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Buck and Eddie were five hours into their ten hour drive back to LA, and so far everything had been smooth sailing.
They'd stocked up on all the snacks and drinks they could buy before leaving New Mexico so that they'd never have to stop in a small town again, and the two of them made the logical but reluctant decision to only stop for bathroom breaks on the side of the road when they're in the middle of nowhere and there's for sure no one around.
It may sound a little strange to anyone else, but after what they'd just been through, Buck and Eddie refused to see the face of another person until it was their family back in LA, and if that meant pissing on the side of the road so they could avoid gas stations and run down diners, so be it.
At this point, the radio was playing some local station, quietly in the background, as the pair drew back into their own heads for a little while. The trip had started out with loud music and chatter, like usual, as if they were trying to push away and ignore the horrors they'd just experienced, but after the tenth song had ended and their ribs burned from the ridiculous dancing they were doing, they eventually fell into a calm, settled silence.
Eddie was just so thankful to have Buck beside him again, breathing and alive. He couldn't help the occasional glance in his friend's direction, just to make sure he was still awake and aware. They were about thirty minutes away from their next stop check, and Eddie was determined to make sure Buck followed through every time like he promised.
He listened over the top of the classical music playing out the stereo, and focused in on every inhale and exhale Buck made, allowing it to ground himself when his mind inevitably fell back into flashes of what had happened only yesterday.
Buck, on the other hand, was finding it more and more difficult to focus on what was happening around him.
His line of sight was stuck, transfixed on the road ahead, but he wasn't really seeing it.
Instead, he was seeing Bonnie's terrified face as she aimed a gun at him with shaky hands.
He saw the walls filled with posters and photos that could only be owned by a teenage boy.
He saw the bars of iron stretching across the doors and windows, like a makeshift prison designed to lure you in with warmth and a homely ambience, before locking you inside with no escape and only feet away from freedom that you can't ever reach.
Buck catches a glimpse of something shiny reflecting in the side mirror, and instantly his heart starts racing.
It's headlights.
They're back!
Bonnie and Earl are back to take him again!
In reality, it was just sign in the distance, one they'd already passed, bouncing the sun's scorching beam into the mirror, but Buck couldn't see that.
With his panicked eyes set on the wing mirror, he also finally looked at his own reflection. He'd been trying to avoid it, not wanting to see the damage that had been done in the car accident, but now he'd caught his own eye by mistake, and he couldn't move it away.
Staring into his own eyes, Buck found himself unable to recognise them. A foggy cloud rolled over his mind and he thought back to the photo of Derek sitting on the desk in the bedroom.
The white and red polo shirt,
the cowboy boots,
that was Derek...
And Buck had dressed as him, pretended to be him, to stay alive. Only now, as he pictured the photograph, and kept his gaze on his own reflection, Derek's face began to shift and change, being replaced with his own smiling back at him.
He'd been Derek.
Bonnie called him Derek, told him he WAS Derek!
He even called himself Derek...
He dressed in his clothes and played the part, but a small misty section of his mind made him question if he was 'playing' at all.
Somewhere on the surface of the dark water where Buck had sunk deeply into, there was a voice calling to him.
It was loud, and warm, and full of worry, but he couldn't find the ability to focus on it.
"Buck?" The voice said, garbled and echoed, but Buck ignored it.
That wasn't his name?
Was it?
He couldn't remember anymore...
He told Bonnie his name was Derek, he called Bonnie 'Mom', maybe that was who he is?
A rough, large hand takes hold of his shoulder, giving him a small jostle, but it feels like it's happening to somebody else.
Somebody named Buck.
Who's Buck?
That wasn't him.
A few hours, or maybe seconds, pass by and he can sense movement happening somewhere around him. There's noise, and shadows, but he has no idea where it's coming from. His eyes are still stuck in that trance he'd put himself under by staring into his own eyes, unblinking, for far too long.
Then, the reflection is gone, so suddenly it's jarring, and there is fresh air hitting his face. That voice is back, but closer now and on his right hand side, and a new hand is on him, cupping his face.
