children I birthed chat

[Text] LaPointe: You two can vote too I guess: which of you is the mom and which is the dad?

[Text] Ilya: I am papa clearly

[Text] Shane: We're neither. Because we're not your parents...

[Text] Luca: That feels like something only a dad would say

[Text: LaPointe: And not a very good dad 😔

----

or, a month of texts between Ilya, Shane, and their rookies

Notes:

Note: there's a couple instagram posts in here, if you have dark mode on then it's going to be hard to read the text on those posts!

Work Text:

ilya: who is coming to dinner tonight? show me hands
Bergy: ✋
Luca: ✋
Young: 🤘
LaPointe: What are you guys making?
ilya: we are making free meal that you will eat with smile
LaPointe: Fair enough; ✋
Shane😩💦💗: Have any of you ever actually cooked at your own homes?
Young: what would we do that for?
Luca: Food just tastes better when someone else cooks it for us; Like how laundry is cleaner when someone else washes it
Young: wait are Hollzy and Roz doing your laundry Haasy; how do I get in on that

roz81
335k likes
roz81 🥵 you are all jealous View all 249k comments March 5, 2021

Bergy: HEY; WTF
Young: I know I just saw it😭
LaPointe: brb bleaching my eyes
Shane😩💦💗: What’s the problem?
Bergy: What’s the problem??????!!!!; You’re practically grinding on each other; Half naked!; Scandalous!
Luca: I am thinking about deleting instagram if that’s what I’ll be seeing there
Bergy: See! You’re corrupting innocent eyes!; Haasy’s never seen that much skin before; You’ve ruined him
Luca: I have seen skin before
Bergy: Shh!! No you haven’t!!
ilya: oh I did not realize sex police was on Centaur’s roster; 🚨🚔; wee woo wee woo; lock me up
Shane😩💦💗: I’ve seen all four of you posting way more risqué shit before than that.; Last week I was subjected to 10 full minutes of snapchat stories from Young in just his underwear.
Young: Yeah but we’re us and you’re you!
Shane😩💦💗: ??
Ilya: I did not realize we had homophobe prudes on team
Young: dude; it’s like seeing your parents kissing; it’s so weird
Bergy: Yeah it’s normal for us to post this kind of stuff; We’re hot and young
Ilya: I am hot and young; my husband is very hot and young
Bergy: You’re like 30
Ilya: 😦; you take that back
Bergy: It's true!
Ilya: you will regret this

roz81
335k likes
roz81 more where that came from @holmiebergy @lapointeyyy @haasyhaas @younghockey View all 301k comments March 5, 2021

Bergy: We’re bringing dinner over; be there in 20
Shane😩💦💗: Please tell me you at least got a side of salad.
LaPointe: Why would we do something like that
Luca: There’s peppers on one of the pizzas; Combine that with the tomatoes in the sauce and that’s almost like a salad
Young: yeah so all the food groups are accounted for
Ilya: this logic is good
Shane😩💦💗: ?? No it’s not???; And we don’t need half a dozen pizzas for like eight people
Luca: How many do you think we would need?
Shane😩💦💗: I don’t know; Like two?
Young: BOOOOO
Luca: Terrible answer
Bergy: Two????? Have you ever actually eaten pizza before???
Shane😩💦💗: What???; Two is a very reasonable number!; There’s like eight slices in each box.
Young: ugh I forgot you’re a #almondmom
Shane😩💦💗: #almondmom?
Bergy: Shane Hollander: almond mom final boss 😔
Shane😩💦💗: What

