Archive of Our Own ^beta

"What is straight people's obsession with marriage?"

Changsub, in the midst of reaching for the wine bottle, raises an eyebrow.

Kibum sighs. He's not drunk enough for this conversation, but he's apparently tipsy enough to start it anyway. Possibly he's just stupid.

"Or actually just weddings," he says, resting his elbow on the table so he can lean forward and peer into Changsub's face. "What's their obsession with weddings?"

Changsub squints back at him. "Huh?"

"Straight people. Weddings," Kibum repeats, more slowly this time in the hopes Changsub will be able to keep up. "You're a straight people. Why does your kind like weddings so much?"

Changsub barks a sudden, surprised laugh. "My kind?" he echoes, both of his eyebrows disappearing behind his bangs.

"Yes," Kibum groans, dropping back more fully into his chair in exasperation. "Straight people. Like you. Your kind."

Changsub makes a face. "I don’t think it’s a ‘straight people’ thing," he remarks, tipping wine into Kibum's glass. "I’m pretty sure liking weddings is just a people thing. I don’t know what your problem is."

"Ugh," Kibum scoffs, his eyes fixed on the golden liquid sloshing around in the bowl of his wine glass. "It just seems like a lot of trouble and wasted money for something that probably won't last anyway."

"I don't know how I can possibly still be surprised by you having a pessimistic opinion about something," Changsub says, setting the wine bottle back on the table.

Kibum immediately grabs the bottle himself, pouring a little more sauvignon blanc into his glass. "Relationships are hard," he explains, gesturing with the neck of the bottle. "People are messy. But everyone's always in such a hurry to get married. And then, a few years later, they realize they don't actually like each other that much, but now they have a kid and a house and their family registries are connected so they don't want to risk the shame and ridicule of divorce so they just..." He trails off with a sad shake of his head, waving his hand vaguely. "Stay together forever, miserable."

Changsub blinks back at him skeptically. "What happened to you?" he asks with faux-concern. "You're so morose about literally everything."

"I'm just a realist," Kibum replies, picking up his glass by the stem. "Getting caught up in romance makes a person stupid."

"This is about Minho, isn't it?"

Kibum sputters as he attempts to take a sip of his wine. "Shut up," he demands, wiping his mouth with a napkin. "I'm over that now, remember?"

"Oh right," Changsub says, not sounding sincere in the slightest. "I forgot you're pretending you're not in love with him anymore."

"I'm not pretending," Kibum snaps. "And I wasn't ever in love with him. He's just a dumb boy with really, really good abs and great teeth. I'm a warm-blooded gay man, I can't be expected to resist all of that."

"I seem to remember quite a few late night conversations that were about a lot more than his abs," Changsub mutters.

"The point I'm trying to make here," Kibum says tersely, "is that marriage is stupid. And weddings are stupider." He pauses to punctuate his statement with a hefty swallow of wine. "You won't catch me falling for any of that bullshit."

Changsub nods once slowly, expression softly amused. "So you're just going to die alone then?"

"No," Kibum answers immediately, annoyed by the smug look on Changsub's face. "I'll have my dogs."

Changsub snorts a laugh. "Are you planning to die before they do? Or do you know some sort of witchcraft to make them live forever?" The corner of his mouth quirks up in a half grin. "Actually that wouldn’t even surprise me."

"You're being pedantic," Kibum scolds. "Stop it. No one likes that."

"Fine, I believe you," Changsub relents, sitting up in his seat and picking up his wine glass. "No love or marriage for Kim Kibum. He only needs himself. Got it," he finishes, tipping his glass toward Kibum before taking a drink.

"I suppose you have all sorts of grand plans for finding some woman who will cook and clean and take care of you like your mother," Kibum replies derisively. "Typical. Just like every other straight man I know."

"You're being a dick. Stop it, no one likes that," Changsub counters, tone mocking. "But sure, yeah, I want to get married. Not necessarily to someone like my mother, but I think I’d like sharing my life with someone."

Kibum scowls. "Sounds terrible."

"Honestly, I used to almost agree with you," Changsub admits. "It's a big thing, and I wasn’t interested in that much commitment."

"That sounds like you."

Changsub gives Kibum a dirty look. "Anyway," he goes on, "since then I realized I'm sort of already committed to someone. And I like the idea of having them around for the rest of my life."

He pauses, huffing a strange, little laugh. "Actually, I sort of hate thinking about having to live without them."

Kibum's not sure if it's because of the wine, but Changsub's not making any sense. Kibum knows for a fact Changsub is single, was single before he enlisted. Kibum supposes Changsub could have a girlfriend he's intentionally not told Kibum about, but the chances of that seem pretty low. Especially considering how terrible Changsub is at keeping secrets, particularly when he's drunk.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Changsub wrinkles his nose. "Huh?"

"You don't have a girlfriend," Kibum replies, sitting forward in his seat. "I spent way too many of my precious waking hours with you over the last year and a half, I would know if you had a girlfriend."

And then, suddenly, it dawns on Kibum; maybe Changsub's not talking about a person at all.

"Or, wait, fuck. You don't mean Jesus do you?"

"Jesus? What–?"

"Like those people who are 'married to the church,'" he says, leveling Changsub with a scrutinizing stare. "Are you going to be one of those people, Changsub?"

Changsub throws back his head and lets out a loud, obnoxious cackle. "I don't want to marry the church!" he exclaims, wheezing. "I'm talking about Eunkwang!"

Kibum sits back with enough force it makes his head spin for a few seconds. "Eunkwang?" he repeats, feeling like he's had his chair pulled out from underneath him. "I know we've had a lot of wine, but I have to tell you... He's not a girl," he says seriously, blinking at Changsub. "And you're like the straightest straight boy I've ever met."

"I know he's not a girl," Changsub replies, still breathless from laughing as he wipes wetness from the corner of his eye. "But we've been close forever, we work well together. He's my best friend, I'd do anything for him."

Kibum's not sure why, but this whole thing is starting to piss him off. He crosses his arms over his chest with a huff. "Including keeping him sexually satisfied?"