A blurred figure moves in front of him, blocking his view of the moved mirror, and slowly but surely, he's able to meet a pair of worried brown eyes.
"Are you hearing me?!" The voice says, a little clearer than before. The hand on his face is moving, a thumb brushing across his cheek, he tries to focus on it. He remembers Bonnie- Mom- doing this too... It felt nice, he can't even remember why he was so scared before. He's always wanted a mother to care for him, and that's exactly what she did. Why did he leave?
"Hey!" The voice yells, and a second hand appears on his skin, pressed just under his jaw against his neck.
It feels familiar...
"Come on, Buck... Come back to me."
He shakes his head at that, this person was clearly confused! He's not... Buck? He's Derek! He was told that! He knew that! Why did this person think different?
"No? Buck, hey... I need you to focus on me. Can you do that?"
"D- De..." He tries to speak, biting through the cotton wool that seemed to be stuffed into his mouth and pressing down on his tongue. His lips are cracked and dry, his throat is like sandpaper, the sides rubbing together everytime he tries to get words out, but he keeps trying. He needs to explain to this person that he's not who they're looking for.
"Der- Derek..." He says finally, feeling a little proud that he was able to get his own name out, even with such difficulty.
There's a small gasp, and suddenly the hands on him are holding with a lot more pressure.
"No. No, no, no... Hey, listen to me." They beg, and he does his best. It's kind of hard with the new ringing in his ears though. When did that start?
"Your name is Evan Buckley." They say. They lie. He knows his name. He shakes his head again, though it's a little difficult with how hard their hands are holding him.
"Yes. You're Evan Buckley. You're a Firefighter at Station 118 in Los Angeles. You have a sister named Maddie Buckley, we're on our way to her now."
He's confused. That doesn't make any sense! The photo of himself with his Mom on his desk flashes into view again, it's blurred and he can't quite see his face properly anymore, but it's what he clings too.
"Buck!" The voice calls out as things start to become cloudy again. "Evan Buckley! That's your name! We call you Buck. I'm Eddie Diaz, your- I'm your best friend! I need you to see me, Buck! Hear me, come on!"
Eddie Diaz... That name sounds familiar.
Best friend?... Does he have a best friend? Bonn- Mom hadn't mentioned it.
Curiosity urges him to finally focus on the eyes staring at him. If this was his best friend, he wanted to see who they were.
The brown eyes ahead become more than a pair of eyes, and suddenly he's seeing a whole face, a whole person in front of him that's unblurring and becoming solid.
They must notice, because they start speaking again. "That's it, come on Buck."
It's then that he zeros in on a chain around the person's neck. It's silver and delicate and looks quite old.
He's able to zoom his gaze in and sees that it's a St Christopher medallion.
St Christopher...
Christopher...
'He has a son, Christopher. He's fifteen. Eddie is all he has.'
His own voice echoes in his mind.
Eddie.
Eddie Diaz.
Eddie Diaz who is Buck's best friend.
Eddie Diaz who has a fifteen real old son named Christopher.
Eddie Diaz who is right in front of him.
"Eddie..." He whispers. The name sounds right on his tongue, the shape of it feels right on his lips, like it's meant to be there, like he's said it a million times before.
But Derek doesn't know Eddie Diaz,
only Evan Buckley does.
So that must mean...
"Hey, Buck. Yeah, it's me... Can you hear me?"
Suddenly it all comes flooding back at once.
The car accident,
the bedroom that isn't his, he knows that now,
Mo- Bonnie, the crazy lady who kidnapped him and tried to use him to replace her son,
the cattle prod,
the clothes he put on for his own survival,
the photograph that definitely is not of himself.
He remembers the fear of thinking Eddie had been shot, again, and how it pushed him to finally fight and break free of the tale around his wrists.
He remembers seeing Eddie's face come into view when he collapsed onto the grass, telling him he'd be ok and to look at him.
