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Amanda shuts the door. Her room is dark, and she can’t see a thing; she doesn’t bother turning on the lights. Instead, she shuffles over to her bed, trying hard not to trip over anything. She lays down, still in the clothes she wore to the wedding. That's it. She thinks, rolling onto her side. It's over.
Amanda sighs, consumed by her own self pity. She knows full well nothing is ‘over.’ not really, anyway. Technically, nothing had ever started between them. her best friend was married now, Clarissa and Mark would have their happily ever after. I should feel excited for them. Amanda stares at nothing in particlular. If only the darkness in the room were thick enough to fill the hollowed out feeling in her stomach, Some best friend I am.
And that's all she’s ever been, a best friend. They've never been anything more. All those knowing glances, every late night conversation, every slight brush of the fingers that made her insides light up with hope. They didn’t mean anything, at least, not in the way she wanted them to. If you fall apart when they aren’t around, then your foundations aren’t strong enough.
That was what Amanda had said earlier, wasn’t it? She really is such a hypocrite. Letting out a choked sob, she curls into herself. Please let this feeling go away.
Her throat burns through ragged breaths as she squeezes her eyes shut, willing the tears not to come; they do anyway. Like an old friend coming to comfort her in her time of need, like that one time Clarissa found her on a park bench, sitting alone at recess back in kindergarten. How Clarissa sat with her, even though she had other friends and could have just left her there, she didn’t. She had chosen Amanda back then, and Amanda chose Clarissa from that point foreward, again and again until Clarissa moved on. Maybe It's time I move on too.
Somehow, packing up, moving out, and moving on sounds so much easier than staying stuck here. She takes a deep breath, her throat still raw with emotion. That’s exactly what she will do, she will leave this town, start somewhere new. away from her friends, her family, away from Clarissa. Even if it’s hard, and even if it hurts, Amanda needs a new beginning.
She hears the distant sound of the front door creaking open, and the sound of her fathers footsteps on the carpeted floor. She opens her eyes to a thin light filtering through the cracks of the door. Even if Clarissa isn’t here for her, she can be here for herself.
And sometimes that’s got to be enough.