Work Text:
A log pose arrived on the Thousand Sunny via a private courier gull one morning – accompanied by a short letter.
Mugiwara, I challenge you to a swimming race. Unless you're too much of a coward to take part.
E. Captain Kid
And no way was the little problem of not being able to swim going to stop Luffy from rising to a challenge.
“Well, this explains it,” said Nami. Her eyes trailed along the over-sized poster that advertised the details of the resort island they had arrived at. “'Welcome to Devils' Retreat – a resort with Devil Fruit users in mind. We have even created a new type of water that allows ability users to swim.'”
The log pose had pointed to a tiny summer island with wide sandy beaches that gradually gave way to immaculately landscaped green grounds and rainbow flowerbeds. They'd docked the Sunny alongside the empty Punk Victoria at a small – but clearly very new – harbour. The woodwork of the docks and gangways was still shiny; polished to perfection. Beyond the wooden walkways, a white tiled pavement led through the gardens up a gentle slope to a domed, gold building shaped like a grinning hippo. Billboards lined the empty path.
Devils' Retreat!
Luxury Hotel & Resort!
Swim! Fish! Eat! SPEND MONEY!
We Got Lotsa Sports & Fun Stuff.
“Ooooooo! This looks so cool!” Luffy catapulted himself off the ship, landing on top of the nearest billboard. He secured himself with one hand – his arm acting like a bungee cord as he let himself drop to inspect the sign. “Swimming?! I can really swim again?! I was the best at swimming before I ate the gum gum fruit!” He grinned as he raised his voice. “Gizao! Get out here and let's race!”
“I can go swimming?!” said Chopper. “Really, really? This is going to be amazing!”
“Chopper, can reindeer even swim?” said Zoro.
“I'm a human reindeer! I can swim! Though…” Chopper paused as he rubbed his hooves together nervously. “I've never actually swam before... is it hard?”
“You'll be super fine! I can teach you!” said Franky.
“Water for Devil Fruit users... now that's something I've never heard of before,” said Jinbe. “But it's very quiet for a resort island. Looks like no one is here except for us and the Kid Pirates.”
“That hippo building looks very tacky,” said Robin. “But I am curious about the water. I wonder if it's like a swimming pool? Or maybe it's a trap to drown Devil Fruit users?”
“Here she goes again with the terrifying scenarios...” muttered Usopp. “Chopper, you should stay away from the water here! It might be dangerous!”
“Awww, but I really wanna swim…”
“It has to be a trap,” said Nami. “It's far too good to be true.”
“So, you are cowards then?” said a familiar, rough voice.
The Straw Hat crew had been so busy with the mooring and disembarking that they hadn't noticed the two deckchairs on the wooden gangplanks. Eustass Kid and Killer were fishing. Killer was wearing a pink tanktop (emblazoned with a spaghetti-eating shark), bright blue Bermuda shorts, and his signature mask. Kid was dressed in three-quarter length yellow and red splodgy pants, an orange shirt, and an avocado-print bandanna.
Nami placed a hand on her hip. “It doesn't matter if I'm a coward or not! This place is way too sketchy! Any idiot can see that!”
“The inventor of this place is a pal of mine,” said Kid.
“Which makes it even sketchier!”
Kid rolled his eyes. “Mugiwara! Get over here! Why are you letting these numpties talk for you?”
“Oi! Don't talk to Nami-swan like that!” snapped Sanji.
“Hi Gizao!” Luffy swung himself from the billboard, landing right by the ice box in front of the two fishermen. “Caught anything tasty? Oooo! Can I eat that one?”
“Mits off!” Kid snapped the lid of the box shut.
“No fair! Sanji, can you catch me some fish?”
“It's a really good place for fishing,” said Killer.
“If this is such a safe and great place then why is there no one here?” said Usopp.
Kid rolled his eyes. “Salt told me she'd built a machine or summut that purifies water and adds chemicals that help Devil Fruit users to float. It's not officially open to the public, but yours truly here got you a VIP invite. And here you all are whining about it rather than thanking me! Fine! Off you fuck then if you're not interested!”
“Can... can we really swim?” said Chopper.
“It does work,” said Killer. “And since this place is so new, the marines don't know about it. No one knows about it.”
“Well, it does sound like a nice spot for a vacation,” said Brook. “Maybe I can work on my tan, yoohoohoo!
“We can trust Gizao,” said Luffy. “This seems like a great place!”
“Captain has spoken,” said Zoro. “Oi, Kid – is there a bar?”
“Yeah. In the main building up there.”
“Zoro, don't you dare wonder off alone!” said Nami. “Luffy, are you sure about this? I really don't think it's possible for Devil Fruit users to swim...”
“Hey, I’m telling you that it works!” said Kid.