LaPointe: okay poll time:; between Roz and Hollzy, who’s mom and who’s dad
Bergy: Is the answer not already very clear
LaPointe: no, hence the poll
Young: Shane’s mom and Ilya’s dad
LaPointe: why?
Young: idk vibes
LaPointe: okay no; get your vibe radar checked; Shane is clearly dad and Ilya is the most mom dude to ever mom
Young: Shane literally force fed me kale salad the other night — that’s a mom move right there
LaPointe: okay; but; you’re wrong; last week Roz checked my temperature by actually kissing my forehead, which is way more mom behavior
Luca: Ilya made me turn on life360 so he could “make sure I never get kidnapped and end up in a ditch”; My actual mother doesn’t make me do that
LaPointe: exactly!; plus, Shane called me “sport” and “buddy” for the first like month of being on the team because he clearly could not remember my name; (the name that is written on my jersey btw); that’s not even dad behavior. that’s like fucking stepdad behavior
Bergy: Moms can also forget their least favorite children’s names
LaPointe: RUDE
Shane😩💦💗: What is happening right now?
Young: a spirited debate
LaPointe: You two can vote too I guess: which of you is the mom and which is the dad?
Ilya: I am papa clearly
Shane😩💦💗: We’re neither.; Because we’re not your parents.; Hate to break that to you guys.
Luca: That feels like something only a dad would say
LaPointe: And not a very good dad😔
Bergy: Shane’s about to go out for milk and never come back
Ilya: Shane no; you cannot leave me to raise these children alone
LaPointe: Plus if you don’t vote, then it’s 3-2 as Roz being the dad and you being the mom
Shane😩💦💗: ......; Well that’s stupid. If anyone’s a mother here it’s the mother hen who purposefully makes three times as much food as we need every night just in case one of you happens to be hungry and in the neighborhood.
Young: awwww Roz
LaPointe: you looooove usssss
Bergy: Big ol softie
Ilya: 😒; you will all starve from now on; see if I care at all
Luca: I didn’t say anything!; I want dinner still
Ilya: yes you are only good one; you are now favorite and only child; come over we are making stir fry
Bergy: 😧
Young: mean; but also: that’s a very dad response
LaPointe: No; That’s just a mean mom response
Bergy: BS; Roz is clearly the dad; he’s the one always laughing when we’re dicking around on the ice while Hollzy is getting ready to drag everyone off by their ears
Shane😩💦💗: You were using each other as human targets for the puck! You’re lucky nobody got hurt!
Bergy: See? Mom behavior
Shane😩💦💗: It’s mom behavior to not want everyone to wind up in the hospital?
Bergy: Yes
Young: Yep
Ilya: yes; very cool dads like me do not care if terrible children go to hospital
Shane😩💦💗: I’m going to print that text out and hand it to whatever the Social Services equivalent is for adult coworkers.; ALSO; Liar
Ilya: me? liar? never
Shane😩💦💗: You had a meltdown the other day because Luca’s life360 showed him on the side of the road for a half hour.; You were about ready to call every hospital in the area.
Ilya: this is different!; he was clearly dead in ditch!; and you would not let me organize rescue mission!
Luca: I just had a flat tire; It was fine
Ilya: shhhhh; your life was in danger
Shane😩💦💗: Yes Luca, don’t argue with your mother.
Ilya: you are about to become single mother😒
Luca: How about you can both be the moms
Ilya: you are no longer favorite child; Anya is my only child
Luca: ☹️; But I already bought your mother’s day present
Ilya: ......; I will still be accepting gifts; despite not being mother
Shane😩💦💗: I’ve seen you lick your thumb and use it to wipe a smudge off of Pointey’s face.; Accept your motherhood badge of honor.
LaPointe: Yeah that was a weird day
Ilya: ohhh sorryyyy for not carrying tissues with me at all times; I know Shane always has never ending supply of wet wipes handy; but us papas do not have magic mary poppins bag of mother things
Shane😩💦💗: Coming prepared does not make me a mother.; I’m going to remember this the next time you need a tissue and didn’t bring your own pack.
Bergy: SEE!; That’s a mom answer right there; Next thing you know he’s gonna be reminding everyone to wear a jacket outside
Shane😩💦💗: You should be wearing a jacket outside! It’s March and we live in Ottawa!
Young: cool people don’t wear jackets; only lame moms do that
Shane😩💦💗: Fine.; Get hypothermia.; See if I care.
Bergy: (he’s going to care a lot)
Ilya: children listen to your mother; wear your silly jackets
Shane😩💦💗: Oh please; You’re clearly the mom Ilya.; You literally named the group chat “children I birthed.”
Ilya: I birthed them like male seahorse

Ilya: who stole it
Luca: ???
Young: huh?
Ilya: do not pretend to be dumb; I want names
Bergy: The names of who??
Ilya: the names of thief!
Shane😩💦💗: You promised you weren’t going to start throwing out accusations, Ilya.
Ilya: Shane cannot protect you now
Young: haunting
Ilya: so where is it; if you tell me now I will only have you arrested not killed
Bergy: Still no clue what “it” is dude
Ilya: liar; but for the not guilty ones of you:; my grey hoodie has been stolen
Young: .....; how will you ever recover from such a loss
Luca: Aren’t you a millionaire?; Can you not… buy another hoodie?
Ilya: no I cannot!; this one is perfectly soft and worn in; which is why it was the target of this heist
Luca: Oh no; Is the FBI on the case already?
Ilya: is this sarcasm?; do you mock my loss?; you have not given alibi yet
Luca: We don’t even know when it went missing
Young: or which grey hoodie you mean? you have a lot of clothes dude and we don’t exactly memorize your closet
Ilya: this is clearly lie; I know you all admire my clothes; you were waiting for chance to steal
Bergy: Yeah that’s actually the only reason I signed with the Centaurs; To get into your wardrobe
Ilya: I knew it
Luca: Is it not possible that you just left it somewhere?; Or it’s in the laundry?
Ilya: now you sound like Shane; I will kick you out of chat too
Luca: If you keep doing that it’s going to end up being you just talking to yourself
Ilya: this sounds better than talking to thief
Luca: I didn’t take it!
Ilya: fine; then real culprit must come forward; I am not angry; but I will be calling police to arrest terrible thief
Young: Pointey’s been awfully quiet
Ilya: LaPointe???; !!!!!!; answer!!!!
LaPointe: sorry busy rn; What’s up
Ilya: ALEXANDRE MATHÉO LAPOINTE
LaPointe: When did you learn my middle name??
Ilya: return hoodie now or go to prison
LaPointe: I can’t hear you; busy spilling coffee on my new hoodie
Ilya: PRISON
Shane😩💦💗: WTF Ilya

