Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“C’mon, please?”

“No.”

“But... Dan,” Phil whines, dragging the word out for about three extra syllables.

Dan huffs from where he’s sat watching a video compilation of very cute animals open on his laptop instead of the Common Law assignment that he’s supposed to be working on. They’d ended up at his place for once, and Dan always found it harder to work when he was in his own bedroom. He’d actually intended to do nothing but take a depression nap today, but Phil wanted to see him, and Dan was still so, so weak for him. So against his better judgment, he allowed Phil to come over, on the premise of doing work together. Or as together as working separately on their own projects in the same room would imply.

“It won’t take very long,” Phil pleads.

Dan rolls his eyes. He kicks his foot out to where he believes Phil’s chest to be, smirking when he hears an “oof” and his toes come into contact with hard flesh. “I’m lazy. I don’t feel like getting up and preening myself for you.”

He feels a sharp pain around his toe then, and jerks his head around to glare at Phil, who, curiously, is chomping on his big toe. Dan wiggles his foot away with a huff, but Phil only smiles. “You don’t have to do anything. You look fine.”

“I look like I just got hit by a bus, Phil,” Dan says in a completely deadpan tone of voice.

He’s not expecting it, so he’s surprised when he feels a hand on his bum. It doesn’t take him more than a second or two to relax into it, though, given that he and Phil have been touching each other’s bums for weeks now. And honestly, Dan can’t help the physical reaction his body has to touches like that, even as gentle and innocent as they are.

“Are you trying to wind me up?” Dan asks, abandoning the dog video to lie his head on his arms, giving into the pleasure of Phil’s gentle touches.

“No,” Phil says. It sounds like he’s smiling though, so Dan’s not sure if he’s lying or not. “Let me take your photo.”

Dan whines. “You’ve taken so many. And you already said this isn’t for your project.”

Phil’s hand slips closer to the cleft of Dan’s ass, and Dan’s breath catches. “Please?” Phil says softly. “I promise I’ll give you the best treat afterwards,” he says, his voice slipping into something else, something much naughtier.

“Ugh,” Dan groans. “Fucking fine. But you’re going to rim me, and fuck me after this,” he says sharply as he sits up, leaving no room for arguments.

Phil grins and gives Dan’s ass one last good squeeze. Horny bastard. “Sure. Move your desk chair over by the window, okay?”

Dan grumbles, but does as he’s asked. It seems kind of weird for Phil to ask him to take his photo for a reason other than his project, and even stranger for Phil to pose him for it. Sure, Dan whines about it, but over the past few weeks, he’d occasionally catch Phil taking sneaky photos of Dan without his permission. These would usually be with his phone, though, not his camera. Normally he’d ask Dan explicitly before taking photos with his professional camera, so the request itself isn’t strange necessarily, but asking to take photos that aren’t for his project... has Dan a little bit suspicious.

“Here?” Dan asks, situating the chair against the wall adjacent to his open window.

“Mhm, that’s good,” Phil replies. When Dan looks over at him, Phil is rummaging through Dan’s closet carefully.

“What’re you looking for?” Dan asks, flopping onto the chair to watch Phil mess about.

Phil hums like he didn’t hear Dan, but then he makes a pleased noise. “This,” he says, tugging a grey-knit jumper off the hanger. Dan flushes when he sees it. It’s not actually his jumper, and surely Phil has noticed that it had gone missing from his own wardrobe at some point, especially since he seemed to have been looking specifically for it in Dan’s closet.

“Er...” Dan starts, trying to come up with an excuse for why he had it other than the fact that it smelled like Phil.

Phil smirks at him, like he can read Dan’s mind and just knows how embarrassed he is right now, which he can’t possibly. At least he’s gracious enough not to mention it at all, instead stepping in front of Dan and reaching for the bottom of his t-shirt. “Arms up,” he says, as if Dan is a toddler.

“I can dress myself,” Dan mumbles petulantly, even as he obeys.

“I know,” Phil grins. He tosses the shirt across the room, and Dan doesn’t even bother protesting his messy behavior. Instead he allows Phil to tug the jumper over his head, guiding his arms through the sleeves gently. “Perfect,” Phil says softly once Dan’s head has emerged. He’s got an affectionate look in his eyes as he runs a hand through Dan’s hair, settling the curls back into place no doubt, and then steps away, leaving Dan feeling cold and a little breathless.

“No kiss?” Dan blurts before he can stop himself. Phil turns to give him a look, one eyebrow quirked, but Dan holds his ground, trying to ignore how hot his face feels.

Phil studies him for a second, then huffs out a laugh before stepping back into Dan’s space again. “Needy,” he whispers as he cups Dan’s cheeks, tilting his face up to press their lips together. It’s brief, more so than Dan would’ve liked, but when he tries to chase after Phil’s lips, the older man tuts. “You can have more later, let me take your photo while the lighting is still good.”

Dan pouts. He knows it makes him look like an angry toddler, but he can’t really help it. “Fine,” he mumbles. He shrugs until the sweater slips off his shoulder a bit, turning to give Phil what he hopes is convincing bedroom eyes. From Phil’s responding smirk, it works, but barely.

“You’re cute,” Phil tells him.

“I know,” Dan says, cheeky. He can feel his dimple caving his cheek and he’s not surprised when he hears the camera shutter. Phil’s so predictable sometimes. “Do you need these to be serious?” Dan asks.

Phil smiles at him from behind the camera. “I just want you to be yourself.”

Dan snorts. “So that’s a hard no, then.” He flicks a curl out of his face, dropping the smile into something more neutral.

Another click of the camera, and then Phil sighs. “You’re so pretty.”

And Dan really can’t help the way his body reacts to that. “Do you want to finish these photos? Because I’m gonna need you to stop flirting if you do.”

Phil laughs, but nods. “Fine. Look at me?”

Dan obeys, and Phil takes several photos consecutively, and Dan tilts his head in increments, trying to make sure there’s a little spice in each photo. This goes on for a while, Phil requesting that he look away or angle his body differently, but eventually Dan is tired of it.

“Are you finished?” Dan asks, dropping his shoulders and looking up at Phil pleadingly. “Because I’m really tired of sitting here.”

“Almost,” Phil says. “Just... turn towards the window for me.”

Dan sighs deeply, but listens, turning towards the open window and gazing out at the setting sun with what is probably a look of boredom on his face. Phil takes in a sharp breath, and Dan can’t help but glance over at him. “What?” He asks softly. The moment feels like that, soft and somehow fragile.

“You...” Phil pauses, glancing down at the camera then back up at Dan. “You just look really beautiful in the sun. It makes your eyes glow.”

The compliment swirls into Dan’s chest, soaking his heart in something sweet and thick, but his instinct is to run away from that feeling. “Yeah right. My shit eyes that match my boring generic hair. Are we done now?”

Phil’s got an odd look on his face as he goes to set the camera down, and Dan barely has time to stand before Phil is pulling him to the bed and pushing him to the mattress. “Lie back,” he murmurs.

Dan is eager to obey, and even more eager to finally feel Phil’s body against his after so many hours without it. He pushes himself up the bed until his head comes into contact with the pillow, making himself comfy there while Phil strips off his shirt, followed by his joggers, leaving him in nothing but his pants. “Are you gonna help me with mine?” Dan asks with a smirk, lifting his hips up in invitation.

Phil surprises him when instead of complying, he shakes his head as he crawls towards Dan on the bed, tossing a leg over his waist and settling in atop his hips. He presses his hands to Dan’s chest, stroking his thumbs over Dan’s nipples, still covered by the borrowed sweater. “You can take it off,” Dan says softly. He’s not sure what’s going through Phil’s head, but he wants to reach him on the other side of whatever is bothering him.

“You know, you’ve got the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen,” Phil says, ignoring him entirely.

Dan feels himself blushing and looks away, clearing his throat awkwardly. “Sure,” he says. He’s never felt so naked, fully clothed under Phil’s watchful gaze.

“It’s true,” Phil says, giving Dan a look that is somehow both fond and stern. “Would I lie to you?”

Dan snorts. It’s a weighted question, and it isn’t. Phil doesn’t mean anything by it, but Dan finds himself wondering, as he sometimes does when he’s got Phil’s body on or around his... is he hiding something? Is he feeling anything comparable to what Dan feels for him? Probably not, Dan thinks, because surely he’d notice that. But sometimes he wonders.

He doesn’t voice any of this. Instead, he reaches a hand out to tug at a flopping bit of hair that’s fallen out of Phil’s quiff. “You lied about taking my last biscuit the other day,” he says, matter-of-factly.

Phil’s mouth opens in a silent protest, but his rosy cheeks tell the truth. “I... okay, maybe I did do that, but we both knew you weren’t going to eat it.”

Dan rolls his eyes, pushing his hand through Phil’s hair and tugging him down for a kiss. Phil goes, but trails his lips away from Dan’s much sooner than he’d like, kissing a line across his jaw and up towards his temple. He doesn’t stop there, and instead he kisses over Dan’s eyebrows, down the bridge of his nose, then back, pressing featherlight kisses to Dan’s closed eyelids. It’s almost a weird sort of massage, and Dan can’t help but laugh just a little. “Not my lips, bub,” he says.

Phil huffs, his breath blowing across Dan’s face and making him giggle even more. “Look at me,” Phil commands softly. When Dan opens his eyes, Phil smiles sweetly. “There they are. My favorite eyes.”

Blushing, Dan swats gently at Phil’s chest. “Shut up. You sound like a weird eye fetishist.”

Phil rubs his thumb over Dan’s eyebrow. “Maybe I am,” he says ominously. “Or maybe I’m just a guy who is tired of hearing negative self talk about his favorite person.”

Dan squirms underneath him, his whole body feeling suddenly very hot. He pushes his face into the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut so he doesn’t have to look at Phil’s face when he says, “I’m not.”

“Hm?”

Dan huffs. He squints up at Phil with one eye and Phil’s face is hazy, which makes it easier to reply. “I’m not actually your favorite person,” he mumbles.

“Aren’t you?” Phil says, catching Dan off guard. “My mistake, I thought I was spending all this time with you because you’re my favorite. I guess I’m just spending time with you because I secretly want to eat you.” He pretends to chomp down on Dan’s arm, and Dan can’t help but giggle.

“Cannibal,” Dan says with far too much affection.

Phil leans in and kisses him, slow and soft. He sneaks in a cheeky nibble on Dan’s bottom lip and then pulls just slightly away, pushing his forehead gently against Dan’s. “Can I say something selfish?”

Dan’s stomach twists with nerves, but he nods. “Of course,” he murmurs.

Phil kisses him again, slowly trailing across his cheek, up to his ear. “I’m really glad that I get to have you like this. And I hope that for now, I’m the only one who does.”

It takes Dan a minute to process how that makes him feel. On the one hand, he’s pleased that Phil still enjoys this thing they’re doing, but on the other... Well, Dan thinks if Phil asked him, he’d probably give himself over to him indefinitely. But then Dan considers the other part of what Phil said.

“Wait,” Dan says, sitting up a little to look Phil in the eyes. “You know that I’m not...”

Phil looks at him carefully, quirking an eyebrow. “Not what?”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Sleeping with anyone else.”

“You’re not?” Phil sounds pleased, and Dan wants to shake him. If he’s that happy that Dan isn’t sleeping with anyone else, then why won’t he just call this what it is? Dan thinks it’s fair to say that this definitely goes beyond a casual friends-with-benefits situation now. Exclusivity makes that hard to deny.

“Just you,” Dan says. It comes out softer than he’d intended. He hardens his voice a little when he says, “Why, did you think I was sleeping with a bunch of other people?”

Phil looks embarrassed, and a little hurt. “No, of course not. I mean- not that you couldn’t. I honestly couldn’t believe my luck when I found out you were gay and single.” He brushes a hand through Dan’s hair, a fond look in his eyes. “I’m still surprised that someone else hasn’t tried to snatch you up.”

Dan pretends like he isn’t blushing from the compliment and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, because I’m such a catch.”

“You are, actually,” Phil tells him sincerely. “But on a much more shallow level, you’re gorgeous, and there’s a lot of guys out there that I’m sure would agree.”

Covering his face, which in no way hides the blush, Dan groans. “Stop it,” he whines.

“It’s true,” Phil says, unbothered by how embarrassed Dan clearly is. “Just wait. When we go clubbing with my brother this weekend, I guarantee you that you’ll have a line of suitors.” Phil’s grinning as he says it, but Dan knows that he actually thinks that what he’s saying is true.

“Right. Maybe I’ll finally meet my Prince Charming,” Dan says sarcastically.

It’s immediately evident that Phil doesn’t like that. His face twists, and he looks away from Dan’s face, sitting back and putting some distance between them. “Maybe,” he says, sounding far less than enthusiastic.

Dan gently pinches his hip. “I’m kidding, idiot.”

Phil blinks down at him. “Oh. Okay.” That smile creeps back on his face, and god, Dan just loves him- his smile. He loves his smile.

He loves it so much that he can’t help but surge up to press his lips to that beautiful smile, licking into his mouth when Phil parts his lips. “Mm,” Dan hums, reaching around and pulling Phil in closer with a firm grip on his ass. “C’mere,” he whispers.

Phil lays his body flat over Dan’s so that every inch of their bodies are pressed together, but pulls his face away before Dan can flip them over like he wants to. “Promise you’ll come home with me,” Phil breathes into the space between their mouths.

“What?” Dan asks, confused. “Like, tonight? Aren’t you spending the night here?”

“Not tonight,” Phil replies quickly. Dan can feel the pout on his mouth, and Phil shakes his head, scrunching his eyes shut tightly like he’s not saying the right thing. “I mean, yes, I’m staying tonight. But, no, I meant… promise you’ll come home with me Friday, after we go clubbing with my brother.” His eyes open, and they’re sharp, focused in a way they weren’t a few minutes before.

Dan feels frozen in place, and his mind is racing as he tries to understand why this matters so much to Phil. Dan just assumed they’d go home together, or else he’d go home alone to watch some anime, wishing he was with Phil the whole time. “Sure,” he answers softly. “Where else would I be?” He tries to smile and make it sound like playful ribbing, but Phil still has that intense look on his face.

Phil tucks his face into Dan’s neck, and Dan thinks he’s kissing him until he hears what sounds like mumbling.

“Hm?” Dan hums, nudging him. “I can’t hear you, babe.”

“I said,” Phil huffs, pulling away just enough to mumble into Dan’s ear. “What if you really do meet someone?”

Dan’s heart stops, he’s sure of it. Surely this is it. Phil is going to commit. That has to be it. “Well…” Dan says slowly. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

Phil tilts his head back to stare at him. “Why not?”

Surely he can’t be this daft, Dan thinks.

“Well, because…” he struggles to think of something that isn’t as blatantly obvious as “I’ve already met someone, and it’s you, and I think I love you.” As much as Dan wants to, he knows that he’s just not ready to say that out loud. But a little nudge from Phil could certainly persuade him that way, he thinks.

Phil is still looking at him expectantly, and Dan just shrugs, looping his arms around Phil’s shoulders and dragging him in for another kiss. “I’m not looking for anything right now,” he finally settles on.

“Oh,” Phil says slowly. “Like… not looking for anything else?”

Dan swallows hard. “Yeah,” he says with a nod.

He wants Phil to ask for elaboration, so they can actually talk about this, but instead he just smiles and leans back in, kissing gently down Dan’s chest. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Dan echoes. His breath hitches when Phil latches onto his nipple, licking gently over the little nub until it hardens, sinking his teeth in gently when it does. Dan hisses at the feeling.

“Too much?” Phil asks, staring up at him with intense eyes.

“No, it’s good,” Dan says, petting Phil’s hair and gently guiding him to the other, forgotten nipple. Phil just barely scrapes his teeth across it, and Dan shivers. “Fuck. That’s so good, babe.”

Phil sits up then, much to Dan’s disappointment. “I want to show you something.”

“Er… okay? In like… a sexy way, or…” Dan trails off, his face heating up at the very idea.

“No,” Phil is quick to say, shaking his head with red cheeks. “No, just-“ He shuffles so that he’s mostly off of Dan’s lap, and Dan watches curiously as he digs into the drawer of the bedside table that doesn’t house their lube.