“We can trust Gizao,” said Luffy with a grin. “We're in an alliance!”
“No, we are fucking not! I'm not Trafalgar! I'm not your friend either!”
“Then why did you invite us?” said Robin.
“Because... because... I want someone to swim against!”
“Killer not count?” asked Sanji.
“Someone I can crush!”
Luffy grinned. “Thanks for the invite, Gizao!”
“I'm not really interested in swimming,” said Brook. “But since this is a resort, maybe they have an onsen? Perhaps a mixed onsen?”
Sanji looked as if he was about to hyperventilate. “M-m-mixed...”
“There is an onsen,” said Killer. “And a sauna.”
“Not happening,” said Nami and Robin simultaneously.
“Don’t worry. It's separate sides for men and women.”
Sanji seemed to immediately deflate. “I knew this place was too good to be true,” he muttered.
“Boohoohoo…” Brook sounded depressed, “It was so close to being perfection…”
“It all sounds nice to me,” said Robin. “I'm looking forward to hearing more about the water.”
“I'll go get Salt,” said Kid. He started to pack up the fishing equipment. “You'll need to pay her the entry fee of fifteen thousand berry per crew member.”
“I knew there was a catch!” snapped Nami.
“I got you a discount! Now are you coming? Or is it gonna just be the Kid Pirates and the Hearts hanging out?”
“Torao!!”
Luffy bounded forward and then threw himself at his husband – wrapping his arms and legs around and around him. Law was wearing his spotted hat, white shorts and a yellow and pink hawaiian shirt.
“Did you miss me?” Luffy beamed.
“No,” said Law. But he said it with a smirk as he leaned his head against Luffy’s.
Kid prevented to vomit because they looked fucking disgustingly smitten. Fucking bastards.
He’d led the Straw Hat crew to the golden hippo building – where the Kid pirates and the Hearts were hanging out in various small groups; some sunbathing on the terrace, some playing pool in the bar area, and others making preparations to head off in a small buggy to play golf on the course at the back of the island.
Law had been sitting by the entrance, with his legs spread, his hands clasped and his eyes clearly drilled on the path leading to the harbour – but he’d stressed to Kid that he definitely was not waiting for Luffy. Definitely not.
Kid introduced Luffy’s crew to his pal – an ancient short granny with a beehive of dyed purple hair and dragonfly hair clips. She was called Salt and she slapped the shit out of anyone who dared comment on her age. Which meant that Luffy, Brook and Usopp were soon all nursing welts on the side of their heads.
“Now, don't think for one moment I actually like ability users,” said Salt, as she opened a map of the resort in front of them. “You're all freaks! But most of you are successful at whatever you do. i.e., most of you are loaded with treasure – and I deserve a nice retirement. So, I made this resort to make money.”
“Instead of spending money to make a resort, why didn’t you use the money to retire instead?” asked Nami.
“Because that would be boring! I like to live dangerously. And I also like chemicals and making weird things. Do you know how hard it was to make water that Devil Fruit users can swim in? I deserve some sort of major award.”
“So it really does work?” asked Jinbe.
“Yep. We got three pools: a lazy river, whirlpool pool, and the main pool – that are all suitable for Devil Fruit users. There's also a non-safe pool in case the normal people want to get away from the freaks. It's all safe for fishmen too, despite the chemicals. But the Devil Fruit pool water does taste a bit weird. Do not drink. Not recommended. We also got an onsen, sauna, golf course, jungle walk, climbing frames-”
“I can't wait!” said Luffy. “Granny! This is the best place ever! I wanna try everything! First has to be the swimming race! Torao and Gizao – we have to race!”
Law smirked. “I'll win, Luffy-ya.”
“Nope! It's gonna be me!”
“You're both gonna lose,” said Kid.
“What's the prize?” said Luffy. “What will I win?”
“Losers have to follow the winner's orders for a day,” said Kid. “Lick the floor. Bow before me. That sort of stuff.”
“Oi – no licking the floor or anything disgusting,” said Law.
“Ha! Worried because you already know you don’t stand a chance, Trafalgar?”
“No! Fine. Whatever. It doesn't matter – because I'll win and then it will be you, Eustass-ya, who licks the floor.”
“I’m gonna win!” said Luffy.
“Forget the floor,” said Kid. “If I win, you're both licking my ass.”
“Whoa, this is escalating!” said Franky. “You guys sure you don't wanna add ‘no homo’ to your conditions?”
“It doesn't matter because I'll be the one to win!” the three captains yelled simultaneously.
Thirty minutes later, the three captains had gathered at the edge of the main pool, which was located in a glass house just behind the main hippo building. The pool was a simple rectangular shape, but Salt’s chemicals had given it a purple, foggy tint. It was agreed that the race would be a simple two lengths. The crews had pulled up various chairs and loungers to watch. Bepo and some of the Hearts were doing a cheer dance.
