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Phil wasn’t even sure the hard drive even worked — it was more than twenty years old, and he had no idea they still had it.
He also wasn’t usually the one to just go through their stuff, but Dan was away at the dentist, and Phil was starting to get restless after a while of just sitting on the sofa with a phone in his hand. He sent off a few messages to Dan, but considering he wasn’t replying, he was getting his teeth fixed at the moment, so there was no use in texting further.
Phil dropped the phone on the sofa and sat up, looking around the living room. He could read a book — god knew how many of unread ones were on the bookshelves, but he also wasn't really up to reading today, it seemed. He stood up and made his way round the house searching for something that might catch his eye. Eventually he found himself in the office/gaming room standing at the white chest of drawers right below the mirror. It was known as a place for all of their miscellaneous stuff, and Phil, for once, was curious as to the contents of it. He instantly threw away the ball of tangled wires that none of them was brave enough to confront. There was also a collection of their books in different languages, and Phil spent a few moments browsing through one of them, trying decipher the foreign words, but only making himself confused by the weird letters. He looked through other things in the drawer, and was just about ready to abandon the thing altogether, when he saw the hard drive in the far back.
He took it out, feeling its heavy weight in his hands, and started searching for the appropriate plug to connect the drive to the computer. The computer growled as if in distaste for the ancient technology but obediently showed the contains of the drive — a million of folders with the names that barely described their contains, and Phil excitedly clicked on one of the folders. Some of them he recognised as the ones with Dan’s old videos. He probably took the drive at some point, and Phil had just forgot. Having at least a vague idea of those videos, he clicked on the folders that he didn’t recognise.
The first folder consisted of a number of pictures, and he clicked on one at random. It was an old, very grainy photo of him and his brother, pulling funny faces, and Phil smiled. So it was one of those drives. He enlarged the photo, and the distorted faces turned even weirder. He must have been around twenty in the picture, and he looked so much different from now. It felt like a blast from the past. Judging by the dates he managed to see, most of the contents were from around that time.
He scrolled through the pictures, laughing at how bad most of them were — some with his uni friends, some with his family, some even with his exes from the time. The last category left a bitter taste on his tongue. He didn’t have many relationships prior to meeting Dan, but he remembered them still; maybe because they mostly ended quite pitifully.
He lingered on one of the photos for a moment longer — he was smiling leaning into other boy, his boyfriend at the time. They hadn’t lasted long — none of his relationships did, really, but for some reason now he quite vividly remembered how happy he was during those one and a half months in the spring. He was smiling all the time, he was giddy, he really thought that he was in love. Or maybe he really was, he had no way of knowing. At the time he never had a relationship long enough to hear the actual words. He turned his attention at the boy — Phil couldn’t even remember his name now, but when he broke up with Phil, he was in shambles.
Before he could fall deeper into the memory rabbit hole, he clicked on the next photo, and froze. It was Dan. Very young and very flustered topless Dan, looking up to the camera through his hair that started to curl because he had just woken up and had no time to straighten it. Phil looked at him with wide eyes, feeling like the whole world stopped.
It must have been taken somewhere during their first week together; while they were still a little awkward with each other but also couldn’t stand to be apart for more than a few weeks. It wasn’t a very rational decision for their budgets, as they had to spend an unreasonable amount of money to get those last-minute train tickets from Reading to Manchester and back. At the time the distance seemed insurmountable, and the only thing keeping him stable was Skype. Their first week seemed like the peak of their relationship at the time; Phil couldn’t even imagine that less than a year after the photo was taken, they’d be almost living together and seeing each other every day. At the time, it was like a dream come true.
But this tiny Dan — Phil still felt the impossible urge to scoop him in his arms and hold him close. It was a shitty photo, really, but Phil dragged it onto the desktop to save for later. He wanted nothing more than to frame it and then show it to everyone in his life, so they would see what a cute boyfriend Phil managed to snatch. Not that Dan wasn’t cute now, but something about this young version of him, made Phil particularly soft. His tanned skin, and half-closed eyes, and a faint blush on the cheeks, and a coy smile — he wasn’t ready to be shot, but that only made the photo all the better.
It took all of him to continue looking through the pictures, and he was rewarded with another picture of Dan, this time he had Phil’s glasses on, and he looked a little cross-eyed. It was a silly but cute photo. The following ones were a mix of Dan and outdoor autumnal pictures that no doubt were taken at the same time. Phil also noticed that he wasn’t in any of them. He was taking the pictures, but he was never in shot. He was always there in the previous photos with his exes, but not with Dan. As if he only wanted to capture one person, not caring about himself in the slightest. He knew that they took photos together, but there were none of those here. This folder was for him only. He smiled. Dan was pretty. There was nothing to be ashamed for here. Just maybe, this should have been his first clue that this was something different.
The next folder consisted of different videos, and Phil was excited. There was a video from his birthday, then a one from Florida, a few of the never finished drafts for his channel, and, finally, the ones that he was really curious to see.
