Chapter Text
SEVEN
Eddie Diaz’s first and oldest memory is sometime around Christmas at two years old. He remembers a big sparkling tree in his church’s foyer. He remembers the twinkling lights and he remembers his mother holding him close enough to it that he could reach out and grab a branch. He remembers it being too sharp. He remembers crying. He remembers his mother scolding him and hurrying out of the church into the parking lot.
He remembers the births of his sisters. He remembers that his room used to be a light yellow before they painted it blue. He remembers going to church since he was a baby. He remembers his first day of school.
Eddie Diaz’s favorite memory, though, might just have to be the day he met his best friend.
It was hot out, nearing the end of July in El Paso, and a 7-year-old Eddie Diaz woke up to the sound of faint voices coming from downstairs.
“We just wanted to introduce ourselves.” An unfamiliar woman’s voice said.
Eddie got out of bed and peeked out his window for any new cars in his driveway.
There were none, but there was a moving truck in front of the house across the street.
Eddie had liked his old neighbors. An elderly couple who would let him come over to put food in the bird feeder in their backyard and then give him cookies, telling him how tall he was getting every time.
A few months ago, his mother told him the couple had gone to live with their daughter. She told him that’s what kids do when they’re older, they take care of their parents. That's what he’ll have to do for them one day, she said.
Eddie was under the assumption that when he was all grown up, he’d be able to live on his own. Apparently, he’s stuck living with his parents his whole entire life.
Not that he minds too much. His mom is really good at cooking, and Eddie’s not even allowed to use the stove on his own.
The house across the street had been empty since then, but now a giant truck is parked outside, and people are moving furniture and boxes out of it, and Eddie needs to get dressed so he can go meet his new neighbors. He hopes they’re nice and that they have a bird feeder too.
As he races down the stairs, he hears the same voice again. This time more shrill.
“Evan! Sit down!”
Eddie rounds the corner into the living room just in time to catch a kid his age rushing over to the couch. The kid sits down on the very edge of the couch, foot tapping and eyes darting around. His eyes light up when they land on Eddie and he’s right back off the couch again.
“Evan!” The woman scolds. It’s no use.
“Hi! I’m Evan! I’m seven years old and I like riding my bike. Do you have a bike? If you have a bike, then maybe we could ride our bikes together. I’m really good. I can go no-hands, and I can almost do a wheelie, but I’m still practicing. At my old house, I built a ramp. It was really cool, even though I got hurt from it. But I’m way better now, so I could probably do it without getting hurt. Do you know any bike tricks? I could teach you mine! We could ride our bikes together and do tricks together. Wouldn’t that be so cool?”
Eddie tries to answer, but Evan keeps going.
“We would be like the coolest kids ever! Wait, do you even know how to ride a bike? I could probably teach you how. Maddie taught me, so I’m like an expert now. She taught me on a red bike, but I broke it, but my dad got me a brand new bike! This one is blue! I think it’s still in the truck. I bet if—”
“Evan, enough!” The lady on the couch interrupts him and Evan goes rigid, smile falling from his face.
Evan ducks his head a bit and looks back at Eddie with wide blue eyes. “Sorry.”
Eddie is… overwhelmed. That was a lot of information for a seven-year-old to get all at once. What is he supposed to do? Is he meant to think back through and answer every one of Evan’s questions, or does he just answer the last one?
“Eddie,” His mother calls his attention from where she’s sitting on the armchair. “These are the Buckleys. They’re moving in across the street.” She turns to the lady on the couch. “This is my oldest, Eddie.”
The lady on the couch is now looking at Eddie. Eddie wants to crumble under the weight of her scrutinous gaze. He gives a shy little wave to her.
“Hi. Um,” He turns back to Evan. He looks so sad, curled in on himself like he’s done something wrong. Eddie hates it. “I—I have a green bike. I’m not very good at riding it, though.”
Evan’s face lights up again, “That’s okay, I’ll help you! Mom, can me and Eddie go ride our bikes together now?”
“Evan…” Evan’s mother warns warily.
“Oh, that would be perfect!” Eddie’s mom claps, “Eddie could use some more friends. And our neighborhood is very safe, Margaret, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Margaret seems hesitant but nods.
“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” Evan cheers, pumping his fists in the air excitedly. Eddie can’t help but laugh a little.
“Maddie, go help Evan find his bike.”
The young girl in the middle of the couch nods and stands up, following after a running Evan.
By the time Eddie finds his own bike in the shed, Evan is bouncing on his heels at the end of Eddie’s driveway.
“Eddie! Look! I found my bike! Are you ready?”
Eddie smiles as he walks his bike down the driveway. “M’not very good.”
“Don’t worry, I can show you!”
Eddie mounted his bike and pushed into the street. He was wobbly and unsteady and slow. Way too slow for Evan’s liking. Evan took off, speeding ahead down the street. When he reached the end, he turned around and rode back to Eddie.
Eddie had barely made it a quarter of the way.
“Okay.” Evan frowned, brows furrowing in determination. “We’ll work on it.”
“Okay.” Eddie smiled, enamored by Evan’s eagerness.
They rode up and down Eddie’s driveway a few times and eventually Evan got off his bike to walk next to Eddie, giving him tips on how to keep steady.
“It’s a lot less scary if you stop looking at the ground. Maddie said, ‘focus on where you’re going, not where you were.’”
“If I look up, I’m going to fall over!” Eddie huffed, putting his feet on the ground and looking at Evan.
“No, you’re not. Trust me. I’ve got your back, okay?” Evan looked back, eyes pleading and comforting.
Eddie smiled, knowing with absolute certainty that he was telling the truth. Evan Buckley had his back, he’d be fine.
===
EIGHT
Eddie Diaz and Evan Buckley quickly became just about the bestest friends you’d ever seen.
There wasn’t a day that went by without the two of them seeing each other. Sometimes they’d spend the entire day together, or sometimes they’d just see each other for twenty minutes.
They were inseparable.
Sleepovers every weekend, play dates every afternoon, bus rides together every morning— it didn’t really matter the time of day or the setting, they were going to be together.