Phil’s lube, a traitorous voice in Dan’s mind reminds him unhelpfully. It’s not shared.

“Okay. Promise you won’t get angry?” Phil says timidly, holding what looks like a small poster close to his chest.

Dan narrows his eyes. “I’m not promising anything until you’ve told me what you’ve done.”

Phil looks at him helplessly, and there’s a genuinely shine of fear in his eyes, one that makes Dan worry. “Okay… just. Please don’t be angry. You don’t have to promise, but…”

“Why would I be angry?” Dan asks, softening his voice a little.

Phil holds out the paper wordlessly.

Dan takes it gingerly, as if it’s a bomb just waiting to go off. He reads over it carefully, and even then, it takes him a second to process it. “Okay… this is just the poster for that play I said I’m not doing.” Dan quirks an eyebrow. “Am I meant to be angry that you got this, or…?”

Phil lets out an uncomfortable little almost-laugh. “Umm. Not quite. You see, they put the link to the sign up website on here, and I may have… um…” Phil’s wringing his hands nervously, staring at Dan with wide, pleading eyes.

Suddenly, everything clicks.

“You didn’t.”

“Um.”

“Phil,” Dan sighs, placing the poster to the side and rubbing his face. He’s not even sure yet what he feels about it, but he knows that he should be angry. This should feel like an invasion of privacy, a crossing of lines. But…

“I know you miss acting, Dan. And you don’t even have to go to the audition, but… I really think you should give it a shot. And plus…” he gestures to the camera and their abandoned photoshoot set with a sheepish grin. “Now you have some good headshots.”

Dan rolls his eyes, on the edge of exasperated. “You didn’t even need to practice those, did you?”

Phil smirks. “No, not really. But they came out so well.”

“I’m sure they did,” Dan rolls his eyes again, airing out his annoyance as loudly as he can. It’s mostly feigned, anyway. Despite his adamant declarations a week ago on the contrary, Dan hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the show, about what could’ve been if he’d allowed himself to live his truth and do the things he enjoyed. So despite his current attitude, Phil’s gesture is actually… incredibly sweet.

“Are you very angry with me?” Phil asks in a small voice.

Dan sighs, his eyes finally tearing themselves away from the flyer to look back at Phil. “No, babe. I’m not angry at all.” He reaches out, pulling Phil down to him gently. “I actually think you’re proper fucking sweet for doing that for me.”

Phil doesn’t get a chance to respond before Dan’s kissing him, full and deep. “Mm,” he murmurs against Dan’s lips. “So you’ll go?” He asks, pulling away just a bit.

Dan brushes Phil’s hair back from where it’s started to droop. “I reckon so. It’d be a shame for those headshots to go to waste, after all.”

Phil positively beams at that. “I’ll get them printed tomorrow so you can put together a portfolio. Should we start working on a resume now? We’ll need to list the shows you’ve done, and-“

“As much as I love your enthusiasm-“ Dan interrupts, gently resting his hands on Phil’s shoulders. “Right now, you’re not leaving this bed for anything that doesn’t include touching me, got it?”

“Got it,” Phil says, his eyes getting a very particular glint to them when Dan runs his hands down his chest, fingering the waistband of Phil’s pants with what he hopes is a very enticing look on his face.

If the darkening of Phil’s eyes is any indication, it works.

“What do you want to do to me?” Dan asks softly, stroking at the coarse hair hiding just under soft elastic.

“I want to spread you out and eat you up, and I want you to do the same to me,” Phil starts, his voice dark and low. “And then I want you to fuck me.”

Dan swallows hard. “Sounds like a busy night,” he says breathlessly. “We’d better get to work.”

Phil kisses him hard to wipe the smirk off his face.

~~~

Friday is a hectic day, in every sense of the word. He’s got class in the morning, and right after that is the audition he’s been stressing himself out over the past two days. And as if that’s not enough, Phil texts him at lunch to remind him of their evening plans.

Phil: hey this is the address of the place Martyn and his girlfriend want to meet at for din tonight

Dan: tonight??

Phil: …. You forgot didn’t you

Dan: 😬 little bit

Phil: Do you want me to tell them we can’t make it?

Dan thinks about it for a moment, but honestly he had been looking forward to meeting Cornelia and hanging out with Phil’s brother again. Not only that, but he knew Phil had been looking forward to it, and he didn’t want to be the thing that kept Phil from getting to spend time with his family.

Dan: nah I’ll be there
Dan: might be a lil late depending how auditions go

Phil: You’re gonna do so well!! They’re all going to love you immediately I’m sure of it

Dan blushes at that.

Dan: don’t jinx me, mate

Phil: okay well in my opinion they’d be stupid not to cast you because you’re amazing

Dan: 🥲 ty bub

Phil replies with a heart emoji, and Dan forces himself to put his phone away until after he’s finished eating his sad, university cafeteria lunch. It barely works, especially when he feels it buzz against his leg a mere five minutes later. He chews his vegetarian wrap quickly, washing it down with several massive sips of water before clearing the table and making his way outside. He’s already smiling before he’s even read Phil’s next message, which is short and sweet.

Phil: No but really, you’re going to do great. Break a leg, baby <3

He’s used the cringe emoticon for a heart that time, and Dan knows he really meant it if he went through the trouble of doing that. He smiles down at the screen, screenshotting the message to obsess over later, then replies with two hearts of his own.

One more class to go, then it’s audition time.

~~~

Dan is reeling by the time the auditions are over a few hours later. He’s emotionally and mentally exhausted, but the assistant director had seemed very impressed with his audition, and Dan noticed her highlighting his name at the end of his audition when they were asking him some questions. All in all, he thinks it’s been a successful evening.

He manages to catch a cab right outside the doors to the theatre, and he’s texting Phil as he gives the driver the address.

Dan: aud over omw to din

Phil: !! You’ll have to tell me all about it!!!

Dan: :) I will

Phil responds with some excited faces emojis, and Dan smiles down at his phone before glancing out the window to watch the scenery go by. He’s still a little nervous for what’s to come this evening, but he’s immensely relieved to have gotten the hard part over with already. He knows, though, that part of the reason this part of his evening makes him nervous is because the stakes are higher. These are people who matter to Phil, and Dan wants to make a good impression.

By the time he gets out of the car at the restaurant he’s meant to be meeting them at, he’s sweating. Phil had told him, roughly, where they were seated at, so when Dan walks in he gives the name Lester to the hostess, even as he’s craning his neck to find Phil.

He’s easy enough to spot with his height, and Dan almost sighs audibly at how good he looks tonight, even from the back. “Oh, that’s them,” Dan says with a smile to the hostess. “Thanks,” he mumbles, already making his way over single-mindedly.

Even from behind, Dan can tell Phil’s hair looks fresh and gorgeous, the quiff tall even from this angle. He’s wearing the ladybird sweater that he’d made Dan wear a week or so ago, and Dan can’t help but grin when he sees it. He’s so fucking fit it’s unreal.

Dan’s almost at the table by the time he forces himself to glance at the other two people seated across from Phil. Martyn looks the same as last time, the only real difference being that he’s wearing a much nicer shirt rather than the chunky denim jacket Dan recalls him wearing before. The woman sat next to him is a petite thing, with a shock of red curls that look more artfully styled than Dan could ever hope to tame his into, despite how he’s recently decided to try and embrace the curly life. She’s wearing a sparkly black blouse, one that Dan thinks looks perfect for the atmosphere of this nice dinner and the clubs he knows they’ll be going to after. All in all, she and Martyn make a good-looking couple.

“Hi. Sorry I’m late,” Dan greets the table when he gets close enough. He slides off his coat and glances at Phil, who is already beaming up at him. “Hi,” he says to Phil softly. Without thinking, Dan leans down for a quick hello kiss, something they’ve gotten in the habit of doing in private over the past few weeks. It doesn’t strike him as being weird until after he’s already pulled away, but Phil looks so chuffed that Dan decides not to worry himself about it, sliding in his seat and smiling across the table at Martyn and Cornelia.

“You must be Phil’s partner?” Cornelia asks in a soft voice.

The phrasing of it throws Dan off, and for some reason, his first instinct is to correct her. That nagging voice in the back of his mind reminds him that they still haven’t made anything official, and yet all that comes out of his mouth is, “uh, well, I’m- uh, Dan.”

Cornelia and Martyn laugh good-naturedly, and Dan suddenly realizes that kissing Phil in front of them probably wasn’t the right move if he wants to avoid this kind of suspicion.

As it is, though, Dan actually finds that he doesn’t mind it. In fact, he kind of likes the idea that somebody looks at them and sees a proper couple. It warms something in his heart, making him feel gooey inside with fondness.

He’s scrambling to come up with something else to say, maybe something to clear up the confusion, but pauses when he feels something on his leg. He glances down, then over once he sees that Phil has put a hand on his thigh. Something in the gesture settles something in Dan, and he finds himself relaxing.

“How was the audition?” Phil changes the subject to ask, his eyes lit up with excitement. He turns to his brother and Cornelia before Dan can answer. “Dan had a big audition earlier for a production of The Merchant of Venice.”

Dan feels himself flushing with the words and the tone Phil uses. He sounds… proud of Dan, for some reason. When Dan hadn’t even really done anything to be proud of yet.

“That’s amazing,” Cornelia gushes. “Yes, tell us how it went!”

Dan feels awkward doing so, but with a gentle nudge from Phil, he speaks. “I think it went well. I didn’t stumble over any of my lines, and they asked me lots of questions about my schedule afterwards. I think…” he glances up at Phil, almost shy. “I think I’ve got a really good chance of getting it.”

Phil squeezes his thigh again, and leans in to kiss his cheek. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispers softly. It’s far too quiet for Martyn and Cornelia to hear, and yet Dan still blushes.

“Congrats, mate,” Martyn says with a grin.

“We should celebrate!” Cornelia announces.

Martyn nods in agreement. “Champagne?”

“Wait, wait,” Dan interrupts. “I haven’t even gotten it, and I’m really not sure if I even will, so-“

Phil, in tune with Dan as ever, says, “he’s right. We’ll celebrate when he gets it, though. Make a whole evening of it and everything.” Phil smiles fondly at him, and Dan feels that pesky fluttering in his heart.

“Fine,” Martyn agrees. “You’ll have to be sure to let us know when you hear something, Dan. This is an incredible opportunity.”

Dan flushes. “Well, not really. I mean, it’s just a community theatre. And I can’t exactly… I mean, it’s not a realistic career choice, is all.”

The table is quiet for just a moment, and then Martyn and Cornelia are laughing. “God, who told you that? There are definitely suitable careers to be found in the arts, it just takes making the right connections,” Cornelia says, waving her hand. Her soft, Swedish accent gives her words an almost magical, believable quality.

“Right,” Dan huffs, still disbelieving. “Sure.”

Cornelia gives him an appraising glance, and looks as if she’s about to say something else, but before she can, a waitress is at the end of their table, asking what they’d like to order.

They go around, starting with Martyn and Cornelia, and Dan scrambles to look at the menu, since he hadn’t given it any thought yet. He’s panicking as he skims the options when Phil leans in to speak softly in his ear.

“They have a French onion soup I think you’d like. And it comes with a salad, too,” Phil says, flipping the menu over and pointing at this option.

Dan sighs in relief. He’d told Phil earlier this week that he’s been in a soup mood lately, with all the cold weather, and naturally, since Phil is the sweetest person alive, he’d remembered that.

“Thanks,” Dan murmurs back, smiling up at the waitress when she gets to him after taking Phil’s order. Dan rattles off his order of French onion soup and selects the dressing he’d like with his salad, and pretends he doesn’t see the way she smiles a little too widely at him.

“Will these all be on separate checks?” She asks, glancing around the table.

“No, ours is together,” Martyn says, gesturing between himself and Cornelia.

Phil casually drapes his arm over the back of Dan’s chair, smiling his ‘stranger smile’ at the waitress. “Ours is together, as well.”

The waitress glances between them, then nods. “Perfect. I’ll put your order in with the chef, and everything should be out shortly.”

They thank her, and the conversation at the table moves to other things, Cornelia’s songwriting, Martyn’s dj-ing, and Phil’s editing job. Dan becomes a passive listener, content to sit and learn more about these people who mean so much to his favorite person.

Eventually, their food comes, and Dan nearly moans when he takes the first bite of soup. It’s truly divine, and he nudges Phil enthusiastically after taking a few bites. “You’ve gotta try this, bub, it’s like, orgasm soup.”

Martyn wrinkles his nose across the table. “Learning a little too much about my brother’s personal life, here,” he complains good-naturedly.

Phil rolls his eyes at his brother, and then gently takes the spoon from Dan to try some of the soup. He makes an appreciative noise as well, though somewhat more restrained than Dan’s. “God, you’re right. It’s good.” He hands the spoon back, grinning at Dan. “Told you so,” he sing-songs before going back to his own food.

Dan glances over at his plate, perusing his options of what he could steal. Phil’s got some kind of pork chop-tenderloin thing, along with a side of mashed potatoes, topped with a dainty sprig of something green. Dan takes one more bite of his soup, still considering it.

Phil doesn’t let him consider for long. “What do you want to try? The potatoes?”

Damn him for knowing Dan so well.

Dan shrugs sheepishly. “Can I?”

Phil scoops up a forkful right then and holds it out to Dan. “Of course.”

This might be a sight for Martyn and Cornelia, Dan thinks belatedly when he’s already eaten the bite and given a hum of approval. But truly, this is just another day in their life. They always share food, and Dan doesn’t think there’s anything particularly weird about that.

“So,” Martyn says a few minutes into the comfortable silence that accompanies a shared mealtime. “When are you taking him home to meet mum and dad?”

Dan nearly chokes on his soup.

Luckily, he’s already swallowed it, so it’s just the phantom feeling of choking that accompanies Martyn’s comment.

“Sorry, what?” Dan blurts before Phil has a chance to speak.

“Well,” Martyn shrugs. “I just figured… you two seem like things have gotten domestic… Just thought maybe you’d come home with Phil for Christmas or something.”

Dan is floundering for something to say, some gentle, annoying correction about how they’re not actually together, thanks, despite the fact that Dan would very much like to be. Luckily, Phil saves them both.

“Dan has a little too much going on right now, Mar. He doesn’t really have time for that at the moment.”

Martyn gives Phil an odd look, but something in Phil’s answering expression makes him drop it. “Well… there’s always after the holidays, I suppose.”

Cornelia, who Dan has decided must be some sort of empath or something, jumps right in then, steering the conversation to safer territory. “God, speaking of Christmas, we need to get on our shopping. Martyn is a total nightmare to shop with for anything, always waiting until the last minute. There was this one time…” Cornelia tells what is probably a very funny story, if Dan had been able to focus and actually listen to it.

Instead, he’s still reeling with Martyn’s assumption that Dan should be meeting Phil’s parents. Surely it’s just that Phil doesn’t have many close friends, or the fact that they have acted quite coupley this evening. Otherwise, Martyn would’ve had no reason to say that, Dan reasons.

Right?

The waitress comes back around a bit later to ask if they’d like any dessert. She rattles off the dessert options for the evening, and Dan pats Phil’s thigh when he lights up at the ice cream and brownie option.

“Lactose intolerance and sugar rush, bub,” he reminds him softly.

Phil sighs, but nods. “You’re right. We’ll eat some of those chocolate covered biscuits when we get home, right?”

Dan nods. “Sure.”

The waitress hands out the checks, giving one to Martyn and one to Dan. Dan reaches for his wallet, glancing at Phil to make sure he has no protests.

“I can pay this time?” He asks, just to be sure.

Phil smiles. “I guess so. I’ll spoil you some other time.”

Dan feels his face flush at the comment, in total earshot of Phil’s brother. Especially considering his comment earlier, Dan’s a little weary of him hearing those sorts of things, even if they’d still be said otherwise.

After Dan has paid and the waitress has brought back his card, Dan is signing the receipt when he notices writing on the back. He flips it over and immediately blushes. The too-friendly waitress had charitably left her phone number on the back of the customer copy of the receipt. Dan can’t explain why that makes him feel so annoyed, as even just a year ago he would’ve been flattered by the gesture. He probably would’ve even called her back then, to be honest.

Now, however, it just makes him feel… weird.

