Work Text:
The Thing
“Tim.” Bruce’s voice cut through the general din of the noisy den and Tim looked up and found Bruce standing at the door, staring at him. He pulled the headphones out of his ears and automatically saved the spreadsheet he was working on.
“Hey, B. I wasn’t working. I was just checking something.” Tim said, wide eyed in his innocence.
“Drake is lying, Father.” Damian said, imperiously, “I noted that he was working hard for the past hour.”
In his quest to sell Tim out, Damian didn’t notice Jason casually cheating at their chess game. Jason looked up, glanced around, and shot Tim a wink when he saw him looking.
Well. Tim certainly wasn’t going to say anything.
“Timmy!” Dick immediately protested, looking up from where he was very carefully helping Cass paint her toenails blood red, “You told me you were watching a movie!”
“It was similarly entertaining?” Tim tried weakly.
“Nerd!” Stephanie called, from her position flopped on her back on the couch above the nail painting duo. Dick’s nails were a bright blue, complimenting his skin very well.
“Hold still.” Cass said sternly to him, bending over his left hand.
“Tim, can you please join me in the foyer?” Bruce asked, over the sounds of Damian squawking at Jason.
“Yer jus’ accusin’ me of cheatin’ because yer losin’.” Jason laughed, over Damian’s protests.
“Yeah, B. I’m coming.” Tim said, amused grin firmly affixed to his face. He set the laptop to the side and jumped off the couch.
As he walked by, Dick grabbed his ankle and almost made him face-plant.
“Dick!”
“Wait! Where are you taking Timmy? His turn is next.” Dick said to Bruce, holding Tim’s ankle until he got his balance back.
“Is.” Cass agreed, holding up a red bottle, a few shades lighter than her own.
“I just need Tim for five minutes,” Bruce sighed, reaching and pulling Tim free and sweeping him out the door. “I need to give him his gift, then you may all have him back.”
“Oh, okay cool.”
Bruce and Tim walked down the hall, Tim looked at Bruce quizzically, but the man held up a finger. They barely got to the end when;
“Wait...what?”
There was a mad scrambling behind them, and then the sound of thundering footsteps. Alfred would be most displeased.
“What present!”
“You have already gifted Drake his yuletide offertory!”
“How come baby-bird gets more presents!”
“I wanna see!”
“They’re right you know.” Tim said, looking up at Bruce, “You already gave me my gift, I really liked it by the way, thanks.”
Bruce had gotten Tim a watch that Tim had offhandedly mentioned liking the design of a few months back. That, and in his usual over the top way, the majority of the shares to the company. Meaning Tim now owned a watch company, which he had no idea what to do with.
“I’m glad. But this is something I should have gotten you years ago.” Bruce said. Curiosity peaked Tim and he wondered what Bruce could possibly mean.
Fortunately, his curiosity didn’t have to wait very long before being assuaged and when they swept into the foyer, followed by a league of noisy siblings, it became immediately apparent what Bruce had gotten Tim.
Tim froze.
“Do you like it? I actually found him wandering the streets. I thought you could give him a good home.” Bruce said, a hint of proudness in his voice.
Tim promptly burst into tears.
“Oh my god. Oh my god.” Dick said, horrified, leaping forward and physically picking Tim up to move him further away. “What is that thing?!”
Bruce frowned.
“Jesus Christ. That’s...well, that’s some kinda ugly. Are ya playin’ a joke, Old Man?” Jason asked, muscling his way forward to take a look and then immediately taking a step back.
Tim’s sobs got louder, and he soaked the neck of Dick’s shirt where he had his head buried. Dick soothingly bounced the teen who was too old to be held in the manner he was, with no apparent difficulty.
“Its okay, Timmy. It’s okay.” Dick said, stroking the back of Tim’s head. “We’ll get rid of it.”
“What! What is it?” Damian demanded, from behind his taller siblings.
“Hush, child.” Stephanie said, putting a hand on his head. “Don’t look, you’ll have nightmares.”
“You are all being ridiculous.” Bruce said, frowning heavily, “I can remove the-...”
“NO!” Tim’s shout startled them all, and still crying heavily, Tim wiggled out of Dick’s grasp. “No, you can’t!” He said, words garbled. “You can’t. He’s mine. I love him so much, B.”
He evaded Dick’s grabbing hands, and his dire warning;
“Wait, Tim! Don’t get near it!”
And ran towards the box, falling to his knees beside it. He reached in carefully with a trembling hands.
“Meow.”
Tim buried his face into the cat’s body and sobbed louder.