Eddie loved his best friend. He loved his sense of humor, his unbridled kindness, his ability to make Eddie smile no matter what. He especially loved Evan’s rambles.
So at eight years old, he’s sitting on the swings at recess, listening to his favorite sound in the world: his best friend’s voice.
“There are four other Evans in my class, Eddie. That’s crazy. There’s even another Evan B. It’s like everybody in the world is named Evan. I don’t even wish I was the only Evan. I just wish I had a new name.”
“We could call you Ev maybe,” Eddie suggested.
Evan scrunched up his nose, “No. Evan W. is Ev.”
“Hmm,” Eddie hummed, thinking what else they could call him. “Oh! Just make everyone call you Buckley! At baseball, Coach calls me Diaz. We could call you Buckley.”
Evan considered it for a moment, but shook his head. “Sounds too fancy pants.”
“Okay,” Eddie nodded, “Hey! What about Buck?”
Evan thought about it for a second and then smiled brightly at Eddie. “I like that! It’s cool. Buck.”
“Buck,” Eddie repeated, smiling back.
Buck’s parents weren’t the most supportive of this new nickname, but Eddie used it anyway.
After a while, Evan felt strange on his tongue. Buck became Buck. That was just who he was.
===
NINE
“Do you think a dog knows that it's a dog?” Buck asked Eddie one day. Eddie frowned. In all his nine years, he’d never thought of that before. Buck always had the best questions.
“We know we’re humans.” Eddie shrugged.
“But how do we know that we’re humans?”
“We… figured it out?”
“No,” Buck shook his head, “We decided we were humans. We made it all up and said we’re humans. We decided dogs were dogs. So how would they know?”
Eddie thought for a moment, “Should we tell them?”
Buck seemed to consider this before answering, “No, I don’t think they’d understand. They don’t speak human.”
“Has anyone tried teaching them?” Eddie asked. “I didn’t know how to ride my bike very good because no one taught me. But then you showed me and now I’m even better than you.”
“Hey!” Buck pushed Eddie’s shoulder, “You are not better than me. You can’t even do a wheelie!”
“I could if I wanted to!” Eddie defended. He definitely can’t. And he never will. That’s terrifying.
“Sure,” Buck grinned, exaggerating his sarcasm. “One day, I’m gonna teach dogs how to speak human.”
“You think you can?”
“I taught you how to ride a bike, didn’t I?”
“Nuh-uh,” Eddie shook his head, “I already knew how to ride my bike! I just wasn’t good at riding it fast!”
===
TEN
Eddie can tell Buck is sad today. Which is weird because it’s Friday, the start of the weekend! But Buck was sad on the bus this morning, sad at lunch, sad at recess, and now, he’s sad on the bus ride home.
“Buck?” Eddie says, watching Buck look out the window. He gets no answer.
“Buck.” He tries again, sterner this time, the way his parents say his name when they need his attention. It still doesn’t work. He sighs and nudges Buck with his elbow.
“Evan,” He says, looking expectantly at Buck. Buck seems to snap out of it, facing Eddie with a startled look. “What’s wrong?”
“I think… my parents were really upset last night. They kept yelling at each other.”
Eddie nods. He’s heard Buck’s parents fight before. The whole street has probably heard it. He’s not sure why Buck is so upset about it this time.
“That sucks.” Eddie’s not sure what to say. His parents argue sometimes, too and it really does suck.
“I don’t want to go home.”
Oh.
Well, Eddie can help there.
“You can sleep over at my house tonight! Just come straight over, you can borrow my pajamas, and my mom will call your mom to tell her. That way you don’t have to go home at all!”
It’s always been easy for Eddie to cheer up Buck, so he’s not surprised when Buck smiles and agrees.
“You’re the best, Eds.”
Eddie shrugs. There’s not really anything he wouldn’t do to cheer up Buck.
Buck sleeps over a lot more often after that. Eddie doesn’t mind.
He’ll never mind spending time with Buck.
===
ELEVEN
Eddie's never been a very jealous person. Especially not of Evan Buckley.
Some people might assume he's jealous of Buck's athleticism. But Eddie's a great baseball player.
Or they might think he's jealous of Buck's positivity. But no, not really. Buck's positivity does nothing but bring Eddie up. He feeds off of it. It's contagious.
They might think that he's jealous of Buck's bike riding skills. They might be a little right there, but that's besides the point.
The only thing Eddie has ever envied of Buck is his lack of bullies.
That's not to say Eddie is bullied relentlessly. He has Buck around him almost all the time, and Buck is pretty popular with everyone, which means everyone tends to leave Eddie alone almost all the time.
Eddie's proud of himself. For only being eleven years old, he's really good at ignoring bullies.
That is until today.
Honestly, Eddie swears he's really not bothered too often. And he wouldn't classify it as bullying, per se, just frequent teasing. Which he can deal with.
It's just… Buck stayed home sick today. Eddie himself just recovered from a cold, too. He probably gave it to Buck, seeing as they spend so much time together.
He'll have to ask his mom if they can make soup for Buck and bring it over later.
They're in the same class this year, so they get to spend pretty much the entire day together. So when one of them is out sick, it's pretty obvious.
There's this boy in their class. Romeo M. On the first day of school, Eddie noticed him right away. He was the tallest kid in the class and he had the coolest haircut. Eddie had really wanted to be his friend.
Turns out Romeo did not feel the same way. Eddie found this out the hard way when Romeo tripped him on the playground and laughed in his face.
Romeo had gotten in trouble, but that only seemed to fuel his disdain for Eddie.
Eddie's not quite sure where Romeo's hatred came from. He'd been picked on once or twice before, but not like this. Romeo seemed to be obsessed with him, finding new ways to mock him any time he got Eddie away from Buck.
He liked Buck plenty, though, as most kids did.
Buck being absent was fine for most of the day. It wasn't until the bus ride home that Romeo began his instigating.
"Hey, Diaz."
If Eddie had known it was Romeo, he wouldn't have bothered looking up. But when you hear your name called on a crowded bus, it's hard not to turn. When he saw who it was, he rolled his eyes and looked back out the window.
"Where's your bodyguard?"
