Chapter Text
Shane typed it out and deleted it a few times over before he got back to his room. He didn’t know what to say. He knew what he wanted to say. After countless hookups and time together with Ilya. He knew something about this one was different. Was Ilya mad at him? Did he do something wrong?
Maybe he was wrong about the whole thing. Maybe he didn’t mean anything to Ilya. They haven’t talked in six months and now they hooked up again and it was different. They didn’t even kiss and Shane was leaving the hotel. They had their usual routine. There was never anything different. Until tonight, Shane even tried to hint at it that he was leaving. But Ilya didn’t call him over and he didn’t come from the room. There was no kiss.
Shane wasn’t the type of guy to just sleep around so when he lost his virginity to Ilya he didn’t think anything of it. They were fooling around and then they finally went all the way and nothing was supposed to change. Until it did.
Now without a kiss, Shane was heading back down the elevator a bit confused. He re-typed his message again.
No kiss?
He didn’t even let it sit for a second before he started deleting the unsent message. He pockets his phone and waits for the elevator to open. The moment that he does he heads straight for his room. He doesn’t know what’s happening or why he feels like this. It’s like he can feel his heart actually aching.
This was not what it was supposed to be. Ilya was supposed to just be a hookup. Nothing more. There was no chance of him having anything with Ilya. They agreed to all of that when they started. So why did he feel so damn bad now? Why did he feel so used?
The moment he gets to the door he searches his pockets for his key card. Once he finally finds it he holds it to the reader and tries to open the door. Nothing. He tries again and the sensor flashes red and he tries the door again. The handle locks and doesn’t turn. Shane can feel the panic rising in his chest.
The door opens and Hayden is there. He furrows his brow. “You alright?”
“Uh, yeah.” Shane forces a smile. He can’t see it and he already knows Hayden will see through it. His vision blurs and he forces a chuckle. “Yeah, uh, k-key card won’t work.” He steps into their hotel room.
“Shane?” Hayden questions, Shane hears the door close.
“I’m just gonna shower.” Shane mutters. “I’m fine.”
“Shane?”
“I said I’m fine.” Shane repeats hastily.
He gets into their bathroom and shuts the door. Leaning on the bathroom door he can see the reflection. Something looks different. The person looking back at him doesn’t look like himself. He doesn’t know this person looking at him. The red glossy eyes, from both the vodka he drank with Ilya and trying to hold back tears. His hair is a mess, his shirt wrinkled from the day, his tie undone.
He starts undressing, avoiding looking at the stranger in the mirror. Folding his clothes nicely on the counter he gets in the shower. Wanting to wash off the evidence from the night. Every thought raced. Was Ilya angry with him about something? Did he do something wrong?
He knew the awards were a big deal. But Ilya had won, he’d also won the cup. There was nothing Shane did wrong, right? But that didn’t keep him from running through every single interaction they had. Trying to figure out if there was something wrong. But there shouldn’t be. It wasn’t like they were exclusive. They couldn’t be. Not ever.
By the time he’s drying himself off he realizes he rushed in so quickly that he forgot to bring in some clean clothes. He sighs and wraps the towel around his waist and takes his stack of clothes back out. He can feel Hayden’s eyes following him as he goes to his bag, he tries to ignore him while he grabs out some pajamas to wear.
“You alright?” Hayden asks, breaking the silence.
Shane nods while he looks through his clothes he packed. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” Hayden says.
“I said I’m fine!” Shane snaps. He looks at Hayden who looks taken back by the outburst. Shane knows that he shouldn’t be taking things out on Hayden. He sighs and closes his bag. “I’m sorry, I’m fine.”
He takes his clothes back to the bathroom to get changed. His mind is still racing, he doesn’t need to be thinking of this. He doesn’t need to worry about it. It was just a hookup, there’s nothing different about it. There can’t be. He cannot be catching feelings for Ilya. The fact that they didn’t kiss shouldn’t bother him.
Once he’s changed and his teeth are brushed, trying to get the taste of the vodka out of his mouth. He goes back to his bed and crawls into the comfort of the sheets. He tries to push the night out of his mind but he can’t stop the thoughts. Everything is too much, it’s all too much.
