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There was a time when I couldn’t see anything aside of figure skating. All of my life was consumed by it: days were used for training and nights dreaming of training and new programs or music to go with said programs. I didn’t enjoy anything else, partly because I loved to skate, but even more because I didn’t have anything else beside it. My “family” wasn’t really there for me (more like never) and I didn’t make a lot of friends when all I could focus on was figure skating. I dedicated all my free time to the sport and it was seen as a girly sport, resulting in some bullying and isolation.
So I skated and skated again, until I was perfect. Well, perfect in the eyes of everyone else, because I couldn’t feel perfect with myself, not when I was this lonely. Sure, with time, I made some “friends” at the rink, like Georgi and Mila, but they were more like acquaintances than real friends. Yakov was more like a grumpy uncle who took me in when everyone else turned their back to me. Skating was the only thing that brought a spark in my life. I didn’t know how to do anything else.
Even then, after many years in competitive skating, I was tired and no longer inspired. But I pushed and pushed to stay there, because there was nothing else for me. I couldn’t picture myself doing anything else, as I was all alone outside of the rink.
What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.
It was like being exhumed, I answered. And
brought to life in a flash of brilliance.
When Yuuri entered my life, it was like a maelstrom. I didn’t know where I would end, but I was whisked away without warning. I didn’t recognize him before the banquet, and I was a bit dumbfounded with his reaction. Normally, fans would be overly enthusiastic to have a celebrity acknowledging them, but this boy (or man, he couldn’t be sure) looked desperate and devastated when I talked to him.
It stuck with me for the rest of the day, until I went to the banquet where I saw him for the second time. I didn’t realize he was in the Grand Prix Final. Truth be told, I didn’t watch others’ performances live. I watched them after the competition, where I analyzed them with Yakov. Anyway, at that time, nobody was really near my skills, so I could escape the stress of watching everyone else’s performance if I performed well.
But this man (now I was sure) looked so sad after I talked to him, and still at the banquet he didn’t look good. I kept an eye on him all through the evening, seeing him downing his first, second, third… well, his sixteenth glass of champagne before going to see Yuri for a dance battle. He seemed pretty inebriated but still sure of his footing, enough to destroy Yuri in front of everyone. I found myself smiling and laughing truly for the first time in forever. Watching Yuri get back to his seat, muttering profanities under his breath made me laugh harder than it ever did. It was exhilarating and I couldn’t care less of appearance, it was too late anyway.
So I started to dance with the man, flamenco and some other dances, just enjoying and being lead with fun and lighthearted laughs. For the first time, I saw the man smile freely, and I couldn’t help but be whisked away by the freedom in his movements and happiness in his eyes.
When he asked me to be his coach, I couldn’t help but fall for him. All he made me feel that day, doubt, sadness, curiosity, happiness and freedom brought me back to life in a flash of brilliance. I couldn’t wait for more.
What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I
replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.
When I left Russia for Japan, I knew I did it for Yuuri (the man’s name as I learned later on) but also for myself. I felt barely nothing before that banquet and that man moved me all by himself in only one night. I could stay true to my promise to him and learn how he could make me feel something when I went almost twenty years without as much as a spark.
I came to Japan to a terribly shy Japanese man. Gone were his sexiness and courage, leaving a calm and quiet young skater. I didn’t mind though, it could only be awesome to see a man like him show his true Eros to the world. I couldn’t wait to see him perform for the world. I felt exhilarated for someone else and I got surprised by it. When was the last time I really felt something as strong as I did for Yuuri? I really couldn’t recall being this involved in someone else.
I knew what I felt for him was more than casual friendship, after he told me at the beach he only wanted me to be Victor, not a celebrity, not a role model, not a friend. Something like that never happened to me: people wanted to see the celebrity and if I tried to be myself, they made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I hid myself behind a fake smile and polite answers for twenty years. Yuuri was the first to try to pry this mask away. He genuinely wanted to see what was behind it. I fell for him harder than I was already.
He never really made moves on me. I was overly affectionate, but he almost never reciprocated. I was worried that he didn’t like me as much as I liked him, but progressively he returned my touches and stopped flinching when I hanged all over him, just smiling fondly. It wasn’t nearly enough for me, but I could wait. If it was for Yuuri, I could wait forever.
When he changed his jump component and did a quadruple flip at the end of his free skate in China, I knew he was calling me. Even if we just had a fight (I don’t have a lot of experience with emotions, as I’ve been alone most of my life), I knew he wanted to continue on his path with me. I couldn’t help myself and kiss him in front of the world.
