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Fear.
An emotion or feeling that was usually brought on by the belief that someone or something was dangerous.
All humans supposedly felt this emotion, some more than others, and fear seemed to be an intricacy of different triggers.
Some people feared concepts; the dark, death, the unknown.
Some people feared physical, alive things; Spiders, sharks, lions, bears.
And some people, well some people feared other humans…
That was the category where Dazai fell.
Throughout his life he had never felt fear towards objects, animals or even the concept of death. When he was younger the absence of fear is what made him start to question if he was truly human after all.
He didn’t understand what fear was, why someone felt it, and what it felt like to experience it himself.
That was until he met Mori.
When he was 14 years old he finally decided that death was much better then continuing to live (If he could even call it that) and so he ran away from home, threw himself off a bridge and plummeted into the cold water below.
Unfortantely his attempt failed and he woke up, only to realize that he was in an unfamiliar place with a man with bright violet eyes, staring at him curiously.
That day was the day where Dazai sold his soul to the devil and plunged into darkness.
Mori had been there every step of the way, pulling him in deeper, twisting his mind until it was nothing but a cold, numb mess.
Mori was the one he feared most.
Dazai could still remember the ‘training’ he endured during his years with the Port Mafia. Being strapped onto cold metal tables, sliced open with scalpels, burned with iron rods, being thrown into dark and too small rooms where he couldn’t hear anything but his own thudding heart and racing thoughts, where he was left for days without food or water, until his mind started playing tricks on him.
Not to mention, the other things Mori did to him...
To Dazai, Mori was fear.
He was everything the brunet associated with the unpleasant emotion, he was the cause behind it and the puppeteer who controlled it all.
But…
Everything Mori had done to him was for his own good.
That was what Mori had constantly told him after each “session”
“Shush Dazai, you know I’m only doing this to protect you.”
“I have to train you to be as strong as you can, so that no one can hurt you.”
“I’m doing this because I care.”
All the affectionate words Mori would pour on him after all the pain and fear would make the brunet’s skin crawl and he’d desperately try not to let all of the nice things affect him.
It never worked of course.
Everytime Mori would say something kind or nice or praise him, it made him want to vomit but it also made him want to do his best to please Mori, to get more of that praise in the hopes that he’d stop hurting him.
“Such a pretty and good boy for me.”
“I know you can do this mission oh so easily.”
“Don’t disappoint me Dazai, I have great expectations for you.”
The praises, the pain and fear are what clouded the brunet’s mind as he cut into his own skin and attempted to drown himself in alcohol.
He hated the pain but he also found comfort in it. It was satisfying to hurt himself and know that his blood wasn’t spilt by Mori.
Everything about the boss of the Port Mafia made Dazai want to rip his eyes out and stuff cotton into his ears so that he never had to look at him or hear his falsely sweet voice again.
It was only when Oda had died that Dazai finally was able to get away from his mentor,
He escaped into the light, leaving everything he once knew behind.
“Be on the side that saves people… If both sides are the same, become a good man. Save the weak and protect the orphans…”
He had done what Oda wanted. It was the least he could do for his one and only friend who also became a victim of Mori’s schemes.
So here he was now, a member of the Armed Detective Agency. Currently dwelling on his past.
On normal days he would avoid thinking about anything related to who he was and what he went through at all costs.
When he let his mind wander like this it made it harder to keep his cheerful masks on and overall just ruined his mood.
But today was different…
“Dazai-san? They’re here.” Atsushi suddenly spoke, snapping Dazai out of his train of thought. It took everything in the taller man not to flinch and once he finally came back to his senses he gave his subordinate a soft smile and nodded, sitting up from his desk to move into the office designated for business meetings.
Today was different because Mori, the man he feared most, had asked to have a meeting with the Agency…
It had been several months since he had been forced to be in his former mentor's presence and to say that he had been dreading this day was an understatement…
He knew that the Alliance that was currently shared between the Agency and Mafia was beneficial but the brunet always had a bitter taste in his mouth whenever the mere mention of talking with Mori was brought up.
Of course none of the Agency knew just how much he despised the Boss of the Port Mafia. Just like how they didn’t know that his cheerful facade was fake, or that his bandages actually held a purpose, or that he had to withhold himself from flinching anytime one of them touched him.
He stopped that train of thought and instead went to focusing on making his posture as relaxed as possible. He had to look calm or else Mori would see his fear and tear him to shreds.
Well, he’d probably see how afraid he was either way, but Dazai was going to put up as many defensive walls as he could to fight against him.
He wasn’t 18 anymore…
He was 22 years old and he liked to think that he was a lot stronger then he used to be.
Not just physically though. Of course he had gained some weight since joining the Agency making him slightly stronger in fights but he’s mostly gotten stronger mentally.
He had embraced the light when no one, not even himself, thought it was possible or that he’d be able to survive.
Yet here he was, and as much as he wished he were dead he was proud of himself for making it to this point.
He wouldn’t let Mori walk all over him again.
With his new resolve he steadied his heartbeat and waited patiently for the man of his thoughts to come in.
Atsushi was seated next to him at the large table and Kunikida was across, writing something within his ideals.
There were voices in the other room and the brunet waited impatiently as he heard several pairs of footsteps making their way towards the door.
