Chapter Text
Trinity was exhausted. She was switching between day and night shifts every week. And she had noticed Robby's growing concern. But Robby was easy to ignore, especially since she skipped both the monthly dinner and her biweekly check in. Jack, standing in the doorway to her room, was not. She groaned, barely refraining from slamming the door in his face.
“Can I come in?” Jack questioned quietly, studying the young woman they were watching unravel.
She hesitated before taking a step back and letting him enter. Trinity relaxed a fraction when he didn't close the door all the way. “Abbott-”
“Jack.” He interrupted firmly, moving her desk chair before sitting in it. “You missed your check in with us. I have time, so we can do it now.” They had honestly thought that she might respond better to him. He loved his partner and Mike was great with their young residents. But he didn't think Trinity needed his partner right now. She didn't need soft, she needed firm. Mike could do firm but he was more likely to give in. Jack would not give in.
“I'm good.” She shrugged, sitting on the side of her bed furthest from him.
“We value honesty here, remember? When was the last time you had at least six hours of sleep?” Jack was pretty sure he knew the answer to that. The fact that she would no longer look at him spoke volumes.
“I sleep.” She argued quietly. She did sleep. Not quite as much as she should, but she did sleep.
Jack raised an eyebrow, studying her for a moment. “How have your shifts been going?”
Trinity shrugged, digging her nails into her hand. “Fine.”
“Okay. You don't have to talk to me, Trinity. We can just sit here for a moment.” Jack sighed softly, shaking his head. This wasn't his first rodeo. Some of their former residents had taken a while to open up to them, had fought check ins tooth and nail.
She fidgeted with her hands, not looking up at him. The quiet wasn't as awkward as she thought it would be. “I like working nights.” Trinity admitted after several minutes.
Jack hummed in encouragement, rewarded when she stopped digging crescents in her hands. He stayed quiet, giving her a chance to think.
“It's freer. Less judgement.” Trinity added quietly, lifting her head up to look at him. “Please don't take me off nights.”
“If you are sleeping and eating like you are supposed to, we won't. However, I would prefer it if you stay strictly on nights for a while. Give me a month of just nights and then we will reevaluate.” He wasn't surprised she preferred nights. Jack had always preferred nights, the darkness was comforting.
“So I don't have to check in for a month?” Trinity wasn't hopeful that he would let her get away with that. She had actually read the housing agreement, after all.
“Absolutely not. You missed both the biweekly check in and monthly dinner. You and I will be meeting every week for the next month. It's not optional, Trinity.” Jack ignored the eyeroll, checking the time. He was going to make them a quick lunch before they had to leave for shift. “You are not going to skip these meetings.”
“Or what?!” She shouldn't have snapped. The look Jack gave her told her that.
“Or we go from weekly check ins to daily check ins.” Jack answered quietly, raising an eyebrow at the young woman. “You do not want to push this, Trinity.”
She heard the warning there and decided not to trample over it when she had an upcoming twelve hour shift with this man. Trinity looked away, ignoring her stomach when it growled.
“I'm going to make us some lunch before shift. Any preferences?” Jack added, standing stiffly. It was going to be a long night on a leg that already ached.
“I'm fine.” Trinity answered quickly, she didn't want him doing extra work because of her.
“Eating isn't an option. I'm making grilled cheese if you don't have a preference.” Jack studied her for a moment, moving to the still open door.
“That's fine.”
-c-
It was one in the morning and Jack was surveying his chaos children from a chair at central station. He needed to sit but that didn't mean he was going to take his eyes off his residents and young attendings. John was on his third or fourth large coffee, Parker was staring intensely at a chart, Luke looked half asleep, and Trinity…he wasn't actually sure where Trinity had disappeared to. “Anyone seen Santos?”
“North 12.” John answered before taking a gulp of his coffee. “I'm taking south 5. Ellis, central 11.”
“Absolutely not. I am not handling central 11 while you take the easiest case on the fucking board.” Parker argued immediately, glancing toward Abbott when he rolled his eyes.
“Take Luke with you, Ellis. He needs the practice. Shen, take south 5 and south 7. Check them, discharge them. And someone send Santos this way.” Jack ordered firmly, rubbing his thigh. He was going to sit for as long as he could and his night staff knew to leave him be, unless there was something they couldn't handle or a trauma came in.
“I put the discharge orders in for north 8 and North 12 is getting moved upstairs.” Trinity remarked, coming over to the main desk. Parker had told her to check in with Jack, just not in those words.
“Good girl. Eat a protein bar.” Jack ordered quietly, offering her one. It took a moment for her to take it.
“Incoming trauma, gsw to the abdomen three minutes out.” Lena called out studying Jack for a moment. She couldn't even convince him to take a tylenol for the pain.
