilya Rozanov Version

I powered through as much HTML as I could stomach, but I gave up on the user icons, and I'm sorry about that! Ughhh HTML makes me feel like I'm back in school making terrible websites, but it also lowkey made me miss the awesome fan forum websites, ahhhh good times - I mean, I was on so many Dramione pages it's not even funny, it's the only kind of fanfiction I wrote for a decade lol.
Okay fine, I'll tell you. I really need to continue my Hermione/Draco/Theo fic, but my brain totally refused until I got this out. It was one of the 200 other heated rivalry ideas that are now on my notes app, and I not so weakly believe those will also happen the way I keep rewatching the show. I'm not going to read what I just wrote because then I'll have to edit it, and I didn't even edit the fic other than messing with the code a million times lol. Also, in the interest of disclosure, I used LLM to generate the random numbers for likes and retweets and quotes because I needed to get this out out out out of my head, so here you go!
Also fyi this is the Twitter work skin I used: Click here

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

@TheOttawaCentaurs

Follow our newest centaur Shane Hollander mic'd at practice in our new video !! Link in bio 😏

12.1K Retweets 453 Quote Tweets 52.8K Likes

@LockerRoomBuzz

That Rozanov guy really knows how to push Shane’s buttons on and off the ice. Is this love or power move? 👀 #LockerRoomDrama

4.7K Retweets 320 Quote Tweets 19.6K Likes

@HockeySleuth

Breaking: Mic’d up: Rozanov’s antics might be messing with Shane Hollander’s focus. “Not exactly the influence fans hoped for,” insiders say. #LockerRoomDrama

5.2K Retweets 870 Quote Tweets 28.4K Likes

@PuckSnark
Replying to @HockeySleuth

Oh please, it’s not Rozanov’s wild past that’s the problem - it’s that everyone’s just salty Shane finally found someone who makes him smile.

@TheBuzzNHL

Late nights, party rumors, and whispers of too many distractions - Rozanov’s reputation precedes him. Is Shane Hollander risking his career for romance? #LockerRoomDrama

6.7K Retweets 512 Quote Tweets 24.3K Likes

@DramaDeskSports

Is Shane Hollander playing under Rozanov’s spell? Sources say it’s a mix of love and power play. #LockerRoomDrama

5.0K Retweets 410 Quote Tweets 21.8K Likes

@leftwinglegacy
Replying to @DramaDeskSports

“power play”??? you people need to touch grass.

@stickhandlingbitch
Replying to @DramaDeskSports

Every time a journalist says “spell” an angel loses its wings.

@HockeyHearsay

Rumor mill says Rozanov’s playboy phase isn’t over, despite recent public outing with Shane Hollander. Fans brace for more scandal. #LockerRoomDrama

3.3K Retweets 217 Quote Tweets 8.6K Likes

@InsideRinkRumors

Multiple insiders confirm Rozanov plays a dangerous game. Is the team locker room really ready for this?

2.6K Retweets 134 Quote Tweets 7.2K Likes

@TabloidTerry

This is the perfect storm: a playboy with a serious partner, and a team struggling under the spotlight. Will Hollander and Rozanov survive the pressure? #LockerRoomDrama

4.1K Retweets 389 Quote Tweets 16.9K Likes

@ClickbaitCarl

Is Ilya Rozanov slowly taking over Shane Hollander’s game and the entire team? Sources say power shift is real, on and off the ice. #LockerRoomDrama

5.6K Retweets 512 Quote Tweets 21.4K Likes

@TheRinkRiot

It’s wild how the NHL freaks out when queer players are just living their lives.