Luffy had initially turned up naked – until Nami screamed at him. Reluctantly he’d covered himself with a Wano-style white loin cloth. Kid was in tight red trunks and Law was in a white and black swim cap and yellow swim shorts that had the Heart’s jolly roger splashed across his (flat) ass.
“Why does his entire wardrobe match?” muttered Nami.
“We've got a tailor on board,” said Ikkaku, standing beside her. “He's great. He does amazing bra fittings.”
“Ikkaku, sometimes I worry about you on that ship.”
“How many men on our ship do you think are straight? Wanna place a bet?”
“Ikkaku, darling. You know I love a good bet but in this case I think you’re trying to take advantage of me.”
“So...” Jinbe approached Killer. “How fair is this race going to be? Your crew has been here for days already so your captain will be used to the water.”
“Kid tested the pool. He swam around like a little kid for about an hour, but that's it. He said it wasn't fair to get in tonnes of practice. Worried we're going to try some devious tactics? I mean... we could if we really want to. But honestly – I kinda want a holiday. And Salt will kill us if a fight starts and the place gets trashed. I really hope we can all get along.”
“I'm down for a vacation,” said Usopp. “It's about time we got to relax.”
“Well, in that case it sounds like this will all be fun!” said Jinbe.
“Yeeeeeah,” said Penguin unenthusiastically. “Um...” He scratched his head.
“Something wrong?” said Killer.
“No... nothing.”
“Well, here we go. Looks like they are ready to start,” said Shachi. He handed Penguin a Heart pirates flag on a stick as he waved his arms in the air. “Go captain! Get them!”
Luffy was doing warm up stretches. He stretched his neck (all the way up to the roof the building), his arms (nearly taking out Kid's crew as he stretched too far), and then his legs and toes. “I was such a good swimmer as a kid! I've missed swimming!”
“You've swam before?” said Penguin.
“Duh! Everyone has! I was the best!”
Killed clapped his hands. “Rules! It's been agreed that there will be no abilities in the water. Mugiwara, no stretching or doping.”
“Dope – what?!”
“No cheating of any kind! No abilities of any kind!” said Killer.
“That means no pumping your blood faster you little cheat!” snapped Kid. “And Trafalgar – no teleport!”
“I don't need it,” said Law as he snapped a pair of goggles over his face.
“Is it really a race between pirates if there's no underhand tactics?” said Robin.
“Not really,” said Zoro.
“But it's for the best if we don't want the place blown up,” said Nami. “And I want a holiday. If anyone dares to screw up our first vacation in ages then I will make sure they are in debt for the rest of their lives! We have to all agree to keep our captains in line!””
“Let's all agree to get along and not cheat or stab each other in the back,” said Killer.
“That goes double for the Heart Pirates!” snapped Heat.
“Huh?!” said Shachi. “What's that supposed to mean?!”
“It means we all know you're the most devious, underhanded bunch here!”
“Devious...” said Shachi. “Stop it. You'll make me blush.”
“Captains, on your marks!” called Killer. “You’ll go on three. One, two… three!”
The three captains jumped into the pool.
The crews held their breaths.
“It works!” Luffy yelled as he surged forward like a fish “It really works! Weeeeeeeeee!”
“He's quick!” said Sanji. “Go, Luffy!”
“Great form!” said Jinbe. “Keep it up, Luffy-kun!”
“And Kid's quick too, even with one arm!” said Usopp. “Wow, they're both monsters!”
“Go Luffy!” called Chopper. “And then I want to try swimming!”
Robin frowned. “Wait... where's Torao-kun?”
“C-captain!” Bepo gasped.
Luffy and Kid were splashing forward – Luffy using a front crawl and Kid doing the butterfly – but Law was not beside them. Instead, there was a dark shape underneath the water at the starting end of the pool.
“C-c-c-captain! Swim! Swim!” Bepo yelled.
“Ah, fuck,” Penguin muttered. “Shachi!”
Penguin and Shachi leapt into the water.
“Kid! Mugiwara! Stop! Stop!” yelled Killer.
Law was slumped forward, head clasped in his hands as he coughed, coughed and coughed. Luffy hauled him into his lap. “Torao... Torao... Chopper! Do I need to give him mouth to mouth?!”
“He’s breathing,” said Chopper. “He’ll be fine.”
“And remember that the establishment is not responsible for any accidents,” said Salt. “You jump in the water and drown then that’s on you.”
“Chopper, are you sure he doesn’t need mouth to mouth? Maybe I should do it anyway?”
