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Boom is an actor. It’s literally his job to pretend to feel things he doesn’t, and he’s good at it. This should be easy.
So why isn’t it?
He arrives on set early, much earlier than normal. If the crew are surprised to see him so early and, more alarmingly, without Aou, they don’t say anything. They leave Boom alone as he makes his way to the dressing room to wait for his makeup artist to arrive. He’s so early, he even beat her. He gets to work wetting some paper towels with cold water and sits in his chair with them over his eyes, willing his eyes to de-puff in time.
By the time she arrives, Boom has succeeded in making it look like he hadn’t spent the whole night crying. Or at least, he’s done a half decent job. Okay, so maybe she still adds some extra concealer to his under eyes, but that’s fine, it’s not like she’ll say anything to anyone who matters. All she does is give him a final once over, her expression soft and sad, before shooing him off to set.
It isn’t an emotional shoot day, but Boom almost wishes it were. They’re shooting filler stuff, background reactions and conversations, mostly. If it had been a more serious shoot day, he could have cried and been praised for how real he made it look. As it is, he just hopes he keeps it together long enough to avoid ruining any takes. He wants to get out of here as soon as possible, and re-shoots are not the way to do accomplish that.
“Ah, your other half is here, Boom. We’re almost ready to start.” The PA gives him a smile and wanders off somewhere behind the camera, leaving Boom to face this ‘other half’ on his own.
He takes a deep breath before turning, but it doesn’t do any good; Aou looks perfect, composed and well-rested, and his nonchalance is like a punch to Boom’s stomach. He definitely doesn’t look like someone who spent the night crying and feeling sorry for the themselves.
Its fine. He’s fine. He can do this.
“We shouldn’t do this,” Boom insists halfheartedly, biting back moans as Aou’s mouth moves lower, over his jaw and down the sensitive skin of his neck.
“You’re absolutely right,” Aou agrees, sucking a bruise over Boom’s collarbone. “We should stop.”
“Mhm…” Boom sighs, basking in the feeling ofAou’s long fingers trailing over his abs as he unbuttons Boom’s shirt.
Aou pulls back to look Boom in the eyes, face serious. “Do you want to stop? Really?”
Boom doesn’t know how to tell Aou that he never wants to stop. That he would do this forever with him, if he wanted. Because Boom does. Want, that is. He wants Aou and everything that comes with him.
He doesn't have the words for that, not yet, so instead he shakes his head. “I don’t want to stop. Please.”
The way Aou’s smile lights up his face at Boom’s words sends butterflies fluttering in his stomach, and he drags Aou down before the happiness on his face blinds him.
Aou smiles at him when he spots him, and Boom wants the ground to swallow him whole and never spit him back out.
“Hey,” Aou says, no hesitation or awkwardness to the words, and Boom pulls in a breath, remembering how to breathe around him. “You’re here early. I could have given you a ride, you know.”
“I didn’t want to bother you,” Boom mutters. He can’t think of anything he’d like less than being stuck in early Bangkok traffic with Aou right now.
“It’s not a bother.” Aou looks at him funny, which Boom thinks is ridiculous, after last night. “Oh, you’ve got an eyelash, one second.” Aou’s fingers are gentle and warm on Boom’s cheek, but he startles away from them all the same. “Hold still, it’s right—there. Got it.”
“Oh my god,” Boom groans, his back arching with the feeling of Aou’s ministrations. “Right there.”
Aou has succeeded in turning Boom into a whiny, breathy shadow of his past self, and he’s more than okay with it. Boom can’t quite believe this is happening, that he gets to have this after wanting it for so long.
“What do you want?” Aou asks, voice low in Boom’s ear. “Tell me.”
“You,” Boom gasps. “You, always you.”
“What do you want?”
“What?” Boom blinks as his foggy mind catches up to Aou’s question.
“I’m gonna head to craft services before we get started, what do you want?” Aou repeats slowly.
“Oh, nothing.”
Aou frowns, not expecting that answer. “You sure? You were here so early, did you eat anything beforehand?”
“I’m sure. I’m not hungry.” He’s a bit nauseous, if he’s being honest, but he doesn’t say that part out loud.
“Okay…” Aou wanders off, leaving Boom reeling.
He had expected things to be weird this morning, but he thought Aou might be at least a little… affected. Shattered. Something, anything, to show that Boom isn’t overreacting.
“Here.”
Boom jumps at Aou’s voice in his ear. How long has he been standing there, lost in his thoughts? He takes the smoothie from Aou’s outstretched hand, careful not to brush his fingers against Aou’s like he might have in the past.
“I know you said you didn’t want anything, but just in case.”
“Thank you,” Boom mumbles, taking a sip of his favourite smoothie. Because of course, Aou got him his favourite. He knows Boom better than anyone.
“Thank you,” Boom murmurs. He knows it’s a silly, juvenile thing to say after sex, but he means it. “I’ve… I wasn’t sure you felt the same way.” He laughs, relieved.
Aou doesn’t say anything, but Boom doesn’t mind. He’s far too content laying there, tracing idle shapes into the soft skin of Aou’s shoulder. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt this happy, this content. He has everything he needs right here, and he smiles as he closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.
