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Bucky wanted to go home.
Permanently. He wanted to go back to his apartment and to not see the old Avengers tower and to not hear anything Avengers related for a long time. Unless the right person was leading, unless it was actually doing some good. He was sick of the tall, glass windows that surrounded the main room, of the grey walls and the modern style of the place, he was sick of keeping a whole team - kind of dysfunctional but weirdly obedient of Bucky - working.
It had been almost a month. After hearing the last stupid card Valentina had on her hands, it took Bucky maybe an hour - too long - to think “Oh, fuck. What is Sam going to think?”
He and the rest of the group managed to gather around in a room in the tower without Valentina around. Yelena was the first to break the silence with the obvious question, what were they going to do? Alexei was way too excited about the whole bullshit. So was Bob, but once he realized what was really happening, he naively suggested that maybe the public wouldn’t really take Valentina seriously - he had been right about it, in a way, but not in a “let’s forget that she ever mentioned these people could be the avengers” way and more in a “let’s never let them forget they can’t be the Avengers because that’s ridiculous” way. Stupid internet.
Walker was blissfully silence. Not that Bucky gave a fuck about what he thought about it, but Bucky was obviously ready to go to the other direction in case he was daydreaming about making this his opportunity to redempt himself. They barely functioned as a team at all, and Bucky didn’t want a team in the first place, or the avenger title, not ever. And because the title should be given and be led by Sam. That was how it was supposed to go.
“We are going to stay low for the next days, ignore the reporters, ignore Valentina. We’ll figure it out the rest. Just- let’s try to not make it worse, alright?”
“And if people need us? If something like the Void happens again?” Yelena asked, sitting next to Bob but pointedly not looking at him.
“Then we’ll show up to help, but don’t expect any recognition from it.”
It was Bucky last words before he excused himself to be pissed off, calm himself down and and call Sam. It was already dark outside when he texted Sam asking if he was free so Bucky could call him. Sam immediately called him instead.
“Hey, Sam.”
“Hi, Buck.” Bucky thought it was a good sign that he was still calling him that, but he couldn’t for the sake of him figure it out if Sam’s tone of voice was indeed normal or passive aggressive. And he became really good at figuring Sam out, but his head still felt foggy. What a weird fucking day.
Bucky breathed, didn’t know how to continue.
“Have you watched the news lately?” He asked, foolishly.
“Oh, yeah. It hard to ignore. And I have a question for you.” At least Sam sounded weirdly calm. “What the fuck, Bucky?”
“Listen, I know, okay? But did you see who announced the whole bullshit? It wasn’t our plan, at all.”
Bucky had a strong case because he had told Sam about Valentina Allegra de whatever weeks before. He had been suspicious of her for a long time now, everybody had, and he and Sam had spent some time on the phone gossiping seriously about her. Sam knew her type, too, knew she couldn’t be trusted.
“I did,” A sigh. Bucky realized then that Sam’s calmness was hiding a very similar anxiety Bucky was feeling about the whole thing, except Sam hadn’t been around to live it. He still had his right to question it. “You probably weren’t on board on the bullshit, I know. God, what is she thinking?”
She was thinking she could manipulate a bunch of trained soldiers with no purpose to play a role in her stupid play so she wouldn’t go to to jail. Bucky wanted a chance to explain it in person, though.
“I know this is probably gonna bring a lot of trouble for you. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Sam said, firm but not irritated. “What about the others? Do they even want to be a team?”
“Believe me, they really don’t.” There was something there, sure, a possibility. But not in those conditions.
“Okay. This is great. It’s not like the thought of arranging a new team hadn’t been stressful.”
Bucky smiled a little. It was good to hear his voice. His real voice, not the memory version of his upset tone he had heard in the Void, a tone Bucky had caused it. He was trying not to think about that. The real Sam was exactly what he was hearing right now, patient and rational, trusting of Bucky.
“Bucky, the news are also showing you walking directly into the thing that was making people disappear.”
“Oh, yeah.” He tried to sound nonchalant. That probably didn’t feel good to watch, either. “Will you believe me if I say I try to talk people out of entering it?”
