Chapter Text
When the alarm went off, Felix wasn’t sure if he was awake or not. He could hear the alarm from Changbin’s phone and people moving around the room and in the hall, but the sounds were distant and distorted like he was hearing them from underwater. Maybe he was drowning. That would explain why it was so hard to breathe. He was breathing. He knew he was by how much it hurt. He was underwater and something enormously heavy was slowly crushing his chest. He felt so heavy. His body pressed into the mattress beneath him, completely leaden. He couldn’t have moved if he wanted to, but he didn’t want to. He was so tired. He hoped he was asleep. He didn’t want to be awake if he was going to feel like this. He let himself drift.
Chan stumbled as he dropped out of the top bunk. Changbin had already collected his clothes and shuffled out the door to the bathroom, ready to join whoever was already in there or throw them out. Felix wasn’t up yet, but that was normal. Felix wasn’t much of a morning person, but neither was Chan. It usually took Chan so long to fall asleep that it was hard to give it up in the mornings. Felix always needed as much sleep as he could get. His seizures always took a lot out of him. Even his little daily absence seizures wore him out by the end of the day. On really, really good days when he only had a handful of absences, he still needed plenty of sleep, healthy food and exercise as much as he needed his medicine to stay healthy. Still, the alarm had gone off and it was time to wake up.
He moved over to Felix’s single bed on the other side of the room. The boy hadn’t stirred at all despite the lights and activity around him. He had the blankets pulled up over his head so that only a tuft of bleached blond hair was visible.
If Minho had been the one to wake him up, he would have yanked the covers away or laid down on top of Felix or tickled him awake. Chan was more gentle. He sat on the edge of the bed and was about to gently shake his friend awake, but he stiffened. The bed was wet.
He jumped up. Felix never had accidents like that except, occasionally, during big seizures, when he lost control of his bladder. Which meant that he’d had a seizure in his sleep. A big one. Chan jerked the blankets off Felix’s face and felt his heart stop in his chest.
Felix was pale, his nearly white hair blending in with his skin. His freckles stood out like splatters of ink, and his lips were tinged blue. His lips were blue . A pool of mostly dried vomit stained his pillow and dripped down the side of the mattress. There was vomit crusted in the corners of his mouth, and his lips were blue. He was so pale, so still, so wrong that Chan would have thought that he was dead if it weren’t for Felix’s loud, horrible breathing. He wheezed. His breath rattled in his chest as he struggled to take in air. His lips were blue .
“Someone call an ambulance! Call an ambulance!” Chan screamed. He grabbed Felix by both shoulders and shook him as roughly as dared. He was terrified of hurting him. “Felix! Wake up! Can you hear me? Wake up!” Felix’s head flopped limply on his neck.
Seungmin and Jeongin ran in “What happened?” Jeongin gasped, staring at Felix and the vomit.
“Seizure,” Seungmin guessed. His hands shook a little as he dialed. “He aspirated...”
The other members were coming in now, alerted by Chan’s screams, but he ignored them. All that mattered was Felix. He wasn’t waking up. Chan felt like he was the one who couldn’t breathe. “Felix, wake up. Please wake up. Come on. Don't do this.” Chan pulled one of Felix’s eyelids back. He could see the dark iris, and the pupil contracted in the light. His skin was burning.
“Felix,” Chan begged. “Can you hear me?” He tried to remember all of the seizure care he had learned way back when he first started getting close with Felix, long before their debut. If Felix thought he was about to seize, Chan could help by finding him a safe place to have his seizure, somewhere private and away from other people. He could clear a space around him and put something soft under his head when the seizure started so that he wouldn’t hurt himself. He could roll him onto his side and clear out his mouth for him if he vomited so he wouldn’t breathe it in and choke. But that had already happened, and Chan didn’t know what to do now.
Felix groaned, and the members crowded around the bed. Chan waved a hand over his shoulder, trying to get the others to give them some space.
“Felix? Are you awake?”
Felix groaned again then opened his eyes in slits. He blinked, but his eyes remained unfocused.
“Baby?” Hyunjin asked from the doorway.