He has no clue what to do with this feeling in the pit of his stomach. The fact that they didn’t talk much or kiss, it shouldn’t bother him. It meant nothing. The low volume of the TV is all he hears, his eyes closed. But even with closing his eyes he can see the brightness through his eyelids. He just wants everything to shut off. He needs silence. He curls in on himself and he’s hoping that Hayden just thinks that he’s sleeping.
“Shane?” Hayden’s voice startles him. His eyes open and he can see Hayden crouching in front of him looking concerned. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“What?” Shane croaks. His voice feels heavy. He reaches up and touches his face. It’s wet. He is crying, why is he crying? He props himself on his elbow and looks up.
“Did something happen?” Hayden asks. Shane just shakes his head. He lays back down staring at the ceiling. “Your girl broke up with you or something?” Shane shakes his head again.
But for all he knows that’s what happened. Not a girl. But did Ilya break up with him? Is this his way of breaking things off? No, no, they couldn’t have broken up. They weren’t together to begin with. It’s just Shane and his stupid feelings. It had to be the sex, maybe that was it.
Sex was so intimate. You had to have at least some trust that your partner would look out for you. That you’d also stop if your partner said to. There was a whole new level to having sex with someone. Something that Shane had never experienced before. He didn’t know what else to do with this. It just had to be in his head. It was just sex with Ilya. Nothing was going to change that. There’s no way he could get anymore out of that relationship.
He needed to move on but here he was. Crying over the boy that may or may not have just broken his heart. He can’t even talk to Hayden about it. No one could know. But he feels like he’s going to burst. Although the tears may have already done that.
“Shane, what’s wrong? Should I call your mom?” Hayden asks. Shane shakes his head again. Why can’t he get the words out? “Come on, man. You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”
Shane finally sits up, he pulls his knees to his chest and he doesn’t know what to do. Does he tell Hayden? Does he spill their secret for the sake of Hayden to stop freaking out? How does he even start to talk about that? He sits there, with the racing thoughts and Hayden sits on the edge of the bed.
“What’s wrong?” Hayden asks again. Shane has no clue what to do.
The thoughts are racing and Shane doesn’t know where the thought goes that processes what he’s about to say. It’s like there’s no filter.
“I slept with someone.” Shane blurts out.
“Okay? Cool. What happened? You didn’t want her or something? You gotta talk, man.” Hayden sighs.
“Uh…no…nothing like that.” Shane mutters. He can feel the tears falling and he hates it. He hates how everything is so jumbled in his brain. He groans. “It’s a guy, I slept with a guy.” He blurts out. The silence following was piercing.
“Oh.” Hayden mutters. “A guy?” Shane nods, he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s waiting for Hayden to yell. Waiting to be told how wrong and gross it is. Waiting for him to run off to tell everyone. “Did he hurt you?”
“What?” Shane looks at Hayden, the shock evident in his voice. He was expecting Hayden to get angry. It sounds like Hayden is, but he’s not angry at Shane.
“Did this fucker hurt you?” Hayden asks more sternly. It’s a bit amusing since Hayden isn’t the strongest guy. “Who is he? Where is he?” Hayden stands up like he’s ready to go toe to toe with whoever it is. Shane’s jaw drops, there’s no way Hayden could take on Ilya. “Come on, who is it?”
“Hayden–”
“No, give me a name. You never cry. Who the fuck made you cry?” Hayden demands.
“No, Hayden, it’s fi–”
“Don’t say it’s fine.” Hayden interrupts. “What the hell happened if he didn’t hurt you?”
Shane sighs and he hangs his head. “It’s nothing, I’m just being dumb.”
“Don’t make me hit you.” Hayden warns. Shane looks up and he’s never seen such a determined look on Hayden’s face. “What the fuck happened?” Hayden demands. Shane just stares at him. Hayden’s never yelled at him like this. “Now, or I will call your mother.”
“No you wouldn’t.” Shane tries, but he knows Hayden probably would.
“Try me.” Hayden crosses his arms. After a moment he raises his eyebrows.
“It’s nothing.” Shand sighs. He hugs his legs again. “We’ve just been hooking up. But, I don’t know, tonight he didn’t even kiss me goodbye.”