Changsub seems entirely unfazed. "Marriage isn't just about sex."

"But sex is part of it. Do you plan to just be celibate for the rest of your life?" Kibum asks, not bothering to hide the bitterness in his tone. "Fuck, it basically is like you're marrying Jesus."

"Look," Changsub says, finally starting to look a little annoyed, "I don't know if he'd want to have sex with me, if he'd even want to marry me in the first place. It's not like I've told him about any of this. But it wouldn't be..."

Changsub sighs, sagging back in his seat. "Okay. If I tell you something, you have to promise me you won't tell anyone else, ever. Not even your members. Especially not Taemin."

"Holy shit, are you dying from cancer or something?" Kibum blurts, genuinely unnerved by how earnest Changsub is suddenly being.

Changsub sighs again, rolling his eyes wearily, and Kibum waves his hands in front of himself in surrender. "Okay, okay, I promise. I won't tell a single soul, as long as I live," he says, offering his pinky to Changsub to seal the deal.

Changsub hesitates for a few seconds, lips pressed flat across his face, but finally relents, hooking his pinky around Kibum's then pressing their thumbs together. "Now..." Kibum exclaims, releasing Changsub's hand and rubbing his palms together. "Tell me your dirty secret."

Changsub leans forward over the table, dropping his voice to a whisper. "Back before debut, and for a little bit right after... Eunkwang and I used to mess around."

Kibum can feel his eyebrows climb up his forehead; he isn't sure what he was expecting, but this definitely wasn't it. "Mess around," he repeats. "Meaning what exactly?"

"You know," Changsub replies with a shrug. "Mess around."

"I honestly have no idea what straight boys consider messing around," Kibum deadpans. "It could just be, I don't know, watching porn when your roommate is in the room or something."

"We did that too," Changsub replies with a smirk. "But we also kissed each other."

Kibum picks up his glass. "Wow. Sexy," he remarks flatly, taking a deep drink of his wine.

"It was sexy," Changsub insists with a scowl. "We kissed while we got ourselves off. Once we kissed and got each other off. After that, we stopped."

Kibum arches an eyebrow. "Gay panic?"

"It was too much," Changsub replies, ignoring Kibum's quip. "We were kids, the group was struggling. I couldn't deal with what it meant, wanting to keep doing it. Maybe he couldn't either."

"You didn't talk about it?" Kibum asks, Changsub's solemn response sobering him a little.

"Of course we didn't," Changsub replies with a grimace. "Don't look at me like that. We both know you suck as much as I do at communicating that kind of stuff."

"I can't believe you've touched someone else's dick," Kibum says, feeling a strange desire to lighten the mood. "I need to get my straight-dar fixed."

"I'm straight," Changsub says, but then the corner of his mouth quirks up. "Mostly."

"Yeah, I didn't clock the mostly," Kibum replies. "The Army must have broken me more than I thought."

"It definitely broke me," Changsub confirms. "I just told a person I'm pretty sure has actually blackmailed people something that could ruin my career and my most important friendship all at once."

Kibum sputters a laugh. "You're drunk."

"We're both drunk."

"I'm not going to blackmail you!" Kibum insists.

Changsub leans back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. "You say that now..."

"I'll prove it," Kibum replies; it's probably the wine, but making this point sudden seems very important. "I'll... I'll tell you a secret, too," he decides with a firm nod. "Something you can use to blackmail me back."

He pauses to take a deep breath then blow it out evenly, steeling himself for the admission he's about to make.

"I'm still in love with Minho."

Changsub snorts. "I knew that already."

"No you didn't," Kibum counters, insistent. "I told you I was over him. You thought I was over him."

"I knew you were full of shit," Changsub says. "I just pretended to believe you. Because I'm a good friend."

"Oh yeah?" Kibum replies, raising his eyebrows. "If you're such a good friend, tell me how I'm supposed to go to a wedding when he's going to be there with his pretty girlfriend. Huh? How can I go to this thing and sit there, alone and pathetic and still fucking in love with him, and watch him be all handsome and romantic with someone else?"

Kibum's breathless when he finishes speaking, heart-achy. Somehow he's managed to avoid facing his feelings about this head-on until just now, enough booze in his system to shake him off his feet.

Changsub's mouth turns down in a sympathetic frown. "Wait, whose wedding is this?"

Kibum sighs. "Nam Euisoo."

"Your manager Nam Euisoo?" Changsub says, his eyes going wide. "The one Taemin's always saying is going to be alone forever?"

"Yes," Kibum answers, pounding both fists on the table dramatically. "And I can't just not go. Not after everything that poor man's put up with the last year and a half, being Taemin's slave."

Changsub laughs. "Are you sure Minho's bringing a date? He literally just got out of the Marines."

"Minho always has a girlfriend," Kibum replies woefully. "He's gorgeous and rich and nice. He's had girls flocking around him since he was seventeen. And I can't even blame them."

"So take a date of your own," Changsub suggests. "Bring a really hot guy, make Minho jealous."

"I don't think it would actually work that way," Kibum says, heaviness settling in the pit of his stomach. "He'd have to be interested in me in the first place. Which he's not."

Changsub frowns. "So take a really hot guy anyway," he says with a shrug. "Then you won't have to go alone and you'll have something nice to look at."

Kibum laughs despite himself. "I appreciate that you think I can just go out and acquire a hot date for my manager's wedding."

"Why can't you?" Changsub asks. "You're SHINee Key. Doesn't SM have people on retainer for that kind of thing?"

"Maybe if I was looking for a woman," Kibum says. "This wedding has to be low key as it is. We're trying to avoid sasaengs and fansites showing up and causing a ruckus."

Changsub snickers. "Did you just say 'ruckus?'"

"Aren't we trying to cheer me up right now?"

"Sorry, sorry," Changsub replies, doing his best to sober his expression. "Okay, what about this," he continues, pausing to take a sip of his wine. "Take me as your date."

Kibum bursts out laughing, so hard he bangs his knee on the underside of the table. "Ow, thank you," he wheezes, reaching down to rub at his sore kneecap. "That's exactly what I needed."