“Hurts,” Felix whimpered. He coughed, a deep, wet, painful sound, and shut his eyes.
“Where’s that ambulance?” Chan reached under the blanket to hold Felix’s hand. His fingers were like ice.
“It’s coming,” Seungmin said. “It will be here soon.”
“You hear that?” Chan squeezed Felix’s hand, trying to keep him awake and alert. “Help is coming. You’ll be okay.”
Felix nodded minutely but kept his eyes closed. He squeezed Chan’s hand back. His grip was weak.
Chan looked at the other members. They all stood around in various states of readiness. Minho was the only one who was fully d ressed. Hyunjin had toothpaste smeared across his upper lip. Jeongin, Seungmin, and Changbin were still in their pajamas, and Jisung’s hair was wet and dripping onto his bare shoulders. They were supposed to have schedules that day. Seungmin and Hyunjin were expected to MC at different music show gigs. Chan was supposed to go to the gym for a pilates class before going to the studio. Felix had planned to bake cookies for the members and the managers. Now they were waiting for an ambulance because Felix’s lips were blue. Chan wanted to say something to the members, to Felix, to make all of this okay, but there was nothing to say, and it wasn’t okay.
Minho was the first one to move. “I’ll go downstairs and wait for the ambulance,” he volunteered. Seungmin trailed after him, still on the phone with emergency services.
Changbin was next. “Are you going to go with him?”
Chan nodded. He’d thought that was obvious.
“You need to get dressed. I’ll put a bag together for Lix.”
Changbin was right. He couldn’t go in his pajamas. He needed real clothes and shoes and his phone, but he didn’t want to leave Felix’s side. “Someone needs to call the managers,” he said. His voice was shaky but his tone was calm.
“I can do that,” Jisung said.
Chan gave Felix’s hand one last squeeze and let go to find some clothes. Hyunjin immediately took his place, kneeling on the floor in front of Felix and holding his hand.
Jeongin was the only one without a mission, and he stood awkwardly at the end of the bed, wringing his hands and looking on the verge of tears. “Innie,” Changbin called. “Can you help me get a bag ready for Lixie? See if you can find his fuzzy pajama pants. He likes those.”
As Chan bumbled around the room, trying not to panic as he found clothes and got his things together, he kept looking over at Felix. His eyes were half-open, and he blinked slowly up at Hyunjin, who was trying to keep him awake and engaged with his surroundings. Flakes of dried vomit stained the corners of his mouth and his chin an orangey-yellow. Once Jeongin had found Felix’s pajama pants, he and Hyunjin worked together to change him out of his wet underwear and shorts. Hyunjin kept talking to him to distract him, but Felix seemed too tired and too out of it to be embarrassed.
Felix was still awake when the paramedics arrived but wasn’t up for talking much. Chan, now dressed in a black hoodie and the first pair of clean jeans he could find, tried to answer their questions. He gave them Felix’s age and name and as much of his medical background as he could. He was epileptic though he hadn’t had a major seizure in three months. He couldn’t remember the name of Felix’s anticonvulsant but gave them the prescription bottle Jeongin had retrieved from the bathroom medicine cabinet. He thought that Felix might be allergic to penicillin, but he wasn’t sure. The younger boy was usually good about taking his medicine on a regular schedule, but Chan couldn’t say for sure that he hadn’t missed a dose here or there.
“Okay, Felix-ssi,” one of the paramedics addressed the barely conscious boy. “I can see that you’re having some trouble breathing, so I’m going to put an oxygen mask on you. It might not be very comfortable, but you need to leave it alone.”
Chan translated the paramedic’s words into English just in case Felix had trouble understanding Korean, but it didn’t seem to matter. Felix whined and turned his head away as the paramedic strapped the clear plastic mask over his mouth and nose.
Chan rubbed Felix’s arm. “It’s okay. I know, but we’re trying to help you.”
Felix narrowed his eyes and jerked his head to the side. Chan wasn’t sure how much he was understanding of what was going on.