"He's not my bodyguard," Eddie answered, too stubborn when it comes to Buck to keep his mouth shut.
"Ohhhhh," Romeo laughed, "Sorry, where's your boyfriend?"
He sings that last word playfully, but all Eddie can hear is blood rushing to his head.
Boyfriend? That's not—
That's not how it works. Eddie's a boy; he can't have a boyfriend.
Everyone around him is laughing. Everyone's laughing, and Eddie can't think. Can't rationalize.
Eddie's not—
That's not even a thing. That's not real.
"Is he sick 'cause you kissed him with your germs?" Romeo continues teasing. The laughter gets louder.
Eddie's face is hot. His fists are clenched and he's on his feet before he knows it.
Eddie's never punched anyone before.
There's a first time for everything.
It hurts. His knuckles are throbbing.
There's blood running down Romeo's chin, dripping from his nostrils.
Romeo is tearing up.
The bus has gone silent.
"What the fuck, Diaz?" Romeo mumbles under his breath, sniffling and wiping blood off his lips.
Eddie punches again. It feels good. Getting it out. Releasing the anger.
He feels bad, too. Of course. He just punched someone. He feels awful and guilty. But his heart is pounding, and he feels strong. He feels powerful. He feels too much at once.
Romeo is fully crying now, wailing as the bus driver pulls over. All Eddie can do is stare at Romeo. His knuckles are sore. They're splattered with some of Romeo's blood.
"What's going on back here?" The bus driver is there now. Everyone is pointing at Eddie.
His parents are going to be so mad.
He's suspended for three days.
Eddie hates getting lectured. He hates sitting on the couch or at the kitchen table, feeling worthless as his parents yell at him.
He wants to scream at them, yell at them, get them to understand that he knows he shouldn't have punched him. He knows better. They don't have to keep telling him that he was wrong for doing it.
It's his mom doing most of the shouting. His dad is just watching, staring him down.
Eddie can't look up from his lap. He's terrified of what he'll see on his parents' faces.
His mom is still rambling. Talking about how disappointed they are, how ashamed he should be, how he's embarrassed them.
He ends up grounded for two months.
No TV, no bike riding, no play dates with Buck. It's home, school, and baseball practice. That's it.
When his mother is done, she storms away, still angry. Apparently, yelling at him for an hour wasn't enough to get all of it out.
Eddie thinks to himself that she should try punching someone; it helps. He tries not to laugh when he thinks it.
But she's still angry. He feels worthless. God, he can't even be yelled at correctly.
It's just Eddie and his father now. Eddie prepares himself for the worst of it.
His dad sits down and stares at Eddie.
He waits and waits until Eddie feels like he has to look at him. So he lifts his head, makes eye contact, and readies himself.
His father, though, smiles. "Why'd you do it?"
Eddie swallows the lump in his throat and says, "He cursed."
"He cursed? Really, Eddie? That's why you punched a kid?"
Eddie shakes his head. He can't lie to his dad. But there's no way he can tell him what Romeo said.
"Why?"
"He made fun of me. He—He's been making fun of me since school started." Eddie fights back the tears. He's not going to cry in front of his father. That's a recipe for disaster.
His dad nods like he understands. "You stood up for yourself. That's what real men do. You think he'll mess with you again?"
Eddie shakes his head.
"Exactly." His dad winks. "Well done. You needed to start manning up sooner or later."
He doesn't say he's proud of Eddie. He wouldn't. But Eddie tucks that 'well done' away, decides to hold onto it until he earns more.
His dad stands up and pats Eddie on the back before he leaves the room.
His mom signs him up for ballroom dancing classes two weeks later. She insists that it will teach him discipline and class. That it'll teach him to be less violent.
Eddie thinks the only reason his dad agreed is because he figured Eddie could still punch anyone who made fun of him for it.
===
TWELVE
Eddie is 12 years old when he realizes how territorial Evan Buckley is.
“Buck, I think Maria likes me,” Eddie tells Buck one afternoon. They’re in Eddie’s room doing homework.
Buck immediately sits up, defensive. “Why? Why would you think that?”
“Because she told me she did.” Eddie shrugs. They’re only 12 years old, girls are still kind of a new interest for them. More for Buck than Eddie. This is the first time a girl has been interested in Eddie, as far as he knows.
“She did?!” Buck’s eyes widen.
“Yeah. Today at school.”
“What did you say?”
Eddie shrugs again, “Nothing really. She told me right before the bell rang, so there wasn’t time to say anything.”
“Are you like… do you like her back?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
Buck nodded, “Good.”
They didn’t really talk about it again after that. Not until Maria tried to kiss Eddie after school, and Buck had appeared out of nowhere, stepping in between them. Maria seemed to get whatever message Buck was sending. Eddie didn’t really understand.
But he starts to realize, looking back, that Buck never liked it when Eddie made new friends. Not that he did very often, but if they weren't friends of Buck's as well, then Buck would get fussy about it.
Eddie never thought much of it until now.
He swallowed down the thought every time it bubbled to the surface, ignoring the weird twist in his chest.
===
THIRTEEN
"You should teach me how to dance," Buck says one day. They're relaxing in Eddie's backyard, enjoying the last few days of summer before school starts.
They're lying down, staring at the sky. Occasionally, one of them points out a particularly unique-looking cloud, but they're not cloud watching. They're thirteen-year-old boys; they don't cloud watch. It's hot out and they've had three popsicles each already. Eddie's pretty sure getting up and dancing isn't going to help.
"You know how to dance, Buck."
"No, like, real dancing. Like you do."
"I already told you I'm quitting. It's not fun anymore."
Buck rolls over onto his side, looking at Eddie. "You love ballroom dancing, though. And you're so good at it."
Eddie would rather not talk about why he's quitting. But he doesn't mind teasing Buck a little. "You don't need me to teach you how to dance. I've seen you at the school dances. You're not great, but you do just fine."
"That's totally different, Eds. Ballroom dancing is fancier. Please, can you teach me? Please?"
And Eddie really has a hard time saying no to his best friend, so he sits up and stretches his back.