“You're with me, kid.” Jack pushed himself to his feet, chuckling when Trinity all but shoved the protein bar into her mouth. “Chew. No one needs a choking doctor.”
She blushed but followed him. The fact that he was obviously limping surprised her. He was usually really good at hiding it, the fact that he wasn't told her that he was in pain. Trinity stayed close by to help in whatever way she was needed.
-c
It had been a long shift, they had finished almost two hours late and Jack knew there was still some charting to catch up, he hadn't been expecting one of his older residents to pull him aside before he could slip out the door. The fact that Parker had picked him didn't surprise him. Mike was trying to get the day shift moving. “This better be important, Parker.”
She scowled, glaring at her attending for a moment. Parker still did check ins with Jack, it was a hard habit to get out of even though she now had an apartment and two annoying roommates. She no longer lived under Jack and robbys roof. “Of course it's important. I have a concern about one of your residents.”
Jack was tired and in pain, so it took a moment for it to click. She didn't mean at the hospital, she meant at home. “Tell me.”
“Santos has scars all over her legs. I noticed it in the locker room.” If it had just been scars, Parker would have let it go. They all had scars. It was the healing scabs that made her concerned. Those were recent. They didn't need an ED resident spiraling.
“We all have scars.” Jack answered, raising an eyebrow at her. He was pretty sure it was more than just scars, if Parker was letting him know. She wasn't one to start rumors. “I will talk to her.” That was a conversation that Jack was going to have to do carefully.
-c-
It had been a disastrous shift. Trinity was exhausted and she still had charting to finish before heading home and an hour left on her shift. Which was exactly why she was sitting on the roof, watching the sun come up.
“Hey kid. I need you for an incoming trauma.” Jack had been watching the young woman closely for the last week and had planned to talk to her at her next check in. He had a feeling he was going to talk to her after shift today. This had been a rough one.
“Can't Shen do it? Or Ellis?” Trinity sighed, pushing herself to her feet and moving back to the door. “Eta?”
“Both Parker and John are trying to clear out patients. Eta is ten minutes. Pedestrian versus truck.” Jack stated, leading the way back down the stairs. He had known she would want to do it.
Hopefully this wouldn't be a bad one. Trinity needed a win today.
It took a while to get the man stable but once he was headed up to surgery, Trinity shed her gown and made a beeline to central station. She needed to get her charts updated so she could handover to day shift. And then she was going home to sleep.
“Good work in there, Dr. Santos.” Jack leaned against the desk, glancing up from his tablet to study her. “It was a rough night but you pulled through.” Losing a child was always rough but watching his residents struggle because they related to that child always hit him hard. He needed to check in with his own therapist but it would have to wait.
-c-
Jack was irritated. He had scheduled Trinity's check ins for their day off, in the afternoon. Which didn't explain why she missed the check in and wasn't even home. He knew she hadn't forgotten, he had sent her a reminder about it and everything. He sent her a text before sighing softly. He was going to go start on dinner for him and mike. She would have to come home eventually.
Trinity swore, reading the text again. She had forgotten to tell Jack she had picked up a shift. Shit.
“You good?” Samira questioned, glancing at the chart trinity had been reading. There wasn't anything on it that would cause her to react like that
“I didn't tell Abbott that I picked up a shift and I missed my check in appointment.” Trinity groaned, shaking her head. “It's fine, he's just going to be annoying about it.”
“Text him and tell him. Otherwise he's going to make you do weekly check-ins.” Samira raised an eyebrow at the grimace. “How many check-ins have you missed, Trin?”
“This is two.”
“Damn. Okay change of plans. Call Abbott and tell him you forgot and picked up a shift. You do not want daily check ins. They suck.” Samira had never missed check in but she had been on daily check ins for a while last year for other reasons. She was pretty sure everyone in their family had been at some point.
“You've had daily check ins?” Trinity tried not to sound scandalized. She couldn't imagine Samira skipping check ins. Samira was perfect.
“Not for the same reason but yes. A lot of us end up there eventually.” Samira shrugged, nodding to Trinity's phone. “Seriously, call Jack.”
-c-
Jack knocked softly, mindful that most of the house was sleeping or studying. He raised an eyebrow when Trinity opened the door, surveying her for a moment. “May I come in?” The fact that she had already stepped back and moved to sit didn't surprise him. They needed to have this conversation and Jack was a realist, this wouldn't be the last time. He left the door cracked so she wouldn't feel trapped, before sitting on her desk chair again.
“I'm sorry. I forgot I picked up a shift.” She apologized quickly, before he could say anything. Trinity had called Jack, so she knew this conversation was coming.