“No,” he rasped as the paramedics carefully moved him to the stretcher. He flailed his arm out, gripping Chan’s wrist and tugging on it. His fingernails were still blue. He stared up at him pleadingly. “No.”
“I know you don't like it, but you have to go to the hospital. You might have vomit in your lungs,” Chan tried to explain. “I’m coming with you.” He looked at the paramedics. “I’m coming with you.”
The ambulance ride was uncomfortable for everyone. The back was cramped and overfull with all the medical equipment and three passengers. Chan had to wear gloves and a mask and wasn’t allowed to touch anything. He kept up a one-sided conversation with Felix. The boy was still somewhat responsive though the oxygen mask kept him from talking. He held Chan’s hand and squeezed it every few minutes.
“He’s seizing,” Chan reported as he noticed Felix’s eyes roll back slightly and his eyelids flutter.
The paramedic looked at Felix’s face. “Absence?”
“Yeah. He has those a lot.”
The man nodded.
Felix stiffened as he regained consciousness. Chan squeezed his hand again to center him. “You’re okay. You’re doing great. We’re almost there, right?”
“About two more minutes, Felix-ssi,” the paramedic confirmed.
A couple of nurses were waiting for them when they arrived, quickly whisking Felix and the paramedics away. Chan tried to follow him but was stopped by one of the ER nurses. “Only patients are allowed in the ER. You have to wait over there.” She directed him to a waiting area. Chan had no choice but to follow her instructions .
A small area of the large waiting room was sectioned off by blue tape on the floor. Folding chairs were set up in six-foot increments, though the other plastic chairs in the larger area of the room were closer together. Another nurse met him at the door and took his temperature with a scanner. A swab was stuck up his nose, and he took a seat while he waited for his test results. While he waited, he sent a message to the group chat he had with the members, letting them know that they’d made it to the hospital and that Felix had only had an absence seizure in the ambulance. He realized that he had forgotten to pick up the bag Changbin had packed. Hopefully, Felix wouldn’t miss his phone too much.
The main manager arrived and joined Chan in the waiting area while Chan was still waiting for his results. “How is he doing?”
Chan shrugged and rested his chin in his hands. “I don't know. He was awake, but I don't think he was totally aware. He wouldn’t talk except to say that his chest hurt. He tried to fight off the paramedics.”
“That’s not like him,” the manager said.
“No,” Chan agreed. “He must have been so confused. He woke up in a wet bed unable to breathe with vomit all over the place.”
“Poor kid,” the manager sighed. “I’ve left a message for Park-nim already. I’m sure he’ll call Felix’s family to let them know what’s going on.”
Chan nodded.
A few minutes later, both Chan and the manager were cleared and allowed to move to the larger waiting area.
“How long do you think he’ll have to be here?” Chan asked as they settled into their new chairs.
“I’m not sure. He’s never aspirated during a seizure before, so I don't really know what they need to do. If they’re able to clear everything out, he might go home this afternoon, but we don't know when he had the seizure, so there’s no telling how long that gunk has been sitting in his lungs. If he has an infection, he’ll probably have to stay for a few days.”
“If that’s the case, we’ll have to bring his things over for him. Binnie packed a bag for him, but I didn’t grab it. There probably wouldn’t have been room for it in the ambulance anyway.”
“Let’s see what the doctor says first,” said the manager.
They had to wait for over two hours before the doctor came to talk to them. She was a small woman with short, graying hair and a harried expression. She led them to her office to talk.
“Is Felix okay?” the manager asked.
“He’s stable,” the doctor said. “He had a complex partial seizure during testing, but he’s been awake and talking. He’s still having some trouble breathing, so we have him on a cannula for now. We took some X-rays to confirm, but we’ve diagnosed him with aspiration pneumonia. There is a significant infection in the right lung, but we have him started on a course of fairly strong antibiotics. Unfortunately, these antibiotics don't typically mix well with anticonvulsants, so for now, we’ve taken him off of them until he’s done with the antibiotics.”
“Isn’t that dangerous?” Chan interrupted. “Sorry, it’s just that he’s here because of a seizure. He’ll have more of them if he doesn’t take his medicine.”
