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It starts with a simple phone call.
Well, it’s supposed to be simple. Hyunjin calls because he is exhausted but his mind is racing, rendering him unable to sleep. The inevitable stress of the comeback is getting to him and it affects his thoughts overall. He can’t stop thinking about how much he misses his family, about how he doesn’t know how much longer he can go. He knows he has to be strong and overcome these thoughts but sometimes… sometimes it’s really difficult. He doesn’t have anything to distract him from the thoughts racing through his head. Everyone is asleep and he doesn’t want to wake them up so he tiptoes out of the room and into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. All he knows is that he really, really needs a friend right now, so he calls the only person he knows will be up at this hour.
“Hyunjinnie?” Chan answers on the first ring. “It’s 3 in the morning, why aren’t you sleeping?”
His voice is tired but sweet. Hyunjin feels calmer already.
“I could ask you the same thing hyung,” he answers. He can hear Chan click his tongue on the other end.
“I have to work… and I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.”
Hyunjin closes the toilet lid and sits down. “Can we talk? I don’t want to bother you…”
“It’s okay, I’m not getting anywhere with this song anyways.” There is some rustling around, and then the sound of Chan plopping down on the sofa with a sigh. “So… what’s going on? Aren’t you tired?”
Hyunjin sighs. “I am so tired, hyung.” A chuckle on the other end. “But I can’t sleep. I’m just so worried about… the comeback and my family, and you guys too. I…” he rakes a hand through his hair. “I can’t turn it off. How do I turn it off?”
“Your thoughts? Man, if only I knew.” Hyunjin is sure Chan is way more tired and anxious than he is – so how come he can hide it so well?
After a bit of silence and staring at his own feet, he starts again. “I can’t get these thoughts out of my head… what if something happens to my mom and I’m not there? What if the comeback flops? I… what if I chose the wrong career and I can’t leave now… you know?”
“Hyunjin--”
“Not that I regret it!” he cuts Chan off quickly. “But what if at some point it really becomes too much? I feel like I would feel so trapped… like I could never escape. You know I would never leave you all, never, Chan hyung. But what if I will hate it in the future? Ahh this sounds strange…”
“No, no, I get it. I understand.”
“You do?”
A deeper sigh this time. “Yeah. I do. Imagine you weren’t an idol and had a normal job – if you truly were fed up with it you could just switch jobs, you know? But for us… it’s very different. We can’t just up and leave because we have members and fans to think of. It’s not just one person’s career on the line, it’s the whole group.”
Hyunjin knows Chan is telling him this to make sure he understands. He does understand. But it feels scary.
“Hyung… don’t you feel overwhelmed by all the responsibility?”
The silence following his question is heavy, like Chan doesn’t know what to say.
“Sometimes. But then… I always look at you all, and what we have achieved so far and I know it’s worth it.”
“Do you think it’s really worth it?” Hyunjin wipes the tears away from the corners of his eyes. He has no idea when they got there.
“Every second of it. I’m serious.”
A sniffle escapes him. “I believe you Chan hyung. I will make sure to remind myself of this often.”
“Hyunjinnie, are you crying?”
“…No,” he keeps wiping the tears away but his voice cracks. “I’m just tired, is all.”
“Mmm. Do you want to hang up?” Chan asks. His voice is really soft. Calming.
Hyunjin thinks about it. “Could we stay on for a bit longer?”
“Of course.”
He does feel calmer now but at the same time, he feels like he has way more to think about now than he did before. Talking to his leader does help though. He doesn’t feel as alone anymore.
“What’s the hardest part?”
Chan hums. Hyunjin can almost see him in his mind, sitting on the couch, probably having an energy drink even though he knows he shouldn’t. He thinks about Chan’s bare face, when he’s in sweats and his hair stubbornly curls up by the end of the day. He always looks tired but to Hyunjin he looks the most handsome when he is like this.
“Missing my family is probably the most difficult,” comes the answer. “But also the fear of failing you all. And dating is off limits, too.”
“Dating?”
“Ahh, I know. It shouldn’t matter at all.” Chan laughs. “But, you know, I’m 22 now and I’ve never… had a relationship or dated. For the most part it’s easy to not even think about it, but sometimes it gets to me. Mostly on nights like this. And even if I did like a girl…” he trails off here, murmuring the end of the sentence.
“Sorry? I didn’t catch the last part. I must be getting really tired.”
“I said…” Silence. Hyunjin lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in. “I said even if I did like a girl, or a boy, I couldn’t pursue it. It’s too risky.”
Suddenly, Hyunjin’s heart feels heavy.
