Archive of Our Own

Hear Me – by Hannah Sheree

Sebastian meets Kurt on his first day of school. Sebastian has been there for a grand total of four hours, and he already hates it. The kids are mean, meaner than anyone he’s ever met, and he’s already been made to sit in the corner for trying to hit one of the meanest boys, one of the ones who had laughed at him and called him names that Sebastian knew were bad. They are the kind of names that makes his mother gasp and change the channel when she hears them on television shows when Sebastian is around.

School is awful. He has to wear clothes and shoes, and he really hates shoes, and he has to sit still, and he hates that even more than tying shoes. He likes running around, and painting with his fingers, and playing the piano, but sitting still is the worst thing ever.

The worst thing is recess. Sebastian sits alone, scowling at the other kids in the playground. He doesn’t care if he’s alone, the other kids are stupid and mean. And they were loud. They were so loud, and nobody can talk to him anyway. It doesn’t matter because he hates them all.

“Hi!”

Sebastian looks up from where he is had started glaring at his book, instead glaring at the boy in front of him. He knows the other boy is in the same class, but Sebastian can’t remember his name. It is his first day after all. How Sebastian forgets his name, he doesn’t know though. The boy is wearing the weirdest clothing Sebastian has ever seen.

You sound like a chipmunk, he thinks to himself with a wrinkle of the nose. He doesn’t write it down for the boy though, knowing it will take too long. Besides, this is the first kid who has spoken to him all day that hasn’t started by saying something awful.

“I know you can’t speak or anything. But that’s okay. Lots of people can talk, but they don’t say anything special, anyway. That’s what my mom says, at least.” The boy nods several times as he speaks, his brown hair bouncing as he does. He beams down at Sebastian, and Sebastian can’t help but notice his eyes are sparkly.

Sebastian blinks several times, not understanding. He shrugs and looks back down at his book. He can’t read all that well yet, but the pictures are nice. Beside him, he feels a rush of air, hears the rustle of material as the boy sits beside him.

“I’m Kurt. You’re Sebastian.” There is no question to his tone, and Sebastian rolls his eyes, nodding. Sebastian knows his own name; he doesn’t need Kurt to tell him that.

“Don’t worry, I know you’re not naughty, even though you had to sit in the naughty corner,” Kurt continues on, holding the conversation on his own. “He was being mean to you. I’d have pushed him too. Or said something back. But you can’t say anything, so I guess pushing seemed like a good idea.” He pauses tapping his little chin. “My dad says pushing people isn’t right though, and it’s better to take the higher ground. But I don’t see how standing on the desk would have made it better. You’d have just been taller than him then.”

He leans over Sebastian, and Sebastian frowns but doesn’t move back. Kurt seems interested in the book he is reading, but then he pulls back with a sad look on his face.

“I can’t actually read that much yet...” he confesses, expression forlorn. “But I can write my name,” he announces proudly. “Can you write much? How do you tell people you want things if you can’t talk?”

Sebastian frowns and stares at Kurt for a long moment, but Kurt’s curious look doesn’t waver.  His pretty blue eyes just keep shining and his smile doesn’t drop a bit. Eventually, Sebastian exhales slowly, and puts the book back on his lap and signs like this at Kurt. Kurt’s smile widens into a grin and he bounces slightly beside Sebastian.

“Can you show me how to talk like that?” Kurt asks, smile full of gaps from where he’s lost two teeth recently. Sebastian runs his own tongue over the gap in the lower part of his mouth absently, the tip of his tongue sliding over his gums.

Slowly, Sebastian nods, and looks at Kurt, waiting for him to ask for a word so that Sebastian can sign it for him.

“Umm... How do you say... hello?” Kurt asks, turning to face Sebastian entirely.

Sebastian makes the sign for it and when Kurt does it, Sebastian gives Kurt a toothy grin of his own.

“What about... ‘my name is Kurt’?”

Sebastian pauses for a few seconds and then makes the sign. Kurt gets it wrong a few times and Sebastian shakes his head vigorously each time, continuing until Kurt gets it correct.

They continue like that throughout the recess, and as the time passes, Sebastian feels himself relax and smile at Kurt. Kurt dresses funny and he sounds like a chipmunk, but he smiles like an angel and he makes Sebastian give a silent laugh sometimes. Plus, he is really, really nice.

As the bell signals the end of recess, Kurt asks Sebastian for one final phrase.

“How do you say: ‘Please be my friend?’?”

For a few moments, Sebastian stares at Kurt, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.  He eventually makes the signs and Kurt struggles to make them for a minute before he gets them correct.

“Hey, Sebastian!” Kurt says, grinning at him, expression one of pure delight. Please be my friend?

Sebastian gives a silent laugh and ducks his head, chest feeling tight and happy. He looks up at Kurt, liking the pinkness of his cheeks, and nods.

Kurt beams.

 

*

 

It’s what can only be described as a stinking hot day in the middle of September. Apparently the weather hadn’t gotten the memo that it was supposed to be autumn, Sebastian thinks with an absent minded huff. Although the gym at NYADA is air-conditioned, it apparently doesn’t work because it’s fucking hot. Sebastian is dripping sweat, and it isn’t just from his workout. Seriously, he feels more disgusting than that time he’d run a half marathon.

He drags his damp towel across his face, pushing the hair sticking to his forehead off of his face with a wrinkle of the nose. Yep, he stinks too. If NYADA doesn’t get this stupid air problem fixed soon, he’s going to go to have to find another gym, and that just won’t be as fun as going to the same gym as Kurt. Besides, NYADA has dancers, and dancers can do amazing things with their hips. Sebastian just isn’t sure he’s ready to give that up before he’s had a chance to sample all of the fine things they have to offer. 

“You ready to go?” Sebastian startles slightly, Kurt’s voice breaking him from his long and drawn-out appreciation of one of the most gorgeous guys stretching on the floor. Normally, Sebastian can hear Kurt approaching, can hear the soft footfalls of his best friend and pick them out despite a cacophony of sounds around him. Sebastian decides he must be dehydrated if he’s not hearing Kurt.

He turns around and looks at where Kurt has come up behind him. Kurt looks mildly better than Sebastian does, but Sebastian has been on the treadmill for forty minutes while Kurt did a yoga class. Sebastian isn’t willing to sit through another lecture about how yoga is a fantastic workout, and much more difficult than it looks. But honestly, Sebastian is bright red and his shirt is covered in sweat patches, while Kurt looks only slightly dampened.

Sebastian grabs Kurt’s bag from him without being asked, slinging it over his shoulder while Kurt slips shoes on over his bare feet. When Kurt looks back up and grabs it back, he grins broadly at Sebastian.

“You look… a bit hot.”

Sebastian frowns slightly at Kurt. Hot and sweaty is a good look for me.

Kurt chuckles. “The jury is still out on that one.”

Sebastian shakes his head. No. The jury has ruled that hot and sweaty is a look second only to me being naked, hot and sweaty.

“I’m on the jury and I say I haven’t made a decision. Juries have to be unanimous, right?”

Sebastian shrugs. I’m not a law student.

“Much to your mother’s displeasure,” Kurt says as he shrugs into a light jacket.

Sebastian rolls his eyes but doesn’t reply. Sebastian going to Juilliard for piano, rather than Columbia for pre-law will forever be a sore spot for his mother, Sebastian suspects. Unfortunately for his mother, Sebastian doesn’t care. He’s got a full scholarship, and as long as he maintains his awesome GPA, he’ll have a full ride through.

They start walking towards the exit of the gym when Kurt stops, Sebastian almost running into him. He’s about to glare at Kurt when he sees what Kurt is staring at. There’s a kid that Sebastian had labelled the hobbit while running in the corner, taking all of his frustrations out on a boxing bag. Sebastian doesn’t know a great deal about boxing, but he assumes the kid is pretty good. But why is Kurt staring at him? He’s not even that good looking. Plus… he’s tiny as fuck.

The guy stops his session for a moment as Kurt is staring in apparent wonderment and Sebastian is staring between the two with a mildly incredulous expression. The guy grabs a towel, mopping his dripping face and he turns slightly, pouring a bottle of water over himself. Sebastian wrinkles his nose in distaste, and wonders why Kurt isn’t bitching about the mess the water must be making on the floor. He glances back at Kurt and sees not disgust but… Well, Kurt is just openly staring, mouth slightly open, eyes wider than normal. And he’s kind of pink, and it’s not from the shitty air-con in the gym.

The guy sees them looking, eyes grazing over Sebastian and then moving quickly to Kurt. He gives Kurt what appears to be a small and shy grin, ducking his head, and rubbing his neck awkwardly. Kurt gasps slightly and grabs Sebastian’s arm, all but dragging him out of the gym.

The fuck was that? Sebastian asks when they get outside and Kurt drops his death grip on Sebastian’s arm.

Kurt shakes his head, muttering “Nothing.”

Sebastian wants to argue, but Kurt has taken off towards the subway, and Sebastian groans inwardly. He’s just run eight miles, and now he’s supposed to run after Kurt? Ugh. No thanks. He’s thankful for his long legs when he’s able to catch up to Kurt with minimal effort (thank god; he’s tired), moving to walk beside Kurt again.

Kurt’s walking too fast for Sebastian to be able to properly speak to him, and then the subway is packed so Sebastian has to use his hands to keep his balance. They’re back to their shared apartment by the time Sebastian is able to ask Kurt again what had happened, but by the time they’re there, he frankly can’t be fucked.

He knows what had just happened. Kurt had seen a pretty boy and had gone weak in the knees. Although Kurt is nineteen, and Sebastian knows Kurt reached physical puberty years ago, he’s taking mild pleasure in the fact that Kurt seems to have reached mental puberty. The last crush Kurt had had was on Finn, and that had been years ago, before they became stepbrothers. Since then, Kurt had apparently not crushed on anyone. Sure, Kurt might have kept it quiet, but Sebastian knows his Kurt, and knows that Kurt is ridiculously obvious with his affections. And apparently, Hobbit Boy was worth a second glance to Kurt.

It’s only in the shower that Sebastian realises the full depth of his annoyance at Kurt’s interest in Hobbit Boy. Sebastian is selfish by nature, had always been so. And Kurt is his. They might not have ever been romantically involved, but Sebastian doesn’t share.

As the cold water runs over his body, Sebastian can’t help but glare at the tiles in the shower as if they’re somehow the cause of his problems. He continues glaring around the apartment, only ceasing when Kurt hands him a large bowl of pasta. His tension eases significantly and Kurt laughs when he sees the scowl on Sebastian’s face ease into a small smile.