“While I appreciate that, we just talked about you only working nights for a while. I didn't approve this shift and I know Robby didn't.” Jack had already spoken to Mike about it. There was no sign off on this shift, Mike hadn't even known Trinity was working until she showed up.
“I forgot. It won't happen again.” She was exhausted and Trinity really just wanted to go to sleep. She tried to hide a yawn, groaning when he chuckled.
“Alright kiddo, we will finish this tomorrow. Get some sleep.” Jack stood, reaching out to pat her shoulder before stopping himself at the flinch. “No skipping tomorrow, you hear?”
She gave a fake salute, dropping her head to her hands when he shut her door with a soft clink. These men were going to be the death of her.
-c-
Jack glanced up at the knock to the office door. At least Trinity had listened this time. “Come in.”
She sighed softly, letting herself into the office. “See? I didn't skip.” Trinity quipped, sinking into the chair he pointed to.
Jack hummed softly, sliding a folder over to her. “We can get your REBOA published in the emergency medical journal if you like. I'll sign on to it.”
“You think it's good enough?" Trinity sat up straighter, studying him for a long moment. She had been pissed when he made her write it up but it had actually been good for her.
“It is. I made some comments in the margins. If you fix those and I sign on to it, they will absolutely publish it. We just make it seem like you had supervision for the procedure.” Jack nodded to the file, leaning back when she picked it up and started glancing at it. “How you doing, Trin?”
“I'm fine.” Trinity shrugged, reading through the notes. These were easy fixes, it wouldn't take her long to finish it.
“Still prefer nights?” Jack raised an eyebrow at the shrug, sighing softly. “Check-ins only work if you participate in them, Trinity.”
“We could just skip them then.” Trinity shrugged, glancing up to study his face. Nothing seemed to bother Jack, she couldn't tell what he was thinking based on his expressions
“Not happening kid. Do you know why we do check-ins?” Jack questioned after a moment. He could just see the war behind her eyes. She still didn't trust them enough to be unguarded.
“I'll take micromanagement for 200.” Trinity quipped, blinking when he laughed.
He had figured one of the older residents would have filled her in by now. “Not quite. It's a safety measure, a way to prevent burnout. We can't help if we don't know.” Jack sighed softly, studying her. “It's okay to need help.”
“I don't need help, I'm not going to burn out. Are we done?” Trinity rolled her eyes, picking up the folder.
“We can be. I would like for you to talk to someone, Trinity. You don't have to talk to me or Mike. I have a list of therapists I can give you.” Jack stated quietly, meeting her eyes until she looked away. “You don't have to right now but I think it will be good for you.”
“I'm good.”
-c-
Sitting on the roof after a hard case was becoming her new normal. Trinity knew it was almost shift change, she hadn’t been up there long, and she wasn’t quite sure she was ready to go back down. She knew she needed to head down to help with the handover but she just couldn't right now. She bit back a sigh when she heard the roof door open, not looking away from the skyline but she did run her hand over her face to get rid of tear tracks.
“You good, kiddo?” Robby called quietly, moving to sit beside her. Jack had guessed she was up here but they were hoping a change in tactics might help. “Little cold out here.” Hard cases shouldn’t immediately send her to the roof. Both Jack and him had specific cases that drove them up here and they always let each other know that they were up there; they just needed to help her find her triggers and a better way to cope with it.
Trinity shrugged, glancing at the man who was sitting on the ground beside her. She had been ignoring the cold, honestly.
“You want to talk about it?” Robby inquired quietly.
She shook her head, keeping her eyes on the rising sun. “I’m fine.” Trinity didn’t even sound fine to herself. She swiped at her face again, trying to ignore the shaking in her hands.
“No you’re not.” Robby knew there wasn’t much he could do if she didn’t want to talk to him but he wasn’t going to let her keep lying to herself and them. “You’re crying, Trinity. And that’s okay, it’s okay to cry. But you aren’t fine.”
She took a deep breath, she needed to keep the tears inside. If she started sobbing, she would never stop. “It’s not. I just needed a minute, I’m fine. Promise. I could even work a double.”
Robby studied her for a long moment before slowly extending an arm so she could lean into his side if she chose to. “You can have a minute. I’m not going anywhere.” He kept his body language relaxed, catching her eyes when she glanced at him.
She couldn’t lean into the safety he was offering. Trinity knew that, she knew she would break if she did. But that didn’t make it less enticing. She had watched Victoria, Mel, and Samira all seek comfort from their two attendings at home, she knew they were safe. It didn’t even matter if they weren’t at home. “It was just a hard case.”
“Yeah? You want to walk me through it?” Robby didn’t move, raising an eyebrow when she slid an inch closer to him but still far enough away to escape.