"Ha ha," Changsub mutters, deadpan. "I was being serious."

"Fuck, really?" Kibum asks, still chuckling.

"Why not?" Changsub challenges, sitting up in his seat. "It's better than going alone. I'll even pretend to be your boyfriend if you want."

"No," Kibum replies immediately.

Changsub looks almost disappointed. "No you don't want me to go or no you don't want me to be your boyfriend?"

"Both," Kibum answers. "No one would ever believe you were my boyfriend."

"What, not hot enough for you?" Changsub scoffs. "Do I need to take my shirt off and show you my abs? Because I will," he goes on, looking down at his own stomach like he's actually considering it.

"I've seen your abs," Kibum reminds him urgently; the last thing he needs is to get kicked out of his favorite bar. "And you're perfectly attractive. You're just not my type. No offense."

Changsub wrinkles his nose in a sneer. "Full offense, you're not mine either."

"That's because I'm not Eunkwang," Kibum states simply.

"And I'm not Minho," Changsub fires back.

"No," Kibum replies. "You're not." He takes a breath, exhaling a heavy sigh. "It's not that I don't appreciate the offer. I've just been pretending I don't have feelings for him long enough I'm sure I'll be fine. Though you might get some petty KaTalk messages from me if I drink enough champagne," he finishes with a smirk.

"I think I'll be disappointed if I don't," Changsub replies with a grin of his own.

//

"I know, I'm excited, too," Minho says, his voice sweet and fond. "I'm so glad it's finally happening."

Kibum isn't eavesdropping on purpose, or at least it didn't start that way. If anything it's Minho's fault for taking a phone call in the practice room; the acoustics make it impossible to not overhear every word he's saying. Even from out in the hallway.

"I keep forgetting to ask, what color is your dress?" Minho asks, and if Kibum wasn't sure before, he is now; Minho is definitely talking to his girlfriend. And pretty obviously about Euisoo's wedding. "I'm just curious," Minho says, tone coy. "I might have a special surprise in mind."

Kibum has to physically restrain himself from gagging. He's never understood why straight people are always so gross and syrupy when they're in romantic relationships with each other.

"What color green?" Minho asks. "Like minty or mossy? Mossy is so a color!" he insists with a laugh. "Is that darker than mint? Ah, okay okay, I think I know what you mean. Just in case, maybe you should send me a picture."

Kibum's head hurts. Minho is such a boy. He's always been that way, like a kind-hearted jock, kind of dumb, very gentlemanly. He's the type of guy Kibum actively avoided in high school, popular and handsome and a little arrogant, nice to look at but lacking in the personality department.

Of course not all of that is true anymore, and Kibum had his fair share of arrogance too, back when they were still kids. The turbulence that existed between them at the beginning is well known, but it feels so far away now, like it was from another lifetime.

Kibum honestly has no idea when he went from despising Minho to liking him, trusting him, considering him a friend. Likewise, he can't pinpoint the moment their friendship shifted for him and became something deeper. It all just happened without him really noticing until it got big enough he couldn't ignore it anymore.

"Yup, I'm still coming to pick you up," Minho says, and when Kibum chances a glance through the crack in the door he sees Minho standing near the mirror by the stereo, an affectionate smile on his face. "Of course I will," he goes on, his grin widening. "Don't forget to send the picture, okay? Okay good, thank you. I love you."

Kibum's breath catches in his throat and he jerks away from the doorway, pressing his back to the wall beside it. Logically he knew Minho probably loved his girlfriend, especially if they stayed together through his military service, but knowing it and hearing it confirmed are two different things.

It obviously doesn't change anything; Minho would still be straight even if he wasn't currently in love with a woman. And it isn't like Kibum wants Minho to be single and lonely. It's not Minho's fault Kibum's stupid heart picked him of all people to fall in love with.

The heart in question leaps into Kibum's throat as he hears Minho's footsteps approaching the door. Maybe it's embarrassing for a thirty year old man to scramble down the hall and duck into a dark vocal practice room to avoid his bandmate, but it's better than a thirty year old man getting caught eavesdropping like a weirdo.

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, Kibum types out two quick KaTalk messages: one to Taemin, asking him to ask Euisoo to change his wedding RSVP to include a plus one, and the other to Changsub.

He gets a reply from Changsub in less than a minute.

//

"So how friendly should I be with you?"

Kibum opens his eyes from where he's been attempting to find his calm center, Changsub sitting next to him in the backseat. They're about ten minutes away from the wedding venue, and Kibum's doing everything he can to not start freaking out. He raises an eyebrow. "Friendly?"

"Yeah," Changsub says. "Do you want me to do boyfriend stuff like hold your hand or put my arm around you?"

Kibum cringes at the words 'boyfriend stuff' before he can stop himself. "Let's just stick to normal skinship," he says, closing his eyes again. "Don't overthink it."

"But we're supposed to be a couple," Changsub insists. "We should probably at least decide when we started dating."

Kibum sighs, blinking his eyes into focus on Changsub's face. "Okay," he relents. "How about that night at the wine bar. When you finally bought me the drinks you owed me for saving your ass in the Army."

"That sounds good," Changsub agrees. "We can say the wine finally made you able to confess how attracted you are to me."

Kibum briefly considers opening the car door and throwing himself out. "How about instead we say we got close while we were serving together and your annoying personality finally grew on me."

"But also you're attracted to me," Changsub persists, pursing his lips. "I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to save you from looking like a loser in front of the guy you like. You owe me at least this much."

Kibum huffs in frustration. "Fine. I'm attracted to you. You're so rugged and manly and sexy. Happy?"

Changsub grins. "I am, actually."

"Fantastic," Kibum replies. "Now shut up and let me find my fucking chi."

//

"It's been a while since I've snuck in through the back entrance," Changsub muses as they're lead to a bank of private elevators by a hotel security guard.

"Please tell me that's not a euphemism," Kibum groans.

Changsub snorts. "I mean, I am dating a man now," he says. "The back entrance is my only option."

"Never say that again," Kibum replies as they're ushered onto an elevator.

