constantblathering
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Summary
Hermione Granger lives in a house with legs, with a swamp-lizard named Stripes, in a semi-sentient ecosystem that occasionally burps up lost things. It’s not ideal, but after five and a half years in the Neitherlands, she’s made it work.
Then Draco Malfoy falls from the sky. Literally.
He has questions, a missing bag, and limited patience for her deeply repressed need for human contact.
As they navigate a shaky path between physics and magic, and a shared past, they might even figure out how to save their world.
This is a story about two lonely people trying to stitch the cosmos back together.
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Bona Fide Heist by constantblathering for Ms_Tavers
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
23 Dec 2025
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Summary
On October 19, in Paris, a group of criminals led by Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger broke into the Louvre and stole some very precious jewels.
This is how they did it.
Series
- Part 2 of Bona Fide Empire
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The Fisher King by constantblathering for Landbeorht
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
21 Dec 2025
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When the origins of the Veela comes up in class one day, Draco Malfoy tells a story of curses, transformation, and a queen clever enough to save a kingdom. He believes it’s a moral lesson and a chance to show off. Hermione Granger is not so sure.
This is the story of the very first Veela: the Fisher King.
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Lazarus by constantblathering
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
06 Sep 2025
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NOW COMPLETE: Slow burn enemies to lovers road trip across Australia with banter, romance and political intrigue.
Draco Malfoy is on a quest to save his son. Hermione Granger is on a quest to steal his quest. What could go wrong?
Terrified that his son Scorpius may one day succumb to a centuries-old blood curse, Draco embarks on a desperate search for a mythical fountain rumoured to hold the power to heal. Tracking ancient magic across Australia would be hard enough on its own, but with Hermione Granger (freshly divorced, endlessly clever, and irritatingly determined) insisting on joining him, the task becomes even more infuriating.
Equal parts adventure, romance, and self-discovery, this is a story about redemption and the healing magic of second chances.
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Draco Malfoy was born into the family business, which previously involved stealing anything that wasn't nailed down, looking good in dragon-hide and occasionally setting things on fire.
That was until a mysterious new rival started moving in on Malfoy turf. They called her La Petite Mort, he called her a pain-in-the-arse. But then stolen artefacts turned into stolen kisses...
Series
- Part 1 of Bona Fide Empire
Recent series
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- Words:
- 7,385
- Works:
- 2
- Bookmarks:
- 1
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Summary
In the aftermath of the war, Draco Malfoy is falling apart, and the few friends he has left are worried. Hermione Granger isn’t doing so great either, but she’s giving a much more convincing performance of it.
They’re both getting into porn, just…
In two very different ways.***
Or: in which I argue that Draco Malfoy would very much like to be financially dominated by Hermione Granger, your honor.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 98,930
- Chapters:
- 14/23
- Comments:
- 377
- Kudos:
- 285
- Bookmarks:
- 107
- Hits:
- 10,994
Bookmarked by constantblathering
30 Dec 2025
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SIGRA by Cr0ftisprocrastinating for Midnighttomoscow
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
20 Jun 2025
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- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 47,178
- Chapters:
- 17/17
- Collections:
- 4
- Comments:
- 873
- Kudos:
- 1,464
- Bookmarks:
- 425
- Hits:
- 50,869
Bookmarked by constantblathering
02 May 2025
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Where The Duck Is Minerva McGonagall? by Rogue_Roxy
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
28 Jul 2025
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Summary
Welcome to a somewhat serious inquiry into the whereabouts of a very sneaky witch.
Hermione Granger (badass Auror working for MACUSA) has been summoned back to Britain by Kingsley Shacklebolt to help with an investigation. Of course, Hermione agrees; working with Harry again is going to be so much fun… only, it turns out that Harry is unavailable, and unfortunately, she gets stuck with Draco Malfoy.
Warnings:
- Hold onto your gold; there is a Niffler in this story.
- Draco Malfoy reserves the right to cast Aguamentis at hair he deems offensive.
- Whatever is said in the Cave of Plunderous Intent, stays in the Cave of Plunderous Intent.
- Approach any wine provided by the Icelandic Legend Erla with extreme caution.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 160,698
- Chapters:
- 26/26
- Collections:
- 9
- Comments:
- 1,714
- Kudos:
- 4,218
- Bookmarks:
- 1,900
- Hits:
- 218,434
Bookmarked by constantblathering
06 Aug 2025
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Summary
Hermione has a routine she enjoys, a job that excites her, a never-ending stream of suitors, and friends and family who love her. Her one problem? Draco Malfoy. Why does he keep turning up everywhere she goes?
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Or, Draco is an opportunist.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 92,343
- Chapters:
- 15/15
- Comments:
- 1,111
- Kudos:
- 1,447
- Bookmarks:
- 544
- Hits:
- 51,851
Bookmarked by constantblathering
16 Aug 2025
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Summary
Draco was sure the little house was following him. Running from undesirables? The house would pop into view. Trying to make a difficult delivery? A red door would materialize out of nowhere. Finishing the day and bone tired? Red door.
This could go quite badly, he reasoned, but it just didn't feel like an ominous thing.
Curiosity won. He limped through the doorway.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 12,553
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 202
- Kudos:
- 1,158
- Bookmarks:
- 229
- Hits:
- 10,776
Bookmarked by constantblathering
23 May 2025
Bookmarker's Tags:
Bookmarker's Notes
Fabulously weird. Un-putdownable.