“7 year old girl brought in with bruising by cps. Apparently she had just been returned to the home and- shit.” Trinity took a shuddered breath, rubbing at her eyes for a moment. “I can’t.”
“Hey, that’s okay. Is it okay if I touch your shoulder?” Robby questioned, taking the rapid nod as answer. He settled a hand on her shoulder, ignoring the flinch. “That little girl is safe here and so are you.”
Trinity tried to slow her breathing back down but now that she was thinking of that little girl she couldn't stop. She gasped out a sob, covering her face with her hands.
Robby kept his hand on her shoulder, knowing she needed the contact. “You're safe now. I got you.” As much as he wanted to wrap her up in a hug and hold her, he didn't. They did this at her pace or she would bolt and he knew that. Trinity wasn't the first traumatized resident they had had.
“Sorry.” Trinity gasped out, pressing the palm of her hands into her eyes to try to make the tears stop.
“Do not apologize for being human, Trinity.” Robby shook his head, squeezing her shoulder. The fact that she slid closer to him didn't surprise him. “Is it okay if I put my arm around you?”
Trinity nodded, shifting closer when Robby moved his arm around her shoulder. She was still crying, but not heaving sobs anymore. She had given up on forcing herself to calm down and just settled on crying.
Robby didn't bother glancing behind him when the door to the roof opened. He knew who it was. They had been gone long enough for Jack to come up to them. “Jack is going to take you home, Trinity. Is that okay?”
She nodded slowly, not looking at either man. Jack had come to stand near them, within her line of sight. It didn't escape her that Robby was asking her for permission before he did anything. Trinity took a deep breath, rubbing at her eyes again. She couldn't hide the fact she had been crying and that was going to suck going into the staff lounge.
“Hey kiddo. I brought some wet wipes, if you want to wash your face.” Jack stated softly, crouching a little so he wasn't towering over her. He took the rapid nod as answer, handing over the travel pack.
Trinity took another deep breath before pulling away from the arm on her shoulder. She immediately missed the warmth and she wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. She stood slowly, biting back a giggle when Jack helped a groaning Robby to his feet. She wasn't sure if she wanted to go home and be alone right now. “I can still work.”
“Our shift is over and Mike's got the day shift under control. Let's go home, kid.” Jack exchanged looks with Michael before nodding. He was definitely taking her back to their apartment. She could sleep in the guest room or on the couch, but he wasn't leaving her alone right now. But that was going to be a fight for later. Right now he just had to convince her to go home with him. “Come on, I'll make pancakes.”
Trinity groaned softly, she wasn't getting out of this, slowly following the two attendings inside. She still wasn't sure she wanted to be alone with herself.
Getting her in the car hadn't been as hard as Jack had thought it would be. He was pretty sure getting her into their apartment would be harder. But the kid was also exhausted, the bone weary kind of exhausted the just zaps everything out of a person. He glanced over at her when he pulled out of the hospital parking lot. She had folded in on herself. “I want you to come to our apartment for a bit. I don't feel great about you being in the house by yourself right now.”
Trinity didn't respond, wrapping her arms around herself. As much as she wanted to argue that she was fine, she couldn't. She knew if she closed her eyes she would still see that little girl's eyes. She didn't want to.
Jack knew dissociation when he saw it and he let her stay in it until he pulled into the driveway. He knew it was her brain trying to keep her safe. He turned the car off, turning to face her. “I'm going to come around the car and help you. Can you take your seatbelt off, Trinity?” The lack of response bothered him but he pushed that away, moving around the car and opening her door. When she made no move to remove her seatbelt, he carefully leaned in and unhooked it. “I'm going to touch your elbow, Trinity. I need you to stand for me.”
She moved on autopilot, letting him guide her out of the car and toward the entrance to the connected apartment. Trinity dug her nails into her arms, trying to force her brain to come back to itself.
Jack unlocked the front door, using the hand on her elbow to guide her into the apartment and steer her to the couch. He deposited her there, settling a weighted blanket over her lap before moving to the kitchen to grab an ice cube.
She blinked rapidly, eyes snapping to the cold cube touching her hand.
“You are dissociation, Trinity. Focus on my voice, please. You are in mine and Robby's apartment, on the couch. I'm holding a piece of ice to your hand. There is a weighted blanket on your lap. Can you take this piece of ice and hold it for me?” Jack guided firmly, watching recognition come back to her eyes.
She wrapped her hand around the piece of ice, shuddering at the cold. “Ice. Jack. TV. Ugly painting. Carpet.” Trinity whispered, grimacing at the sound of her own voice. It sounded like she had spent hours sobbing.
