Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Azune prides himself on his fighting ability. He’s been honing this skill for years, ever since he’s been recruited by the Gallows Choir. It’s the one thing he knows that would make his parents proud. Or at least, he hopes it would. Their sacrifice needs to mean something. It needs to be honoured. To be remembered.

Now, on the path to avenge Thjazi, he feels like he finally has a purpose again. Something to fight for. Of course, his skills were valuable to the Revolutionary Guard, it was important work, but more and more he was pulled off active duty to deal with paperwork. That’s not what he was made for.

They’ve been trekking through the Dahapshanee woods for hours. Kattigan and Wulferic in the lead, then Tyranny and Wick, followed by Teor and Thimble, and Azune bringing up the rear. It started raining about half an hour ago, therefore Thimble is now perched on Teor’s shoulder, keeping dry underneath his hood. Reliving this companionship brings a small smile to his face.

“There’s a cave here, I think we should make camp,” Kattigan yells from the front.

They agree and follow him into the cave, which is now illuminated by Thimble’s glow.  It’s definitely bigger than it looks from the outside, they all fit comfortably. While the others chat idly, he busies himself with reorganizing their supplies at the back of the cave, keeping track of how many rations they have left, what they need to stock up on, once they’re out of the woods, and what needs to be eaten soon, before it goes bad. As he’s laying out the items, he looks up to glance at the group, but gets stuck on Kattigan, who’s already looking at him. There was once a time, where having Kattigan’s attention on him was everything Azune needed and craved. Being seen by Kattigan used to be exhilarating, it used to be what kept him going. Now? Kattigan’s gaze feels like it’s burning a hole right through Azune’s soul. His heartbeat quickens. He can’t withstand the intensity and breaks the eye contact. He ignores the warmth spreading through him at the attention and he wills his heartrate to slow down again. This is not… He can’t do this again, won’t examine what this still means. He just needs to keep his focus solely on the items on the floor in front of him. He just needs to keep busy, and everything will be fine.

He repacks everything multiple times until it’s time to sleep.

“I will take first watch,” Azune states, walking towards the cave entrance before anybody can object.

“Wake me for the second shift!” Teor yells after him.

Azune turns slightly and gives him a nod. There’s an alcove in the stone right at the entrance, where he can see what’s going on outside, but nobody outside should be able to spot him. He sits down, keeping weapon in reach. With no more distractions he can feel the exhaustion of the past couple days creep up on him, weighing down his limbs. He sits, motionless, for hours.

He does not wake Teor for the second shift.

Instead, he lets his mind drift. Since the execution, the world’s been feeling wrong. Like he’s watching the world through a glass that distorts everything. Rationally, he knows that these distortions aren’t real, but he doesn’t feel like he’s real either, so who really knows?

The last time he felt like this was during the Rebellion. But then he had had a tether. Someone showing him what’s real. Someone to ask what’s real and what isn’t. Someone to —

“What in the shaper’s name are you still doing up? It’s almost morning!” A rough voice startles Azune.

“They needed the rest. I’m not tired, it’s fine,” Azune replies, voice devoid of emotion, as Kattigan sits down next to him.

All that sleep would bring him is more nightmares and he’s already dealing with enough of those while he’s awake.

He doesn’t turn to look at Kattigan. He can’t. He should be over this, he knows. It’s been more than twelve years.

“I’ll take over now, go get some rest. An hour or two is still better than none.”

Azune ignores this and stays seated. He can’t go to sleep.

“Why are you already up?” he asks instead.

“Just the natural rhythm of the woods,” Kattigan chuckles.

The silence between them stretches. Azune can’t tell if the silence is tense between them or if it’s just him that’s tense and he’s projecting. He’s just still so untethered. It’s like his mind can’t find its way back to his body.

He clears his throat and shakes his head, as if he could shake off the fog in his mind this way.

“We should wake up the others and get going again. Cyd and Casimir already had a headstart; we should move as much and as quickly as possible to catch up.”

Getting up, the stiffness in his joints reminds him that he hasn’t moved a muscle in hours. How did the night even pass? He stumbles slightly but catches himself on the wall of the cave. Get it together. He makes his round to wake the others. Teor wants to argue with him, tells him how irresponsible he’s being, staying up all night. Tired soldiers are dead soldiers on the battlefield. That’s why they have the rotation. Azune acquiesces and tells him it won’t happen again.