He flips it back over quickly, hoping no one had noticed. Martyn and Phil are discussing something, maybe the club they’re going to next, and Dan carefully tucks the merchant and customer receipts under his plate, wanting no part of any of that.

“Are you ready to go?” Phil asks him a few seconds later, pulling him out of his discomfort.

Dan nods, reaching for his coat. “Yep. Let’s go get our club on.”

~~~

The club Martyn and Cornelia had picked out is a loud, busy one. That’s not to say that it’s not a nice place - Dan immediately feels just as comfortable in this club as he would at any gay bar, despite the fact that this place seems to have no clear label attributed to it. The lights are not too overwhelming, a throbbing purple to blue to green strobe, and they’re playing Britney Spears when they arrive. Overall, it could be worse.

“I’m gonna go fetch us some drinks. Corn has some friends who work here, so we get a bit of a discount. You lads want anything?” Martyn calls to them, loud to be heard over the sound of the music.

Dan shrugs, glancing at Phil. “Whiskey and coke for me.”

Phil is glancing over at the bar, squinting like he’s trying to read the board above the counter. Martyn rolls his eyes. “C’mon, Philip, you’ll help me carry whatever stupid massive cocktail you order.”

Dan can’t help but giggle at that. Phil gives him a look, and Dan reaches out and squeezes his hand. “Go, I’ll go find someplace to sit with Cornelia.”

“C’mon, Phil,” Martyn says, impatient. He drags Phil over to the bar to order, and Dan glances at Cornelia, gesturing for her to lead the way.

“Do you and Martyn come here often?” Dan asks, following Cornelia closely as she winds through various gyrating bodies on the dance floor in between them and the wall of tables and booths.

“Every now and then. It’s one of our favorite places, especially for live music. I think they’re doing some kind of 90s pop night tonight, but you guys should come with us again when they do a live set.” She finds a vacant booth off in the corner, sliding in one side elegantly.

Dan joins her on the opposite side of the table, smiling at her and nodding. “That sounds really fun, actually. We’ll definitely have to do that sometime.”

Cornelia smiles back. “Martyn’s played a couple of sets here, actually, and the crowd is always really amazing. I think you’d enjoy it a lot.”

Dan nods enthusiastically. He’s still trying to make a good impression, and jumping on the opportunity to support Phil’s brother in his musical endeavors sounds like a point in that direction. And honestly, it is kind of cool that his brother is like, a proper musician who does shows and things. “Oh, that’s great. You’ll have to let me know the next time he does a show, I’d love to come see what that’s all about.”

Cornelia grins. “I definitely will. Phil comes to almost all of them. He’s such a good brother.”

“I can tell,” Dan says, smiling. “He talks about his family constantly.”

Cornelia gives him a cheeky, side-eyed sort of look. “Funny, because when we’re with him, he never seems to shut about you.”

Dan can feel himself blush, and is half a second away from protesting when Martyn speaks from beside the table.

“Drinks all around!” He shouts cheerfully, handing a drink to Cornelia and setting his own down beside it before sliding into the booth.

Phil does the same at Dan’s side, sliding a rather generous glass of whiskey and coke in front of Dan and smiling down at his own massive glass of something bright pink.

“Uh, babe,” Dan starts, too amused to even correct the pet name once it’s slipped out. “What the hell is that?”

Phil grins. “I don’t know! I asked the bartender to make me something sweet and fruity, and he gave me this. He said its called a Cherry-Popper!”

Dan snorts. “Of course it is,” he says, rolling his eyes over at Martyn and Cornelia.

Phil ignores his sarcasm to lean down and take a long sip of the bright-colored drink, his eyes widening immediately. “Mm!” He hums excitedly, sipping some more before pulling away. “Dan, Dan,” he chants, slapping Dan’s arm. “You’ve gotta try this, it tastes just like a cherry!”

“Shocking,” Martyn drawls from across the table. “What did you expect it to taste like, Philly? Lead?”

“Hush,” Phil chastises, sliding the drink over to sit in front of Dan. “Try it!”

Dan leans forward, taking a tiny sip of the very, very sweet drink. “Oof,” he winces when he pulls away. “Bit sweet, isn’t it?”

“Yeah!” Phil says excitedly. “Isn’t it good?”

Dan takes in the flush of his cheeks, the brightness in his eyes, and the pink-tinted moisture on his lips, and he suddenly wants to do something very, very stupid. He leans in, his lips brushing Phil’s ear as he speaks. “I think it would taste better coming off your lips, baby.”

Phil’s eyes widen when Dan pulls away, taking a sip of his whiskey and coke smugly. “Uh,” Phil says, glancing over at his brother and sister-in-law in what is clearly some kind of gay panic.

“I don’t even want to know what he said,” Martyn groans. “Disgusting, the both of you. Were we that bad when we first got together? I don’t think we were this bad,” he complains to Cornelia, who simply smiles at him.

She pats his cheek consolingly. “I think we were just as bad, dear, if not worse,” she says, which seems to do the opposite of comfort him.

“Yeah,” Phil says, joining in on their conversation after he’s seemingly recovered from Dan’s teasing. He rests a hand on Dan’s thigh, though, clearly not forgetting about it entirely. “You guys were ten times worse. You literally snogged in front of me within the first ten minutes of me meeting Cornelia.”

Cornelia flushes, but noticeably doesn’t deny this. Martyn, however, seems indignant. “Hey! You two- you two have-“ He falls short, slumping in his seat when he realizes he’s got nothing. Dan is a little grateful, because the truth is not lost on him here - Martyn and Cornelia are in a long-term, committed relationship. Dan and Phil are just… for lack of a better term, friends with benefits. And clearly, Martyn isn’t savvy to that information, and Dan doesn’t have the heart to be the one to tell him.

“Exactly,” Phil says smugly, sitting back in his seat and slurping on his drink.

Dan glances at him, a frown tugging at his lips when he notices over half the drink is already gone. He glances down at Phil’s hand on his thigh and notices that one of Phil’s legs is bouncing, one of his nervous tics. Dan waits until Martyn and Cornelia are engaged in a conversation about someone they see across the bar that they know, then he leans in close to Phil. “Might wanna slow down,” Dan warns gently.

Phil jumps a little in surprise at his voice. “Hm?”

Dan gestures to his glass, then places a hand on his jumpy knee. “You seem sort of nervous. You okay?”

Phil nods, but places his glass on the table and squeezes Dan’s thigh. “Yeah. I dunno. Sorry, I’ll slow down. I know I’m an annoying drunk.”

Dan smiles, shaking his head. “That’s not what I meant. You just get sick when you drink too fast, remember?”

“Yeah,” Phil nods. He leans in just a half an inch more, kissing Dan’s cheek sweetly. “Appreciate you watching out for me,” he murmurs.

Dan feels himself blush, knocking his head against Phil’s to let out some of that nervous energy. “Yeah, well.”

“There it is. The canoodling,” Martyn announces loudly across the table.

Before Dan can respond, he feels Phil’s leg jerk, and Martyn yelps. “Shut up, Mar. You were no better, and we’ve already established that.”

Martyn grins. “I know. I just like giving you shit, little brother.”

Phil rolls his eyes.

“We’re going to go talk to some friends of ours,” Cornelia says, gesturing somewhere off to the side. “Will you two be staying here?”

Dan starts to say yes, knowing that clubs aren’t typically Phil’s scene, but Phil beats him to it. “We’re gonna go dance, actually,” he says casually, avoiding Dan’s curious gaze.

“Great!” Cornelia says brightly. She seems pleasantly surprised, and as she and Martyn slide out of the booth, she reaches across the table and pats Dan’s hand. “You’re good for him, Dan.” She smiles, and then they’re gone, leaving Dan and Phil alone with their drinks.

Dan turns, about to interrogate Phil on the sudden desire to dance, but he’s already looking at Dan, tugging him out of the booth. “Come on. Let’s go be those embarrassing rhythm-less people on the dance floor.”

~~~

As it turns out, much to Phil’s surprise, Dan actually does possess a little bit of rhythm. Phil seems to be joking when he pulls Dan against him in an attempt to dance along to the music, and the genuine shock on his face when Dan begins grinding in time to the beat is an expression Dan thinks belongs in art galleries.

“What’s the matter, baby?” Dan taunts in his ear after a couple of songs, grinning wickedly as he shakes his ass.

Phil’s gone mostly still, his hands loosely settled on Dan’s hips as they move, his mouth opening and closing with no sound escaping. “I…” He shakes his head, obviously trying to clear it. “I didn’t know you could dance,” he says, pulling Dan in closer so he doesn’t have to shout as much to be heard.

Dan shrugs, slowing his movements to something gentler as the song changes again, throwing his arms around Phil’s neck and kissing his cheek. “Lots of things you don’t know about me, bub,” he teases.

Phil gets a strange look on his face then, but before Dan can ask him about it, he pushes him back. “I’m gonna go get us some more drinks,” he says, gesturing to the bar.

“Okay, I’ll come too,” Dan says, taking Phil’s hand. Phil looks like he wants to argue, but instead he nods, leading the way to the bar.

“Can I get a gin and tonic,” Dan shouts to the bartender as he pulls his wallet out. “And whatever he wants,” he says, gesturing to Phil.

“I’ll have a strawberry daiquiri,” Phil calls, his hand resting lightly on Dan’s back as he pays.

“Thanks,” Dan says to the bartender when they slide over both drinks.

He and Phil spot Martyn and Cornelia again, and Dan wordlessly follows as Phil makes his way over to them.

“Find yourself another fruity drink?” Martyn teases when he sees Phil.

Phil holds his head up high, clearly unbothered. “And it’s delicious, thanks,” he sasses, sipping it loudly.

Dan laughs along with the others, slipping closer to Phil as he sips his own drink. Cornelia is asking them if they’d danced at all, and Dan can’t help but glance at Phil, who flushes.

“Aww, it’s okay, Philly. We know you can’t dance,” Martyn simpers, patting Phil’s shoulder in mock sympathy. “Dan was always going to find out you had little to no natural rhythm.”

“Well now, I don’t know about that,” Dan says, unthinkingly. He flushes when they all turn to look at him, which is probably an action even more damning than his words. “Er, I just meant-“

“Nope, nope,” Phil says, covering Dan’s mouth with his free hand. “My brother doesn’t need to hear whatever it is you’re about to say.”

Martyn fake-gags. “No, I certainly do not. Please, spare me,” he pleads.

Dan laughs, kissing Phil’s hand that’s still covering his mouth. Phil looks surprised, jerking his hand away as if Dan had licked him. Before Dan can ask why he’s so jumpy, Martyn is talking again.

“But for real though, are you guys having fun? Sorry we kind of ditched you there. We haven’t seen those friends of ours in a while and-“

He’s still talking, but Dan barely hears him, to preoccupied by the way Phil suddenly stiffens and pulls away from Dan. “I’ve got to go to the loo,” he announces suddenly. He hands Dan his drink, barely glancing at him. “I’ll be right back.”

And then he’s gone, weaving through the crowd, leaving Dan standing there confused. Martyn and Cornelia don’t seem bothered, talking to Dan about the music and such, so he tries to ignore the weird feeling he has and actually engage in the conversation, absently sipping at Phil’s drink after he’s finished off his own.

It’s been five minutes or so, enough time for Dan to settle down and think maybe he was imagining Phil’s jumpiness and the whole situation, when Martyn swears loudly.

“What is it?” Dan asks, glancing behind himself where Martyn’s focus seems to be drawn to something, or someone. Dan doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary, other than a group of a few guys who seem to be glancing their way. A blonde one stands out the most, smirking at Dan devilishly. Dan doesn’t find this any stranger than anything else he’s seen this evening, so he turns back around, repeating his question. “What’s wrong?”

Martyn and Cornelia exchange a look. “Fucking Liam is here,” Martyn says, clearly seething.

Dan has no idea who that is or what that means. So obviously, he says the most brilliant thing that comes to mind, which is, “Now we’ve just gotta find Louis, Harry, and Niall, we’ll have a full set.”

Martyn laughs, although it seems a little half-hearted. “Yeah, right.”

Before Dan can make a serious inquiry about who this Liam actually is and why his presence here is apparently not a good thing, Phil has returned from the bathroom. He looks slightly harrowed, but takes his almost-empty glass from Dan without meeting his eyes. “I think I want to go home,” he announces.

“Are you alright?” Cornelia asks, resting a hand on his arm. She seems to be almost sympathetic, but Dan just feels like he’s missing something.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, just… think I drank too fast,” he says, laughing lamely.

Martyn narrows his eyes at him. He’s clearly about to say something else, but Cornelia nudges him gently, shaking her head. Dan is so confused. “Alright,” Martyn says finally. “Well, you two be careful getting home, alright? Text me when you get there so I know you’re safe.”

Phil nods, then gives his brother a quick hug. “I will. Bye, Mar. Thanks for inviting us. Next time maybe we’ll stay longer, yeah?”

Martyn agrees, then turns to Dan, drawing him in for a hug as well, just like last time. “Take care of him,” he warns quietly, giving Dan a firm pat on the back.

Dan nods when he pulls away, a sudden lump in his throat growing with the weight of their expectations. Cornelia appears to be speaking softly and worriedly to Phil, but Phil just shakes his head, smiling at her gently like he’s trying to convince her he’s fine. Dan’s not sure he even believes that himself, and he doesn’t even know what’s going on.

“Bye, guys,” Phil says, stepping away from Cornelia and allowing her to hug Dan quickly. “We’ll see you later.”

Martyn and Cornelia bid them goodbye, and Phil takes ahold of Dan’s hand as they leave, dropping their mostly empty glasses off at the bar as they go. Phil orders an Uber as they’re heading out the door, and Dan shuffles close to him out on the sidewalk. Phil’s clearly a bit jumpy or agitated about something, and Dan is a little afraid to engage with that, but the liquor he’s consumed tonight gives him a little bit of courage.

“Are you okay?” He asks, squeezing Phil’s hand and wrapping his free hand around Phil’s arm.

Phil nods, but doesn’t look at him. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Oh, okay.” Dan sways a little on his feet. He hadn’t felt that drunk before, but now he feels like the drinks are kicking in a little bit. He’s surprised Phil’s not more tipsy himself, but then he remembers that Phil barely drank his daiquiri, and in fact Dan drank most of it out of boredom while Phil was in the bathroom.

The Uber pulls up, and after checking that this is in fact their ride, Dan climbs into the backseat beside Phil, their hands still clasped together. The driver seems to be in his own little world, and Dan doesn’t think twice about sliding closer to Phil and kissing his jaw. He kisses twice over until his lips are just barely ghosting Phil’s, but then he feels a hand on his chest, pushing him away.

He tries not to be hurt by that.

“Are you angry with me?” Dan asks, a little watery. He’s definitely bordering on tipsy right now.

“No. Just not in the mood,” Phil says, his voice clipped.

Dan scrambles at his thigh, gripping gently. “Are you sure? Did I do something back there? You’re acting weird.”

Phil sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “No, Dan. I’m not angry at you.” He glances at the driver, then drops his voice. “Remember, we’re in a car with other people. I’ll give you a kiss when we get back to my flat.”

“Okay,” Dan sniffles, laying his head on Phil’s shoulder. “I think I’m a little drunk.”

Phil sighs. “I think so too. Why don’t you take a little nap until we get there, hm?”

“Okay,” Dan agrees. He kisses Phil’s shoulder. “Night, night.”

Dan doesn’t actually fall asleep. Instead his fuzzy brain tries to make sense of the situation, trying to connect the dots. Phil first got strange when they were dancing, so Dan deduces that it has to be something he did. But he can’t keep asking Phil about it if he’s giving the same answer, or else Phil will get mad that he’s being annoying. And Dan doesn’t want Phil to be mad at him. And-

By the time they pull up to Phil’s flat, Dan is almost sick with anxiety about the whole thing. Phil thanks the driver and helps Dan out of the car, and then up to Phil’s flat. At the door, Phil helps Dan take off his shoes and coat, and then drags him to the kitchen to drink some water and eat a slice of toast each.

Dan is feeling marginally better by the time Phil leads him to his bedroom. Dan is wondering if they’ll have sex, but the question is answered when Phil gets under the covers almost immediately after putting on his pajamas, taking his glasses off and setting them to the side. Dan is slower to follow, pulling his jeans and sweater off and then giving up, opting to sleep instead in his pants.