He raised an eyebrow before nodding. Jack knew that therapy technique well although he would argue that that painting wasn't ugly.“Four things you can hear?”
“Washer, Jack, heat vent, refrigerator.” She answered, still quiet. It was a bit embarrassing to have to ground herself in front of him.
“Three things you can smell?”
“Pasta? Cinnamon and pine.” Trinity was much more sure of the last two. Because why did their apartment smell like pasta at 8 am?
“Mike was probably prepping meals again. Two things you can feel?” Jack was going to ignore the taste one, since she seemed back with him.
“Ice and blanket.” She whispered, glancing at him before immediately looking away. “Sorry.”
“You do not have to apologize for this, Trinity. You are allowed to not be okay. We have all dissociated before. You are stuck with me today, however. I'm going to make us some breakfast, alright?” Jack studied her for a moment, taking her nod for what it was before moving into their small kitchen. His goal was to get them fed, get her to sleep a little, and then talk. Because he wasn't going to let her do this suffering in silence anymore. And they were mandating therapy as her attendings.
Trinity pulled the weighted blanket up to her chest, closing her eyes for a moment. She didn't realize she had dozed off until she heard Jack calling her from the kitchen.
“Do you want to eat at the table or on the couch, kiddo? Eating isn't an option.” Jack took the lack of answer as an answer, making her a plate of pancakes and bringing it and the syrup into the living room.
The fact that she managed to eat at all, surprised her. Trinity blinked when Jack took her empty plate, fighting back a yawn. She still felt a bit floaty and she knew if she thought about it long enough, she would start crying
again.
“Lie down kiddo.”Jack instructed, coming back into the room with an extra pillow. He tossed it on the couch before grabbing two blankets from the basket. He draped a blanket over her before settling in the recliner with his own blanket. It didn't surprise him that she fell asleep quickly, she was exhausted. He picked up his phone to text Mike before popping his leg off and leaning back to take a nap.
-c-
Trinity fiddled with the weighted blanket on her lap, not looking at the man sitting beside her on the couch. They had both slept for a few hours but now he wanted to talk to her and she didn't particularly want to talk. “I'm fine, Jack.”
He hummed softly, studying her for a moment before carefully resting his arm on the back of the couch, so she could lean into him if she chose. “You don't have to be. We all have cases that affect us hard. For me, it's veterans.”
She glanced at him, hesitating for a moment. “All veterans?” It wasn't all children for Trinity, although all of the child deaths were hard for her.
“At first, it was all veterans we couldn't save.” Jack studied his hands for a moment before looking at her. “Now it’s mostly just veteran suicides. But I have healthy coping mechanisms to help when I'm struggling.”
“I cope.” She whispered, grimacing when he sighed. “Losing children.. I struggle with it.” Trinity added finally, hesitating for a moment before sliding closer to him. She still didn't lean into him, she didn't want to break down crying again.
They hadn't lost a child last night but Jack would take anything he could get right now. “I struggle the most when I relate to the person I'm treating.”
“Yeah.” Trinity knew she needed to go back to her room. They weren't on shift tonight and the others would be home soon. She knew Robby would want his apartment back. But she still didn't want to be alone. “Every time I close my eyes, I see her eyes. And I just want it to stop.” She dug her nails into her wrist, flinching when a hand touched hers.
“I'm sorry, Trin, I should have asked first. I can't have you harming yourself, okay?” Jack soothed quickly, having immediately removed his hand. He had reacted instinctively, just as he would have to one of their other residents or to Mike.
“I wasn't! It's not- it helps!” Trinity defended, wrapping her arms around her stomach.
He hated that she was trying to make herself smaller but Jack also knew they weren't getting anywhere on the front right now. “Okay, it's okay kiddo. I won't touch you again without consent.”
She blinked, staring at him for a long moment before slowly unfolding her arms. Most people told her she was overreacting when she flinched away from touch. No one had ever told her they would ask first before. But these two men did constantly, always checking before touching her or crowding her. “Thank you. No one has ever- thanks.” Trinity whispered after a moment. She slid closer without thinking about it, hesitating for a moment.
“Can I hold you, kiddo?” Jack after several minutes of silence. He absolutely hated that no one had ever asked for her consent before, it made him angry, but he hid it. That was something to talk to his husband or therapist, probably both, about. Not the hurting young woman who clearly wanted comfort but was afraid to ask.
She nodded rapidly, trying not to flinch when he moved his arm from the back of the couch to around her. Trinity leaned into his side, resting her head on his shoulder. She still wanted to scream or cry but it was getting a little quieter in her head.