Buck shoots up to his feet with a giant smile on his face and holds out his hand to help Eddie up. Eddie takes it and gets up, brushing off dirt and grass.
"What do you wanna know?" He asks.
Buck shrugs, "I don't know. Just—just show me something. Whatever's easiest."
"Alright. Waltz." Eddie decides. It'll be easiest for someone like Buck, who is agile and athletic but not too… rhythmically gifted.
"Waltz." Buck grins back, nodding excitedly. "How do I waltz?"
"It's just a box step."
"Right. A box step…"
Eddie laughs softly and beckons Buck closer, "Come here, I'll show you."
It's a natural instinct for Eddie. To lead. It's what he's been taught after years of ballroom dancing. So he guides Buck's left hand to his shoulder and clasps their free hands together.
It's weird, having his hand on a boy's back instead of a girl's. It's not… bad. Just.
Different.
Better?
The back of Buck's t-shirt is sweaty, and Eddie can feel a blade of grass under his palm, stuck to Buck's back. He lifts his hand and brushes it off. Buck shivers.
"Sorry. Grass."
"Oh, thanks." Buck nods, but his face looks off.
Eddie won't let it distract him; he's got a job to do here.
"Okay, I'm gonna step forward like this," Eddie lifts his foot and nudges Buck's, "And you step back."
Buck is staring at their feet, brows furrowed, deep in concentration.
"Now my other foot moves like this, and yours follows," Eddie instructs through a growing smile.
Buck moves his foot, following Eddie. "Okay."
"It's easy. Just mirror my steps. I move to my right, you move to your left. I go forward, you go back."
"Right, left. Forward, back. Got it." Buck repeats.
"No, don't do that." Eddie shakes his head, "Don't actually think about the words and directions. Just follow what I do. You'll get stuck in your head." He moves them again, completing the box step. "Count it."
"Count it?" Buck asks, looking up again.
Eddie does the first move again, "One." Steps to the side, "Two." Steps back again, "Three."
He leads them through it a few more times slowly, watching Buck watch their feet intensely.
One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two—
Their clasped-together hands start to fall, Buck seemingly forgetting to hold them up.
"Hands gotta stay up, Buck." Eddie reminds him, holding their hands up firmly.
"Sorry."
"All good. We're gonna start turning now, okay?"
Buck's eyes shoot back up to Eddie's face, panicked. "What?"
"Rotating. Let's go." Eddie turns them on the next step. A quarter turn to the left.
Buck stumbles a little. Eddie holds him steady.
They make a few full rotations, still moving slowly, before Buck says, grinning, "I think I'm getting the hang of this."
"Great. Time to move."
"Move?!" Buck's eyes go wide, panicked again. "We've been moving this whole time."
"It's called ballroom dancing, Buck. Not 'stay in one spot' dancing. You have to move around the ballroom. It's easy, c'mon."
Eddie leads them around the backyard in a basic progressive waltz. It's slow, and Buck steps on his foot once or twice, but eventually they find a good rhythm.
Buck isn't too bad, it turns out. He's no Claire, Eddie's usual partner, but he's decent. He just needs to be more confident in their steps.
"Okay, faster." Eddie decides.
"Faster." Buck nods, still staring at their feet.
"And eyes up."
"What?" Buck frowns, meeting Eddie's eyes.
"You have to stop looking down. It makes you look like you don't know what you're doing."
"Uh, Eddie, I don't know what I'm doing."
"Yes, you do. I just taught you. Keep your eyes on me. Trust me."
Buck nods, and Eddie kind of regrets it.
Now he has blue eyes staring into his soul, dead set on his face. He feels like Buck could see through him right now. It has his face heating up. He just hopes Buck isn't looking at his cheeks.
He focuses instead on leading them through the waltz, guiding them through the backyard.
It's quiet. There's no music playing. Eddie uses his heartbeat to keep count. If the dance keeps getting faster because of it, he can't really be blamed.
When Eddie can't handle Buck's stare any longer, he twirls him. It's messy, and Buck doesn't quite know what to do when being twirled, but a laugh bursts out of him.
It does nothing to slow Eddie's heart rate down.
Eddie could never do this with anyone else. At least not any of the other boys he knows. They'd be laughing too, but not in the way Buck is. Buck's laugh was light, cheerful, it was him having fun. It wasn't mocking Eddie.
Buck lets Eddie twirl him a few more times. They're both giggling by the fourth twirl.
Buck gasps suddenly, eyes lighting up with an idea. "Eddie, can you dip me?"
Eddie laughs. "Yeah, hold on."
He moves them around a little more, finding the right count to dip Buck on. And finally, he does it. He spins him out—Buck giggling the whole time—and spins him back in, and dips him.
And then they're on the ground.
Eddie is being shaken violently from Buck's laughter as he seems to have landed entirely on Buck's chest.
They're laughing, and Eddie's arm hurts a little from where Buck landed on it, but they're laughing.
It's hot and sweaty out from Summer in El Paso. The grass below them is itchy and gross. But they're laughing.
Buck pinches Eddie's arm, laughing hysterically, "You fucking dropped me!"
Eddie gasps in faux offense, "Excuse you, I am a ballroom dancing champion. You fell. And you took me down with you. You're not supposed to throw yourself backwards when you're dipped!"
"Well, how was I supposed to know?! I've never been dipped before! I thought the strong ballroom dancing champion, Eddie Diaz, would catch me!"
They're both laughing still. It's perfect.
They're drenched in sweat. They're practically rolling in the dirt with laughter. Eddie's arm actually really does hurt a bit.
But it's perfect.
Eddie gets up first, holding out his other, uninjured arm to help Buck up.
He rubs his other arm, but it feels mostly fine. Probably just a little bruised.
He looks up, and his eyes lock with the sliding back door of his house. His mother is there, watching them. She has that frown on her face. Tight-lipped and disappointed. The one she wears when Eddie's done something wrong.
Not wrong like, forgot to do the dishes, didn't take the trash out, tracked mud in the house.
No, the other wrong. The one Eddie still can't figure out. He's not sure why he's done something wrong, just knows that he has. Like when he played princesses with his sisters. Or when he'd picked out the pink ball from the prize box at school in second grade.