"Aww, am I embarrassing you?" Changsub teases, rubbing a couple circles into the center of Kibum's back with his palm. "Don't worry, honey. I won't talk about our sex life in front of your friends."

"You're loving this, aren't you?" Kibum says, ducking away from Changsub's groping.

"Absolutely," Changsub answers gleefully. "I get to mess with you, which is fun as hell."

"I'm glad at least one of us is enjoying himself," Kibum mutters.

Changsub gives Kibum a sympathetic smile. "I know you hate weddings, but there are way worse things you could be doing with a Friday evening. We could still be on active duty, polishing the floors or something."

"You make a good point," Kibum admits begrudgingly.

"And," Changsub adds, leaning in and lowering his voice conspiratorially, "there will be booze."

A smile curves Kibum's lips. "How do you always know exactly what to say to cheer me up?"

Changsub shrugs as the elevator stops at their floor, the doors sliding open. "I'm a great boyfriend."

Kibum opens his mouth to wreck Changsub with a witty denial, but, as they approach the door attendant to present their invitation, he manages to somehow lock eyes with Minho where he's standing with Jinki and Sodam just inside the reception hall. So, instead, he does the first thing that comes to mind.

He reaches down and grabs Changsub's hand.

"I thought we weren't doing this?" Changsub says.

"Shh," Kibum hisses at him, passing the invitation in his other hand to the attendant then practically dragging Changsub inside. His heart is hammering in his chest by the time they cross the three meters between the door and where the others are standing, his insides roiling like his guts are full of snakes.

Jinki smiles when he turns to greet them, expression delighted. "Changsub," he chirps. "I had no idea Kibum was bringing you as his plus one."

Changsub beams, holding his hand up by his mouth like he's about to share a secret. His tone is hushed but cheerful when he says, "I'm his date."

"Really?" Minho replies, his attention on Kibum; even just the sound of that one word makes Kibum's stomach tighten.

"Mhm," Changsub confirms with a single, firm nod. "Once I saw him in that ROK Army band dress uniform, I was smitten."

Minho smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. "He has always looked good in red."

"That's great," Jinki says, seeming genuinely happy to hear the news. "I'm sorry for sounding so surprised. I guess I didn't know you, uh. That you..."

"Liked men?" Changsub offers, his eyebrows lifting.

"Yeah," Jinki says, huffing an embarrassed laugh.

"To be fair, it's really only one man," Changsub says, squeezing Kibum's hand.

Kibum doesn't realize he's been holding his breath until he releases a shaky sigh. "That one man is a lucky guy," he says, hoping his smile looks genuine because his face is so numb he can't actually tell.

Minho doesn't smile back this time. He just looks right at Kibum like he doesn't know what to say, expression somber, disappointed. Hurt. Kibum feels crushed by the weight of Minho's gaze, something like guilt rising in the back of his throat like bile.

"But where's your date?" Kibum stumbles on, desperate to lessen the tension. He slaps Minho's forearm, trying for playful but feeling like a broken marionette. "Hyojin or, wait, I remember, Hyojung, right?"

Minho's brow furrows. "Do you mean Hyojoo?"

"Yes! Right, yes, Hyojoo. I remembered the Hyo part at least," he says, laughing brittlely. "She get bored of you already?"

Minho takes a deep, measured breath. "Hyojoo and I broke up before I enlisted."

"Wait, but what about–" Kibum starts before he catches himself and snapping his mouth shut. As curious as he is about the phone call he overheard, he really doesn't have the energy today to try and defend his creepy stalker behavior. "You broke up with her?"

"Yes," Minho replies. "Things weren't that serious between us and it didn't seem fair to make her wait for me."

"So you're here alone?" Changsub asks, turning to give Kibum a significant look.

Minho's smile is wan. "Yup."

"Wait, you don't have a date either?" Taemin says as he joins the group.

"Either?" Jinki repeats. "How on Earth did you not manage to find someone to bring?"

Taemin sighs dramatically. "Well I couldn't ask Jongin or Wonsik or Moongyu, because I'd have to pick who to ask first and then the other two would find out and be mad at me for playing favorites. And Jimin... You know why I can't ask him. So I asked Ten, but he completely rejected me."

"Isn't today his debut anniversary?" Minho points out. "I'm pretty sure I saw the NCT guys tweeting about it earlier."

"Well, yeah," Taemin replies. "But they'll have other debut anniversaries. This is Nam Euisoo's only wedding day! A day we thought would never come! And here I am, his favorite person in the world, at his wedding without a date."

"I would argue his soon to be wife is probably his favorite person," Jinki asserts.

Taemin levels Jinki with an indignant glare. "Agree to disagree."

"We could go as each other's dates," Minho offers. "What do you think?"

Taemin's eye light up, his mouth twitching as he tries to contain a grin. "If it will make you feel less lonely," he says. "I guess I could be your date."

Minho smiles, wide and warm, enough that his eyes crinkle at the corners. Enough to make Kibum's heart ache with longing.

"Should we go find our seats?" Sodam asks, looking at each of them in turn but ending with her eyes on Kibum. Her gaze is kind, gentle in the same way her brother's had been. Jonghyun had always been able to read Kibum, even when he tried his hardest to mask his true feelings. It wouldn't surprise him in the slightest if Sodam could do the same.

"Good idea," Taemin answers. "It's a special day! I don't want to miss anything."

Jinki and Sodam lead the way to the ballroom where the ceremony is being held, Taemin and Minho following next with Changsub and Kibum taking up the rear. "Do you think they believed it?" Changsub whispers, wrapping his arm around Kibum's waist so he can bend his mouth closer to Kibum's ear.

"Jinki did," Kibum murmurs back. "And Taemin didn't even notice we were holding hands."

"What about Minho?" Changsub asks. "And he's single. Did he not tell you he broke up with his girlfriend?"

"No," Kibum huffs, thinking again about that phone call, about who could possibly have been on the other end if not Minho's girlfriend. "He didn't."

Changsub releases Kibum's waist but keeps his hand on the small of Kibum's back as they walk down the center aisle toward their seats. Kibum's shaken in a way he's never been before, confused by so many of his own feelings.