Kunikida had stopped writing in favour of putting down his ideals to listen and Atsushi shifted in his seat nervously.
Then, the sound of the door being opened filled the room and the brunet turned his head to be met with the sight of Fukuzawa gesturing Mori and Hirotsu inside.
It felt like the world around Dazai faded as his eyes met with Mori’s briefly.
There was a smile on his former boss's face that he knew too well. Mori wasn’t going to make this ordeal easy for him…
But, just as quickly as it had come, Mori’s gaze left Dazai’s and he walked past the brunet to sit at the opposite end of the desk, Hirotsu sitting beside.
Behind the pair, Yosano had been standing and she made her way into the room too as Fukuzawa softly closed the door, going to sit opposite of Mori.
Dazai cursed himself silently for choosing to be sat so close to the Boss of the Port Mafia but he kept his expression neutral and watched as Mori placed his chin on his hands. A pose that he used commonly when trying to mock someone.
“Why are you here Mori?” Fukuzawa asked bluntly, earning a slight chuckle from the older man.
“Blunt as ever Fukuzawa-dono.”
Fukuzawa glared at him briefly and Mori seemed to get the point because he continued speaking, “I’m here because of a recent… Issue. I’m sure you’ve heard of the new organization that has recently entered Yokohama,”
Dazai knew who he was referring to. It was true, a new organization that seemingly came out of nowhere was currently sending Yokohama into a state of panic. It was the reason why Kenji, Kyouka, Ranpo and Junichiro were missing from this meeting. Ranpo was out trying to solve a murder connected to the organization while the 3 others were currently gathering any sort of information they could that could help the Agency take them down.
This mysterious organization had begun murdering politicians and Government officials and apparently had even started messing with Port Mafia shipments.
That must be why Mori was here.
Though… Dazai was sure that his former boss could fix the security with the missing shipments quite easily…
Something didn’t feel right-
He disregarded his unease as the fact that he was in his former mentor’s presence and refocused his attention to hear Mori explain what he wanted.
“I’m also assuming you’ve heard that they’ve recently begun messing with our shipments.”
Fukuzawa nodded, a glint forming in his eyes, “I’m sure that you can easily fix that, being the boss of the most dangerous organization in Yokohama.”
Mori’s eye’s narrowed, “I could very easily if this organization were normal.”
That caught Dazai’s attention. Normal? Was this organization a bigger threat then they originally thought?
The brunet turned his head more towards Mori and waited intently for him to give all of the details.
Mori, and his need stupid need to dance around topics was driving him insane-
“A member of the organization is apparently gifted… They’ve been stealing our shipments by using some sort of gift and have killed quite a few lower ranked members in the process.”
Dazai’s blood ran cold,
An ability?
“Oh no, oh no, oh no-” He chanted to himself silently, knowing very well what Mori was going to say next.
“I would like to borrow Dazai to guard the shipments.”
The room went eerily silent and Dazai found himself glaring at Mori, barely able to suppress his trembles.
“You have plenty of capable members who could guard the shipments with ease, I don’t see why you specifically need me.” Dazai stated as neutral as possible.
Mori gave him a wide smile, “Chuuya and Akutagawa are overseas on a job and the rest of the Port Mafia would be unfit for guarding the shipments. You of all people should know that.”
Dazai opened his mouth to snap back but Yosano cut him off, “What would you be offering the Agency in return for Dazai’s help?”
What? Were they actually going to hand him over to Mori if he offered something big enough?!
“Well, I have information and can offer help. While Dazai guards the shipments and stays with the Port Mafia, I’ll give you guys all of the info I know and help with getting rid of this organization. Once they’re gone Dazai can come back and we’ll be even.”
Yosano averted her gaze after he finished talking and looked conflicted.
Dazai knew that she also had a past with Mori but wondered if she felt the same amount of fear that he was currently feeling-
“What kind of information do you have?” The brunet asked. If he was going to go with Mori the information better be worthwhile.
“We captured one of the shipment thieves and after interrogating her, she revealed the name of the organization, some of its members, the location of a small base where several lower ranked members were staying and most importantly who they were planning to attack next.”
That was a lot of valuable info-
Dazai wanted to scream! He knew that Mori wouldn’t tell them anything unless he went… It was a setup- Mori has probably gotten all of that information to hang over Dazai’s head in the hopes that the younger man would give in and temporarily go back to the Mafia.
He couldn’t even begin to imagine some of the things Mori would do to him if he agreed to go back…
He felt his mind wander momentarily as he thought back to one of their last “sessions”
***
He was 17
With his executive status he had less and less time on his hands, and even though it was tiring, Dazai was grateful for all of the work.
More time working, meant less time being taught by Mori.
Of course that didn’t mean that he fully escaped his mentor’s lessons.
Take today for example. He had been happily drinking in the Lupin Bar with Ango and Odasaku when he had gotten a text from his boss that merely said.
“My office. Now.”
He knew that Mori’s word was final and that if he were to ignore it, he would only get more hurt when he inevitably had to face Mori again.
And so he cheerfully told his friends that something came up, even though on the inside he was internally screaming-
He was sure that Odasaku noticed how anxious he had suddenly become but thankfully the older man didn’t say anything and merely bid the brunet goodbye.