A small chuckle “Maybe.”
Bucky took a deep breath again. “When can we talk in person?”
“I will head back to New York as soon as I can.” Sam promised. He had been in a town close to Delacroix, helping his sister with business or something. They hadn’t called in a while, they only exchanged cute videos titled silly things like ‘unliked animals becoming friends’..
Sam hung up and Bucky was left with his hammering heart and a team he didn’t want to be part of. Great. But he couldn’t just leave them now, could he? Not after working together, knowing briefly about the women’ stories and fine, the good Walker was still capable of doing, after seeing Bob’s literal unconsciousness and how much guilt he still carried. Bucky knew the Void wasn’t Bob’s fault, and he seemed harmless, mostly. At least for now.
Since the stupid title was theirs for now, they stuck around. And Bucky spent all his time convincing himself it wouldn’t be helpful to be physically violent with Valentina, that Sam would probably have a plan, and trying to stop the rest from making public appearances that could make the whole situation worse. But there was only so much he could control, and according to Yelena, people online were already making theories and dividing themselves between being positive about the idea of a new group to protect the world and straight up trashing them. He tried to ignore all of it.
They made good use of the training area. Ava and Yelena had fought all of their lives, but it was a better use of their time than just mope around. And they all could remind each other that if they were going to fight, they would fight to protect, not kill.
He still sort of hated the place, He ignored the rest of the team as much as he could, but he ended up liking the women. They were all the same kind of people in the end, people whose most important choices were taking away from them. People who had survived.
Besides, in the middle of the chaos that running an election and not seeing Sam in months, Bucky hadn’t had fun in a while. And they could be fun.
Yelena was panting after their training that day. Ava was in a better state, but that was because she was more defensive than Yelena, who apparently usually threw herself entirely into her opponent’s space, which wasn't always helpful. Bucky was still standing, but he couldn’t deny the women could hold their own against him pretty well.
“Jesus, Bucky, I thought you were on our side now.”
Bucky simply smiled.
“Maybe that’s why Walker avoids him.” Ava added.
“He doesn’t avoid me,” Bucky said, defensively. If anything, he was the one who avoided him, but only because he was exercising being a better person. The thought that Walker avoided him because he didn’t want to fight him was entertaining, though.
“He kind of does, it’s funny,” Yelena replied, standing up properly now. “Maybe your rizz is too strong and he’s intimidated.”
Ava snorted, a surprising sound. “Oh, I can see that. Even Valentina flirted with him a little.”
“She definitely checked him out, I saw it, too.”
They had a very impressive ability to change the course of a conversation. “Hey, what the fuck?”
Yelena shrugged. “It’s true.”
Bucky made a face that made Ava laugh harder. Probably an instinctive frown. “What even is rizz? Is it about the serum? Because Walker has it, too.”
“No, no, it’s like,” Ava started, a hand on her hip, the other gesturing to Bucky from down up in a way that would be obscene if it didn’t look quite juvenile. “It’s like a swag,”
“Yeah, like, you’re quite charming, Bucky,” Yelena said, smiling. She seemed younger when she was making fun of him.
“Do you guys wanna go back to fighting or what?”
The women exchanged an amused look. “Yelena, you made the Winter Soldier blush.”
“He’s not the Winter Soldier anymore,” Yelena replied, taking out her knife again. She was attacking Bucky a moment later. He didn’t really mind.
Bob usually stayed away from the training room. One day, after finishing with the girls, Bucky saw him in the common area reading a comic book.
“You could use some training, too, you know.” Bucky said, trying not to startle him and startling him anyway. “We could work in pairs.”
Bob gave him a weak smile. “Sure. Some day.”
Bucky knew he also tried to stay away from combat in general. He stuck around because apparently he didn’t have a better place to go and Bucky suspected he also wanted to make good use of his powers, but he probably didn’t know how. Bucky wasn’t the type to analyse other people, especially when they kept it to themselves, but well, he felt a specific type of empathy for Bob. It was the kind that you could only feel for people who were similarly fucked in the head as you were. And after getting his ass kicked by someone who now seemed so scared of his own abilities, he wondered what kind of hero Bob could be if he knew how to control them.