-c-
Robby entered their apartment quietly, moving immediately to the bedroom to change. One of them would need to get Trinity a change of clothes, but it wasn't pressing right now. Right now, he was changing and putting dinner in the oven and then he would check on the two of them. He knew Jack had her and he knew that they were starting their days off. Jack was off tonight and tomorrow night, he was off the next two day shifts. Hopefully one of them would be able to get her to go to a therapy appointment.
Robby hesitated for a moment, before setting the hoodie he would normally wear around their residents down. HIs tank top would be fine for now. It took him a minute to throw the casserole dish he had made this morning into the oven before he moved into the living room.
Trinity blinked sleepily, lifting her head off of Jack's shoulder. He had turned on Love Island and they had been watching it for a while. She hadn't even noticed that Robby had come home. “I should go.”
“I would rather you stayed here tonight, Trinity. I would rather you weren't alone right now.” Jack answered firmly, raising an eyebrow at his husband. He ran his eyes over Mike on instinct, silently checking in to make sure he was okay.
“You're watching without me.” Michael complained, settling in the armchair. He knew things hadn’t exactly gone great but he also knew Jack had been taking it slowly with her. “Dinner is in the oven ”
“That's because you watched without me.” Jack rolled his eyes, glancing at the young woman again. She had relaxed back against him but she was also darting glances at Mike. “You can ask.” He added softly, catching her eyes when they flew to him. He knew exactly what she was trying not to stare at.
She bit her lip, staring at Robby's shoulders again. Trinity had just realized she had never seen him without long sleeves or a hoodie, even in the kitchen. Asking would be rude, she knew that. She would hate it if someone asked her. But she couldn't stop staring at the scars, some very old and one that was still pink, still new. She shook her head, but still didn't pull away from Jack.
Robby didn't think it was fair that Jack was getting Trinity cuddles, although he was aware of how many hours it had taken them to get to that point. “It's alright, Trin. You can ask if you want to but you don't have to.”
“Pittfest?” Trinity asked after several minutes of almost comfortable silence. The two sharp intakes of breath made her think she fucked up. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean- I'm sorry.”
“Trinity, it's okay. We wouldn't tell you that it was okay to ask if we were going to get upset when you did.” Jack soothed, glancing at his partner. Mike had closed his eyes and he could see the fight there but Jack knew if he gave him a minute he would be alright.
He hadn't expected her to ask that but it did pretty much cement it in his own mind that Parker was right, not that he really doubted her. Of course Trinity would notice the age of his scars, not just that he had scars. “Yes. Pittfest.” Robby tapped his newest scar, catching her eyes again.
“And you were okay with that?” Trinity had expected them to tell her to mind her own business, not for the humorless laugh Robby let loose.
“Oh he was upset.” Robby honestly thought that was the understatement of the century. Jack was devastated to come home and find that he had harmed himself again but they had made sure they had safeguards in place again and he had made an emergency appointment with his therapist. Robby was good now, they had been careful to not let this step back become what it had the last time. “But we worked through it and I haven't since.”
“Jack wasn't angry?” She didn't mean to look down at the layers of hidden scars on her legs but she had never met anyone who wasn't angry about it. Who didn't call her a dramatic, attention seeking girl. Trinity relaxed when the arm around her tightened, understanding that Jack wasn't even angry at her for asking.
“Of course I wasn't. Getting angry about it doesn't help. I was upset I wasn't there to support him but I wasn't angry. That's not something either of us would ever be angry about.” Jack answered firmly, catching Mike's eyes. He wanted her to feel safe enough to trust them.
That was just so different than anything she had ever experienced. Trinity flinched at the sudden beeping, glancing at Robby when he stood. The arm that squeezed her was comforting, at least.
“Dinner should be ready.” Robby hated that the fiery young woman they had at work was so skittish at home. It only took a minute for him to get the casserole on the table. “Come eat.”
Jack carefully removed his arm, moving to his feet before holding a hand out to trinity. It took the younger woman a moment before she took it and let him help her up. He guided her to the table before sitting beside her. They ate in silence for a while before he caught Mike's eyes. “We would prefer it if you spent the night in our guest room.”
“I'm fine.” She mumbled, picking at the chicken casserole. Trinity knew she probably shouldn't be alone but she didn't want to invade their space. And the others would be home now, so she technically wouldn't be alone.
“You dissociated twice today, Trinity. We can have one of the girls grab you a change of clothes and anything else you need but we would feel better if you were here with us.” Jack stated firmly, meeting her eyes until she looked away.
“I wouldn't be that far away!” She argued, setting her fork down. Dissociating was normal, it kept her safe. She would be fine.
“I would feel better if we knew you were safe. It's not a punishment Trinity, it's a precaution.” Robby added quietly, moving to put the left overs in the fridge.