It's that face. That frown.
Eddie feels his chest start to tighten.
She's going to tell his dad.
Each breath is harder to take in.
They're going to punish him.
His fists clench and unclench, again and again.
They're going to hate him. They probably already—
"Shit, did I hurt your arm?" Buck's voice breaks through. Eddie snaps out of it.
"Nah, it's fine." He shakes his head, letting his arms fall back down to his side.
"Dude. That was so much fun. You do other kinds of dances, too, right? Like… tango?" It's clear Buck is trying really hard to remember the names of other dance styles.
"Yeah. Tango, salsa, foxtrot. Stuff like that."
"You gotta show me more. We're gonna be the coolest kids at school dances."
"Um, next time, yeah?" Eddie offers. He can't dance with Buck again right now. Not with his mother watching. With that frown. That look on her face.
"What? Next time? No, c'mon, Eddie. Show me now. Please?" Buck pouts at him, trying to sway him.
"It's—it's hot out. We should go swimming. Cool off in the pool."
Buck perks up at that, always down to go for a swim. "Yes! Great idea, Eddie." He swings his arm around Eddie's shoulders, still sticky from sweat, and shakes him playfully. "This is why I keep you around."
"For swimming ideas?"
"Precisely. And dance lessons, of course." Buck starts walking to the gate, back towards his house to get his swimsuit.
"Well, of course." Eddie grins, rolling his eyes.
"Meet you out front in five minutes!" Buck shouts over his shoulder as he opens the gate.
"I'll be there in four."
"Is that a challenge, Diaz?"
"Are you a chicken, Buckley?"
"See you in three minutes!" Buck answers, picking up speed.
Eddie can't keep the smile off his face. Not until he passes his mom on his way upstairs, and even then, he has to tuck his head down to avoid laughing in her face.
She's still looking at him. Frowning.
But Buck is going to beat him outside if he lingers on that. He has his title as the fastest runner in their grade to defend.
===
FOURTEEN
Eddie has his first kiss at fourteen.
Things have been different lately. Eddie has never really had much interest in girls. He figured he would find them more appealing when he got older. He always thought that, at least by high school, he’d want a girlfriend. But now, in 9th grade, he still has no interest.
Girls, though, have definitely taken an interest in him. He thinks it’s by association.
He’s Evan Buckley’s best friend. Evan Buckley, who is playing varsity football as a freshman. (Granted, he’s mostly riding the bench, but even being asked to join varsity as a freshman is impressive.) Evan Buckley, who was voted ‘best smile’ in their middle school yearbook. Evan Buckley, who, despite having all the ingredients of a player, has only been on two dates before. With two different girls, both resulting in nothing. Not even a single kiss.
Eddie’s not… jealous, per se, he just… It’s weird. He sees Buck going on these dates and he wants it. He wants to go on a date, too. So he considers asking a girl out. But as it would turn out, he’s just not really interested in any of the girls at his school. Or even his church.
In fact, just the thought of asking a girl out puts a sour taste in his mouth and a twist in his stomach. He thinks about that girl, Maria, who tried to kiss him when they were 12. He thinks about Shannon, the girl from his church who always tries talking to him after service. He thinks about all the girls in his classes, and it doesn’t feel right. He figures he’s just not ready for dating yet.
Maybe he’s just a late bloomer.
One afternoon, Eddie rides the bus home alone. Buck is going on his third ever date. It’s with Jennifer, a cheerleader that Eddie has English class with. She seems nice enough. Eddie wants to hope Buck’s date goes well, but a part of him really wishes it doesn’t.
He thinks maybe he’s just a little upset that these girls keep stealing Buck’s time from Eddie. Eddie misses his best friend.
They’re both so busy now. Buck has football practice every day after school, and Eddie has baseball practice every day after school. They usually ride the last bus home after practice together. Eddie usually ends up waiting extra long for Buck to finish. The varsity football team practices longer than the JV baseball team, of course. He doesn’t mind waiting, though.
The point is, high school sports take up much more time than middle school sports. So Buck and Eddie’s time together is already limited; why would Eddie want to give up more of that time for Buck to go on stupid dates with stupid girls? (The girls are actually really kind and Eddie feels bad for calling them stupid. He just misses his best friend.)
Later that night, Buck comes over after his date. He goes over to Eddie’s and Eddie tries not to be smug about it. Buck might’ve gone out with some girl, but he always comes home to Eddie.
(Of course, why would he go home with any of these girls? They’re only fourteen. He’s not even coming home to Eddie; he’s just coming over before he goes back to his own home to sleep. And why would he come home to Eddie anyway? Eddie’s not a girl. But that’s not the point. None of this matters to the point Eddie is trying to make. In his own head.)
“How was it?” Eddie asks, sitting on the edge of his bed. Buck sits in Eddie’s desk chair and spins in it, swiveling back and forth as he answers. He can never sit still. Eddie finds it endearing.
“It was alright. I had a burger and fries, but she kept taking my fries. Like, dude, keep your hands off my plate!”
Eddie frowned, “I take your fries all the time. You never say anything when I do it?”
Buck shrugs, tucking his chin to his chest like he does when he’s embarrassed. “That’s different.”
Eddie’s not sure how it’s any different, but he feels weirdly proud about it. “Well… did, uh, did you kiss her? Knock that first kiss off the checklist yet?” Eddie chuckles awkwardly.
Buck shrugs again. He’s being weird tonight. “She wasn’t… right.”
“I thought you liked her! What’s not to like? She’s a cheerleader, she’s pretty, she’s nice—”
“Eddie, I don't want to kiss someone just because they’re nice to me.” Buck sighs, picking at the seam of his jeans.
“Who do you want to kiss then?” Eddie asks, eyebrows raised. He doesn’t know why he’s being so pushy about this. He hasn’t even had his own first kiss yet. But there’s an itch in him that’s begging him to ask about Buck’s.
Buck sighs and gets up from the desk chair. He walks over and sits on the edge of the bed, less than a foot away from Eddie. Eddie’s heart picks up speed.
Now, why the fuck would Buck move so close to Eddie while talking about kisses?