Kid rolled his eyes. “So that’s it, huh, Trafalgar? You pretended to drown so you could get some tongue action from Mugiwara? That’s pathetic. Normal people would just ask. You’re fucking married.”
“F-f-f-fuck off!” Law spluttered weakly in Luffy’s lap. He tried to sit up but he was quivering too much. Luffy dragged him back against his naked chest. “Eustass-ya…” Law’s voice was muffled against Luffy’s bulging pecs. “You lied about the water!”
“No, I didn't! Mugiwara and I were swimming fine! You shouldn't have turned into an anchor!”
“The water didn’t work!” Law repeated.
“My water works fine!” said Salt.
“The water is fine,” said Kid. “Trafalgar, what stroke were you doing? Crawl or breaststroke?”
“What?” said Law.
“What's your technique?”
“To swim?”
“Yes!”
Law paused – his face still buried against Luffy.
“Torao!” Luffy suddenly burst out laughing. “You don't know how to swim?!”
“Of course I do! It’s the damn water!”
Penguin sighed. “Captain, give it up. You’ve been found out.”
“It can’t be that hard!” snapped Law. “The water didn’t work! It was the water!”
“It worked fine. You’re the problem!” said Kid.
“Seriously… he can’t swim?!” said Usopp.
“Torao, you never told me that!”
“You can’t swim either!”
“I could before I ate my fruit!”
Penguin lowered his voice. “Captain was born in a landlocked country. And then he got his fruit before becoming a pirate. He has literally never swam. Ever.”
“Some people find it really difficult to swim,” said Jean Bart. “Especially lean people.”
Nami covered her mouth, but it wasn’t enough to hide her laughter. “He's such a smart ass but he can't swim! Oh, I am going to blackmail him for the rest of his life.”
“Nami, you’re so mean,” said Ikkaku.
“Such a harsh woman,” said Shachi. “Wanna go fifty-fifty? I've got tonnes more dirt on the captain.”
“I never share profit, Shachi.”
“Selling out the captain. Terrible,” said Penguin. “Let me in on this too.”
“I can fucking hear you!” snapped Law. “Go clean the Tang!”
“Captain!” Bepo ran forward, diving beside Luffy to wrap his fluffy arms around Law. “Captain! You did great! It was definitely the water! It looks really weird so I bet it’s hard to swim in!”
Killer sighed. “Roronoa, Bepo – what do you say we leave this to our captains? I think they need some space. How about you let the Kid Pirates and Hearts show your crew around the resort – since you guys just arrived.”
“Fine by me. Where’s the bar?” said Zoro.
“Captain – you shouldn’t worry about it,” said Bepo. “No one is perfect at everything. You’re perfect at lots of things, but swimming doesn’t need to be one of them – especially since you can’t swim anywhere but here.”
“Torao!” Luffy pulled Law back from Bepo to smush him against his chest again. “I can teach you to swim. Lemme teach you to swim! It will be fun! And then we can race!”
“No, I don't need you,” Law mumbled.
“You actually do need him. You suck,” said Kid. “We either agree a rematch, or we agree that you're the loser – which means that you have to lick mine and Mugiwara's asses. I am completely fine with you being the loser.”
“I'm not sharing my prize!” said Luffy.
“I'm no one's prize!” snapped Law.
“Keep telling yourself that, partner,” said Kid.
Law slumped back against Luffy’s chest – growling against his skin while Luffy beamed and patted his head.
For now, the swimming race was off. The crews occupied themselves elsewhere across the resort. Luffy stayed with Law. Kid hung around nearby – doing some maintenance on his arm and occasionally shouting lewd comments when the two other captains slopped over each other (which they did a lot). He told himself he wasn’t worried about Law. Afterall, it was the idiot’s own fault for agreeing to a swimming race when he couldn’t fucking swim!
(But maybe he felt a little bad about it... only a little though)
The number of visitors the resort could cope with was currently limited. There was a private dock at the back that could accommodate two ships (which is where the Polar Tang was docked – since Law didn't want his ship to be seen dead alongside the Punk Victoria), and the public dock could hold another four. The resort also only had a limited number of rooms ready for guests, which meant room sharing was a necessity for the three crews. Luffy had the bright idea of everyone drawing straws – claiming that it would be fun if the crews were mixed up.
“This is a sick joke, right?” said Kid. He stared at the coloured straw he’d pulled – which matched Law's and Luffy's.
Law glared at his crew but before he could open his mouth, Shachi made an x sign with his arms. “Love you, but no. And no, you're not bullying Bepo into swapping with you.”
“Yeah – cause this result is fucking hilarious!” laughed Penguin.
“You’re with Luffy and that’s a good thing, right?” said Bepo. “You’re always whining about how much you miss-”
“Bepo!” snapped Law. “Don’t say another a word!”