He can't get the look Minho gave him out of his head. It reminds him of those two awful years before they finally became friends, back when Kibum refused to admit his faults or offer apologies for his shitty behavior. He hurt Minho all the time back then, sometimes even intentionally.

Minho never deserved it. They both carry their fair share of the blame for letting their feud go on for so long, but Kibum had been needlessly cruel.

They're close now, those terrible days well behind them. But Kibum hasn't forgotten all the pain he caused, and seeing that hurt expression on Minho's face was like encountering a horrible ghost from the past.

The difference today is that Kibum has no idea why Minho's so upset with him. It's obvious it has something to do with Changsub and their "relationship", but this is far from the first time Kibum's dated another man. Kibum's been out to his members for well over a decade, and Changsub's a friend. If anything Minho should be happy; Changsub's probably the nicest person Kibum's ever dated, fake or otherwise.

Which is something else Kibum's struggling to wrap his brain around. Changsub joked before that he was a great boyfriend, and now that they're here, actively pretending to be a couple in front of the people Kibum's closest to in the world, Kibum's starting to realize it wasn't just a joke. Having Changsub's supportive touch is comforting in a way Kibum never imagined possible. He's long considered Changsub a friend, but he knows now he's been taking that friendship for granted.

Changsub's here because he could tell Kibum needed him to be. He's entirely on Kibum's side, which is something Kibum's not sure he's ever experienced before. If Changsub wasn't by his side, Kibum's honestly not sure he would have made it through the door.

But, even with Changsub's supportive presence, the ceremony is agonizing. Jinki and Taemin sit between Kibum and Minho, which is frankly Kibum's only saving grace.

Contrary to all the bitching he'd inflicted on Changsub at the wine bar, Kibum doesn't actually hate weddings. In fact, there are quite a few things he really likes, the styling, the decorations, the music. He loves all the potential design aesthetics, the artful incorporation of traditional and modern styles, even the ambiance. In another life, Kibum might even have been an incredible wedding planner.

Except, in this life, Kibum is gay. And that, along with his chosen career and South Korea's attitude toward homosexuality, means he will never get to have a wedding of his own.

Being bitter about it is so cliché, but knowing that doesn't stop him from feeling it.

His ceaseless, unrequited love for a person he can never have doesn't help, either. Watching his beloved manager stand at the alter in a beautiful venue surrounded by friends and family, looking into the eyes of the person he loves with all his heart and promising to stay by her side forever is absolutely gut-wrenching. He's overcome with pride and happiness, but at the same time suffocated by envy, knowing the same thing will never, ever happen for him.

He doesn't realize he's shaking until Changsub rests his hand on Kibum's knee, squeezing it as he whispers, "You okay?"

Kibum's chest feels like it's full of broken glass when he forces himself to take a deep breath. "No," he says; there's no reason to lie, not to Changsub.

"Do you want to leave?"

He does, desperately, but he can't. This day isn't about him, and he won't risk doing anything that could potentially disrupt it. So he shakes his head.

"Breathe," Changsub tells him, still squeezing his knee. "It's almost over, just keep breathing."

Tears prickle the back of Kibum's eyes; he's so overwhelmed he can barely stand Changsub's kindness. He forces himself to take measured breaths even though his chest is caving in. Amazingly, after a minute, he almost feels okay.

At least until he makes the mistake of looking at the others.

His attention is drawn by Taemin's teary voice saying, "I can't believe Nam Euisoo's getting married."

"I know," Jinki murmurs back, equal emotion in his voice.

"I can't believe he's getting married and didn't ask me to be a groomsman," Taemin wails softly and Jinki laughs.

A smile touches Kibum's lips too, but it dies quickly when his gaze moves to Minho, sitting on Taemin's other side. Normally Minho would be quick to laugh at Taemin's antics or scold Taemin for being a brat, but he's not interacting at all. He's just sitting there, staring, looking just as lost and gutted as Kibum.

It's too much to process, so Kibum doesn't try. He makes it through the rest of the ceremony by the grace of Changsub's firm hand on his knee and gentle reminders to breathe, lets Changsub lead him by the elbow to the reception hall and help him find his assigned seat. He only really surfaces from his protective disassociation when Changsub arrives a few minutes later with a glass of cold water.

"You really are a great boyfriend," he says shakily once he's gratefully drained half the glass.

Changsub's smile is warmly pleased. "You deserve a great boyfriend."

Wetness floods Kibum's vision and he blinks hard to clear it; he knows if the dam bursts now there will be no stopping the resulting torrent. "Is it bad that I'm a little sad you're only gay for Eunkwang?"

Changsub laughs. "That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"I need to be nicer to you," Kibum says, taking another long drink of water. "You're a really good person."

"I don't know what to do with all these compliments," Changsub replies with a soft chuckle. "You'd do the same thing for me. You already have."

"I have?"

"The only reason I made it through my service without any reprimands is because of you," Changsub explains. "My natural tendency is to be a fuck up. Eunkwang saved me from myself in school, and in the Army it was you."

"I didn't do that much," Kibum says, his throat thick with emotion.

Changsub reaches across the table and cups his hand over Kibum's, squeezing his fingers. "You did more than you realize."

"There you are," Taemin says as he approaches the table. "I thought for sure you'd go straight to the bar once the ceremony was over."

"He was overheated," Changsub answers on Kibum's behalf. "All those layers he's wearing, you know."

Taemin chortles, pulling out the chair beside Kibum and sitting down. "I think he actually enjoys suffering for fashion."

"Says the brat who broke into my house and stole my clothes while I was in the Army," Kibum retorts, happy for the distraction teasing Taemin affords.

"I borrowed one cardigan," Taemin replies. "And I left you a cake."

"Funny that you haven't given that cardigan back yet," Kibum remarks.

"You can steal it back when I'm in the Army," Taemin challenges with a bright, wicked smile.

"How can you go to the Army?" Minho says, coming up behind Taemin's chair with Sodam on his arm. "You're still a baby."