3.7K Retweets 292 Quote Tweets 11.5K Likes

@ClickbaitCarl

Former Boston Bears star Ilya Rozanov’s past is colorful. Multiple rumored flings, late-night parties, and a reputation for being the league’s most charming playboy. How will this affect his new serious relationship? #LockerRoomDrama

5.8K Retweets 432 Quote Tweets 22.0K Likes

@DramaDeskSports

From the bars of Boston to the bright lights of Ottawa, Rozanov’s playboy past is legendary. Fans wonder if he is ready to settle down or just changing tactics. #LockerRoomDrama

3.9K Retweets 238 Quote Tweets 12.4K Likes

@NHLComms

In light of recent developments, we would like remind all players and fans that professionalism extends beyond the rink. Personal relationships should never interfere with the integrity of the game. #RespectTheGame

9.7K Retweets 1.3K Quote Tweets 32.1K Likes

@nhlPRnightmare
Replying to @NHLComms

You are losing to a man whose brand is - is this okay? please log off.

@HockeyHotline
Replying to @NHLComms

Oh come on, you subtweeted the sex lives first and now you want us to hush? Pick a side.

@stickhandlingbitch

Ilya Rozanov could say “is this okay?” before breathing and I would simply pass away on the spot.

7.1K Retweets 390 Quote Tweets 27.8K Likes

@HockeyHotline

Sources say Rozanov’s exes still talk about his persistence off the ice. Has anything really changed? #NHLTea

2.7K Retweets 130 Quote Tweets 8.4K Likes

@rinksideunion
Replying to @HockeyHotline

persistence is a wild word to use for a hockey player.

@TabloidTerry

There’s talk Rozanov’s respectful image is a new act but insiders say the playboy habits die hard. Shane Hollander fans are watching closely. #LockerRoomDrama

4.6K Retweets 315 Quote Tweets 18.2K Likes

@InsiderScoop

Word around the league is some players are distracted by recent off-ice headlines. Wonder how that’s affecting locker room dynamics. 🤔 #LockerRoomDrama

2.8K Retweets 123 Quote Tweets 7.9K Likes

@TabloidTerry

Is Ilya Rozanov really good for Shane Hollander? Since going public, Shane’s playing and focus might have shifted and not for the better. Fans should be worried.

3.9K Retweets 320 Quote Tweets 14.6K Likes

@DramaDeskSports

Romance off the ice can be a slippery slope. Is Rozanov distracting Shane from his true potential? Only time will tell. #LockerRoomDrama #NHL

3.1K Retweets 210 Quote Tweets 10.7K Likes

@theshanesthollsy

So we’re all just pretending Ilya Rozanov doesn’t have a long history of casual hookups now? Shane Hollander deserves stability, not a guy who’s been around half a continent.

1.9K Retweets 100 Quote Tweets 5.4K Likes

@quietlyferal
Replying to @theshanesthollsy

You’re mad because he’s hot AND ethical.

@rozzygirlonce
Replying to @theshanesthollsy

Former Rozanov hookup here. Just popping in to say he asked for consent before literally EVERYTHING and checked in more than my dentist.

@bluepaintmemories
Replying to @theshanesthollsy

Another former Rozanov situation:
• thought I was too drunk to say yes
• made me tea and told me to tell my close personal friend I was in love with her
• waited until she came to leave and came to our wedding
Worst man alive apparently.

@leftwinglegacy

I did NOT expect the exes to arrive like this 😭

1.8K Retweets 78 Quote Tweets 6.5K Likes

@NHLComms

Players have been reminded to keep professional boundaries clear. Personal relationships can be complex—especially when one party has a reputation for persuasion. #HockeyFirst

8.9K Retweets 942 Quote Tweets 29.7K Likes

@centaurspride
Replying to @someoneonthecentaurs

reputation for persuasion is CRAZY wording when the man famously stops mid-sentence to check vibes.

@rinksideacademic

It’s fascinating how professional only comes up when queerness does.

2.3K Retweets 121 Quote Tweets 6.3K Likes

@InsiderScoop

Rumor mill spinning: Rozanov’s past includes some headline-making escapades. Can a notorious playboy really be the consent king the internet claims? Many exes have not joined the conversation #NHLDrama

2.9K Retweets 134 Quote Tweets 8.2K Likes

@creaseconfessions
Replying to @InsiderScoop

I don’t know how to tell you this but his exes not talking shit about him is actually good?

@shaneshaneshane

Shane Hollander really saw a man with a verified consent resume and said yes, that one.

