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My hands twitched.
I set the Hail Mary’s centrifuge to rotate one degree per second, as to make the normal ‘floor’ the ‘floor’ again. Nothing in this ship assumes that there won’t be an ‘ground’ to work on, unlike the ISS, I don’t have the convenience of velcro and handle bars in the interior.
So the room around me slowly oriented back to when ‘up’ meant panels and lights and not my very expensive and very irreplaceable lab equipment. Since the gravity is on, this means I did some awkward, half limp movement while the room spun. I could’ve just strapped myself in the nearest chair but I had the feeling that if I sat down now, I wouldn't be able to get back up for a while.
My arm hurt like heck, which could be a reason why I shivered, either that or it is the restless, slightly manic energy that had overcome me. I have to stay on my feet. I have to work.
I tried not to dwell on my third (maybe) dead friend on the airlock floor. I just focused, for what felt like an eternity, the pattern of on one foot in front of the other until the ceiling became the ceiling again.
Once the rotation is complete, things felt slightly more normal. I can work better in these conditions, while the human mind is capable of adaption to just about anything, it does seek a sense of security, and if mine finds a little comfort in having a floor then by god I will have a floor.
I half sprinted back to the dormitory to check on Rocky. I see that he is, thankfully, right side up.
I really want to help him, but I know I need to make sure this whole disaster of an adventure wasn’t for nothing. I need to work on the sample in the container, or at least move it. I need to do damage control inside and outside the ship. I need to do damage control on myself , or at least get the computer to do more for me. There’s so much to do, so little time. So very, very little. I thought that if I checked on my friend, it would offer some relief, all I feel is heart stopping anxiety.
My hands twitched again and my palms sweat. I felt weak, and not just from the disaster of an EVA, but a deep, instinctual fear.
I’ve known this emotion for a long time, long enough for it to have set into my bones, but not enough for me to let myself really feel it. For the first time I really realized, I could die.
I have tried not to dwell on it, but I am truly all that stands between ultimate extinction and 7 billion people, and with Rocky’s state, possibly all of Erid as well. My stomach drops in the same way it did the first time I turned off the gravity, except everything is still, everything is too still, it’s just me.
Why is it just me? Why is it all up to me? Why did he risk his planet and himself for me?
My throat tightened in a familiar way I know is not due to the ammonia earlier, I can’t speak, I can’t breathe. I push my palms into my eyes, my fingers grip onto my dirty hair. I want to just let my knees buckle and not get up for a very long time. I could have just decided to give up and cry on the floor… it honestly didn’t really seem like such a bad idea.
When you’re upset, take a deep breath, count to ten, then let it all out
My words that I had once advised my kids bounced around in my mushy brain. I don’t have time for this, I need to work.
I sniffle wetly and tug at my hair.
‘Get a grip Ryland’, I scold myself, ‘you can at least do this much.’ I close my eyes and listened to my environment, I noted the loudest sounds, the ambient hum of machinery, and finally my own heartbeat. I wait a few seconds and breathe out and open my eyes again.
I feel more connected to reality again. ‘Yeah, I can do this. I’m going to do this so hecking well.’ my own voice sounds frantic.
-
Everything I had done since waking up from almost dying has felt like a loosely fabricated fever dream. Maybe I am feverish, maybe my arm got infected somehow, I don’t care. Thing is I keep sweating, and I keep lifting my bad arm up to wipe the sweat off my brow and it keeps stinging like ever. I tune it out with difficulty.
I think things are going my way until I realize I can’t open the sample I almost died retrieving.
‘OK! Ok, it’s ok...just...yeah.’ I pause, ‘Dummy!’, I smack my forehead with an audible slap.
I’m tired, I’m being stupid because I’m tired and there’s no getting around that. Now the rational thing would be to take a siesta, but I am feeling anything but. Out of spite against my own body I stand up, (albeit slowly, I’m not that big of an idiot) and pace.
Think, I need to document changes, that’s like science 101, I stumble around for my tablet and snap some photos. I do more sciencing very scientifically and wander to the control room because I am literally floating in uncharted territory and have no freaking clue where I’m at.
I’ve taken more painkillers than I probably should’ve, but hey, it’s not my fault computers are stupid and I felt like being irrational.