Kibum's insides go tight but he makes himself look up, meeting Minho's gaze. Minho's lips twitch into a brief but genuine smile, and Kibum hopes it means Minho's getting over whatever Kibum did to upset him earlier.

"You ditch the old man?" Kibum asks.

"Jinki's going to sing," Sodam replies. "While everyone's getting seated for dinner."

"It's part of his wedding present," Minho explains as he pulls out Sodam's chair for her. "Euisoo's wife loves his voice."

"Typical," Kibum says, though with almost none of his usual put-upon bitchiness. "Women fall in love with his voice not knowing he's the dorkiest person alive."

Minho sits down next to Sodam, directly across the table from Kibum. "His voice is definitely his most attractive feature."

That small amount of banter opens the door for them all to begin chatting, and while things are definitely not back to normal, the conversation is comfortable enough the tension in Kibum's shoulders begins to relax. It makes Kibum think maybe he can make it through this without coming apart at the seams.

And then Jinki starts singing.

It's exactly what Kibum expects from Jinki: a cover of a beautiful, syrupy ballad from a drama soundtrack. Kibum has a sensitive side, but these sorts of songs don't usually get under his skin too much.

At the head table, the newlyweds sit side by side, holding hands and looking into each other's eyes as they listen to Jinki singing his heart out. The love they have for each other is written in their expressions, their wide smiles and sparkling, wet eyes. And when the lyrics start to resonate – when I see your eyes, my heart keeps fluttering, you're my destiny – tears begin to swim in Kibum's eyes, too.

Except his aren't happy tears. This song is about the promise of a forever love, of being with someone who will care for and protect you for the rest of your life. It's everything Kibum's ever longed for, and sitting here at a wedding, knowing he'll never get to have a moment like this, that he'll never be able to look into the eyes of the person he loves and tell him he means everything, it's too much, too overwhelming. Before he knows it, unable to stop the flood, tears begin to drip down his cheeks, his heart constricting in his chest and stealing the breath from his lungs.

"Kibum, breathe," Changsub murmurs gently beside him, pressing a steadying hand to Kibum's back.

"Don't, please," Kibum chokes out, because he can't just breathe through it this time, he needs to escape. "Air, I need..." he stammers out, fumbling out of his chair.

Changsub stands up after him. "Do you want me to come with you?" he asks, keeping his voice low.

Kibum shakes his head, wiping his eyes on the heels of his palms so he can see well enough to find the exit. His legs are numb as he crosses the room, the sound of Jinki's voice following him as he tries to avoid every set of worried eyes that track him on his way to the door. He can't wait for the elevator, needs to get out now, so he pulls open the door to the stairwell and takes the stairs down as fast as his shaking legs will let him.

He remembers there's a flower garden on the third floor terrace that's been reserved for the wedding, and luckily, once he hits the third floor landing and exits the stairwell, he immediately spots the double glass doors that lead outside. He keeps moving until he's through the doors and on the lawn, doesn't stop until he's fully surrounded by landscaped flowerbeds and flowering bushes.

He's not hidden by any means but he thankfully feels so much less exposed. The late afternoon spring air is blessedly cool and he draws heaving lungfuls as he tries to calm his sobbing, his head throbbing and chest aching.

"Kibum."

Kibum coughs, tears clogging his throat. Minho's voice is so desperate and, for a wild moment, Kibum thinks he's imagined it.

"Kibum, what's wrong?"

He can't do this. For a second he considers just laying down on the grass, giving up on even trying to stay standing.

Somehow, he finds the energy to turn around.

Minho looks scared, worried, and he rushes to Kibum's side like he can't make himself stand back and watch any longer. His hands catch both of Kibum's elbows, eyes wide as he looks into Kibum's face. "Are you sick? Do you need me to get you out of here?"

Kibum laughs, but it comes out like a broken sob. "I'm not sick."

Minho grimaces. "Did Changsub say something to upset you?"

"No," Kibum huffs. "No, it's not him. This isn't about him."

"What is it about?" Minho asks. "What's going on with you?"

Kibum blinks, taking a wobbly step back to put some space between them. "Going on with me?"

"We've barely talked since my discharge," Minho says. "You never wanted to take leave with me because you said we would see each other after we were out, but you keep avoiding me. Then you show up at at this wedding and tell us you're dating Changsub completely out of the blue."

He stops, shaking his head. "It feels like something bad is happening," he says, his voice rough. "Between us. Like you're pushing me away."

Kibum swallows. "I'm not trying to push you away," he replies shakily. "I probably am, but I'm not doing it on purpose."

"I don't understand you anymore," Minho says. "Changsub... He's a good guy, but he's..."

Defensiveness flares hot in Kibum's chest. "He's what?"

"He's not right for you," Minho answers. "Also I'm pretty sure he's straight."

Kibum laughs dryly. "Only mostly," he says. "And, before today, I would have agreed he's not right for me. But actually he's pretty perfect. He's kind and gentle and supportive, and if he wasn't in love with someone else I might actually try dating him for real."

Minho's mouth drops open. "For real?"

"We're not together," Kibum explains. "He came as my date because I couldn't stand the thought of sitting through a wedding alone, knowing I'll never get to have one while you'd be here with your girlfriend, in love, a whole happy future ahead of you."

"I don't have a girlfriend," Minho says, eyes still wide with shock and confusion.

A breeze starts to pick up around them, clouds rolling in and covering up the sun. "I know," Kibum replies. "But I didn't until today."

He closes his eyes, ducking his head and taking a long, deep breath. He's been putting this off for way too long, and as much as it's going to hurt, he needs to do it. It needs to happen now.

Lifting his head, Kibum opens his eyes. "I'm in love with you," he says, only able to manage a low whisper. As soon as it's out, though, his heart feels immediately lighter.

Minho inhales sharply, taking half a step backward. "What?"

Kibum clears his throat. "I'm in love with you," he repeats, his voice stronger this time. "I have been for a long time. I thought being in the Army would help, getting some distance from you. But I guess what they say about distance and the heart is true, because it didn't work. Not even a little."

"Is that why you wouldn't go on leave with me?" Minho asks, sounding small, wounded.