“Hangry?” Kurt asks, sitting on the barstool across from him and digging into his own pasta. He shoots Kurt a quizzical look, not knowing what he means and his hands are too busy feeding himself.

“Hungry and angry from hunger; hangry,” Kurt says with a grin, rolling his eyes at the sheer stupidity of it. Sebastian rolls his eyes in a similar fashion, but grins despite himself. It isn’t hunger that had made him irritable; it is the threat of losing Kurt to some pretty boy (and the realisation that someday, Kurt will go off and fall in love, because Kurt is romantic like that) and Sebastian is at risk of losing his best friend, and more.

Really, Kurt is kind of Sebastian’s everything. Since Sebastian had first met Kurt, Kurt had kind of been everything Sebastian needed. From the first day they’d met, Kurt had demanded (not asked, demanded) to learn sign language. Sebastian hadn’t known many signs at that point, and Kurt had been a quick learner and caught up easily. After that, Kurt had taken on the role of translator. Whilst Sebastian often wrote for his teachers, with Kurt around, he didn’t need to. Kurt had simply invited himself along to Sebastian’s activities and translated his signs for those around him. It had been... unusual at first, but Sebastian had gotten used to it quickly. Even in high school, Kurt had taken nearly all of the same classes as Sebastian. He said that he was interested in those classes anyway, but Sebastian wasn’t stupid; Kurt hated chemistry, yet took it because he knew Sebastian needed someone there for him.

That wasn’t to say that Sebastian wasn’t there for Kurt though. He’d taught Kurt to throw a punch when some of the jocks had started picking on him. In truth, Sebastian was glad he and Kurt had the same classes; it meant that the time apart from Kurt was minimised, meaning that the time for jocks to get to Kurt was small. Nobody picked on Sebastian after the first week of high school (Sebastian may or may not have broken someone’s nose in a fight that they had started. Sebastian may not have been able to speak, but that didn’t mean he was a fucking weakling).

Well, can you blame me?

“You’re a teenage boy; of course you’re hangry.” Kurt teases, as if he weren’t one himself.

You use that excuse for everything, Sebastian points out with a grin, picking up his fork again and shovelling more pasta into his mouth. Fuck, he is kind of ravenous. That isn’t anything new for Sebastian though; he’s always hungry or horny, sometimes both. Again, something Kurt blames on Sebastian being a teenage boy.

Dinner passes in silence for several long minutes, Sebastian inhaling his food and Kurt eating his with a little more grace but just as much speed. Eventually, Kurt puts his fork down and Sebastian frowns when he sees that the blush is back.

“So… Do you see that guy at the gym much?” Kurt asks, giving Sebastian a tight smile.

Sebastian slowly sets his fork down, giving Kurt a suspicious look to show that he is not keen on this conversation. No. But he’s too short for you.

Kurt snorts. “Too short? That’s your excuse for not liking him?”

He could probably fit under doors or something. Plus, it’s not normal for guys to be that short. He could be genetically modified and superhuman. Have super speed to make up for being super short. Very suspect if you ask me.

“You’re an idiot,” Kurt deadpans.

I’m just trying to look out for you.

“No, you’re just concerned that I’ll get a boyfriend and start sexiling you instead of the other way around.”

Hey now, I’ve been telling you to get laid for years. And Sebastian has been! Sebastian doesn’t understand how Kurt can still be a virgin at nineteen, when Sebastian has been sleeping his way through the men of the world since he was fifteen. More to the point, he doesn’t understand how he, king of one-night-stands and slut-extraordinaire, is best friends with Kurt Hummel, someone with a chastity belt made of roses and the most ridiculously romantic person he’s ever met (and trust him, his sister is really fucking romantic), and plans to “wait until he finds someone he loves”. He doesn’t understand, but he’s not going to argue. Kurt might just be the most important thing in his life, including his penis. That’s saying something.

Kurt just smiles and shakes his head at Sebastian, not continuing the argument. It’s one they’ve had many times before. Sebastian wants Kurt to get laid, sure, but Kurt actually getting a boyfriend? Sebastian isn’t so on board with that.

As Sebastian has said on many occasions: he doesn’t share.

 

*

 

The fucking hobbit (who apparently has a name: Blaine Anderson) asks Kurt out. Sebastian knows he shouldn’t be surprised because Kurt is kind of fantastic but… why the fuck is he asking Kurt out? Seriously, what does he have to offer Kurt that Sebastian doesn’t? (Sebastian pointedly ignores ‘emotions’, ‘romance’, ‘non-platonic love’, ‘sex’, ‘intimacy’ and ‘flowers’, all the things which spring to mind when he asks himself that very question).

But despite Sebastian not being happy at all about Kurt’s date, Kurt seems over the fucking moon. And that kind of bothers Sebastian too, but only because he’s never made Kurt look so damn happy. Kurt is actually glowing, and he’s grinning and blushing all of the time, but snapping at Sebastian a bit more than usual as he races around the apartment trying to find the perfect outfit. Sebastian kind of just watches from where he’s sprawled on Kurt’s bed.

Sebastian knows it’s the beginning of the end for them. He knew it was always a matter of time. Kurt would get a boyfriend, and then Sebastian would see him less. It’d mean no more cuddles on the couch on cold nights. When Kurt had nightmares, somebody else would hear it and comfort him in his sleep, making sure Kurt didn’t wake up. The difference between Sebastian doing it and some other asshole guy doing it was that they would be right beside Kurt in bed, able to soothe his nightmares with much greater haste than Sebastian, who always had to hear it from his own room. It’d mean that it wouldn’t just be dinner between KurtandSebastian, but rather dinner between KurtandhisBoyfriend, with Sebastian occasionally tacked on the end. Sebastian would probably become a stranger in his own apartment, expected to clear out so that Kurt could have quality time with his boyfriend. Or worse: Kurt would stop being at home and instead be at his boyfriend’s apartment, and Sebastian would never see him. Kurt would probably stop coming along to Sebastian’s lacrosse games; after all, his boyfriend might think it weird that he go along and support Sebastian in all of his endeavours. Sebastian can’t remember the last time Kurt didn’t come to one of his games.

Frankly, the idea of Kurt getting a boyfriend makes Sebastian feel bitter and angry and probably a bit jaded. But then, all Kurt has to do is smile and the anger disappears.

And that’s what Kurt is doing right now.

Kurt is smiling timidly down at Sebastian, nervously smoothing a tie down the front of his button-down shirt. It’s a casual tie, one Sebastian recognises as his own (but that Kurt wears more than he does, so maybe it’s Kurt’s now).

“How do I look?”

Sebastian pushes himself up off the bed, gives Kurt a small smile and nods approvingly. Kurt truthfully looks fantastic, but that’s nothing new. He tells Kurt this with a grin, before frowning slightly. No matter how much Kurt practised, he’d never gotten the hang of the different knots for ties. He only knows the standard. With a huff of amused frustration, Sebastian steps in front of Kurt and adjusts his tie, giving him the correct knot for this outfit. When he’s finished with it, he glances down at Kurt, who is staring up at him through his eyelashes. Damn it, Sebastian hates it when Kurt does that. Whenever Kurt looks at him like that, eyes wide but fond, lips pink and slightly damp from where he’s licked them, face so close... Sebastian always wants to just close the few inches between their mouths and kiss him.

Of course, Sebastian never would. He doesn’t like Kurt like that. He might have realised that Kurt was it in his senior year of high school, but… Sebastian isn’t stupid enough to actually act on it. Kurt’s his best friend. Sebastian may be thick at times, take risks in many areas of his life that he shouldn’t. But he’d never risk his friendship with Kurt. But still, with Kurt staring up at him like that, Sebastian sometimes can’t help but wonder if it would be such a stupid idea to kiss Kurt. After all... Kurt’s mouth is so close to his, can feel his breath puffing softly over his lips, and he sees Kurt’s eyes flick down to his mouth and back to his eyes a few times, almost as if searching.

Sebastian swallows, exhaling heavily, breaking the tension between them as he takes a small step backwards. Kurt ducks his head, clearing his throat. He runs a hand over his tie again, smiling tightly at Sebastian. “Thanks, Bas,” he says, looking genuinely grateful.

Now, no putting out on the first date, Sebastian jokes.

“I thought you’d definitely be in favour of that,” Kurt says dryly, slipping his wallet into his back pocket, keys going in the front of his skinny jeans.

I’m in favour of me putting out on the first date; but you’re not me and apparently have standards. Don’t put out on the first date. Sebastian frowns slightly. I... He pauses, not sure of his words, feeling them too emotional for his usual self, almost like a parent about to send their child to school for the first time. Sex. I know I say it doesn’t mean anything and... for some people, it doesn’t. But... you’re not some people. Sex does something to you. Your mind. Body. Heart. Don’t... don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you do, Kurt.

Kurt is staring up at him with a bemused expression, eyes wider than normal. Then he gives Sebastian a small smile. Sebastian has to go and check that the chicken isn’t off, because his stomach squirms uncomfortably. “I see my dad gave you that talk as well.”

Sebastian grins, knowing that Burt had given Kurt the same talk just before heading off to college last year. Sebastian had been the unfortunate recipient at about fifteen, when Burt had caught wind from Kurt that Sebastian had started sleeping around. Sebastian hadn’t really taken the words on board, but he knew they’d been integral for Kurt. Kurt had never been one to sleep around anyway, but... he knew they’d hit something within Kurt.

And just then, he knew he’d brought up similar feelings in Kurt again.

Kurt wouldn’t sleep with anyone on the first date, but Sebastian had felt it necessary to remind Kurt of his importance as a person. Because really, Kurt did matter.

“Don’t wait up,” Kurt says with a grin as he shucks into his blazer, and leaves without another word. Sebastian just sighs and stares at the floor.

 

*

 

When Kurt gets home the next morning, it becomes apparent that he’d been hoping Sebastian wouldn’t notice his absence. Pfft, as if that would ever happen. Kurt’s sneaking in, his leather shoes in his hands, blazer and scarf folded carefully over his arm. Sebastian is sitting in the kitchen, attempting to look casual as he chews a bowl of cereal that tastes like cardboard. He watches as Kurt carefully shuts the door, almost silently.

“Oh fuck!” Kurt swears, jumping in fright when he turns around and sees Sebastian sitting there with what Sebastian hopes is a nonchalant expression on his face.

Sebastian raises his eyebrows and puts down his spoon. Someone’s doing the walk of shame, and it ain’t me.

Kurt’s blushing furiously; Sebastian can see it from where he’s sitting. Kurt doesn’t say anything and hangs his blazer and satchel in their little closet, puts his shoes neatly down. Sebastian hears Kurt take some steadying breaths, sounds that would be lost to someone not listening intently for them. Eventually, Kurt walks over to the kitchen bench across from Sebastian and leans on his forearms as he looks sheepishly at Sebastian.

