Chapter Text
“C’mon, [Name], don’t cheap out on us now.”
“Ugh—you guys are piss drunk.”
You couldn’t be help but be annoyed that they’d all drank so much without you, though you supposed if you were in their position, you wouldn’t have waited up either. Oluo’s red face was no surprise, but even the sweet Petra and cool-headed Eld were leering up at you.
“We asked you a question,” Gunther demanded, slurring his syllables. The wine in his cup sloshed around as he leaned towards you. “It’s time for you to answer.”
“I’m not answering something that vulgar. Go cool your heads before the Captain sees you.”
“I knew it! You’d fuck the Captain!”
Oluo laughed savagely, making you wince. “A guy that short only means he’s lacking other places too!”
“Maybe you’re overcompensating!” Petra argued. You hoped she might bring a voice of reason, but a devilish smile crossed her face. “I think Captain Levi is the obvious choice.”
“Some of us don’t swing that way,” Oluo retorted. He shuddered overdramatically. “But I bet Hange’s into freaky shit. No way.”
“So, who would you screw?”
“Marlene, of course.”
“Hey, we agreed to only pick from Captains, not Team Leaders!”
“Well there aren’t that many options then, are there?”
“So? That’s part of the challenge.”
“I still think [Name] would choose Levi,” Oluo exclaimed suddenly, hastily redirecting attention back to you. “Wouldn’t that be rich?”
“No way!” Petra shrilled defiantly. “She’s more of the behind the scenes kind of person. No way would she choose a neat freak like him.”
“Oh, but you’re okay with it, Piss-Pants Petra?”
“Don’t fucking call me that!” After walloping Oluo on the back of the head, she shrugged. “I’m just saying, it’s the lesser of two evils.”
“Heh, lesser…”
They erupted with laughter. Feeling your own face redden as if the alcohol was aerosolizing through the air, you slammed your hand down onto the wooden table. Everybody quieted, their soldier’s reflexes still functional beneath the wine.
“If you must know,” you sighed, “I would fuck the Commander.”
“Commander Er—”
“You can’t be serio—”
“Not Bushy Brows—”
“Hold on, did you actually drink—”
“What?!” you defended yourself, more embarrassed than before. “You all didn’t have a problem with me and Levi!”
“Well, Levi’s not Erwin,” Gunther choked out, having been mid-sip during your declaration. “I mean, he’s… Erwin.”
“If I have to screw one of the Corp’s leaders I might as well go right to the top. Don’t tell me none of you guys thought of that?”
If they were sober you might’ve been keener to keep your mouth shut, but you doubted any of them would remember anything the next morning. Waving your hands, you struggled to make your case.
“Mike’s got that weird facial hair. Hange’s a freak. Levi’s a brat. Commander Erwin’s tall and built. He’s frickin’ gorgeous. He’s obviously the best choice out of them.”
“Oh man,” Eld chuckled into his mug. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”
“Seriously. Not a goody two shoes like you. You’re even softer than Petra.”
“What do you mean by that? I could fuck the Commander if I wanted to! Stop acting like I can’t!” You were ready to spew out your qualifications before somebody cleared their throat behind the door. Paling, you turned around. It couldn’t be.
“C-Commander Erwin.” Your salute felt stiff.
“I’m glad you’re all enjoying yourselves, but keep it down. It’s late.” His piercing blue eyes swept over the room. It might’ve been your fear paralysis heightening your senses, but you could’ve sworn they lingered on you a half second more.
“Yessir. We’re sorry, Sir.”
“At ease, soldier.” He walked away, his footsteps receding. You collapsed into the nearest chair.
“Does somebody want to tell me what the fucking Commander is doing in our barracks?” you hissed. Everybody shrugged unanimously, looking just as shaken as you. He normally kept to his office while on leave. Out of all people to walk in on you, he was the absolute last you wanted to see.
“Hey, do you think he heard you?” Oluo asked, his thin lips pressed together in a poor effort to hold back a laugh. You punched him square in the jaw. God, you hoped not. You’d rather be eaten by a titan than try to explain yourself to him.
The next day, it was just a regular morning tending to your chores. You’d all but forgotten all about yesterday’s incident before a scout slipped into the room.
“Uh, is [Name] [Surname] here? Commander Erwin wants to see you in his office.”
I give my heart to humanity…