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There was someone knocking at the door- aggressively, loudly. Pulling her duvet over her face Joey groaned and stretched languidly, repressing her feelings of fear and the thoughts of just staying put. She was surprised she was even having such functional thoughts, due to the fact she was most likely still a bit laggy from whatever she had taken in the early hours.
Rubbing her eyes, she murmured loudly to whoever was outside, “I’m coming, keep your bloody pants on,”
As she walked down the short hall to the door, she could make out the shape of a familiar face in the window.
Yaz had checked on Joey every week and sometimes more, as soon as the blonde had stopped replying to texts. While she still didn’t talk much, she had surrendered to Yaz coming round as the second time her visit was ignored, the next people at the door were the police.
She had thought that was a bit extreme.
Yaz ceased her knocking as Joey closed in on the door and sighed, before opening it. Prepared for the onslaught of frustration and worry from the brunette, surprise took her features as she looked over her.
There were tears in Yaz’s red rimmed eyes, her eyebrows drawn and lips chapped from biting. She looked her up and down as a pair of tears fell down her face before Yaz shakily began her usual questioning.
“What was it last night?”
Joey scrambled for a response, the sight of Yaz in this state and her already unfocused brain had pushed her pre-prepared response out of her head.
“Um, fanta- not fanta I mean I- just the usual I think. It would have been something not- like not that bad. I’m not sure. I meant I put it in the fanta cause I was scared that I would-“
“Do you know what you sent me?”,Yaz interrupted her, her lip shaking not undermining her anger.
She shook her head anxiously, and tried to at least look confident.
Yaz took out her phone and clicked on messages, bringing up a text sent by Joey late last night and showing her.
I am goin to do iy you you know. im going to die and I dont care 01:38
Yaz removed it from view before the panicked, desperate and terrified messages below could be read.
“I only saw that this morning. 7 o’clock, I was up, ready to go for my walk-go to the shop to pick up food for you- and I open up my phone and there’s that. Just that message. It said you hadn’t been online since. So what kind of great, genius-“
Yaz’s voice broke. She took a deep breath.
“What kind of great idea did you think that was? I was fucking scared. But you know what I remember when you scare me like that? You’ve done it fucking before. And everytime it happens, I come here and your still alive! Amazing! I’m so relieved because I fucking love you-“, she was almost shouting now.
“But you can’t keep doing that again and again- one day I’m going to fucking leave it and then you’ll turn up dead and I won’t be able to live with that! Do you fucking understand this doesn’t just affect you? Do you have bloody inkling? Don’t be so selfish.”
Joey just stood, bewildered. The revelation she sent that message, and the emotional response to it- very much unexpected on both sides.
Joey feels a tear escape her eye as well. They both look at the ground unsure of how to proceed. Joey launches herself forward and hugs Yaz.
More tears escaping, she breathes into Yaz’s hair and neck, “I’m so sorry,”.
“As per usual.” Yaz replies stiffly, but wraps her arms around Joey all the same.
“I’m not right Yaz.”, she sniffles, “and definitely fucking not clean. I feel wrong. I feel dirty and I feel pressured and I feel so, so weak. And I just want it to stop, Yaz- I’m sorry,”, she sobs fully now, her face pressed to Yaz’s shoulder.
“I’ll help you. I’m sorry I yelled at you because I know it makes you scared, but you know what you did. I will help you, but you have got to put in the effort.”, she calmly whispered to the trembling person in her arms.
“Let’s get you in there. You feel very thin, I hope you’ve got food in, cause I’m feeding you whether you like it or not at this point!”
They both padded out from the hall, shutting the door that was left open in their confrontation and Joey settled on the couch while Yaz went about the cupboards.
She did remove a couple of things as she went, not trusting the other woman to keep herself safe with them there. Joey was talented at many things, but impulse control always seemed impossible.
They ate, and embraced on the couch, much more talkative than usual- even though Joey really did not have much energy to spare- and trusting in eachother that things were going to get better.
“You really have got to start talking more. I can tell you’re struggling even if you think you’re so good at pushing me out- can’t get one over on this lass I’ll tell you that,”, she joked half heartedly, “But you remember what I said. I’m not putting up with you saying things like that, and I’m especially not going to let you get this bad again. Not even wine for you!”
Joey pouted comically, knowing Yaz was very much in the right. If she couldn’t sort herself out, she couldn’t exactly blame Yaz for taking matters into her own hands. She doubted she’d find any medicines in her cupboard after this time.
Nothing ever comes immediately, and without a struggle, but maybe sharing could give them both a head start on the storm ahead.