Chapter Text
the morning is bright and all seems right fuck poetry. bruno bucciarati, a single mom of his 5 children and one which has been promoted to husband, wakes up on this fine saturday summer morning. he sat up in his queen sized bed he got from an abandoned matress firm and took a deep whiff of the fresh morning air. "cum." he sniffed deeply and got dressed. it was 4:44 am, the time bruno usually wakes up every saturday morning. abbacchio slept next to him every night ever since he was promoted from child to husband. every night before bed he would always tell bruno, "no homo." bruno smiled and went to bed. bruno did not say "no homo."
abbacchio squirmed in bed as bruno left and it was cold again, he's a sleep squirmer who craves bruno's body heat. bruno went to prepare breakfast for his five little angles! he also began to mentally prepare for this long 1 hour road trip to his second local walmart. him and his children got banned from the nearest one to them which is 4 minutes away. bruno is still disappointed in his fourth favorite child to this day because of the incident.
bruno checked on his sleeping children who were peacefully sleeping. he opened the door to his favorite child, giorno giovanna's room. bruno looked at giorno as he slept peacefully and beautifully. "any sleep is beauty sleep for you, my angel." bruno said and caressed giorno's cheek before leaving his room to check on the other 4 troublemakers.
he checked on his second favorite child, narancia ghirga. upon opening the door to his room, bruno's nostrils were greeted with the scent of moldy food and burning garbage. bruno didn't even want to go into narancia's room, but he did anyways because he loves his children. narancia's room was more than a fire hazard, it was a surprise pit of death. you'll never know what bizzare thing you'll stumble across in narancia's room. "good morning my little narancione!" he said and smiled at narancia who was half naked and asleep. half of him was under a blanket, the other half was twisted in such a way that would cause annoying knots in his muscles, and in his right hand was an old hot dog bun with an odd, dried, almost opaque white substance. bruno shrugged his shoulders and went to his next child's room.
bruno walked to his next son's room. his third favorite child, pannacotta fugo, he always behaved well. bruno entered his room and was in complete shock of the unexpected smell of moldy, squished bananas and cum in his room. bruno went to visit his child in fugo's dark cave he calls his bedroom. fugo was asleep and fully clothed in his holey clothes. fugo showers, but he never does the laundry! "you stinky boy." bruno left, dreading the room he has to go into next.
he always saves his fourth and least favorite child, guido mista, to check on fourth for payback because of the incident. bruno hesitantly entered his room, knowing to expect a smell worse than that of narancia's own room. bruno opened the door. the stench of middle school boy's locker room filled the air and mista isn't even in middle school. he never showers and cums everywhere! "that horny little lobotomite!" bruno scoffed and approached his fourth favorite child. mista was completely naked and smelt like a rotting corpse. bruno wanted to get out of there as soon as possible! but bruno was drawn in here for a reason, he sensed danger. bruno noticed one of the terrible habits from his child, he sleeps with his gun in his bed. "you should be more careful mista. the safety isn't even on!" bruno said and turned the safety on so mista doesn't somehow shoot himself in his sleep, which he has done before, straight in the left asscheek. he did not wake up. he was up late watching porn and bruno knew it.
bruno, disappointed, visited his most recently adopted child, trish una, who is nowhere on bruno's favorite child list since she was the most recently adopted and her presence on the list disrupts the placement of the others. trish behaves well, but is very needy and always wants french mineral water. bruno thinks she has an obsession with french mineral water. bruno entered her room and she slept like a princess: with 7 different perfumes on and those gel sleep mask thingies that go over your eyes. "good morning princess." he said and smiled at trish, who somehow behaved the best out of the other 4 kids. bruno finally finished checking on his little angels and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast and get ready for his super exciting, action packed, fun filled day.
slowly his children started to wake up. it was 7:00 in the morning. "buon giorno." giorno said to bruno. "good morning my favorite child! don't tell the others you're my favorite, or else their egos will deflate." bruno told his son as he ate bruno's carefully and lovingly prepared breakfast. by 9:00 all of his children were (reluctantly) awake and down eating breakfast. bruno and abbacchio watched their beloved goons eat breakfast and converse with each other. it was always constant arguing.
"so last night i had a dream and you got anal from shrek!"
"dude i'm not gay shut the fuck up!!"
"oh my god don't say anal at the table! i'm eating!"
"grow a pair, pussy."
