Work Text:
Am I going mad
Ilya wasn't doing well, nowhere close to it.
He was drowning.
He needed his anchor, he needed Shane.
It was reckless, but Ilya couldn't care any less.
After the game, he got in the car and drove to Montreal.
His body was exhausted, yet he was too wired to even be anywhere close to sleepy, his mind cruel.
They hadn't really talked much after Shane left, their texts stilled.
But Ilya just couldn't take it anymore, he was going mad, he needed to hold Shane to know that everything was gonna be okay.
When he stopped in front of Shane's building, there was a surge of panic.
What if Shane didn't want him there?
What if Shane wasn't alone?
Ilya cursed at himself but still got out of the car and walked inside.
He had a key but he hesitated to use it before cursing again and unlocking the door.
It was dark and quiet inside, almost like no one was home.
Ilya's heart starts to beat faster.
What if Shane wasn't even home?
He kicked off his shoes and slowly made his way to the bedroom only to stop in the doorway.
There he was.
Shane was sprawled in the bed fast asleep.
Ilya quickly got rid of his clothes and slipped in the bed, just gathering Shane in his arms and breathing him in.
Shane startled awake, one hand pushing Ilya away while the other turned on the bedside lamp.
Ilya's heart was breaking.
Shane didn't want him.
But the next second Shane was grabbing him and pulling him into a desperate kiss.
Ilya gladly pulled Shane in his arms, kissing him like his life depended on it, like he was starving for Shane because he was.
Finally Shane pulled away, grinning like the sunshine personified, cupping Ilya's face in his palms.
-What are you doing here? You had a game and have another tomorrow. - Shane couldn't stop petting Ilya's hair.
- Missed you too much. Needed you too much. - Ilya hugged Shane even closer to his body, already feeling more settled.
Shane laughed again, pulling Ilya into a kiss.
-You must be exhausted. -
- Nah, not for you. - Ilya started to kiss down Shane's neck, noting that the marks he had left were still there, just a lot lighter.
- I’m so happy that you're here. I missed you so much. - Shane pulled back to look Ilya in the eyes.
Ilya pulled him back into another kiss.
He could get lost in these kisses and not mind at all.
But they both had a game tomorrow.
So Ilya settled on just holding Shane as close as possible, surrendering to sleep.
It was hockey for you, you surrendered all your life to it to be one of the greats signed for the NHL.
That's just how it was.
It was expected when you signed the dotted line.
Ilya knew that, he knew that from a very young age when he started training for hockey.
So why was he breaking apart so badly?
He was going crazy and he needed to get out.
He couldn't stay in the empty house any longer.
He knew that he could just visit Hollanders but that would just remind him of how much being with Shane, or clearly not being with Shane, was fucking him up.
So he made a split second decision.
He booked tickets to Boston and called up Marlow to accept his invitation to hang out.
Fuck, he missed his friend.
Yeah, Ottawa was nice and everyone on the team was great but Marlow had been with Ilya from the very start and Ilya missed him.
He still had his apartment in Boston but they decided that Ilya would just stay with Cliff.
He had just landed and gotten out of the plane when his phone rang.
His heart soared as always when Shane called him.
-Hey sweetheart. - Ilya smiled.
- Hey. I love when you call me that. - He could hear Shane smiling.
- Then I should call you sweetheart more often. How are you? -
- I have great news! Practice is cancelled so I can drive over since you have two days off! - Shane sounded so giddy.
- Sorry but I can't. I'm not home. Just landed in Boston. - He hated upsetting Shane.
- Boston? What are you doing in Boston? - Did Shane sound jealous?
- Visiting Marlow. -
- Marlow? - Shane's tone sounded flat, like what Ilya said was something out of this world.
- Yes. Cliff Marlow I played together with in Boston Bears. - Ilya said in a flat tone, stopping to the side. - What's wrong with meeting up with him? -
- I didn't know you still kept in contact. - Shane huffed, it was starting to really irritate Ilya.