4.1K Retweets 310 Quote Tweets 16.5K Likes

@NHLComms

As always, players are encouraged to focus on their game and keep personal matters private. History or headlines should never overshadow talent. #HockeyFirst

5.7K Retweets 560 Quote Tweets 12.4K Likes

@puckbunnyanon
Replying to @NHLComms

Ilya Rozanov 🤝 consent
Ilya Rozanov 🤝 making the NHL deeply uncomfortable

@DramaDeskSports

Is Rozanov’s playboy past just prelude to the real story? What stories are hiding behind the biggest menace in hockey? #LockerRoomDrama

2.5K Retweets 278 Quote Tweets 7.6K Likes

@goalieshavefeelings

The funniest possible outcome is that the NHL’s biggest slut-shaming attempt accidentally turned into a masterclass on ethical thirst.

1.9K Retweets 202 Quote Tweets 9.3K Likes

@centaurspride

He said only if you want ONCE in an interview and now I trust him with my drink, my heart, and my Netflix password.

4.6K Retweets 359 Quote Tweets 15.2K Likes

@nhlPRnightmare

Ilya Rozanov: aggressively respectful
The NHL: screaming crying throwing up
Crowell: my darling Kent

3.7K Retweets 150 Quote Tweets 18.8K Likes

@NHLComms

We remind fans to respect player privacy and avoid speculation about personal relationships.

5.3K Retweets 527 Quote Tweets 11.7K Likes

@puckbunnyanon
Replying to @NHLComms

avoid speculation - my sibling in christ you subtweeted his sex life FIRST

@rinksideacademic
Replying to @NHLComms

This tweet arriving AFTER 12 people testified under a blue bird that Rozanov is a consent king is very funny.

@centaurspride
Replying to @NHLComms

avoid speculation meanwhile the speculation is unanimously positive???

@metrosmediawatch
Replying to @NHLComms

This is the worst possible scandal for the NHL because no one did anything wrong and everyone is hot.

@creaseconfessions

Hooked up with Ilya Rozanov in 2016.
He stopped midway to ask if I was still comfortable because my breathing changed.
I have not known peace since.

3.2K Retweets 280 Quote Tweets 11.7K Likes

@creaseconfessions
Replying to @creaseconfessions

Did Shane Hollander just like my tweet? I need to lie down in traffic actually.

@goalieshavefeelings

SHANE HOLLANDER LIKED A CONSENT TWEET
THIS IS NOT A DRILL

6.7K Retweets 599 Quote Tweets 18.9K Likes

@centaursburner

Somewhere Ilya Rozanov is pretending not to check his phone and failing.

1.3K Retweets 134 Quote Tweets 5.7K Likes

@softneutralzone

Former Rozanov hookup. He asked what words I liked during sex and then used them.
No notes.

1.7K Retweets 87 Quote Tweets 6.5K Likes

@bearsarchive

Reminder that Ilya Rozanov used to say I love you to the Boston Bears after each game.

2.3K Retweets 198 Quote Tweets 10.1K Likes

@onceuponabostonbear

I said once I wasn’t a hug guy. Rozanov switched to fist bumps and still checked in like this okay? Absolute professional. Absolute sweetheart. #consentissexy

2.7K Retweets 210 Quote Tweets 11.8K Likes

@justanotherbostonbear

He told us we don’t have to say it back when he started telling us I love you after games. Some of us did. Some didn’t.

1.6K Retweets 133 Quote Tweets 5.4K Likes

@rinksideunion

Non Boston fans pretending this is new behavior like we didn’t watch that man respect boundaries off ice for YEARS.

2.0K Retweets 167 Quote Tweets 8.5K Likes

@iceleveltruth

Ilya Rozanov is aggressively respectful. Like it’s his whole brand.

3.1K Retweets 211 Quote Tweets 10.9K Likes

@centaurspride
Replying to @iceleveltruth

aggressively respectful is about right

@centaursPK

He once apologized for celebrating too close to me because he forgot to ask.
Sir it was fine but thank you???

1.3K Retweets 95 Quote Tweets 5.4K Likes

@slapshotpoetry

Shane Hollander didn’t change this man. He chose him.