And so now Dazai was in Mori’s office trying to keep his breathing even.
“Sit down please,” Mori gestured towards the red armchair and Dazai immediately complied.
He had no idea what Mori planned on today, he just hoped that it had to do with something less focused on pain.
His boss sat on another armchair facing opposite to him and after a minute of silence he finally spoke,
“How’s your training with Akutagawa going?”
Oh-
This wasn’t good-
Mori must’ve found out how little progress Dazai had been making with the boy.
He had been trying so much but it seemed that nothing worked… No matter how hard he tried to speak to Akutagawa the idiot just wouldn’t listen!
“...It’s been going fine, boss.” Dazai spoke cautiously, knowing he was treading on very thin ice.
“Don’t lie to me.” Mori said sharply and suddenly a pang of fear formed in his chest.
“...He’s difficult— but I’m sure with a little more time he’ll start listening-“
Mori stared at him unimpressed, “I had such high hopes for you Dazai… You've disappointed me.”
Those words felt like a stab to his heart-
He hated disappointing Mori because his boss was the only one who ever gave him any sort of praise…
He just wanted to be good enough so that Mori would praise him and be kind and gentle until he no longer felt numb...
The brunet hung his head, “I’m sorry, boss.”
He heard Mori sigh, “The reason why I called you here today, was because Akutagawa apparently attacked someone who pays us protection money. It took hours to smooth things over and since you're his superior, I wanted to hear an explanation to how you’ve been teaching him because obviously it isn’t working.”
What?! Why the hell would Akutagawa do something so stupid?
Dazai explained to Mori of all the training he put Akutagawa through. For the most part Dazai tended to keep his lessons more verbal rather than getting physical because he was worried that he’d go too far and break the kid-
It wouldn’t do any good to have another Port mafia member as numb and broken as Dazai was himself…
After he was finished talking the brunet realized that Mori was glaring at him…
He was really mad today it seemed, and Dazai wished that he had done better and had taught Akutagawa better…
If he wasn’t able to get the younger boy into line then Mori would deal with him himself and that would not be good at all.
“Your lessons are weak. I’ve taught you for how many years and yet you decide to take a completely different approach when dealing with your subordinate?” His tone was cold and Dazai wanted anything but to be in here with him right now.
“I didn’t want to be too hard on him.”
That was apparently the wrong thing to say because Mori suddenly stood up from his spot of the armchair and grabbed onto Dazai’s collar, pulling him up to stand, their faces were mere inches away from each other now and Dazai could clearly see the anger swirling in Mori’s violet eyes.
“If you’re not hard on him he won’t learn. Are you saying that I was too hard on you Dazai?”
Shit, this conversation was heading in a very bad direction-
“No Mori…”
“Maybe you need some inspiration then?”
Inspiration?
He barely had time to process what was happening when Mori suddenly threw him back, stumbling over his own feet before falling to the ground.
Mori stood over him, an evil aura filling the room and he leaned down to grab onto the younger boys tie,
“Let me show you how to properly teach someone.”
Dazai slowly nodded, his expression numb and cold, for he knew what was about to happen next…
Usually after a lesson Mori would hold and reassure him… Tell him that he was doing this for his own good.
But this time nothing of the sort happened.
This time, Mori had done his lesson and then thrown Dazai under his desk, the brunet barely conscious.
He said that he had several people that were going to swing by in the late of night for important business reasons, and told Dazai as part of his punishment that he could silently lay under the table and hope that no one saw him or that he could resist and Mori would show him off to the others and prove to everyone that the Demon Prodigy was merely a weak child.
Dazai didn’t move the entire time
***
“I’m afraid that the Agency doesn’t offer members as an exchange for information.” Fukuzawa said calmly, though there was a tone of finality to his words.
Dazai turned his head to stare at the president, the flashback still fresh in his mind.
Fukuzawa was standing up for him?
Mori’s expression didn’t change and he went back to staring at Dazai, not bothering to turn his focus onto the President, “Ah Fukuzawa, always so protective over his members. I’m sure that Dazai would be rather happy to help though. If he doesn't agree then it’ll take the Agency much more time to stop the organization, therefore leading to more innocent lives being lost… I’m sure that Dazai doesn’t want that to happen at all.”
His tone was light and cheerful but Dazai could hear the danger lurking in every word.
If he didn’t go with Mori, more innocent lives would die…
Good people were selfless… They didn’t care what they had to put themselves through if it meant saving others…
But even still, the thought of going back to Mori even if just for a bit, made him want to curl in on himself and scream-
“Using blackmail won’t convince Dazai to go with you.” Yosano accused, with a tinge of anger.
“Blackmail?! Who said I was blackmailing Dazai? I’m merely stating facts is all, facts that I’m sure Dazai would’ve considered even if I hadn’t said anything.”
“Even so. My earlier answer still holds. We don’t trade off members for something as simple as information.”
Dazai felt his heartbeat, quickening, the world around him was going fuzzy and unfocused.
He was a good person now and good people protected others.
He had to go with Mori and speed up the arrest of the organization or else he would be going against everything that Odasaku had told him to be.
He would be being selfish and selfish people were bad.
Right?
“I’ll go.” Dazai said quietly.