He never pushed me further than I was willing to go, and I did the same for him. It was like I was heard after a lifetime of silence. Screaming and never heard, now I found my light to fight the darkness. Together, we were strong enough to face the world.
What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow.
There was a long pause before I answered:
It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to
me – all at once.
After Yuuri and I retired, we started to coach young skaters. We did it mostly together, because we knew how each other worked and we were quite complementary with our skills. However, it wasn’t always possible, and sometimes we found ourselves continents apart. I remember one year when I was still in Russia coaching Yurio for his final year (he still had time, but I recommended him to stop before his knees ache like mine did. He muttered a bit under his breath, but I knew he loved things aside of figure skating and wouldn’t risk them over his beloved sport) and Yuuri was over Canada to teach some youngling JJ had told us about. Truly, he had talent and was very similar to Yuuri when I started to coach him: nervous, but with fire inside. Yuuri wanted to give him a chance, even if that would mean behind on the other side of the world for at least a year.
I knew he did it because of the potential the young skater had, but he left me behind all the same. I didn’t really liked being alone in our shared apartment in St. Petersburg, now that Maccachin wasn’t there anymore. It felt wrong, just how I lived before Yuuri came into my life. It wasn’t the first time we were apart, but it was the longest time we did since we were together.
Every night I came home after a long day at the rink, where I worked myself and Yurio to the ground in hope to just crash to sleep, waiting for tomorrow to come. I didn’t want to see the emptiness in our apartment now that I was alone again and nothing could make me feel better than having Yuuri beside me. Seeing the other side of the bed empty was one of the worst sight I had ever seen and I found myself crying more often than not when I got to bed.
We tried to chat and speak daily, but the time difference was hard to overcome. I knew deep inside me that Yuuri loved me very much, but not seeing him every day, smiling and talking with stars in his eyes was hard. I found myself smiling less and less with time, to a point where even Yurio got worried about my health. I found it hard to eat and sleep when Yuuri wasn’t there, like I was becoming less Victor and more façade each passing day.
I was waiting eagerly for Yurio’s and Yuuri’s student’s placement for the GPF, hoping I could see my beloved sooner than later. However, Yurio was given Skate America and the Cup of China, while Yuuri was going to NHK Trophy and the Rostelcom Cup. As soon as the placements were out, Yuuri called me. He didn’t say much, but just hearing his breathing made me realize how hard it was for him too. I wasn’t the only one who had a hard time living with long-distance relationship. We just hoped we would see each other at the GPF and dreamed about that time, so close but so far away at the same time.
When the call ended, I started crying. I was happy Yuuri called me, but I was overwhelmed by the distance between us. I needed him close to me, more than I ever needed anything. I swore to myself that it was the only time we would be that far apart from each other, because those moments were like hearing every goodbye ever said to me – all at once. I couldn’t bear anymore.
Yuuri’s student and Yurio made it to the GPF. I was happy for them, but I couldn’t hide my joy and happiness. I would see my beloved for the first time in what felt like forever. I ditched Yurio as soon as possible – while still looking somewhat polite – to run to the airport and wait for Yuuri. I couldn’t wait anymore: I needed to see my love now. I looked for his flight number and waited for him.
I saw him first. He looked paler than I remembered and tired, but he was so beautiful in my eyes that I couldn’t care less about dark circles and pale skin. I just whimpered and ran to him, no caring about anything or anyone else there. We would probably be on the news soon, but I didn’t care at all. When I made a sound, Yuuri’s head whipped and his eyes watered when he saw me. He dropped his luggage and opened his arms for me. We almost toppled over with how hard I slammed into him, but he managed to keep us up. We just buried each other’s head into each other’s shoulders and breathed. It was like coming home: the earthy, sweet scent of Yuuri anchored me back to reality. It was like all the sorrow I felt for a year was gone in an instant.
After some time, I raised my head and cupped his cheeks. There were unshed tears in his eyes and I couldn’t help but make a wobbly smile to him.
“Never again, okay? I can’t take something like that anymore.”
Yuuri whimpered and bit his lips when he heard my voice, head falling to my shoulder to hide his tears. He breathed deeply a couple of times, before looking back into my eyes.
“Never again. Stay close to me and never leave?” he asked, smiling lightly.
Closing my eyes, I kissed him slowly before putting my forehead against his.
“Yes, God, yes. I’ll never leave again and neither will you.”
Distance was hard and I learned that we weren’t built to live without each other with this year. After that GPF, Yuuri never left my side again. That was all I could ask of Life: to give me a Love that would never leave and never fade.