He was met with a very blurry frame of Dan hunched over a laptop with the brightness all the way up.
‘Wait-wait-wait, start over,’ said Phil’s voice behind the camera, and Dan turned a curious gaze to him. Upon noticing the camera, he smiled awkwardly.
‘You filming me?’ he laughed, and Phil smiled at his young voice and posh accent.
‘Just start over,’ said Phil’s voice, and Dan shook his head.
‘I just wanted to show you what I filmed. It’s not really anything,’ said Dan, looking away with a blush.
‘What do you mean? This is exciting,’ Phil moved closer with the camera and pointed at the screen. The screen was too bright to see anything, and Phil laughed. ‘Oh, you can’t see it,’ he said in a disappointed tone.
Phil smiled at his own inaptitude. He was still like this, sometimes. And sometimes, he did it on purpose just to make Dan roll his eyes in exasperation. Young Dan let out a short laugh as if wondering what young Phil was thinking was going to happen when he tried to film the screen. Despite everything, it was still the same breathy laugh, the same expression — the same person, essentially, even with his outstanding personal growth, he was still the one Phil had fallen in love with all those years ago.
The video ended abruptly, and Phil clicked on the next one. This time the camera was pointed at the both of them as they sat close together on his bed.
‘So Dan,’ said Phil, turning to look at him. The motion made the frame go sideways, but young Phil seemed to only care about looking at Dan. ‘Tell me your thoughts on the thing we’ve just seen.’
‘What, on a documentary about whales?’ Dan shook his head and fixed his fringe with a shy smile.
‘Yes, I wanna know what you think.’
‘I think that raising awareness for the environment is a great thing,’ Dan shrugged.
‘You might also be raising something else,’ said Phil with a smirk, and Dan turned to look at him with a smile.
‘Might I?’ he stared at young Phil, and there was something in his gaze, deeper than simple lust — almost an endless need and want to be as close as possible, something that went even further than life itself.
The video ended before they could kiss — it ended with their gazes locked and a whole silent conversation between them.
Phil felt hot, and he felt his hands trembling as he clicked onto the next video. This time the camera stood unmoving on the desk, and Dan was sitting in front of it wearing the pyjamas. He was combing his hair and he was looking around as if waiting for something to happen. He then hugged himself and looked at the camera.
‘Hey Phil,’ he said in a quiet voice. Phil jumped at the sound of his own name even though he heard it a million times before. The voice — he heard it before, had been hearing it for the last sixteen years, and he was still occasionally hit with the meaning of their life together and the odds of everything happening exactly the way it had. Young Dan was silent for a moment. ‘You went out to buy something to eat and you left me a message so I wouldn’t worry,’ he looked at the desk and took a piece of paper. He looked at it with a soft smile. ‘And I thought, maybe you’d want to get a message as well. Maybe you’d find it later, and it’ll make you smile. Like you make me smile all the time even when I feel like shit. I don’t know how, but you do.’
Dan was silent for another moment as he seemed to read the message. Phil bit his lip, while the tears threatened to fall down his face. How could he miss this? Why did he never look through the videos before?
‘These last few days we’ve spent together,’ said Dan, and Phil focused his attention on him, ‘they have been the best I’ve had in the last couple of years. We still have a few before I go back, even though I really don’t want to. If only I could stay with you forever. This is so stupid, right?’ Dan laughed bitterly, hugging himself tighter. ‘You might think I’m weird, and, well, I am. I just really like you and I want this to never end. So,’ he sighed and looked straight at the camera, ‘when you see this, please don’t laugh at me. I think I’m in love with you, but I won’t say it to your face. I’m too scared of losing you. Please, don’t make me lose you.’
Dan was almost red with how deep his blush was, and Phil had to cover his mouth with his hands. He stared at the screen long after the video ended. He was shaking, and he was crying. He had never seen the video. He might have missed it at first, and then he never had an excuse to look through the old hard drive. It was almost impossible for him to imagine the times when they were still not sure of how much they meant to each other. When they had no idea what the future held for them. Before living together, before YouTube work, before radio, before world tours and before their forever home. And here he was, in their joined office space, missing his partner of sixteen years because they couldn’t stand to be apart even for a few hours.
He clicked on the next video and let it wash over him. It was once again Phil filming Dan while on the bed.
‘Hey Dan,’ he said in a cheery voice, and Dan turned to look at him. He smiled softly, and nothing betrayed the way he was in the previous video. He was too good of an actor for it to be the case. ‘I’m gonna ask you a question and if you answer it correctly I’ll give you a prize.’
‘And if I don’t?’
‘There’s a forfeit. You’ll see. You ready?’
‘You won’t give me a choice, will you?’ Dan looked at him fondly. Instead of an answer, Phil shook the camera from side to side. ‘Go on then,’ Dan looked in the lens and laughed.
‘How many nipples does the platypus have?’ Phil asked in his best TV presenter voice and balanced the camera on the bed. He sat close to Dan
‘What?’ Dan laughed. ‘How am I supposed to know?’ he fixed his gaze on Phil. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘So you don’t know?’ Phil said to clarify.