"oh yeah i had an interesting dream last night too! fugo revealed that his thong matches his tie and shoes and he finally admitted that he has a micropenis!"
"I DO NOT HAVE A MICROPENIS."
"ow!! you don't have to stab me man!!"
"i don't even know what a micropenis is."
"that's cuz ur a girl and you dont have a penis."
"yea of course you fuckign idiot."
"wanna see a cock i bet you've never seen one."
"no i don't wanna see that it's gross!!"
"ahh you're a sad fucking gardening tool."
"hey giorno do u wanna play minecraft later?"
"no im gonna play fortnite later."
"damn it. i can't believe i lost you to fortnite too."
"fortnite is clearly better than minecraft you sweaty armpit stinkin' ass."
"no! minecraft is better! minecraft doesn't have 4 in the name!!"
"shut up you clump of dick cheese! i play fortntie ALL DAY and your fAT ASS sits around and builds dirt houses!! get some pvp skills man!! fortnite is so much better than mine crap!!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP GIORNO. MINECRAFT IS BETTER BECAUSE YOU CAN ACTUALLY USE YOUR CREATIVITY UNLIKE YOU, WITH A ONLY A DECAYING BRAIN STEM."
"YOU SHARE HALF OF A BRAIN CELL WITH NARANCIA SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"
"AT LEAST I HAVE A BRAIN CELL. ALL YOU DO IS DRINK MONSTER ENERGY DRINK AND GFUEL AND CUM UR PANTS IN YOUR NINJA UNDERWEAR."
"HOW DARE YOU KNOW I HAVE NINJA UNDERWEAR!!"
"I DID THE LAUNDRY THAT DAY AND I FOUND YOOOUR MASSIVE CUM STAIN IN IT WHILE I WAS FOLDING IT!!"
"YEAH WELL I SAW YOU JERKING OFF TO PORN!!"
"NOT SO MUCH OF A SECRET GIORNO. EVERYONE KNOWS I JERK OFF TO PORN!!"
giorno got up and summoned his stand, ready to beat the shit out of mista. everyone else at the table got silent and watched the 2 fight. a few punches and a few bullets flew, neither hitting each other's targets. bruno had to interrupt. it was getting violent now. "ok guys we're going shopping today!" he said excitedly. everyone sighed. fugo ran away but abbacchios arm extended from behind the kitchen counter to fugo's jacket collar and dragged him back into the kitchen. "why can't we just stay home????!" fugo wined. "u want some cheese with that wine?" abbacchio teased. "look fugo, it's because you can't be trusted alone without an adult!!" bruno explained. "but im 18! im an adult!" mista argued. "oh honey, you sure don't act like one!" bruno slapped his knee and laughed with abbacchio. "L." narancia did a fortnite dance and got shot.
"okay my beloved little angels, get dressed and get in the car. if you do not get dressed and in the car in the next 10 minutes i will find you and hold you at gunpoint until you get into the FAMILY WHITE MINIVAN!!" bruno yelled and his children scattered like insects quickly scurrying away from their superiors on the food chain.
10 minutes later
all of bruno's lovely children were ready for an action packed day at walmart, except for one. "WHERE IS THE WOMAN?" bruno asked, angey that his child was not ready to go to walmart. bruno rushed up the stairs with his ak-47 in hand and opened trish's door. "wait has it really already been 10 minutes?" trish asked, still doing her makeup. bruno sighed. "hurry up." then he left her room. everyone else was already in the car.
trish finished her makeup 30 minutes later and got in the car. she sat next to giorno in the backseat. fugo, mista, and narancia sat in the back backseat of the white minivan, all squished together and unsatisfied. "can u stop manspreading you're squishing my balls." narancia said, his balls being crushed between his legs. "dude i literally can't or my balls will be crushed too." mista said. "mine are being crushed too man my balls hurt. just stop and let all of our balls get crushed man." fugo said suffering greatly.
"guys i know it's tight but the car ride is only an hour!" bruno said. "uuuhhhhgggg." narancia ughed. "yeah well you can thank mista for that." bruno said referencing to the incident. "oh shut the fuck up." mista said and played raid shadow legends on his phone. "omg are you playing raid shadow legends?!?!!" narancia asked, getting excited.
"yeah."
"can i play?"
"no."
narancia got angey now. narancia was turning red with anger, like a tomato. he then used his super human strength to close mistas legs so his own cock could breathe. "oh my god finally my balls can breathe." fugo said and looked out the window as the long, tiring car ride went on and on.
