Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Tomorrow, I promise,” the smooth texture of the blanket was starting to feel rough in Rose’s fisted hands. Peter now knew exactly what had been bothering her, what he also knew was that it was still bothering her. He could see it in her eyes dragging over Willow while she was being fretted over by her parents. The flickering red and blue lights illuminated her downcast eyes in the dark carnival, her grip on his hand tightened while she pursed her lips. Her expression softened as soon he put his other hand on hers but the feeling lingered.

It lingered all the way home. Its weight pressing over his chest as she laid her head over it. He gently pried her fingers out of the fists and smoothed the blanket over her hands.

“It’s alright, you’ve had a long day,” he says, pressing a kiss onto her forehead, wrapping his arms tight around her torso. He closed his eyes and waited for her breath to even.

My deepest fear is failing.
It won’t be like last time.

Last time. The words kept echoing in his ears. Suddenly, the image of pure horror on her face flashed in his head. On the hayride, something had triggered that storm in her heart, it wasn’t hard to figure out what it was after that confession. Death and failed missions were common in this line of work, he knew that. He also knew from experience how much it affected agents and the toll it could take on them. It was right in front of his eyes– the sleep that never left her looking rested recently, the random headaches, zoning out so much he wondered if she had an earbud in sometimes.

As if on cue, Rose stirred in her sleep, her head slipped from over his chest and settled on his outstretched arm. He felt a smile tugging his lips upwards and couldn’t stop himself from tucking a stray hair behind her ear. She sighed in content and moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around his torso. The pleased look on her face did little to calm the burning in his heart but it was definitely a sight for sore eyes. Suddenly, he found it hard to believe that so many things were haunting Rose. As far as he knew, they never kept secrets between each other, personal or professional. That was a fact that he could rely on from the very moment they met.

An ugly feeling started churning in his stomach, he had caught all the signs, knew exactly what they were pointing to, yet there he was– Letting her unravel it all on her own, letting her wake up in the dead of the night, probably after a nightmare without so much as a pat on her shoulder. He should’ve been there for her. Could’ve been there for her. Could’ve given her a shoulder to cry on. But no, all this time he was sitting on his ass, occasionally throwing in a ‘Are you okay?’ like it would actually mean she was simply ok.

“Wait”, a quiet voice whispered.

“Huh?” he looked over at Rose who was now scrunched up in a fetal pose.
When had that happened?

“No,” Rose was still barely whispering but Peter understood enough. Carefully, with the arm that was under her head he managed to position her in a way that her back was to his chest.

He lightly tapped her cheek with his other hand, “Rose, hey wake up.”

Her eyebrows were pinched together now and he definitely didn’t like the way sweat beaded on her forehead. Simply moving her was doing nothing to actually wake her up and the whispering had now turned into full on panting. He couldn’t take it anymore. They say you’re not supposed to wake people up from nightmares but there’s no way he was gonna let her suffer through whatever it was. Moving out from behind her, her back now resting against the wall behind the bed, he shook her by the arms and yelled, “Rose.”

“Rose, wake up! It’s a dream. Rose!”

He yelled her name one last time and finally, it did the trick, she woke up with a gasp, eyes toward the ceiling. He was now balancing on his knee, bending over her to make eye contact trying to break her out of her stupor. His hands went to the sides of her face bringing her down to look at him. Finally, gasping, she fell forward and grabbed onto his shoulders. He didn’t let go of her head, he couldn’t risk that nightmare reappearing in her eyes, so he kept her eyes on him.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok, you’re at home, deep breaths, deep breaths honey. Here we go, in, one, two, three, ” he took a big gulp of air along with her.
“Out, one, two, three,” they exhaled together, “there we go, just a couple more times now”

The clock ticking past 1:00 A.M. and the refrigerator humming were the only sounds for a while. Rose was sitting on the couch, feet tucked under herself, staring at Peters’ reflection on the TV while he was in the kitchen making her a cup of tea. A couple more minutes and Peter's footsteps accompanied his reflection in the TV walking towards her. He came to stand beside her and smiled at Rose when she took the cup out of his hands. She patted the space beside her for him to sit.