“He just kicked you out?” Hayden asks.
“No, not really.” Shane sighs. “He just said he was going to bed. It’s nothing.”
“Well, did you want a kiss?” Hayden asks. Shane nods. He can feel more tears and he buries his face into his arms. “Where’s he staying?” Shane doesn’t answer. “Where?” Hayden raises his voice. “Shane I swear to god, I will go to every room. Who was it and where is he?”
“It’s Ilya!” Shane cries. “Penthouse.” Shane manages to mutter. He can’t take the aching in his chest. There’s no way that he’s stuck worrying about a boy. Much less that boy being his arch rival. He knows the silence is Hayden judging him. It has to be. He can’t even bring himself to look at Hayden. He’s going to hate him.
He curls up, enjoying the new silence. That’s when it hits him. Why was there silence? He peers over the blankets and he doesn’t see Hayden. The bathroom door is still open, the lights off. Hayden must’ve left and Shane didn’t notice. The ache in his chest was getting worse again and he curled up in the sheets again. He was already crying, there’s no point in trying to hide it anymore.
It shouldn’t hurt this much. He should be fine. He was fine every other time. Not getting a kiss is not the end of the world. Now even worse, Hayden knew and he stormed out. He probably hates Shane for this. For lying. For everything. It’s so dumb and he shouldn’t be so upset over a boy. He was just a guy.
So why did it hurt so much?
It feels like an eternity while he lets the sobs wreck through his body. His lungs are screaming for air. It’s an ache he’s never felt before. But it makes it worse. His mind is both racing and blank. There’s no way one boy could make him feel all this. Ilya just didn’t kiss him, that’s it. It’s nothing significant because all they are with each other is a quick fuck. That’s all it was and that’s all it could be.
His thoughts jump back to Hayden, how he’s probably calling Jackie to tell her. Probably going to tell the team. Shane messed everything up today. He should’ve just been fine. Nothing could have prepared him for outing himself.
“I said get in there!” Hayden’s muffled voice yells. Shane peeks up and the door swings open, Shane sits up.
“Fuck you, Pike.” Ilya snaps. He sees Hayden shove Ilya in and Ilya humours him by stumbling. Shane quickly starts wiping his cheeks trying to hide the tears.
“I said, fix it.” Hayden demands. Shane peers up, he can see the blurry vision signalling more tears are coming. He looks away and hugs his knees again.
“Hollander.” Ilya says.
“Fuck off.” Shane mutters. He angrily wipes another tear that starts falling down his cheeks. He feels the mattress bear Ilya’s weight and Shane slowly peers up.
“What is wrong?” Ilya asks. His tone was the usual stern tone he always heard. Shane sniffles and Ilya reaches out, wiping away a tear from Shane’s cheek. Shane finds himself leaning into the touch. Fuck, he was too needy. He pulls back and looks away again. “Why are you crying?”
“Never mind.” Shane mutters. “Just go.”
“No.” Ilya says.
“Go!” Shane yells. He looks up and Hayden looks like he’s ready to jump in. If Shane wasn’t so upset he would find it amusing to see Hayden try to take on Ilya.
“No!” Ilya matches Shane’s tone.
Shane angrily wipes the tears again. He looks up and he can feel the mix of emotions all channel into anger. “You know what you did!”
“Yes.” Ilya mutters. “And I read minds.”
“Asshole.” Shane mutters.
“What did I do?” Ilya asks. Shane doesn’t look at him. But when he feels Ilya’s hand on his arm he flinches away, as if Ilya just burned him. “What?”
“You know!” Shane yells again. He can’t seem to process any other words. It’s a miracle that he was speaking at all.
“I don’t!” Ilya shrugs. “What did I do?”
“You didn’t kiss me!” Shane yells. Ilya freezes and Hayden walks across the room to the chair. It’s about as much privacy as he could give them short of leaving. The silence is palpable. “You just fucked me and sent me off. We didn’t even kiss.”
“You want kiss.” Ilya says.
“Not anymore.” Shane huffs. He hugs his legs again and looks away. “Just go.”