“Shishishi!” Luffy wrapped his arms around Law. “I miss you all the time too, Torao! I got the best straw! Sleepover with Torao! Yes!! Eh... but Gizao is there. Blergh. Gizao! Go room with someone else!” Luffy blew a raspberry.
Kid grinned as he tightened his grip on the straw. “Ha – no way! I've changed my mind. This is the best result!” said Kid. “Suck it up, boys! Your romantic night is now ruined... unless you let me join in!”
“You actually got the best room though,” said Killer. “You’ve got the deluxe suite so congratulations!”
“Gizao!! You’re not sharing with me and Torao!”
“Luffy, you came up with the idea of drawing straws,” said Nami. “Now deal with it. Quietly. You are not ruining this holiday for us all!”
“I’m going to sleep on the Tang,” Law muttered.
“Fine,” said Kid. “And I’ll enjoy having your husband all to myself in a sexy suite.” He wrapped his arm around Luffy's shoulders.
“Torao – don’t leave me with Gizao!”
“Luffy-ya, why don’t you sleep on the Tang with me?” snapped Law.
“But it’s a resort! I wanna stay here!”
Law sighed heavily. He could never say no to Luffy's pouting face. He pointed Kikoku at Kid. “If you try anything dumb then I will shambles your dick into the ocean!”
The deluxe suite had white marble flooring and murals of sea and sand on the walls. There was a lounge area with a pale blue velvet sofa and matching chairs, and then an archway leading to a bedroom with a massive four-poster bed. There was also a balcony with a hot tub on it – which all three captains quickly ended up sitting in with the temperature cranked to its sweltering maximum.
“First one to either pass out or get out is a loser,” said Kid.
“If I win, I share the bed with Torao,” said Luffy.
“If I win, I share the bed with your husband and you sleep on the sofa.”
“Not happening,” said Law. “This is dumb. It’s a stupid temperature. We’re going to get dehydrated.”
“Wuss,” said Kid.
“Stop acting like a kid!”
“Torao, we gotta win so we can share a bed.”
“You can share with Eustass-ya! I’m fed up with you idiots! I’m getting out.”
“Noooo, Torao!” Luffy’s arm snaked around Law, pulling him back into the water and to his chest.
Kid reached out of the hot tub to grab a bottle of wine from an ice bucket he’d dragged over before they’d jumped in the water. He drank heavily as he watched Luffy manhandling Law. “Hey, Mugiwara, fold him over the edge of the tub and fuck him. And let me watch.”
“Nope! Get your own husband!”
“Coward.”
“I’m not a coward! I’ll-”
Kid took another swig from the bottle. “You’re drowning him, by the way.”
When Luffy had pulled Law back into the hot tub, he’d also accidentally pulled Law’s head under the bubbling hot water.
“Torao!!”
Law gasped as his face was brought back up.
“Torao… I’m sorry!” Luffy puckered his lips and stretched them out towards Law.
Law shoved Luffy’s face away with his hand. “I’m done. I’m getting out.”
“Loser,” said Kid.
“Fuck you! You’re both losers for doing such dumb stuff!” Law grabbed a towel as he stepped out of the hot tub. Instead of wrapping it around his waist, he slung it over his head.
“Torao!” Luffy flopped dramatically over the edge of the tub like a depressed rubber mat. “’mmm sorry! I’ll make it up to you!”
“Leave me alone!”
“Your ass is so flat,” said Kid.
Law flipped him off as he stomped back into the suite. He slammed the door shut behind him.
Kid whistled. “He’s hot when he’s angry.”
“Oi! He’s mine!” said Luffy.
“Well, if you wanna share a bed with him then you gotta outlast me. I’m from South Blue. I can handle the heat. Can you? First one out is sleeping on the sofa! Last one out wins the hot doctor.”
They both sat in the water – glaring at each other. Luffy’s skin began to turn bright red. Kid cackled. He had this. He could win this.
And then something grabbed his leg under the bubbles. Luffy's hand.
“H-huh?!” Kid stared at Luffy – who was still glaring at him. The hand crept higher. Kid grinned. He didn't know what Luffy was planning but he could take this. “So... feeling a little frisky are we, Mugiwar-”
He didn’t get to finish. He suddenly couldn’t speak at all as the rubber hand slid higher – just below his balls – and clutched his skin hard enough to make Kid squeal. He leapt out of the hot tub, grabbing his dick and balls protectively.
Luffy thrust his arms into the air in triumph as he laughed. “I win.”
“W-what?! Huh?? That’s fucking cheating! You don’t grab another guy’s junk in the tub you sick bastard!”
“I didn’t. I grabbed your leg. You’re the one who got scared.”
“Fuck you!”