Everyone in the room snapped their heads to stare at him. Mori didn’t look surprised though. His smile didn’t falter but there was a dark glimmer of satisfaction within his eyes and Fukuzawa opened his mouth to argue but Dazai beat him to it.
“Mori won’t give information unless I go and that would mean that it would take more time to solve whoevers behind this all. We need info so therefore I’ll go.”
Mori’s gaze was practically piercing through him at this point and it was taking everything he had to not crumble right then and there.
“Dazai, how do you personally feel about going with Mori?” Fukuzawa asked.
The brunet was caught off guard by the question and blinked wide eyed at the older man, “What?” He asked dumbfounded.
What did it matter what he “personally” felt? Information was information, and it was way more important than his fear.
“I asked what you truly feel when thinking about going with Mori.”
“...I… I don’t see why that matters sir-” He stumbled through his words, unable to comprehend why his boss was so insistent on asking.
Across from him, Kunikida was staring curiously at the brunet, obviously just as intent at hearing what Dazai’s feelings were on the matter as well-
“It matters because I want to know if you’re comfortable with going.” Fukuzawa tried explaining but it only made Dazai more confused.
What did it matter if he was comfortable? His life had no worth, information was much more valuable than his comfort-
Suddenly Dazai felt his entire body tensing as he heard Mori start to laugh, quieter at the beginning until it got louder and more bubbly.
He hated that laugh-
“These people really know nothing about you.” Mori giggled, staring coldly at him.
Dazai wanted to flee from the room immediately. He felt his control slipping from him and he knew he must look quite anxious to everyone in the room. He was trying and failing miserably to place his masks back on-
“What do you mean by that?” He snapped back.
“They’re asking about your comfort when both you and me know you find very little value in that… Do you really not trust them enough to explain something as simple as that?”
The entire atmosphere in the room shifted slightly. It felt like everyone had their eyes on him-
He didn’t like it…
“If I recall Mori, I never once explained any of my values to you either… You exploited them yourself, and used them as a weapon against me.”
His voice was cool and calculating but underneath he was in full defensive mode, eager to get Mori as far away from him as possible and to keep the Agency unaware of his fear.
Mori tilted his head at him, “Are you implying that you never trusted me?”
The question was a trap and Dazai knew it, yet he couldn’t help but hiss back,
“I think my feelings towards you are pretty transparent.”
Atsushi was staring rather anxiously as the two men talked and the brunet could feel the slight trembles that were coursing through his body.
It wasn’t just him either, Yosano and Kunikida were both watching wide eyed as the two talked, Kunikida’s usual demeanor gone and Yosano’s usual elegance frayed at the edges
So much for keeping them all calm-
Fukuzawa himself hadn’t reacted much to the shift in conversation, though Dazai could still tell that he was eyeing him with concern.
“That hurts me Dazai… After all those years I took care of you…” Mori finally said after a beat of silence.
Mori taking care of him? What a joke. That man was half the reason why he was as messed up as he was today.
Or was he?
No, Dazai’s mind was twisting everything. Mori had hurt him… But it was for his own good.
“No, no, no!”
“You never took care of me… You and I both know that… You merely owned me like I was some doll and moulded me until I was your perfect successor.”
He didn’t know if what he was saying was correct… He didn't understand anything when it came to his and Mori’s relationship.
Mori had hurt him… But he deserved it right?
There was so much pain, but there was praise too and some nights Dazai found himself practically craving Mori’s touch and his cold scalpels and the way he’d whisper words of sweet nothings into his ear while he cut his body apart.
It disgusted him to think back to all the times he went crawling to Mori begging him to hurt him and use him and praise him and make him feel anything…
He had asked to be hurt-
Mori was taking care of him wasn’t he?
Dazai shook his head and gazed back at his former mentor, a desperation in his eyes for the entire room to see.
“You’re unsure.” Mori stated with a grin on his face, “You know deep down that I took care of you as best as I could… Your mind is looking for anyone to blame and unfortunately it seems your brain chose to pick me.”
Blame?
“But… You killed him- and you…” Dazai wasn’t able to finish the sentence in fear that admitting that Mori had hurt him would hand over victory to the older man.
Kunikida was staring at him very seriously now as well as Atsushi who looked extremely worried.
Yosano and Fukuzawa on the other hand were glaring daggers at Mori. Seemingly trying to get him to drop the conversation.
“You’re still upset over Oda’s death? I’ve explained this before, his death greatly benefited the Port Mafia. I have no regrets.”
By the mention of the name Dazai tensed even more and Hirotsu who had been silent and neutral this entire time tensed as well,
“Oda… That was the person’s grave you were visiting one time.” Atsushi spoke up softly, his innocent eyes staring up at him.
Dazai glanced at Atsushi and was only able to nod. He felt like he might vomit if he spoke.
“Mori, you asked if you could borrow Dazai and are now antagonizing him. He’s only allowed to go if he feels comfortable, so stop manipulating him.” Yosano seethed, her anger very apparent now.
“First you accuse me of blackmail and now manipulation. My, my Yosano. I’m just trying to have a conversation with my former protege.”
Dazai’s mind felt muddled with anger that he barely registered Yosano’s words.
He felt no regret for killing Odasaku?
“...He didn’t deserve to die, he was a good person.” Dazai finally felt himself snapping, he couldn’t keep control, everything about this situation was wrong.