“You need to put on a shirt,” Phil says quietly into the darkness as Dan slips under the covers.

Dan pauses. Phil’s never specifically asked him to cover himself up at night. He must be uncomfortable. “Oh. Okay,” Dan says, sort of glumly. He pads over to Phil’s dresser and tugs on the first t-shirt he finds, which is a black one with the word “vibes” written across it in rainbow letters.

He crawls back into Phil’s bed after clicking off the lamp on his side of the bed, curling up under the covers a fair distance away from Phil. It’s immediately weird, how far apart they are, not even touching, and Dan is wondering how he could ever stand to sleep like that when thankfully, Phil speaks.

“Come here,” he whispers, reaching for Dan. Dan goes willingly, cuddling up to Phil with an audible sigh of relief. “Warm enough, baby?” Phil asks, rubbing up and down Dan’s arms gently. Dan really hadn’t even realized how cold he was until now.

“Mhm,” Dan murmurs. He remembers something then. “Can I have my kiss now?” he asks, turning his head back to glance at Phil.

It’s hard to tell in the dark of the room, but Dan thinks Phil is smiling as he reaches out, cupping Dan’s cheek gently to find his lips. He presses a soft kiss to Dan’s mouth, his lips parting just a bit when Dan melts into his touch.

Phil pulls away far too soon. Dan makes some undignified sound of displeasure, but Phil only tuts at him. “Nope. It’s bedtime.”

“Fine,” Dan whines. “Goodnight, bub.”

“Night, Dan.” Comes the soft reply.

As Dan drifts off, his mind supplies him once more with the name Martyn spoke at the club: Liam.

~~~

The next morning brings with it a shade of normalcy that makes Dan question his perception of the night before. Phil is up first, sipping his coffee and scrolling on his phone next to Dan in bed when Dan finally blinks awake. He’s woken up this way so many times that for a brief moment, Dan wonders if he dreamt Phil’s odd behavior the previous night.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Phil says cheerfully, glancing down at Dan with a glowing smile. “Did you sleep well?”

Dan nods, stretching his long limbs out until he hears a couple pops. Phil crinkles his nose, but watches Dan fondly as he straightens himself out. “Coffee?” Dan croaks, clearing his throat once he realizes how wrecked his voice is.

Phil sits up, reaching over for the other steaming mug on his bedside table. “You’re lucky I like you so much,” he teases as he carefully hands Dan the mug. “I don’t go around giving everyone my good coffee, you know.”

Dan snorts into the cup. “Phil, we both know this is the instant shit. No sense in lying to yourself about it.”

“Hey,” Phil protests. He’s pouting, and Dan quickly hides his grin. “At least I gave you my best mug,” he says, nodding slightly at the ceramic cradled gently in Dan’s hands.

Dan glances down, smiling when he sees that Phil has given him his favorite mug, which is the Undertale one. He takes another long sip before leaning over, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. “Thanks, bub.”

He feels a kiss pressed to his hair, soft and so, so gentle. Dan has to bite his tongue then, terrified of saying something he shouldn’t. Something that starts with an L and crosses his mind every time Phil looks at him or touches him or says something sweet- something that Dan absolutely cannot say.

So instead, he says something stupid. “I’ll probably go back to my place today.”

“Oh. Really?” Phil asks, sounding a little disappointed.

Dan shrugs. “I’ve got some things to work on, some essays I could be revising for a couple classes.”

“Oh…” Phil says. He sips his coffee, and Dan isn’t even annoyed by the slurping sound. “Okay, then.”

They sit in silence for a while then, quietly drinking their coffee in peace. Eventually, Dan works up the courage to ask about last night. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah,” Phil says, glancing at Dan like that’s a weird question for him to ask.

Dan nods. “I just wondered, since… last night you seemed…”

Phil’s expression shifts then. It’s a shift Dan’s not super familiar with, from Phil at least, but it looks like he’s shutting down, or at the very least, shutting Dan out. “I’m fine,” he says. His voice is a little harder, and Dan knows this means it should be the end of the conversation.

He knows that, but he also knows that he wants to be there for Phil, if he can. Even though Dan isn’t entirely sure what happened, he knows he wants to listen if Phil wants to talk, even if Dan was the cause of the problem in the first place. He rests his hand gently on Phil’s thigh, patting softly.

“You can talk to me, you know,” he says quietly. “I’m not saying you have to, but… well… we’re best friends, right? And you talk to your best friend.”

Phil is quiet for a long time, but Dan forces himself not to pull away. Phil hasn’t tensed up or otherwise indicated that he’s upset, so Dan forces himself to be still, and wait.

Eventually, Phil reaches for Dan’s hand, squeezing it gently. “Thanks,” he says softly. “Do you want some breakfast before you leave?”

The moment, whatever it may have been, evaporates then. Dan tries to settle himself with the knowledge that some things just simply aren’t any of his business, and Phil doesn’t owe him anything, even if he wants to know it.

“Sure. Breakfast sounds great.”

~~~

An hour or so later, Dan is standing at the door to Phil’s flat, shoving his feet into his trainers and looking at Phil glumly. “I wish I didn’t have to go,” Dan says. He’s slightly hoping that maybe Phil will try to stop him, insist he stay another night or something. Of course, Phil doesn’t do that.

Instead, he smiles and shakes his head. “I know. But we’ve both got work to do, and you’ve said it yourself before, we distract each other too much.”

Dan pouts. “I never said too much. I think we distract each other a respectable amount.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “And how long have you been putting off this paper?”

Dan bites his lip. “Shut up,” he mumbles.

Phil laughs, stepping closer to Dan and helping him zip up his coat. “I’ll see you in a couple days, yeah? But it’s probably… it’s probably healthy to spend some time apart, you know?”

“You said probably,” Dan reminds him. “Which means you don’t really know if it is or not.”

“Daniel,” Phil says, his voice dripping with exasperation.

“Fine, fine,” Dan says before the lecture can begin. “I’ll leave. But I’m coming back as soon as I’m bored or horny.”

Phil flushes, but nods. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, honestly.”

Dan gives him a look before leaning in for a kiss. Phil always gives the best goodbye hugs, but Dan has learned in the past few weeks that his goodbye kisses are nothing to ignore either. He reaches up, gently cradling Dan’s jaw with one hand while Dan tips his head, deepening the kiss. Phil lets him, but only for a moment.

“Bye,” Phil mumbles against his mouth.

“I’m leaving,” Dan replies, his lips still ghosting against Phil’s. “Headed out the door now.”

Phil nips gently at Dan’s lips, then soothes the bite with a swipe of his tongue before actually pushing Dan away. “Go. Before I do something stupid like drag you to bed.”

Dan waggles just eyebrows. “I would be so down for that,” he says.

Phil shakes his head, stepping back. “Nope. Go, do your work. I’ll call you tonight.”

“Fine. Bye, Phil,” Dan says, waving at him lamely as he steps out the door.

“Mm. Bye, baby. See you.”

The door closes between them, and Dan lets out a loud, disappointed sigh. He hopes Phil hears it.

~~~

The next couple of days go by in a Phil-less blur. Dan gets things done, of course. He works, he writes his essays, he meets up with some friends at a pub. He does really well, all things considered, and yet still, every day he’s just living for the calls and texts he receives from Phil.

Phil: saw a cute doggo at the park! Almost took him home with me but my pockets were too small :(

Dan: you can’t steal a dog without me that’s illegal

Phil: which part
Phil: stealing a dog or doing it without you

Dan: hm probably both

Another time, Phil texts him when he can’t sleep.

Phil: should I go out for a midnight stroll even though it’s a full moon

Dan: that depends
Dan: do you feel like being eaten by a werewolf

Phil: well what kind of werewolf are we talking here

Dan: …. What

Phil: well is it a sexy werewolf??

Dan: I… that doesn’t exist

Phil: uh yeah it does
Phil: ever heard of buffy??
Phil: teen wolf???
Phil: TWILIGHT

Dan: I didn’t know you were a furry

Phil had called him after that, and they’d stayed on the phone for probably an hour, arguing over the logistics of fucking a werewolf, before Phil was actually able to fall asleep. Dan was glad he could help, but the whole time he was just sat thinking how stupid it was that he couldn’t just go across town to be with him in person.

It’s Wednesday morning before Dan stops feeling sorry for himself about that whole situation. And that’s mostly due to the very important phone call he receives as he’s sitting in the library editing a paper. At first, he’s tempted to ignore the ringing phone when he realizes it’s an unfamiliar number, but then his mind quickly reminds him of the call he’s been waiting for.

He answers breathlessly. “Hello?”

“Hi! Is this Dan Howell?” asks a polite voice.

Dan nods, then feels like an idiot when he realizes they can’t see him. “Yes, it is.”

“Great! This is Millie with the theatre, is now a good time to talk?”

“Yes!” Dan replies, a little too enthusiastically.

The woman on the other end laughs. “So, Dan, I’m sure you have been waiting to hear something from us. Typically, we would just post the cast list and be done, but I was so impressed with your audition that I wanted to call personally.”

Dan’s heart is halfway out of his ribcage. He wishes this lady would just say it, just tell him what role he’s got- even if it’s one of the lesser characters like Lorenzo or Gratiano, Dan would be fine with that, totally fine-

“-that being said, I’d like to offer you the role of Antonio.”

Dan freezes. “Antonio?” He says slowly.

Millie sounds pleased when she responds. “Yes, Dan. I know you auditioned for Bassanio, but the director and I both agreed that you had the Antonio flair. Of course, you’re welcome to decline if you truly did want to play Bassanio, but I’ll be honest, you were our favorite candidate for the main character.”

Dan is so stunned that he almost can’t speak. It takes Millie calling his name twice for him to even be able to respond. “Yes. I would love to play Antonio,” he blurts when he finally does speak.

“Lovely!” Millie cheers. Dan hears typing then, and he slowly releases the breath he’d been holding. “Now, as for rehearsals, we’ll start the week after next. I’ll send you your schedule via email, and…” Millie continues talking, sharing important information about rehearsals and costume fittings and things that Dan should probably care a bit more about, but he’s still in such shock that he can barely focus. He hums and agrees to things in what he hopes are all the right spots, all the while packing up his laptop and books to make a hasty escape from the library.

There’s someone important he’d like to share this news with, and he’s already decided the stupid paper can wait. Millie talks a bit more as Dan is making his way to the bus stop, and then she’s congratulating him and ending the call.

Phil’s going to be so excited for me, Dan can’t help but think as he boards the bus.

~~~

Dan isn’t paying much attention to his surroundings as he’s making his way up the stairs to Phil’s flat, instead staring down at his phone as he texts a few of his friends and his Nana, letting them know he got the part. This is probably why it startles him so much when someone bumps into him on the stairs.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I-“ Dan starts, reaching out to steady the person.

“Yeah, whatever,” the guy mumbles. He’s got dirty blonde hair, a bit longer than Dan’s, but the kind of curly Dan wishes he could achieve. He’s a good-looking guy, but the scowl on his face ruins the look. For some reason, he seems oddly familiar. “Uh, excuse me?” He says, quite rudely.

“Oh, sorry,” Dan mumbles, pressing close to the opposite side of the staircase so the man can pass him. The guy mumbles a bit to himself as he descends the stairs, but Dan can’t really make out the words.

Dan shakes off the weird feeling that the interaction gave him, instead making his way to the next landing where Phil’s flat is. He raps his knuckles against the door twice before trying the doorknob, surprised to find it unlocked.

“Phil?” He calls, poking his head around the door, a little cautious. It’s very rare for Phil to leave his door unlocked like this unless he’s expecting someone. Dan tries to brush it off; maybe Martyn is coming by this afternoon or something. Dan slips inside and pulls the door shut behind himself, toeing his shoes off by the door.

The flat is almost-quiet, but he can hear the quiet sound of muttering and shuffling coming from down the hall. Curious, Dan follows the noise down the hall and to Phil’s bedroom, where Dan spots the source of the noise almost immediately. Phil’s crouched in the floor, picking up what looks to be lots of photographs of various sizes. He’s moving quickly, and Dan doesn’t really get a good look at any of the people or things in the photos before Phil’s shoving them into a box and scooping up another handful.

“Hey,” Dan says quietly, trying to be careful not to startle him.

Phil jumps, dropping the set of photos in his hand. “Fuck! Dan! You scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry, your door was unlocked and-“

“What the hell are you doing here?” Phil asks, sounding almost… cold. It’s a tone Dan’s never really heard from Phil, especially directed at himself.

“I…” Dan pauses, glancing down at the photos once more. Something catches his eye, and he kneels down to reach for the photo closest to his foot.

Phil doesn’t give him the chance. He reaches out, snatches the photo up, and shoves it and some others into the box. He’s got almost all of them off of the floor now, and he’s no longer looking at Dan. It’s like Dan isn’t even there.

“Sorry,” Dan whispers. He’s not even sure what he did wrong exactly, but he can tell it was something.

Phil lets out a long sigh. “It’s… it’s fine. These are just…” He glances down, shaking his head as he drops the last of the photos into the box, sliding the lid over it once he’s finished. “These are just some photos I’ve taken over the years that never got published. It feels weird to let anyone see them since they weren’t published, you know?”

Dan doesn’t. He nods anyway. “Yeah, of course,” he says softly. He has no idea what’s happening, but Phil is clearly going through something right now, and Dan has absolutely no idea what to do to help.

“So, uh… You didn’t tell me you were stopping by,” Phil says, sliding the box back into the corner where it usually lives. Dan tries not to stare at it.

“Yeah, I, um… I kind of wanted to surprise you.” Dan bites his lip, trying to work himself up with the same excited momentum that he arrived with earlier. Things will only be weird if he makes them weird, he says to himself.

“Oh?” Phil says, sounding sort of far-away, even though he’s right there, looking at Dan curiously. He leans against the frame of his bedroom door, crossing his arms. “What’s the occasion?”

Dan twiddles his fingers a bit, playing deliberately coy. “Oh, not much. Just…” he flutters his eyelashes up at Phil, trying his best to bite back his smirk. “You’re just looking at the new lead in a community theatre’s production of The Merchant of Venice.”

Phil nearly slides down the doorframe in surprise. “You- oh my god! Dan!” A massive grin takes over his face, and he all but launches himself at Dan, wrapping him up in a tight hug. “God. I knew you would get it. I’m so proud of you, baby. So, so proud of you.”

Dan presses his smile to Phil’s, preening with the praise. “Thanks,” he mumbles, shifting a little to press a proper kiss to Phil’s mouth. “And… thank you. For signing me up for the audition. I wouldn’t have had the courage to do it on my own,” he says sheepishly.

Phil pulls away just a little, shaking his head. “I won’t take credit for any of this. You went to the audition, and aced it, and you’re going to do incredible things on that stage, Dan. All I did was fill out a silly little Google Form,” he laughs.

Dan smiles too. “Still. I wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t believe in me so much. I…” he flushes. He was about to say that pesky, forbidden word. “Thank you.”

This time, Phil kisses him. It’s a long, sweet thing, and Dan feels his eyes prickle a little at the way Phil isn’t trying to rush it. He’s not trying to make this into more than what it is or escalate things, he’s just… showing his affection. In one of the best ways that he knows how.

“We should call Martyn and Cornelia,” Phil murmurs against his lips. “Maybe go out to celebrate with them.”

Dan shakes his head gently, his hand trailing down the front of Phil’s sweater with not-so-innocent intentions. Phil may have been pure and sweetly affectionate, but now that Dan has gotten that out of his system, he wants more.

“No… maybe tomorrow? Right now I… I just really want you,” Dan murmurs in his ear, kissing down Phil’s neck single-mindedly.

Phil shivers beneath his touch. “Okay,” he says softly. “You can have me.”

Dan pulls back, just enough so that he can really look at Phil. Whatever outburst he walked in on before was real, even if Phil didn’t want to share the meaning of all of it. Dan doesn’t want to take this any further without first making sure that Phil is really, truly okay. He slides his left hand up to cradle Phil’s jaw, swiping a thumb over his cheekbone with gentle sweeps. “Are you okay?”

Phil looks confused. “Yeah, babe, I’m fine.” He smiles, catching the pad of Dan’s thumb with a little kiss.

