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Large hands, stronger than mine, fingers tightly clasped around your being. One by one, I undid the ties. Was I worthy of this role ? What other choice did I have to prevent you from joining your real mother prematurely ? Your small body was like a living sun, warm where the lonely night wind had crept into a home. The blood had stopped flowing, frozen. Thankfully, the only life stirring beside the corpse was yours. I took you in my arms because I was scared and cold. Did I have the right to become a mother ?
I was a child ; the voice coming from across the torn tent reminded me.
Ariel, this is the name I gave to you, my adorable son. A name that reminded me of love and loneliness, of someone who was close yet unreachable. Someone I thought I could never retrieve but…Someone I met again.
You too were full of energy and strength, once again I could hardly follow. I'm sorry, Ariel. I'm so sorry for getting angry at you during this rainy night. I thought I would lose you forever and too early. I wasn't suited to be a mother, I was too little to face the world and protect you. She was right, I was and remain a scaredy cat. I'm sorry for not looking at the things that brought a smile to you, for failing to see how you wanted to help instead of undoing my efforts.
I'm sorry for not understanding that you were already growing up.
Before I knew it, a stone wall had risen between us. Again, I saw nothing. And then you grew so tall that people – your friends I believe – mistook us for something else. A sister ? A sweetheart ? And one day, perhaps, I would have been mistaken for your daughter. You never told them a single word about me, you never said what I wished to be : a mother.
I was so naive.
Yes, Ariel. You scared me that night. You hadn't been yourself for a long time. Beyond the smell of alcohol, beyond the anger and your actions…You were sad to know what I truly was and you felt useless, is that what you said to Lang ? I wish I could have held you in my arms as you ran away. When did you stop asking for a goodnight kiss ? Finally, you came to me and I pushed you away. I was terrified.
Your dream came true, and my part of our promise was broken. I let you go.
So you became a man, a soldier. I don't know what blood your blade spilled or what blows your shield protected you from. Has my absence broken your part of our promise ? Yes, you fought to protect your family. But not for me, for them. Dita and your daughter.
What is it to be a son ? What is it to be a mother ? You spoke the word I awaited, though the meaning could have been different for us both.