The entire room fell silent again as Dazai stared at Mori with anger radiating off every inch of his skin.
“I’m not finding excuses for people to blame… You’re the reason he’s dead and you-” His words cut off yet again.
He really couldn’t admit that Mori hurt him.
It felt too painful to admit something of that extent and Dazai wasn’t even sure if it was true.
He couldn’t decide whether he had deserved it or not-
And admitting that Mori had in fact caused him pain would make him completely vulnerable to the Agency…
And Dazai was someone who hated being vulnerable in any way…
Maybe that was why he was so upset by this whole situation.
First Mori comes waltzing in here, asking to borrow Dazai and own him again for the price of information, and then Mori goes trying to tear him apart piece by piece in front of his new boss and coworkers-
“Finish your sentence Dazai.” Mori challenged.
Dazai hated that he involuntarily averted his eyes and lowered his head until he was staring at his now shaking hands in his lap.
He really was weak…
“Go on Dazai, say what you’ve been attempting to say for the past several minutes.” Mori edged him on again and he desperately wanted to shrink until he disappeared from view.
He could feel everyone's eyes staring at him and he had never felt so exposed,
“...You hurt me…” He admitted in a voice barely above a whisper.
“What was that? You’re going to have to speak up if you want everyone to hear you.” Mori’s voice was taunting and that was when the brunet felt all of his self control snap.
“You. Hurt. Me.” He said every word with a jab of venom and he sat there breathing heavily, his head had snapped up to stare at Mori once more and with the words out in the open every single expression was one of shock.
Even Hirotsu seemed taken aback.
Mori himself seemed surprised that Dazai had admitted to such a thing but after a minute his expression turned back to casual,
“Each Port mafia member goes through specialized training before being let into the ranks. Don’t think of yourself as special Dazai.”
His words hurt the 22 year old more than he cared to admit.
It felt like he was being stabbed-
The pain, and oh how it hurt and oh how Dazai wanted to beg Mori to praise him instead and cut him open until the disappointment was gone.
He couldn’t control his mouth opening, preparing to completely and utterly expose himself to the room, but it seemed that Mori knew what he was about to do because he cut in.
“I came here for a reason and I’m tired of your confusion with simple human concepts. Are you coming with me or not.”
His eyes widened and he could only sit there gaping at his former mentor.
He was tired of him-
Why did the words hurt so much, Dazai hated it…
Mori had hurt him!
But he had said it was normal training-
But no one else was as broken as Dazai, they were all alive and human and able to feel and understand emotions.
Maybe Dazai was just weak.
Dazai wanted the comfort of Mori again, he craved it.
He craved being torn apart again and again by the man…
And so when he finally got his mouth to work he whispered,
“I’ll go.”
***
It was odd to see Dazai, his usually lazy, carefree partner so wound up and anxious-
Throughout the entire meeting he had been getting increasingly pale and fidgety, until now he sat there his eyes pleading and said that he would… Go with Mori?
This wasn’t the Dazai he was used to dealing with…
He had known of the brunet’s past with the Port Mafia but it had never occurred to him just how much of an affect the Port Mafia and by extension Mori actually had on him-
It was always easy to brush off Dazai as some lazy, overconfident, idiot who never got any work done, but now Dazai was completely different.
He was anxious, unsure and quiet-
It all seemed wrong to Kunikida-
The entire room was uneasy as well. Atsushi was shooting Dazai worried glances quite often and Yosano was constantly clenching her fists like she had to restrain herself from attacking Mori.
The president also seemed quite uneasy which was abnormal for the usually neutral man and so Kunikida really didn’t know how to help this situation…
The Agency should have realized how much of an effect Mori had on Dazai.
They saw a glimpse of it during the guild conflict but the moment Mori had left, Dazai was completely back to his usual cheerful self, blabbering about a new suicide attempt he wanted to try before he disappeared for the rest of the day.
He disappeared for the rest of the day…
The blonde man felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he realized that meeting with Mori probably hurt him quite a lot and he chose to hide from everyone until he was better, instead of reaching out.
Kunikida really never thought he’d feel bad for the waste of bandages, yet here he was-
His ideals stated that he would help anyone who was in danger and well Dazai was in danger.
“He’s not going.” He stated seriously.
Dazai’s head turned sharply to stare at him, “...We need the information, I don’t mind going.”
“Dazai.” Fukuzawa cut in, “You're not going it’s obvious you're not in the right mindset for this.”
Yosano nodded and Atsushi glanced at Dazai’s now surprised expression.
Mori looked absolutely victorious right at this moment.
His smile stretched so wide against his face and his eyes twinkled with something exceedingly evil.
And then suddenly, it clicked for Kunikida.
He wasn’t extremely educated on the topic of abuse and manipulation but it was obvious what Mori’s intentions were now,
“You didn’t come here to strike a deal did you?” Kunikida asked rather calmly, despite the boiling anger that was running through his veins.
Mori’s violet eyes stared knowingly at the blonde haired man and he had to suppress the urge to shiver. Instead he stood his ground and stared back,
“What do you mean by that?” The Port Mafia Boss asked, mockingly innocent.