“You’re sure?” Dan double-checks.

“Yes,” Phil replies. He looks serious for a moment, then, which is a small departure from the soft look he’d worn previously. “I promise I’d tell you if I wasn’t in the mood, Danny. I promise I would.”

Dan kisses his cheek. “Okay. Do you need to go take a shower or anything first?”

Phil shakes his head, running a slow hand down Dan’s side. “No. Actually, I was thinking… we’ve only ever done it one way. Maybe tonight we could switch it up a little?” He sounds hopeful.

Dan blinks at him. “You wanna fuck me?”

Phil blushes. “Yeah? Is that okay?”

Dan grins. “All you had to do was ask, babe. You’re really the only person I’ve ever been with who didn’t prefer me as a bottom.”

“Well, I don’t really have a preference one way or another, but…” he ducks his head, clearly embarrassed. “God, it makes me hot to even say it. You always fuck me so well that I forget to even ask if we can do it the other way.”

And Dan can’t help but beam with pride when he hears that. “Aww, Philly.”

“Hush,” Phil whines, swatting at him. “Come on, you should go take a shower.”

“Are you going to be joining me?” Dan asks as he follows Phil into the bathroom and watches him go about setting the shower on.

“Sure. I love taking showers with you.” It’s such a genuine, throw-away comment that Dan has to pause for a second to process it. Phil’s already moved on. “Here, let’s get your joggers off. Are you staying the night?”

Dan nods numbly, his brain clouded with lust. “I was planning on it,” he replies, allowing Phil to undress him.

“Okay. I’ll throw your clothes in the laundry later, then. Alright, water should be warm…”

The shower goes by in a blur. Phil helps him wash off, then slips out of the shower at Dan’s request. He’d offered to help stretch Dan, but it’s been a while since he’d bottomed for anyone and he wants to ease himself into it without Phil there to make him nervous.

When he finally makes it back to the bedroom, Phil is waiting on the bed in nothing but his boxers, every candle in the room lit. It’s kind of… romantic.

“Hey,” Phil greets quietly.

“Hi,” Dan says. He gestures at the room with the hand not holding his towel up. “It looks good in here.”

“Thanks. I wanted it to be special,” Phil says, smiling.

Dan smirks. “Aww. You wanted our first time to be special?”

Phil rolls his eyes. “It’s hardly our first time.”

Dan shrugs, climbing onto the bed and settling himself right on Phil’s lap, discarding his towel as he goes. “First time for this, at least,” Dan reminds him.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees pointlessly. He rubs Dan’s naked thighs, glancing down like he can’t help himself. “Hi there,” he says in a sweet voice as he gives Dan’s cock a gentle caress.

“Phil,” Dan whines.

“Sorry,” Phil says with a grin. “Are you ready? Is this still okay with you?”

Dan nods, shifting so their bodies slide closer together, their cocks nestled closely. “I want you inside me. I’m just…” he reaches down, wraps his hand around Phil’s impressive length. “There’s a reason I haven’t brought it up myself, you know.”

Phil looks surprised. “Really?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m already freaking out a little bit about fitting this thing in me,” Dan says, stroking him a couple times for emphasis.

Phil looks conflicted, a pain-pleasure crossing his face for a second. “Oh. Well, if you don’t want to-“

“Not what I said,” Dan says, already shifting up to his knees. “You just- you’ll have to go really slow, okay?”

Phil nods, then leans in for a kiss. “Of course. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“I know,” Dan says with a smile. He shifts again, glancing around as he considers the logistics of all this.

“Maybe you should lie down,” Phil suggests. “That might make it a bit easier to take?”

Dan nods. “Yeah, you’re right. I think I’ll lie on my stomach though. That way you can go deeper.”

Phil shivers, and Dan smirks. “God. I’ve never met someone who talks about things like this quite like you do,” Phil says.

“Hey,” Dan says as he shuffles around to get into position. “No point in beating around the bush, is there? I know what I want.” Now if only you could tell him what that really is, his brain reminds him unhelpfully.

“Right,” Phil says. He sounds distracted though, and when Dan looks at him, he finds him sat staring at his ass. “You look… really fucking good right now, Dan.”

Dan giggles. “Good enough to eat?” He teases.

Phil glances up at his face. “Can I come inside? And eat you out after?” He asks suddenly.

Dan blinks. They’d been using condoms pretty regularly when penetration was involved, but Dan hadn’t slept with anyone else in months. “Um…” Dan starts, unsure what to say.

“I’ll use a condom if you want me to. But I know I’m clean. And you’re the only person I’ve been with in almost a year,” Phil says.

Dan’s brain short-circuits briefly as he tries to process that. “Okay,” he says faintly. He’s suddenly a little high on the idea that Phil isn’t sleeping with anyone else either, and what that could possibly mean for them.

“I can go bare?” Phil asks, the excitement audible.

Dan nods, reaching up and squeezing Phil’s hand. “Yeah. I trust you, babe.”

Phil leans down and kisses him. It’s an awkward angle, with Dan being on his stomach and all, but they make it work.

“Gonna grab the lube and check that you’re ready, okay?” Phil narrates his actions as usual, and Dan spares a thought to thank whoever is out there that he has found such a kind and considerate sexual partner.

The snick of the lube cap opening makes Dan shiver, but it’s nothing compared to the feeling of Phil sliding a finger into his hole. The movement is a little hesitant, and Dan looks back, unsurprised to find Phil’s hands shaking. They do that fairly often, especially when they’re being intimate, and Dan is past the point of pretending he hasn’t noticed. Carefully, he reaches back for Phil’s other hand, coming into contact with his wrist first before sliding his hand down to intertwine their fingers.

“It’s good, babe,” he says softly. “You can add another.”

Phil takes a shaky breath, but obliges. He’s careful, sliding the first finger out and then pressing back in gently with two. “You’ve got no idea…” Phil starts, sounding breathless. He starts scissoring his fingers apart then, and Dan moans softly. “Fuck. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve thought about this.”

His hands feel steadier now, and Dan wonders how much of that is because he’s holding one of them, and how much is simply because he’s distracted. Dan decides it can be both. “Yeah?” He murmurs. “Tell me about it. How did you picture this, when you thought about it?”

Phil clears his throat. “Well… it was a little different than this.”

“Yeah?” Dan asks.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees. “For starters, I could see your beautiful eyes when I thought about it.”

Something in Dan breaks, or maybe bends, when he hears that. He immediately reaches back, pulling Phil’s hand away from his body and rolling over onto his back before hitching his legs up. “What else?” He asks, making eye contact with Phil now.

Phil looks a little startled. “Oh. You didn’t have to-“

“I know,” Dan interrupts. “But I want you to have this exactly how you imagined it.” He reaches out, scrabbling for any part of Phil to draw him closer.

Phil allows himself to be led, his right hand inching down towards where Dan wants him the most. Phil shifts a little until he’s situated, hovering over Dan, his left arm propping him up. Their faces are so close together, and Dan’s breath catches when he meets Phil’s intense gaze. “You’re beautiful like this,” Phil murmurs.

Dan swallows hard so he doesn’t say something stupid. “What else? I want this to be perfect for you.” The I want to be perfect for you goes unspoken.

Phil shakes his head and leans in for a kiss at the same time he goes for three fingers. Dan moans into his mouth, his hips twitching of their own accord. “Is it good?” Phil asks. It’s not even in a sexy way, he’s just genuinely checking on Dan, which is somehow even hotter.

“So good. More, please,” Dan gasps against Phil’s mouth.

“Are you sure?” Phil asks, sounding nervous. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Won’t,” Dan gasps, tilting his hips into the rhythm of Phil’s fingers pathetically. “Just- just use a lot of lube, and go slow.”

“Okay,” Phil says, taking a long breath. “And you’re sure you’re okay with me going bare?” He triple-checks. And Dan loves him for many things, this being one of them, but he might actually die if Phil doesn’t get on with it.

He tells him as much, in far fewer words. “Phil. Honey. I’m so positive. Like, super, super sure about this.”

“Okay,” Phil finally agrees, although he still sounds a little unsure.

Dan hopes that hesitancy isn’t because of him.

Phil’s hands still shake as he pulls away from Dan, patting his hand around to try and locate the lube. He finds it under the pillow, and Dan waits for him to make a joke, or do one of his little trumpet noises, but it never comes. Dan’s breath catches a little when he recognizes, fully, that this time is different. He’s not sure what the difference is, exactly, but he knows it’s there, can feel it in the tension between them as Phil settles back between his legs.

“Okay,” Phil says, mostly to himself.

Dan pulls his knees up to his chest, giving Phil an easy angle. “Go ahead,” Dan says, his voice unintentionally soft.

Phil nods, and presses forward. Dan forces himself to breathe deeply as Phil pushes inside, the stretch a little overwhelming, even with the gallon of lube Phil poured over himself.

“Slower,” Dan manages to say, grappling for something to hold onto.

Phil’s hand finds one of his. “Okay,” he says quietly, slowly inching in a bit, then pausing. He repeats this several times, giving Dan plenty of time to get used to the stretch.

It takes more time than it usually does with other people, but eventually Phil runs out of cock, his hips pressed tightly to Dan’s. They’re both panting for breath, and Dan’s got his eyes squeezed shut like that will help him feel less overwhelmed. It doesn’t.

“Dan,” Phil breathes out. When Dan blinks his eyes open, he startles seeing how close Phil’s face is to his. “You promise it’s good?” Phil asks, his breath ghosting across Dan’s lips.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan says, nodding hurriedly. “I just- it’s just a lot.”

Phil nods. “Yeah.”

Dan swallows hard and forces himself to take several deep breaths, trying to adjust to the feeling of Phil buried deep inside him. It’s not quite the length, but the thickness, that’s really making Dan go weak in the knees.

“Can I…” Phil asks, his fingers rubbing gentle circles into Dan’s wrist.

“Yeah, baby, go ahead.”

Dan is expecting him to start properly fucking him then, so he’s surprised when instead, Phil pushes himself to sit up a little, collects both of Dan’s wrists in his hand, and pulls them up to the pillow above his head. Phil has a gentle grip, but he’s inarguably holding Dan down, and from the look on his face, he’s just as uncertain about it as Dan is.

“Is this… is this okay?” Phil asks, timidly.

Dan thinks about it. He wiggles his hands a little bit, finding that he actually doesn’t mind the feeling of his wrists being pressed to the pillow. He can think of one tiny improvement, though.

“It’s fine, but… C’mere,” he says softly. He flips one hand over, catching Phil’s hand and intertwining their fingers. “Wanna…” Dan blushes with what he’s about to say, but Phil’s staring at him with such wide, fond eyes, and Dan knows that he’d never judge him for what he wants. “Wanna hold your hands.”

Phil smiles. He shifts a little, spreading his own legs a bit and reaching down to pull Dan’s thighs up over his own. It pushes them even closer together, and it feels amazing. When he’s anchored himself sort of halfway beneath Dan, he reaches up for Dan’s other hand. It’s intense, having Phil all over and around him like this, holding his hands down against the pillow and staring straight into Dan’s soul as he begins rutting his hips into him.

“Fuck,” Dan whines helplessly. “Feels so fucking good.”

“Yeah?” Phil whispers. Dan can feel his own eyes rolling around in pleasure, but every time he blinks back into reality, Phil’s staring steadily at his face, a look that Dan can’t even begin to unpack painting his features.

“Harder,” Dan mumbles, trying to do anything but focus on the way Phil’s undivided attention makes him feel.

“No,” Phil replies. If anything, he actually slows his hips, rocking into Dan in long, smooth strokes.

Dan cries out, a frustrated noise that makes Phil’s eyebrows twitch in concern.

“Am I hurting you?” Phil asks, slowing to a stop and flexing his hands.

“No,” Dan whines, shaking his head. “Want you to go faster. Fuck me hard. Please.” He’s never really been one to beg, but apparently you’re never too old to learn new tricks.

Phil leans down and kisses him. It’s soft, probably the softest kiss they’ve shared all evening. “No,” he repeats.

When Dan starts to protest, Phil kisses his nose. That startles him enough to be quiet, staring up at Phil with wide, confused eyes. “Why the hell not?” He complains.

“Because…” Phil kisses him again, this time on his cheek. “I want this to be special. And I want you to last, okay? Can you do that for me?”

Dan’s nearly dizzy with the idea that Phil wants sex with him to be special. If there was ever something Phil could do to convince Dan that he might have feelings for him, this would be it.

“Okay,” Dan says numbly, having forgotten what Phil even said.

“Right. Then be good for me, yeah? Let me go slow.” As he says this, Phil pumps his hips out and back in, still slowly, but with enough fervor that Dan feels a prickle of arousal go down his spine.

“Oh,” Dan murmurs when Phil sets a steady rhythm, fucking in and out of him at such a languid, careful pace that it makes Dan dizzy. “That’s- that’s good,” he says quietly.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees. He kisses down Dan’s jaw. “Slow can be good, baby.”

Dan feels his face flush at the endearment. He’s usually the one tossing those out carelessly, especially during sex, so it lights something within him to hear Phil say it.

“Kiss me,” Dan murmurs.

Phil complies immediately, biting at Dan’s lips before opening his mouth to let his tongue in for a little explore. It’s a lot, but it’s so good, Dan might actually cry.

After what seems like hours of that gentle, steady pace, Phil seems to forget himself. His hips go faster, harder, and before too long, they’re both panting too hard to keep kissing. Instead, Dan resorts to running his stupid mouth.

“God, yeah. Fuck me so well, baby. Harder. Right- oh, right there!” He’s practically squealing by the time Phil finally releases one of his hands to reach down and wank him off.

He comes within minutes of Phil’s hand touching his dick, but he digs his heels into Phil’s back so he won’t pull out just yet. “Finish inside me, babe. Go on. Make a mess.”

Phil groans, dropping his head to Dan’s neck and mumbling something Dan can’t make out.

Dan strokes his back, squeezing around Phil a couple times until he feels him seize up, and then there’s a familiar flood of warmth in his hole. It’s objectively gross, but something about it makes Dan smile.

“Good,” Dan whispers as he strokes Phil’s hair. “Good job. Fucked me so well. Made me come so hard.” He mumbles nonsense as Phil calms down, his cock softening and eventually slipping out of Dan’s hole with little fanfare. Dan thinks he could lie there forever, holding Phil close and breathing in the scent of him, but Phil apparently has other plans.

“Wanna eat you,” Phil murmurs, pulling himself out of Dan’s koala-grip. “Do you want it on your front or back?”

Dan shrugs. “Like this is okay,” he says, pulling his knees up to his chest. He feels a gush of wet heat leave his body then, and blushes. Phil is staring at his hole with a hungry expression, and Dan barely has time to clear his throat to speak before Phil is diving in between his legs.

“I- oh!” Dan shouts, a little surprised. “Fuck.”

Phil is not messing about. He laps around Dan’s hole in wide strokes, cleaning him thoroughly before nudging the tip of his tongue in past that first little ring of muscle. Dan feels vulnerable like this, his hole properly fucked open wide for Phil’s taking.

“Taste so good,” Phil moans, scrabbling at Dan’s hips for something to hold onto while he eats him out.

Dan feels positively floaty with endorphins and lust and that other, pesky four-letter word that he refuses to say. He can think it, though, and that’s exactly what he does, the word practically screaming in his brain, bouncing around like one of those erratic DVD symbols on an old television set.

“Do you think you could come again?” Phil asks, taking a break to wipe at his mouth.

Dan considers it, shifting his hips and reaching down to give his spent cock a squeeze. He’s so fucking sensitive, and even though the idea of another round appeals to him in the hypothetical, he knows he can’t actually come again so soon.

“I don’t think so,” he admits. He reaches down to stroke Phil’s hair gently. “Are you finished? Do you wanna go wash up?”

Phil nods, stretching out until his back pops. “Oof. Yeah. How’s about we take a bath together?”

Dan loves that idea. “Yeah. Do you wanna blow out the candles while I go run the water?”

“Sure,” Phil agrees, but doesn’t move. He studies Dan for a second, and Dan self-consciously swipes at his face, worried he’d managed to get come somewhere on his cheek or something. Before he can ask what Phil is even staring at, he leans forward, pressing a gentle kiss to Dan’s hip. “Dan, I…” He pauses.

