Chapter Text
“So when are we voting?” Ocean’s shrill voice pierced Noel’s thoughts. He could hear it from the other side of the warehouse. Warehouse? Purgatory? All he knew was that all he really wanted was to just die already. He knew no one was going back. They’d need a unanimous vote from everyone in the choir. And he knew everyone was voting differently. Ocean was voting for herself, like the demon spawn she was. Constance would probably vote for Jane or Ocean. Ricky was voting for Jane. Noel was voting for Misha. And Misha was voting for Noel, despite his repeated requests for him not to. He’d decided the most tragic way he could die is with Ocean O’Connell Rosenberg.
“I have decided…” Karnak, the novelty fortune telling machine man, and their captor, responded, “that I will decide.”
“WHAT?!” Ocean shrieked. “But-but you said-”
“I changed my mind.”
“You can’t do that!”
“I can do whatever I want, Ocean. Also, Virgil will chew through my cable soon and it’s quicker if I just decide.”
“Hmph. Fine.”
Anticipatory music echoed through the space, making everything feel ominous. Misha grabbed Noel’s hand. Noel squeezed it. Misha needed to be the one to go back. He deserved it. Even if Talya wasn’t real, he deserved to live, to make his life better than it was. Noel would accept having a Taco Bell meal named after him if it meant that. Noel loved him. He should’ve been able to find his love, too. And Noel didn’t think that love was him. Even if they acted really affectionate all the time. And they held each other during the crash. And they did kiss earlier. None of that changed the fact that Misha had a fiance.
The music stopped and Noel’s body started tingling.
Karnak finally spoke, “My decision is…”
The tingling got stronger and Noel's body was pushed forward against his will.
No.
“Noel.”
No!
“Gruber.”
NO!
“WHAT?!” Ocean couldn’t stop herself from yelling. “NOEL?! But- But he didn't even say anything real! Why should he get to go back if he doesn’t even want to be himself? Will the world really be better with another French person?”
Thank you, Ocean, for showing me why this might actually be pretty good, Noel thought. I’d finally be away from you. But, no, she has a point. Goddamnit. Why do I deserve to go back if all I am is a dreamer?
“The one who wants it the least must go back,” Karnak explained. “To turn their life around to how they want it.”
“I think Noel deserve to go back. He is poet. He is…good,” Misha chimed in, tilting his head at the last part.
“But-- I–,” Noel stammered. I don’t want to go back.
“You cannot alter my final decision, Noel,” Karnak boomed, seemingly reading Noel’s thoughts.
“How did you know--”
“I know all. Now, I suggest we hurry this up,” Karnak interjected, as a portal opened up behind him.
Through the portal, Noel could see daylight. Maybe…a sunrise? “Will I remember?” He looked back at Karnak.
“Do you want to remember?”
Noel looked around the warehouse. At his choir mates. His friends. He tried to speak but nothing came out. Of course he wanted to remember.
He wanted to remember Ricky, the boy who could never speak but had the most to say out of all of them.
He should go back.
He wanted to remember Constance, the girl with a big heart that no one really saw until that day.
She should go back.
He wanted to remember Jane Doe, who didn’t even remember her own life or had anyone who did.
She should go back.
He even wanted to remember Ocean, who, for all her insufferable-ness, could’ve really made a change in the world.
She should go back.
But most of all, he wanted to remember Misha. The angry boy who had somehow plunged his heart into both love and deep, deep despair all at once. The boy who had a love out there, waiting for him. A life, waiting for him.
He should go back.
“Yes,” he barely choked out the word. “I wa- I need to remember.”
“It is decided,” Karnak stated with such finality that Noel automatically walked toward the light. He forced himself to stop - he had to say goodbye first.
“Bye, Noel,” said Constance, waving her arm slowly and giving him a sad smile.
“Don’t be a dick,” Ricky said, giving Noel a nod and a confident smile.
“Make sure no one forgets me,” Ocean said desperately. Noel knew it wasn’t conceited. He knew she really meant, ‘make sure no one forgets us.’
“Find out who I am,” Jane said, her head jerking to the side. Noel nodded at her. He would find out. It’s what she deserved.
Misha was the only one who didn’t speak. He just looked at his shoes and curled his hands into fists at his sides. But…he was crying. And just knowing that he cared, even if he was just jealous (which he probably wasn’t, all things considered) was enough for Noel.