Luca: Ilya!; Shane!
Ilya: yes?
Luca: We need you guys to say no
Shane😩💦💗: ???
Young: We’re gonna call you in a minute; And you need to say no to what we ask!
Shane😩💦💗: What are you going to be asking us?
Bergy: the rookies from NY want to hit up another bar; But we’re tireddd
Young: Pointey’s already asleep with his head down on the counter
Ilya: then just tell them you want to go home?
Shane😩💦💗: Yeah why are we getting involved?
Luca: We panicked and told them we had to ask you if we were allowed first
Shane😩💦💗: 🤨; You don’t need our permission to go somewhere
Bergy: Obviously!; But they don’t know that
Young: you just need to answer the phone and say no when we ask if we can go to another bar
Shane😩💦💗: Why would we be saying no though??; Won’t they think that’s weird?
Ilya: do not call Shane; he is terrible liar; call me; I am perfecting my ABSOLUTELY NOT right now

Hunter 🪦👵: Why are my rookies saying you two are control freaks with your rookies
Ilya: we do not question your terrible parenting; so why do you question our good parenting
Hunter 🪦👵: 🙄; I don't think parenting is the word I would use to describe being captain to my rookies
Ilya: yes this is why you are bad at it

Bergy: alright; The usual rules; $100 to the person that can get the biggest aneurysm from Hollzy or Roz
Young: I'm in
LaPointe: I’ve got it in the bag this time
Luca: I’m ready to go for gold the third time in a row

Young: Hollzy; Hypothetically speaking; How bad of a stain does fruit punch leave on a couch cushion
Shane😩💦💗: Hypothetically speaking? Start shopping for a new couch.
Young: damn; the cushions are light brown so I hoped it wouldn’t stain
Shane😩💦💗: If they’re light then of course it’s going to stain.
Young: :(
Shane😩💦💗: Wait.; Your couch is black?
Young: yeah; but yours is light brown
Shane😩💦💗: I’m going to kill you.

Young: try beating a death threat before 10am people; 😮‍💨
LaPointe: Oh please; I can do that shit in my sleep

LaPointe: Hey Hollzy
Shane😩💦💗: Yeah?
LaPointe: This is what my bedroom looks like rn
Shane😩💦💗: .....
Ilya: I think his brain has short circuited; he is already on his way over with trash bags and determination; and more bleach than any person should own

Bergy: Okay I’ll give that one to you; Hollzy is probably losing his shit right now; but that’s about to look like nothing

bergy
@holmiebergy

I know that Rozanov always says that Hunter has been the biggest influence on his career ☺️ nobody’s a bigger admirer of Scott Hunter’s talents than Ilya Rozanov.

MLH Polls @MLHPollsUS · Mar 29

Which has had a more influential career: Ilya Rozanov or Scott Hunter?

4:58 PM · Mar 30, 2021

202k Retweets 98k Quote Tweets 287.6k Likes

Ilya: TAKE IT DOWN RIGHT NOW
Bergy: Who should take what down?
Ilya: YOU; take down lies!!!!!!; liar!!!!!!; Scott Hunter has only influenced me to take care of skin so I am not wrinkled like him when I am 10000 years old!
Bergy: Sounds like a pretty good influence!
Ilya: take it down now!!!!

Bergy: I’ll take my $100 now
LaPointe: 🙄
Young: Hey no jumping the gun; Haas still hasn’t taken his swing yet
Bergy: Good luck matching that Haasy
Luca: 😇

Luca: I think I’m in love with Hayden Pike
Luca: WHAT; NO; ABSOLUTELY NOT; FUCK NO; Luca answer the phone!!!!!!!!; answer phone right now!!!!!!!!!

Luca: Okay the $100 wasn’t worth that lecture

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