“I was… hoping you’d be out,” Kurt says, rubbing the back of his neck with a shy hand. It’s the action that brings Sebastian’s attention to Kurt’s neck. Sebastian feels his expression harden, a frown crease his forehead. His Kurt would never let something as tacky as hickeys mar his skin, yet there, covering Kurt’s neck, are several hickeys.

Classy, Sebastian says, signalling to Kurt’s neck.

Kurt is blushing violently, face and neck bright pink and almost glowing.

“Hey, you’re one to talk,” Kurt retaliates.

I would never come home covered in hickeys, Sebastian points out as Kurt rolls his eyes. So, spill. What happened?

“I don’t kiss and tell,” Kurt says with a frown, fidgeting with his fingers and not looking at Sebastian now. After a second, the frown eases and Sebastian sees the tiniest smile on Kurt’s mouth quirk up. Realisation hits him.

You fucked him? Sebastian asks, not keeping the surprise from his face.

Kurt’s expression is telling.

Holy shit. You fucked him, Sebastian pauses as another wave of sick realisation hits him. You fucked him on the first date? That would have been Kurt’s first time. Kurt… had his first time. Sebastian didn’t think it would bother him all that much but… Sebastian had always kind of thought he’d be Kurt’s first. After all, they’d been best friends for years, and Sebastian was experienced. And… He had actually kind of been hoping that the date wouldn’t go that well. (Or maybe Kurt would have come home, the date would have gone swimmingly, but Blaine would have been much more experienced and Kurt would have asked his very experienced, best friend to help him get a little experience before embarrassing himself in front of someone else. Not that Sebastian has thought about it at all. Or had spent the last six hours imagining various scenarios as such.)

He and Kurt may not be involved, but they love each other, if only platonically. Okay, sometimes, Sebastian realises he loves Kurt more than platonically.  Sebastian doesn’t know why he can justify it in his mind, but he’d just always thought… he’d be Kurt’s first. And okay, he honestly hadn’t expected that Kurt would sleep with Blaine on the first date.

It hurts to know that not only had Kurt not had that moment with him, but that he had to love Blaine more than him. If he had never slept with Sebastian, but slept with Blaine… Sebastian feels sick, and he’s not entirely sure why. And hello, first date. This is Kurt they are talking about. Had someone switched his Kurt with an identical twin in the past 24 hours?

Kurt is blushing furiously. “We didn’t fuck,” he mutters, frowning at Sebastian.

Sebastian feels his thoughts and mental panic cease instantly, so fast that he can almost hear brakes screeching from the sharp suddenness of it all. He frantically shoves the thoughts away, electing to ignore that he’d just started freaking out over Kurt sleeping with anyone but him. It didn’t matter who Kurt slept with. They were best friends, and Sebastian was never going to sleep with Kurt. That was that.

Then where were you?

“It got late. We just stayed up talking.”

And apparently then some, Sebastian adds with a tease that he just doesn’t feel.

Kurt rolls his eyes and continues, hand self-consciously going to his neck to hide some of the marks on it. “It got late, so rather than catch a cab home, I spent the night. But no, we didn’t sleep together.”

You don’t get hickeys like that from chaste kisses, dear, Sebastian points out.

“We kissed for a bit. In his bed.” Kurt looks both mortified and thrilled to be sharing this information, as if it’s been bursting out of him since he left Blaine’s apartment.

Sebastian gives a snort of laughter, torn between wanting to know all of the gory details and not. Eventually, he settles for not, knowing that if Kurt wants to tell him anything, he will. Kurt has always been incredibly stubborn with sharing information, much to Sebastian’s chagrin. He’d thought that for such a gossip, Kurt would be more willing to share. But no, Kurt collects, but keeps his lips sealed.

Was it any good? He can’t stop himself from asking. He tries to put a tease to his expression, but inside, his insides are curling and Sebastian wants nothing more than to lie under his blankets in bed and avoid all feelings forever.

Kurt whips around from where he’s making himself some oatmeal to glare at Sebastian. “None of your business.” The blush that had graced his cheekbones before is spreading across his face, up to his forehead, down his neck.

Sebastian gives a grin that he knows isn’t reaching his eyes and signs Totally my business when my roommate doesn’t come home without telling me. For all I know, Blaine could have been a serial killer. It’s always the ones that look like cupcakes.

“It was fine,” Kurt mutters.

More than fine, I’ll bet, if that blush is any indication. Secretly, Sebastian is fishing, hoping to find out that Blaine was awful. It’s entirely plausible. After all, Sebastian loves Kurt, but he knows that for now, Kurt will be awful between the sheets. It’s a virgin thing. Looking at Blaine, Sebastian had come up with the same impression.

Kurt sits down beside Sebastian with a huff, and swirls his spoon through his bowl several times, playing with his food. Eventually he says “It was very nice. It… was his first time too.”

Sebastian shoots Kurt a quizzical grin. If it was a mutual first time, shouldn’t it have sucked?

Kurt shakes his head. “No. It… was nice. Intimate. We kind of… got… to fumble our way through things together,” Kurt finishes on a mumble. Kurt’s face honestly looks like it’s about to explode from all the blood rushing through it.

In other words, it sucked, but you both sucked together.

He chuckles silently when Kurt glares at Sebastian and says nothing, his silence answer enough for him.

Well, I guess if it’s any consolation, it sucking means you can only improve from there. So I guess you can celebrate by continuing to give each other subpar blowjobs.

“Handjobs.”

Huh?

“Hand... jobs. We didn’t do more than that.”

Fuck. How do you fuck up a handjob?

Kurt blushes. “You know, you make me really glad I didn’t decide to lose my virginity to you. You’d have made fun of me the entire time. Handjobs are different, okay? Your hand is going in the opposite direction to what you’re used to, and just because you like one thing doesn’t mean he likes it, and vice versa.”

But Sebastian didn’t hear that bit, mind still stuck on the first part of his comment. Wait, what? You considered it?

“Oh geeze, like, once at the end of Senior year. I considered not going to college a virgin. It lasted like, five minutes, before I realised you and I sleeping together would be beyond weird. Like, friendship-ending weird.” Kurt is looking mortified at having accidentally made that confession, and hiding it behind frustrated casualness.

In my defense, I totally would have made it awesome.

“You apparently would have made fun of me for fumbling my way through things.”

Hey now, it was your first time.

Kurt doesn’t seem eased by this at all, and Sebastian is mentally beating himself over the head. God, he can be so stupid at times. Here he is, telling Kurt they should have slept together, whilst also accidentally making fun of his inexperience. Way to go, Smythe.

Okay, fine. Yes, they’re hard. Blowjobs are harder at first too. And before you make some comment about how my first time couldn’t have sucked, I’ll have you know it did, and I just pretended it was awesome okay?

Kurt smirks at this. “Oh, I knew it sucked. You’re not very good at lying to me, Bas.”

Sebastian gives Kurt a surprised look. He thinks he was an excellent liar. Kurt apparently thinks otherwise. Sebastian doesn’t want to think what that might mean for them. Kurt probably realises that Sebastian is half-mad for him then, and that does not bode well for Sebastian. 

 

*

 

It’s only the third game of the season, but it’s still fucking cold. For something that’s supposed to be played in summer, it’s actually very cold right now. And for some horrible reason, his lacrosse game is scheduled to start at 8am. What kind of monster schedules anything to be that early, least of all on a Saturday?

He’s just finished his warm-up laps when he sees Kurt sitting down on his usual spot, one bench away from the rest of the team. He’s allowed to sit so close because everyone is used to him and despite being jocks, most of them seem to actually like Kurt. Sebastian suspects it’s because Kurt regularly brings baked goods to games and training sessions. After all, nobody is going to call Kurt a fag when their best attacker is his best friend and, hello, baked goods?

To be honest, Sebastian is mildly surprised to see Kurt there. Last night they’d had a fight unlike one they’d ever had before. Fights between them were always…unusual given that Sebastian couldn’t actually yell (but boy, he stamped his feet an awful lot to punctuate a point as he furiously signed). To be honest, he can’t even remember what the fight had been about, just that Kurt had been red in the face, half signing, half yelling, and Sebastian had remembered being furious, but also trapped in a weird limbo where he wanted Kurt to stop yelling, and Sebastian had just wanted to kiss him into silence, or at the very least hug him, because fuck, he hates Kurt being upset. Worse, he hates being the reason for Kurt to be upset.

Sebastian is pretty sure it was a stupid fight. All of their fights usually are. But last night had been a little more vicious than usual, Kurt’s eyes flashing with anger.

So yeah, he’s surprised Kurt is there, particularly given the fact that Sebastian is pretty sure he’d picked the fight last night. But there he is, wrapped in a scarf and bright red pea coat, cheeks flushed in the cool morning air.

Despite his surprise, he’s happy to see Kurt. He really shouldn’t be shocked; Kurt has missed very few of Sebastian’s games since Sebastian started playing. In the past, his only reasons for not showing was getting sick, his dad being in hospital, or that time the Warblers had gone to Nationals in Chicago. To be fair, Sebastian had also skipped his lacrosse game that day, and that had been because he’d also flown out to Chicago in order to watch Kurt perform with the Warblers at Nationals (and god, he had never regretted that. Kurt had had a solo, had sung Blackbird and Sebastian’s heart had actually stopped. Sebastian is pretty sure that was the exact moment he’d realised that this was Kurt. They’d won, of course, but Sebastian had forgotten everything except seeing Kurt up there, singing Blackbird so perfectly).

Oh, who is he kidding? Kurt would never miss one of his games. Sebastian had never missed one of Kurt’s performances, and Kurt in turn had never missed one of Sebastian’s games. Even through their biggest arguments, Kurt could always be seen sitting on the sidelines, Sebastian in the front seats. But that said, things have been so different between he and Kurt since Blaine came along. Kurt’s been… snippier with Sebastian. To be fair, Sebastian is probably the reason Kurt is being snippier, because Sebastian has been an asshole of late.

He can’t help but send Kurt a small apologetic smile, and Kurt returns it, looking equally guilty. From across the way, Sebastian signs You came.

I never miss your games, Kurt signed back, smile still tight.

Sebastian hesitated before signing I’m sorry back at Kurt. And he really is. Kurt’s his best friend and he hates how things have degenerated between them, hates that a stupid boy has come between them.

Kurt nods, accepting it, but his smile loosens and under his coat, Sebastian sees his shoulders relax. A tension in Sebastian’s chest that he didn’t know was there drops out, and he suddenly feels incredibly light. He and Kurt will talk properly later (God, Kurt always wanted to talk things out rather than just let them be), but for now, things seem to be okay between them again.