“What I mean is that it may be true that you need Dazai's help but your true intentions for being here are to terrorize him… If you just wanted his help it would’ve been a simple matter, yet you’ve continuously harassed him for the past.”
The room fell silent and even Dazai sat there looking dumbfounded.
“...Kunikida-” He began, trailing off.
“I think my boss has stated quite clearly that we don't exchange members as currency, there’s nothing more to discuss in this meeting.” Kunikida spoke with a note of authority to his voice, something that was caused by the intense desire to get his partner as far from the Port Mafia Boss as he could.
Fukuzawa nodded, “Atsushi, if you could please escort these two men out.”
The silver haired boy jumped up and hurriedly walked to the door, opening it harder than necessary and waited for the two mafia men to walk out.
Mori sighed but didn’t argue any further. He slowly stood up before gesturing for Hirotsu to leave first.
“Thank you for your time Fukuzawa… It’s unfortunate that we weren’t able to come to an agreement.”
Fukuzawa didn’t respond and instead watched as Mori slowly followed Hirotsu to leave the room.
As he went to pass behind Dazai, the brunet visibly tensed. and it seemed that Mori noticed because he smiled before leaning down to whisper something in his ear.
Mori had spoken too quiet for anyone but Dazai to hear but, what he said must’ve been enough to shatter whatever sense of sanity his partner had left because he started trembling, wide eyed before saying in the coldest tone that Kunikida had ever heard,
“Get. Out.”
Mori chuckled, “Ah well, until next time D-”
“GET OUT!”
The entire room froze as Dazai practically yelled for his former boss to leave.
Even Mori seemed caught off guard because he merely frowned before swiftly walking out of the room. Atsushi closing the door behind them so that he could escort them out.
Kunikida watched as Dazai, the man he thought to be unbreakable, completely shattered right then and there.
With Mori out of the room the brunet finally sagged down in his seat, still shaking and extremely pale.
What the hell had Mori said to him?!
“...Dazai, can you look at me please?” Yosano asked calmly, reaching her hand out to grab onto his shoulder.
The brunet practically jumped away from her touch and Yosano put down her hand defensively to watch as Dazai stared wide eyed around the room.
“I-I…” He tried speaking as he pushed himself from off his chair.
He looked very pale and it was obvious that he was trying his hardest not to go into a panic attack.
“Dazai?” Yosano questioned, watching as he stumbled back.
Kunikida only had a split second to realize what was happening before he was running over to the side of the desk and catching Dazai as he passed out.
The blonde haired man had prepared to be sunk down by the dead weight of the brunet but was both shocked and horrified when he noticed that Dazai was extremely light and very easy to hold even when he was unconscious.
Kunikida looked over at Yosano and Fukuzawa wide eyed and the two of them both hurried over to help.
***
He didn’t like it here.
He was currently in an old examination room where Mori commonly did his ‘lessons’ and training.
The walls were barren and the room smelt of medical supplies that made the brunet’s nose burn.
He really didn’t like it here.
“Lay down Dazai.” Mori instructed, already putting a hand on the brunet’s chest to gently push him down until his back was fully on the metal table.
He was grateful that Mori only made him take off his shirt and not his bandages because they covered him from the very cold table. Dazai remembered being without his bandages at one time and how much he squirmed when Mori had forced him to lay back-
That hadn’t been a very good day at all...
He stared up at the ceiling numbly and waited as his mentor pulled the leather straps across his arms, legs and waist.
He was trapped…
Not that he wasn’t used to it all by now… This must be what, their 12th or 13th “lesson” here.
Mori gently brushed Dazai’s bangs away from his face and the gesture made him look up into the bright violet eyes.
He was always so nice during these sessions…
Usually, Mori was emotionally detached from the younger boy, cold and harsh… But, when he was teaching Dazai, he was kind. He praised and reassured the brunet and it all messed with Dazai’s head, he really didn’t understand it.
Mori gave him a soft smile, “You’re going to be good and sit still, right?”
Dazai nodded slowly, too absorbed in the affectionate look his mentor was giving him,
“I want you to say it, Dazai.”
“I’ll… I’ll be good.” He mumbled.
Mori gave him another smile before ruffling his hair and turning around to grab something.
If this session was anything like the last then Dazai knew exactly what he was getting.
A scalpel.
He forced his breathing to stay calm as Mori turned back to face him, scalpel indeed shining in his hand.
He came closer and set the medical instrument beside Dazai and gently began unwrapping parts of his bandages so that his bruised, cut and bloody body was exposed for Mori to see.
Dazai always hated this part, how Mori’s hands would trace the cuts he made, how his touch was so gentle that it hurt…
Mori sometimes liked to compare Dazai to a canvas, blank and ready to be covered in paint and colour. Though, the paint was actually blood and bruises…
Even so, Dazai found himself believing those words more and more.
The bruises and the blood were pretty, they made him pretty… That’s what Mori always told him.
No one ever called him pretty- So when his mentor did, even after tearing him apart, it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
He started believing that he was only pretty when his blood was spilt and bruises covered his porcelain skin.
He started believing that being in pain was pretty.
He started believing that he was indeed a canvas ready to be painted by only Mori.
He started believing every lie that spilled from Mori’s lips.
Mori leant down and pressed a soft kiss into the brunet’s hair causing Dazai to lay there in shock.