“That’s true,” the doctor allowed, “but since, according to his medical history, Felix-ssi mostly has absence seizures, taking him off his usual medicine shouldn’t place him in any immediate danger. We have him connected to a monitor to alert us if he has another grand mal while he’s here.”
“When do you think he’ll be able to leave?” asked the manager.
“Normally I would like to keep pneumonia patients for a few days in case of complications. However, Felix-ssi is very susceptible to other diseases right now because of his condition. Given our present situation, the hospital is not the best place for him to recover. I see that you have both been cleared. Does Felix live with you?”
“He lives with me and six others, but we’re all healthy,” Chan said.
“You would all need to be tested and cleared before I could release him to you. I can make a testing appointment for them this afternoon?” At the manager’s nod, she made a note and stuck it to her phone. “I want to keep him overnight to see how he responds to the antibiotics. If everyone is cleared and the night goes well, I can send him home with you tomorrow. Everyone who will be staying with him will need to quarantine with him until he recovers, so no work or school.”
Chan glanced at the manager, expecting some sort of argument, but he just nodded. “That’s fine.”
“Also,” the doctor continued, “if his seizures get out of control or if he goes into status, you should bring him back in. You may also consider making an appointment with his neurologist once he recovers. He may have outgrown his current dosage, which would explain the uncharacteristic grand mal.”
“Can we see him?” Chan asked.
“We have reduced visiting hours right now. Patients can have one visitor an hour for ten minutes, but I’ll tell his nurse to let you both in.”
Felix had been moved to a private room on the second floor. The nurse allowed both men to see him but insisted that they go in one at a time. The manager went first so that he could let him know what the plan going forward would be. Chan rubbed his eyes and was surprised to find them wet. He hated when his members were sick or hurt. Logically he knew that it wasn’t his fault and that these things happened, but Chan still felt responsible, especially where Felix was concerned. He’d always been protective of Felix since he first met him. The boy was so sweet and lovable that Chan couldn’t help but love him. To have him so sick hurt Chan’s heart. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He couldn’t let Felix see him cry; it would only make things worse.
“How is he?” Chan asked when the manager came out of the room.
“He’s upset,” the manager sighed. “He wants to go home. I tried to explain to him that he had to stay, but he’s not having it.”
“But he’s coherent and everything?” Chan clarified. “I’ll talk to him.”
Felix’s room was small, but it was clean and private. Felix was propped up in the bed and covered up with a light woven blanket. An IV was connected to his arm and a pulse oximeter was clipped to his finger. Chan tried not to stare at the electrodes stuck onto his head. Instead, he focused on Felix’s lips. They were pink.
“Hey, mate.”
“They’re saying I have to stay,” Felix said, forgoing a greeting.
“I know,” Chan said, sitting down on the foot of the bed. Closer, he could see the bright spots on Felix’s cheeks and the sweat at his temples. He wondered how high his fever was.
“I want to go home with you,” Felix went on. “Don't make me stay here by myself.”
“We’re working on getting you home. There are some things we have to do first,” Chan said. “The others have to get covid tested, and we have to go grocery shopping and clean the dorm before you come home. You have to be observed for a while to make sure you don't have a bad reaction to the antibiotics. Then you’re coming home.”
“I don't want to stay here,” Felix restated, disregarding Chan’s explanation. Chan wasn’t sure if he’d had an absence and missed it or if he was just ignoring it.
“I know, I know.” He took Felix’s hand. “It’s just for a little while. When the others come to get tested, they’ll visit you and bring you your phone and we can talk all night if you want. It’s only for one night.”
Felix shook his head, his eyes bright with fever and glossy with tears. “I don't like this.”
“Me neither. We just have to get through it.”
Felix stared at his phone, waiting for a new message to appear in the group chat. He didn’t get to see everyone when they came that afternoon for testing, but Seungmin and Jisung had been allowed to visit and drop off his overnight bag and phone. At first, there had been plenty of messages to keep him entertained and occupied as his symptoms became more noticeable. The coughing was the worst. He’d been so out of it from the seizure when he first arrived that he hadn’t really noticed what he was feeling. He had a pounding headache and bone-deep ache and fatigue throughout his body. He coughed so hard he gagged. The nurse had given him something for the pain but not for the cough, claiming that he needed to cough to clear the mucus from his lungs, so his cough had been getting progressively worse throughout the afternoon and evening.