“A boy?”
More silence. He can hear Chan shifting around some but other than that – absolute silence.
“Well. Yeah,” is all the older says for a while. Then, “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you this. I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”
“N-no, you didn’t,” Hyunjin replies, trying to feign a calm demeanor. On the inside, he is anything but. “You know me hyung, do you think I would ever judge you because you like guys?”
The older chuckles. It makes Hyunjin smile too. “I was hoping you wouldn’t, but you can never know. Aish, what is it about 3AM conversations that make me so honest? This has been one of my biggest secrets and I just spilled it like it was nothing!”
“Maybe it’s the phone. You’re bolder because we’re not talking in person.”
“Yeah, it must be.”
“Chan hyung, can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer.”
A couple seconds pass by before he hears a sure from the other end.
“Have you ever… done anything? Like, with a guy?”
Hyunjin immediately regrets asking that. Why would he do that? That’s such an evasive question. Maybe he should’ve just hung up and gone to bed.
“Um… yeah, a couple times, back in my trainee days. I think it was just before I met you.”
He seems calm, which in turn calms Hyunjin down again. Maybe he shouldn’t pry, but now he feels way more awake than he thought was possible at this time, and the phone does do wonders for how bold someone is.
“Like, kissing?”
“Why are you asking me this?” Chan asks, but his voice is not defensive. It’s more like he’s teasing Hyunjin for being curious. The younger stammers, and when Chan realizes he doesn’t know how to answer he continues. “But yeah, um, kissing mostly. Sometimes a bit more. Think, like, heavy making out and handjobs.”
Hyunjin’s mouth goes dry. On one hand, he is sort of jealous of whoever it was, for having seen Chan… like that. On the other hand, he is hit with a mental image of his leader receiving a handjob from some faceless, nameless guy – what would Chan look like? What would Chan sound like? Would he be gentle or rough? Would he…
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Chan says and only then does Hyunjin realize he’s been silent for who knows how long.
“You didn’t, I swear,” he gulps. The images are still racing in his mind, except now the faceless, nameless guy is Hyunjin – he’s the one touching Chan, being touched by him, kissed by him. He’s pretty sure his dick has never gotten hard this fast. He kind of wants to cry again. “I’m not- shit- Chan hyung, I’m gonna have to hang up.”
“Wait, talk to me. Please. Just tell me this isn’t going to make things weird between us. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that,” Chan rushes through the sentences before he can hang up.
Hyunjin shifts on the toilet seat, but all that does is make his dick rub against his briefs and oh God. This is so wrong. “No, no, really. I was the one who asked and really hyung, please don’t worry about it.”
“You’re being strange though… ahh, why did I do that…”
Chan’s voice is so, so nice. It’s really not helping Hyunjin right now.
He tries to not make it weird and just sit it out but he needs to move his dick first. The pressure is too much with the way it is now and Hyunjin honestly just wants his boner to go away.
The second his fingers touch it he gasps. He’s trying really hard to pretend it didn’t happen, but he knows Chan probably heard it too. If he has any mercy on Hyunjin, he will ignore it as well and they can forget about it.
“Hyunjin… are you…?” A pause. Then, again, “Are you…?”
He doesn’t say it but the implication is there. Mortified is the only word that describes how Hyunjin feels at that moment. He is sure his face is extremely red at this point - he wishes the floor would open up and swallow him whole.
“Nooo. No. I’m just.” He contemplates just hanging up then and there but he knows that he doesn’t know anyone more understanding than Chan. If he just explains it to him, he will surely not make fun of Hyunjin. “This is so embarrassing.”
“What’s happening?” Chan’s confused voice rings in his ear.
“I um… When you said you made out with a guy and um… about handjobs… Ahh, I can’t say it.”
He doesn’t have to though, because Chan understands, because he knows Hyunjin better than probably anyone else in the entire world. He hears an ahh, like Chan just put the pieces together.
“Hyunjinnie, did you like it when I said those things?” His voice is so calm, how can he be so calm right now? “Did your body, um, react in a way you weren’t expecting?”
Gosh, Hyunjin thinks. He sounds like my dad giving me a sex talk. Please, please God, if you exist, take me now.
“I just, I was honestly just asking. I didn’t think I would, you know… get hard. I just think,” He lowers his voice, even though he knows no one can hear what he’s saying, “I’ve been thinking about how I might be attracted to guys and you saying that just… kind of affected me way more than I thought it would. I’m so sorry Chan hyung I didn’t mean to make this weird.”
He thinks he hears Chan breathe through his nose but he could be mistaken.