They gather their things and make their way further into the woods, holding the same formation as they did the days before. No signs of Cyd anywhere. What if they’re already too late anyway? The anxiety bubbling in Azune’s stomach starts rising up into his chest, gripping his heart in a vice, choking him.

He should’ve known Casimir to be a traitor. There must’ve been signs. His only duty is to protect, and he failed so miserably it cost the life of one of the most important people in his life. He hopes Cyd will not be added to the least of deaths he caused.

He’s glad he’s keeping some distance between him and the group. Breathing gets harder and harder, but he can’t explain what’s going on. He’s in good shape physically, this trek shouldn’t be causing this. In. and out. He just needs the air to go in. And out. Get it together, get it together.

 Azune does his best to not let the fatigue slow him down. His feet feel like they’re filled with lead, his vision blurring sometimes, but he has to go on. Needs to be useful. Needs to protect his friends.

He stumbles over a root, but before he tumbles to the ground a hand wraps around his bicep, keeping him upright. When did Kattigan fall back next to him?

“Hey, you good?” Kattigan asks. Something sounds off, but Azune is too tired to try and figure out the emotions swinging within these three words.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry,” he replies, pulling his arm out of Kattigan’s grasp. The contact felt scorching. He already misses it. He can’t indulge it.

“Right,” Kattigan mutters.

Even though Azune doesn’t acknowledge his presence any more than necessary, Kattigan stays close by. Almost like he’s hovering.

Why?

He knows that he’s being rude. Too distant. He doesn’t mean to be. He knows that he needs to be dependable. Knows that he’s putting up walls that have no place in a situation like this. But everything is just so overwhelming, and he just doesn’t know how to act around Kattigan anymore. That hurts. He used to be everything to Azune. His one safe space. And then… Fuck. He should be over it.

He takes a deep breath.

Everything is fine.

⋆༺𓆩⚔𓆪༻⋆

The snapping of the rope as Thjazi’s body drops startles Azune awake. He immediately covers his mouth to muffle the sound of his gasping for air and to force himself to breathe through his nose. Even awake, the different scenes are still flashing through his mind, one after the other, sometimes so mixed up he can barely tell what was a nightmare and what a memory. Thjazi’s hanging. The gaunt and pale faces of his parents. Thjazi’s last words. Flashes of his sister. Thjazi’s corpse in his arms. Sometimes he still feels the phantom weight of it.

It’s kind of ironic that the first physical touch he’s allowed himself in years had been that of a corpse. He was still warm.

Azune sits up, slowly and controlled, and surveys the rest of the group. Has anybody noticed? None of them seem to sleep peacefully most nights, but he doesn’t want them to know about him. He’s there to protect them. Not the other way around. He had tried to stay awake… but he’s only human.

They are all still asleep though. Good. Except for Kattigan, who’s sitting next to the fire, whittling something. Azune absentmindedly touches the little wooden robin on his necklace, right next to the bracelet.

If Kattigan’s already up, then they’ll soon start their day anyway. No use in trying to sleep again.

For the first time since Kattigan showed up at Thjazi’s hideout, Azune lets himself look at him. He keeps his hair longer now but still dresses the same. There are a few more scars. There’s the face tattoo to match Wulferic’s scars. The passage of time is visible on him, but it’s treated him well. He still looks so familiar. Safe. Before he can change his mind, Azune gets up and sits down next to Kattigan at the fire. He probably leaves more space than what’s appropriate. If Kattigan notices, he doesn’t comment on it.

“Good morning,” Kattigan greets him, without looking up from his wooden block.

“Morning.” He pauses, contemplating on whether he wants to start a conversation or not.

“What are you making?” Safe topics.

“A little bunny.” Kattigan turns towards him and shows him what he’s got so far.

“Very cute.” Azune smiles at Kattigan. When Kattigan lightly smiles back at him, the warmth spreads through his chest again.

He averts his gaze and looks at the crackling fire in front of them. It’s kind of fitting. Warmth is needed for survival, but too much and it will burn you up and leave you empty. Kattigan has left him with an emptiness that nothing else seems to be able to fill. A deep, gaping chasm in the middle of his chest. It’s still just as deep now as it was all those years ago.