He remembers speaking to Maddie on the phone when he's being loaded into the ambulance.
Maddie, Buck's sister, his sister, who he's missed so much and is heading back to right now, bursting with anticipation to hug so close to his chest they both may become one person.
He's going to see Christopher, and Chimney, and Athena, May and Harry! He'll see Ravi and Jee, and Baby Nash, and soon Hen will be home from her trip and he'll be able to see her too.
He's going to see his family. HIS family! Because he is Evan Buckley, LAFD firefighter of Station 118, and he's with his best friend Eddie Diaz who is standing in front of him now, waiting so patiently for him to come back to his body.
He snaps back harshly, and it knocks the wind out of him for a second, but Eddie is there to keep him steady and grounded, like he always has been.
They lock eyes again and Buck can see in in Eddie's eyes the moment he knows Buck is back.
He smiles brightly, but softly, and reaches forward to place a loving kiss on the top of Buck's curls.
That's new?!
Before pulling back and watching with wet eyes as he checks Buck over.
"You scared the hell out of me..." Eddie said shakily, keeping his hands on Buck's face.
"Sorry," Buck replied his sight becoming misty too as tears well up. "I'm back now."
"I know..." Eddie tells him, for the second time now, that simple phrase seemed to be filled with so much more emotion than it should, like Eddie's telling him something else between the lines. "I'm not letting you float off again, ok? I've got you."
Eddie finishes his promise with reaching down and clasping Buck's hand, squeezing with so much pressure it hurts, but in a good way, before brining it up to his mouth and pressing a closed eyed kiss to Buck's knuckles.
Ok, yeah... really new!
Buck's too exhausted to ask questions now, he's sure they'll find a way to talk about this tomorrow when they're both condemned to bed rest under Tia Pepa's orders at Eddie's. She'd promised Maddie to watch over them while everyone was at work.
Eddie let's go momentarily, and Buck immediately misses the warmth. Though, he knows, technically, Eddie had to let go to be able to get back into the car.
Once in the driver's seat, Eddie grabs Buck's hand again and brings them both to rest on his thigh while he starts the engine.
He then reaches into his side door and grabs an unopened bottle of water, passing it to Buck and asking him to drink the whole thing, as it'd help keep him grounded. He apologises for the lukewarm temperature of the water, but joked that it probably wouldn't be different to the rest of the drinks in the back seat that had been in direct sunlight for hours now, and Buck waved him off with a smile before chugging the whole thing in less than a minute.
Buck tosses the empty bottle in the back and slumps into his seat. His gaze once again catches the wing mirror for a moment before quickly turning in his seat to face Eddie, the mirror completely out of view now, and Eddie sends him a curious smile with knitted brows.
Buck shrugs his shoulders. "Just wanted a change of scenery."
Eddie chuckles, his eyes back on the road, and squeezes Buck's hand that is now pressed against the gear stick under Eddie's own.
"You sure you're ok, Buck?" Eddie asked. "You were gone for a really long time there... I think-"
"Yeah... I uh, I had a moment where I saw myself in the mirror, but couldn't recognise myself? Had a weird flashback thing where I thought I was Derek for a second." Buck clarifed, feeling a little embarrassed.
"So that's why you've turned a full ninety degrees in your seat. Look, I know... I've had my fair share of flashbacks, Buck, I getchu. But I'll be here if one starts up again, and I'll be able to react faster this time."
"I'm hoping there won't be a next time."
Eddie sighed. "Unfortunately trauma isn't just something that goes away if you hope really hard, Buck. But I promise you, I'll be here to help you through it."
Buck nodded softly. He took notice of Eddie saying his name at least once in every sentence, silently grateful for it as it keeps his mind on a loop of who he really is, and stopping him from slipping back into his head.
"I can't wait to get home." He says with a nervous smile, kind of wanting to change the subject.
"Yeah, me too." Eddie huffs and shakes his head. "We're not going on another road trip for at least another five years."
"Lets make it six. Just to be safe."
"Deal."