It hurt-
Every gentle touch hurt more than the cuts and bruises and he couldn’t take it anymore.
When Mori stood up to look down at the younger boy once more, his expression faltered and he watched curiously as Dazai struggled to stop the tears that were flowing down his face.
“I’m sorry.” Dazai pleaded as more and more tears leaked from his eyes. Mori gave him another soft smile and oh it hurt and he was crying more…
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He didn’t even know what he was apologizing for- He just felt like he had to say that he was sorry or else Mori would leave him and he would have no one again-
“My sweet, precious child.” Mori cooed, cupping Dazai’s cheek and wiping the tears away with his thumb.
Dazai couldn’t even form a sentence anymore and instead laid there trembling while tears continued to stream down his face.
Then, he found himself gasping for air as Mori suddenly dug the scalpel into his skin.
His body involuntarily lurched forward and the restraints around him strained from him trying to sit up.
He couldn’t breath-
Everything hurt but it was all so pretty-
And the softness and the pain,
He really couldn’t breath.
He froze as his cheek stung, the sound of someone slapping another filled the room.
The initial shock was even enough for Mori to push him back against the table,
“Stay still.”
Mori’s voice wasn’t kind anymore. It was harsh and cold and demanding and it made more and more tears leak from his eyes.
He had made the only person who was ever nice to him mad…
And so for the rest of the time while Mori littered more and more cuts onto Dazai’s body the brunet laid as still as possible and whispered “I’m sorry.” over and over while more and more tears fell onto the metal table…
And then, after it was all over and the pain stopped,
Mori took away the restraints and gently lifted Dazai from off the table so that he could sit the both of them on the ground.
Dazai was trembling and crying and still repeating his apologies so when Mori lifted him onto his lap he hurriedly wrapped his arms around his mentor’s neck and buried his face into the crook of his shoulder.
And Mori let him…
Dazai continued to cry and tremble and plead and all the while Mori pet his hair and whispered sweet resurrances to him.
Oh and how the pain was pretty…
***
Dazai gasped awake, shaking and sweating from the horribly vivid dream.
Figures that he would relive that memory today…
He remembered that day very well even without the dream.
He had been close to 15 years old at the time and that was the day when he completely shattered…
That was the day where his mind finally gave into the darkness and he truly became numb and broken.
Now that he was over the initial shock of waking up from his nightmarish sleep, his eyes focused in on the fact that he was in Yosano’s office,
And several pairs of eyes were watching him-
Kunikida, Yosano and Fukuzawa were standing around him. Atsushi must be somewhere else which the brunet was grateful for-
He’d rather not show weakness in front of his subordinate...
“Um…” He began, not sure what to say in this situation.
Maybe if he put on his cheerful facade they would think everything was okay and leave him be?
He was just about to form his face into a smile, however, Fukuzawa spoke up,
“How are you feeling?”
Dazai frowned. Why was the president so insistent on asking him if he was okay today. Sure, he had a little breakdown after Mori left but it wasn’t anything to get all worked up about-
“I’m fine, really. There’s no need to worry about me.”
Kunikida scoffed, “Please don’t lie, Dazai.”
The brunet watched his partner dumbfounded, how could they tell that he wasn’t okay and most importantly why did they care?
“You talk in your sleep.” Yosano explained, looking at the confused expression on his face.
He felt himself pale at her words. How much had he said-
“I wish you had told me about Mori’s behaviour towards you.” Fukuzawa said softly and Dazai felt his heartbeat quicken.
Was Fukuzawa mad at him for being secretive?
Dazai was suddenly reminded of his dream and the metal table and the stench of the room and he realized at that moment that Yosano’s office smelt and looked very similar to the one Mori had-
Was Fukuzawa going to hurt him for lying?!
No, he wouldn’t do that… Right?
“Dazai.” Fukuzawa spoke sharply, the brunet flinched before staring wide eyed at his boss.
He knew he must look like a terrified child right now but he couldn’t help it, everything about today was wrong, and he could barely keep enough self control to not fully break down.
Dazai hung his head to hide his expression before doing the only thing he knew how to do in situations like these.
He apologized.
“I’m sorry…” He whispered quietly. Even after all these years he wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for but, he felt that it needed to be said.
“You don’t need to apologize for anything.” Fukuzawa’s tone was soft and oh, Dazai hasn’t felt this pain in so many years-
The pain that came along when anyone sounded like they cared…
The first person he heard that tone from was Mori, not even his parents had been soft or kind to him-
But even then, Mori’s kindness was always mixed with pain and venom-
The second person who had ever been kind to him was Chuuya.
Even when he was constantly annoyed with the brunet, he went out of his way to make sure that Dazai was safe and ok.
Chuuya was nice.
And the third person who had ever shown him kindness was Oda…
And Oda was so kind-
He made Dazai feel like he was human for the first time in his life… He was so nice.
But he died…
And now, Fukuzawa and the other members were being kind-
They were being so kind, even when they knew he had lied and was a terrible person.
Dazai doesn’t think he’s ever been in this much pain before in his life-
“...Dazai?” Kunikida questioned, he seemed surprised by something.
The brunet lifted his head to stare at his partner and he saw everyone’s eyes widen around him.
