Chapter Text
~*~ Week Four ~*~
Alastor was acting weird that morning. As soon as Charlie was gone for the day, he'd ushered Lucifer out to go visit Angel at his shop. He'd insisted it would be good for him to get out of the hotel for a few hours, and as soon as he was finished sharing his findings with the spider he could come straight back. The devil tried to ask what he was so eager to get him out of his hair for, but he wouldn't spill the beans.
Which is precisely how the King of Hell was currently sitting in the back office of the busiest sex shop in the Pride Ring. Shit, possibly the busiest sex shop in the seven rings. He'd have to ask Ozzie to compare profit margins for his top stores. He'd actually had to turn into a snake just to get past all the bodies in the store without getting spotted. The king fidgeted quietly in his seat, trying to ignore the sounds of patrons testing their purchases in the many rooms along the back wall close by.
The spider demon opened the door and the sounds got marginally louder for a brief moment before he closed it again, slumping in the overstuffed couch across from the king. "Holy shit," he groaned, arching his back with a wince before propping his feet up. "Best part of not workin' for anybody else; I can take a break whenever I fuckin' want," he huffed, pulling a pack of smokes out of his chest fluff and dumping one out before offering the box to Lu.
"Oh, no thanks. I don't like the taste," he declined with a smile.
Angel shrugged easily, lighting his cigarette and tilting his head back as he took a few puffs, blowing smoke into the air above his head. "So, what can I do ya for, short king?" he asked, resting his head in his palm. "You and Smiles decide what you wanna order?"
Lucifer cleared his throat, crossing his right leg over his left. "We discussed it a little. I've got a list, but that's not actually why I'm here. He more or less chased me out of the hotel and told me not to come back for a few hours," he explained. "I have no idea what he's planning or working on, but whatever it is, he wanted me out of the way to do it."
"That's a little weird," the spider muttered, scratching his temple. "Nothin' bad happened between you two, right?"
"No, nothing at all," he said with a certain shake of the head. "He just… woke up with a wild hair up his ass, I guess."
After a moment, the demon shrugged, bringing his legs up over the back of the couch and flipping himself upside down. "It's Alastor. Suppose he's bound to do weird shit once in a while. So. List. Gimme," he insisted, holding a hand out for it. The king's cheeks flushed before he reached into his pocket, passing him a neatly-folded piece of paper. Angel took another puff of his cigarette as he read over the list, his brows raising before he looked at him again. "You dirty slut," he accused.
"Not all of those are my requests!" he defended, his cheeks darkening to amber.
"Never said they were," he pointed out, holding up two hands. "But you also can't expect me to believe Mr. Didn't Enjoy Bottoming is the one asking for some of the items on this list," he teased. "I can get these together for you right away, or we can sit and chat for a bit and I'll drop 'em off tomorrow morning when I get back to the hotel."
Lucifer huffed, bringing his legs up onto the chair he was sitting on. "I'd rather sit and talk," he admitted. "Helps distract from your ah… patrons," he explained, gesturing with a thumb in the direction of the testing rooms.
"I really do need to get better soundproofing installed," the porn star agreed quietly, tapping his chin. "So, whatcha wanna talk about?"
"Vaggi finally proposed to Charlie," he offered. "The first and only thing my daughter asked me to do for the wedding was to walk her down the aisle."
The spider gasped, laying a hand on his chest and setting his cigarette in a nearby ashtray. "That's fuckin' adorable! They pick a spot to have it yet?"
"Not that I'm aware. They've started working on planning. Charlie's handling decor, catering, and the venue while Vaggi works on seating arrangements, security, and itinerary. I gotta come up with the perfect wedding gift. I know I can put my crafting skills to use and make something special; I just haven't decided what," he muttered, cupping his elbow and stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe a three-dimensional photograph of themselves… figurines of the two of them in their wedding dresses… something with silver or gold, definitely."
"I'm gonna give 'em a red pill," Angel decided with a shrug. "I'm sure they'll want a kid eventually. Which one do you think will take it?"
"Ew. EW. No, nuh-uh, nope, absolutely not," Lucifer retched, holding up a hand as the four-armed demon cackled. "That's my daughter you're talking about. No."
"I was only kidding!" he laughed, waving all four hands at him as he did. "About the speculation, of course. That's still my wedding present."
The king shook his head. "Yeah, grandbaby talk is fine. I just don't wanna hear about the behind the scenes documentary. Sheesh," he shuddered, looking away. "...Huh. I didn't really think about that until just now. I'm too young to be a grandpa."
"You're older than time," Angel pointed out, arching a brow.
"I'm still in my prime!" he defended, crossing his arms. "I can still keep up with kids these days."