“I love him. I love him so much.” He bawled.
Bruce was starting to look alarmed.
“Is that a cat?! Father, why have you given Drake a cat!” Damian demanded, finally pushing his way to the front, face red from exertion.
“Well. It might be a cat. Or it might be a demonic alien. Look at its face. It’s trying to decide who to eat first.” Jason said, amused at the series of events taking place.
“He’s so handsome.” Tim sobbed. “Don’t be mean to him.”
Dick’s face was starting to share the same alarmed characteristics as Bruce.
“It is a cat right, Bruce? You checked, right Bruce?” He asked, anxiously.
“Uh. Well. Actually, so Tim, kiddo. I just found him on the streets about an hour ago. Maybe let's hold off on rubbing your face all over him and-...well it's too late now.” Bruce said, with a sigh.
“This is the best thing you’ve ever gotten for me.” Tim declared, with a loud sniffle. To their relief, his violent tears appeared to be slowing down.
“You found that thing an hour ago and you just gave it to Tim? ” Dick hissed.
“It’s definitely a cat, Dick.” Bruce said defensively. “Well...I mean what else can it be?”
They all looked over at its overly large eyes, protruding fanged teeth, and disgruntled expression.
“It's got creepy people eyes, B.” Jason said, matter of factly. “It might be a perv someone cursed ta’ be a cat. Ya know thas’ not tha far-fetched in our line a’ work.”
Well. That was that.
Tim burst into tears for the second time that evening as Bruce pried the angry... thing , from his arms.
“You gave him to me! You can’t take him back!” Tim shouted, trying his best to get out of Dick’s grasp. Dick held onto him like a pro that was used to holding on to unruly younger brothers.
“We’re just taking him to the cave, Timmy.” Dick said soothingly. “Just going to run some tests and then you can have him back.”
Jason watched, amused, as Dick mouthed Fuck No , behind Tim’s back.
“I really need to visit more often.” A delighted Stephanie said to Cassandra.
Cassandra nodded, then held up the bottle of nail polish. She glanced down at her unfinished toes.
“Of course! Come on, I can do a better job than Dick anyway.”
“That’s not true!” Dick shouted after them, still trying to corral a very upset Tim.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“Okay, Tim.” Dick said, vein throbbing in his temple and voice forcibly patient. “We are in the cave. But we can only watch, okay? Bruce needs to run some tests and possibly give the...cat...a bath. Then you can have him.”
“I have a cat.” Tim warbled, looking up at him heartbreakingly.
Dick reminded himself to punch Bruce later tonight, and then possibly go and shout at Janet and Jack Drake’s graves later.
“Yes, and if not this one, then you will have a cat.” He tried gently. Even if Dick had go out and buy one his goddamn self. Buy one. From a store. Or adopt one. Like a normal person.
Bruce.
“No! That’s my cat.” Tim said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand and then pointing. “He needs me.”
“There are other cats out there too, Timmy. They could need you too.” Dick said, reasonably.
“No, you don’t understand.” Tim said, looking at him intently with watery eyes.
Dick waited, and then raised his eyebrows when Tim didn’t expand, thinking that was apparently all the explanation Dick needed.
“Right. Well, I sure wish I did.”
He looked at the workstation of the cave that Bruce, with the help of a very unhelpful Jason, had turned into a hasty veterinarian station. One screen was testing the genus of the thing, while another was running blood work. The thing had clearly not been excited when Bruce had drawn blood, from the look of his scratched up forearms, and Dick was glad that he had managed to keep Tim upstairs for at least that long.
He was pretty sure that Tim would have helped the cat.
Right now, Bruce and Jason were attempting to give the thing a bath. Or rather, Bruce was attempting to give the cat a bath and Jason was laughing so hard he was physically leaning over the table, unable to stand up straight.
In Bruce’s hands was the thing, white fur soaked, and clinging to its thin body. It looked like a white feather duster with large green eyes and was giving them the most pitiful expression Dick had ever seen. He casually tightened his hold on Tim, who was muttering about the cat being cold.
Bruce was possibly more wet than the thing. He stared back at it, Batman’s glare in his eyes, and then twitched as it meowed at him.
He was clearly regretting all his life choices that had led him to this point.
As Bruce wrestled the thing into a towel, a screen to the side finally beeped and all of them instantly turned towards it.
Dick prepared himself to haul Tim out of the cave, kicking and screaming.
“Annnnnnnd theeeeeeeeeeeeee reeeeeessuuuuuullllttttttssssss arrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeee innnnnnnnnnnn!” Jason announced, drawing his words out just so he could see Bruce physically reciting his number one rule to himself silently.