"hey giorno what do you think of this color?" trish asked giorno about her nail polish color. "it looks good on you." giorno said. "aww thanks giorno!!!" she said and got a great idea. "do you want me to paint your nails? maybe when we get back from walmart?" trish asked with eager and passion. "sure why not haha." giorno replied, regretting his life choices.
"hey fugo maybe you should get your nails polished too since your so girly." mista teased. "SHUT THE FUCK UP." fugo said and punched mista in the ear. "ow fago!!!" he yelled in pain. "ooohh owie owie owieeeeee~~ it hurts soOOOOO badd!!! i need mommy to kiss my boo boo." fugo teased. "SHUT UP FUGO. YOU HAVE A MICROPENIS." mista said, starting a war.
"OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU DRESS LIKE FRESHMAN GIRL WEARING A TABLECLOTH, WANTING ATTENTION AND SEX AND PRACTICALLY SOME OLD GUY TO TAKE YOU OFF THE STREET AND RAPE YOU IN SOME DARK BACK ALLEY WAY WHILE YOU SCREAM FOR HELP AND NOBODY COMES."
"YEAH? WELL, FUGO YOU DRESS LIKE SWISS CHEESE AND YOU SMELL LIKE BLUE CHEESE. I CAN'T SIT HERE WITHOUT MY NOSE HAIR INCINERATING EVERY 5 SECONDS."
"THAT'S YOU YOU'RE SMELLING YOU SEWER RAT. I BET YOU ALSO HAVE RABIES YOU FAT FUCK. YOU ARE THE HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF HARDENED, CRUSTY BIRD SHIT ON SOMEONE'S WINDSHIELD BLOCKING THEIR VIEW OF THE ROAD THAT WON'T COME OFF NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT'S RUN OVER BY THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS."
"FUGO I'LL MAKE SURE TO SHARPEN YOUR MOLECULAR DICK IN A MANUAL PLASTIC PENCIL SHARPENER TO MAKE IT SHORTER THAN IT ALREADY IS YOU FUCKING TUMBLEWEED."
"YEAH? I'LL CUT OFF YOUR LONGEST STRAND OF ASSHAIR AND CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH IT, YOU BURNT FOOD SMELLIN' STREAM OF SOCK JUICE."
"FUGO HOW COULD YOU?! I VALUE MY LONGEST STRAND OF ASSHAIR!! IT'S AN ACHIEVEMENT! FUGO, I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THREATENING MY ASSHAIR! I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR TOENAILS WITH A MCDONALDS FRENCH FRY AND SKIN YOU ALIVE WITH YOUR OWN TOENAILS YOU GREASY FUCKING HOT DOG BUN!!!"
"MISTA I WILL MAKE SURE YOU HAVE MORE HOLES IN YOUR HEAD THAN A COLLINDER YOU PLOT ARMOR HAVIN' ASS!"
"PLOT ARMOR?!?! I DON'T HAVE PLOT ARMOR!!"
"YES YOU DO YOU NEVER FUCKING DIE NO MATTER WHAT! YOU, CUM SOCK!!"
"WHAT THE FUCK FUGO HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO KILL ME OR SOMETHING?!?!"
"4."
"AAAAAA FUCK YOU FUGO!"
then coincidentally and definitely not because of plot relevancy, four spiders crawled in unison onto the backs of the car seats infront of the 3 boys in the back.
"HEY LOOK SPIDERS! THEY'RE BUGS, JUST LIKE YOU!! AND THERE'S FOUR OF 'EM! YOU'RE FAVORITE NUMBER YOU PIECE COBBED CORN!!
"AAAAAAAHH THE NUMBER BETWEEN THREE AND FIVE SPIDERS!!! FUCK YOU FUGO, YOU PLATE OF SPAGHETTI WITHOUT SAUCE!!"
narancia then picked up the spiders on the back of the carseat infront of him and closely examined them. "burger." he said and ate them. mista and fugo gave him a look of disgust as he nonchalantly just devoured four separate spiders all at once.
the next 30 minutes of the car ride was complete silence. nobody farted, nobody coughed, nobody sneezed, nobody shat their pants, it was silent. all you could hear were car noises. "it's too quiet back there what's going on?" bruno asked his quiet little angels. nobody answered. they were practically all dead. all they did was stare at bruno and get back to staring at nothing.
then out of the extruciating and awkward silence of the long car ride, mista whispered 13 words to his bruhs. "hey wanna have a cum contest and see who can cum the most???" mista suggested to the 2 other boys in the back. "i've got nothing better to do." fugo said. "what's cum?" narancia asked. "white pee." mista said. narancia gave him the ok and they all had a contest to see who could cum the most.
