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If asked, Neil will maintain that it’s all Matt’s fault. Everyone else will tell him the blame is entirely on him, but that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
They’re hanging out in the girls’ room when it happens, ignoring the freshmen and watching bad reality television. Matt’s scrolling through his phone, dicking around on the internet, and Neil is braiding Allison’s hair.
“Hey, did you know you can stick a light bulb in your mouth but you can’t pull it back out? Apparently your brain feels it pulling against your teeth and won’t let you because it thinks you’re gonna break your mouth,” Matt says. This is not something Matt should have said in front of Neil.
“I bet I could get it back out,” Neil says. This is not something Neil should have said in front of the upperclassmen.
“How much are we betting?” Allison asks, because this is the first time Neil’s gotten involved in a bet, even if it’s because he chose his words poorly.
“20? Is 20 a good number?” Neil offers, looking to Matt for confirmation.
“I mean you bought Andrew a car but go off I guess,” Allison says, then takes a sip of her green tea.
“Yeah but it was my fault his got trashed. This is just a bet on whether or not I can get a light bulb out of my mouth,” Neil counters.
“20 dollars is a normal amount for a bet, Neil, Allison’s frame of reference is just skewed,” Dan assures him, pretending she’s not captain so that she can find out if Neil can take a light bulb out of his mouth without breaking it or himself.
They take a moment to choose sides, Matt sticking with Neil and Dan and Allison saying he won’t be able to do it. Neil is a little offended they don’t believe in his big mouth after all they’ve witnessed him do.
“Great. If that’s settled, someone get me a light bulb,” Neil says. Allison leaves, goes into the bathroom, and returns holding a spare bulb.
Neil holds it for a couple of minutes, gauging the size and shape before opening his mouth to a disturbing degree and pushing it past his teeth. It slides in easily, Neil’s jaw closing around it, and he leaves it there for a few seconds, flexing his facial muscles as he prepares to pull it back out.
He takes firm hold of the end of the bulb, flexes his jaw one last time, and pulls the light bulb out. Except, the light bulb doesn’t come out.
Brow furrowed, Neil stretches his jaw a bit wider and tries again. Again, nothing happens, and the bulb stays lodged behind his teeth, keeping his mouth slightly open and his tongue pressed flat. A bit of drool starts to escape out of the corner of his mouth.
“Neil, I think you just lost the bet,” Matt says, already digging out his wallet. Neil tries to protest but it’s muffled by the light bulb protruding from his mouth.
“Pay up, bitches,” Allison says, taking Matt’s money with great relish. Neil rolls his eyes, but digs out his wallet and gives Dan a twenty.
The group sits in silence for a few minutes, staring at Neil and the light bulb in his mouth.
“Okay, so how do we get it out?” Matt finally asks, after several significant looks have been shared amongst the upperclassmen.
“I don’t think we thought this through very well,” Dan says, squinting at Neil’s mouth as though that will solve the problem. A bit more drool leaks out. Some of it drips onto Neil’s shirt.
“We could call Abby and ask her to help,” Allison suggests. “She knows medical shit and probably won’t kill him like Aaron would.”
“Yeah, that makes sense. I’ll call her,” Dan says, and gets up to step into the hall to make the call. She opens the door to find Renee lining her key up with the lock, fresh from a sparring session with Andrew.
“Hello,” Renee says, looking past Dan to see the rest of the room’s occupants. “What have you guys been up to?”
“Neil bet Allison twenty bucks he’s be able to get a light bulb into and out of his mouth without breaking it and he lost,” Dan says. “I was about to call Abby to ask for help getting it out.”
Renee’s face is carefully blank, and Neil isn’t sure if it’s because she’s holding back laughter or a scream. Her eyes roll upwards until it looks like she’s pleading with god and Neil decides she’s probably holding back a scream. Eventually, she steps to the side and lets Dan pass her into the hallway.
Andrew appears in the doorway then, drawn by Renee’s obvious pain. Immediately his eyes lock onto Neil, despite Neil trying to hide behind Matt.
“What are you doing,” Andrew asks in a way that doesn’t sound very much like a question at all.
“ahpulablimo,” Neil says. “anoahcagiou.”
“What.”
“He bet Allison twenty bucks he’d be able to put a light bulb in his mouth and take it back out again and then he lost the bet,” Matt says. “Dan’s calling Abby to ask for help.”
Andrews face changes just slightly and Neil knows his percentage has just gone up. Probably by a lot.
“ahono ahyolae,” Neil says. “uhaho oo iloo ahes.”
“Yeah I don’t know what that was supposed to mean,” Matt says after staring at Neil in utter bafflement for a solid 45 seconds.
Neil sighs and rolls his eyes before patting down his pockets looking for his phone. He eventually finds it in the pouch of his hoodie, pulls it out, and starts typing. A few seconds later Andrew’s phone dings.
Andrew reads the text, then puts his phone back in his pocket. Neil is still typing. It dings again. Andrew ignores it. It dings again. Andrew ignores it.