She leaned into the dip of the couch when he took his place and then rested against his side. His arm automatically came to rest around on her back. She took small sips of the tea while still looking at their reflection. She noticed Peter looking at her through it too and smiled. He smiled back. She chuckled and waved at him through the reflection, which led to him giggling and doing the same.

She knew what was going through his head. He wanted to know. He wanted to know exactly what she was feeling so he could measure how tight of a hug she needed and for how long. She grimaced at the sudden onset of images flashing in her head. Peter, Willow and Alexa, the second girl the traffickers were going to use– All dead. Peter with his head blown open from a bullet. Willow and Alexa with foam in their mouth. All of them lying in that corn maze lifeless. She hadn’t even drawn her gun yet, just let it happen. She could remember it more vividly now, Peters’ blood seeping through the cornstalks, drenching them red, drenching the ground red, drenching her hands red.

Peter must’ve noticed the emotions clouding over her face, “Hey, Rose,” he gently took the cup from her hands and placed it on the center table. He cupped her face in his hands.

“You’re ok, you’re here, you’re alive,” a small smile broke over her face.

“Yeah, I’m alive.”
I’m always alive, always left alive, always the only one left alive.

Tears started to form in her eyes which prompted Peter to gather her into a hug, stroking her hair and back, “I know you said you’ll talk about it tomorrow but I want you to know that I’m here to talk about it. Whenever you want to.”

He heard her sniffle and nod against his chest and then she was pulling back a bit. He loosened his grip on her and wiped the fresh tears off her face, “I dreamt about something,” she started.

He nodded, encouraging her to keep going.

She sniffled and fiddled with her hands before she started speaking again, “You were in it. Willow and Alexa too. I was running through the maze looking for a way out and I saw a clearing.”

She stopped and took a deep breath, Peter took this opportunity to grab the tea off the table and place it in her hands. She drank gingerly from the cup and put it back down on her lap.

“I bolted for that exit and then when I came out…” a whimper left her mouth and her curled in on herself but straightened up in a second, “all three of you were lying there, you with a bullet in your head, Willow and Alexa with foam out of their mouths. All dead. I wanted to hold you but there was too much of your blood flowing out of my hands.”

In, one, two, three
Out, one, two, three
What the fuck.

Trauma. Rose had lots of it, Peter knew. But goddamn, he didn’t know that him dying like that was a part of it. He wasn’t exactly surprised though, her therapist did say they had some kind of trauma bond. Although, he didn’t believe that for a second, it didn’t mean the trauma and ever-existent fear of losing each other wasn’t there. He just thought it leaned a little more towards his way than it did hers. His mind would conjure up all kinds of brutal endings with Rose at the center of them all. He knew the pain she was feeling. She now knew the pain he knew.

Rose was still looking at him with tears escaping her eyes here and there. It seemed like his hands had found a permanent place on her face, wiping her tears. Finally gathering enough pieces of his scattered mind, he started, “Rose…”

She hummed in response.

He exhaled, “I’m really sorry,” she started shaking her head but he stopped her, “No, not in that way, you chose this, I know but… I am sorry.”

“I’m glad you’re all alive.”

Peter nodded and chuckled, “Yeah, yes, me too.”

At this point, he was sniffling too, “Rose, I’m going to tell you something and you cannot refuse it, under any circumstances.”

“You want me to take a break.”

“I want you to take a break.”

Rose sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

He bent down to try and catch her eyes, “look, Rose, I’ve been where you are, it’s not a pretty place and it’s definitely something you shouldn’t be handling alone or in quiet. Please, don’t make that mistake. Fight that place like hell, Rose,” she finally looked at him, “Fight with me.”

Taking the opportunity of her attention, he extended a hand towards her. She exhaled a deep breath, looked back at him and then his hand and joined her hand with his.

They both knew from experience that this wouldn’t be easy.

They also know that they got through it every time, it’s what brought them here. Now, they signed up to face it again and they’d get through it, together.

It was Rose for Peter and Peter for Rose. After all, their biggest fears weren’t all that different from each others’.