Kibum nods. "I'm sorry for hurting you," he says. "For making you think I didn't want to see you. I just couldn't."

Minho exhales a heavy breath. "Kibum," he sighs, exasperated. "Why won't you ever let me in? Why won't you trust me?"

Kibum feels the first small droplets of the impending rainstorm on his skin, cool against his overheated cheeks. "I trust you," he counters, insistent. "I didn't keep this a secret because I don't trust you. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want our friendship to change."

A weird smile crosses Minho's face. "You're an idiot," he says, shaking his head. "We're both idiots."

He crosses the distance between them in one stride, his hands falling to Kibum's shoulders. "You're not the only one with secrets," he whispers, holding Kibum's gaze, his own so intense Kibum forgets how to breathe.

Minho ducks his head, closes his eyes, and kisses Kibum on the mouth.

Kibum's soul leaves his body. The kiss probably only lasts a second and Kibum isn't sure if he kisses back, if he still really exists or if his atoms have scattered across the universe.

The rain starts to fall in earnest, bigger drops splattering Minho's face. "I love you," he murmurs. "I love you, Kibum. I didn't really understand how much until we were apart, until you started to distance yourself from me. I didn't know I was in love until we started working together again and I saw you almost every day, but I still wanted to see you on the days we weren't together."

Minho has to stop to catch his breath, staring silently into Kibum's eyes as he takes a few deep breaths. "I want to see you every day, Kibum," he says. "For the rest of my life."

Kibum inhales, and the air is cool in his lungs, but he still doesn't feel completely real. Minho's expression is desperately expectant, open and vulnerable, and so, so full of love.

"I don't understand how you could have thought I had a girlfriend," Minho says gently, squeezing his hands around Kibum's upper arms. "I've been spending all my time with you. At least as much as you'll let me."

"Honestly, I just assumed," Kibum explains, cringing a little at how stupid it sounds when he says it. "And then I overheard you talking to someone on the phone about a dress."

Minho huffs a laugh. "That was my niece," he says. "She was playing in a piano recital and I wanted to buy her a corsage that matched her dress."

Kibum closes his eyes and drops his head back briefly in embarrassment. "You're right. I'm an idiot."

Minho grins. "You really are," he says, his eyes dark, hungry. "A beautiful, perfect idiot."

Heat rises to Kibum's cheeks. "Kiss me again," he rasps.

Minho hesitates, but only for a second. Letting go of Kibum's shoulders, he cups Kibum's jaw in his hands, tips Kibum's head, and slots their mouths together.

Kibum makes sure to kiss back this time, winding his arms around Minho's waist as he pushes up to his toes. Their mouths open to each other easily, lips moving and tongues sliding together, meeting and twining. Minho's palms are hot on Kibum's cheeks as he deepens the kiss, and Kibum opens up to it, their shared desperation obvious in the way their noses keep bumping, their mouths pressed together so hard Kibum's jaw starts to ache.

By the time they break apart they're both gasping. The rain has gotten heavier, too, starting to dampen their hair and clothes.

"I can't believe our first kiss was in the rain like every fucking drama ever made," Kibum whines shakily, his lips throbbing.

"I like it," Minho disagrees, dipping to press another hard, shallow kiss to Kibum's mouth. "It's romantic. It's sexy. You're sexy."

"You're not going to try to fuck me out here too, are you?" Kibum asks, trying not to think too hard about how Minho's strong arms are the only thing keeping him from collapsing into a heap on the grass.

"God," Minho groans. "I hadn't thought that far ahead, but now I am."

Kibum huffs a breathless laugh, a rivulet of rain sliding down along the side of his nose. "About fucking me in the flower garden?"

Minho shakes his head. "Just fucking you," he admits. "I mean, I have thought about it," he quickly amends. "Just not, uh. Not in any real detail."

A flash of heat burns through Kibum's insides. "I don't usually put out on the first date," he says. "And technically I'm still on a date with someone else."

Minho's face blanches and Kibum laughs softly. "I'm joking," he says. "But we are missing the reception. And I basically abandoned Changsub back there."

"I'm sure he's fine," Minho replies, and the tendril of jealousy Kibum can hear in Minho's voice makes Kibum a little giddy. "Also I don't think we're in any state to go back to the wedding," he adds, brushing a clump of Kibum's wet bangs off his forehead.

Kibum licks rainwater off his lips. "Where should we go then?"

Minho tucks his bottom lip beneath his teeth. "My room?"

A warm shiver rolls up Kibum's spine. "Okay," he says.

//

At thirty one years old, Kibum's never felt more like a teenager as he stands in Minho's hotel room, listening to Minho call down to the concierge for more towels. He doesn't know what's going to happen tonight, isn't exactly sure how he feels about any of what's been said between them, but right now he just wants to turn off his brain and see where things go. He feel like he's earned that much.

Pulling out his phone, he sees he has a whole bunch of progressively drunker messages from Changsub:

"What's that smile about?" Minho asks, shrugging out of his wet jacket and draping it over the back of a chair.

"My date is wasted," Kibum replies. "Also apparently we missed out on lobster and filet mignon."

"I bet we could order some from room service if you want," Minho says, pulling off his tie.

"Mm," Kibum hums, tapping out a quick reply to Changsub (I'm okay. Apparently Minho's in love with me, it's a long story. I'm going to stay in his room tonight, please stay in the room we booked. Be safe. You're the best boyfriend ever. 😘). "Maybe later?"

"Okay," Minho says, crossing the distance between them with a smile that makes heat pool between Kibum's legs. "Go shower," he urges gently, tugging at the end of Kibum's damp necktie. "Before you catch a cold."

"What about you?" Kibum asks, his eyes moving down to stare at the way Minho's wet shirt clings a little bit to his chest.

"I'll go second," Minho says.

"Okay," Kibum relents. "I'll be quick."

Kibum strips out of his rain-sodden suit and hangs it on the back of the door, getting into the shower and shampooing his hair, all in utilitarian fashion. He takes a little more time when he moves on to washing his body, being thorough in a way he hasn't in a while. He tells himself he isn't expecting anything, that he won't be disappointed if he and Minho spend the night together fully dressed on opposite sides of the opulent, king-sized, hotel bed. But he takes the time to clean certain parts of himself anyway. Just in case.