Sebastian’s playing the first quarter and goes to his starting position, shoving in his mouthguard at the last second. The game goes well, and Sebastian scores more than a few times, earning him his fair share of body checks. But honestly, Sebastian doesn’t care, is used to it, and it almost seems worth it for the way that Kurt is enthusiastically clapping every time Sebastian scores, and bitching every time somebody slams their body into Sebastian’s. Kurt had always been a very vocal supporter, as if making up for Sebastian’s own silence. Besides, Kurt will run him an ice bath full of Epsom salts later, and make him an awesome protein shake if he’s really lucky. He knows Kurt can’t see his grinning through his helmet, but Sebastian is occasionally huffing a laugh when Kurt gets a little more shrill than necessary.

“Ugh, who invited the fag?” He hears one of the member of the other team mutter it when Kurt is yelling at the other team for slamming into Sebastian again (and thank god it’s the other team; Sebastian has absolutely no qualms about punching his own teammates if they decide Kurt – and his – sexuality is suddenly a problem).

Sebastian does his best to ignore the comment, knows that Kurt has always told him to just take the higher ground. Kurt says he knows he’s gay, he knows he’s flamboyant, and yeah, it’d be nice if people accepted it, but frankly, some people are assholes. Their words can’t hurt him and as long as it stays at just words, Kurt doesn’t care. Sebastian, on the other hand, cares a great deal. If he hears that word one more time during his game, Sebastian will not take the higher ground but instead treat his lacrosse game like an MMA match. Without more than a glare at the guy who made the comment, Sebastian continues the game, considering his warning shot fired.

They win, but that’s not a surprise. Last year, they’d been reigning champions, and they’ve been training for months and months, sometimes in the snow because frankly, Coach is a bit of a sadist. His coach may be a sadist, but his methods apparently work given their substantial victory. It’s only their third game of the season, but Sebastian won’t be surprised if they take home another championship.

They’ve finished their post-game huddle and Kurt is handing out brownies to his teammates, each of them grinning at him through chocolaty teeth. Sebastian has his own mouth full of two, despite Kurt’s hand slapping his when he went to take both. Sebastian knows Kurt will still have some at home. He always makes extra for Sebastian and himself.

“Didn’t realise we just played against a bunch of fags…” One of the other team members says as they walk past, sneering at the team.

Several of the eyes of Sebastian’s teammates narrow, glaring at them before Kurt snips in with a “Does that mean you just lost miserably to a bunch of fags then? Keep your pathetic mouths shut.”

Sebastian is surprised at that. Kurt usually just stays silent, but apparently his bad mood hasn’t been with Sebastian alone if he’s actually saying something this time. Kurt’s cheeks are filled with pink, face flushed with anger as he stands with one hand on his hip, glaring down the other team. Sebastian himself is fighting with rage. Sebastian looks over at his teammates and is surprised that they’re not horrified that Kurt is defending them; maybe Sebastian needs to give them more credit for not being homophobic assholes.

“And you need a faggy princess to stand up for you,” the same guy says.

“And apparently, you feel the need to share your self-esteem issues with the class by pointing out said faggy princess,” Kurt is inspecting his nails now, looking bored with the conversation. Sebastian knows better, knows that as soon as they are in the privacy of their apartment he’ll bitch about the guy, equality, and how being unique is actually something special these days.

“Oh suck my dick, fag, or I’ll make you suck if for me.”

Nope, Sebastian has had enough of this. Saying something about his Kurt once was bad, but continuing to say things about him? Nope.

Sebastian launches at the guy, glad that he’s taken his helmet off because it means he lands what he feels is an awesome punch to the guy’s nose. He must have broken it, from the sickening crack he hears and as he lays another few punches on him, blood from the guy’s nose covers his hand. Sebastian is good at fighting, has had to be to avoid his own bullies in school, and knows exactly what he is doing when it comes to throwing hits. However, something he frequently forgets to take into account outside of his gym, most guys don’t know how to fight, let fear and anger get the best of them.

He feels an elbow collide with his mouth, splitting his lip against his teeth, another relatively weak punch get his cheekbone. He hardly feels them though, too busy trying to teach this guy 1. You do not pick on Kurt Hummel, 2. You do not pick on Sebastian’s best friend, and 3. You do not make pathetic homophobic slurs at anyone. Sebastian knows it’s really the first one though. Sebastian has had slurs thrown at him for years, never cared. But saying anything against his Kurt was bound to land you at least a broken nose.

Eventually, after what feels like a good few minutes of laying into the guy but is probably only seconds, he feels at least four sets of arms yanking him off the guy, pulling him out of arms reach. Sebastian snarls, trying to get the arms off of him before realising that they’re his teammates and trying to look out for him. The other team is kind of watching in shock, looking at Sebastian like he’s possessed. Sebastian lets his anger drop slightly, and he feels the arms around his arms and chest drop carefully.

He turns away from the guy, who is still crouched on the ground, and spits out the blood collecting in his mouth. He doesn’t look back at him, just goes and grabs his things off the bench, and stalks off the field towards home.

 

*

 

“You know, Sebastian, whilst I appreciate you defending my honour and all that, I can handle it myself,” Kurt tells Sebastian when they’re in the quiet of their apartment. There is the sound of Kurt slipping his boots off, keys going to the bowl beside the door, quiet against the sound of Sebastian throwing his muddy shoes down, dropping his bag angrily, slamming things around.

Sebastian doesn’t say anything, thoughts of how he’ll defend Kurt if he fucking feels like it running through his mind. He doesn’t mean to face Kurt, but as he’s coming out of his bedroom, fresh clothing in hand, he actually runs entirely into Kurt as he comes into Sebastian’s bedroom.

Sorry, sorry, Sebastian apologises, hands flying out to prevent Kurt from falling over from the force of it. Kurt chuckles, and then frowns slightly as he looks at Sebastian.

Kurt’s fingers are icy against Sebastian’s overly warm cheeks as he brings his hand up to Sebastian’s face. He traces what Sebastian knows is a swollen cheekbone and his thumb lightly catches on Sebastian’s split lip. Sebastian inhales sharply through gritted teeth at it and Kurt pulls back his hand.

“C’mon, I’ll help you clean up.” He gives Sebastian a long, appraising look and then adds, “Take the shirt off. It’ll need soaking.” Sebastian does so on the spot, holding it awkwardly until Kurt takes it from him. “Seriously, Sebastian, did you have to get into a fight? Getting the grass and mud stains out of this every week is bad enough, but now bloodstains? I’m good, but I’m not a miracle worker.” He shakes his head, more to himself apparently, as he wanders off towards their little laundry corner. Sebastian hears Kurt run water into the sink, hears fiddling around as Kurt gets some powder out to mix with the water.

The sound fades as Sebastian walks into the bathroom. He knows he should put on a shirt, that Kurt will bitch at him about getting a cold, but Sebastian is overly hot, adrenaline still thrumming through him. Instead, he just jumps up slightly and sits on the bathroom bench, waiting for Kurt.

“You really should put a shirt on,” Kurt says as he enters the bathroom, “otherwise you’ll get sick and I’ll be stuck taking care of you.” Sebastian knows Kurt doesn’t mind if he gets sick; they always take care of each other. Kurt always makes Sebastian soup, and shoves liquids into him until he feels like exploding, and Sebastian always sneaks into Kurt’s bed and acts as a personal hot water bottle. He knows Kurt likes hot water bottles when he’s sick, likes that they ease the ache in his bones; Sebastian likes to think that a human-sized hot water bottle can only mean better healing. Plus, he doesn’t get cold like a hot water bottle does.

Sebastian just smiles at Kurt, slightly proud of himself for having predicted that that would be the first thing Kurt would say. He kicks his legs slightly, goes to pull a face, but the pain in it increases tenfold, the throbbing becoming slightly sickening as he does so.

Kurt shakes his head at Sebastian, smile rueful. “You really, really didn’t need to do that,” he says, hand going back to Sebastian’s face, fingers colder than before but oddly soothing against the heat of his throbbing face. He watches Kurt’s face as Kurt inspects his, and leans back against the mirror when Kurt leaves the bathroom for a moment. He returns with a dark washcloth, painkillers and a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a dark tea towel.

“Here, put this on your cheek,” Kurt instructs after Sebastian has taken the painkillers. His mouth still tastes of coppery blood and it’s highly unpleasant. Sebastian supposes he can’t complain to Kurt about it though, knowing Kurt will just say that he shouldn’t go around getting into fights.

Kurt dampens the washcloth and steps between Sebastian’s legs. He’s focussed entirely on Sebastian’s mouth and chin, where Sebastian has dried blood. Sebastian is fairly sure some blood also ran down his neck and, oh yes, apparently he was right because Kurt is starting to dab gently at his neck, wiping carefully to get the dried blood off. The movements cause the skin around his lip to pull, making it throb harder, but Sebastian just sits there and lets Kurt clean him up.

Kurt works slowly, carefully, wiping a small patch gently clean before rinsing the cloth and going back to Sebastian’s chin and mouth, over and over for several minutes. When he reaches Sebastian’s mouth, he steps even closer, his face bare inches from Sebastian’s, eyes narrowed and focussed on the swelling and cut on Sebastian’s lip as he cleans it up tenderly.

Sebastian hates to admit it, but right then, he really wants to kiss Kurt. They’ve never kissed before, but in that moment, it seems like the best idea Sebastian has had in a long time. He exhales slowly, trying to ease the tension building in his chest and stomach, soothe the pounding in his heart and… holy shit, is he actually blushing? Sebastian is struggling to remember the last time he actually blushed. And yet, here he is, face inches from his best friend and blushing like some little school girl.

He jerks his face away from Kurt roughly, breaking the moment.

“Did I hurt you?” Kurt asks anxiously, pulling Sebastian’s face back carefully by the chin.

Sebastian shakes his head, looking at the ground. I’m fine, he tells Kurt gently, not quite able to meet his eyes. He gives Kurt a slightly rueful grin and grabs Kurt’s hand, holding it gently and squeezing it before dropping it back. Thanks for helping, he says to Kurt sincerely.

“What are best friends for?” Kurt replies, cleaning the washcloth for the last time and folding it over his arm. “But seriously, don’t get into another fight over me again. Blood really is difficult to get out of things, and I don’t need it. I know you want to defend me, but… do it less violently.”

Right, I forgot you were a pacifist.

“Yes. So, Bas, just ignore them. Some stupid homophobes aren’t going to get to me; I know I’m amazing.” He runs a hand over Sebastian’s uninjured cheek softly, gives Sebastian a sweet grin and glides out of the bathroom.