Bucky sat down, a little further away from him. “What are you reading?”
“It’s a Manga.” Bucky’s expression was blank. “Wait, you’ve never heard of it?”
Bucky hadn’t yet, so Bob explained the genre and the one he was reading, something about a volleyball team full of boys and the concept of not giving up on something they were passionate about. Bucky had never seen him so excited about anything, so he listened carefully, asked questions about the main character and everything.
“Oh, and it's all in black and white, like… TV back in your day.”
Bucky chuckled, a bit endeared. “I see.”
When Bucky stood up to go take a shower, he said, “Good talking to you, Bob. And the offer stands, for training I mean.”
Bob nodded and relaxed in the couch with his inspiring stories.
Sleeping in the tower was awful. He’d always end up waking up in the middle of the night more disoriented than usual. Sometimes a whole day would go by between stupid chores like training and arguing and grocery shopping he did with the girls, sometimes they’d watch the news for two seconds and immediately have another place to be.
He woke up that night, not from a horrible nightmare but from a very stupid dream. He and another man were in a beach, arguing about what drink to order from a local bar. Bucky had his shirt off, completely relaxed under a shadow made from a parasol. It didn't take long to realize the other man was Sam. Bucky felt the familiar annoyance he’d feel every time they’d argue about stupid shit. It was mostly filled with amusement.
Bucky woke up in the middle of the night feeling warm and silly. It was very weird, when he started dreaming about stuff he did every day or just random scenarios that didn't include blood or someone else's struggle. This one got him thinking about how awful it was when he and Sam argued about real stuff. How the entire room would shift and he’d carry the guilt during the entire day. It got him thinking about how much bigger the issue about the new avengers thing could have gone, how it ticked him in all the wrong ways, the possibility of making Sam feel betrayed in any way.
He hadn’t been on a beach in- forever. Wakanda had nice lakes he liked to float in it, but not a proper beach. Sam would like a beach, certainly. Bucky would probably worry about overheating his arm or getting sunburn but he’d just tell him to relax and drink something sweet. He’d also look good for sure, his dark skin glowing under sunlight and beach shorts. Bucky got lost in the nice thoughts for a moment. Shit. It was best to not wonder why his unconscious brought that up. It was better just let his mind be sometimes. It was better than usual, at least.
He gave up sleeping and got up. When he entered the kitchen, he found Bob with his head inside the fridge.
“Can’t sleep?”
Bob was only a little startled this time. He smiled weakly. “Not a big fan of sleeping.”
“Your body needs it, you know. Or so I heard.”
Bob shrugged, grabbed a cup to pour the juice he had taken, offered to Bucky with a gesture, to which he shook his head in decline.
“Hey, can I borrow that book you were reading earlier?” Bucky asked, conversionally
“Sure. I didn’t know you were into reading.”
“I’ve always been, I think. I’m just now figuring that contemporary stuff doesn’t actually suck.”
“Oh, most of them do suck,” Bob added, cheerfully. “But when you find a good one, God, it’s really cool.”
Bucky nodded. He remembered the feeling. A moment passed in which Bob just drank his juice and Bucky kept him company. It was easy to like Bob because he was the kind of person that didn’t seem to mind sitting in silence.
“So, you’re friends with the real Captain America?”
A very childlike pride hit Bucky. “Yeah, I guess so. Who told you that?”
“Yelena. And she showed me some YouTube videos. He seems pretty awesome.”
“He is, he really is.”
Bob looked at him expectantly. “How is he really like? Besides being a hero and all. How did you guys end up being friends?”
Bucky didn’t have the words immediately. How did he and Sam become friends? It was crazy to think that this was how he’d describe him now. He remembered seeing Sam for the first time - not that first time, the worst one, when he was still capable of hurting him - with a clear head. Bucky knew from the start that Sam had his guard up and that he trusted Steve. Not mindlessly, but like he had all the faith it was the right thing to do. Like Bucky once did. Sam was suspicious of Bucky still, he knew that, but he still gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe because of Steve, sure. He still did that every day now. When he picked up the phone instead of jumping to conclusions.