No, nope. Buck would never do that. Eddie would never do that. Buck’s—he’s a boy.
Okay, he’s working himself up over nothing. Buck is still at least six inches away from him. They sit closer all the time. This means nothing.
“I read an article in one of Maddie’s magazines,” Buck says.
Eddie smiles, “What else is new?”
Buck bumps his shoulder against Eddie’s and smiles back at him. “It was… interesting. It—so there’s this thing—I think maybe it’s me. But I’m scared to tell you.”
Buck looks so sincere and so nervous, it breaks Eddie’s heart. “Buck, you can tell me anything. You’re my best friend.”
“I think—I’m afraid you’re gonna hate me.”
“Buck, look at me.” Eddie puts a hand on Buck’s shoulder, probably just a bit too close to his neck to be…But it’s soothing for Buck, it always has been. It gets Buck to finally look Eddie in the eye. “I could never hate you. Never in a million years.”
“You promise?” Buck holds out a pinky the same way Eddie’s seen him do with Maddie before. He’s never gotten or made a Buckley pinky promise. This must be really important to Buck. He doesn’t even hesitate.
He links his pinky with Buck and looks him dead in the eye, “I promise, Buck. I could never, ever hate you.”
Buck nods and drops his hand back down to his lap. “I’m bisexual. I mean, at least I think I am.”
Eddie pauses, trying to search through his brain to see if he knows what that means. He decides that he doesn’t, and that this is too important to Buck to pretend he does.
“I don’t know what that is.”
“It means that I like girls…” Buck hesitates, “and boys. Both.”
Eddie straightens his posture. He tries to process what Buck’s just told him.
And boys.
Buck likes boys.
They were talking about kissing, and Buck said he likes boys.
Buck wants to kiss boys.
Something akin to a knife twists in his stomach.
“You’re… gay?” Eddie asks, swallowing the lump in his throat.
Buck bites his lip and shakes his head. “No. I’m not gay, I’m bisexual. I don’t only like boys. I still like girls, too. There’s a difference.”
Eddie nods, looking away from Buck. He can’t really look at him right now. He’s not even sure why.
He just has this terrible feeling, like something is crawling up his throat and scratching and clawing at it, trying to escape. But Eddie keeps his mouth shut, keeps it in. It can’t come out. He won’t let it.
“Do you hate me?” Without looking, Eddie can hear the desperation and fear in Buck’s voice.
And no. He can’t do that to Buck. Buck doesn’t deserve to feel that way.
Eddie’s hand finds its familiar place on Buck’s shoulder again, and Buck is looking at him with wide blue eyes, sad and vulnerable.
“Buck, no.” Despite the fear pooling within him, Eddie looks Buck straight in the eye again. “Never.”
Buck knocks Eddie’s hand off his shoulder and pulls him into a hug, burying his face in Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie feels a wet drop seep through his shirt.
When he pulls back, Eddie just stares. Can’t help but stare at Buck’s teary eyes. He raises a hand to Buck’s face and wipes a tear away with his thumb. He’s not sure why, but he can’t remove his hand from Buck’s cheek.
He feels like this is a moment suspended in time.
Buck’s arms still in Eddie’s space.
Eddie’s hand still on Buck’s cheek.
Buck’s eyes locked on Eddie’s, glossy and tearful.
Eddie’s breath caught in his throat.
This feels monumental. Like they’re on the precipice of something. Like nothing will ever be the same again.
He can’t help it. He can’t keep up this eye contact with Buck; it’s too intense. He needs to look away. So he starts to look down, but his eyes catch on something else.
They make a full stop, staring directly at Buck’s lips.
Buck wants to kiss boys.
And girls, too, he reminds himself.
He sees Buck’s tongue wet his lips, going back in his mouth just as quickly as it came out. Eddie’s heart does a flip.
He’s not thinking straight.
He looks back up at Buck’s eyes, hoping to find something to ground him. He feels like he could float away at any moment.
Maybe this is a dream, and he’ll wake up in his bed and get up and go to school like any other day. Maybe this is just a dream.
But Buck is staring so intensely. Like he wants something. Eddie fights a shiver.
He realizes his hand has been on Buck’s cheek this whole time, his thumb caressing it softly. He goes to pull his hand away, but Buck is faster, putting a hand on top of Eddie’s, keeping it there.
Eddie finally finds his voice. “Buck—”
It happens so fast that Eddie’s mind can hardly keep up.
Buck’s hand is on the back of his head.
Buck’s hand is pulling him closer.
Buck’s lips are on Eddie’s.
Buck is kissing him.
Buck is kissing a boy.
Eddie is kissing a boy.
It’s not good. They’re fourteen and have never kissed anyone else before. It’s completely lips-sealed. They don’t know what they’re doing; of course, it’s not good.
But it’s everything.
Eddie has no baseline for this, and thank god. He doesn’t want to ever compare anything to this. Nothing could possibly beat this.
Something settles in him and yet, at the same time, he’s never felt more… more… just more.
He’s just never felt anything like this. He thinks he’s experiencing every emotion and every sensation all at once.
The fog is clearing, revealing a whole new world to be discovered.
He’s solved a puzzle, only to discover another puzzle behind it.
Opened a door, just to find a hallway full of doors.
He’s kissing his best friend.
He’s kissing a boy.
He’s kissing Buck.
It’s over almost as quickly as it started. Buck pulls back and licks his lips again.
“Buck—”
“Was that… good?” Buck asks, vulnerable all over again.
Eddie shrugs, still kind of speechless.
Buck’s face falls, “Oh no, shit, it was awful, wasn’t it? I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t—I’ve never—I’m so sorry. I wanted to be good for you, but I’ve never—I didn’t, like, practice or anything. Maybe I should’ve practiced. Fuck, Eds, I’m so—”
“Buck!” Eddie interrupts. The tension has entirely rolled off his shoulders, replaced by complete and total endearment. He’s smiling like an idiot, and once Buck notices, he breaks into a matching goofy grin. His cheeks are tinted a soft red, and his birthmark is ten shades brighter than usual. Eddie’s heart nearly bursts out of his chest, like it wants to escape its cage and melt into Buck until they become one, beating in sync.