Sebastian sighs and thinks, Yeah. You are.

 

*

 

Sebastian is sick of the fucking hobbit, Blaine Anderson. He’s always over. He’s always baking cupcakes and (which just aren’t as good as Kurt’s) looking at Kurt like the sun shines out of his fucking ass. He dresses in pants that are too short for him (Kurt tells him they’re meant to be like that, but Sebastian continues to think they’re stupid). And seriously, what is with the damn bowtie? What era does he think he’s living in? Sure, Kurt dresses a little strangely, but... Kurt is Kurt. Blaine is just some short guy with a weird afro that he glues down with a tub of gel.

And he’s always freaking there, sitting in Sebastian’s spot on the couch (it’s the spot right beside Kurt). He’s always in the kitchen, helping Kurt with dinner. Or he’s in the shower with Kurt, giggles coming from both of them. And the worst of it... he stays in Kurt’s room some nights. It’s only like... once a week. But Sebastian hates it, and hates Blaine, and hates that Blaine is the one that can make Kurt smile like that when Sebastian was never able to.

Sebastian is gay as gay gets. He likes cock just as much as the next gay boy. And he knows that Kurt is... kind of a stereotype. He dresses like he stepped off a runway (that is, in highly unusual things that Sebastian isn’t sure works, but Kurt wears anyway, because he’s confident and beautiful), and sings like a freaking bird. But when he’s with Blaine... all Sebastian’s brain can come up with is GAY. GAY GAY GAY. GAY DIDDY GAY DEE GAY. It’s frustrating, because Sebastian kind of misses his sassy best friend. He misses the friend who’ll sit with his legs over Sebastian’s lap as they watch fashion shows, and who throws popcorn at terrible singers on singing shows. He misses his best friend who makes him tea every night, and makes sure he takes his socks off to walk around the house, because damn it, Sebastian, that puts holes in them. He misses Kurt falling asleep on his chest during late night television, and Kurt coming into his room to listen as he practices on the digital piano he has. He misses Kurt storming into his room and throwing sheet music on the stand and demanding that Sebastian accompany him right then and there, because he’s found the perfect song for this and that.

Now? Now he sits quietly with Blaine. Now he falls asleep on Blaine. Now Blaine makes the tea. Now he and Blaine sing duets.

It’s not the same.

Sebastian hates Blaine Anderson.

He knows that Blaine hasn’t done anything inherently wrong, but... he hates him anyway. Sebastian was never one for logical behaviours and appropriate thoughts and actions.

He’s also pretty sure Blaine hates him. Sure, Blaine tries to get along with Sebastian. He tries to talk to him, tries to learn ASL. He always makes tea for Sebastian, and smiles and waves hello each time they run into each other. But he also sees that suspicious look that Blaine gives him when Sebastian is eyeing Kurt. Sebastian suspects Blaine is jealous. In all honesty, Sebastian can’t blame him. His and Kurt’s friendship is one for the ages. And Sebastian isn’t about to give that up because some puppy came along and realised things Sebastian realised when he was freaking six years old, and that’s that Kurt is the most fucking incredible guy around.

What Sebastian fails to realise in his frustrations is that... whilst he might not like Blaine, and Blaine might not like him... Kurt might also not like Blaine as much as Blaine likes Kurt. He doesn’t realise this for weeks though, just sits on the couch, arms crossed over his chest, stewing in his dislike for the shortie, and refusing to speak (hence the arms folded across his chest). But maybe... Maybe Kurt doesn’t like Blaine that much either. Because he starts snapping at Blaine. And Blaine looks so wounded that, for a moment, Sebastian feels a bit bad for him. He feels bad because, hell, he knows what it’s like to be so completely smitten with Kurt E. Hummel, and for Kurt to not return the same level of affection.

But Sebastian just keeps going on, very, very pointedly ignoring his feelings, and telling them to shut up whenever they start to hint that perhaps, just perhaps, he is completely in love with his best friend. Sebastian doesn’t do love. Well, that’s a sort of lie. He loves Kurt, but he’s not in love with Kurt. He just wants to kiss him, and hold his hand, and fall asleep beside him every night and butterfly kiss him into consciousness every morning. But hell, Sebastian has wanted to do that for years. It doesn’t mean he’s in love; it just means he’s clingy.

No, Sebastian doesn’t do love. He kind of blames his dad, who left his mother when he was eleven and broke her heart. Love is stupid, and hurtful, and Sebastian may be many things, but he’s not a masochist.

When, six weeks into the KurtandBlaine courtship, Sebastian gets the news that his mother, his only living relative and the only person he kind of loves aside from Kurt, has been diagnosed with breast cancer, he’s kind of glad that he’s emotionally stunted and is quite good at closing off his feelings. So what if he uses a lot of whisky (and he doesn’t even like whisky) to help close the feelings off? It’s not his problem now.

Right now... All he wants to do is drink, and kill all of his feelings off forever. His mother... She can’t be... dying. Sebastian doesn’t have anyone else. He hasn’t heard from his dad since he left, his grandparents are dead. His mother was an only child so... it’ll just be Sebastian. Sebastian doesn’t really do love, but fuck... he loves his mother. He’d learnt the art of crawling into bed late at night from her, when she’d started doing it when he was twelve. He’d learnt the art of not caring from her. She’d always been emotionally distant, but not to him. Never to him. And the idea that he’s going to lose her in the next two years makes him want to sit on the floor and cry like a goddamn baby.

Kurt gets home that night to find Sebastian drunk out of his mind. He puts Sebastian in the shower when he’s sick over himself, and when he’s sitting on the floor of the shower, he hears Kurt talking to Blaine. Had Blaine come in with Kurt, or had he just arrived? Sebastian can’t find it in himself to care, just rests his head against the cold tiles of the shower, head spinning.

He sits there for ages, hears yelling, and eventually... the slamming of the front door.

Then Kurt is back in the bathroom beside him, a thick towel in his hands. Standing is harder than Sebastian wants to admit, so he kind of crawls into the towel and let Kurt wrap him up and dry him. Kurt looks upset, but his words are gentle to Sebastian as he dries his hair, tone soothing. Sebastian doesn’t know exactly what Kurt is saying, but snuggles into the warmth.

He falls asleep on Kurt’s chest, listening desperately for a heartbeat to tell him that Kurt is alive, and would be for a very long time.

 

*

 

The hangover when Sebastian wakes up is awful. He vaguely recalls Kurt trying to give him water last night, but he’d refused. Kurt can be insistent, but Sebastian when he’s drunk is like a two-year-old who doesn’t want to do something. Kurt’s chest is warm under Sebastian’s head, but it doesn’t stop his head from throbbing painfully. Kurt is sleeping relatively peacefully, his arms around Sebastian’s. Sebastian lies there for long minutes, trying to stop the nauseous feeling, the roiling in his stomach. His chest aches from a numbness he gets when he thinks of his mother. He wonders if he’d told Kurt what had happened last night, or if Kurt is just holding him because he knows Sebastian wouldn’t get so drunk on his own without a thoroughly legitimate reason. Sebastian likes to drink, but getting that drunk? It’s not his usual form.

Kurt stirs eventually, and the movement upsets Sebastian’s head and he’s suddenly out of the bed and lurching to the bathroom. He makes it to the toilet, thankfully, glad that Kurt has the bedroom closest to the bathroom for once. Oh god, he feels fucking awful. His mouth, throat, nose burn as he vomits everything in his stomach, gets to bile before his body has seemingly had enough of the torture.

Behind him, he feels Kurt’s warm hand, soothing on his back, the other stroking through Sebastian’s hair as he hunches over the porcelain.

“I’m going to go and get you some water, Bas,” Kurt says, voice soft and comforting through the throbbing in his forehead. Sebastian nods, sitting back onto the ground, resting his forehead on his knees. Kurt returns a minute later, a glass of water in his hands. He kneels before Sebastian and gives him a rueful smile as Sebastian drinks it. As Sebastian sips, water cool and gentle on his burning throat, he looks up at Kurt. Kurt has red eyes, face puffy, like he spent the night crying. Maybe he knew about Sebastian’s mother already? Maybe Sebastian had told him in his drunkenness.

“Are you ready to tell me what’s wrong now?” Kurt asked, running a hand through Sebastian’s drooping fringe.

Okay, there went that idea. Sebastian’s stomach plummeted at the thought of his mother, and put the glass down on the tiles with trembling fingers. Eventually he was able to sign Mom is dying. She has breast cancer. The doctor thinks she has eighteen months, maybe two years if she’s lucky.

What little colour Kurt has in his face drains as he takes in Sebastian’s news. Sebastian sees Kurt’s eyes spring with tears. Kurt has known his mother for years, and Sebastian suspects that Kurt views his mother as a kind of surrogate, or at least used to until his father had remarried Carole. Either way, he knows Kurt loves Sebastian’s mother. Losing two mothers in his lifetime is a kind of torture that Sebastian wouldn’t wish on anyone, least of all Kurt. Kurt, who is so damn good, and pure, and sweet.

Kurt wraps his arms around Sebastian’s back, and Sebastian feels him sob softly into Sebastian’s shoulder. It feels safe to cry here, bringing his arms up around Kurt’s waist, burying his face in Kurt’s neck as he cries silently.

When they’ve calmed down, their tears a slow ebb rather than a violent flow, Kurt gets them both water and orders Sebastian into another shower. Once Kurt has showered as well, they cover themselves in blankets and curl up on the couch, staring miserably at the floor.

I don’t understand, Sebastian says after a while. If you didn’t know about Mom, how come you were crying last night?

“Oh, you heard that? I thought you were asleep...” Kurt looks horribly upset now, eyes downcast and expression miserable.

I was. You just looked like you spent the night crying last night.

“I... Blaine and I broke up...” Kurt says after a long silence.

Sebastian feels his eyebrows shoot up into his forehead. What?

“I was going to cancel the date I had with him when I saw you...like you were and... he said he was sick of playing second fiddle to you. He thought you’d just gotten drunk, but I know you, and know you wouldn’t get drunk like that unless something awful had happened. Which... it had. But... he said that he wanted a relationship with me, and not you and me. And I told him you’d always come first. That you were my best friend… So… he broke up with me,” Kurt was struggling to get the words out. He kept choking up slightly, “I know it’s nothing compared to losing your mom. I know, but... it still sucks. I really, really liked him.”

Sebastian feels awful. He’d hated Blaine, sure. But he hadn’t wanted Kurt to get his heartbroken. So he wraps an arm around Kurt’s shoulder and pulls him in, hugging him tightly.

He was too short for you anyway.