The smile slips off his face.

Chapter Text

“C’mon Kat, we should get back to the camp and actually sleep,” Azune says, smiling at Kattigan, making absolutely no move to actually get up.

They’re lying next to each other on the forest ground of a small clearing Kattigan found earlier this day while hunting. It’s full of beautifully blooming flowers, illuminated by the moonlight, and a thick layer of moss covering the soil.

“You really wanna go back?” Kattigan asks, turning on his side to look at Azune directly. The smirk on his face betrays that he already knows the answer.

“No… it’s beautiful here. With you.” Azune also turns on his side. “I wish it could always be like this,” he whispers, the smile slowly fading.

Kattigan moves to brush a loose strand of hair out of Azune’s face. He’s been growing it out over the last couple months.

“One day it will be. I promise.” He cups Azune’s jaw and presses a soft kiss to his lips. Then he pulls back and presses another kiss to Azune’s forehead, bringing the smile right back to his face. “But first, we win this war, yeah?”

“I love you, Kat,” Azune whispers,

“I love you, ‘Zoon. C’mere.”

Azune lets himself be pulled closer, resting his head on Kattigan’s chest, right above his heart. Kattigan’s heartbeat must be Azune’s favourite sound. Hearing it means they’re both still alive. Living without Kattigan is something Azune doesn’t even want to think about, it’s unimaginable. He’s his rock, the one constant he can rely on in this perilous and ever-changing world they live in. It took them long enough to get to this point. To be able to express their feelings, to admit that they mean something to each other. He can’t ever lose it again, it would shatter him to his core.

“Tell me more about the stars?”

⋆༺𓆩⚔𓆪༻⋆

The sound of the bonfire crackling softly fills the air. Together they’re all sitting around the campfire – Teor, Thimble, Thjazi, Kattigan and Azune. It’s one of the very few nights, where they don’t really have anything to do and can just… be for a while. No fight, no supply runs, just a break for once. They’ve even indulged in a couple ale’s, well, everybody besides Kattigan. That’s quite unusual. But Azune doesn’t linger on it. Being tipsy does nothing for his already weak willpower when it comes to that man. It’s so hard to keep himself from staring, especially when he’s sitting right in his line of sight. The fire is bathing him in a gentle, orange glow. He’s laughing at something Thjazi’s said, looking irresistible. He knows it’s not appropriate to be thinking about his brother-in-arms this way, but he can’t help it. There’s just something about Kattigan that’s drawing him in and he’s helpless against it. Every second they spend together makes his affections grow.

Mid-laugh Kattigan suddenly turns his head towards him, catching him staring. Azune smiles at him awkwardly, warmth flushing his cheeks, before averting his gaze, studying the rock on the floor in front of him as if there was nothing more interesting in the world. He really needs to get this infatuation under control, before anything embarrassing happens. That’s definitely all it is. Just a stupid crush.

“You doin’ alright?” Kattigan asks, sitting down on the log right next to him, close enough that their thighs are touching.

Even while sitting down, Kattigan absolutely towers over him. He looks back up at him, swaying a little due to the alcohol in his system.

“Mhm, yeah, and you?” The proximity is making him feel tingly all over.

“Yeah.” Kattigan smiles at him softly.

It feels like everything around them vanishes, there’s nothing besides the two of them. He leans a little closer and almost does something stupid. But he’s still aware enough to know that doing something rash now will ruin everything. He can’t lose this. Not when he’s just found his people. That thought snaps himself back to reality and he pulls back a little.

Kattigan doesn’t let him go far though, he wraps his arm around Azune’s shoulder and pulls him to his side. Azune smiles lightly and lays his head on Kattigan’s shoulder and closes his eyes, enjoying the closeness.

⋆༺𓆩⚔𓆪༻⋆

“Hey, Love, don’t you wanna come to bed?”

Azune switches his attention from the piece of paper in front of him at the makeshift desk, to Kattigan, who’s already curled up in their bed.

“In a minute, I should finish the inventory list first. But I’m almost done.”