“I—” Buck laughs a little, “I just really wanted to kiss you.”
“Me?” Eddie feels like an idiot. Who else? Who else could Buck possibly be talking to?
Buck bursts out laughing, and Eddie feels the giggles bubble out of him. He wants to ask more. He needs to know so much more. He needs Buck to explain everything.
Eddie goes to open his mouth, ready to ask, when he hears the telltale sound of footsteps down the hall.
He’s on his feet before he knows it, blinking and finding himself on the opposite side of the room, standing just feet from the door.
Buck is on his feet too, still hovering near the bed.
Eddie’s mom knocks on the door and opens it without answer, the way she always does.
“Boys, it’s—” She pauses with her hand on the knob, taking in the sight of them. Eddie is certain that he’s blushing from head to toe. Buck looks like he’s going to shit himself. Eddie’s heart is racing, the familiar buildup of anxiety in his gut. He feels wrong. He feels so wrong. He’s so fucked. He’s terrified. He can’t be seen like this. Not by his mother. She should’ve waited. He should’ve locked the door. No, he shouldn’t have done this at all. Shit, what was he thinking? This is so—he got caught up in the moment. He should’ve— “It’s getting late,” his mother finally says, that signature thin-lipped frown on her face, “I think Buck should get going.”
She disappears again, leaving the door open this time.
Eddie watches Buck grab his things as his heart rate slowly starts to drop back down to its regular pace.
There’s something new there, though. Something ugly and awful that he can’t put a name to just yet. It’s still settling in, finding its way through Eddie’s nervous system, coursing through his veins, making itself known in every crevice of his body like venom flushing all the blood out of his system. It’s ugly and gross and sick and—
Buck is standing in front of him, smiling again.
—it stings a little less—
“I’ll see you tomorrow. We’ll talk then, alright?”
—it feels a little more bearable—
Buck leans forward and presses a quick kiss to Eddie’s cheek before he ducks out of the room and sees himself out.
—maybe he’ll be okay.
Eddie peeks out into the hall to watch Buck leave. Instead, he sees his parents whispering to each other the way they do when he or his sisters do something wrong.
It all rushes back, full force, that new feeling.
It’s nasty. It’s hideous.
He thinks he’s felt this before. Never as strong, never as painful. Not like this. This hurts. Weighs on him like he’ll never be okay again. Like he’s wrong, like every part of his body has been pieced together incorrectly, resulting in some abomination that resembles a human just enough to pass under the radar.
Like he passed right under God’s nose during inspection.
He’s felt this before, just much quieter.
This is loud. It’s blaring.
It’s…
Guilt.
He spends the rest of his night in conflict with himself.
Kissing Buck was… eye-opening. Amazing. Perfect.
It never should’ve happened. He should’ve kept his eyes closed.
He tosses and turns and barely sleeps that night.
It’s just… it’s wrong. Eddie goes to church every Sunday morning. He knows that this is wrong.
He’ll be excommunicated from the church (If that’s something the church still does? He’s not sure). His family will hate him. His sisters will never look at him the same again. His parents will probably kick him out.
He needs to stuff this down inside of him and never think about it again. When Buck comes over tomorrow to talk about it, Eddie will just have to shut him down.
But then he thinks about Buck.
Buck could never be wrong. Sure, he’s wrong about trivial things all the time, but nothing about Buck is intrinsically wrong. And being gay—bisexual—that’s intrinsically part of who Buck is. Which means it can’t be wrong, right?
But then why does it feel so wrong for Eddie?
Why does he feel like his whole life is going to end?
Why does he feel like his life just started with that stupid kiss?
Eddie feels like he’s going to throw up. So stressed, so anxious, that it manifested into sickness.
He ends up hurling into the toilet at 2 A.M.
It’s kind of a godsend in a way because the exhaustion from that is what finally gets him to sleep.
He’ll deal with this tomorrow.
He and Buck will talk about it. They’ll talk it out and everything will be okay.
Eddie Diaz’s worst memory comes when he’s fourteen.
He’s just gotten back from baseball practice the next morning when he sees police cars in front of the Buckleys’ house.
He tries not to panic, but he’s certain he has an anxiety disorder, so there's really no hope.
“Mom.” Eddie manages, trying to take deep breaths.
His father pulls into their driveway and Eddie tries to get out of the car. His mother stops him.
“Stay in the car, kids,” She urges, unbuckling her own seatbelt. She exchanges hushed words with his father while Eddie stares across the street, fear pooling in his stomach.
“Mom!” Eddie tries again.
“It’s okay, honey, your father’s gonna see what’s going on.”
He watches his dad cross the street. Watches him hover around the commotion until he finally approaches a police officer. Watches him walk back across the street.
He ushers Eddie and his sisters inside and tells them to stay put.
He doesn’t say anything else.
No one says anything else.
No one tells him anything. For hours.
For hours, Eddie sits, imagining the worst.
He can’t imagine a world without Evan Buckley. A world without joy, and hope, and laughter. He won’t imagine it; he refuses. Buck is fine. Buck is fine. Buck is fine. Buck is fine. Buck is fine. Buck is—
“Everyone’s okay,” his father tells him late into the night. “Buck is going to be okay.”
Eddie lets out a heavy breath and stops himself from crying.
“What happened?”
“Buck was riding his bike, and…” Eddie’s mother trails off, looking at his father.
“He was hit by a car.”
Eddie’s eyes go wide, “What?!”
“He’s okay, Eddie. Just relax.”
Relax?! His parents are telling him to relax?! His best friend was hit by a fucking car and his parents want him to relax?!
“He got a little beat up, hit his head, broke some bones, but he’s in the hospital now, and the doctors are saying that he’ll make a full recovery.”
Full recovery. Okay. This is fine. Buck is fine.
“Can I go see him?”
“Not tonight, Eddie. He’s still resting from surgery. Mrs. Buckley said she’ll call with an update in the morning. I think for now, we should all get some sleep.”
Sleep. How is he supposed to sleep?
“Can we see him in the morning?”
