Chapter Text
“Hello?”
“Hey, Rhodey!” said Tony, shifting the basket he was holding with one hand as he continued to walk down the street. “Say, remember that promise you made me in our second year at MIT?”
“Uh, maybe? Be more specific.”
“How you promised me you’d always help me bury a body in case I needed it?”
“...”
Tony waited patiently for his best friend to answer.
“Tones, what did you do? I’m sure we can make it look like an accident, but I need to know-”
“I haven’t killed anyone yet,” he answered, phone beeping to indicate he had arrived to the right place. “But I might need your help if I end up going through with it.”
“Oh thank god, so I still have time to dissuade you. Where the hell are you? At the Tower?”
“No, Nepal,” answered Tony, stopping before the door he had been looking for. “And no, you can’t dissuade him. Keep your phone on, depending on how this thing goes, I might be killing someone. And if I commit suicide, remember: we pin it on my husband.”
“Tony, what-”
Tony ended the call, pocketing his phone and turning off his in ear piece before knocking loudly at the door. He could already feel the vibrations indicating a new call from Rhodey, but FRIDAY had already been instructed to alert him in case it was an emergency, and dissuading Tony from committing a crime was not an emergency.
It was only a hindrance.
It took about five minutes for someone to open the door, but Tony patiently waited the entire five minutes. He knew Stephen was in there, and he had always been a very patient person when it was needed.
A man in orange robes opened the door, looking slightly startled when he saw Tony standing in front of it. “Uh.”
Tony gave him his best press smile, holding up the basket of muffins in his hands. “May I come in? Brought something to share with the class.”
The man stared at him for a second longer and then shook his head. “Uh, yes. Of course. The Ancient One is right this way,” he said, opening the door wider for Tony to come in.
Tony was not quite sure who this ‘Ancient One’ was, but still followed the man. Most likely the leader of whatever perverted monastery/sex cult this was, and thus either the person who’d be able to tell him where his husband was, or the person he was going to have to kill.
The ‘Ancient One’ turned out to be Jadis the White Witch without hair and wearing yellow robes instead of a white dress. She was also looking vaguely amused at seeing Tony there, and Tony’s eyes narrowed further at her.
“He was at the door,” said the Cult Member #13 (he looked like a number 13), sounding both baffled and uncertain, and the ‘Ancient One’ just smiled.
“That’s quite alright, Master Ishtar,” she said, casually waving him off. She waited for Cult Member #13 to walk away before turning to Tony, still looking terribly amused. “You are here to see your husband, I’m assuming?”
“Yes,” said Tony, faux cheerily. “I have also brought muffins. Are you sleeping with my husband?”
She did not even flinch. “No, I am not. I am a lesbian.”
Tony immediately smiled at her more honestly. “Oh, good for you. Would you like a muffin? I have chocolate chip, chocolate fudge, vanilla and caramel.”
“Why yes, I’d love one,” she said, taking a caramel one. “Follow me. And to answer your next question, this is not a sex cult or any other sort of cult. It is actually a Sanctum for sorcery.”
Tony frowned at her. “Magic?”
Not that Tony was disbelieving, of course. Rhodey’s little Avengers playmates had fought a hot British alien sorcerer before, and then there was that one crazy Nazi witch who hated him and that Rhodey had ‘taken care of’. His work colleague Captain Imperialism had been very upset about it, and then Rhodey had kicked him off the team with everyone’s approval for Nazi sympathising.
Stephen had never believed in magic, though. Well, he did think that Tony’s tongue was capable of doing magic things, but in the ‘dickus erectus’ and ‘bidibi bodibi bum, I’m gonna make you cum’, sort of way, not the ‘abracadra’ and ‘eye of a newt’ kind of way.
“Yes,” she said, nodding. “He came to us broken and alone because of his hands, and he decided to join our order and learn about the mystical arts.”
“Alone? Unbelievable,” said Tony, highly offended. “I go to London just for one month after telling him over and over that I could postpone if he wanted/needed me, but he insisted on me going. And the second I am away, he joins a cult?!”
“It’s not a cult,” said the Wicked Witch of the West, as they came to a stop in front of a courtyard. “This is a really good muffin.”
“Of course it is, I made it,” said Tony, eyes finding Stephen with almost scary precision immediately.
The man had not even noticed Tony just yet, and had a beard so big that he looked like a homeless man. A sexy homeless man, but still a homeless man. The spiritual hobo aesthetic did not look too bad on him, and Tony loved him no matter what he looked like, but would it have killed him to bring a couple of nice shirts with him on this... sabbatical?
His eyes narrowed further at the man he was sitting in front of. A very handsome man, muscled, that did not look homeless and who was smiling at his husband.
“Who’s that guy, and is he sleeping with my husband?”
“That’s Karl Mordo, and no one is sleeping with your husband, Doctor Stark,” said the Ancient One, but Tony wasn’t a fool.
Stephen was here all alone in a vulnerable position and was not wearing his wedding ring anymore because it hurt his hand. Tony was onto this little Becky with the short (but possibly still good) hair.
“Hello!” he called out as soon as he saw the man reaching forward to help Stephen up, a bright smile on his face as he strode through the middle of the courtyard.