Boom closes his eyes for a second, trying to trick himself into thinking micro-naps are a real and helpful thing. They’re not, he’s just blinking, but maybe if he keeps lying to himself it will finally start working.
He’s lost track of how long they’ve been shooting for, but he thinks they’re close to finished for the day. He hopes so, anyway. He sits behind the camera and watches Aou act with the extras. They’re all fresh, straight out of university, and they’re looking at Aou like he invented acting.
Boom can’t help but laugh to himself. How many times has he been opposite Aou in a scene, absolutely lost in the other man’s talent? The way he can convey the biggest emotions with just the slightest twitch of his mouth, or tilt of his head.
“Fuck,” Boom mutters to himself, quiet enough for the boom mics to not pick up. Please, let this day be over soon. He can handle everything with one more night of sleep, he’s sure of it.
The sound of a muffled curse wakes Boom up. He stretches a hand out, seeking Aou’s warmth, but is met with empty sheets.
“Aou?” Boom sits up, wiping his eyes. He spies Aou bent over by the bedroom door, holding his clothes in his arms. “What are you doing?”
Aou’s mouth opens and closes a few times before he sighs and his shoulders drop in defeat. “Leaving,” he says, and his tone is so off, Boom gets goosebumps.
“Leaving? Has something happened?” Boom wracks his brain, trying to think of what could have dragged Aou from bed in the middle of the night.
“I can’t stay here, Phi.”
Boom tilts his head, confused. “Of course you can, don’t be silly. Come back to bed.” He reaches a hand out, the reassuring smile on his face sliding off when Aou doesn’t move. “Aou. Come back to bed.” Boom doesn’t know why, but he feels like crying, like his body is two steps ahead of him.
Aou shifts awkwardly on his feet. “I… Look. I like you.”
And thank god for that. Boom nods encouragingly, not understanding what the issue is. “I know. I like you too, I—”
“No. Not… We’re friends, Phi. We’re friends, we’re coworkers—partners, even. But…”
Cold realization washes over Boom. “But… You don’t…?”
Aou shakes his head, at least having the decency to look sad about it.
“Then—” Boom’s voice breaks, because that’s what he needs right now. Embarrassment piled on top of the shame threatening to bury him. He clears his throat, willing himself not to cry. “Then why did you kiss me? Why did you—?” Fuck me? Make me think this wasn’t one-sided? Let me make a fool of myself?
The rise and fall of Aou’s shoulders as he shrugs is resigned, and at least gravity appears to feel heavier for him, too. “I didn’t think you… It wasn’t supposed to mean anything. It was blowing off steam, that’s all.”
That’s all. Everything they’d just done, everything Boom had said and assumed, it all comes rushing back. Oh, god.
Boom nods, staring somewhere past Aou’s shoulder. He can’t look at him, not now. Not when Boom’s sitting naked in his bed, cold and heartbroken, and Aou is already halfway out the door.
“You should go.”
“P’Boom—”
“Leave. Please,” Boom begs, feeling a traitorous tear drop onto his cheek.
“I’m sorry,” Aou whispers, and he looks it, Boom will give him that. But Aou was always a better actor than him.
“Boom? N’Boom, I’m sorry to bother you, but are you okay?”
Boom focuses on the director, standing in front of him with a concerned look on his face.
“Yes, sorry, P’Champ. Just distracted this morning. I didn’t sleep well last night.” It isn’t a lie, not at all. After Aou left, Boom hadn’t slept a wink.
“Do you need to take a break? You look exhausted.”
Good thing the makeup is doing it’s job, Boom thinks bitterly. “I’ll be okay, Phi. Sorry for holding things up.”
“We’re almost done for the day anyway,” Champ reassures him, gesturing to the scene being set up. “This is the last scene in the queue. We’ve switched things up a bit, moved some scenes up. There’s nothing new in the script, you’ve practiced it all already.” He hands Boom the script, the added scene highlighted.
Boom skims over the scene, recognizing it immediately.
“Can you handle that?” The way he asks, Boom thinks for a moment that he knows Boom’s shame. “I know it wasn’t what you prepared for today, but—”
“It won’t be a problem, Phi. Just tell me where you want me.”
Five minutes later, Boom is drained. Emotionally, mentally, physically—he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. The scene isn’t complicated, per se, at least not on paper. But if he has to hear Aou say those words to him one more time, he might snap.
“Okay, this is the one, I can feel it,” Champ calls as everyone resets. Boom rolls his shoulders, willing the tears hovering near the surface to stay down. “Everyone ready? And… action!”
“I love you.” It’s Aou’s voice, but it’s not him saying the words. It’s Win, his character in this new drama, their first as leads.
“No you don’t,” Boom as Ocean says, the words bitter on his tongue. “You love the idea of me.”
Win opens his mouth to argue, but Ocean cuts him off.
“You love the danger. The thrill of having someone you know you shouldn’t be with. The rush of ‘what if we get caught?’ You love being bad, but you don’t love me. You never loved me. I’m just a way to pass the time, stave off the boredom and monotony.” A way to blow off steam.