“We’ll see if he’s up for visitors, alright?”
That’s the best answer Eddie’s going to get right now and he knows it. So he listens and he goes to bed and he doesn’t sleep one bit.
Another restless night of thinking and spiraling.
He feels it again. He had sorta gotten it to calm down a bit. This morning at baseball practice, he felt it less. He’d felt more nervous than anything. Nervous about talking to Buck.
There was so much he needed to know. Did Buck… like like him? Did Buck have a crush on him? For how long? How long had Buck been thinking about kissing Eddie before he finally did it?
Now, lying in his bed tonight, none of that really matters.
The nerves have been replaced by that same stupid fucking feeling from last night.
Guilt. It’s always fucking guilt.
This…
There’s a voice in his head that doesn’t belong to anyone he knows. It must be God.
This is what happens, Eddie.
This is what happens when you kiss boys.
The next morning, he’s dressed at the crack of dawn and waiting in the living room for the phone to ring.
It’s Sunday, but the Diazes skip church. It only makes Eddie feel worse.
It’s after lunchtime when they finally get the call. His mother is the one who answers the phone. After a moment, she quickly turns around, facing the wall. Facing away from Eddie.
Eddie’s heart sinks.
No. Buck is fine. They said he’s fine. Full recovery. He’ll make a full recovery.
His mother hangs up the phone and hesitates before turning to Eddie.
“Well? Can we see him?” Eddie asks impatiently.
“Eddie, sweetheart…”
“Is he alright?” He asks, but he knows the answer. Something is terribly wrong.
Eddie is fourteen when everything changes.
“Buck doesn’t… he doesn’t remember anything.”
“What—what do you mean? He doesn’t remember getting hit?”
“No, Eddie, he… he doesn’t remember anything.”
Eddie frowns, shaking his head, “How does that—That can’t be right. He wouldn’t just forget, that’s—that’s—”
“He was hit very hard, Eddie. It’s a miracle he survived at all.”
“I need to see him. He’ll remember me if he sees me.” Eddie decides. He moves to go put his shoes on, but his mother stops him with a hand on his arm.
“Mr. and Mrs. Buckley don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”
“Mom, I have to—he needs me—I need to see him.”
“Eddie. We have to listen to his parents. They know what’s best for him.”
Realizing that his mother isn’t going to help him, Eddie retreats to his room and locks the door.
He’s not supposed to cry. Men don’t cry. That’s what his father always told him. He’s not supposed to cry. But…
How could he forget? How could Buck forget him?
If Buck could just see Eddie, he’d probably remember and everything could go back to normal.
It’s only been a day and Eddie feels like he hasn’t seen his best friend in lifetimes.
If he could just…
Eddie wipes the tears from his face. He’s not supposed to cry.
Eddie is fourteen when his best friend forgets him.
Buck stays in the hospital for almost two weeks. Two excruciating weeks where Eddie just goes through the motions.
He gets up in the morning in a world without his best friend. He rides the school bus without his best friend. He goes to school and sits in class without his best friend. He eats lunch in the cafeteria at a table without his best friend. He rides the school bus home without his best friend. He does his homework without his best friend. He goes to bed and hopes that when he wakes up, he’ll have his best friend back.
He spends all his free time in those two weeks planning. The second Buck gets home, Eddie is going to demand to see him. He’ll see him, and then everything will be alright, because Buck will remember him.
The day Buck comes home, Eddie wakes up to commotion outside. He gets out of bed and spots a moving truck across the street.
He tries not to panic. Maybe the Buckleys are just putting some things in storage. Yes, that’s probably it.
He gets dressed quickly. He’d picked out his outfit ahead of time.
He’s wearing a shirt that Buck got him on his last vacation, hoping it’ll help jog his memories.
Eddie rushes downstairs, ignoring his parents, and heads straight outside.
There, getting out of the car with crutches, is his best friend.
He races across the street, shouting, “Buck,” when he gets closer.
The entire Buckley family turns to look at him. Maddie is giving him a pitiful smile, her parents look horrified, and Buck…
Buck smiles!
Buck smiles, so he must remember Eddie.
Eddie stops a few feet before him.
“Hey,” He smiles back.
Buck’s eyes widen a little before he says, “Hi! I’m Evan.”
Eddie’s heart sinks. “I… I know.”
“Oh,” Buck shakes his head. “Sorry. I don’t remember much. I was in an accident. What’s your name?”
Eddie can’t breathe.
Buck doesn’t even know his name.
He doesn’t recognize him.
This isn’t some big fairytale where Buck sees him and is cured. This is real life.
This is real life, Eddie.
He can’t—
He doesn’t—
“Go home.” Mrs. Buckley tells Eddie, looking him dead in the eyes. Cold and unwelcoming.
She starts shooing Buck into the house, out of sight. Mr. Buckley follows them. It’s just Eddie standing there with Maddie.
“We…” Maddie starts. She stops to blink tears away. “We’re moving again.”
Eddie just stares at her, trying to will himself to do something, say something.
“Mom and Dad think it’ll be better for Buck if we leave. I think they don’t want everyone pitying us again…”
Eddie doesn’t know what that means.
“They always do this.” Maddie looks angry now, tears falling rapidly. She doesn’t bother wiping them away this time. “Just… Eddie, you have to know, if it was up to Buck… he would never leave. This is… this is just what Buckley's do, y’know.” She shrugs, refusing to look Eddie in the eye. Like it’s her fault. It’s not. Eddie knows this.
Eddie finds his voice, finally, “Can I call you guys? Can I talk to him when you’re gone?”
Maddie shakes her head, looking at him sadly. “They don’t want that. They—they want to forget this all. Pretend it never happened.”
“But—but Maddie—”
“Eddie,” Maddie sighs. She pulls him into a hug. He’s not sure he’s ever hugged Maddie before. He’s known her for seven years, felt like she was his big sister too, and yet, they’ve never hugged. “I’ll take care of him, don’t worry.”
Eddie nods into her shoulder. Of course she will.
Eddie is fourteen when he sees his best friend for the last time, ending the same way it started, a moving truck across the street and Eddie Diaz watching from his window.