“What?” He asked nervously. Why were they all looking at him like that?
“...You’re crying.” Yosano said softly.
Dazai brought a hand up to his face and felt the wetness of tears on his cheeks. He really was crying-
He quickly tried rubbing them away but more and more were flowing from his eyes. It was like that day with Mori, he couldn’t stop-
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” Dazai didn’t know what else to say. He was crying and showing weakness and now they were being forced to deal with him.
He hadn’t even realized he had begun scratching his nails over his eyes until Kunikida suddenly lurched forward and grabbed his wrists, pulling them away from his face.
“Stop apologizing!” The blonde haired man pleaded.
Dazai felt utterly vulnerable. He was sitting here crying, with Kunikida holding his wrists away from his face so he had nowhere to hide.
Kunikida’s eyes held so much concern and beside him he could see that both Yosano and Fukuzawa shared the same expression.
“No one’s mad at you, okay. We’re just concerned and upset.” Kunikida explained, his eyes still showing that same level of concern.
Dazai relaxed slightly in his partner's grip but the tears still flowed freely down his cheeks.
“I just… Don’t like being around Mori…” He finally admitted. It felt sort of nice to say that he didn’t like being in his former boss’s presence-
“That’s alright. I can personally make sure that you stay away from Mori as much as possible. I can't promise that you won’t have to see him here and there but I'll do my best to keep meetings between you two rare.” Fukuzawa spoke.
Dazai felt his eyes widen and more tears leaked from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry Dazai… I worked with Mori for a short period of time so I know what he’s like but… I didn’t realize how much of an effect he must’ve had on you, especially since you were under his care for so long…” Yosano said quietly and Dazai felt horrible that she was upset because of him.
“Please— Don’t apologize to me-“ He could barely choke out words now,
His chest was heaving with the effort to keep his breathing even, and the tears were clouding his eyes and making the world around him fuzzy.
“The Agency won’t let him hurt you again.” Kunikida reassured in a soft voice but, there was such a powerful sense of determination behind his words.
The Agency won’t let him hurt you again
Dazai couldn’t take it anymore,
He lunged forward, Forcing his partner to release his wrists before he wrapped his arms around Kunikida’s neck and buried his face into the crook of his shoulder.
This is exactly what he did in his dream. Except this time his body wasn’t cut or bruised and he was crying because he finally felt safe.
Kunikida sat stunned for a moment before he hesitantly wrapped his arms around Dazai’s thin body. Letting the brunet sob into his shoulder.
Dazai knew that he should get control over his emotions and go back to hiding behind his masks,
but, he was so tired-
And finally letting the Agency know that he didn’t like being near Mori and even more important, them accepting him and going out of their ways to keep him away from his old mentor-
It was all too much and so Dazai couldn't help the fact that he was sobbing like a child.
He knew that Yosano and Fukuzawa were standing there, but he didn’t dare look up. Partially because he was still sobbing and barely had control of his body but it was mostly from the fact that he didn’t think he could handle looking at their faces while he was vulnerable like this.
He didn’t know how much time had passed but slowly his sobs quieted down, until he was laying wrapped around Kunikida, hiccuping every once in a while.
He gently pulled away from his partner after another minute of composing himself and looked around weary eyed at Yosano and Fukuzawa.
The Agency won’t let him hurt you again.
He knew it was foolish to believe those words especially since he always seemed to have misfortunes thrown at him from every direction,
but, he wanted to hope that this time could maybe be different…
“Become a good man. I know both sides don’t mean much to you but, it would at least make your life a little more beautiful.”
Oda was right. His life was more beautiful. Even without all the pain.
For the first time in his life he wanted to hope.
“How are you feeling now?” Yosano asked softly.
“I’m okay… Just a bit tired.” Dazai said, adding onto the end after she gave him a sharp look.
Kunikida looked at him before sighing gently, “Just lay in here for a bit and when you’re feeling better we can work on the case… There’s no rush though.”
Kunikida. The man who prided himself on getting work done… Was telling Dazai to relax?!
Today really was strange-
Despite everything he felt a mischievous grin spread on his face at those words,
“Kunikida-kunnnnnnnnnn~ Does this mean you’re actually telling me to slack off ?! Oh how I thought this day would never come!”
The brunet watched as a vein popped out of his partner's forehead and had to suppress the urge to laugh out loud.
“Dazai.” Kunikida growled.
“Maybe I should cry more often and Kunikida won’t make me do paperwork!” He chirped back.
“Ok listen here you bandaged idiot! Just because I’m letting you slack off just this once doesn’t mean you can go around crying to get out of doing paperwork!” The blonde haired man stated, grabbing onto Dazai’s collar and shaking him back and forth.
Yosano and Fukuzawa watched the exchange amused and Dazai merely closed his eyes, smiling and allowed his partner to spew his ideal nonsense at him.
For the first time in a very long time Dazai felt happy.
The Agency won’t let him hurt you again.
***
He started believing that he could be pretty even without the pain.
He started believing that pain was not pretty.
He started believing that his body was not a canvas destined to have cuts and bruises painted everywhere.
He started believing that he didn’t deserve to be hurt.
He started believing that Mori was a liar.
And lastly,
He started believing that maybe, just maybe,
The Agency would be the ones to stay.