Rocky, right.
I set up a drill so I can at least try and make a hole in Rocky’s zone. I set up multiple precautions this time trying to get to him, and I still zone out and get burned even after what I thought was considerable planning.
I manage to dust off what looks to be a collection of soot on his shell-like body. In all honesty I have no clue what I am doing and desperately hope I am not making his condition worse, ‘Well buddy,’ I say, hands and arms shaking again, ‘ I’ve done all I can, I just hope you can do the rest.’
I really hope he wakes up.
He has to.
The day passes in a blur, I give up on trying to be productive, or at least feel productive. For all I know, in this state, I might be doing more harm than good.
My mind keeps itself in a closed loop, I feel helpless, I try to combat the helplessness by doing something but then that something either almost blows up in my face, breaks, or in the case of the camera, just melts. That’s really all I am, helpless. Light Years away from home, somehow dragged into an interstellar voyage to save humanity only to become the sole survivor of a crew. A crew way more capable than you, my thoughts tell me.
I want to scream, badly. I want to break down and cry and throw things left and right, I want to feel sunlight, or wake up and make coffee for myself in my little San Francisco apartment. I want to teach my kids, I want freaking chicken nuggets...I...
I want to go home .
But so does Rocky, I tell myself, or maybe, so did Rocky.
I don’t even know, he could be dead and I wouldn’t notice, how would I? How long would it take him to wake up if he is alive or not?
My mind goes back to Ilyukhina, how her body still had an IV hole in her arm because she died before it could heal. Did Rocky even have scars that should be healing over? I really just saw him spontaneously combust and that was that. Normal. A perfectly normal Wednesday evening type thing, seeing your only companion of a 17+ light year distance who happens to be from another planet, just burst into flames after saving your life.
Either way, I only knew only what Rocky had told me about Eridian biology; my best option is truly, just to wait and see. Just wait. But waiting meant being still, if I stop moving now…
Screw it.
I walked with more purpose than a post-convalescent should have the strength for and marched to the dormitory. My eyes fall on the airlock.
Even though it feels corny, I place my hand against the wall.
I somewhat wished that he could tell I was here, even if I knew he literally couldn't.
I let my hand slide from the glass as I took another deep breath. My body feels like it is shaking itself apart, I clutch my chest and squeeze my eyes shut.
I’m tired.
I grab a pillow and blanket from my bed and throw them on the floor. I kick them closer to the airlock where my friend lies, unmoving.
I sigh and relax my heavy shoulders. Leaning forward, I shift a little, readying in for the long-haul,
‘You sleep,’ I grip the pillow with whitened knuckles, my vision shifts and wobbles, warmth runs down my face and I taste salt.
‘I watch.’
-
Nightmares are only rational after what I experienced, I know this, but the fact doesn’t make them less scary. I meant to stay awake anyway so it just makes me more aggravated if anything.
I keep waking up in that half lucid state, just to comprehend that I am sweating and tangled in my blanket.
My whole body aches but the burns in particular, they sting like hell .
Maybe the ship has some books on burns...Can’t be hard to treat.
Too bad there’s nothing on medical procedures for Eridians.
Or reviving people.
Or a ‘how to’ guide on astrophage extermination.
I curl in on myself and sleep again.
-
Tap
I snap awake, as if someone flipped a switch.
‘Huh?’ I mumble intelligently.
Tap
I blink the heaviness from my eyes. I see the source of the sound.
Rocky is awake, tapping on the airlock wall. He is still laying flat on the floor, but he was able to reach up just enough to tap on the wall where my ears had been close to.
“Rocky!” I shout, I scramble to sit up and untangle myself from my bed sheet on the floor, I notice an almost imperceptible wince and lower my voice. ‘Buddy! Are you ok?’ I mean, clearly he wasn’t a few hours ago, but I still feel the need to ask.
I hear a low frequency emit from him, too low for me to hear properly.
“Can you speak up? I don’t understand.” I tell him softly.
“ Sick...I not feel well.” He shakily brought his hand back to the ground.
I had to fight the urge to shout ‘well duh!’ at the top of my lungs, “Yes, you’re sick, you came into my air! You could’ve died!”
