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The corridor in the old building was dimly lit and empty. Dorian leaned against the wall. He could hear cheering voices preparing for a party just behind him. Other postgrads had left just after the meeting, wishing him a happy New Year. The memory of Tatiana, giving all of them two gingerbread biscuits each, brought a smile to his face. "For you and your important person," she told him. The only person he wanted to share it with, though, wasn't anywhere near. They probably wouldn't meet until after holidays, when the biscuits turned stale. Dorian sighed. He didn't want to go home. It was December 25, he'd spend the next two weeks, including New Year and Christmas alone anyway. Better than spending holidays with his parents, of course, but the reasoning didn't help the longing in his chest.
He started walking towards the stairs, when he heard a familiar voice.
'Dorian, wait!' a blond man was practically running towards him. 'It's so cool that I got to meet you'.
Dorian felt exhilaration and pain mix inside in an impossible way. It was the only person he wanted to see all the time, and the one he was scared to tell about it most of all.
'Denis,' he grinned, 'what are you doing in the campus at this hour? Weren't you supposed to help your parents clean the flat?'
'Hey!' the other man swatted his arm, but laughed. 'Who gave you the right to remind me of this? Well, anyway, we had a department meeting, and all of us postgrads had to make reports about the research. The usual,' he added awkwardly. Even after months of reassurances Denis was still nervous about over-explaining and what he called "talking too much". How could Dorian convey that he was ready to listen to him all the time?
'And then they kicked you out to keep all the booze to themselves?' he said instead.
'I don't care about booze that much,' Denis snorted, 'but they'll eat all the salads! While we poor postgrads are going to starve on Christmas day by the Gregorian calendar.'
'I think I'm rubbing off on you, you weren't so dramatic when we met,' Dorian chuckled. 'Surely you aren't so eager to eat boiled food with a ton of mayonnaise.'
'I'm eager to eat anything at this point,' the other man sighed, 'even your super expensive healthy bamboo shoots.' Dorian tried to look offended for several seconds, but then they both burst out laughing. The walls gave an echo, yet no one came out of the doors to shush them.
'You know perfectly well I'm by no means a vegetarian,' Dorian answered after calming down. 'I could use some food now as well. Do you want to go somewhere?'
'Well, I,' Denis looked away nervously, 'I wanted to walk around the centre, watch the decorations. Maybe to eat something they sell at the Christmas fair.' He looked hesitantly into the other's eyes. 'It would be nice to go there together, don't you think?'
Dorian felt a familiar warmth inside his chest. Having feelings was dangerous, and yet they were like water in the desert for him. Denis with his big blue eyes and slouched shoulders as if he occupied too much space was the reason for Dorian to endure every single day of his life. He didn't dare to name his feelings, not even to himself, let alone the man in front of him.
'Are you, Denis Trevelyan, asking me out on a date?' he smirked. 'You're walking a dangerous line here. What if the officials hear you?'
Denis' reaction was priceless as always: pale skin became red, blue eyes got even bigger behind the thick glasses. He looked like a spooked deer in front of a wolf. Or a mouse in front of a cobra.
'I... I only wanted to go there, and I thought it would be fun to… go with you, and to hear you criticize everyone and everything,' he mumbled. 'But if you don't want to, it's fine, of course.'
'I'm only teasing you, as usual,' Dorian found himself grinning. 'Let's go, my car's not far.'
'If we go by car, we won't get there by tomorrow morning. At least the Metro has no traffic.'
'The lengths I go to for you,' Dorian made an exaggerated sigh. 'Alright, let's use public transport, I hope I won't die from the smell.'
'It's a normal smell,' Denis rolled his eyes, but smiled. 'I travel there every day, and I'm still alive.'
The snow was falling in large blotches, covering historic buildings, tourists and numerous stands of the Winter holiday fair. People were everywhere — walking, taking photos, just scurrying around between different fairs all situated in the centre of Moscow. The sun had set several hours ago, but the whole place was brightly illuminated. When Dorian came out of the metro station, he opened his mouth for a witty remark, but caught snow with it instead. He wrinkled his nose and sputtered.
'You survived the plebeian transport, only to be defeated by a bunch of snowflakes,' Denis snorted, shaking his head.
'It's very funny,' Dorian tried to regain his dignity, 'but I do recall that you enjoy travelling in my Jaguar.'
'I don't deny comforts when they're offered,' the other man answered with a lopsided smirk. 'Besides, I can't miss your comments on the road situation.' It would be fitting to kiss this smile off his face.
'Well,' Dorian deliberately looked away, thanking the universe that mind reading wasn't invented yet, 'I have a serious question now. There's a huge amount of people around us. Are you comfortable with it?'