Kurt just gives a watery chuckle.

 

*

 

Sebastian had thought things would go back to normal once Blaine disappeared. But no, no, things are not normal. Kurt is sad, and moping. Kurt is bitching and snarling. Kurt doesn’t sleep a lot at the moment, and storms around the apartment all of the time, and doesn’t make dinner (so Sebastian is kind of living on toast and bitter tea).

Sebastian’s mother has started treatment out in Boston, and whilst it’s hard not to go to her, he has exams coming up, and a grumpy Kurt to keep an eye on.

One evening, Kurt sits over dinner that Sebastian had managed to scrape together (spaghetti with sauce from a bottle! He’s pretty proud of himself because he usually overcooks the pasta, but tonight, he’s got it right!). He’s picking at his meal, and Sebastian is torn between wanting to hug Kurt and slap some sense into him. He knows Kurt is mourning the break up, but he just doesn’t get it. Sebastian is still right here, looking at Kurt like he hung the fucking moon, but Kurt… Kurt is watching his phone constantly, turning it over to see if a message is there, but there never is. He looks sadder every time, and so Sebastian snatches the phone off the table and pockets it.

“Hey!” Kurt snaps, looking at Sebastian for the first time since they’ve sat down. “Give it back.”

You’re moping and it’s pissing me off, Sebastian tells him, scowling.

“Oh, excuse me,” Kurt snarls. “I’ll go mope in my fucking room then.”

That’s not what I meant, Sebastian starts, realising that he probably isn’t helping matters.I meant… cheer up. I want you to be happy.

“Well, I want my goddamn boyfriend back, but instead, I’m stuck with you.”

Sebastian reels back, feeling stung, but he supposes he deserves it.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. I just… miss Blaine.” He looks so downtrodden, so beaten, and it hurts Sebastian a little. He just wants to see Kurt smile.

Why?

Kurt shrugs and puts his chin in his hands, leaning on his elbows. “He made me feel special. Nobody has ever really been interested in me before. And he liked me a lot. But I guess he didn’t understand that my friendship with you was going to come first,” he sighs and shrugs. “I just miss him.”

I don’t. He was short, and annoying. He doesn’t say that he hated the way Kurt loved Blaine more than him, that it made him ache with jealousy, that he wanted to be the one to make Kurt laugh and smile like that. I’m much better. He only means it as a joke (well, not really, but Kurt doesn’t have to know that). But he sees Kurt’s face cloud with anger, sees him push away from the kitchen bench.

“See, this is your problem! You’ve had the chance to be with me for years and years and you’ve never been interested, but as soon as anyone else displays any interest in me, you become this… monster! Seriously, Sebastian, fuck you. If you were really my best friend, you’d support me and want me to be happy, but no, you’re too selfish to think about anyone but yourself and whether or not this will effect you. Just… fuck you!” It all kind of pours out of Kurt in one big, angry rant. To be honest, Kurt is actually probably right.

He knows Kurt is probably right, loathe he admit it, but… Sebastian doesn’t do well when attacked. He always says hurtful things and before he can stop and think, stop himself, he retorts: Yeah well, don’t get so high and mighty and think this is all about you. What makes you think I actually want you?

Kurt gives a dry and bitter laugh. “Oh please, I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at me for the years.”

Sebastian feels like the carpet has been yanked from under his feet, feels suddenly very exposed. Kurt has known? Kurt has known that Sebastian loves him, and he’s not said anything? He hasn’t… cared at all? That hurts.

Don’t be so arrogant to assume I look at you in any special way. You know me Kurt; the only thing I’m interested in is sex, you included. I just didn’t like the idea of Blaine getting to fuck you before I did.  

Kurt steps back, and it’s his turn to look stung, his eyes wide and shining with hurt. “Well, don’t be so arrogant to assume that our friendship is worth so much that I’ll be home this evening. Or ever again.” He gives Sebastian a withering glare, eyes shining, before he stalks out, grabbing only his coat, keys and phone.

Sebastian is left staring at the door, wondering what the fuck just happened. No, really, what on earth had just happened? It was hardly the worst fight he and Kurt had ever had, but at that moment, he was struggling to recall when he’d ever seen Kurt so… angry at him. Goddamnit, Sebastian. Him and his ability to put his entire foot in his mouth by being a brash asshole.

Sebastian brings his hands to his face, burying his head in them as he scrubs his face in frustration. Shit.

 

*

 

When Kurt doesn’t return that night, Sebastian knows he’s royally fucked up. He gets a message from Kurt saying he’ll be around to pack his things, and could Sebastian please not be there. Sebastian feels cold as he reads the message over and over again, finally sending a single k back. He doesn’t try to apologise, knows it’s too late. He knows he’s fucked up to the point that Kurt won’t forgive him. It’s ruined. It’s fucking ruined.

He hates himself right then. He hates the entire world. He hates the world for giving his mother cancer, for slowly and painfully killing her. He hates himself for upsetting Kurt and not only getting the love of his life out of it, but losing his best friend. It’s all thanks to his stupid words, stupid actions, and in some way, lack thereof.

So that afternoon, before Kurt comes over, he leaves his phone at home, and goes to a bar a few streets over.

There, he drinks.

And drinks.

And fucks a stranger in the bathroom.

And drinks some more.

He doesn’t go home, not wanting to see the half-empty apartment, the sign that he’d lost what was most important to him. Instead, he keeps finding new conquests, crashes into their beds, drunk, spends the night and leaves the next morning. He finds ways to occupy himself during the day, ways to ignore his classes. He takes his finals, and miraculously doesn’t fail, despite being hung over, and not having practiced in days. And every night finds him in a new bar, fucking a new stranger, and drinking himself further and further into a stupor.

He knows he’s being stupid, knows that he has to go home eventually. But this is better. This is painful, but physically so. He fucks without lube, drinks so much that he’s pretty sure he’s doing himself permanent liver damage. He can’t wake up without feeling sick

Sebastian sort of loses track of the days for a while there.

When he wakes up in hospital to bright lights and needles going into his wrist, and people rushing around him, he thinks he might have pushed it too far.

“Oh good, he’s conscious,” he hears someone say, and a nurse appears before his eyes. Well, he assumes it’s a nurse, because they’re in scrubs. Do doctors wear them? Or long white coats? Oh god, he hurts… Oh… shit. He’s going to be sick.

He manages to push himself up enough and luckily someone is armed with a bag so he’s able to throw up into it.

“Get him some zofran.”

Sebastian feels someone lift his hand, can actually feel something enter his arm and a minute later, the nausea eases. He lies back on the pillows, shivering. Oh god, he feels like he’s dying. His muscles ache, his head screams, he can’t control his limbs. Everything looks and feels and sounds like it’s happening a thousand miles away, through a thick cloud. He feels his wrist get moved several times as people push things through the cannula in his wrist, gets asked questions, but can’t do more than nod or shake his head weakly.

“Alright, sir, it’s too late for charcoal, so we’re going to give you some other medication. Just have to check you have health insurance?”

Sebastian doesn’t know why they’d give him charcoal, but he registers health insurance and tries to search for his wallet to get his card, but struggles to move. Eventually, after much struggling to get his fingers to coordinate, he gets his wallet out of his back pocket. He collapses back onto the bed, shuddering, sweating furiously.

“Doctor Black,” a sweet voice says in the distance, “it’s rohypnol. Given the state he came in, we ought to do a rape kit.”

The doctor must have found his wallet because she’s squeezing Sebastian’s hand and saying “Sebastian, I’m Doctor Black. Can you hear me? We’re going to give you some medication  and…”

The world fades out, and Sebastian thinks in the back of his mind that it’s a little funny that his world faded to black as soon as he heard Doctor Black’s name.

 

*

 

Sebastian wakes up alone in a private hospital room. There is a glass wall beside him, large backwards letters reading ICU. He sees various staff walking around outside his room and he blinks blearily at them. It looks like it’s day time.

He aches all over. His head feels heavy. Actually, as he tries to move anything… all of him feels heavy. That said, at least he doesn’t feel sick. Beside him he can hear a soft beeping, and a slow glance to his side shows a heart monitor. He glances down his body, sees a cannula in his wrist, two tubes coming out of it and attached to two bags above his head, dripping slowly. Numerous cords are coming out of the hospital-standard gown he’s in. A blood pressure cuff is around his other arm, the same with the heart monitor, and it slowly ticks to life, tightening around his arm and then slowly releasing. He licks his chapped lips slowly, trying to bring moisture to them.

Images of the night before flicker through his mind. He remembers convulsions. Lights from the nightclub he’d been at. Vomiting. Cold. Hot. He feels his head loll slightly to the side, drags his heavy eyelids open.

“Good morning, mister Smythe.” A young woman comes into his room, checks the cannula, his blood pressure, heart rate. “How are you feeling?”

Sebastian signals in the air that he needs a pen and paper and she brings him one.

Shit, he writes. He can’t use the hand connected to the IV, so he’s forced to write. He also doubts she knows sign language.

She chuckles at him. “Mutism?” she asks.

He nods. What happened?

“Not certain, but you had large amounts of alcohol in your system, as well as a nearly lethal dose of rohypnol. We’re treating that now and flushing your system out, so you’ll be just fine. One of our doctors and psychologists will be around soon to talk to you, now that you’re awake.”

When the doctor comes around an hour later, he learns a little more and is a little more coherent. He’s tired but he’s at least able to keep his eyes open briefly. The doctor tells him that he was found unconscious on the floor of the bathroom at a club Sebastian doesn’t even recall going to and the ambulance had been called. He’d gone into cardiac arrest, nearly died, all the good stuff. The doctor tells him it’ll take 52 hours to completely flush his system, but at the moment, things are looking good for him. A rape kit had revealed no rape, something Sebastian is grateful for. When the doctor asks if there is anyone he needs to contact, Sebastian shakes his head. No. He’ll be just fine.

He doesn’t need anyone.

 

*

 

When they release Sebastian from the hospital three days later, minus a significant amount of money, he elects to take a cab home. He may not be dead, but he still feels like shit. His throat is raw from throwing up, his entire body aches from the convulsions that had plagued him earlier in the week. His head at least isn’t pounding and he’s hydrated, but he’s armed with a small pouch of hospital-grade painkillers for when the headache returns, something they’ve assured him is quite likely.

He hasn’t been home in nearly two weeks, hasn’t seen or spoken to Kurt in as much time. He honestly doesn’t want to go home if Kurt isn’t there, but at this point, Sebastian has no idea of where he can go. The past two weeks has been spent with more men than he cares to think of, but of course it hasn’t eased the ache inside of his chest. The idea of going back to an empty apartment, missing half of the things that belonged, missing Kurt’s things, makes him feel sicker to the stomach than any alcohol or drug poisoning.