“What?” Dan asks, almost breathless. He wants to see what lives on the other side of that ‘I’.

Phil smiles at him, then shakes his head. “I just… I’m really glad I met you.”

Dan blinks. That’s not what he was expecting at all. And he’s not sure how he feels about the way it makes every limb of his body tingle. “Really?” he asks. He can’t help but sound skeptical.

Phil nods. “Of course,” he says before slowly crawling up Dan’s body, planting kisses everywhere he can reach as he goes. “You’re my favorite person.”

Dan feels unnecessarily ruffled by that, since he automatically perceives it as a lie. “Your mum is your favorite person,” he argues.

Phil huffs, an offended look on his face. “My mum doesn’t count,” he says primly.

Dan smirks. “I’ll be sure to tell her you said that.”

Phil pinches his leg and pretends he hasn’t when Dan squeals. “You’ll do no such thing,” he says.

“Fine,” Dan says, patting Phil’s hand. “I’m your favorite person in the whole world?” He asks, as if to double-check.

Phil nods. “Yup. Until we make contact with the aliens, at least.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Sure. Well if I’m your favorite person…” he says, trailing a teasing hand over Phil’s chest. Phil seems a little dazed, which means he isn’t expecting it when Dan leans in and whispers, “then you’ll wash my hair when we get into the bathtub, right?” He says sweetly.

Phil blinks. Then laughs, leaning in and pressing his laughing mouth to Dan’s. “Yeah, babe. I’ll wash your hair, and your bits.”

“And order us dinner afterwards?” Dan asks, blinking up at him demurely.

Phil nods. “Yes, of course. Now, come on. Let’s go take a bath and you can tell me all about The Merchant of Venice and who you’ll be playing.”

~~~

The bath is wonderful, easily competing with the sex as the highlight of Dan’s evening. Neither of them seem to be in any kind of rush to actually wash, and Phil lets Dan talk for the majority of it, his arms wrapped loosely around Dan’s waist as he runs a loofa over Dan’s chest and arms slowly. Dan rubs his hands over Phil’s knees that bracket his own on either side, and every now and then, Phil squeezes his thighs around him, almost like a hug.

Dan never wants to leave.

Eventually, though, the water goes cold and they both get kind of pruny. Phil is the first to suggest it’s time to get out, and even though he whines a bit, Dan agrees that he’s hungry and ready for a warm bed. They get themselves sorted out with fluffy towels, Phil inexplicably with three and Dan with just one, as usual.

“I’ll go change the sheets while you order dinner?” Dan suggests, kissing Phil’s neck as he finishes washing his face at the sink.

“Mm. This is why I like you so much,” Phil says with a grin. “Always coming up with these practical co-inhabiting ideas.”

Dan flushes. He hadn’t even considered that, but it typically does feel like they’re properly sharing this space, and the chores, when Dan is here. He can’t imagine how it would feel to actually live with Phil, to be a part of his daily life all the time. Actually, he can imagine it- and that’s the problem. He can imagine it far too well.

“Right,” Dan says belatedly. “I want Japanese tonight, I think,” he says, ignoring the domestic thoughts currently flooding his brain. “And don’t forget to ask for extra sauces.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Phil says, waving him out of the room. “I’ve got it. Meet me in the lounge to help me pick something to watch when you’re finished, okay?” He says, kissing Dan’s cheek as he saunters out of the room.

Dan has to shake himself out of his stupor and focus on going about stripping the sheets off the bed. Phil’s bed. It’s not shared, really. It’s just… borrowed?

Okay, maybe Dan is losing it a little bit.

After remaking the bed using the extra sheets Phil keeps at the top of his closet, Dan steals a cozy jumper from the dresser and makes his way to the lounge. Phil is sat on the sofa, scrolling on his phone, the tv on in front of him, but nothing selected. He glances up when Dan walks in the room, smiling and patting the sofa beside him. “C’mere. I want cuddles.”

Dan smiles to himself as he obliges, settling down next to Phil and tucking himself up under his waiting arm. “Did you order?”

“I did. Should be here in half an hour. What’re you in the mood to watch tonight?” Phil asks, handing Dan the remote.

Dan shrugs, but flicks over to Netflix to scroll through their options. He’s learned that he and Phil have almost the exact same taste in television, but sometimes it’s nice to put on something neither of them have any interest in so they can talk instead, without feeling like they’re missing anything important. Dan isn’t sure if this is one of those nights or not. If he’s completely honest with himself, his emotions are a little rubbed raw after all the excitement of the day, and he’s not quite sure he can handle the weight of any other deep conversations.

Apparently, he takes too long to decide, because Phil slips the remote out of his hand and clicks on a random title. It’s some shitty holiday romcom that Dan’s positive neither of them will care about, but somehow, with Phil selecting it, it feels like the right choice.

“Can you grab the blanket?” Phil asks, nodding to the far corner of the sofa where his fuzzy blanket lives.

Dan reaches out for it, tugging it over their laps neatly before dropping his head onto Phil’s shoulder and studying the tv screen. Phil brings his hand up to Dan’s hair, gently playing with the wet curls. It’s nice, Dan thinks to himself. All of it, the hand in his hair, the snuggling, the mindless chatter on the tv. Dan could almost fall asleep just like this, he reckons.

“Dan,” Phil murmurs, breaking Dan out of his hazy, lovesick thoughts.

“Hm?” Dan hums back, too tired to lift his head.

“I… I really enjoyed earlier. And… and I wanted to say thank you, for always being there for me.”

It comes a little bit out of nowhere, if Dan’s honest.

“Oh… well… of course, babe.” He doesn’t mean for the pet name to slip out, and he immediately bites his tongue as soon as it does.

Phil drops his arm then, pulling Dan into a proper hug, which of course, he twists to reciprocate. “I meant it, what I said earlier. About you being my favorite person. I think…” Phil trails off, and Dan glances up at him, surprised at how intense and deep in thought he appears. His eyebrows are furrowed, and his gaze is slightly unfocused, peering somewhere in the vicinity of the hallway towards his room, where Dan had found him earlier when he arrived.

“Yeah?” Dan prompts gently when Phil doesn’t continue.

Phil glances down at him, and his gaze finally settles into something more familiar. That soft, sweet smile, the one Dan likes to pretend is reserved just for him. “I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He says it so simply. Like it’s as easy as breathing.

Meanwhile, the sentiment makes Dan choke on his own breath.

“What?” He asks, sure he’s just misheard.

Phil nods. “I know it sounds crazy, and maybe we haven’t been… well, anyway. I think you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.”

Even the rephrased version doesn’t make any more sense in Dan’s brain. He can’t imagine how someone like Phil would see Dan as anything other than, at the worst, a minor inconvenience, and at the best, a convenient friend.

“Phil, I-“

Whatever declarations Dan is planning on making gets cut off by the sound of the buzzer signaling the arrival of their food.

“Ooh, that’d be our dinner!” Phil says, untangling himself from Dan. He leans in for a quick kiss before he stands, something that Dan barely has time to reciprocate before Phil’s off to answer the door. “Be right back,” he sing-songs as he goes.

Dan tries to catch his breath, or get himself together, but he finds himself properly rattled. There’s just no way that Phil could think, let alone say, the things he just said to Dan. And yet… he did.

Phil comes back with the food and an entirely different demeanor, happy and bubbly and not in any way serious or heartfelt. Dan spends the rest of the evening nursing a glass of rosé and a case of whiplash, trying his best to make sense of the newfound revelations.

~~~

Dan stays the night that time. Because of course he does, after fucking and eating and cuddling on the sofa, the idea of going back to his own shitty flat, where he’d be all alone, is the least appealing idea in the world. He leaves the next morning, because despite the bubble he feels they’d built for themselves the night before, they both still have work, and class, and lives outside of each other. The idea almost seems laughable to Dan, now.

He wants to rush back over to Phil’s immediately after classes end that day, but he doesn’t want to be completely pathetic. He makes himself wait until the weekend, a whole three agonizing days, before he texts Phil asking if he can come over again.

Dan: r u busy this weekend

Phil: Yea

Dan: oh nvm

Phil: busy with you. What did you have in mind?

The text makes Dan grin, his inner lovesick fool twirling his hair and kicking his feet stupidly.

Dan: can I come over? And play final fantasy with you?

Phil: of course. Lmk when you’re on your way and I’ll order pizza

Dan: k

Dan just about skips on his way to the bus stop, too excited for his own good. He chastises himself several times. It’s stupid to be this excited about seeing someone, to feel his stomach filled with stupid adolescent butterflies. It’s not like they’re dating, he reminds himself. He needs to get a fucking grip.

Somehow, the self-lecture doesn’t work. He gets to Phil’s flat without losing the pep in his step, humming cheerfully to himself as he makes his way up the stairs. He knocks, but tries the knob without waiting, smiling when he finds it’s unlocked. “Phil? Do you realize you’re going to get axe-murdered one of these days?”

There’s a laugh from the lounge, and then Phil calls back, “by who? You? You’re scared of blood, remember?”

Dan shucks off his coat and turns the corner into the lounge, his heart skipping when he sees Phil’s cute little face smiling at him over the back of the sofa. “Shut up. Am not,” Dan protests as he walks over and leans down to give Phil a little hello kiss. “Did you order pizza yet?”

Phil nods. “I did. C’mere, I want more kisses.”

Dan tuts, shaking his head even as he makes his way around the sofa, plopping himself almost directly in Phil’s lap. “Needy,” he teases as he leans in for a proper snog.

Phil rumbles some faint complaint, but it’s lost to the feeling of his mouth on Dan’s, and his hands roaming up and down Dan’s back. “I’ll give you a blowjob if you get the door when the pizza gets here,” Phil whispers against Dan’s mouth.

“Pft,” Dan can’t help but snort. “Do we even have enough time? How awkward would it be if we got cock-blocked by the pizza guy?”

“Well…”

“Imagine he knocks on the door, and you go into full meerkat mode, your mouth stuffed with dick.”

“Dan!” Phil squeals, likely at how vulgar he’d just been.

“I’m just saying!” Dan laughs. “Statistically, it’s very likely that we’d been interrupted!”

“Statistically, we’d have time to do it, if you’d shut your mouth,” Phil informs him.

Dan huffs. Before he can even deny that, the door buzzer goes, proving him right without him even having to say a word. He doesn’t say anything, but he’s got a massive smirk on his face when Phil glances at him.

“I don’t suppose you’ll answer the door anyway?” Phil tries.

Dan snorts. “Uh, unsucked cock here. You go get it yourself, bub.”

“Ugh. Fine,” Phil whines, but drags himself off the bed and makes his way to the front door. “Set up a show for us to watch?” he requests as he leaves the room.

Dan nods, already reaching for the remote to do just that. “Sure.”

He’s scrolling through their options on HBOMax when he feels something buzz under his leg. He startles, but reaches down for it, trying to find his phone, so he’s surprised when instead, he finds Phil’s. It must have slipped out of his pocket or something, Dan thinks.

He doesn’t mean to look at the message.

It’s not his business, and ordinarily, he would never do something like that. But it buzzes a second time, and instinctively, he looks down.

And immediately wishes he hadn’t.

There’s two messages from someone called Liam.

Liam: hey sweetheart, when can I come over?

Liam: and don’t pull that shit you did last time, I know you’re free

Dan sits there, staring at the messages numbly.

Who is Liam? And why is he texting Phil like…

“Hey, Dan? Could you bring me my wallet?” Phil suddenly calls from the front door.

Dan shakes himself, dropping the phone like he’s been burnt. “Uh… Yeah, sure.”

“It’s on my dresser,” Phil calls back.

Dan nods to himself, standing up on shaky legs and making his way to Phil’s messy bedroom. He’s not sure if it’s fate, or just his clumsy legs and Phil’s tendency to not put things back where they go, but Dan manages to trip over a box sitting on the floor at the edge of Phil’s bedroom door, spilling the contents.

It’s the box of photos.

“Shit,” Dan mutters to himself, crouching down to scoop them back into the box. He almost feels like some sort of criminal, especially after the almost-argument that occurred the last time this box was the center of their conversation. He’s almost got all the photos scooped up when he notices something odd.

Well, someone.

And not odd, exactly, but… familiar. And not the kind of familiar someone he doesn’t know should be. As he flips through the handful he’s got, he thinks seeing that same face staring back at each time would be the worst part, until he gets to some more… intimate photos. Photos that would make Dan blush, if all the blood hadn’t completely rushed out of his body the moment he put two and two together.

“Dan?” Phil calls. He sounds nervous, or worried. “Did you get lost?”

And the thing is… The man in these photos… Looks a lot like the man Dan saw on the stairs of Phil’s flat that day. And if Dan thinks even further back… The blonde hair, mischievous little smirk… It looks a lot like the man that was leering at him that night in the club, when they went out with Martyn and Cornelia.

Liam.

“Dan!” Phil calls again, this time sounding more concerned, almost upset.

Dan fumbles further into the bedroom and grabs Phil’s wallet off his dresser, but he’s moving entirely on autopilot. His brain feels foggy and slow, almost like he’s been drugged. He doesn’t know what to do with this new knowledge, but he knows that suddenly he doesn’t feel like eating pizza or watching a show or playing a game or - or anything that has to do with him being anywhere near Phil right now.

Phil is stood making awkward-small talk with the pizza delivery guy, who looks incredibly bored. When Phil hears Dan’s shuffling footsteps he turns around, his face lighting up for a second when he sees him. He reaches out for the wallet, and his smile drops when he sees what Dan is holding in his other hand.

Phil freezes, and for a brief moment, Dan thinks the pizza guy is about to be witness to a very tense, very awkward conversation. Instead, Phil takes the wallet, avoiding Dan’s other hand like it’s on fire.

“Right. So I owed you how much?” He sorts out paying for their food, gives a brief thanks, and then shuts the door.

Then they’re left standing in the foyer with a pizza, a phone, and a photo of someone that Dan’s got questions about.

“Um… I’m not sure what’s happening right now,” Phil admits, but there’s fear in his eyes that hadn’t been there before.

Dan’s heart sinks. He’s never been cheated on, and he guesses this doesn’t really count, since they aren’t dating, but… but this is someone he trusted, in every way. He even trusted Phil enough not to use condoms, and honestly, how stupid could he be? Clearly Phil hadn’t told the truth about his other sexual activities.

“Liam texted you,” Dan says. He’s not sure what else to say. From the look on Phil’s face, that’s more than enough.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Phil gestures with the pizza to the lounge. “Should we go…”

Dan nods, trying to cool himself off. Maybe he’s overreacting.

He follows Phil into the lounge, but neither of them sit down. Phil puts the pizza box on the coffee table, and then stands, staring at Dan with a lost expression. “I don’t really… I don’t know what’s happening. Why do you… Why do you have those photos?”

Dan shrugs, dropping them onto the coffee table. He wouldn’t be bothered if he never saw them again, to be honest. “I tripped over the box on my way to get your wallet. And then it occurred to me that he looked familiar. That, and the messages, kind of sorted everything out for me.”

Phil still looks confused. “Okay… So, you were looking through my messages?” He doesn’t sound angry, just… confused.

“Not on purpose,” Dan says, offended at even the idea that he’d betray Phil’s trust like that. “I was minding my business when he texted, and I was sitting on your phone. I saw the texts by accident.”

“Oh. Okay. And you… I still don’t understand what- how do you know about Liam?”

Dan laughs once, without humor. “Your brother pointed him out at that bar we went to, a couple weeks ago. Didn’t say much about him, but you were weird, so I guess you saw him too, huh?” It didn’t really occur to Dan until now, but it makes sense.

“Yeah…” Phil says slowly. “Did my brother tell you anything about him?”

“Not really. He didn’t have to. I saw Liam leaving here, too, the other day when I came by to tell you about getting the part in the play.”

Phil’s face pales.

Dan’s heart shatters. If he needed an admission of guilt, even a silent one, this is it.

“You saw him?” Phil asks. He sounds oddly worried, and Dan can’t quite figure out why at first, until he realizes that Phil must know that Dan knows the truth.

“Yeah, mate. Left you in a fucking tizzy that day, didn’t he?” Dan hates how mean he sounds, but he can’t help it.