'Thank you for worrying about me,' Denis' smile was somehow even softer than usual. 'I was expecting a lot of people here, although not so much. I think I'll be fine for some time, and then if I don't feel comfortable, I'll go home. Will it be okay?'
'Sure,' Dorian looked around. 'You know, snow isn't particularly nutritious, so I'm still hungry. Shall we find some food?'
Never in his life had Dorian imagined he would enjoy a hotdog covered with snow in a blizzard. He didn't even care about the melting water on his coat while he followed Denis from one stall in the Red Square to another. The multicoloured Christmas lights reflected off thick glasses and those impossibly big eyes behind them. They were enchanting, charming and irresistible, and yet the man wasn't even aware of the effect he could produce. If he had he would probably apologise profusely.
'Dorian?' the soothing voice pulled him out of his thoughts, 'Do you want the mulled wine?'
'Is this one alcoholic?' he looked at the stall in front of them with two thermo pots. 'I haven't had a proper mulled wine in forever.'
'That means you're doing a good job, aren't you?' Denis smiled. 'You haven't relapsed for a long while.'
'One glass won't do a lot of harm,' he sighed. 'But every time I think about drinking, I see Cassandra's disappointed face, and all the potential joy is blown away.'
Denis snickered. 'Two non-alcoholic ones, please,' he turned back to Dorian, 'I'll tell her next time.'
'Don't you dare,' Dorian held his phone to the payment terminal. The other man furrowed his brows. 'What? I have enough money to not care about spending some extra. Besides, who else would I fling my money for other than you?'
'But I wanted to buy something for you,' Denis sounded desperate, 'it's New Year time, and I don't even have a present.'
'We're in the middle of a fair, you can always surprise me with some useless but adorable trinket.'
'Dorian!' he swatted the man's arm playfully before taking his drink and thanking the vendor. 'I'd love to give you something you would enjoy. Like a piece of gingerbread, or, I don't know, anything else you'd like.'
'I don't think this drink is actually worth it,' the other man took a sip. 'Wait, gingerbread? Hold my cup, I have a small surprise for you.' He took two small bundles of paper out of his messenger bag. 'Here, take whichever you like. Tanya, another postgrad from our department, gave all of us these today.'
'Oh, thank you so much,' Denis unwrapped the gingerbread and nibbled it, 'tell her it's delicious.'
Dorian nodded with a broad grin on his face. He felt giddy, lightheaded even. It felt like a dream come true. The most special person in his life shared this little piece of gingerbread with him! He tasted the snack, just to make sure it was real. It was so silly, but he didn't care.
'Thank you, truly,' Denis took a sip of his drink. 'The last time anyone outside my family gave me homemade food was at school.' He looked away. 'And it was out of pity for the resident school weirdo.' There was bitterness in his voice that always appeared when he was talking about his school.
'Oh, at least you didn't have to fight for it,' Dorian waved his hand trying to get the other's attention. 'I told you I had fought a lot with other children, and this wasn't an exception. It was one of the boys' birthday, and his mother brought small pies to the class. I was determined to eat more of them than others, because I had a crush on him...'
'You liked… a boy?' Denis' blue eyes became even wider.
'I,' Dorian swallowed, 'I have to find a toilet.' He dashed between the stalls as if being chased by wolves. His lungs burned from the frosty air, but he barely registered it. Mercifully there was a vacant toilet cubicle just outside the fair. Dorian nearly vomited upon entering because of the smell, but still closed the door behind him. When he was finally alone, he took a deep breath of the miasmic air. Now that he stopped running, he realised that he could have made a joke about it, and Denis wouldn't have batted an eye. But his actions, his humiliating retreat was too revealing. His friend wasn't good at taking hints due to the Asperger syndrome, but he wasn't stupid. Friend, Dorian chuckled to himself, that won't probably be true after such a revelation. He had always been proud of his ability to face problems head on, and this was such a case. He couldn't run away like a coward, at the very least he owed Denis an honest explanation. Later he would crawl to his apartment, get into the drinking spree and maybe wake up from it the next year.
When he exited the cubicle, Dorian breathed the fresh frosty air. He started moving in the direction where he left Denis, when his phone buzzed. It was a message from him: "I'm near the big New Year tree on Manezhnaya Square." Soon another message popped up. "If you want to talk to me now, of course." Dorian smiled tentatively and typed: "Wait for me, please." A little thumbs up reaction appeared on it a second later.