He takes the lift up to their floor with a heavy heart, not wanting to see the lights out, the apartment missing all of the warm touches Kurt brought to it. Sebastian owns all of the furniture thanks to his trust account, but Kurt had added the homely touches, such as the pillows, the knick-knacks on the bookshelves, the photos on the walls, the notepad on the fridge for their shopping list. All of those were Kurt and they’d be gone now.

Sebastian rests his head against the front door, weary from the trip home from the hospital, insides heavy as if filled with lead. He knows he should have apologised to Kurt, shouldn’t have thrown away fourteen years of friendship over something so stupid. Sure, he is in love with Kurt. But Kurt had been right. Sebastian has had the chance to be with Kurt for years, but has been too stupid to realise his own feelings. It had only when someone else came into the picture that Sebastian had realised, and fuck… That had hurt. And Sebastian has been selfish. If he loved Kurt as much as he thought, he shouldn’t have cared if Kurt dated somebody else. All he should have wanted was for Kurt to be happy.

It hits him like an epiphany then. Sure, it’ll hurt Sebastian that Kurt isn’t a part of his life anymore but… Kurt doesn’t need Sebastian. He doesn’t need a best friend who cares more about his own happiness than Kurt’s. He needs somebody who would love every bit about him, and do anything to ensure Kurt was happy, and is actually willing to act on those feelings. Sebastian wants to make Kurt happy, but if Kurt isn’t happy here… Sebastian will learn to live with it, even if it breaks his heart. Kurt needs somebody who loves him and thinks he is the sun and moon and stars. Sebastian thinks Kurt is that too, but Sebastian has been so fucking stupid and hasn’t realised that soon enough, damn it, and now…now he has to live with the consequences that somebody else has realised before him. If that’s what makes Kurt happy…

He frowns to himself, wipes at his eyes (which had apparently started leaking during his epiphany) and gives a slow huff of defeat. Steeling himself for a cold and empty apartment, Sebastian fumbles in his pockets for his keys and manages to get the lock open. He closes the door softly behind him, leans back on it slowly as he braces himself. As he opens his eyes, he’s met with the unexpected.

The apartment is warm and well-lit. Shit, had Sebastian left the lights and heating on before he’d left? No, no, Kurt has to have been back to take his stuff out at some point.

“Sebastian?” He hears Kurt’s cracked voice coming from the kitchen, and all of a sudden Kurt’s face is popping out through the doorway. He looks like shit, pallid, eyes red and swollen from crying, bags under his eyes. His hair looks completely free of product, and it seems he hasn’t been keeping up with his skincare routine because he looks faintly grey. He’s wearing sweatpants and what he is fairly sure is one of Sebastian’s hoodies.

“Oh my god…” There is barely a beat of silence before Sebastian is thrown back by the weight of Kurt launching himself fully at Sebastian. He feels Kurt’s arms wrap tightly around his neck, legs around his waist and Sebastian nearly topples over under the surprise of it all. Slower than he would like, reactions delayed by intense shock, Sebastian wraps his arms around Kurt, holding him close. He feels Kurt’s entire body shaking under his hands, Kurt sobbing brokenly into his shoulder.

“You’re home… Oh my god, you’re home…” Kurt is whispering through sobs, voice choked. “I have been… Oh my god, I’ve been so fucking worried.” Suddenly, almost overbalancing Sebastian, Kurt pulls back, face covered in tears and sudden anger in his eyes. He slaps Sebastian across the face, hard, and Sebastian’s eyes widen in shock when Kurt throws himself back around him. “Oh my god, I have been so fucking worried…” He breaks down into tears again, and Sebastian feels his heart breaking, his entire chest ache with it.

Slowly, when it seems like Kurt isn’t going to let go anytime soon, Sebastian moves them to the couch and sits down with some difficulty, Kurt still wrapped around him. There, he buries a hand in Kurt’s hair, stroking the nape of his neck softly in an effort to calm Kurt. Sebastian can’t believe that Kurt is not only here, but holding Sebastian and crying into him. Sebastian had been so sure he’d lost Kurt forever.

Sebastian loses track of time as Kurt clings to him. To be fair, Sebastian is clinging back, and might also be crying against Kurt’s warm shoulder. It smells like Sebastian, but underneath his hoodie, he can smell Kurt, and he smells like perfection. Eventually, Kurt pulls away, loosens his arms, and seems to realise he’s straddling Sebastian closely.

Kurt wipes his eyes with his hands, gives Sebastian a weak, watery smile. He pulls back slightly, still seated on Sebastian’s lap, but just far enough that their chests aren’t touching anymore.

“I…” Kurt starts, and tears fill his eyes again, and Sebastian, hating to see Kurt crying, hates that he’s the one bringing such tears to his eyes, brings a hand up to Kurt’s cheek, thumbing away the tears that leak out slowly from Kurt’s eyes.

Sebastian feels his breath coming quicker, in a way that only ever happens around Kurt. He drags his eyes over Kurt’s face, taking in his mussed hair, flushed red face, red damp eyes, swollen mouth. Kurt always complains that he’s an ugly crier, but fuck, Sebastian can’t see it at all. All he sees are those same blue-green eyes he fell in love with, eyelashes damp and clinging together from tears, pale and perfect skin, and freckles… Sebastian wants to kiss each freckle. Kurt seems to feel it too, and plays the old familiar game where he alternates between staring at Sebastian’s eyes and mouth, lingering longer each time.

He’s not sure who moves first but he’s pretty sure they both do. He’d always expected that if they kissed it’d be a surge forward, a crashing of mouths. Instead, they inch closer. Sebastian can feel his breath mingling warmly with Kurt’s, caresses his cheek, swipes a thumb slowly across Kurt’s cheek. When he finally feels Kurt’s lips against his, he gets the sparks that he’d always heard about but never believed in. Kurt’s mouth is warm and tastes of tears against his, lips so insanely soft in ways that he doesn’t think is possible.

“I’ve wanted you to do that since I was twelve,” Kurt breathes out against Sebastian’s mouth, a hand coming up to Sebastian’s neck, trailing in the soft hairs at the back of his neck. Sebastian wasn’t aware of doing it, but his own hands are cupping Kurt’s cheeks, feeling the skin so delicately soft beneath his fingertips.

Instead of trying to think of a response, he pulls Kurt back in, kissing him deeply, almost as if to apologise for taking so long to realise the depth of his feelings for Kurt. Slow, languid minutes pass as they kiss, and by the time they break apart Sebastian isn’t sure who is trembling harder between the two of them. Everything is fucking perfect and he actually wants to cry from happiness. And Sebastian doesn’t cry at just anything! But right then, in that moment, it feels like everything he’s ever wanted in the world is right there in his arms, holding him back, trailing sweet kisses from his mouth, over his cheeks, jaw, neck, nose. Everywhere that Kurt can reach, he’s kissing, hands touching him reverently.

Sebastian pulls back from his kisses, putting his hands on Kurt’s shoulders so Kurt can see him sign I love you.

Kurt gives him the brightest, widest grin Sebastian has ever seen on him and that… that is what Sebastian had wanted all of his life. He looks happier than Sebastian has ever seen him and it’s everything that Sebastian has ever dreamed of, all in one expression. Kurt surges forward and kisses him deeply, hard, and mumbles something that sounds awfully like “I love you,” against his lips. He pulls back from Sebastian’s mouth and signs it over and over again, before going back to Sebastian’s mouth, kissing him as he mumbles the words desperately into Sebastian’s skin, imprinting it there forever.

After what has to be the happiest hour of Sebastian’s life, Kurt finally stops kissing him and says “We… should probably talk though, Sebastian.”

Sebastian feels his heart sink. He doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to stay here and kiss every inch of Kurt’s skin, and hold him until they’re almost one. But… Kurt is probably right. He sighs and nods, unable to stop his lower lip extending slightly in a tiny pout.

“Where were you, Sebastian?” Kurt asks, still not pulling off from his lap, but eyes serious. “You disappeared for nearly two weeks, left your phone here. I thought you were dead, but I heard you didn’t miss any of your finals so… I knew you weren’t. But… God, I was frantic.”

I thought you weren’t coming back, Sebastian confesses, not meeting Kurt’s eyes. I didn’t want to come back here if you weren’t.

“Oh my god, that was said in anger! You can never take anything I say in anger seriously!” Kurt protests, expression mortified.

It was a pretty bad fight, at least for us.

“We’ve had far worse, Sebastian. I’m not going to give up on my best friend since I was five over some stupid fight.”

What about some stupid boy?

“Blaine and I broke up because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my friendship with you over any boy,” Kurt looks a little flushed as he continues in a softer voice. “He… may have accurately accused me of being in love with you.”

Accurately accused?

“Well, yes. He accused me of being in love with you. And he was right.”

So you were in love with me? Even then?

Kurt blushes fully now, but gives Sebastian a tiny grin, almost impish. “Sebastian, I’ve been in love with you since I was about fourteen. I’ve wanted to kiss you for even longer.”

Then why did you date him?! Sebastian asks incredulously.

“Sebastian… How long have you been in love with me?” Kurt asks, changing the topic suddenly.

Since you sung Blackbird at Nationals. Why?

“That was our senior year of high school. We’re in our junior year of college now. That’s three years. You’ve fucked a lot of guys in that time. Why?”

Because I didn’t think I could have you. You were my best friend. I’m willing to fuck up a lot of shit. But I didn’t want to fuck up that.

“Exactly.”

Oh.

“I have been smitten with you since I was fourteen. I’ve been actually in love for years now. But after a while you start to think… Time to move on, Kurt. It’s not going to happen between you so… you may as well try and find someone else.”

They’re not the same, are they? Sebastian signs, pulling a face. He hadn’t consciously been in love with Kurt but there had always been something missing in the guys he’d fucked, and it wasn’t the lack of emotional connection. It was that they never seemed to measure up to Kurt.

Kurt is biting his lower lip, giving Sebastian a tentative look. “Sebastian… I… I know we fight. I know… this is a big risk… A huge risk but… I want to try this. You. And me. As a couple.”

Sebastian can’t say anything. All he can do is look at Kurt, whose eyes are shining with happiness, and skin is still flushed from their kissing minutes ago. His hair is sticking at odd angles, and the greyness he’d noticed in Kurt’s skin when he’d gotten home is gone now, replaced with a glow that Sebastian knows some people would kill for.