He knows that he’s said the same thing an hour ago. He also knows that Kattigan is aware of that, too. But this has to be done, it’s important to coordinate supply runs. The pounding behind his temples is making it difficult to focus though.

“C’mon, don’t torture yourself over this. It’ll still be there in the morning. You need rest to function, you know that, yeah?” Kattigan tries again.

He shouldn’t stop now. He should finish this – it’s his responsibility. His purpose is to serve. That’s it.

As if Kattigan could hear his thoughts, he says, “You don’t need to destroy yourself for this. You’re more than just a servant to this cause, ‘Zoon. Please. Come to sleep.”

The sadness in Kattigan’s plea is ultimately what gets Azune to follow his wish. He tidies up the documents and writing utensils, changes into his sleepwear and lies down in bed next to Kattigan.

Azune pulls Kattigan closer, wanting to ease the worry he sees on his face.

“Thank you for looking out for me,” Azune mumbles into Kattigan’s hair and presses a kiss to the top of his head.

“Sleep well, my Dear.”

⋆༺𓆩⚔𓆪༻⋆

The sun has set over the camp of the Torn Banner. Azune is still waiting for the group of scouts that left this morning. He was supposed to be with them, but an injury to his ribs he obtained in the last battle they’ve fought has not yet fully healed, so he’s confined to the camp. The weapon was cursed, so no healing magic they had access to could heal him up all the way, Teor really gave it his all.

They were supposed to be back before dark. Anxiety is crawling up his spine, he worries for his fellow soldiers – well, especially for one in particular. Every time Kattigan has left the camp without him for an assignment in the past two weeks, it’s been agony to just… wait and hope for him to return in one piece.

He’s set up at the campfire closest to the entrance to the camp, sharpening, cleaning and repairing weapons.

“Quit worryin’ so much Azune, they’ll be back soon. I’m sure he’s fine,” someone says, startling him out of his thought spiral.

“You mean, you’re sure ‘they’ are fine? And I’m not worrying, Thjazi. They’re capable people,” Azune replies, keeping his eyes trained on the sword in front of him, polishing it more vigorously now.

“Sure, yeah, all of them. But you’re only worryin’ about the one, so I’m tellin’ you, he’s fine,” Thjazi chuckles.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Azune mumbles.

Thjazi laughs once more, sitting down next to Azune and clapping him on the shoulder.

“You forget how well I know you. You’re not as subtle as you think you are. And neither is he, by the way.”

Azune stops in his tracks.

“What do you mean?”

“The way you look at him, when he’s not lookin’ is very telling, my friend.”

“Does anybody else know? Does he know?” he asks, voice trembling. People can’t know. Kattigan can’t know. That would ruin everything he’s built here. There’s no way someone like Kattigan would be interested in someone like him. He’s nothing without the people around him.

“Nah, don’t think so. I mean, Thimble has had the same suspicions as me, but otherwise, no. And Kattigan definitely doesn’t know,” Thjazi replies, tone shifting from light-hearted to serious. He knows when to stop teasing, especially with how anxious Azune is getting even at the idea of anybody else knowing his secret.

“Shhh! Why would you… people could hear!” Thjazi saying Kattigan’s name out loud just made this whole conversation a lot more real. When he doesn’t think about it or doesn’t talk about it, he can pretend everything’s normal. That he hasn’t been in love with one of his closest friends since basically the moment they’ve met.

“Why don’t you tell him?”

“Why don’t I tell… have you lost your mind, Thjazi? If he doesn’t feel the same way, I’ll ruin everything. I can’t lose him.” And he also can’t lose Thjazi and the others.

“It’ll pass; it’s going to be fine.”

“It doesn’t have to pass for things to turn out fine. We’re fighting a war; we could die any day. Don’t waste time you could spend with someone you love, just because you’re scared, Azune. You deserve to get some happiness out of all of this. Think about it, yeah?”

Thjazi gets up and starts walking off.
“Be brave!”

Azune shakes his head. He knows that Thjazi’s right; they really could perish any day. But at this point it’s not enough to make it worth risking everything.

He busies himself with the task at hand, attempting to shut every thought about this topic down.

A little while after, the scouts show up, at last. Filing into the camp one after the other. With every new person entering that isn’t Kattigan his anxiety climbs higher. Where is he?!