“Shishishi! Time to get out and see what Torao is doing!” Luffy jumped out of the tub and ran naked to the door.
But it wouldn’t open.
“Huh??!” Luffy shook the handle roughly. “Torao! You locked the door! Toraoooo!” He looked around – suddenly noticing that all the towels were gone too. “Torao! There's no towels! Torao! Open up! Torao!!” He shook the door hard.
“If you break that door down then Salt will kill us!” said Kid.
“Then what do we do? What if Torao passed out from the heat?! He might need help!”
“He’s fucking done this on purpose because we pissed him off!”
Kid peered over the balcony, looking left and right. “There’s two windows that lead back into the main room. We’ll have to climb round to them.” He banged on the door. “Trafalgar! Your ass is going to be so sorry when we get back in there!”
And so, Monkey D Luffy and Eustass Captain Kid – completely stark bollock naked – had to climb over the balcony and across the wall. They both swore and winced whenever they accidentally banged a nut or dick against the brickwork. The swearing intensified when they reached the first window and found it locked. They had to climb even further to reach the second one, which was very slightly ajar.
Luffy managed to shove a rubber finger through the gap. “Torao!” he called. “Toraoooooo!”
He stretched his finger and slowly levered the window open, but it was only a very small gap. Luffy grunted as he squeezed and wriggled through it – and Kid, who was much larger than Luffy, had an even harder time.
Law was draped on the massive bed; wearing a blue dressing gown that was draped so loose that it exposed his pecs and chest tattoo – and an almost criminal amount of thigh. Kid was willing to bet the sexy bastard had nothing on underneath it. He was lying lazily on his side with a book in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other.
“Oh?” Law looked up as Luffy and Kid both fell through the window, landing in a naked pile on the floor. He took a sip of wine. “I'm sorry, did I accidentally lock the balcony door? I didn't notice. You'll have to yell a bit louder next time.”
“Trafalgar!” snapped Kid. “Your ass owes me a threesome after that stunt!”
“Oh? I'd like to see you try to take me.”
Luffy suddenly inflated both of his fists to three times the size of his head. “Sure, we'll have a threesome, Gizao. Let's start with fisting. Bend over.”
Kid wanted to say ‘bring it’ but Luffy was insane. Insane enough to actually do this. Kid could feel the grin slipping from his face.
“Nope,” said Kid. “I'm way too chicken for your freaky shit.” Kid grabbed a towel and wrapped himself in it as he leapt onto the sofa. “G'night. But I’m gonna set up a denden mushi so that if you two decide to get it on, I have something to beat off to later.”
“I already found it with my ability and moved it out of the room,” said Law smugly. “Have fun tracking it down tomorrow.”
“Fuck you.”
“Nope! Shishishi! Fuck me!” said Luffy as he jumped onto the bed.
Law used shambles to move Luffy to an armchair and then downed his wine. “Nope. I am tired and I am going to sleep. Goodnight, boys.”
The next day, OTTtS began: Operation Teach Trafalgar to Swim.
They started in the shallow end of the main pool where their feet could touch the bottom.
“Torao, lie on your back to float like this!” Luffy spread himself like a starfish.
Law sat on the edge of the pool with his arms crossed. “I don’t float! If humans float then how do they drown?”
“How are you so dumb?” said Kid. “You’re a fucking doctor so you should know how bodies work! Humans fucking float! You’re just too tense!”
“Devil Fruit users don't float. They turn into anchors.”
“Not in this water! Everyone fucking floats in this water!”
“Torao, lie back on me.”
Kid grabbed Law's leg and dragged him into the water. Law shrieked like an angry cat as he flailed dramatically before seemingly remembering that he could just stand up.
“Mugiwara, fuck him in the water and see if that gets him to relax,” said Kid.
“Your obsession with us grows more disturbing every day!” snapped Law as he scraped the wet hair from his face. “You keep threatening to tell the newspaper, but how about if I tell the newspaper first – and also add in that Eustass Kid has a kink with wanting to watch us have sex!”
“No one will believe it. Far too crazy.”
“You do need to relax though, Torao,” said Luffy. “We’re on holiday. We don’t get to play around like this very often. And swimming is really fun!”
“It’s hard for me to relax when you’re so irritating!”
“Hey! I’m your husband!”
“An irritating, annoying husband!” Law cupped Luffy’s face between his hands and glared at him. Luffy beamed. And then suddenly they were kissing. Noisily.
Kid rolled his eyes. He raised his voice to call his best friend over. “Killer, bring me a beer! I can’t deal with this stuff sober.”
“Actually, I came to deliver something else that I thought you might like,” said Killer. He suddenly tossed three big inflatables into the pool – a pink flamingo, a blue dolphin and a red sea king.