The tree was enormous, Dorian had to throw his head back to see the star at the top of it. There were throngs of people around talking in different languages, so it reminded Dorian of the Tower of Babel. After scanning the space for several minutes he finally caught the glimpse of a blond head with glasses. It took Dorian some manoeuvring around tourists with cameras and ever-moving children to get to his friend. Upon closer inspection Denis was holding two candy canes, one in each hand.
'This one's for you,' he held out one of them to Dorian, 'they said it had an apple flavour, and it wasn't too expensive. I hope you'll like it.' He added apologetically.
'Thank you,' Dorian took the candy cane, which looked small in his large hand. He cleared his throat and looked into the other's eyes. 'I need to tell you something.' Denis nodded, listening attentively. 'I'm attracted to men. That's why I'm not on good terms with my father, and why I picked up drinking in the first place.'
'So, you're… bisexual?' Denis furrowed his brows. He looked as if he was trying to solve a puzzle.
'If only,' Dorian chuckled mirthlessly, 'I'm gay, and…' He didn't know what else to say, he could only brace himself for Denis' response.
'Oh, sorry,' the other man swallowed nervously, 'it's just… Sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't want you to become upset.' He shook his head. 'I won't tell anyone, of course.' He suddenly winced. 'Dorian, tell me, is it uncomfortable to you that I touch your arms and shoulders so much? I know I'm clingy with people close to me, but I didn't realise my actions could be harmful to you.'
'Am I… close to you? After I've said that I'm attracted to men?' Dorian was confused, he expected anything but apologies from Denis. 'You aren't scared of me?'
'Why would I be scared?' Denis looked taken aback. 'I literally stayed overnight on your couch in the living room several times, and you never took advantage of me. And I know you never will.' He absentmindedly pushed his glasses up his face, looking at the Christmas lights. 'If anything, I feel safe around you. The only thing I'm scared of is the fact that at some point you'll find someone, a… man, I assume, and I'll be pushed to the periphery of your attention. I know it would be too selfish to want you all to myself, but I can't help wondering what will become of me when it happens. I thought I would be a nice uncle to your children. Before you told me you weren't into women, that is.' He looked into Dorian's eyes and suddenly took a step back.
'Sorry,' he realised he looked at Denis too intensely and averted his gaze. All he wanted was to get on his knees on the dirty snow and give Denis his trembling heart. Now that would definitely scare him away, so he had to come up with something else. 'People like me don't have someone. I sleep with men without even exchanging our names, let alone meeting twice. And…'
'Wait,' Denis raised his hand, 'do you remember my friend Sera, the artist? She lives with a woman. She's not open about it, of course, but they're together. Her parents, although displeased with it, allowed them to live in a flat they owned. I mean, I'm not saying that you have to do something like that, but it's not impossible.'
'I… don't want to talk about it right now,' Dorian said mostly to quell the hope that started blossoming in his chest. Denis nodded in understanding. 'Do you want to go somewhere else?'
'To tell you the truth, I was overwhelmed standing here alone without you, with so many people moving and talking around me,' he sighed. 'I don't even think a lot of them spoke Russian. I need to go home.'
'Yes, of course,' Dorian suddenly thought of his friend crowded by people and being extremely uncomfortable because of him. He should have known that without distraction Denis' mind would be overloaded by sensations. It already were, even with Dorian by his side, but alone? It should've been ten times worse. He felt guilty. 'Shall we go to the Metro station?'
'Sure,' Denis started walking, 'Where will you celebrate New Year?'
'Oh, some fancy club, as usual,' Dorian smiled, 'horrible music, dull people with plastered smiles, overpriced alcohol and confetti stuck in my hairdo. You know I adore these things to bits.'
'Well, you can spend much less money by joining my family and myself,' Denis shrugged. 'We aren't fancy, but at least we wear natural gloomy face expressions instead of fake smiles.'
'Are you serious right now?' Dorian was so puzzled he didn't even register the joke at first.
'Yes, I actually thought about inviting you for the New Year celebration, but I thought you'd rather spend it with your family, friends, a special someone… Anyway, I'll understand if you don't want to, just know that the invitation still stands.'
'Do your parents know about your plans?'
'Don't worry, they'll be happy to meet you, I've already talked a lot about you with them,' he turned his head to Dorian. 'You don't have to buy presents, just bring something simple for the dinner table. It will be far from luxurious.'
'You wound me, Denis,' Dorian said playfully, 'you put me and "simple" in one sentence, that absolutely won't do. Don't worry, I'll fill your table with delicacies, even if you won't ask me.'
'So you'll join us?' Denis sounded excited.
'Oh yes, and now it's already too late to take your words back.'
The other man laughed, and Dorian thought that although the real holiday was still ahead of them, that evening already felt like a Christmas miracle.