Win frowns and takes an unscripted step closer. “That’s not true.”
Taking a calculated breath, Ocean steps back, countering Win’s moves. “It is. And you would have realized it eventually. Isn’t this better? To break things off before someone gets hurt?”
There’s a breath of a laugh, laced with disbelief. Win is looking at him with pleading eyes that have Ocean’s resolve threatening to break. “Before someone gets hurt? It’s too late for that, O.”
And god, doesn’t Ocean know it. “I’ll see you at the office, Khun. I think it’s best if we go back to being coworkers. It’s easier that way.”
“Ocean,” Win calls, but Ocean is already moving away, out of frame.
Once Champ calls ‘cut!’, Boom lets the events of the past twelve hours catch up to him. He folds into himself, sobs wracking his body. He tells himself it’s just overflow from Ocean, but he knows that isn’t the truth.
“Boom, are you okay? Someone get him some water,” Champ orders, wrapping a blanket around Boom’s shaking shoulders. “It’s okay, I know it can be a lot. There’s a lot of emotion happening here that you weren’t prepared for, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Phi,” Boom gasps, shaking his head. “I’m alright, I just need a second.”
“Is he okay?” That’s Aou’s voice; he sounds concerned, but then Boom guesses he would. His schedule heavily relies on Boom being well enough to make appearances, especially with this new show. They need it to be a success—it’s the culmination of everything they’ve worked towards.
“He’ll be okay,” Champ answers. “Okay everyone, we’re done for the day anyway. Let’s call it a wrap.”
Using the chaos of the crew springing into action, Boom flees the scene, running for the relative privacy of the dressing room. He hopes people will get the hint and leave him alone until he can compose himself enough to call a Grab and wallow in the privacy of his own home instead.
“Phi? Are you in here?” Aou asks, opening the door slowly.
Well, there goes his grand plan.
“Are you okay? That looked… intense.”
Boom gapes at Aou for a second, not believing his ears. “Am I—Are you seriously asking me that right now?” There might still be tears falling from his eyes, but they’re tears of anger now.
“I know we didn’t prepare for that scene, but—”
“Do you think this is about the scene? Are you that self-absorbed, Aou? Was I the only one in that bed last night?” Boom flings a hand towards the door, watching Aou flinch at the sudden movement. “I know you’re completely unaffected by it, but that wasn’t nothing to me. You and me… that meant something. I understand that for you it was a one-time thing, a way to, how did you put it? ‘Blow off steam?’ I get that, I do, but that doesn’t change how I feel.”
Aou is standing in front of him, his shoulders hunched under Boom’s tirade, and Boom is so tired. Why bother fighting for something that is never going to happen?
“Forget it. I’m going to ask for some time off. They’ll say I’m sick, or whatever, and when I come back, things will be normal again.”
“You don’t have to do that, Phi,” Aou protests. “I promise I won’t make it weird, you don’t have to like, go into hiding or anything.”
“I do have to, Aou. I can’t look at you right now,” Boom all but shouts. “I can’t see you, I can’t be near you; it hurts, Aou. You’re out here acting like we’re the same people we were yesterday, but we’re not. I’m not. Yesterday, I was quietly in love with you, and no one could take that away from me. Today, I’m just out here trying my best, and it’s not good enough. I can be your partner, but you need to give me time to… unpin my hopes. Okay? If you can’t give me anything else, can you at least give me that? Please?”
Aou looks shellshocked. He opens his mouth to speak before changing his mind and stepping back, nodding once.
“Thank you.” Boom grabs his bag and skirts around Aou, needing to escape before he does something stupid like fall to his knees and beg Aou to please, love him back.
Boom’s hand is on the door handle when Aou speaks up. “You’ll come back, right?” he sounds so small, so scared.
Boom wants to wrap him in a hug and tell him there’s nowhere else he’d rather be than by Aou’s side, but he doesn’t. He can’t lie to him, even after everything.
“I won’t ruin this opportunity for you, Aou,” he says instead, knowing it isn’t enough. “You deserve this show, that hasn’t changed.”
“P’Boom—” It sounds like a sob, but Boom doesn’t turn back to check.
He’s sitting at home on the couch when he gets the Instagram notification. The blue and white notice mocks him as he scans it for the reasoning they’ve given. He doesn’t see the words heartbreak, love sick, or disgustingly embarrassed, so he closes the app, only to open it again a minute later. He selects some photos he knows eagle-eyed fans will recognize as old, and posts.
The caption is simple, just a single red heart, and he selects a song he’s sure will stoke the fires of the ‘is it fanservice or more’ debate, but it’s all calculated. Better for the fans to think he and Aou might be more than friends and partners, that maybe they shared a bed once, than to let the cracks begin to show.
Boom watches the comments and likes come flooding in, waiting for the username to pop up.
aou_tnbknr liked your post.
There he is.
Boom closes his eyes and lets his phone drop into his lap. He doesn’t know how they’re supposed to go back to being friends, but coworkers is a start.
Coworkers. Partners. Friends.
In that order.
And whatever comes after, so be it.