He just nods, completely breathless at the beautiful image of his Kurt, and pulls Kurt down for another kiss. Kurt melts into the kiss, chest pressing against Sebastian’s, arms going up to wrap around his neck. Sebastian’s hands go to the small of Kurt’s back, bringing him impossibly close. But of course, it’s just not enough. Of course it’s not enough. This is Sebastian, he is talking about. And Kurt. God, Kurt.

“Can... can we go to the bedroom?” Kurt asks against Sebastian’s mouth, voice rough and shy.

Sebastian is shocked. He’d not expected anything like this. He wants to ask Kurt if he’s sure, if he’s asking what Sebastian thinks he’s asking, but Kurt just mumbles “And yes, I’m sure, and yes, I know what I’m asking...” against Sebastian’s neck, as if he knew what Sebastian had been thinking. Honestly, Kurt knows him so well that it’s not at all a surprise that Kurt can read his mind.

Kurt pulls off of Sebastian’s lap reluctantly, mouth and hands the last thing to disappear from Sebastian’s body. He stands in front of Sebastian and Sebastian leans forward and presses a kiss to the soft materiel covering Kurt’s stomach. Kurt shivers slightly. At this angle, Sebastian can see that Kurt is turned on, and god, if that doesn’t make Sebastian practically dizzy with arousal, he doesn’t know what will. Sebastian stands, takes the hand Kurt has offered, and Kurt leads them to Sebastian’s bedroom.

It’s clear that Kurt has been in his room in Sebastian’s absence. The room is clean, not at all how Sebastian left it a fortnight ago. The only mess in the room is the bed. The bed is made, but it’s clear that Kurt has been lying on it, the creases obvious and the pillows to the side, as if Kurt had been spooning Sebastian’s pillows in his absence.

Missed me? Sebastian teases, a rueful smile on his face.

“Like you wouldn’t fucking believe. Don’t you ever leave me again, you asshole,” Kurt says softly, hand going to the back of Sebastian’s neck and bringing him the bare inches down for another kiss.

I know you’re serious because you’re swearing. And you never swear, Sebastian says when he pulls away.

“I am dead fucking serious,” Kurt tells him, eyes serious. “I missed you so much that I felt positively sick. I... Shit, Bas. I had to sleep in here. I always knew you smelled like comfort, but I didn’t realise how much until I tried to sleep in an empty apartment for two weeks.”

Sebastian understands what Kurt says when he says he smells of comfort. Sebastian feels the same way. The most sure-fire way for Sebastian to calm down after a stressful day isn’t alcohol, or fucking... It’s a hug from Kurt. Kurt smells like home. Like comfort. Sebastian only ever has to inhale deeply into Kurt’s neck and he can feel tension bleed from his neck and shoulders. When he’s upset, it’s not only Kurt’s arms that soothe him, but Kurt’s smell. He knows Kurt feels the same because on more than one occasion, he’s noticed Kurt sniffing Sebastian when he hugs him.

“Take me to bed...” Kurt breathes, breaking through Sebastian’s reverie. His eyes are shining with happiness, happiness that somehow Sebastian has inadvertently caused.

Sebastian nods, a desperate smile of happiness breaking across his face. He walks backwards towards the bed, hand still in Kurt’s. When the backs of his knees hit the bed, he stops and slowly, kissing Kurt softly. He slides his hands up under the hoodie Kurt is wearing and gently pulls it up and over Kurt’s head. He lets it drop to the floor, and he knows then just how in the moment Kurt is because he doesn’t bend to pick it up, or try to fold it. Instead, Kurt’s eyes go back to Sebastian’s the second the hoodie is off. Kurt’s hands slip under Sebastian’s coat and he pushes it over his shoulders. Sebastian drops his arms and lets the coat sink to the floor, forgotten the second it’s off his shoulders.

Kurt’s expression holds no hesitance, just shyness. Kurt is a thousand times more confident in himself now than when he was in high school. In this situation however, he’s new, and Sebastian his usual confidence has shifted. He’s biting his lower lip in such a gorgeous way that Sebastian has to cup his cheek and tease it from his teeth before sucking it into his mouth gently, soothing it with his tongue. Kurt makes the tiniest sound in the back of his throat and suddenly, Sebastian’s mission is to make Kurt make as many of those beautiful sounds as he physically can. Nimble fingers start unbuttoning Kurt’s shirt, push it from his shoulders, and undershirt going up over his head before being left on the pile on the floor. 

Now Kurt is bright red, the colour tinging his face, neck, the top of his chest. Sebastian smiles broadly.

“Shut up,” Kurt mutters. “I’m not used to this.” He folds his arms across his chest self-consciously. Sebastian and Kurt have seen each other shirtless a thousand times before, but this? This is different. Sebastian has been shirtless among hundreds of guys but even he feels a little self-conscious now. And Sebastian doesn’t have a shameful bone in his body!

You’re perfect, Sebastian tells him, quickly yanking his own filthy t-shirt and jersey over his head and dropping them gracelessly. Now they’re on even ground and he settles his hands on Kurt’s hips, just above the cut of his sweatpants. He trails the fingers gently over the shining white stretchmarks that Kurt developed when he hit his growth spurt at sixteen. He knows Kurt hates them, but Sebastian has his own up his back from his own growth spurt. Sebastian’s doesn’t care about them though, just loves the soft little indents in the skin that stretches over Kurt’s hipbones.

He kisses Kurt deeply this time and with great care, brings them both down to lay beside each other on the bed. Sebastian shivers when he finally feels Kurt’s warm chest press against his. He’s heard Kurt talk about the electricity of a touch and Sebastian has touched a shit ton of people before, but he’s never felt the electricity until now. Gooseflesh breaks out over his skin as he presses himself fully to Kurt, one leg going between Kurt’s thighs, and then presses their bodies entirely from hip to chest.

Sebastian doesn’t know how long they lie there, just kissing, feeling, before Kurt’s hands slide down to Sebastian’s ass, brings him closer still.

“Can we?” Kurt breathes, pulling away for a second. Sebastian nods enthusiastically. Hell fucking yes, they can! “But please… be gentle? It’s my first time.” Again, the violent red blush races up Kurt’s skin.

Sebastian is about to say that of course he’ll be gentle, that he’ll be so fucking reverent and worshipful that Kurt will start to wonder if he has divine powers when it occurs to him what Kurt has said. He raises his eyebrows, scowls slightly in confusion. He had thought Kurt and Blaine had slept together…

“We… We did some stuff. Mostly handjobs. Like, two blowjobs. We never actually had… sex-sex,” Kurt explains when he sees Sebastian’s expression.

Instead of speaking, Sebastian just pulls Kurt back in, kisses him slow, deep, and gentle.

Sebastian has never made love, thinks the term is kind of awkward and silly. He doesn’t even like to think it. But it occurs to him as he’s kissing down Kurt’s body with warm, open-mouthed kisses, as he’s slowly stretching him open, and pressing in, tiny increments at a time, with such slowness that he is fairly sure he’s going to explode, that this is what he’s doing with Kurt. He’s not just fucking him; he’s… making… love. Ugh, no, even thinking it while he’s holding Kurt so close feels weird and awkward.

For a moment, he thinks maybe they should do it in another position, make it more comfortable for Kurt. But Kurt just shakes his head, says that Sebastian can’t make sound so how will he know if Sebastian is enjoying it. Sebastian wants to reassure him that he’ll definitely enjoy it, but he’s not going to argue, not when he gets to watch Kurt’s face go lax with pleasure, watch him bite his lip as he struggles to keep his sounds to a minimum.

Kurt is perfect. He’s responsive, arches into Sebastian’s touches, kisses him at every opportunity, whines softly into Sebastian’s mouth, gasps and moans when Sebastian presses a spot he likes. His nails dig into Sebastian’s back, back arching, chest heaving as Sebastian brings him closer. His legs feel perfect wrapped around his waist, heels against the back of his thighs. When he finally comes, shuddering, arching, moans muffled from where he’s biting into Sebastian’s shoulder, Sebastian is fairly sure it’s the hottest thing he’s ever experienced. Because, don’t get him wrong… This is beautiful and intense. But it’s also fucking incredible, and makes his head spin with pleasure, and he’s pretty sure it’s the best sex he’s ever had.

Things aren’t perfect. He doesn’t mean to, but he hurts Kurt a few times. There’s a lot more lube than their needs to be, and Kurt scratches him so badly that his skin bleeds a bit. But Sebastian suspects that just because it’s Kurt things are perfect. Seriously though… Who gave him the right to be so damn fucking hot when he came? It’s enough to make Sebastian finally give in and come, gasping into Kurt’s neck, pressed so deep into Kurt that he sees Kurt wince a little.

When he’s finally pulled out, cleaned up a little, he brings Kurt into his chest, holding him so tightly that Kurt laughs and shoves him back a little, saying that he’s holding too tightly. Sebastian begs to differ, doesn’t think he could ever hold Kurt too tightly.

“I’m glad it was you,” Kurt confesses softly as they lie there, head cushioned on Sebastian’s chest. His fingertips are tracing Sebastian’s, occasionally dipping into the space between his fingers. “Yanno, that I lost my sex-virginity to…” He explains, grinning at Sebastian like he hung the fucking sun, moon and stars. It’s a little terrifying to see Kurt looking at him with such open love and adoration. He thinks Kurt is the best thing ever, but to see that Kurt so clearly returns his affections is a little humbling. And Sebastian is anything but humble.

Kurt lifts his head up slightly, rests his chin on Sebastian’s sternum as he looks up to meet Sebastian’s eyes. He bites his kiss-swollen lower lip, the white of his teeth a stark contrast to the pinkness. “Why me?” he asks, eyes big, expression content but curious.

Why you? Sebastian signs, reluctant to move his arms from around Kurt enough to sign.

Kurt nods, the corners of his mouth quirking up into a smile that Sebastian can only think of as adorable and somehow, Sebastian knows what he’s asking.

He knows it’s corny… It’s probably the corniest thing he’s ever thought, but the fact that the thought pops straight into his mind means he should probably say it. Sebastian doesn’t do corny, but he supposes, just this once, it won’t hurt.

Because you were the only one who ever heard me, he signs with a soft smile, hand then going to Kurt’s cheek to bring him in for another sweet kiss. When he pulls away and rests his forehead against Kurt’s, he sees that Kurt’s eyes are limpid with such a crazy, obvious happiness that Sebastian briefly questions his body’s lack of romantic bones. Maybe he should say stuff like this more often if it means that he’ll make Kurt look like he’s going to burst into tears, if he can keep making Kurt look so fucking happy.

Kurt chuckles and then kisses Sebastian again, deep and intimate. “I love you…” He breathes against Sebastian’s mouth, before settling back into the tight circle of Sebastian’s arms.

Sebastian has never been happier.