Work Text:
Harris
Ilya, tell me this isn't you.
https://archiveofourown.org/users...
Hello Harris, how are you today?
Hello Ilya, I was doing well until I saw speculation online that you are writing fanfiction about yourself.
You must not believe everything you read online, Harris, is bad for you.
Is it you?
...
ILYA! You can't write fan fiction about yourself and your husband!
Wow I am surprised at you Harris. I would not have thought you would have a problem with two men being in love.
Very disappointing.
Barrett
Whatever you are doing, stop it.
Hello Barrett, how are you today?
I was fine until Harris started banging his head against the kitchen table. I know it's got something to do with you, so stop it.
Did you know your fiancé is secret homophobe?
My fiancé, as in the MAN that I, ANOTHER MAN, am engaged to marry, is a homophobe?
Yes, is very sad and disappointing. I am very sorry for you.
Just stop, Ilya.
Harris
I can't believe I have to explain to you why you can't write RPF about yourself and your husband TO POST ON THE INTERNET.
Harris, this is very poor fanfiction etiquette.
YSINMS
Ship and let ship, Harris.
Have you had a stroke?
Wow this is the question you ask a guy with a head injury.
You are being very insensitive today.
I am going to have a stroke.
Why?
BECAUSE YOU ARE WRITING RPF ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND AND AS DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS OF THE TEAM YOU BOTH WORK FOR IT IS MY PROBLEM.
I have not confirmed it was me.
Ilya, are you or are you not IlyaRozanov81?
😈
The fics are unhinged, they don't even make sense!
Wow.
I did not ask for feedback Harris. Once again this is bad etiquette.
If you are going to join this community you must do better.
I AM NOT JOINING THIS COMMUNITY, I AM READING IT IN MY CAPACITY AS IDIOT WRANGLER FOR THE CENTAURS.
Barrett
Your fiancé is being mean to me.
Good.
😮
You cannot be mean to your captain who has a head injury.
Your head is fine, coach has been keeping us updated.
Okay, you cannot be mean to your captain who has a broken leg.
It’s fractured, not broken. And none of this is a good enough reason to give Harris a hard time.
Harris is giving me a hard time 😜
Jesus Christ.
Harris
Ilya, why did I get a notification that IlyaRozanov81 has posted a new chapter of Fire and Ice?
Because you subscribed to your new favourite author?
It is literally just porn.
Why are you doing this?
Don't like, don't read, Harris. Is basic fanfic etiquette.
If I hear you say the word etiquette one more time I am going to throw my phone out of the window.
You have never heard me say this word. You have read it. Canadian schools have big gaps in education.
Harris Drover - Centaurs
Shane, I am sorry in advance for what I am about to do.
What was that?
Ask your husband.
I did, he said to ask you.
It is fan fiction he wrote about the two of you.
I know that, I've read it. But why did you voice note the Cens group chat to read out parts of it? I thought you wanted him to stop.
I DO WANT HIM TO STOP.
I thought if he could hear how ridiculous it is it might make him see sense.
Your premise was flawed.
What do you mean?
It was based on the assumption that Ilya has even an ounce of shame to tap into.
Have you met Ilya?
He was thrilled and has been playing it all morning.
And you don't mind that he does this?
No one really believes it is him. He has been bored, so I'm glad he's got something to focus on while he recovers.
Harris
Harris. Is bad fanfiction etiquette to record someone's fic without permission.
I hate my life.
What? Harris, no, do not say that!
Please, for the love of God, stop posting fanfiction about yourself.
Or at least put out a disclaimer that for legal reasons you have to clarify that you are not Ilya Rozanov.
What legal reasons?
To spare me from a lengthy jail sentence.
Is not nice to threaten an injured man Harris.
Oh, is that another breach of fanfiction etiquette?
No, but thank you for asking. Wanting to learn is the first step.
Proud of you 😘
I hate you.
😈
Harris
https://archiveofourown.org/...
You wrote ANOTHER one?!
You know, Harris.
I think is time for another lesson.
You want to be part of this fanfic community so you must pay attention.
Sending fics to the people they are written about…
No.
Is
Don't say it!
Very
I'm begging you.
Bad
Please stop!
Fanfic
I will pay you so much money not to say it
Etiquette.
YOU WROTE IT HOW IS THIS BAD ETIQUETTE?
😈
🤦
Harris Drover - Centaurs
Hollander.
Drover.
Why is there a French translation of Ilya's fic?
I guess someone got permission from the author to translate it.
Permission is important.
Don't you fucking dare.
It is good fanfic etiquette.
NOT YOU TOO!
I rely on you to be the voice of reason in your relationship.
I did not agree to that.
CLEARLY
I've heard a rumour that there is a Russian translation in the works, too.
Jesus Christ.
I hope whatever he bribed you with to translate his UNHINGED NONSENSE was worth it.
😏
He is such a bad influence on you.
😈
Harris
Ilya. They are getting worse. How are they getting worse?
This is very hurtful Harris ☹️ what do you mean worse?
More unhinged.
The tags on the last one.
I feel like I need to bleach my eyeballs after reading just the summary.
Ah, Harris. When will you learn? Must I write a guide for you?
Ilya Rozanov's Guide to Fanfic Etiquette.
I will sign it for you.
What have I done wrong now?
YKINMK
Ilya. Please stop with the acronyms.
Your Kink Is Not My Kink.
Stop kink shaming me!
Is very uncool.
I miss the days when I didn’t know what A/B/O or MPreg meant.
Is your own fault, because you are obsessed with my art.
Jesus Christ.
Harris
Okay, Ilya, I will make you a deal.
Hello Harris, how are you today?
I will be better once you accept my deal.
You cannot bribe me, I have more money than you.
And my husband is richer than your fiancé.
Why are you like this?
I'm not offering you money.
😜
Fuck. Off.
🤣
Okay, here is the deal.
You stop posting fanfiction and you put a disclaimer on your page that you are not the real Ilya Rozanov. I will write it for you, and you will post it word for word.
This is not a deal, I get nothing from this.
IN RETURN
I will bring Chiron over and he will stay with you for the whole weekend.
CHIRON!!!
🐶🐶🐶🐶
Counter offer.
I'm listening.
Two weekends with Chiron. In return, I agree I will not post any more fics about me and Shane and I will post the disclaimer that you want so badly. Even though is a lie.
DEAL
Wait, who are you going to write about?
😈