“Once upon a time, we had Steve Rogers around,”
Bob’s eyes light up in recognition. Yeah, that name did that.
“Steve picked Sam, you know. To be his friend and to be Cap. Or maybe they picked each other. But let me tell you, Steve wasn’t as good as making choices as it seemed. He followed his gut, not his head at all. But this choice, damn, it was a good one.”
Bucky made himself more comfortable on his seat, seeing that he also had Bob’s full attention. He was a fan of story telling, alright. So was Bucky.
“So when- when I ran free from Hydra and I was myself again, or trying to be, the winter soldier was an easy target to blame for other's peoples fucked up plans,” Bucky wasn't really in the mood to explain about the Zemo thing. “Steve went after me, he was trying to protect me, but things went to shit very fast. And well, Sam was there. I already knew he was kind, but he had this really high guard up. It was clear we were very different, even if I barely knew who I was.”
He remembered glimpses of working with Sam during the war. There was so much going on. When they met again in Wakanda, it was awkward and honestly, kind of funny. Every conversation they had back then felt a little like Hi, I’m your friend’s best friend who tried to murder you multiple times. I didn’t do it on purpose, though. How are you?
Bucky was so curious about him.
“You look better, despite the end of the world.” Sam had said to him when he showed with Steve, not for a visit but something worse. Bucky snickered anyway.
“So do you. Did you get better with the wings?”
“I don’t need to get better, what the hell.”
Bucky just shrugged, already found so easy to tease Sam back then.
Bob giggled while Bucky was retelling this to him.
“You didn’t mean it about the wings, did you? He’s so good with it.”
“‘Course I didn’t, but I wanted to light up the mood.”
It was such a brief memory, it was the best one from that time, though. Then there was the actual end of the world. And he turned into dust. Then he came back. And then Steve left. Everything Bucky remembered from that was through a very dirty lens. He was feeling too much, and he hadn’t had the opportunity to feel in a long time.
Bucky already knew back then that Sam was the best to carry the shield, but neither he or Steve had thought it through. And Bucky was simply trying to understand Steve’s course of action. Bucky winced at that memory.
“It must have been hard for you,” Bob said, when Bucky told him about shield’s complicated history and when the flagsmashers started acting up.
“Well, yes. But it was harder for Sam. We didn’t imagine things would be so hard for him. And we really should’ve known better.”
“No, I get that. But you lost your best friend. And the only thing left of him. It must have been hard.”
Bucky hadn’t thought about it for a while. He thought about Steve every day, sure. But he wasn’t proud of the childish way he acted when Sam wasn’t ready to take the mantle. Bob was right, though. He had been in pain.
“Anyway,” Bucky kept going. “I got into Sam’s path because I was pissed, but we ended up having a lot more on our plate than just dealing with the shield going to the wrong hands or-”
“John’s hands, right?” Bob snorted. “That’s crazy.”
“Yeah,” Bucky tried to summarize the whole ordeal, trying to not shit talk Walker too much, despite knowing Bob wasn’t a fan of him either, and letting it clear that he didn’t completely disagree with Karli, that it was complicated.
“I think I get her,” Bob said, after Bucky took a pause. “Doing the right thing is harder than we think.”
Bucky nodded in sympathy. Bucky knew Bob hadn’t meant no harm when he was the Void. He also knew that sometimes it didn’t matter if you had the best of intentions or didn't know any better. The damage was done. Now what?
“Sam knew that, too. He tried to be kind to her, he really did, but shit’s hit the fan pretty quickly.” He continued, still trying to not throw Walker’s mistakes on the mix, but letting Bob know he had his part of the blame in making things worse.
“Then the shield finally went back to who it belonged to. But Sam was tired, of course. I don’t blame him for any of it. It was complicated.”
“Didn’t you want to just get away from the fight? You had that choice, right?”
Bucky never really thought about it that way. Regardless of how shitty he felt at the time, he couldn’t imagine just sitting around and watching everything burn. Not then, not now.
“I guess I did, but I couldn’t leave Sam deal with everything alone. And fighting by his side- it felt right.”