Phil’s shoulders slump. “Look, Dan, I was going to tell you, but…”

Dan laughs. He tries to feign some sense of normalcy, well aware that he needs to leave here with his head up high, not embarrassed by being cheated on, or worse, being the other man. “It’s fine, honestly.”

Phil looks confused. “What?”

Dan shrugs. “I don’t care. It’s your business, not mine. I don’t have to live with it.”

Phil’s eyebrows furrow, like he’s trying to figure something out. “So… it doesn’t bother you?” He asks slowly.

Dan grits his teeth, but forces a fake smile. He’ll march out of here like the most unbothered bitch in the world, and cry himself to sleep later. He can do it. “No, why would it?”

“Well, it’s just…” Phil shrugs, clearly floundering for something. “Most boyfriends would be upset seeing artifacts from the ex, or even the ex trying to reach out again.”

A couple of things in that sentence stop Dan in his tracks.

Boyfriend?

Ex?

Dan huffs. Here Phil is, trying to placate him now that he knows he’s caught. Right.

“Good thing I’m not your boyfriend. And, yeah, some ex. Liam wants to come over. I guess you two can share the pizza,” Dan says before stomping his way to the door.

He’s already in the foyer, putting on his coat, when Phil comes rushing out. “Wait, what?” He demands. “You’re leaving?”

Dan shrugs his coat on, laughing coldly. “Yeah. Wouldn’t want to intrude. Tell Liam I said hi.”

“Wait- Dan! I thought you said you understood? That you weren’t upset!” Phil pleads, tugging at his coat sleeve before Dan can walk out of the flat entirely.

“Oh, I’m not. No point, really, since I see where I stand.” Dan stops, shaking his head at Phil sadly. “But it does make me sick, that you were fucking both of us, and neither of us even knew about the other.” He turns to leave, shrugging Phil away from him.

Phil makes a strangled noise. “Dan, I wasn’t- what are you- are you- are we breaking up right now?”

That pulls Dan up short. The boyfriend comment he could ignore, but this?

What the fuck?

Dan whirls around, and Phil clearly wasn’t expecting that, startling back like he’s been slapped. “Breaking up? We were never even fucking dating, Phil.”

Phil stares at him like he’s gone mad. “What did you just say?”

“We aren’t dating. We never were. We’re just friends who fuck, right? And honestly, not even that! You wanted me for your stupid photo series! Well, I hope you got what you fucking wanted.”

With that, he’s pushing out the door and making his way down the hall, ignoring Phil calling for him.

Dan knows he won’t chase after him. Part of Dan wants him to, but he knows guys like this. When they’ve got two options, why bother chasing the difficult one? He’s more trouble than he’s worth, clearly, if Phil has already resorted back to someone he’s got some sort of past with.

Maybe they’ll be happy together.

Dan just wishes he wasn’t the collateral damage.

~~~

Dan cries on the bus home. He cries himself sick when he gets there, heaving over the toilet for hours before he crawls into bed and eventually cries himself to sleep. He cries more over the next few days than he’s ever cried in his whole life, he thinks, but the following Tuesday he still drags himself out of bed, forces himself to go take his exams, then go to his first rehearsal.

He hopes his face isn’t ugly and puffy, but he’s almost positive it is. Maybe people will just think that’s how he looks. He’s certain he’ll be looking like that for the foreseeable future, anyway.

When he arrives, people are already scurrying around, people carrying props and costumes and scripts, and Dan is afraid he’s both late and early.

Luckily, he spots a familiar face.

“Dan!” Millie greets him brightly. “There you are. You’re actually the first of the cast to arrive, today.”

“Oh… I thought we had to be here by four…” Dan feels awkward, suddenly.

Millie waves her hand. “The crew gets here by four, the cast usually don’t start rolling in until about half-past, but I’m glad to see you! Come meet the director, he’s very excited to see you again.”

Dan nods, following Millie into the theatre, where it’s a bit quieter, but no less busy. There’s a table set up in front of the first row, and an older gentleman with stark grey hair is standing there speaking to what appear to be tech people, decked out in headsets and black clothing.

“And I’d like for you to just watch the first read-through and start getting some notes about who may need to be mic’d up, and I may think of some preliminary cues as we go through, if that’s alright?” He’s saying. He’s got a nice voice, gentle but firm, like he’s a man who’s been in this business long enough to know what he expects from the people who work for him. Dan can appreciate that in a director, but he is automatically a little weary about how their personalities might clash.

“Ivan, this is Daniel. Our Antonio,” Millie says when it appears the man, Ivan, is finished speaking with the tech crew.

Ivan turns, smiling broadly when he sees Dan. He’s got a goatee and round glasses, and looks far friendlier than he did during the auditions, but that was probably just a result of Dan’s nerves.

“Ah, yes! Hello, Daniel, it’s good to see you again. I’m Ivan Lowry, the director of this production.” Ivan sticks his hand out for a handshake, and although weary, Dan tries to return it firmly.

“Pleasure to meet you, sir,” Dan says. “I suppose the audition didn’t really count,” he tacks on with a laugh.

Ivan laughs as well. “Ah, but it is true that first impressions count! Your first impression was an impressive one, lad, one I don’t think we’ll be forgetting anytime soon.” He’s got a bit of an Irish lilt to his voice, and Dan idly wonders why on earth he’s in London.

“Well, thanks, sir,” Dan says, a bit awkwardly. He was always terrible at accepting any kind of compliments or praise, unless it was -

Nope. Not going there. Not today.

“And I have to say, not that looks are all that important to me in terms of casting, but your headshots were gorgeous! Very professional looking, I honestly was surprised to see that you weren’t a seasoned, professional actor.” Ivan and Millie share an impressed look. “If you don’t mind me asking, who did your photos?”

Dan’s throat constricts, but he reminds himself that he mustn’t cry, especially not in front of these people. “Right. My, erm…” he already hates himself for what he’s about to say, but he’s not sure of a better way to explain it. “My ex-boyfriend did them. He’s a photographer.”

“Ah,” Ivan says, clicking his tongue in that pitiful way people have when they learn something sort of depressing about someone they’d just met. “Well, it’s a shame it didn’t work out between the two of you, but at least you got some good photos out of it!”

Dan nods, numbly. Right. Good photos. Good sex. An irrevocably broken heart.

Not fucking worth it.

“Right, well, let’s get you a script and start going through some preliminary notes, shall we?” Ivan says, clapping his hands together.

Dan nods, shaking himself out of his melancholy. “That sounds great.”

~~~

The days go by slowly, filled with crying, longing, and regret, with rehearsals two, sometimes three, times a week, if he can bribe his co-actors to meet up with him to run lines. It’s nice having a break, but with classes being dismissed for the holidays, Dan finds the days seem sort of… meaningless.

He gets a text from Phil on a Wednesday a week after his first rehearsal.

Phil: Hey. I know you don’t want to speak, but I just wanted to tell you that I was offered a photo gallery exhibit room at the uni for the photo series.

Dan: Congratulations.

Phil: Are you alright with me accepting it? I won’t if you’re not comfortable with that.

Dan: I don’t care what you do. Just delete the photos when it’s over.

Phil: What? Why?

Dan: I don’t need to take up more space in your camera or storage
Dan: I already took up enough space in your life

Phil: Dan, that’s not true.

Dan: whatever. I don’t care what you do with the gallery thing, okay? Just stop talking to me

Phil: Dan
Phil: Please
Phil: We can’t just act like we never met.

Dan: That’s exactly what we can do.

Phil: I don’t want to do that

Dan: stop texting me

Surprisingly, Dan doesn’t hear another peep.

He regrets it for days after, though.

~~~

They’re a couple weeks from showtime, and Dan has managed to convince his co-actors, the people he’s slowly starting to consider his new friends, to come over to his shitty little flat to run lines. It’s mainly an excuse for Dan to not be alone with his thoughts, and pretend he’s actually being somewhat productive, but for them it’s just a good chance to drink and hangout with friends, and Dan’s happy to pretend like that’s all he’s there for, as well.

“Portia says trans rights,” Olivia announces after knocking back a shot of tequila.

Luckily, they sympathized with Dan the broke uni student and brought their own liquor, but Dan’s still a little surprised at the direction the night has gone in. “Pardon?” He splutters out with a laugh.

Olivia cackles, much to everyone’s delight. She’s so oddly different than the character she’s playing, but somehow so similar. “You know. The whole, “god made him as a man so let him pass as a man” bit, or whatever she says.”

“Fuck off, Liv, you don’t even know your lines,” Isaac, the bloke playing Shylock says, kicking across the sofa at Olivia’s shoe. Dan secretly thinks they’re fucking, but he’d never admit it.

“I do too!” Olivia says, but her voice falters. They all know that’s utter bullshit, anyway.

Emma, the sweet girl who plays Jessica, pipes up then, “I think Shakespeare would be chill with us pretending that this play is a supporter of trans rights.”

Dan laughs along with the others. “Do you reckon?”

Emma nods, but Isaac snorts. “Might as well. It sure doesn’t do shit for Jewish rights.” The group quietly agrees. One thing Dan had been impressed with on the director’s part is hiring an actual Jewish person to play the roll of Shylock. He and Isaac have had many conversations over the past month of rehearsals, a sensitivity boot camp of sorts for some of the shit Dan’s character says and does to Isaac’s in the play.

“That’s actually a really good line, though, Olivia,” Dan says, bringing the conversation back to that. “It’s actually just, “God made him, so therefore let him pass for a man,” but like… you’re right, it does sound like that’s what it’s talking about.”

“See!” Olivia brags. “I told you guys! The resident Shakespeare nerd agrees with me.”

A week into rehearsals, a comment like that would’ve hurt Dan’s feelings. Now it just makes him laugh, because he knows that’s just Olivia.

“You know, I think my favorite line is one of yours, Dan,” Adam suddenly says. He’s the quiet guy who got casted as Bassanio. Dan was a little surprised by that choice when they first met, but he’s since learned that once on stage, Adam really comes alive with his character.

“Really?” Dan asks. His character does say some bullshit, sometimes, so he’s trying to think of anything worthwhile. “Which one?”

“‘The devil can cite scripture for his purpose’,” Adam quotes. He nods to himself. “It’s interesting, from a religious perspective.”

Dan nods, because it is. He’s about to ask Adam a question about that, because religion is a conversation he knows he could get proper into, but then Olivia is interrupting them. “I think my favorite line is one of Emma’s.” Emma looks surprised, but before she can ask which one, Olivia is reciting, “but love is blind, and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit.”

Emma looks touched that Olivia remembers that line. “That’s one of my favorites too,” she says softly. They exchange a look that has Dan questioning his suspicion about Olivia and Isaac.

But then he thinks about the line Olivia had quoted. Love really is blind, he muses. Shakespeare definitely had that right. And people in love do act foolish, even if that love is one-sided. Dan wonders if that’s why it’s “love is blind.” Can the other person just not see how much he loves them? Is Phil that fucking clueless? Are they both that foolish?

He’s so engrossed in his own spiral that he barely notices when one of his roommates walks into the lounge.

“Er, Dan,” he says. His name is James, and he’s the roommate Dan likes best, if he had to pick one.

“Oh, hey, mate. Sorry. I texted the group chat that I was having some mates around to- to rehearse.” He feels a little lame saying it, like he’s a little kid having to explain himself to his parents.

“That’s fine. I checked the letterbox, here’s your mail,” James passes him a couple of envelopes and surveys the snacks and drinks they’ve got spread out. “Mind if I steal some snacks?” He asks.

Dan waves him off, nodding. “Yeah, that’s fine, go ahead and-“

He freezes. The second envelope, a rather ornate silver thing, has a handwritten address, in a very familiar, sloppy handwriting.

His friends continue talking around him, but Dan’s almost positive he’s about to pass out or do something equally as ridiculous. Phil sent him something. Dan’s fairly certain he knows what it is, given it’s about the size of an invitation, but he wasn’t expecting to hear from Phil again, like, ever. And yet… here he is.

Dan carefully opens the envelope and slips out the card, and sure enough, a pleasant calligraphy greets him on the front with a simple, “you’re invited!”

Dan can tell there’s handwriting on the inside, but he’s a little afraid to open it. Especially here, in front of these people, who don’t even know him, not really.

He opens it anyway. Besides, no one is paying attention to him. They’re doing a game of “snog, marry, avoid,” Shakespeare edition, and Dan doesn’t care that he’s missing out on it.

Inside the card is a long message.

Dan,
I’m sorry for what happened the last time we texted, and the time before that when we fought. I didn’t realize I’d misunderstood the situation between us, and I’m sorry if I offended you. I do miss you terribly, though. I miss our friendship, spending time together, our inside jokes. I miss the parts of us that I thought were romantic, but I would trade even that if it meant I got to be your best friend again.
I understand if you no longer want that with me, but if you do, I’d really really love to have it back. I’m not asking for more than friendship, and I promise I will respect your decision if you no longer want anything to do with me at all.
If you don’t want to come to the photo gallery, I understand. I would love to have you there, though. Really. The photo series was nothing until that first day I saw you, and regardless of how you may or may not feel about me, you deserve to see yourself the way I see you, at least once.
PS, if you do come, please give me a chance to speak to you. There’s something I want to clear up, and then you can forget me, if that’s what you want.
PPS. It’s honestly ridiculous how much I miss your face, and I’d love to see it again.
Yours always, Phil.

Dan doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels a tap on his arm. Emma, always the thoughtful one, has come over to check on him.

“You alright, love?” She asks, quietly enough that the others won’t overhear.

“Uh… y-yeah,” Dan stutters out shakily. “I just…” He’s still staring at the invitation, in a state of almost-shock. “Have you ever like…” what he’s about to say sounds ridiculous, even to himself, but it’s the best way he can describe it. “Like, seen a ghost?”

Emma doesn’t even bat an eye. “Maybe. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a dead one, though. Mine are usually more like… hypotheticals. Like the things I’ve almost done or the people I’ve lost contact with.”

Dan lets out a little sigh of relief. That’s exactly the kind of thing he meant. “Yeah, exactly that,” he says, trying hard to hide his relief. He waves the invitation in a little pathetic circle. “Think this is my first ghost of Christmas past,” he says lamely.

Emma smiles sympathetically. “Is it someone you didn’t want to hear from?”

And Dan isn’t sure how to answer that, so he shrugs. Apparently, that isn’t the right answer, or at least not a very helpful one, because Emma just quirks an eyebrow at him. “Well. No. I told him I didn’t but…”

“What are the stakes?” Emma asks, catching him off-guard again.

“What?” He asks, laughing awkwardly.

Emma shrugs. “Well… Let’s say you reach out to this person now that he’s extended some sort of olive branch,” she says, gesturing to the invitation. “What’s the worst that could happen, and what’s the best?”

Dan stares at her. He hadn’t thought about it, really. After their last text conversation, Dan hadn’t been expecting to hear from Phil again at all, especially not via snail mail.

“I…” He starts, struggling to form a response.

Emma stops him with a gentle hand on his wrist. “You don’t have to answer me,” she says. “I just think you should think about that. If the best thing that could happen is worth more to you than the pain of whatever the worst thing is… maybe it’s worth it to reconnect.”

Dan blinks at her, almost in awe of her wisdom. She’s twenty-three, quite a bit younger than him, and yet she’s got loads more practical sense than he does. “I feel like I should be paying you by the hour for that kind of advice,” Dan says, deadpan.

His co-actor just laughs, shaking her head. “Absolutely not. If I accepted payments I’d feel too responsible when things in your life inevitably went to shit.”

“Right,” Dan says. He swallows hard at the reminder, however joking it was, that things could in fact, go to shit even more if he were to reach back out to Phil. “Still… Thanks, for that.” He finds that he actually, genuinely means it. It was great advice, and vague enough that Dan didn’t feel like his personal life had been super pried into.

Emma shrugs. “That’s what friends are for, Daniel,” she tells him easily.

Dan’s stupid eyes almost water at hearing her confirm that they are, in fact, friends. He had been concerned that maybe that wasn’t the case on both sides, so he’s relieved that he wasn’t fully mistaken.

Luckily, before he can have a crisis about that, they’re dragged back into the conversation by a very insistent Olivia, who is demanding to know Emma’s and Dan’s lists of their top ten fuckable Shakespeare characters. Emma starts rattling off her list almost immediately, while Dan retreats back to his mind palace for just a second, carefully tucking the invitation back into the envelope and tucking it into the front pocket of his hoodie to consider later, when he’s alone.

The thought of seeing Phil again so soon makes his stomach warm with nerves, but he firmly repeats Emma’s words: what’s the worst that could happen?