Matt’s phone dings. He pulls it out and reads it. He says, “Neil says you’re a coward and should face him like a man.”
Andrew raises one eyebrow. Matt takes a step back so Neil is between him and Andrew. Dan walks back in.
“Abby says we should take Neil to the hospital and let them handle it. Coach says he isn’t getting paid enough for this, so I think she’s only sending us there because she and Coach are busy,” Dan says, then winks. Matt shudders. Neil can relate.
“ahmahn,” Neil says. “ahahnahnleh.”
Andrew gives him a Look. Matt’s phone dings.
“He says he’s fine and he can handle it, but we all know that’s bullshit so who’s going to drive him to the emergency room?” Matt asks.
Andrew and Neil have a staring contest. Neil blinks first. Andrew leaves. Matt’s phone dings.
“Grab anything you’ll need while we’re there. Dan, I’m driving Neil to they hospital, do you want to come?”
“Yeah, why not. I’ll take any excuse to avoid the freshmen for a bit longer,” Dan says, grabbing her hoodie from the back of the couch.
Walking through the hallway toward the stairwell, they pass the open door to the room the freshmen are hanging out in. Terry spots them first and leans out of the door to say hello before noticing the light bulb in Neil’s mouth. It’s very hard to miss.
“What, uh. What are you guys up to?” Terry asks, drawing the attention of the rest of the freshmen in the room. The only ones missing are Jack and Sheena, for which Neil is infinitely grateful.
“I’m taking Neil to the hospital to get the light bulb taken out of his mouth,” Matt answers with no hesitation. Matt’s phone dings. “Neil says he’s fine and can handle it himself but we’re ignoring him because he’s lying.”
“Oh. Okay,” Terry says, drawing out the last syllable as he slowly backs away and shuts the door.
The drive to the hospital is short and mostly silent, aside from the occasional odd slurping noise as Neil tries to suck the spit back into his mouth.
Neil tries to walk into the emergency room with confidence, but there’s a growing wet spot on the front of his shirt and his jaw is starting to get sore.
Matt leads him to the sign in desk, where they’re met with an obviously bored nurse. The waiting room is filled with other college students and the occasional actual adult.
“Name?” the nurse asks, barely looking up from the computer screen she’s using.
“Neil Josten,” Matt answers.
“Date of birth?” Matt’s phone dings.
“March 31st.”
“Reason for your visit today?” Matt’s phone dings. He ignores it.
“There’s a light bulb stuck in his mouth and we can’t get it out.”
“Go ahead and sit down in the waiting room. You’ll be called when the doctor is ready for you,” the nurse says, already not paying attention to them.
“Josten? Neil Josten?” a different nurse calls about an hour and a half later. Neil, Matt, and Dan all stand up and approach the nurse. “The doctor will see you now.”
They follow the nurse into one of the exam rooms, and Neil hops up onto the table. Dan sits in the chair for family. Matt stands next to Neil.
The doctor walks in a few moments later, reading the chart on his clipboard. “What seems to be the problem today?” he asks, looking up. As soon as he sees Neil, he stops. “I think I can see the problem. If you don’t mind me asking, why?”
“I saw online that you can’t put a light bulb into your mouth and then take it out, and he wanted to prove me wrong,” Matt says. His phone dings. He reads it. He puts it back in his pocket. It dings again. He ignores it. “We didn’t think through what would happen if he failed.”
The doctor sighs. “Stay here for a moment. I’ll be back and we can fix this.”
The doctor leaves. Dan, Matt, and Neil wait quietly in the exam room. The only sound is Neil continuing to try and suck the spit back into his mouth. His hoodie is nearly soaked. The doctor comes back in.
He’s carrying a hand towel, some string, and a reflex hammer. He looks very tired of his job. Neil thinks it’s his own fault for working at a hospital near a college.
“I’m going to wrap this towel around the light bulb, and then I’m going to break it. It should catch all the shards, but if you feel any pain, let me know immediately,” the doctor says, already approaching to start shoving cloth into Neil’s mouth. Neil isn’t a fan.
It goes smoothly after that. The light bulb breaks easily and none of the glass escapes. Neil’s jaw is sore, and his shirt feels gross, but other than that he’s fine. Neil pays the bill out of pocket in cash so that the FBI agent tracking his spending won’t know about this.
It's nearly time for practice when they get back to Fox Tower, and Neil is hoping Kevin will have made Andrew leave already so Neil can suffer his shame in peace for a little while longer. His luck isn’t that good.
“That wasn’t your brightest idea, was it?” Andrew asks dryly. Neil flips him off as he walks into his room to get changed, still rubbing his sore jaw. Andrew follows him. “You know, I think you should have kept it there.”
“Why’s that, Andrew?” Neil asks when Andrew doesn’t elaborate for several minutes.
“It would keep you from getting into too much trouble,” Andrew says. “We all know how big your mouth is, after all.”