Bob hummed, looked at Bucky like he just understood something meaningful, then started to yawn. Bucky realized through the window that the sun was coming up.
“Sorry. I feel like we were getting to the good part.”
Bucky smiled, finally feeling a bit sleepy. “I’ll tell you more some other time, alright? Have some sleep.”
“Bye, Bucky.”
Bucky went back to his bed feeling comforted by talking about Sam, but also with a bittersweetness in his chest. It was late to call or text, but it was different from seeing him in person. He also wondered how a meeting between Bob and Sam would go. Bucky figured Sam would like him too, and vice-versa. The thought helped him sleep.
He managed a few days sleeping mostly fine. Then his unconsciousness turned against him once again. He went to the lounge after getting some old coffee from the machine, a task Walker was surprisingly good at and Bucky would never ever admit it out loud but he always preferred it when he did it.
He saw pale hands holding another manga Bucky didn’t recognize and knew immediately he wasn’t the one only giving up on sleep. Bucky sat down a comfortable distance from him. Bob bookmarked the comic and looked at him with empathy. He looked more tired than usual, so Bucky guessed he had been doing this ritual for a while.
Bob looked down and his nose wrinkled in surprise. “Is that coffee?”
Bucky shrugged, took a sip. “It’s not like I’m going back to sleep anyway. Want some?”
Bob shook his head. “I still have hope. I had some good coffee in the morning, though. John did it, right?”
Bucky reluctantly nodded. Bob laughed a little.
They let the silence settle for a while. Regardless of how anxious Bob seemed, he was surprisingly good at letting silences linger. Bucky appreciated that.
“What’s stopping you from sleeping lately?” Bob said, after a while of apparent thought.
Jesus, where did Bucky even start?
He missed his stupid bed, the one Sam had bullied him into buying after discovering on a surprise visit that Bucky used to sleep on the floor. Sam acted like the world was ending again. They argued during the whole trip to the store, but Bucky had fun testing mattress and being around Sam, despite how happy he was about being right about the bed. And he was right, it did something wonderful to Bucky's back, who would've thought. It also reminded him to be grateful.
He was always stressed about all of them, the future of them, the fuck ass governement. Sometimes he still wondered if he could find a way to make his career as a congressman work, because sometimes he still foolishly believed that there was a way to help people without a physical fight.
He also felt like he’d only be able to breathe properly when he’d see it for himself that Sam wasn’t pissed at him.
“I’m just a little homesick,” Bucky admitted. And to think that only a few years ago he only had the memory of a home to miss, nothing solid at all. Now, he could think of a bed and a couch in which he once slept soundly. And only the bed was his.
“Yeah, I get that. This big mess put you in a shitty situation, huh?” He sounded a little guilty.
“I’m kinda used to it,” Bucky said, even though he was tired of being used to it. It wasn’t really Bob’s fault. “What about you?”
“I don’t have a home to go back to. But it hasn’t been all that bad, this place. It creeps me out sometime. Ava says it’s cause it’s haunted by history, but she’s cool. And Alexei it’s a lot, but well, he seems to mean well. And Yelena- she gets me. So I don’t have nowhere else to go, but, yeah.”
That was not what Bucky meant, but he could see clearly why Bob didn’t sleep well. His mind was the kind that never stopped turning in the wrong direction.
After a while, Bob said, “I was thinking about that flagsmasher thing. What happened after their leader disappeared?”
What happened was that he finally put Zemo back where he belonged. And that would've been satisfying if he wasn't feeling guilty as hell for the whole ordeal. So he put it into work to make things right, especially with Sam.
Nothing was easy at the time, when was it ever? But Delacroix was peaceful. And Sam’s uptight posture that had been following him for weeks relaxed a bit there. Enough for him to tease Bucky about sleeping in jeans - he truly hadn't planned to stay long and he didn't want to make Sarah uncomfortable.
“I promised you Sarah isn't looking.” Sam said when he noticed it, rolling his eyes.
That wasn't even what Bucky had meant, but they were used to playing each other’s game. He gave him his best cheeky grin. “You don't really know that.”