He can feel the mattress shift again and he peers over to see Ilya standing up. He looks up and Ilya moves to the other side of the bed. Shane looks away and he feels Ilya’s hand on his shoulder, crossing his back to his other shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” Ilya says. Shane doesn’t look at him, he peers up to where Hayden is watching the TV. Ilya rubs Shane’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
Shane closes his eyes and he can feel himself being pulled closer. He wants to hate Ilya. He wants to push him away and call him an asshole for doing this to him. For making him the kind of guy to cry over another guy. To yell at him for making him out himself to Hayden. Instead he lets himself be pulled into Ilya’s arms. Strong and warm. Safe.
Ilya leans back holding Shane and Shane nuzzles into Ilya’s chest. He inhales, smelling the familiar mix of Ilya’s cologne, cigarette smoke and vodka. The usual night out for Ilya. He grimaces to himself, angry that he’s letting himself let Ilya back in. But he hugs Ilya. Craving that touch.
“Am sorry.” Ilya says as he holds Shane close. Stroking his hair back.
“You just made me leave.” Shane cries. He hates how needy his voice is. He hates being this kind of guy.
“I know.” Ilya says. He holds onto Shane. The pressure from the hug made it a little easier for Shane to breathe. “I know. I am sorry.” Shane sniffles and he slowly lifts his head to look at Ilya. “Was not you.” Ilya says. “Was me.”
“Why?” Shane mutters. His voice cracked from all the crying. He can’t muster up the courage for anything more than that.
Ilya says something in Russian and Shane raises both eyebrows, silently asking what that meant. “Is how you say..” He stops to think. Shane tries to hold his patience. “How you say…not sad.”
“You’re sad?” Shane asks.
“No, but yes.” Ilya sighs. Shane can see him getting frustrated with his English. Shane tries to think but his brain is still foggy from the crying.
“Depression.” Hayden groans.
“Fuck you, Pike.” Ilya yells.
“Just sayin’” Hayden mutters.
“Is that it?” Shane asks. “Depression? Like being sad without a reason?”
“Yes, probably.” Ilya mutters. “Am sorry.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Shane asks. His voice sounds so rough.
“Not your problem.” Ilya says.
“Sort of is.” Hayden says.
“Okay that’s it.” Ilya tries to get up and Shane grabs him.
“No, don’t.” Shane rushes. Ilya looks at him. Shane closes his eyes and takes a long breath. He doesn’t want to admit it. “Don’t leave me again.”
Ilya seems to take this advice and he sits back down, wrapping his arms around Shane. Shane curls up and it never occurred to him that not only did they not kiss. They didn’t cuddle. They didn’t do anything but drink that god awful vodka.
He’s not sure how long time passes, but he’s calmed down now. The tears dried on his face, probably leaving streaks stained. He feels Ilya’s finger under his chin and he slowly looks up. Ilya leans in and Shane welcomes the kiss like he needs air.
This was what he wanted. This connection of feeling Ilya’s lips on his own. Feeling Ilya’s tongue brush against his lips and he opens his mouth welcoming the intrusion. Letting their tongues move together. Tasting that vodka again. But it’s okay, because it’s Ilya’s vodka.
When they break apart and Shane is practically laying on top of Ilya, needing to be close. As close as he possibly could get. Just being held. Feeling like he was wanted and not some quick fuck. Cared for.
This was when it clicked, Shane figured it out now that the fog began to clear. He was catching feelings. He was catching feelings for his regular hookup. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Whatever they were wasn’t supposed to turn into relationships with feelings. That was complicated and messy. But he couldn’t make himself let Ilya go. He hugs him and doesn’t ever want to let go. Maybe there was more to their casual hookups. But could Ilya be feeling it too?
Everything was feeling like too much again. He nuzzles in and tries to push the thoughts away. He didn’t want to deal with the feelings. He just wanted Ilya. He has Ilya and that’s all he needs. He’s a bit mortified that Hayden found out this way. But it was nice to tell Ilya why he was feeling upset. His eyes burn from the tears and his throat is dry. He can feel Ilya’s breathing even out, his own eyes feeling heavy. He’d have to talk with Hayden when he woke up. But for now, he got his kiss and he has Ilya. He feels better, although he’d have to deal with the whole issue of the feelings later. It was just a kiss.