"Oh, I know you couldn't keep up with me," the porn star said in a low, sultry tone, dragging one hand up from his knee to just below his chest. "Practice makes perfect, babycakes. And I've had loads of it."
"Puh-lease," the devil huffed. "You can practice all you like. I've got raw talent on my side. I don't need practice to be perfect at it."
"I'd challenge you to a wager, but I don't think Alastor would appreciate sharin' you for a day. Can't say I blame him, either," he added, his eyes roaming over the blonde's body. "I've got legs for days, but you're a drink of water that's just the right size. I know stars in the business that beg to have coworkers that look like you."
"And I can't blame them," he preened, wiping a hand through his hair and closing his eyes. "I am pretty sexy."
Angel snickered, flipping onto his stomach. "You don't see it, do you?" he asked, lowering his eyelids.
"...See what?" he asked, arching a brow.
"Lu, I hate to be the one to break this to you," he started, then paused and shook his head. "No, this is amazing to break to you. You're a tiny twink. People would pay to ruin you and watch you get ruined by guys twice your size and bigger. Val wanted to scoop you up and get you under contract before he realized who you were because he knew he'd make a killing on movies of you getting destroyed by the biggest dudes on his payroll. That's not even factoring in any corruption kinks people might have watching an angel sink into debauchery."
The fallen angel stared at him for a while, blinking slowly. He sighed after a while, flipping himself around to be in the same upside-down position on the chair the spider had shortly before on the couch. "...Yeah, I'm aware," he admitted. "Moth guy wasn't the first sinner to ever come after me for a 'good time', and definitely not the first that would've wanted to make an easy payday with me."
"Prostitution is the world's oldest profession, remember?" he pointed out. "He was just the most recent in a long line of sinners that wanted a piece of me. The only difference is he's the first one since the invention of video recording equipment."
Angel pursed his lips before he picked up his cigarette, taking another drag. There was quiet in the room for a while, then he took a deep breath. "So… you mentioned Vox and Val weren't the first sinners to kidnap you and use you for that kind of thing… if ya don't mind my askin'..."
"You want to know who beat them to it," he guessed, closing his eyes. "...Alright, fine, but this doesn't leave this room," he insisted, to which the spider drew an X over his chest with one of his free hands. "...Okay. Alright," he whispered, mostly to himself.
"...It was about forty years after Lilith took Charlie away. I'd been alone in the palace for a long while before that, but not having them around made it worse. I went out for a drink, not to get drunk, just to be in the presence of other living beings for a little while, y'know?" he explained, earning a solemn nod. "Sinners were still a bit intimidated by me, even though I hadn't really made a public appearance in a few centuries."
"I found a spot at the bar off in the corner, close enough to the exit door that I could leave unencumbered but far enough that I didn't look like I was already fixing to leave. I ordered my usual, sat down for my drink, just listening to the buzz of the bar. This guy walks up to me, well, not walks, more like struts up to me. Big fox ears, really angular face, fluffy tail. Maybe he was a thief when he was alive, but he's taller than me, broad shoulders, so his frame doesn't say thief. He takes the stool next to me, orders the same thing I'm drinking, and starts flirting with me."
"I sort of brushed him off for the first half hour or so of it, but he kept at it, buying me drinks, complimenting my clothes and my figure. I've been there for like, two hours by this point, any normal person would already be shitfaced with the amount of liquor in my system, but I'm stone sober. He commented about it, and finally I looked at him and asked if he had any idea who I even am. His response was 'someone whose clothes I'd love to see crumpled on my bedroom floor.' Who even responds to that question like that?"
"...I decided fuck it, I'm lonely, he's persistent, and I don't even have to bring him to the palace because he wants me back at his place. So I hooked up with him. He wasn't the best I'd had at the time, but he wasn't the worst either. Never gave him my name, and he never got rough enough to draw blood, so he still didn't know who I actually was. When we were done, I used his shower to clean up, got dressed, and portaled home before he even noticed I was gone."
"So it was originally a one-night stand with a stranger at a bar," Angel hummed. "Then what happened?"
"...About two weeks later I went back to the bar and ran into him again. He'd been doing his research, going through old newspapers and paintings until he found a match for me. Realized he'd slept with the King of Hell himself. He could, of course, spread that rumor all he liked and no one would believe him without proof. But he didn't ask for that; he asked for a more lasting arrangement."
"He didn't have the greatest stamina, but he was adventurous at a time I needed some excitement in my life. Eventually, he asked for an actual deal to solidify a sort of business relationship between us. Any time I was feeling lonely or needy, I could come to his apartment and he'd satisfy those needs. In return, all I had to do was pay his rent," he explained with a shrug. "Pretty safe deal, all things considered."