“Au revoir!” Noel called out, striking one final pose and grinning. He hoped they saw the pain in that smile. He hoped they saw the tears running down his face.
And then, he turned and walked into the light.
Noel felt the world spinning around him. There was light everywhere, and it was blinding. All he could do was walk forward, walk toward where the light got brighter and brighter.
Somewhere in the distance, he could hear someone shouting, “Wait!” and felt the light brush of a hand against his before…
-
He woke up in a bed. A hospital bed. He could see tubes in his arms and heard a heart monitor beep in the distance. “Mom?” he croaked out the word. Where am I?
“Noel? Oh, Noel!” Suddenly, his mom’s arms were around him, but only for a moment. Then they came back. “Oh, I missed you so much! Don’t ever do that again,” his mom sobbed into his skin.
The next few hours were filled with nurses and doctors, medicine and tears. Lots of tears. All from his mom. She was understandably worried about Noel, but Noel was only thinking of the choir. What was Karnak telling them? What happened to them? How much time had passed? Were they still in the warehouse? Or were they…gone? No. Noel shook off the thought. He couldn’t think about that now. Eventually, everyone left to let him sleep. And he did, for a while, but he woke up in the middle of the night. Through the darkness, he saw a figure standing in his door. A human figure.
“He-hello?” he called out, "Who's there?”
The figure didn’t speak. Only leaned on the door and hummed something softly. Wait…Noel knew that tune. It was the chorus of the song he sang in the afterlife!
“Who are you? How do you know that song?”
But still, the figure didn’t respond. Just walked away, still humming. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling. Scared? No, no it wasn’t that. Grief. Overwhelming grief. He tried to sleep, but the pit in his stomach and the tears in his eyes wouldn’t let him. They were dead. He’d never see them again. Ocean, Constance, Ricky, Jane, Misha. He knew he’d have to move on eventually, but for now, he let the sobs rock his body. The thoughts swirled around him. Never. Never. Never. Now all he had were his memories and dreams.
This happened a few times after that day. The sobbing, not the figure. But Noel did feel…something… watching him. Following him. He swore he heard someone humming the songs his friends sang in the warehouse the majority of days. Sometimes even twice a day. He kept track of the figure’s details that his brain had latched onto in the dark.
-Tall
-Strong build
-Deep voice
-Male presenting
-The voice sounded kind of…distorted, as if they were trying to sound like someone else on purpose
And how much did these details help Noel? None. Zero. Zilch. But, at least there was something for Noel to focus on.
For now, he’d just scroll on Insta. When he unlocked his phone (for the first time since the crash), it immediately pulled up to the messages app. Specifically his chat with Ocean. And he wanted to cry again. But he couldn’t. So he scrolled through their chat. Arguments, scheduling, deep late night chats. Without giving it much thought, he sent her a text.
Hey, Oce
I miss you. I know you won’t read this, but maybe you’re watching me type it from the afterlife? Heaven? Hell? Get back to me on that lol. But really, I miss you. I miss arguing with you about stupid things. I miss calling each other names. I miss talking about starfish at 2am. I hope you aren’t getting tortured or something. I promise I won’t let anyone forget you or the rest of the choir.
À plus tard,
Noel
He proceeded to do this with every member of the choir, even looking through all his contacts to see if anyone could be Jane. He made a list in his notes app of possibilities. But then he got to Misha. His best friend. They had been practically inseparable while Misha was alive. Just the two of them. And Talya. Fucking Talya. But, he had been texting her a lot less before…well, before. This time Noel did cry and typed out a pointless message.
Dear Misha,
I miss you. More than anyone else. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing to say, but it’s true. I miss everything about you. Your hair, your voice, your smile. The way you talk to me when I’m stressed, the way you get angry anytime some douche makes fun of me. I even kind of miss you texting Talya, and I hate when you do that.
You act really affectionate toward me. We have nicknames for each other. Hell, you even kissed me in the afterlife! Was I supposed to see all of that as just friendship? Purely platonic? I hope you realize how hard I fell for you. I love you Misch. I just want you to know.
On se retrouve de l'autre côté, mon amour
Noel
Now he really was crying, so he shut off his phone and turned on his side. He cried for a long time. Mostly about how pathetic he was. But then, his phone dinged. He pulled himself together and looked at the notification. His heart raced.
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