Felix scrolled back through the group chat. Everyone made sure to include him as much as possible. Minho asked if there was anything he wanted from the grocery store. Hyunjin complained in detail about how uncomfortable the testing process was. Jeongin took pictures of Felix’s stuffed animals in the washing machine, announcing that it was bathtime. Changbin video called him from the closet where he was hiding from Chan’s cleaning efforts, only to be found by Seungmin, who chased him around the dorm, spraying him with disinfectant.
Now though the chat was quiet as the members went to bed. It was late and Felix was beyond tired, but was too uncomfortable to sleep. “Is anyone still up?” Felix asked.
“Not these two” Jisung replied. A few seconds later, Felix got a photo of Jeongin and Hyunjin sacked out on the couch, Jeongin sitting up with his mouth hanging open and Hyunjin starfished across his lap. Felix grinned and started to type out a reply, but then he blinked and his phone was gone and a nurse was standing over him, saying something.
“What?”
“There you are. Are you feeling alright?”
Felix tried to answer but was cut off by a coughing fit. The nurse messed with something at the side of his bed, and the mattress moved beneath him, forcing him to sit up.
She handed him his water bottle once the attack died down. “You’re okay. Your oxygen levels still look pretty okay. We might go ahead and do your breathing exercises now.”
“Did I have a seizure?” Felix asked once his lungs no longer felt like they were trying to eject themselves out of his mouth.
“A little one. Complex partial. It didn’t last very long. How are you feeling?”
“Headache. I think I dropped my phone.”
The nurse looked around the bed and found Feli x ’s phone. Instead of giving it back to him, she plugged it into its charger across the room. She took the spirometer from the table beside Felix’s bed, and Felix bit back a groan.
He hated this thing. He was supposed to be able to inhale through the mouthpiece on the plastic tube and move the disc in it all the way to the top. So far, Felix could only get it to move to the halfway mark before he had to stop to cough. Still, he moved to the edge of the bed and accepted the device. He couldn’t see how much the disc moved and if the nurse told him, he wasn’t able to hear it over the deep, painful coughing that ensued. The nurse replaced the spirometer with a handful of tissues. Felix spat a glob of mucus into them and leaned back into his pillows, sweaty and disgusted.
“Good job,” the nurse encouraged. “Keep drinking your water, and I’ll get you something for your headache.”
Felix nodded and took a sip from his bottle. He choked on it a little as another coughing fit threatened to overtake him.
The nurse brought back what looked like regular ibuprofen, which Felix swallowed gratefully. “You should try to get some rest,” the nurse advised. “Sleep will help you heal.” She turned the lights off, leaving a dim light on by the bed as she left.
With his phone still across the room, Felix settled down to try to sleep. Morning and his release would come sooner if he slept. However, sleep didn’t come easily. He had to sleep sitting up to help him breathe. He couldn’t sleep on his side or his stomach like he usually did. He didn’t have anyone or anything to hold while he slept. Every time he got close to nodding off, he would be disturbed by a coughing fit or fever chills. Nurses came in every couple of hours to check on him and record his vitals or to force him to use the hated spirometer. By the time morning finally dawned, he was exhausted.
A nurse brought him a tray of food from the cafeteria. “Good morning! Are you ready for breakfast?”
Felix tried to answer but was interrupted by a round of coughing, followed by an absence seizure. When he blinked back into awareness, she was gone. The breakfast was simple: just rice and eggs in a bowl with some sliced fruit on the side. Felix wasn’t remotely hungry and was actually a bit nauseated, but he still poked at it. He got about halfway through the rice when another coughing episode made him gag. He pressed his palm over his mouth and swallowed hard. He didn’t want to throw up. The doctor might decide to keep him longer if he couldn’t keep his food down. He managed to keep himself from vomiting but didn’t try to eat anymore. He pushed the tray and its table away and pulled the thin blanket up around his shoulders to wait for someone to bring him home.