The spider frowned, sitting up properly on the couch. "Until there's strings attached," he said softly, ashing his finished cigarette.
"Yeah," Lucifer confirmed. "Problem with making deals when you're immortal; they're eternally binding. The only way out is for the other beneficiary of the deal to die. And, about three weeks after I shook his hand and felt that tug at my chest to fulfill our deal for the twentieth time, I realized exactly how often I was feeling lonely."
"I went to his apartment to try and negotiate a change to the deal, but when I got there, he had a few of his friends visiting for their boy's night, I guess. He wasn't expecting me, but when he saw me, he got really excited. Pulled me in, introduced me to all of them. He'd already told them about the deal, unfortunately," he sighed. "So they all assumed that's what I was there for."
"Oh, shit," Angel groaned, rubbing the back of his neck. "So instead of letting you pull him aside for a private conversation…"
"They all wanted to join," he confirmed. "I… felt pressured to agree. And his friends were cute," he admitted. "So I went along with it. They were all really gentle with me, patient, affectionate. It felt nice. The ending was the same though. While they were all relaxing, I got myself cleaned up, dressed, and… he fell asleep, so I left. I tried going back twice in the following weeks, but the same thing happened every time. He'd have different friends visiting, he'd tell them about our deal before I could explain what I was actually there for, and I'd end up getting pressured into having sex with all of them."
"The fourth time I showed up, he was actually alone, and I could finally explain what I was coming for. He was pissed when he found out I wanted to have the deal formally nullified by that point. That's when I found out his friends were paying him to let them have a go at me. I demanded he come with me to the deal office to have it officially revoked, and when I turned to lead the way, he attacked me. I don't know what in Hell he hit me over the head with, but one minute I was stomping away from his apartment, the next I was chained to a pole in some dark, dusty warehouse."
"My hands and body were free, but he had this heavy metal collar around my neck and logging chain keeping me on a short leash to the support pillar in the middle of the room. I could move around a bit, but my clothes were gone. I found out when I tried to snap my fingers that there were old binding runes on the collar. Ancient magic I'd thought forgotten, from when humans would summon me to Earth to ask for favors. Not enough to completely defang me, but enough that I couldn't escape as long as the collar was on me."
"He showed up about two hours after I woke up, gloated for a while, then brought in a few 'paying customers'," he growled, wrapping his arms around himself. "I did what I could to fight back, but there was only so far I could back away, and the damn chain wouldn't break. Not that it would've helped much if it did; I wasn't about to walk home in Pentagram City naked as the day I was created. That would've been worse."
"...After the first three sets of sinners finished with me, I'd had enough. While he was cycling the first duo back in, I bit open my wrist and used my blood to draw a summoning circle on the floor. An open cry to any Goetia still willing to serve me. Paimon was the first to answer the call. When he saw the condition I was in and what they intended to do, he leveled the building, slaying the fox guy and every friend he had in waiting. Damaged the binding runes so I could break out of the collar and helped me get back to the palace unseen."
"I tripled his net worth and told him if he or his spawn required anything of the crown, it would be done. He said it wouldn't be necessary, but the offer stands to this day." He was quiet for a moment, slouching in his seat. "Until Charlie called me and asked me to come to the hotel and see what she was working on, I didn't leave the palace again after that. Barely left my workshop."
"Before, I thought Lilith's idea of redemption was a waste of time because we served Hell better by making it a better place for our subjects. After that experience, I decided it was a waste of time because our subjects were vile, selfish monsters, happy to hurt anyone if it meant improving their own situation."
Angel stood up from the couch, moving to sit on the arm of the chair Lucifer was in instead. He didn't say anything, just helped him sit back up and hooked an arm over his shoulders. "...I know you're not all like that," the king said softly, leaning against the spider. "I'm sorry. It's just… I made the mistake of trusting him without knowing him, and I paid for it."
"Welcome to Hell," the spider joked, squeezing his shoulders. "At least the fucker can't hurt anyone else. If it wasn't you, he probably would've made a deal with some sinner that didn't have the pull you had and it would've ended up worse," he offered. "So… you probably saved someone from a worse fate in the process. He might've ended up becoming a Valentino himself."
Lu grimaced at that, snapping his fingers to summon two bottles of water and passing one to the porn star, who gladly accepted it. "I guess there's that to drink to. To culling pieces of shit, I guess?" he toasted with a shrug.
The demon snickered, patting his back. "I better get back to the floor. Let Smiles know I'll be by tomorrow with your order."
The king nodded, snapping his fingers to open a portal back to the porch where he left. "See you, Ange," he confirmed, stepping through and letting it close behind him. "Now… what the Hell were you hiding from me, Al…"