“I won't even harm myself!” Trinity swore softly, closing her eyes when both men looked at her. She was fucked. She hadn't meant for that to come out. She just needed control. She dug her nails into her palms, stilling when Robby set a piece of ice in front of her.
“I hold ice when I'm struggling. It helps with the urges.” Michael took a breath when she picked up the ice, watching her for a moment before turning back to clean up the dishes.
“You aren't mad?” Trinity glanced between the two men, tightening her hold on the ice. But neither seemed surprised or angry. Just resigned to it, like they had known.
“Kiddo, Mike doesn't usually let just anyone see his scars.” Jack answered softly, resting his hand palm up on the table. “We would never be angry about something like this. That doesn't mean we like it or agree with it but getting upset doesn't help you at all. You are staying here tonight, we will reevaluate tomorrow afternoon.” He squeezed her hand when she rested it in his. He would have to convince her to at least let someone check any current wounds she had but that was not a battle for now.
“I- Samira.” If she wanted anyone in her room, it would be Samira. The older girl wouldn't nose through her things and Trinity had this feeling Samira would understand.
“Okay, text Samira a list of what you need. Is your room locked?” Jack expected the nod, catching Mike's eyes. One of them would need to let Samira into Trinity's room, they had keys for every room in case of an emergency.
-c-
Trinity had to wonder how much Samira knew. She had packed her a tote bag full. Last night she had been too tired to care and had just thrown on sleep shorts and a shirt. The fact that she had three changes of clothes including a set of scrubs surprised her.
She wasn't planning on being here after lunch. She just had to convince Jack and Robby that she was fine. The fact that Jack was notably absent when she walked into the kitchen, she could smell breakfast after all, wasn't helping.
“Morning Trin.” Robby gestured to the pot of coffee, turning back to the stove. He was making French toast and sausage, both which were nearly done. “Jack should be back soon.”
She settled down at the table with her coffee, hesitating for a moment. Trinity wanted to ask him something but it was personal. She thought it better to ask him alone, because Jack had looked so sad about it. “How do you cope without it?”
It honestly wasn't a surprising question and she wasn't the first of his residents to ask. She wasn't the first to cope with stress through self-harm. “Therapy helps me cope with my triggers. And I've learned ways to handle the stress. I learned techniques to stop the process before it starts, like using ice to redirect.” Robby answered quietly, plating the French toast and sausage. He was human, he had his moments when he slipped, like right after Pittfest. “I have to ask if you have any current wounds, Trinity.”
She had stopped for a while but Trinity had started struggling again and it helped her cope. She knew it wasn't healthy, knew she was a doctor and she shouldn't cope like that. But she had gotten to the point where she only really hurt herself after certain cases. The death of a child or severe abuse that she couldn't stop. “Yeah. But I treated them.”
“After breakfast, can you show them to one of us? Or if that makes you uncomfortable, to one of the older female residents.” Robby had expected the immediate silence but at least she hadn't shot him down yet. The subtle flinch when the front door opened bothered him.
Jack came into the kitchen, giving Mike a gentle kiss before turning to trinity. “Morning kiddo.” His appointment with his therapist had been useful. He now had a list of therapists that he hoped Trinity would try.
Trinity grunted, taking a bite of the French toast before digging in. She didn't want to show anyone her scars or the healing cuts on her legs. She figured she could argue it and they wouldn't force her but she honestly wasn't sure if she wanted to.
“This afternoon, I would like you to look over a list of therapists so we can get you an appointment.” Jack commented quietly, when it looked like she was done eating.
“I'm fine.”
“Trinity. You are not fine. You have been on the roof several times lately. You dissociated twice yesterday. We are mandating therapy as your attendings.” Jack answered firmly, expecting the glare he got in return.
“Robby!” She turned pleading eyes to the larger man, groaning when he chuckled.
Every resident without fail tried pitting them against each other. “That won't work, kiddo. We are a team. I'll help you sort through the therapists later.” Robby had a feeling he was going to get all the Trinity cuddles later. One of them would have to tell her that she was staying there until she went to her first therapy appointment, if not longer, and he was voting for Jack to do it.
Trinity knew that she wasn't going to be able to fight it if they were doing it as her attendings. She could probably go to Kiara but she really did not want a psych stay. “I hate therapy.”
“I don't think many people like it, kiddo. It's hard and emotional but it is necessary. We would prefer it if you stayed with us until you see a therapist, just so we know you are safe.” Jack sighed softly at the look she gave him, moving to clear the table. She could hate him all she wanted, as long as she was safe.
“Me or Jack or one of the older girls?” Robby questioned, ignoring the look his husband gave him. He had tabled it when Jack got home but he hadn't forgotten.
