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To be really honest, you hang around Brian because he doesn’t say it wasn’t your fault, because he doesn’t use words like “victim.” To be really honest, you hang around Brian because he doesn’t say much of anything at all, just follows you around like a lost puppy dog, just takes his cues from you. This would never happen in the city, this would never happen if you two didn’t share some kind of cosmic joke with each other, some kind of fucked up secret. You and Brian and your stupid little fucked up lives, the worst part is, you would never even know each other if Coach hadn’t of brought you together.
To be really honest, the worst thing about all of this, is that you two never would have even ended up here, ended up like this, if Coach hadn’t of done what he did.
You and your stupid little boy crush, that’s one thing to be thankful of. You and your stupid shortcomings, there’s one thing to truly appreciate about all the shit that’s gone down, everything that’s happened to you so far. Coach and his love for you, you can’t say that you understand it all, you can’t say you know for sure if it was right or wrong, if what Coach did was okay or not, but you do know that you’ll never regret it.
After Christmas, after that night at Coach’s house, you stop answering Eric’s calls and start showing Brian everything that’s wrong with your life, everything you’ve done to fuck yourself over. To be really honest, he’s nothing more than a shadow, nothing more than a fly on the wall, someone who watches over your every move with no judgment, no accusations. To be really honest, you and Brian, this could be the start of everything you’ve ever needed.
New Years Eve finds you sitting in White Camaro’s passenger seat with Brian in the back eyeing you and your mouth, watching you blow this guy with the same look on his face that you remember as a child, like the lights have been turned off. This voyeur shit, this foreplay, White Camaro just laps it up, pays extra just to have Brian watching with his innocent face, his blank look. You and your bruises, these occupational hazards, you’re only doing this to show Brian what not to do with his life, what not to become. You and your mouth and the way White Camaro pulls your hair, digs his fingernails into your scalp, you’ve missed this, but this is more for Brian than you, honest.
You and Brian and White Camaro, this is just to show him what he shouldn’t do, what he shouldn’t need to do. You and Brian and your stupid little secret, this is just to show him how it could have turned out, how much worse everything could have been if he had remembered, if he hadn’t have latched on to the alien abduction idea. Really, to be truly honest, no matter how much you enjoy this, this is all for Brian.
On the way back to your house, Brian says nothing, does nothing, just follows you into your room, lays beside you on the bed. Really, seriously, Brian and his stupid comatose act, if you didn’t know any better, you would say he’s the fucked up one here, not you. You and Brian, your hands creeping up the sides of his chest, your fingers sliding underneath his tee shirt, he’s as warm and pliant as you remember and maybe, hey, maybe this is such a bad idea. You and Brian and his vacant look, maybe, hey, maybe whatever you want to happen is not gonna work out as planned. Maybe nothing ever will. Brian and his eyes boring into yours, maybe this is nothing short of what Coach did to you all those years ago, all those lifetimes ago.
To be really honest, seriously, truthfully, maybe this is exactly how Coach wanted you to turn out.
To be really honest, you hang around Brian because he doesn’t ask you questions you can’t answer. He doesn’t ask you the whys and hows of your sexual abuse, doesn’t demand to know answers you’d only be able to guess at. To be really, truly honest, you hang around Brian because he doesn’t expect you to be what you’re not, what you could never be. He doesn’t expect you to play nice with others, to stop sucking dick for money and get a real job, to sit around whining about what happened, to be able to love like a healthy adult. To be really honest, you hang around Brian because he’s the coolest person you know.
Your hands and his chest, maybe this is so bad, but it feels just as good as Coach’s body ever did, feels just as good as all those john’s, maybe even better. You want to tell yourself to stop, but you’re coming off the most ridiculous high and Brian is here, and Brian is in love with you. It’s not like you mind it, really, the bit where he was almost stalking you, where he fell so hard he must have gotten bruised on the way down, to be honest, you’re kind of flattered. Wendy and Eric and Brian, it kind of all comes with the territory, your elusive personality, the way you don’t give a shit, the way Coach has broken you, really, you don’t mind. Brian and his stupid little boy crush, you’d rather it be on you than on Coach, you’d rather he go down a completely different road than the one you traveled, than the one you’re still stuck on. To be really honest, you’d rather have them all be in love with you so they can get used to the idea of being hurt before they start playing the big leagues.
You and your hands and Brian’s skin, you know he wants this, but his face is telling a completely different story. You and Brian and the way his lips rest against yours without force, without any kind of strength, you know this is everything he’s asked you for, but you’re not sure he knows the difference between this and what Coach did. You’re not sure he knows how to do anything but lie there and just take it.
You and your hands and your lips on Brian, what’s really funny is how different you two are, how different this has made you, this has scarred you. Brian and his stupid alien shit, what’s funny is how dumb all this is, how utterly pathetic. What’s funny is how fucking dismal all this is, how bleak all this looks. Brian believed in his abduction story and in a way, you kind of want to give him that back, in a way, you don’t want to take that part of him away just because the real truth is so much worse, so awful. In a way, you kind of want to give him back the life he had before, the mystery, the search for the truth, in a way you just want to give him that spark back, that spark in his eyes that died on Christmas morning.
You and Brian and your hands, your lips, this is everything he’s waited for, but you’re not sure you should be giving it to him, you not even sure that he really wants it. You and Brian and your terrible little secret, your stupid little cosmic joke, this is really all about Coach and his mark on you. This is really all about what he’s done to you, how he’s scarred you, this is really all about him hurting you both and just leaving like nothing ever happened, like the two of you would ever be the same again. Like the two of you would ever feel that way again, feel the way you did with Coach. You and Brian, this is really all about Coach and every life he’s touched, every boy he’s broken, this trail of victims in his wake, all these boys, this is really all about him.
Brian and the blood that starts from his nose, the blood that pools around your fingers, that smears across your lips, he bleeds every time you touch him, and, hey, maybe this is some kind of sign. His blood and your lips, all you taste is copper, and Brian looks like he’s not even here with you anymore, like he’s gone into one of his black outs and won’t be returning for a while. You and Brian and his warm skin, hey, maybe this is so wrong, but this is everything you need, everything he needs. You and Brian and all this stupid shit, this whole fucking ironic twist, Coach with you, and you here with Brian, this is the never ending cycle you’ll never be able to get away from, this is everything Coach has taught you to be, every way Coach has taught you to love. You and Brian and the way you just know his body, the way everything is so familiar, if not a little bigger, if not a little longer, this is so fucked up, but you’ve never claimed to be normal. Brian and the blood from his nose, his eyes are glassy and faraway and you just can’t stop touching him, you just can’t stop.
All this power, this must have been what Coach felt.
You and Brian and the way he loves you, the way you loved Coach, hey, maybe this is so fucking wrong, but you’ve never claimed to do anything right. To be really honest, you hang around Brian because he tastes exactly like Coach used to.