- We played together for years. He was my closest friend. Of course we kept in touch. What is all this? -
- Are you meeting just him or someone else? -
- We are probably going out. Listen, I am sorry that we can't meet but I didn't know that you will be free and I want to hang out with friends too not just sit at home waiting for you. - Somehow Ilya felt even worse after admitting that to Shane.
- Of course. Now I'm the one who's chaining you down. - Shane sounded all wrong but before Ilya could say anything more the call ended.
Ilya closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Shane was just upset that they couldn't meet up, that's all.
He didn't hate Ilya, he was just upset and will calm down.
Ilya will just call him later.
It was fine.
It didn't feel fine at all.
Ilya and Cliff were playing video games like they used to do, sprawled on Cliff’s couch but Ilya couldn't stop thinking about Shane, something heavy still sitting in his chest.
He kept glancing down on his phone but it remained silent.
Cliff paused the game, turning to Ilya.
-Okay, spill. - He turned fully to face Ilya.
- Nothing to spill. - Ilya shrugged but damn how much he wanted to just let it all out.
- Bullshit. - Cliff raised one eyebrow, waiting Ilya out.
- Fine. My boyfriend got upset that I came to Boston. He had a last minute cancellation and wanted to spend time with me but I was already landing in Boston. He sounded really upset and now he still hasn't texted or anything. - Ilya flopped back on the couch.
- Wow, so is it serious? - Cliff was all open, had always been.
- Yeah. We been together for quite a time. I moved to Ottawa to be closer to him but our jobs keep us apart a lot. Fuck. Lately everything’s been feeling quite shit. He got a new coworker and he’s clearly interested and keeps blatantly flirting but my boy just is so friendly and taken him under his wing. But it's driving me crazy. I am so jealous. And what if he decides that the newbie is better than me? - Ilya huffed, raking one hand through his hair.
- Holy shit, man. Why didn't you say anything sooner? But like, he loves you? - Cliff sat up straighter.
- Yeah. - Ilya smiled, thinking of Shane. - He makes me feel so good, so accepted. I can be myself with him. I love him so much that it hurts. -
- I can see. Text him. Shit, call him right now. I can assure him that you came to visit just as a friend. I can even give him Instagram of the girl I'm seeing. - Cliff grabbed his phone as if actually ready to talk to Shane right now.
- I don't think that's a good idea. He ugh… He doesn't want people knowing that we are dating. - Ilya frowned at the pang of hurt in his chest.
- What, is he like not out? - Cliff frowned.
- He doesn't hide the fact and he did come out to his workplace but no one knows about us. Only his parents and his best friend who kinda accidentally guessed. - Ilya shrugged.
- So basically I am the first person you are talking about this with? - There was something soft in Cliff’s tone that made Ilya look up.
- Yeah. I would tell you who he is but I want to respect his wish. - Ilya raked one hand through his messy hair.
- But you wish you could tell the entire world. - Cliff sighed, sitting back on the couch.
They stayed in a sad silence for a long moment but somehow Ilya felt a bit better having talked about Shane to someone, even without mentioning his name.
Ilya wasn't really in the mood to party but he was in Boston hanging out with his best friend.
So he let Cliff drag him to a club where basically all of the Bears met them with loud cheers, everything happy to see Ilya.
-Cap is here! - It warmed Ilya that they still called him that as one after another hugged him, slapped his back, ruffled his hair.
Ilya couldn't stop smiling.
It was so easy to just fit right back in as if he never left.
Drinks were flowing, music blaring, laughter ringing through the air.
Ilya felt free, his mind forgetting about his worries for a moment.
They all danced together like they used to, Ilya in the middle.
Someone was filming but Ilya didn't care, his own phone made rounds through the team.
After another shot they decided that it would be a good idea for Ilya to sing.
He laughed but still climbed to the DJ, paying him probably way too much to allow Ilya to sing.
He selected Ya Ushla Suma by T.a.T.u, singing his heart out, letting all his hurt and love bleed through the lyrics of the iconic song.
He could see his teammates filming and hoped that Shane would see, that he would listen to Ilya sing for him and understand how much he meant to Ilya.