When he's done, standing in front of the foggy mirror toweling his hair dry, he bemoans the fact that his skin care products are all in his overnight bag in his original room. He doesn't look at his face in the mirror too closely, but it isn't difficult to see how much more swollen and splotchy he is than usual.

Of course Minho has seen him in way worse condition than this. Minho knew Kibum when he was a hormonal teenager with a bitchy personality, covered in zits. Whatever he has going on now, he knows he's doing way better than that.

Wrapped in a hotel bathrobe, Kibum slips out of the bathroom to find Minho undressed to his boxers, flipping through the room service menu. "Shower's yours," he says, hoping he sounds way less horny than he suddenly feels.

Minho looks up and grins. "They do have lobster available for room service," he says, tossing the menu on the bed and crossing the floor to stand in front of Kibum. "And steak," he adds, grabbing the ends of the tie on Kibum's robe, tugging on them playfully.

"Would it be too cringey if I said something about being more interested in your abs?"

Minho pulls even harder on Kibum's robe, biting his lower lip. "I need to shower," he murmurs, tone very close to a whine. "Don't change your mind before I get back, okay?"

"I wouldn't worry about that," Kibum replies, forcing himself not to reach out and touch Minho's naked chest even though he wants to very badly. "I've literally been thinking dirty things about you for years. That isn't going to change in ten minutes."

"I'll make it closer to six," Minho promises. "By the way, I brought your overnight bag," he adds, releasing the tie of Kibum's robe. "Changsub's in the room now. He's pretty drunk, but he seems okay."

Kibum's heart swells in his chest. "Thank you," he says, pressing his hand to his sternum to calm the turbulent beat of his heart. "For looking out for him."

"He's a good guy," Minho replies. "I'm glad you have him."

"I am, too," Kibum says, the sentiment of the moment intense enough to make him breathless. "Were you going to go bathe, or..." he adds a second when being under Minho's adoring gaze starts to be too much.

"Yes," Minho confirms with a nervous laugh. "Be right back. As soon as I can."

"I'll be waiting."

Kibum's nerves set in as soon as he's alone again. He doesn't bother doing any skin care when he opens his overnight bag, just pulls out a pair of boxer briefs to wear so he isn't completely naked under the robe. He's still trying hard to not expect too much, to not get his hopes up too high.

His phone buzzing turns out to be a blessed distraction. The message, however, isn't from Changsub; it's from Eunkwang. He tells Kibum he's been receiving odd messages from Changsub for the last hour or so, and he knows they're together, so he's just checking in to make sure Changsub's okay. A pleasant, altruistic warmth blooms in Kibum's belly when he tells Eunkwang to give Changsub a call; if Kibum knows Changsub at all, and he thinks he does, he has a feeling tonight might also be a monumental one for his friend as well.

Minho doesn't bother for modesty when he comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later wearing nothing but a towel slung low on his hips. He's always been muscular, but his stint in the Marines has definitely been very good for him, his abs and chest firm and rippling in a way that reminds Kibum of the magazines he used to hoard as a teenager.

"So I came out here mostly naked because I thought maybe that would inspire you," Minho says, tone deep and sexy, and Kibum laughs, light and free like he's never had a care in the world.

"God, you're such a dork," he replies, pushing to his knees and crawling to the edge of the bed. "You know you don't have to try that hard with me, right?" he adds, leaning in to press a very sweet kiss to the top row of Minho's abdominal muscles. "I already love you."

Minho slides his fingers gently into Kibum's hair. "I love you, too," he murmurs.

They kiss for a long, long time, long enough Kibum loses track of anything that isn't Minho's mouth against his own or Minho's hands on his body. They're lucky because Minho's a nice, prepared, considerate boy who always has condoms and lube in his toiletries case. Minho's sweet and nervous when they get ready, isn't sure exactly what to do, so Kibum fingers himself open, laying splayed on the bed with Minho's studious, desirous eyes on him.

It's the sexiest moment of Kibum's life until a few minutes later when Minho pushes inside him, filling him up. He's wanted it for so long he nearly passes out when Minho grinds a millimeter deeper, groaning brokenly in Kibum's ear. And then Minho starts moving, arching his back and rolling his hips, taking Kibum's breath away with every careful, shallow thrust.

It all happens way too quickly. It's been well over a year since Kibum was intimate with someone, and he suspects it must be the same for Minho, too. Minho is hyper-focused on Kibum's pleasure, asking questions, doing every single thing Kibum suggests. When Kibum comes it's a religious experience, so intense he loses control of his emotions for the third time today, tears streaking from the corners of his eyes to soak the pillowcase beneath his head. Minho finishes a few seconds later, panting and shaking, kissing Kibum's cheeks and whispering declarations of love into Kibum's ears.

Minho wakes Kibum the next morning with his mouth on the side of Kibum's neck and they trade lazy handjobs like they've been doing this for years rather than hours. When Minho finally rolls out of bed to wash up, Kibum takes a long moment to bask in the moment, to inhale the smell of sex, to feel the pleasant soreness of his body.

When he grabs his phone, he has a message from Changsub waiting for him.

A wide smile spreads across Kibum's face. Please tell me you sent Eunkwang a drunken dick pic. Kibum sends back.

Kibum's sitting up now, staring down at his phone in utter disbelief. The next message that comes in is a screenshot of a Facetime call, Eunkwang's face taking up most of the screen. He's smiling, wide and happy with tears in his eyes, and in his little thumbnail up in the corner, Changsub is, too.

Kibum's not sure he's ever felt this perfectly at peace in his life. He knows better than to let down his guard, but, at least at the moment, everything seems right with the world.

The door to the bathroom opens as Kibum begins typing up his last reply, a heated smile curving Minho's lips as he crosses slowly back to the bed. Kibum bites his lip as he scrolls through the emoji keyboard, adding one final touch to the message before pressing send and setting his phone back on the bedside table.