“ Grace...your face is leaking, are you well? ”
Maybe it was the fact that I was quite literally on a suicide mission, maybe it was the fact that I had to carry the corpses of my friends at some point, some more dead than others, or maybe it was because I had nearly died for real, whatever the reason or the buildup to get here, the point is I broke down and sobbed.
“No..no I’m really,” I hiccup, “not.” I hold my hands close to my face, though I know it’s pointless, it’s not like he can’t hear me, “I had to carry you, after you literally burst into flames,” I laugh at the absurdity of it all, “and then...after I put you back in your zone...you didn’t move for a whole day and more.” I pulled my legs up to my chest to try and stop the shaking, “And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.”
Rocky stills and if that doesn’t make me feel awful, I swear. He has to observe me just sobbing and acting a fool. I close my eyes and bury my face in the crook of my elbow.
“ You sick too, arm and face? ” He asks worriedly.
I don’t respond and try to breathe.
“Grace?! Answer? How do I fix?’ He taps at the wall again, this time more urgently.
“H-human thing,” I choke out. “My brain and body are overwhelmed...hyperventilate.”
“Ok. How do I fix? ”
“You can’t fix this, I-, I just…” I have to think about these next words. How do I even describe this kind of emotion to an alien? “I have to calm myself down and try to,” I inhale quickly, “breathe.” I stutter and fumble over every word, I’m not sure he can even properly understand me. I am only just getting to know Eridianese, there’s no way he’ll understand my broken english.
“Grace ,” Rocky says firmly, it’s hard to pick up on emotion through musical notes at times; maybe it’s just me, but the tone sounds like concern
“ You save me, bring damage to yourself, thank.”
But why? Why’d he have to go and sacrifice himself for me? It’s about more than me, it’s about our civilizations, it’s about populations dying or going extinct.
He taps on the wall again, either I see it as hesitation, or he’s just still in pain, it could be either, or both; his movements are slow enough for me to zone back in.
I feel shaky and become glad that I’m already on the ground.
“ Grace, please, listen.” The melody he says is low and gradual.
“I’m sorry,” I say, “I caused this.” I put my head between my knees.
Of course I did this, I didn’t account for the astrophage seeing the carbon dioxide of their home-world, or how it’d affect the ship, I just relearned my own name a while ago.
“ Why do you say this, question .” Rocky’s pitch changed entirely, incredulous, “ Both. Stupid. We rush, we make mistake. We learn.”
I didn’t know I could cry this much, honestly.
“You are sad. Very sad. Stop.” Rocky’s voice was low again, despite the way he said it, I could tell he was trying to be comforting.
Ha. I can’t believe he’s comforting me despite him being the one to nearly die, but maybe he’s thinking the same thing, I almost died too, come to think of it.
“Still, I am very very very sorry, you’re hurt and I tried to help after I moved you but I didn’t want to screw anything up.”
Rocky ‘looked up’ at me, curiously.
“ Help after move me? You move me, what else? ”
“You had soot or something on you, I dusted it off.”
He cringed, or what I think an Eridian would look like cringing. He seemed to be trying to choose his words.
“Not soot, wound, healing. ” My eyes widened, I was about to go into a slew of more apologies but he interrupted me before I could, “but it help, a little.” I rub my eyes aggressively to try to get rid of some of the tension that had gathered there. “ Stop. Overthink. You help, I live, sick but live, same as you .” He stated. He got me there.
We fall into a pause of silence. I turn to lean against the xenonite wall rather than face it. It's cool on the outside, unlike the Hot Wall of Pain that separated our ships in the airlock tunnel so long ago. I slump down further and stretch my arms and legs out. I cannot and will not move a muscle right now if I can help it. I’m sure he feels the same.
He literally thought he’d die saving me, some part of me is baffled anyone would do something like that.
-
“ You calm now? Grace? You ok?” He hummed. Not much time has passed, maybe a few minutes, maybe a few hours, time doesn’t make much sense in space.
“Hmm?”
Oh dang, has he been talking to me for a while?
“Sorry, I was zoning out, how long were you trying to get my attention?” I turn to face him.