After the song ended, Cliff pulled Ilya in his arms, holding him over everyone, his teammates chanting.
Ilya threw his head back, arms over his head.
It felt like he had won another Stanley cup.
He fucking loved this team.
Ilya and Cliff couldn't stop laughing for some reason, both drunk but clearly happy.
They crashed on the couch, each drinking a bottle of water.
-It felt so good to have you back. - Cliff slapped Ilya on the thigh.
- It felt really good to be back. - Ilya grinned.
- Everyone misses you. Man, the team isn't the same without you. We had been planning how we could steal you back. - Cliff laughed.
- Fuck off. - Ilya couldn't stop smiling.
- But seriously, if it doesn't work out with your man, would you come back? - Cliff suddenly sobered up.
- I don't know. I miss this team but Ottawa is great. I just. I don't know. - Ilya shrugged, all good mood gone.
- It's okay. I just miss my best friend. We definitely need to try to hang out more. - Cliff stood up and stretched. - Go call your man. I know you want to. -
- I really do. - Ilya smiled, thinking about sleep rumpled Shane. - Fuck, yes. Goodnight. -
Cliff just laughed, going to his bedroom.
Ilya rushed through getting ready for bed, eager to call Shane even while it was almost three am.
He finally settled in the bed, a small smile playing on his lips as he called Shane.
-Hi. Shane just hopped in the shower. Do you want me to tell him something or can this wait till morning? - The fucking newbie answered Shane's phone, sounding out of breath.
Ilya disconnected the call, staring at his phone.
The newbie was at Shane's place.
He was answering Shane's phone like it was normal.
He was out of breath and Shane was just hoping in the shower.
Ilya's head was starting to spin and it had nothing to do with alcohol.
He couldn't stop picturing the worst, Shane and the fucking newbie in bed, Shane getting fucked by him.
Ilya felt sick, his chest tightening so much that it was hard to breathe.
He didn't even notice that he was crying.
His heart was breaking.
He was losing Shane.
Ilya was just getting out of the airport in Ottawa and getting in his car when Shane called.
Some part of Ilya wanted to just ignore the call.
He still couldn't get over the mental images of Shane being with the newbie.
What made it worse was that Shane didn't call or text him in the morning.
But Ilya missed him, wanting to cling to any leftover possibility of still having Shane.
-Hey. Just got back to Ottawa. - Ilya answered the call.
- Were you going to tell me? - Shane sounded absolutely pissed.
- Tell you what? I just told you that I just got back. - Ilya frowned but concentrated on the road.
- About going back to Boston. Were you going to tell me that you are looking into trade or was it supposed to just be a fucking surprise when it happened? - Shane was full on yelling at Ilya and Ilya was confused as fuck.
- What trade? What the fuck are you talking about?! - Ilya was starting to get angry, he could help his mood and tone starting to match Shane's.
- I can't fucking believe you right now. -
- I am not asking for a trade! I don't even understand from where you pulled such bullshit. -
- Sure. The news is just full of bullshit. -
- Well, clearly because I am not moving back to Boston. Yeah, Marlow asked but it wasn't anything more. -
- Whatever. I have a practice. - And Shane ended the call just like that.
Ilya stopped in his garage before checking the news that all speculated about Ilya trading back to play for Bears, plastering photos of Ilya hanging out with his past teammates.
Ilya called Marlow.
-Did you tell anyone about our talk about moving back to Boston? - His tone sounded sharp.
- Of course not. Why would I? - Cliff sounded absolutely calm, calming Ilya in turn.
- Fuckin news are full of it. And my boyfriend just called and yelled at me basically being an asshole and leaving even while I am not even thinking about trade. -
- It's probably just that we all got together and you did wear my bears cap. I am sure that it will all calm down. Do you want me to talk to your boyfriend? - Cliff actually sounded like he cared.
- He would probably just flip his shit. And he’s at work. But thank you. - Ilya leaned back in his seat.
- Always man. - they ended the call.
Ilya felt like shit, dragging himself inside and going straight to bed.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.