He sat and stared at the door for about an hour until his manager arrived, followed by his doctor.
“Good morning, Felix-ssi,” the doctor greeted. “How are you feeling this morning?”
Felix bowed as much as he could while seated. “I’m okay. Tired. Ready to go home.”
The doctor laughed. “I’m sure. Let me take a look at you and see if I can’t get you out of here.”
The doctor looked over his chart and reviewed the EKG readings before checking his glands and listening to his heart and lungs. She asked a few questions as she worked. He hadn’t noticed any tightness in his throat or any itchiness. He had a headache, but it wasn’t too bad. He had some body aches, but no more than he’d had the day before.
“Okay!” The doctor clicked her pen closed and put it in her pocket. “I know that you’re still likely not feeling so well, but your vitals are up. Your oxygen saturation is much better than it was when you arrived, though I’d still like to send you home with a portable oxygen tank just in case. The biggest seizures you’ve had have been partial complex, so no grand mals or tonic-clonics, which is great. As your usual anticonvulsant works its way out of your system, you may have more absences and partial complex seizures than usual, so don't be alarmed if you find yourself having more than you’re used to. You seem to be responding well to the antibiotics, so I’ll keep you on those and I’ll give you some steroids to help you get through this faster. Remember to finish the entire course of antibiotics even if you start feeling better.”
“So he can go home this morning?” the manager clarified.
“Yes, but remember to take it easy,” the doctor warned. “Get plenty of rest and drink lots of water. He shouldn’t be working or overexerting himself for at least ten days,” she told the manager. “Stay away from people as much as you can. Your roommates should be okay to be around, though. Their tests all came back negative.” She clicked her pen again. “Right. Let’s get it going. I’ll send out your prescriptions and send your nurse in to give you your steroid shot and help you get ready to leave. And sir, if you’ll come with me, we’ll get you started on the discharge paperwork.”
Felix wasn’t great with needles, but he didn’t complain at all during his shot. He kept quiet as the nurse disconnected the EKG machine and removed the annoying electrodes from his scalp, letting the nurse do all the talking. He didn’t bother trying to keep track of the conversation. His mostly sleepless night was catching up with him as he noticed himself falling in and out of absences. One moment the nurse was next to him, removing the nasal cannula, and the next she was across the room, unplugging his phone charger from the outlet for him, seemingly without any time passing between the two events.
“Do you want any help changing?” she asked.
“No, thank you.” Felix definitely felt much weaker than normal, but he didn’t want a stranger watching him get dressed, even if she was a professional. He pushed the blankets down and got out of bed for the first time since he arrived. He immediately started to cough and had to brace himself with the bed to keep from falling over. The coughs were deep and harsh and painful. Without thinking, he spat a globule of mucus into his bare hand.
Suddenly, the nurse was at his side, holding his shoulder and forearm. “It’s okay,” she was quick to reassure him. “Let’s go wash your hands.” She forcefully escorted him to the adjoining bathroom and turned on the sink faucet. She pumped a dollop of soap into his hands for him. “There you go.”
“Thanks,” Felix mumbled, embarrassed. He stared at his hands so that he didn’t have to look at her.
“Is your change of clothes still in your bag? I’ll get that for you. I’ll be out here, so call me if you need any help.”
Alone, Felix took a deep breath, frowning when he felt it crackled in his chest. He tried to avoid looking the mirror as he changed out of his hospital gown and the fuzzy pajama pants he’d been wearing and into the joggers and hoodie his friends had packed for him. He already knew that he looked terrible, and the harsh fluorescent lighting wasn’t doing him any favors. His skin looked positively gray and flaky, and the skin under his nose and eyes and in the corners of his mouth was an irritated red. His eyes were swollen and sunken from lack of sleep, and his bleached hair was oily at the root.
“Are you okay in there?” the nurse called.
Felix stuffed his old clothes into his bag and opened the door. “I’m fine. Ready to go.”