It at least had the effect of detaching Luffy from Law’s mouth as he splashed after the toys. “These are amazing! I want the sea king!”
Kid grabbed the dolphin – because no way did he want to ride the pink one.
Law stared in disgust at the flamingo. “Oi, Luffy-ya! Swap!”
“No! I want the sea king!”
“I am not sitting on a flamingo!!”
“Pretend it’s Mingo and that we just beat him up.”
“And now you’re riding his ass before he drowns,” added Kid.
“No fucking thanks!” said Law. “You ride his ass! Gimme the dolphin!”
“Loser!” Kid swung himself up onto the dolphin and then used his legs to kick away from Law towards the deeper part of the pool where Law wouldn’t be able to follow.
“Captain, is this better?” Bepo suddenly tossed an inflatable polar bear to Law.
“Much better!” said Law. “See, Bepo understands me.”
“And for my next trick…” Bepo dived into the pool, grabbed the flamingo, threw it out of the water and then jumped up and kicked it hard enough to make it explode with an ‘aye-ya!’
Law and Luffy both clapped.
“Take that you stupid Mingo!” yelled Luffy.
“I think you two have issues,” Kid muttered.
For a while, they just floated on the inflatables. Kid remembered a resort in South Blue where the kids of tourists would play with toys in the pool. Of course, kids like Kid and Killer were never allowed in a place like that. They'd swam in the sea a lot – but the only toys they had was whatever they'd found in the trash. Kid had then learned to make his own toys.
But Trafalgar had never swam at all? Never?
Poor bastard. Every kid should get to swim in the sea. He watched the other captain floating on the polar bear. Law was lying on his stomach as he glomped the thing – seemingly gripping it for dear life to avoid drowning again.
“Trafalgar, did you really never swim?”
“The country was landlocked.”
“It’s never that far to a beach on any island.”
“North Blue countries don’t like one another.”
“They wouldn’t let you go to a beach?”
“No. And... there was an epidemic anyway, so no one was well enough to want to go to a beach.”
Kid felt he could ask more about that. But he also felt like he shouldn’t. This was supposed to be a vacation rather than a fucking pity party.
“Different story being a pirate though, right?” Luffy grinned. “We can go wherever we want!”
Law chuckled. “Apart from anywhere where there's too many marines.”
“Fuck them,” said Kid. “I go where I want and if marines stand in my way then I'm not responsible for the consequences. Trafalgar, you ain't scared of marines either. We go where the fuck we want. What’s the best island you ever went to?”
“Elephant- no, wait… Ummmm...” Luffy tilted his head. “I can’t pick. There's so many.”
“I've seen a lot of amazing places too. Penguin, Shachi and Bepo went crazy the first time we found an island with a hot climate.”
“You grew up in a cold place. Did you get sunburnt when you found a warm island?”
“What do you take me for? I'm too smart for that.”
“I like this island,” said Kid. “Never thought I’d swim again.”
Again, they floated for a while.
“So... there's another reason I asked you to come here,” said Kid.
“Going to tell us it's all a trap and that the water doesn't work? And that it was all an elaborate way to try and kill me?” said Law.
“If I wanted to kill you I could do it with far less effort. You're the moron who likes the weirdly elaborate plans. I just like crushing stuff.”
“Me and Gizao do the crushing and Torao makes the fancy plans for other people to follow,” said Luffy. “We make a great alliance!”
Kid sighed and was about to tell Luffy to fuck off but they were getting off topic. Instead, he gritted his teeth to avoid swearing at him and took a deep breath. “So, what do you both think of this place?”
“What about it?” said Law.
“It’s the best!” said Luffy.
“But there is a problem,” said Kid. “The water is a really smart invention. Some people might want it. The whole place is just screaming to be occupied by some trash pirates.”
“Like us?”
“No, Luffy-ya. You’re not trash. Eustass might qualify though.”
Kid kicked the polar bear inflatable. Law shrieked beautifully as he slipped into the water. He thrashed and then suddenly… he was moving.
“Torao! You're swimming!”
Until Luffy landed on him in delight and nearly drowned him again.
“One, two, three!” Robin called.
The three captains jumped into the water – and swam.
“Draw!” said Nami as they reached the end of the pool.
“Again? Fuck off!” snapped Kid.
“She’s right,” said Robin.
Robin, Nami and Ikkaku were lounging by the side of the pool drinking wine and cocktails while the captains swam. Some of the Heart and Kid pirates nearby were laughing in a card game in between shouting words of encouragement to their respective captains.
“Off you again,” said Killer. “Three, two, one...”
“Captain! You can do it!” Bepo called.
Ikkaku sipped on the straw of her coconut cocktail. “Nami, dear. Robin, dear,” she said. “Your captain has won three times. Kid has won once.”
