Chapter Text
She was dreaming.
Probably.
Hopefully.
The air was different. Not quite right. Like a bad taste at the back of her throat. A burning coppery taste. It was wrong. Something was wrong. She could feel the pressure around her shift and change, the sun spun around her in quick cycles and she could sense the tilt of the ground beneath her. She could feel the earth turning beneath her feet. Almost as soon as she formed the thought she was pulled back. The ground solidified and began to slip beneath her as she sank into sand. The sound of waves droned out the white noise that had rung in her ears.The cold wind clung to her bare hands. A shiver passed through her chest and pressed deep into her heart.
She was back. Again. Why was it always this beach? Why did it keep pulling her back?
And she could still feel his hand in hers. The firm press of his colder fingers clenched around her all too human ones. The pulse of a single heartbeat in his new chest. New, new, new me. They had forever. But that forever turned out to be too short and she felt the waves sweep him out of her grasp.
New him. Her consolation prize; her doctor but not-doctor. Her forever, but not his. Not either of his forever's. She could feel the tears begin to rise as she stared across the blank sands. She still had loved the human him. Loved the memories he still had, that he openly had shared about his adventures. She loved the new phrases he would sputter when she surprised him, the exclamations of happiness and joy that freely passed from his lips without that remnant of darkness the alien had always carried. She guessed she had Donna to thank for that. But she missed the old him, hated knowing that he was still out in their universe. No not their's anymore. His. His universe. He was still in his universe, probably alone. She had seen the lie, had seen him make her choice for her. She knew she didn't choose the human him. But when he refused to tell her. She had thought, for a second, he didn't want her and had let the human him whisper the sweet words she had always wanted to hear him say.
Rose almost cursed herself. No, she still loved the human him, he had stayed. Even when they figured out they couldn't travel with a TARDIS here. Even when they noticed he was dying. He didn't run like a certain Time Lord. Didn't force decisions on her. Didn't lie...
She threw her head back. She was getting nowhere with this dream. Her thoughts were just circulating between anger and loneliness. Two things Mum had warned her to never mix. She almost laughed, she could her her mum's voice, "You don't want to go mixing those, luv. it just leads to hating whoever you lost, and I can't imagine ever hatin' you're dad." Jackie Tyler may not have ever seemed all too smart, but she was the cleverest person Rose had ever known, Doctor or no. And she was right, she couldn't hate either of her Doctor's. She loved them, both of them. But she loved them differently and she hated herself for that. Especially because towards the end, when only a year or so had passed and the human Doctor's mind was seconds from imploding, she could only think of the full Time Lord and if that was what he felt when he regenerated in front of her. If Donna had done the same and they both were left alone.
She could almost laugh at her stupidity. She had no more chances. She wasted her first Doctor, letting him skirt around her in a dance she could barely understand. Her second she lost first to the universe, even after she thought she had finally caught up to his new dance, and then she lost him to himself. His clone. And if losing both versions of the Time Lord wasn't enough she lost the human to time...and in a way herself. Once again too afraid to take a chance. To love him as she always had. But she hadn't, and she lost. She was afraid, because the last time she did something to prove she was his forever she woke up to her Doctor on fire.
...the TARDIS looked into me.
Rose jumped back from the water and turned. No one stood behind her, but she could've sworn...
I am the Bad Wolf I create myself...
Bad Wolf? That was her voice, but it echoed in her head. Almost like the TARDIS' hum. But it was off. That familiar coppery taste hit the back of her throat. And a tear slid down her face. She brushed it away, looking at the single wet speck on her finger curiously. Sure, she had been sad but her anger had quickly stopped the tears. Besides, she wasn't even sure you could cry in a dream, even one as vivid as this.
I want you safe. My Doctor.
Doctor...Her Doctor. When did she say this? Call him hers out loud?
Then suddenly and all at once Rose's head filled with a song. A beautiful melody that drifted across her body and curled at her feet. And as it stretched before her she felt that same pressure from before. The air shifted, and she saw her Doctor. Her first Doctor staring at her with sad blue eyes.
Why was he sad? She was here, she was here with him, protecting him and she saw everything. She saw the beach, the clone, herself looking through time back to this forgotten moment. She saw what she would have to do. And it hurt. She could feel herself burning as she pushed her mind through her own timeline as she stretched across locked time and bent it to her will.
But why do they hurt?
The power's going to kill you. No he didn't understand. The power was going to save her. Why couldn't he just see what she saw. Why were his eyes still so sad. Why did it burn?
It's killing me. It was, she was supposed to be on a beach, without him. No that didn't sound right. He was hers and she his. They were supposed to be together.
I think you need a doctor. She felt him palm her cheeks. She felt the cool press of his hands, still perfect in every form. She felt her tears slip down and burn across her skin. She felt his lips finally press to hers, and then, for a long time, she felt nothing but fire.