“I know that, smartass. Is this your move now? Being respectful?”
“Obviously. Why do you want me to take my pants off, Sam?”
They played it too hard sometimes and the moment would shift without intention. It was supposed to be funny. But Sam had glanced down at Bucky and back at his face, opened his mouth to say something and just changed his mind at the last minute, rolled his eyes before leaving the room.
Bucky repressed a grin remembering that, and didn’t tell any of it to Bob, of course. He did tell him about spending time in Delacroix, though.
“So we had this plan, right? For the moment Karli and her team show up again. And Sam’s prideful and all, but he wore the suit for the first time that day, and that was when people started to recognize him as Captain America.”
Bob looked at him with a hand under his chin, with the attention that a good tale deserved. Bucky proceed to try and describe the fight, and ended telling him about what happened to Karli.
“Oh no,” Bob said, when Bucky told him of when he saw Sam show up with her. “I was hoping you’d tell me Cap found a way to save her, that’s fucked up.”
He knew that Sam still thought about it because he mentioned her every time he’d encounter someone young trying to make a change through the wrong ways. They shouldn’t be robbed of their childhood or their lives, Bucky.
“We like to think what Sam said to the reporters that day changed something, though. At least in the way they write some stuff about ‘criminals’ and whatever. Especially when Sam’s involved. But yeah, it shouldn’t have happened that way.”
It was also a day that made Bucky think that maybe being part of the fuckass government could change something, because they clearly uphold more power then they let it show or used it for any good. Sometimes the persistent part of Bucky still thought that he could still make it happen, the hopeful and stupid part of him that refused to die.
The hopeful and stupid part was also alive thanks to Sam, who didn’t let even the worst parts of the world turn him into a shitty person, who faced everything with bright eyes, even when he was tired of fighting. Bucky didn't understand everything Sam had to go through to do his part, but he understood being tired to keep fighting.
“So, yeah, that’s how I know Sam.” Bucky concluded, like it was no big deal, knowing Sam.
Bob seemed thoughtful. “He seems like a hell of a guy. Worth of his title.”
Bucky nodded, thinking that there weren’t enough words to describe what Sam really was. When he looked a the window, the sky was making its early show, the colors changing to welcome the sun.
“Have you ever thanked him?” Bob said, after a moment of silence.
Bucky stared at him in confusion. “For what?”
“I don’t know, it just seems like he saved you. Like you guys saved me. Yelena doesn’t use that word, she says it’s too super-heroy. But I know you guys did. So it’s worth a thank you.”
That got Bucky so surprised that he didn’t say anything. After an embarrassing moment for Bucky, Bob yawned.
“That was a great story, Bucky. See you tomorrow?”
Bucky smiled. “See you later, Bob.”
He went back to his bed but didn’t try to sleep, he just sort of laid there, letting his body feel tired. That was when his phone vibrated with a text message - he took it off silence mode ever since this whole fuckery started - from Sam.
I’m arriving at your place early in the morning.
Don’t make breakfast I’ll bring it.
Bucky fought back the words Oh thank god fucking finally.
You’re like so late Sammy.
He organized his bag before Sam texted back just be grateful someone can clean up your mess man.
He was grateful for him, most of all.
Bucky went back to his apartment in a rented car with anticipation flowing through his whole body, which was silly, because he had seen Sam a few months ago, but he had the feeling that the ache in his chest would go away the moment Sam was close again. It was too much of a responsibility to put on someone’s hands, Bucky knew. He tried to not depend on Sam too much, to never put more on his plate than he already had. He just needed him to be there.
Bucky unlocked his door and took off his shoes, noticing the familiar pair that wasn’t his next to the door. Sam was already on the kitchen, unpacking breakfast, apparently. Bucky made his presence known by putting the keys on the kitchen island.
“Your hair is longer.” Sam said, when he turned around. After months.
The last time they’ve seen each other, Joaquin was cracking jokes about almost dying, making Sam slap him on the shoulder and making Bucky remember, embarrassingly, the most sincere he had been in his life.
“You still have the key.”