“I thought you'd like it if we gave your captain a fighting chance to improve.” Nami sipped her own cocktail. “More importantly, don't all of us feel so much safer knowing those idiots are confined to that pool wearing themselves out, rather than yelling at each other, fighting and possibly destroying this beautiful place in the crossfire?”
“Good point. I like the way you think.”
The three ladies raised their drinks in a toast. The other crew members nearby cheered as they raised their own drinks. All three crews were united: they were having a holiday – no matter what it took to keep their captains out of trouble.
“Come on, Captain!!” Bepo hollered before lowering his voice. “You gotta win at least once....”
“I’m sooooooo tired!”
“I hate it here.”
“You're both losers.”
The three captains were hanging at the side of the pool with their upper bodies flopped bonelessly against the tiles while they all struggled for breath.
“I’m not happy with this, but it’s a draw,” Luffy muttered.
“I’m not accepting that.”
“I won't either!”
“Torao...” Luffy grinned at his husband. “Do you actually want a threesome that badly?”
“Did we actually agree on that happening based on whoever won?”
“One more race,” said Kid. He propped himself up on his quivering arms. “We are definitely having one more race...”
“No. Can’t move,” said Luffy.
“Neither can I,” said Law.
Kid stared. “You bastards were just teasing me!” He kicked his leg to try and splash them with the water – but he didn't have any energy left so the spray was pathetic. “Tomorrow! We race again tomorrow!”
“Every day while we are here!” said Luffy. “This place is great!”
“Oi, Eustass-ya – when does it officially open?”
“Soon, I guess.”
Law turned his head to face Kid. “I know why you asked us here. It's not about a holiday. When this place opens, people will go crazy. There will be loads of pirates here.”
Kid sighed. “And some will be trash...” He'd spoken with Salt about the dangers of this place, but she really wanted to turn it into a popular resort.
There was one solution that could work though...
And he didn't need to speak it out loud because Law had already figured it out.
“You want to use our jolly rogers to protect this place,” said Law.
“Hmmmm?” Luffy looked up. “Mine or Torao's?”
“All three,” said Kid. “Mine. The Straw Hats. The Hearts. No one will dare touch this place.”
Kid's name carried a lot of weight, but using all three flags? The resort would be untouchable.
Luffy suddenly found the energy to leap out of the pool and thrust his arms into the air. “Pirate alliance!!”
“No it's fucking not,” said Kid. “Just... just...”
Law was smirking at him.
“Bah!” snapped Kid. “Whatever! I don't care!”
It was late by the time they returned to the suite. There had been dinner – and a party. And too much alcohol. Kid threw himself into the middle of the bed. “Fuck the sofa. It's too small and the bed is big enough for three. Cope.”
“I don't care,” said Law as he flopped on the edge.
“Nah, it’s definitely not big enough,” said Luffy. “Torao… There’s just not enough room so I’ll have to sleep like this.” He fell on top of Law.
The surgeon of death gave a chuckled as he pulled Luffy close for a wet kiss.
Kid rolled on his side to face them. “If you two fuck then I am gonna lie here and watch.”
Law kissed Luffy on the mouth and then smirked at Kid. “You can watch.” He kissed Luffy again – slower and deeper.
“Huh? Really?!” Kid cackled. “I knew you'd warm up to me!”
“Torao, are you sure?” Luffy murmured.
Law smiled. “Luffy-ya… can you use your ability on me? You know what I'm talking about...””
“All right…”
The air seemed to fizz as Luffy slowly turned into that white form of his – his hair lengthening and shivering as if it was made of clouds. His clothes turned white too and his skin seemed to soften – looking even more stretchy than usual.
Kid swallowed as Luffy gently cupped Law's face with one hand. He could feel something change, as if power had flowed into Law. Law's skin looked... different. Pliable. Rubbery.
His awakened ability could turn other people to rubber too?
Rubber Law.... oh god imagine bending that fucking twink into the most amazing positions...
Luffy inflated his fist until it was three times bigger than his head. Law opened his mouth. His jaw stretched. And stretched. And stretched... until Luffy's gigantic fist fit inside him.
And Kid could only stare in dumbstruck horror at the weird way Law's face had warped hideously to fit that fucking massive fist in. The boner that had started to bulge in his pants shrivelled. Did his ass distort like that as well when he took Luffy up there? There was a weird feeling at the back of his throat.
“I think I’m gonna puke...” said Kid.
Law pulled Luffy’s fist from his mouth and then reached over and patted Kid’s shoulder. “And that’s why you shouldn’t try to play with things that you’re not ready for.” He smirked as he kissed Luffy on the lips and wrapped his arms around him. “Goodnight, Eustass-ya.”