“Jason.” Dick snapped. “I’ve got a really excited kid here if you don’t mind.”
Excited was one word. Maniacally focused was another.
“Right-O!” Jason said gleefully. “So, ladies and Bruces! What we appear to have on our hands is a regular old fashioned….Chinchilla Persian! Congratulations! It’s a cat!”
“It’s a cat?” Dick asked, aghast.
“I told you!” Tim said, leaping forwards in his arms. Dick numbly let him go. He wondered if Alfred still had the nog part of the eggnog.
“Great.” Bruce said, clearly relieved. He quickly stepped out of the way and let a very happy Tim jump into his place. Tim reached forward and the cat immediately stopped hissing and let the small teen scoop him up into his arms.
Tim immediately rubbed his face on the cat’s head.
“Wait! Tim, we haven’t received the results of the-...”
The second screen beeped.
“Cleared!” Jason crowed. “Of all charges. No nasty infections to be found here! What you have there, Timbo is a purebred kitty, named after none other, than the esteemed South African Rodent!”
Tim hiccuped a laugh.
“May you two live happily ever after.” Jason said serenely.
“Thanks, Jay.” Tim said, snuggling the ball of white soaked fur. Apparently, it didn’t bother him. “And thanks B. I love you so so much.”
Tim carefully put down the cat, because apparently it was a cat, and stepped to quickly give Bruce a quivering hug. He looked up with such unguarded joy and happiness that all Bruce’s words died in his throat.
“Right. Well. Off you go.” He said roughly, clearing his throat.
Tim nodded happily, and scooped up the cat and with a few bounds was out of the cave. Bruce watched him go with a constipated look on his face.
“Why are it’s teeth like that?” Dick asked, still not convinced that they hadn’t just let Tim walk out of the cave with a shape-shifting alien that had shifted into what it thought earth’s felines looked like.
“Probably just a result of breeding.” Bruce said, eyebrows furrowed.
“And the eyes too?”
“Most likely.”
“Hey Jay...how much do these...chinchilla things go for?” Dick asked, cottoning on to why Bruce was looking like he had just swallowed a lemon. Jason typed a query on his phone.
“‘Bout five ta seven hundos, its sayin’.” Jason said.
Dick sighed and looked at Bruce.
“Don’t say it.” Bruce said, dropping his face into his hands.
“B. There might be some kid out there, desperately searching for Mr. Frankenstein.”
“I thought it was a stray .” Bruce moaned. “It looked like a stray.”
Jason’s eyes narrowed.
“Hmm.. .about that. ”
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Which was how a few weeks later, the Batman, with the combined forces of the Red Hood and Nightwing, bust open an illegal cat breeding ring operating underground. They freed dozens of odd looking, malnourished cats, all who seemed to flock to Bruce immediately after being released.
“Aren’t ya happy ya don’ hav’ ta explain ta Timmy why Mr. Handsome’s gotta go bye bye now?” Jason asked gleefully.
“Ecstatic.” Bruce said flatly, watching a kitten gnaw happily away at his gauntlet.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“Hey.” Bruce said, stopping at the open door of Tim’s bedroom on his way to his own.
“Hey, B.” Tim said, sitting up and smiling at him. Mr. Handsome jumped onto his lap and fixed Bruce with his thousand yard stare, as if he remembered that Bruce was the one to draw blood from him all those weeks ago.
Tim had fed and nursed the incredibly ugly cat back to full health, and Mr. Handsome’s fur glowed an almost ethereal white, and he was proudly at the top of his weight class, eating properly, and meowing loudly in the middle of the night right outside Bruce’s door for no apparent reason.
Bruce had asked around. Mr. Handsome apparently didn’t wake anyone else up at 3AM.
“Settling in for the night?” Bruce asked.
“Just about. I was debating watching something but I think I’m just going to go to sleep.” Tim said, one hand petting his cat.
“That’s probably a good idea. Well, night kiddo.” And then, before Tim could say anything, “You know...I never forgot.”
“I know.” Tim said gently, instantly knowing what he was talking about.
“It’s just..the time wasn’t right and...no. I’m not making excuses. I’m sorry.”
“B.” Tim said firmly. “Its fine . I know.”
“You know.” Bruce said, slowly.
“I do. Night B. Love you.”
Bruce shook his head, wondering what he could have possibly done to deserve the world's most amazing children.
“Love you, kiddo.”
Mr. Handsome meowed.