"geez fugo your dick really is small!!" mista said. "shut up! at least i don't have 10 inches of hair covering my ballsacks!" fugo argued back. "guys stop arguing im gonna cum." narancia said and they all came at the same time on the back of the car seats. "wow just like the pornos." mista said and laughed. the boys examined the cum on the backs of the carseats to determine who won. "haha i win." mista said. "shut up man. im just not horny enough to bust a huge nut." fugo said sadly. "so this is what the stuff on my hot dog bun was..." narancia said thinking to himself. mista and fugo had a worried look in their eyes. "i worry about you." fugo said to narancia. "the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma." narancia said, reciting a famous quote.
fugo started to text his minecraft girlfriend. seconds later, abbacchio's phone got a text message. fugo started crying. fugo didn't know what to think. fugo didn't want to believe it. which was worse? the fact that abbacchio is his minecraft girlfriend or the fact that abbacchio is pretending to be a girl online? nobody will ever know. "oh hey bruno have i ever told you about my minecraft girlfriend?" abbacchio said texting his minecraft girlfriend, yes you heard that right, girlfriend. fugo's heart started beating a thousand miles a minute. he began sweating profusely. fugo did not know what to do in this moment. mista who was sitting next to fugo, heard all of this. "fugo are you okay?" he asked his friend. fugo was redder than the kool aids man. he was in excruciating pain from suffering firsthand and secondhand embarrassment at the same time. "this is by far the worst car ride i've ever been in." fugo said and started shaking and sweating even more.
fugo is abbacchio's minecraft girlfriend and abbacchio is fugo's minecraft girlfriend. both of them thought they were dating a hot chick in minecraft, but apparently not. fugo was overwhelmed. "i cant believe he said minecraft girlfriend!! does my minecraft skin really look like a girl?! maybe it's because i type uwu and owo and xD unironically?!?!!!" fugo thought to himself as he panicked. fugo didn't want to break abbacchio's heart, but fugo's heart was already broken in every single place. fugo loved his minecraft girlfriend with all his heart and now it was broken to pieces thanks to her being his fatherly figure.
however, abbacchio still does not know that fugo is his minecraft girlfriend because fugo is smart and keeps his ringer on vibrate. abbacchio will never know, he must never know the truth. meanwhile fugo was having a mental breakdown, bruno made an announcement! "we'll be at walmart in 5 minutes get ready to get out of the car." bruno said making sure his children are ready to behave like good little tapeworms. "finally i can get out of the car! my ass hurts!" narancia said. "me too, then my asshole can finally breathe again!" mista said. "how can ur asshole breathe in general? you just said your longest strand of asshair is an achievement. this proves that you have asshair." fugo said. "shut up you goddamn Galanz 1.1 cu. ft. 1800 Watt 6-Slice Stainless Steel Toaster Oven with Convection, Air Fryer and Rotisserie." mista said with passion, having memorized the product name of a fine 4.7 star toaster oven from home depot. "do 40 divided by 9 you embryonic agricultural instrument." fugo said back. "jokes on you fugo. i shot myself in the head too many times to know what 40 divided by 9 is!" mista said and did it on his phone's calculator. he gasped and cried.
it was at this point that bruno had to interfere. he stopped them from arguing by force. he took his hands off the steering wheel and extended his arms back to the far back of the car where fugo, mista, and narancia were sitting and slapped the shit out of mista and fugo. "that's enough arguing you two. we're literally in the walmart parking lot, so cut it out. if you don't behave in the walmart, i will punish you both. and this goes for all of you my beloved children!" bruno said and pulled into a parking spot all the way at the end of the parking lot, so they had to walk the farthest to get into walmart. "come ONNNN bucciarati do you really expect me to walk thaaaat much?!" trish complained. "shut yer pie hole m'lady." bruno said and got out of the car. he helped his beloved little goons out too.
bruno and his gangstars approached the walmart, menacingly. the walk from the family minivan felt like hours, but was really 1 minute and 48 seconds. everyone complained that their feet hurt already. the boys and girl arrived on the sidewalk outside the walmart's automatic sliding doors. upon entering this walmart, bruno and his goons will soon discover that their lives will never be the same again.
to be continued
<———————