“Well. That’s certainly a lot of confessions we are making today,” he chuckles. At first, Hyunjin is grateful to him for trying to lighten the mood.
Then it all goes south.
“You can touch yourself if you want to.” The way Chan’s voice drops from joking to low and suggestive makes Hyunjin’s brain short-circuit. “I don’t mind.”
If he had any chance of going soft before, it’s all out the window now. He chokes out something resembling a “what?” but it ends up being more of a gasp as he feels his dick twitch inside of his briefs.
“I’m serious. Where are you right now?” Chan asks. His voice is like honey to Hyunjin’s ears.
“Um… B-bathroom…”
“Is the door locked?”
It is almost automatic, how his hand flies to the lock and turns it until it clicks into place.
“It is now.”
Chan seems to be shifting around, and God, Hyunjin really wants to know what he looks like right now.
“Mm, good. Do you want me to guide you, Hyunjinnie? Or tell me to stop if this is too much for you.”
He honestly contemplates that because he’s just so embarrassed, but he’s also a 20-year-old virgin with a crush on his leader who is initiating literal phone sex right now. This is a lost battle.
“You… you can guide me… if you want to, Chan hyung.”
“Yeah. I do,” he assures. “What are you wearing?”
Oh, God. “Sweatpants and a shirt,” Hyunjin answers. “A-and briefs.”
“I want you to take off your shirt and pants but leave the briefs on, okay?” Hyunjin hums because honestly, Chan could ask him to murder someone at this point and it would be okay. He undresses and sits back down with his underwear on, hand instinctively going for the bulge in them.
As if sensing that, Chan says, “Don’t touch yourself yet.” It makes Hyunjin want to cry but he takes his hand away before he can grab himself. “I want you to touch your upper body first. Your neck… just caress it - your stomach. You have such a nice stomach, Hyunjinnie. Sometimes I wish I could kiss it.”
Chan sounds weirdly vulnerable confessing to that, a huge contrast to his commanding, low voice from before but not unwelcome.
“Are you doing it?” Hyunjin can only sigh a quiet yes. “Touch your nipples too – it feels so good I promise.”
He does, and it does, and now he’s worried about someone actually hearing him so he tries to muffle his sighs by pressing his face into his forearm. His other hand plays with his left nipple first, then the right one – Hyunjin never knew they were so sensitive.
“A-ah… Chan hyung… it feels weird but really good…”
He can hear the older shifting again.
“Good, you’re doing really well.” That. That sentence makes Hyunjin’s stomach feel like it’s full of butterflies and his cock twitches again. There is a wet spot forming on his underwear and he hasn’t even touched himself yet. “Okay, I want you to take off the briefs now and touch yourself. Slowly, okay?”
“O-okay,” he gasps and basically tears the underwear off of himself. “Hyung it’s so… ahh, it’s really difficult to go slow right now,” he whines.
“Mm, just slow down. Come on Hyunjinnie, slow strokes.”
Hearing Chan say all these lewd things with such ease makes Hyunjin absolutely lose his mind. He doesn’t even have time to stop and think about how surreal this is because everything is too hot, too much, and all his mind can focus on is Chan, Chan, Chan.
“Ahh hyung… I’m trying...” he whispers, definitely needier than he would like to admit. “I wish you were here.”
Chan’s sharp intake of breath and the sound of a zipper is unmistakable. “Fuck,” his voice is so low, almost a growl. It makes Hyunjin’s eyes roll back. “I wish I was there too, baby. Next time I’ll take care of you myself, okay?”
“Yes, Channie hyung please,” he gasps out. His hand is still working his dick way too slowly and it’s absolute torture, but Chan didn’t say he could go faster yet. Weirdly, even though the other cannot see him, Hyunjin really wants to obey him, to make him proud.
“Tell me what you’re doing,” Chan commands.
He gulps, trying to take in air as quietly as possible. “I-I’m touching myself, and… I’m going slow… It feels really good,” he whines. When did his voice get so high? “I’m getting close though, I’m… I’m sorry-”
“It’s okay baby, me too. Speed up a little for me, okay?” He does, and he can already feel his orgasm building. Chan made him go crazy with just a few words, and he would probably feel embarrassed about it if this wasn’t the hottest thing that has ever happened to him. “God, Hyunjinnie, your sounds… fuck, I’m getting close from just listening to you.”
Hyunjin cannot remember a time when he was this hard. He has been leaking so much precum that he doesn’t even need to use lotion.