‘Of course I fucking don’t. It’s ridiculous.’ Dan rolled his eyes.
‘Well, then, forfeit,’ Phil waited for a moment, keeping a dramatic pause. ‘You have to kiss me.’
Dan pretended to be scandalised.
‘How will I cope?’ he exclaimed, and Phil couldn’t hold his smile. Dan faux-pouted. ‘I guess I have no choice, then.’
Dan turned to face him properly and leaned down and left a short and quick kiss on his cheek.
Phil couldn’t help but laugh. Leave it to Dan to find a loophole. He still felt hot tears on his face but at least he wasn’t shaking as much.
Young Phil gasped. ‘No, on the mouth!’ he exclaimed.
‘Sorry, you didn’t specify the area,’ Dan shrugged.
‘Oh, I didn’t, did I? I see how it is, south boy.’
Dan laughed. ’South boy? Really? Come on, you can do better than that.’
‘Well, I can definitely do you,’ said young Phil, and Phil had to cringe at how cheesy it sounded. Thankfully, young Dan wasn’t as experienced in the art of tasteful flirting, so the stupid sentence made him blush. ‘Kiss me?’ Phil tried again, and this time Dan didn’t even pretend to hate it.
He leaned closer and connected their lips. It was a soft and short kiss. It was nothing like the heated and hungry ones from after the tours or when they wanted to wind each other up. This was almost innocent, even though the kiss left them both red and panting. They were young, after all. It was all still too fresh.
Phil was about to click on the next video when the door to the office opened, and he saw Dan. Real one.
“Phil?” he said as their gazes met. “Thank fuck, I thought you died or something. Or decided to just leave me.”
“I could never,” said Phil with full sincerity, and Dan seemed to notice his trembling voice and red-rimmed eyes.
“What the hell you’ve been doing here? Watching kinky porn?” he walked into the office and looked at the computer screen where the younger them were still locked in a kiss. “Oh fuck, that’s even worse. Our cursed 2009 selves.”
“I’d say you were very cute. You blushed all the time,” said Phil with a smile, and Dan rolled his eyes.
“Where’d you even get this? I don’t remember filming this,” Dan sat on his chair, rewound the video to the beginning and pressed play. “Oh, it’s one of those,” he said as he watched the footage. Phil was glad that it wasn’t the previous video. First, he wasn’t sure he was ready to see it again, and second, he had a feeling that Dan wouldn’t appreciate being reminded of his little message. There was, after all, a reason why he never even mentioned filming anything like that. Or, if he was lucky, he just forgot. The video once again got to the kiss, and Dan stopped it. “Well, what can I say? Your methods of seduction got better, at least.”
“And you still fall for them,” Phil smiled, looking at Dan. He was gorgeous. He always knew it — he never doubted that Dan was insanely attractive, and he was just happy to be with him.
“Out of pity,” Dan said but with no heart. They looked at each other for a moment, just basking in the knowledge that whatever was happening between them was hundred percent mutual. There was something infinitely beautiful and wonderful in just sitting close to each other and knowing how much it meant to both of them.
“That’s okay, I guess,” Phil shrugged.
“Where’d you even get this?” Dan turned to look at the screen, and Phil smiled. It was another thing altogether — to stretch it out, to see how far they can take their teasing, and then get everything they want and more. It was a game with no losers — the best, in Phil’s opinion.
“In the junk drawer. I got bored.”
“You didn’t answer my texts.”
“Sorry, I left the phone on the sofa.”
“At least you’re not dead,” Dan said and looked through the folders. “I had no idea there’s so much stuff here. I’m surprised it even works.”
“I know. The resilience.”
Dan scrolled through the photos. He even smiled at some of them.
“I hate it,” he announced as he finished going through them. “I hate to be reminded of my mortality. And age.”
“I like it. Makes me appreciate all of this even more,” Dan quirked his eyebrow. “Just look at us. Just a couple of boys in a small bedroom filming on a shitty camera. And look at what we have now,” he looked Dan straight in the eye. “I’m glad to have all of this with you. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“That’s not true,” Dan shook his head. “You telling me you wouldn’t have chosen a normal life without all this stupid trauma.”
“I’m not telling that I wouldn’t have. I’m telling you that I didn’t.”
Dan blinked at him.
“Right,” he said in a soft voice.
“I love you, Dan. Whether you believe it or not. I really do. And I did at that time,” he nodded at the screen.
“How foolish of you. I could have been a serial killer.”
“’How To Befriend Your Favourite Internet Stars’,” Phil reminded him. Dan glared at him pretending that he wasn't amused.
“That should have been your clue, honestly. I still can’t believe you let me do that.”
“An honest mistake,” Phil said with a shrug.
“I’m sure.”
“But everything worked out in the end, didn’t it?” Phil grinned, still looking at Dan.
“I guess so,” and Dan smiled in return.