“Samira.” Trinity didn't want Mel to see it and she didn't want any of the older residents at the hospital knowing she was struggling. She didn't want to look weak.
“I'll go call her. She's not on shift but it might take her a bit to get here.” Robby nodded, grabbing his cell phone and moving to their bedroom. He would rather explain the situation to Samira in private than in front of Trinity. Samira is who he would have chosen, though.
-c-
“Bra and underwear, okay?” Samira had hated to make Trinity stop cuddling with Robby, she clearly needed it, but she also knew the men needed an answer. “It's nothing I haven't seen before.” The fact that the younger girl just sat on the guest bed with her arms around herself was heartbreaking. Samira had to keep herself from touching her.
“I'm fine.” Trinity mumbled, shaking her head. She didn't want anyone seeing all her scars.
Since Robby hadn't been wearing his usual hoodie, she knew Trinity knew about his scars. “I'm the one who found Robby after pittfest. I patched him up and stayed with him until Jack got home. I had known, obviously, but I had never seen the actual cuts on him.” Samira stated quietly, catching Trinity's eyes when they flew to her.
“You knew?”
“I stayed here for about two months during my R2 year. I crashed hard. Jack and Robby made sure I got back on my feet. I learned a lot more about them in those two months than I had my intern year.” Samira answered, studying the younger woman. She had a feeling Trinity was staying here for a while and she just didn't know it yet.
She took a deep breath, pulling her shirt over her head. The old scars on her stomach weren't bad, just old. Trinity didn't want to take her sweats off, she really didn't. But she knew she was just prolonging this. She also knew she was panicking.
“Hey, look at me. Match my breathing, okay.” Samira directed firmly, moving so they were on eye level. She breathed slowly, exaggerating it until Trinity started copying her. “Good. Keep breathing with me, Trin.”
“Sorry.” Trinity whispered once her panic had subsided.
“You don't have to apologize. How about this? I see no current wounds on your upper body, so you can put your shirt back on if you want. We take the rest of it at your pace.” Samira took a step back so she wasn't crowding her, nodding when the other girl immediately put her shirt back on. “I won't judge you for your scars, Trinity.”
Trinity took another deep breath before shimming her sweats down to her ankles. The soft intake of breath was the only reaction Samira gave away.
She surveyed the wounds for a moment, moving closer to see the worst of them. “ I need to grab some supplies. I'll be just a minute, okay?” The deepest, most recent ones needed stitches. The rest were in various stages of healing and should heal well on their own if she bandaged them.
“Don't leave me.” Trinity grimaced, expecting pity but Samira just nodded.
“Okay, I'll just open the door and yell for Robby to bring them. He won't come in and I won't leave.” Samira explained, opening the door at the nod. “Hey Robby?”
He sighed softly, coming down the hallway. “Bad?” Robby asked quietly, the slight nod was answer enough
“I need a suture kit.” Samira answered, watching his retreating back for a moment. It didn't take him long to return with an armful of first aid supplies.
“You got this, Mira. Let us know if you need help.” Robby encouraged quietly, transferring the supplies to her arms. As much as he wanted to check the wounds himself, he knew Trinity wouldn't be comfortable with it. He also trusted Samira to take care of her.
Samira stepped back into the room, letting the door close behind her. “I'm going to stitch these two and bandage the rest, okay?” She pulled the desk chair over at the nod, opening the suture kit and setting it on the bed. “I'm going to touch your thigh so I can numb it.”
The fact that Samira felt the need to narrate should have been embarrassing but it was helping. Trinity flinched at the pinch of the needle, even though the wounds were numb, watching the stitching closely. “I could do it.” It was a stitch she had done on patients before.
“We are not allowed to suture ourselves. I think Jack had a small stroke when they found out Yoyo was using her body as practice for her sutures.” Samira smiled at the giggle, tying off one wound before moving to the next. “Jack took away all of Yoyo's suture kits and surgical tools. She was pissed.”
“He's such a dad.” Trinity snorted, grimacing at the slight pulling. It didn't hurt but it wasn't comfortable.
“Tori called them the ER dads for the longest time.” Samira grinned, tying off the last stitch before cleaning up the suture kit to dispose of it properly. “I'm going to bandage the rest of these so they stay clean and dry.”
“Thank you.” Trinity studied her freshly bandaged cuts before meeting Samira's eyes.
“Anytime, Trin.” Samira cleaned up the mess before moving to sit beside her on the bed. “I will always help you, anytime you need it.” She was rewarded when Trinity rested her head on her shoulder. Samira knew it was going to take time but she also knew they would just keep taking care of Trinity. She doubted this would be the last time she had to treat her wounds.