“‘Course I do.”
Sam simply looked at him for a moment, his expression soft. He simply opened his arms to Bucky and whispered “Come here”. And Bucky did.
Sam wrapped his arms around his shoulders, one of his hands through his hair. Bucky’s sleep deprived mind wondered if it was all real for a moment. It had to be. He never managed to bring Sam’s scent with him in dreams.
“You’re hungry?” Sam asked, not letting him go. Bucky didn’t try to.
“Guess so. Where is breakfast from?”
Sam chuckled, getting some distance between them this time. “You know where it is from, asshole. Nothing else smells like this.”
Oh, yeah, there was that smell. It was definitely from the place Bucky loved and Sam hated it. A small diner that served a breakfast sandwich that had bacon and cream cheese in it. Sam was absolutely against the idea of eating bacon in the morning. He said it was another stupid american invention.
“You’re american, Sam.”
“So? I don’t swear on the flag to every shit americans do!”
The diner also had donuts, though, which was somehow more acceptable for Sam. So that was what they ordered every time Sam was in DC, which wasn’t often these days. It was nice that he’d spend the little time he had there indulging Bucky in disgusting bacon.
They sat down on the kitchen island’s stools to eat. Sam let Bucky enjoy his sandwich in silence.
“How was your flight?” Bucky asked, after settling his stomach down a little.
“Awful. There was a straight couple arguing next to me.” Bucky hummed, mostly focused on his sandwich. “How are the avengers?”
Bucky gave him a look Sam was familiar with, a rude one. “Sam.”
Sam laughed, but it was bitter. “My bad. You wanna tell me the story again? Because it still seems insane.”
There was a genuine hurt there, a genuine worry, too.
“I wouldn’t do any of this without you,” Bucky says, because he thought it was a good way to start, because it was true. “And I get that you don’t know them, the kids, but that was not their plan, either.”
“Okay.” Sam said, and waited him to finish, eating exactly one donut. “Yelena is in the middle too, isn’t she?”
“Yeah, you’ll like her, she’s fierce.”
“She’s Natasha’s sister, alright, of course she is.” There was a familiar grief in his voice.
“She’s also annoying, her sense of humor is mostly pissing people off. Like someone I know.” Bucky glared at him, but it had no real annoyance in it.
“And I get along with people like that, do I?” Sam smiled. Bucky shrugged. “I think I get along better with the broody type.”
Bucky laughed, couldn’t help it. He was getting better at this, he thought sometimes, at letting joy in. But it was easier when he was him Sam.
Sam looked at him up and down worriedly. “You’re not getting any sleep, are you Buck?”
“What are you talking about? I look great.”
“Sure you do. Why don’t you take a nap? We’ll figure it all out when you wake up.”
“Are you planning on going and confront the kids while I’m asleep?”
They stared at each other. Of course he was.
“They’re not your responsibility, Bucky,” Sam said, not unkindly. “And in between the kids there’s a crazy russian soldier and goddamn Walker.”
He wasn’t wrong. But he should’ve known by now that Bucky was bad at letting things go. “But there’s Yelena. And Ava, and Bob.”
“Bob is the Void guy?”
“He’s not really the Void anymore. He’s just a guy, really.”
“He made people disappear, Buck.”
“I’m not saying they’re avengers material or whatever, I’m just saying-” Bucky didn’t know. Shit. He knew Sam wouldn’t really fight them, had no reason to, but he needed him to not see them as a threat. He knew how easily they could see Sam as a threat, too. And setting them apart would only work better for Valentina. “Just meet them first, okay? You can make any decisions then.”
It took Sam a moment, but he finally said, “Fine.”
“And if I take a nap, you’re coming with me.”
“I don’t need a nap.”
“Well, then neither do I. Are you ready to go?”
They ended up in Bucky’s bed, staring at the ceiling. Bucky missed his own bed so much, when did that happened? When did he allowed himself to get attached at simple things like this? His old therapist would say it was progress. He wasn’t sure about that. He was only sure about Sam’s breathing next to him. He closed his eyes, knowing Sam wasn’t asleep in that position.