“ Not long, but, your heart, still fast though you not move. ” He replies quickly. I still feel ‘on edge’ at best, but what’s really cool is how he can hear my heartbeat even through the xenonite. Eridians have great hearing, I know this, but you can’t deny that’s neat.
I hum in response.
Rocky spouts a whole bunch of noises I don’t understand, somewhat urgently, I lose focus on them.
I think about all that’s happened, to me and to him.
I can’t imagine, in my little human brain, more than 30 years, alone in space, after your whole crew slowly dies out. The horror for me to be the only one to wake up is really paled by that comparison. My eyes feel wet again.
It takes a minute of me just listening to my own pounding heartbeat and tightly gripping my arms to ease the shivering, but I am aware of light tapping again, back and forth, against the ground. Rocky’s trying something that I think is meant to get me to chill out. The repetition helps, just enough for me to hear some sort of pattern without really processing it.
Maybe it was an Eridian thing, like a lullaby without the singing. Or perhaps it is just something to remind the other of their presence in a species that lacks sight.
I wonder how many things in our cultures are similar, not for the first time. It’s odd though, in a whole race whose communication sounds like song, to use this kind of act to soothe others.
“Grace, question? Can you breathe now, question?”
“I think. I think I feel ok now.” I responded, slightly dazed. There is so much at stake here but I feel like I can actually sort it out... tomorrow. That counts as ok.
“ See, I can fix. ” He replied patiently.
“Yes, thanks.”
“You were leaking water, correct? Go, drink.” He commands. Apparently, his patience has expired.
I start to get up, but pause.
“What about you? Do you need something too?” I ask. Do Eridians need bandages? Or vitamins? I don’t think he wants to eat right now anyhow.
“No, go. ” He scoots forward the wall of the airlock in a shooing motion then just plops down on the floor again.
“Ok, ok.” I roll to the left and do a half crawl to the water storage space and grab what looks like a Capri-sun, then do a little roll back against the wall. I don’t use my bad arm this time; small victories, you know?
I practically inhaled all of the contents of the water pouch, I don’t think I’ve had any water since before the EVA, and I think Rocky noticed that.
I slouch.
“Tired,” said Rocky, “I already sleep, but still tired.” He vibrates, in what may be a yawn.
“That’s expected, you need to heal.” I say as I drink the last of my water. I toss the pouch to the side and drag my blanket to drape it over my shoulders.
I lean my head back with an audible thump.
“I wish I could do more for you man.”
“ Same for you, Grace. But for now, we wait to heal.”
-
I find myself getting drowsier, I fade consciousness slowly.
My body, in the everlasting war against me, decides to jolt me back awake in that weird way that makes you feel like you’re falling. My hands fly out to my sides in an attempt to catch myself. I hate the feeling of falling. I try to blink myself back awake.
“You…you should sleep first anyway, I’ll watch.” I mumble, slightly incoherent.
“ No. I… ” He looks vaguely uncomfortable, shifting left to right in the way he does when feeling awkward. “ Grace, the last memories I have until now, you unmoving, too still. Thought you dead. I want,” his tone breaks off at the end, “I want to be sure you stay alive.” My jaw drops, even in the low gravity, “..a nd because you may do stupid stuff again when not thinking right.” There it is.
There was a point in time where I would’ve found someone wanting to watch me sleep to be undoubtedly creepy, but now, again, human minds are amazing, I find it to be incredibly…I don’t know, I just feel safer having a friend watch (metaphorically) over me. And to know he just wants to make sure I keep breathing, it’s comforting.
“Ok.” I say, I don’t want to argue, and he’s right, I’ve already been acting too much in monkey brain mode, I don’t want to see what else I can do in this state at the moment.
I carry myself back over to the little section I’d made out to put my pillow and blanket, then I just spread out as much as possible on the ground. Laying on my stomach I pull the pillow under my chin and cross my arms around it. I don’t bother moving the blanket that was on my shoulders.
I’ll have to go through and try to open the sample tomorrow, maybe get some clean bandages on my arm, and see what can be done about my fuel, but now, I just let my eyes shut and let go of the tension weighing on me, and finally let myself rest.
It’s quiet, all except the hum of electricity, but very faintly, I hear:
“ Good night, Grace. ”