~~~

Dan can’t believe he’s doing this. He’s somehow sweating with nerves and shivering from the cold at the same time, neither of which are helping his decision to leave his hair curly for the evening.

He’s not even inside the freaking gallery yet.

Instead, he’s loitering outside like a weirdo, trying to psyche himself up to go inside and face his fear of rejection and confrontation. Not to mention, the room he’ll be going to is going to be full of pictures of himself. He’s not even going to begin unpacking how that makes him feel.

The only reassuring thought he has is that he looks good. He’s wearing his tightest pair of black jeans, the ones that make his ass look like it’s actually got a shape, and an Alexander McQueen shirt with a leather jacket over it. He’d probably be freezing if it weren’t for the scarf he’d grabbed at the last second, but even then, he can feel his ears and nose growing colder and colder the longer he paces nervously outside the doors.

After ten minutes and more than a dozen weird looks tossed his way by other gallery-exhibit-goers, Dan decides he has no choice but to go inside.

It’s a very beautiful building on the inside, crisp white walls and shiny, dark wood floors that echo softly with the click of heels. The first room seems to be a lobby of sorts, and there are multiple people in nice suits or dresses who are making their way around the guests, handing out flutes of champagne and little finger snacks. Dan’s tempted by the alcohol, but knows that whatever conversation he’s about to have needs to be had sober.

A lady with sleek blonde hair pulled back in an elegant bun comes by and hands him a brochure. “Good evening, sir. This is a map of the gallery rooms with the artists’ names and information. If you’re looking for any particular artist, I can point you in the right direction,” she offers kindly.

Dan hesitates, glancing down at the brochure. It looks like Phil’s is the first room on his right, which means if he starts at the left and makes a big circle, he’ll be ending his rounds at Phil’s exhibit room. Perfect. More time to prolong the inevitable. “I’m not looking for anyone specific,” Dan lies. “I think I’ll just take a tour of each of them, but thank you.”

The woman nods, and continues on her way, leaving Dan to veer to the left without a glance at the doorway to his right. His body is practically vibrating with nerves now, knowing that Phil is so close, could have seen him come in, even. It makes him both uneasy and oddly… excited.

He starts in the first room, which appears to be an exhibit of sculptures, and slowly makes his way around, mostly pretending to peruse the pieces. His brain is still stuck on rewind mode, rethinking the last conversation he had with Phil, and the conversation he had a week or so ago with Emma.

Phil never technically admitted to doing anything with Liam. And like Dan so haughtily announced that night, he and Phil were never dating, which meant it never mattered in the first place if Phil actually was messing around with someone else.

Well. Except the part where they made the conscious decision to not practice safe sex together. That bothers Dan quite a bit. He’d gone for an STD test a few days after, and thankfully, he was given a perfect bill of health. That may be one of the reasons he’s started to thaw a bit, realizing that maybe he’d judged Phil too harshly, without properly hearing him out.

Either that or maybe he and Liam had slept together sometime during the months Dan and Phil had been sleeping together, and Liam was clean too. Either way, the thought made Dan feel sick.

What’s the worst that could happen tonight? He asks himself the same question again as he moves on to the next room, a painter’s work proudly displayed on the four walls. Phil could reject him, but it was unlikely, considering he’d been the one to invite him there. Phil could tell him he was right about Liam, that he had been seeing other people while he and Dan were… whatever they were. And that would hurt, and would mean Phil had lied, but was that even the worst thing that could happen tonight? Dan wasn’t so sure.

The best thing… Wondering about the best thing that could happen makes Dan feel like he’s trying to project himself into a hallmark movie. Because in his mind, the best outcome is Phil says that he wants to date him, or something equally as ridiculous. Dan never thought he was one to appreciate big romantic gestures, but that’s what he’s imagining when his brain goes down the path of “what do I really want?”

He moves to the next room. This one is a bit odd, moving sculptures and two odd exhibits with unique lighting and music giving an almost futuristic abstract artist vibe to it. Dan glances down at the program. The next room is Phil’s. Dan has dicked around for nearly an hour in the other three rooms already, and people have been steadily filing through this one the whole time he’s been wandering around. There are only three other people in this room with him now, and he wonders how busy Phil’s room will be. He hopes, selfishly, that maybe they’ll be alone.

He procrastinates another twenty minutes before he slowly marches himself towards the doorway leading to Phil’s exhibit room. As he walks in, there’s a small sign in front of the doorway, with instructions to start on the left side of the room and go around in a full circle. Dan turns to do that, but scans the room first, looking for a shock of black hair that would indicate Phil’s presence.

He isn’t there.

Dan doesn’t know if that should be a relief or not.

He turns to the wall on his left anyway, curious to see which photos made the final cut. Similar to the painter’s room, there is a conglomeration of different photos on each wall, and underneath the central photo of each set is a small dedication sign with a description. Dan has to squint a bit to read the first one:

Experiential Intimacy - When people bond during leisure activities. People may “sync up” their actions in teamwork or find themselves acting in unison.

Under the definition, there’s an inscription in quotations:

“We studied together in the library for hours. Well, you studied and I photographed you. We played so many games together. You never let me get away with cheating. We shopped for Christmas presents together. Yours is still at my flat, waiting for you.” - PL

Dan’s breath catches in his throat. Surely Phil didn’t… did he actually leave notes for Dan on each of these? Dan steps back a bit to actually focus on the pictures he’d chosen for this part, and he blinks in amazement at how incredible they turned out. There’s one of him at the library, looking over his laptop at Phil, clearly exhausted but with a gentle smile. One of Dan on Phil’s sofa, cozy in his York hoodie, a Nintendo switch controller in his hands and his feet clearly propped up in someone’s- Phil’s- lap. One of them Christmas shopping that one night, Dan pointing excitedly at a shop front, his hand clearly reaching back and holding Phil’s, just out of frame.

Dan is pretty certain he’s shaking at this point, seeing all these beautiful pictures of himself stretched to canvas making him a little overwhelmed. Even worse than that, though, is looking at his eyes in the photos, and seeing for himself the way he looks at Phil. It makes Dan’s gut lurch, knowing that after tonight, he may never have that again.

He moves to the next set of photos.

He can hear two other people talking quietly on the other side of the room, but a quick glance around assures him that other than those people and himself, the room is empty. Good, Dan thinks, maybe when I inevitably burst into tears from all this, I won’t be so fucking embarrassed.

The next set of photos scream intimacy, but not in the way Dan was expecting to see from this photo series project. The sexual one was the one Dan was expecting to feel that way about, but a glance at the card informs him that this is the “intellectual intimacy” wall. On it are pictures from that evening on the balcony, two photos of him talking with his hands, one with him perched on the edge of the balcony and the other with him sitting in the chair Phil kept out there. Another picture is from one of their days at the library, Dan clearly trying to explain something from a law textbook. It makes him look quite clever, but more than that, he feels oddly… seen. Like these photos are proof that someone out there can find what he says interesting, like they want to hear it even.

Like Phil wanted to hear it.

Dan forces himself to read the full description below the center photo.

Intellectual Intimacy: When people feel comfortable sharing ideas and opinions, even when they disagree.

The message from Phil beneath that reads:

“You’re so clever. You could talk for hours about the things you were passionate about. Your favorite music, movies, books, conspiracy theories. Fears, hopes, thoughts. I wanted to hear them all.” -PL

Dan has to wipe under his eye harshly, annoyed with himself for how stupidly emotional this is making him already. It feels ridiculous that Phil still has the power to do that to him, when he’s not even here.

The next set is the one Dan had been nervous about when he realized Phil was actually going to be showing them to other people. A brief glance at the photos proves there’s nothing super explicit, but Dan is still a little embarrassed to look, so he reads the caption first.

Sexual Intimacy: When people engage in sensual or sexual activities. When people use the word “intimacy,” they are often referring to this type.

“We shared something so much deeper than sex. Note to the viewers and not the subject: I apologize for the modesty. He’s perfect in every way, but I’m too selfish to share all of him.” -PL

Dan can’t help the flush that crawls up his cheeks when he reads that. On a shallow level, he’s thrilled at Phil’s use of the word perfect, but his brain is screaming, “deeper than sex! It was deeper than sex!” Over and over, nearly giving him a migraine.

The photos are classy, for being almost-nudes. In the central photo, Dan is simply laying shirtless on a familiar set of grey sheets, his hair mussed and his lips full and pink, clearly kissed raw. It reeks of sex, but in a soft way, a way that even with a glance, Dan can tell is more than just lust. The pictures scattered around it are various shots to the same degree, one photo a closer shot of just his neck down, pale lovebites littering his chest, and another of him gripping the pillow, his eyes fluttered shut as he is clearly caught mid-moan.

Dan hates himself a little bit for it, but that one almost makes him a little hard. He remembers the day they took those photos, how reticent Phil was to comply when Dan suggested they take them during the genuine act rather than fabricating it.

Dan kind of understands why Phil had that concern now. The photos, while they show nothing explicit, are incredibly… well, intimate. Dan almost regrets his pushiness now, almost wishes that those moments of vulnerability weren’t on display for people to see. But at the same time, part of him is a little happy that he could leave Phil with such nice photos of himself at his best.

The last set of photos are interesting, because there’s only two. There’s the photo Phil took that first day they met in the coffee shop, the one of Dan eating his pistachio muffin, and the other is from the day they went Christmas shopping. It’s one of the first photos Phil had taken that night, the one where Dan was stood holding both of their drinks, and he’s not looking at the camera. No, he’s looking past the camera, at Phil, and there’s a look on his face he’s never seen before. It’s soft, and sweet, and Dan immediately understands why Phil had looked so odd after taking it.

Dan looks like he is completely, undoubtedly, in love.

His throat seizes up and his eyes feel like they’re on fire as he struggles not to cry. He wants to, and he feels like it might just happen on accident, but he knows that he shouldn’t.

He forces himself to glance down at the description. It’s remarkably shorter compared to the others.

Emotional Intimacy: When people feel safe sharing their feelings with each other, even uncomfortable ones.

“I love you.” -PL

Dan can’t help the strangled gasp that comes out of him when he reads Phil’s note. He blinks the tears out of his eyes, or tries to, as if that’s going to change what it says. The words don’t change. Those three words are still there, blinking up at him innocently.

“I had to tell you,” a soft voice suddenly comes from behind him.

Dan nearly chokes, his crying tilting very close into sobbing territory as he turns and finds Phil looking back at him.

Phil looks amazing, as usual, wearing a smart, well-fitting navy blue blazer over a black turtleneck, black slacks hugging his legs. Dan’s never seen him dress this nice, but it’s a good look on him. He’s got his glasses on tonight, and his eyes are red around the rims, like he’d been crying recently as well.

“Phil,” Dan breathes, finally getting the crying under control.

Phil looks like he wants to reach out for him, but shoves his hands in his pockets instead. “I figured it was a shot in the dark, hoping you’d come and see these, but… I needed to tell you how I felt, somehow, and… And this felt like the most meaningful way to do it, without disturbing your day-to-day life,” Phil says softly.

Dan just stares at him. He doesn’t even know what to say. He’s never really one to be speechless, but he doesn’t even know what he could say that would encapsulate everything he’s feeling right now.

Apparently, that doesn’t do any favors for Phil’s nerves, because he starts rambling. “Listen, I know you didn’t want to speak to me ever again, and I get that, and I’m sorry if this is too much, but I knew that at least with this you had to make the choice to come here, so if you didn’t then it was like I wasn’t really losing anything, but I already have and-“

“Do you mean it?” Dan suddenly blurts. It’s the only question he cares about the answer to, right now.

Phil pauses in his rambling. “What?”

Dan gestures behind him at the photo dedication that sent his heart into near-dysfunction. “Do you… Do you actually feel that way about me?”

Phil’s confusion melts away into something like relief, and he smiles as he steps closer. He doesn’t seem to need to second-guess himself this time before reaching out to brush Dan’s curls back. “I’ve never loved anyone before, you know,” he starts quietly. Dan hasn’t even thought to check and see that they’re alone. He doesn’t even care. “Not the romantic kind, at least. It took me a while for it to click,” Phil says softly.

Dan shakes his head. “Not me. I knew pretty early on how I felt,” he admits.

Phil looks surprised. “Yeah?”

Dan nods. “The day it rained. You saw my hair curly for the first time and still thought I was cute, and then when we… I had to stop because I realized I…” Dan stops. He’s still not sure he can say it.

“You knew then?” Phil asks.

“Yeah.” Dan shrugs. “It wasn’t really rocket science, but it really took my head for a fucking spin.” He wants to laugh, almost, but there’s still so much that’s still unsaid.

“I wish I would’ve known I love you the whole time,” Phil says. “I mean, I thought we were dating since, like, the second or third photoshoot, but I just thought you were shy or something. And then when we started sleeping together…” Phil shakes his head. “I’ve been ready to say it for weeks, now.”

Dan wants to cry when he hears that. There he had been, worried that Phil was cheating on him with some other guy, and the whole time, Phil was ready to tell him he loved him. Dan sniffles. “Me too,” he admits.

Phil tugs gently on a curl. “You still haven’t said it back,” he reminds Dan, soft, almost like he’s embarrassed to bring attention to it.

Dan grins, stepping closer and wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck. “I love you,” he whispers before leaning in for a kiss.

Phil sighs against his mouth. “I wish you would’ve told me sooner,” he says quietly, like he doesn’t really want to admit it.

Dan wants to argue that Phil could’ve told him, but clearly they’d had their epiphanies at different times. “I was scared of you,” Dan says honestly.

Phil pulls back almost immediately, an almost offended look on his face. “What? Why?”

Leaning in for another kiss gives Dan a second to figure out how to phrase it. “Because… I’ve never been in love with someone before.” Dan doesn’t mean for it to sound like an invitation, or accusation, but Phil clearly picks up on the hidden context.

Phil pulls away to look at Dan’s face. “I dated a guy named Liam before you,” he explains. The name almost makes Dan cringe. “I thought I was in love with him, but he was super emotionally manipulative and basically tried to exile me from all my friends and family. He saw us at the bar that night and started messaging and harassing me again, mainly because he saw me with you and got jealous.”

“Oh,” Dan says slowly. He’s not sure what to make of all that.

“I’ve taken care of it, Martyn helped me get a restraining order, and I don’t think we’ll hear from him again, but… I haven’t ever been in love with anyone but you, Dan. I know that last time you came over… You thought I was cheating on you with him, but I swear I never had anything to do with him, even when he tried to come over and talk to me.”

“Okay,” Dan says easily. He wonders if it really is that easy, and has to stop and take stock of himself for a second and decide whether or not he feels any bitterness or confusion or jealousy about that situation. He doesn’t. Phil doesn’t owe him an explanation in the first place, but he got one, and he’s satisfied with that.

How could he not be, though, when Phil loves him?

“Are you sure?” Phil asks, clearly still weary. “I know you were so upset that day, and you had every right to be, because it did look sketchy on the outside.”

Dan shakes his head. “No, I just jumped to conclusions too fast. I have this problem with letting myself trust people and accept that some people are just good people, but I promise I’m working on that.”

Phil nods. “Okay. I’m proud of you. I think we both have some raw spots we could work on, if we’re going to make this work.”

And there it is. The part of the conversation that lives beyond the closure of what felt like a weird post-breakup chat. What do they do now? And really, Dan only knows one thing that he wants for sure.

“Are you my boyfriend?” He asks, uncaring of how needy he may sound.

If he does sound needy or annoying, Phil clearly isn’t bothered by it. He smiles, and nods. “Yeah, Dan, I’m your boyfriend.” He squeezes Dan’s left hand as he says it, and something in Dan settles. He knows this is more than just a photo series, more than just a friendship, more than just a relationship, even. This is his person.

“Well, boyfriend,” Dan says, the word slipping out as easy as breathing. “How would you feel about coming to see your boyfriend perform in his first big show next week?”

Phil grins, and presses that happiness straight to Dan’s mouth. “I would love nothing more.”