He puts the sword on his lap to the side, eyes still trained on the gate, and stands up. He starts walking closer, slowly. His heart is in his throat, time seems to stretch unnaturally. Until finally, finally, he sees Kattigan walk through. It takes everything in him to not immediately run up to Kattigan.

Kattigan looks up from the floor, meeting his eyes. A smile spreads on his face, as he tiredly waves at Azune. Kattigan starts walking towards him, that’s when he notices the limping. Azune gives in and rushes up to him.

“Are you alright? What happened to you?” He tracks his eyes over Kattigan from head to toe, checking for injuries. He knows Kattigan usually doesn’t like other people fussing over him, but he just can’t help it.

“S’nothing bad, don’t worry. We got surprised by an enemy scouting troop, one of’em got too close with his knife. It’s just a graze though,” Kattigan replies, chuckling lightly at Azune’s fussing.

“I’m taking you to Teor, he’ll fix it,” Azune says, grabbing Kattigan by the arm to support some of his weight.

Azune knows that he’s overreacting a little. But the conversation he just had with Thjazi, reminding him of how fragile their lives really are, and Kattigan coming back injured… He’s scared.

Teor is able to heal the wound and after a quick debrief and cleanup they gather to get supper together. Now that they’re all back together again, the mood is much more relaxed.  They tell each other about their day, the plans of tomorrow and anything and everything else. Azune’s gaze keeps landing on Kattigan. It’s just difficult to look anywhere else when he’s in the room, almost like he’s a magnet for Azune.

When he glances around, he notices Thjazi looking at him, smirking.

‘Tell him’, he mouths across the table. Azune just shakes his head and joins back to the conversation at hand.

As the hours go by, one by one everyone starts going to bed, until only Azune and Kattigan are left. Now that everybody left, they’ve changed places and are sitting next to each other. Kattigan is whittling something and Azune’s intently watching him. The ease with which Kattigan turns a wooden block into an animal or other things is astonishing to him. Right now, he seems to be making a little bird, the wood has a reddish tint.

When he’s finished, he blows at it once, to get all the leftover sawdust off.

“What kind of bird is it?” Azune asks quietly.

“It’s a robin. The red of the wood almost matches your hair!” Kattigan exclaims, causing Azune to laugh.

“Would you want it?”

Azune nods.

“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Kat.”

He takes off the necklace he’s wearing and adds the little bird to the bracelet that’s already on the necklace. He struggles to knot the leather band closed again, the injury on his side acting up as he stretches his arms up.

“Let me help,” Kattigan offers and Azune hands him the necklace.

“Turn around, please.” Azune turns so that his back is to Kattigan.

He can feel Kattigan move closer as he loops the necklace around Azune’s neck. While he’s tying the necklace, he grazes along the slope of Azune neck, who can’t suppress the shiver running through him. It almost feels like Kattigan is lingering on purpose.

“All done,” Kattigan tells him, voice thick with emotions that Azune can’t interpret. He doesn’t want to assume it means what he wants it to mean.

Azune turns around to face Kattigan again, a light blush dusting his cheeks.

“Thank you.”

He looks up at Kattigan, getting lost in the beautiful deep-brown eyes of his.

“You’re welcome,” Kattigan whispers. He breaks the eye contact to rearrange the necklace around Azune’s neck. He doesn’t let go, when he looks back to Azune’s face. Instead, he moves one step closer.

“It looks pretty on you, ‘Zoon.”

Azune doesn’t know what to do with this sudden and charged proximity. He’s just frozen in place, not daring to move a muscle, he doesn’t want to break the spell of whatever’s happening right now. His heart is pounding so hard, he just hopes Kattigan can’t hear it.

Kattigan lifts his right hand up to cup Azune’s face, tracing the edges of his birthmark with his thumb.

And then Azune does something that he’s just hours before sworn to not do. Shapers, he hopes he’s reading this right.

He grabs Kattigan’s shirt to pull him closer and then surges up and kisses him.

And Kattigan reciprocates.

It’s soft and gentle. It brings a calmness to Azune that he hasn’t felt in ages. It just feels right. Like this was always supposed to happen.

Thjazi was correct. This moment alone is worth any heartbreak that might follow.