“Hyung, hyung- please I want to come with you, please,” he rambles on, whole body on fire. His back is arched and his stomach keeps tightening and tightening, until nothing remains but the impending pleasure in him, ready to explode. Going slow is forgotten at this point, his hand fisting his dick just how he likes it, faster, twisting when he gets to the head. “I’m so close, I’m so- oh, God…”
“Fuck,” Chan moans, and it’s the first one Hyunjin has heard from him, and it’s something his mind will never be able to forget. He wants to hear that sound forever. “I’m close. Together, Hyunjinnie, are you ready?”
“Yes, yes,” Hyunjin mewls, still trying to stay quiet but unable to keep his noises in check. “I’m so, so-- oh--”
The sound of Chan’s heavy breathing is like heaven. It’s all too much – the fact that they are even doing this, the fact that Chan is just as affected by this as he is, the feeling of being on edge, all of it.
“Now, baby. Come for me,” Chan finally says. There is a second where both of their gasps stop and there is only silence as they chase their highs, before Chan comes with a low, drawn-out moan. That’s the thing that finally tips Hyunjin over the edge and he comes harder than he probably ever has in his life. He sobs as his orgasm tears through him, fucking into his hand and hearing his cum splatter somewhere, the rest of it spilling over his hand. It feels like it lasts for so much longer than he’s used to, and by the time he comes down he is oversensitive.
He really wishes Chan was here right now.
For a couple seconds, all they can hear is each other’s heavy breathing.
“Holy shit,” Chan breaks the silence. “Shit, that was hot. Hyunjinnie, are you okay? Are you… crying?”
Why the fuck is Hyunjin crying? This is the second time today and it’s not funny anymore.
“I’m sorry hyung,” he sobs. “That was just… so much, and I like you so much… You must know how much I like you. And it just hit me that maybe you don’t like me how I like you.”
“Baby, no. I like you just as much, if not more. I’m heading home now and when I get there we will talk about it okay?”
Hyunjing smiles through his sniffles. “Okay,” he sighs into the phone. “It was really good though. Thank you, hyung.”
“I’ll be right there, okay? Can you clean yourself up in the meantime? I’ll make you some ramen when I get home.”
Hyunjin starts wiping off the come on his stomach; as he turns, he realizes it got on the wall too. When he stands up and catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he can’t help but laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Chan teases through the phone.
“Um. I’ve got come in my hair. And on the wall,” he confesses and they both break out in giggles. “Also, who eats ramen at 3 in the morning?”
“Me. Believe me, when you work this much you could eat anything at any time. And it’s almost 4 now, by the way.”
Hyunjin holds the phone away from his ear to check and sure enough, an hour has gone by like it was nothing. He feels sleepier than before but there is no way he’s falling asleep before Chan is here.
They hang up. Hyunjin walks to the kitchen and makes the ramen before Chan gets home, mainly as a gesture but also because he realizes he’s starving. By the time he hears the door creak open, it is steaming and ready, smelling delicious.
He looks to Chan, who is toeing off his shoes and letting his backpack fall from his shoulder to the ground. He looks lovely, just how Hyunjin likes him the most. Comfortable. Soft. Safe. He is suddenly overwhelmed again by how much he likes Chan, but then the older strides through the room and pulls him into a hug.
Hyunjin’s hands come up to grab onto his leader’s sweater, and he turns his face to bury his nose in Chan’s hair. Hyunjin is taller than him now and he can’t help but notice how perfectly they fit against each other.
Chan starts pulling away but stops before they can let each other go, keeping Hyunjin in place.
“Can I kiss you?” he asks. The younger can do nothing besides nod, never tearing his gaze away from Chan’s.
It’s perfect. It’s just like how Chan is – warm, soft. Perfect. It doesn’t last long and their lips are a little dry, but Hyunjin wouldn’t trade it for the world.
It feels like coming home. Like all the lingering touches, all the teasing, all the looks, their shared experiences, their struggles, it has all led up to this kiss and they’ve finally clicked into place like two puzzle pieces. As he pulls away and looks into Chan’s eyes, he knows the other feels it too.
It’s the most tender moment Hyunjin has ever shared with anyone. It’s terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.
“I can’t believe I had phone sex before I had my first kiss,” he blurts out, making Chan snort and hide his face in Hyunjin’s neck.
“Come on,” the older pulls him to the table. “Let’s talk about this, okay?”
And if it were anyone else, he would probably feel scared or anxious talking about whatever this is, but it’s not anyone else. It’s Chan. It’s always been Chan. They dig into the steaming ramen and Hyunjin thinks he might just explode from all the feelings raging inside him, but for the first time in a long while, he can’t wait to face them instead of hiding them.
They will be okay.