3.5K Retweets 305 Quote Tweets 13.1K Likes

@slapshotpoetry
Replying to @slapshotpoetry

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa shane liked my tweet what is happening rn

@stickhandlingbitch

Every Rozanov story is like and then he checked in again and somehow that’s the sexiest sentence alive.

2.2K Retweets 167 Quote Tweets 8.9K Likes

@rinksidefemme

Ilya Rozanov could say is this still okay? while holding the door open and I would immediately propose.

2.9K Retweets 241 Quote Tweets 10.8K Likes

@creaseconfessions

Why does Rozanov look like he could ruin your life but actually just wants to make sure you’re hydrated and emotionally regulated.

2.1K Retweets 202 Quote Tweets 8.4K Likes

@oldschooldefense

Not my usual tweet but yeah okay I get it now.

1.3K Retweets 107 Quote Tweets 4.9K Likes

@brieflyblessed

We were casual. He still said thank you for trusting me.
Sir???

1.6K Retweets 88 Quote Tweets 5.8K Likes

@creaseafterdark

Ilya Rozanov asked me if eye contact was okay.
I have not known peace since.

2.2K Retweets 211 Quote Tweets 9.6K Likes

@quietlyferal
Replying to @creaseafterdark

NO SAME
I was like wow he’s very considerate and then spent years thinking about it???

@onetimenothing
Replying to @creaseafterdark

Hold on are we all talking about the same man who pauses before touching like he’s checking traffic??

@nhlthirstwatch
Replying to @creaseafterdark

This is turning into a support group but in a hot way

@penaltyboxpoetry

Rozanov has one-time hookup who still asks if you got home safe energy and I am weak.

1.5K Retweets 132 Quote Tweets 6.6K Likes

@nhlthirstwatch
Replying to @penaltyboxpoetry

Every Rozanov hookup tweeting like no notes, would recommend is taking me out.

@bluehourhockey

i am begging people to understand that ilya rozanov is not just hot he is CONSENSUAL SLUT REPRESENTATION

3.8K Retweets 360 Quote Tweets 14.7K Likes

@queerontheglass

consensual slut representation is now the most important hockey discourse of our time

1.9K Retweets 171 Quote Tweets 7.2K Likes

@rinksideacademic

the nhl accidentally giving us a case study in ethical desire was not on my bingo card

1.4K Retweets 132 Quote Tweets 6.8K Likes

@slapshotpoetry

🧵 THREAD:

Ilya Rozanov: a community-reviewed experience

Since people are confused, here is a non-exhaustive summary compiled from firsthand accounts:

2.9K Retweets 287 Quote Tweets 11.2K Likes

@slapshotpoetry

76/

Conclusion:

Ilya Rozanov is empirically consensual slut representation.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

3.5K Retweets 305 Quote Tweets 13.5K Likes

@goalieshavefeelings
Replying to @slapshotpoetry

This thread should be required reading.

@slapshotpoetry
Replying to @slapshotpoetry

UPDATE: Shane Hollander liked THIS ENTIRE THREAD i can rest in peace now.

@rinksidefemme

The funniest part is that Shane Hollander already knew all of this.

2.1K Retweets 176 Quote Tweets 9.5K Likes

@nhlanthropology

We watched a smear attempt turn into peer-reviewed praise in under a day lol

1.9K Retweets 158 Quote Tweets 8.2K Likes

@centaurspride

Somewhere Shane is drinking water and letting the internet burn.

4.2K Retweets 410 Quote Tweets 17.9K Likes

@centaurspride
Replying to @centaurspride

What did I say? WHAT DID I SAY?

@goalieshavefeelings

THE MAN SAID YES AND?

2.6K Retweets 209 Quote Tweets 11.4K Likes

Notes:

Hope you at least got a kick out of this!
Maybe I'll also do a Shane version, but it's where people think he's boring af, but then Hayden tweets about all the scratches he always showed up with, and Rozanov about how freaky he is, and Rose about something else? Idk let me know if you would like to read that!
Also, please let me know what you thought of this, would love to know!

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