“You really had to make friends with this kind of people while I was away, didn’t you?”
Bucky snorted. “It’s not like I did it on purpose. They found me.”
“Did they?”
“I mean, I chased after them because I thought something suspicious was up, but it’s the same thing.”
A moment went by. Sam turned his body to look at him.
“Hey, are you okay?” He asked, his voice soft. “It’s fine if you're not. Don’t bullshit me.”
Bucky looked at him. He had also gotten used to being the main object of Sam’s worry, even if sometimes he didn’t quite understand how Sam could care so much about him. He was done feeling unworthy of it. They had argued about this before.
“I’m okay. It’s been a shitty month,” Bucky sighed, decided to be honest. “But at least you’re here now, so it’s fine, really.”
“You disappeared.” He said it like he couldn’t get over it.
“A lot of people disappeared, too. We came back.”
“I don't care about other people.” Sam let out. Bucky tried to breathe. Sam’s whole thing was caring too much about everyone. But Sam also never lied.
Bucky laid on his side, facing him, and grabbed one of his hands, placed it against his heart. Sam looked down and didn’t move. “I’m sorry. I came back.”
“How- how bad was it? Do you remember?”
“Yeah, I remember. It just kind of makes you remember things you wish you didn’t. It traps you.”
Sam observed him, his pretty eyes searching, as if he could find some pain in Bucky’s face. There wasn’t any pain, not when they were close in a safe space. The difference between the Void and nightmares was that in the Void he had a front seat to his memories. He didn't feel the weight of the gun in his hand. He also remembered thinking “Oh, okay, this again” when he saw himself - the winter soldier - pulling the trigger with no hesitation. A horrified face that he didn’t remember the name it belonged to. And he remembered most of them.
Bucky discovered that his own pain was a little boring at that point, he mostly just wanted to get out of it. He had learned from Sam that carrying it wasn’t really a way to honor people he had done immeasurable damage to, it was just a way to trap himself. To ignore it completely was useless, too. In the Void, he saw clearly that what he could do was go from one room to another, to search for a way out.
“But you found a way out, like always.” Sam concluded, looking at his eyes this time. “I wish I could be here sooner.”
“It's okay, Sam. Other people needed you.”
Sam frowned a little. “No, I mean, it was torture, Buck, not knowing you were okay. Even after seeing you, it was-”
Bucky squeezed his hand, Sam squeezed back, let out a sigh.
“Back when Torres was hurt, it really helped having you there,” He sounded a little shy about it. Bucky smiled, hoping Sam would understand that there was no need to thank him, Bucky would do anything to offer him any relief, any time.
He thought about what Bob said, and it was a burden he was so glad to carry, knowing that maybe he saved Sam a little, too.
“I didn’t need you here just to build a real team, you know. I just needed you here. I always do, don't you know that, Sammy?”
The moment lingered and they let it, both realizing something precious at the same time.
Sam’s hand moved from his chest to his face and Bucky closed his eyes on instinct, feeling Sam’s lips on his a second later. He could hear both of their heartbeats. The angle was a bit weird at first but it didn’t matter. Sam kissed him sweetly, Bucky pulled him closer by the waist, Sam went easily, landing almost entirely on top of him, Bucky held him desperately and tender. His hand was discovering the feeling of Sam’s skin under his shirt for the first time. Sam’s hands were sliding down his chest.
Sam’s hand was still on his face when he pulled away. Bucky had never seen his long eyelashes from that close, there were tears on them from emotion Sam wasn’t holding back. Bucky thought about how much of his memories had Sam in it now, stories he actually enjoyed telling, despite the hardships of it all, how he didn’t mind going through them if Sam was by his side. It seemed all necessary now, if it all led them to that moment.
“We’ll figure it all out,” Sam said, certain. “We’ll find a way to clear all this bullshit together, alright?”
Bucky nodded. He would believe in anything if Sam said so.
Sam fell asleep on his chest quickly after. Bucky tried to remain as still as possible, praying for any force in the universe that it would be a peaceful night for both. It was hard to worry when all he could hear was Sam’s soft snores and his heartbeat, persistent and sure.