More than one person gasped, and Tony mentally cheered. He might not have been much in the limelight after stepping down from being CEO of SI, but he was still the socialite of New York and thankfully no one seemed inclined to forget it.
Stephen looked surprised and then pleased to see him, the jerk. “Tony! How did you-” He cut himself off as Tony pulled him down in a fierce and definitely inappropriate kiss that he was sure reminded Stephen of all the smart reasons he had married Tony for.
When he pulled back, Stephen’s cheeks were flushed, his pupils dilated and he was breathing a little harder than before.
“Hey, honey,” he said, patting his cheek and turning to Mordo with narrowed eyes. “Why don’t you introduce me to your new... friend?”
The possible homewrecker looked a little embarrassed and awkward in front of them, which: good. Tony was here to kindly inform Stephen why it was a bad idea to run off to Kathmandu without leaving a note and also to make sure he would not accidentally trip and fall in someone else’s bed.
“Uh? Wha-? Oh,” said Stephen, appearing a little disoriented and blushing even more when he realised more than one person was staring. How cute. Tony really hoped he wasn’t cheating on him, because Stephen wouldn’t last one day in prison. “Uh, yeah. Karl, this is my husband, Tony Stark. Tony, this is Karl Mordo, he’s my... uh...”
“Trainer,” said the other man, while Tony side eyed Stephen at the hesitation. “And magic tutor.”
Stephen frowned at him. “How did you even get here?”
“That’s not important,” said Tony, waving him off and staring at Mordo. “Why are you my husband’s magic tutor and trainer?”
“Are you just going to accept magic as-”
“Shh,” said Tony, handing Stephen a muffin. “Eat your chocochip, honey, I’m talking to your friend.”
“I’m only taking it because I want it, not because you said so,” informed him Stephen, and Tony mentally rolled his eyes. Whatever helped him sleep at night.
“So?”
The possible mistress shrugged. “I am the most qualified Master and the one who allowed Stephen to come into the Sanctum, so the Ancient One decided I should be the one to oversee his training.”
Tony did not like the sound of that one bit. “So you’re saying you’re the one who... checked him out.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“And you liked what you saw,” continued Tony, crossing his arms around his chest. Mordo looked at him in confusion, and Tony continued. “Tell me, Mordo, do you think my husband is attractive?”
Stephen started coughing violently behind him, while Mordo looked at them both in vague alarm. “What?”
“My Stephie,” said Tony, clapping Stephen on the back. “Do you think he’s handsome? Hot? Nice to look at?”
“Uh... no?”
Tony glared. “Well, why not? How dare you call Stephen ugly?!”
“No, he’s not ugly,” quickly said Mordo. “He’s... nice looking.”
“So you’ve looked at him,” said Tony, standing up a little straighter. Mordo was taller than him, but Tony liked to think he was still intimidating him slightly. “Why have you been looking at my husband?!”
“Uh...” Mordo looked around for help, but everyone was just watching them with intrigue. The part of Tony that wasn’t focused on dealing with trick ass Becky with the beefy arms over here, was pleased to see many of them were watching the other man with suspicion. “I sort of... need to look at him to teach him magic?”
“No, you don’t. In fact I demand that from now on-”
“Tony,” interrupted Stephen, red faced and still struggling a little to breathe. “Tony, what are you doing?”
“Checking the foundations of this relationship, Stephen Strange! Now tell me, how long have you been ‘looking’ at Stephen and fantasizing about stealing my husband, homewrecker?!”
“Okay,” said Stephen, chuckling awkwardly as he pulled Tony away from where he was standing. Tony only went willingly - while still glaring at Mordo - because he did not want Stephen to hurt his hands even more. “Okay, darling? Hi? Hi.”
Tony turned his scowl on Stephen. “I’m mad at you too, you know.”
Stephen frowned. “Wait, what? Why?”
“Why?” asked Tony, voice raising dangerously. “Why? Stephen, think very carefully about everything that has happened since last month, and then tell me if you can work out why I might be a little unhappy.”
The man did stop to think about it, and Tony did not even smile when Stephen’s expression went a little horrified and panicked. “To be fair, I lost my phone. I did not think I was going to be gone so long and then I lost track of time when I got here. I left a message with JARVIS?”
“Going to speak to Jonathan Pangborn, he might have a cure,” quoted Tony, teeth gritted together. “And the nothing for a month before I find you dressed in monk clothes in a cult letting yourself be felt up by handsome guys!”
Stephen opened his mouth, and then he frowned. “You think Karl is handsome?”
“Hey, I’m the jealous one here, wait your turn,” said Tony, crossing his arms over his chest.
Stephen smiled, shaking his head. “I promise you I am not sleeping with Karl. First of all, he’s straight.”
“That’s the first reason?!”
“No! First of all, I love you with all of my heart and we are married,” corrected Stephen, putting shaky hands at each side of his face. “Second Karl is straight and I think still mourning his girlfriend. Third, why would I be stupid enough to cheat? You are the hottest, prettiest and most amazing man in the world, always.”
“That is true, you could only downgrade from me,” said Tony, nodding in agreement. “But JAY-Z did cheat with Beyoncé, and she is the Queen B.”
“JAY-Z is clearly stupid, and Solange is nowhere as scary as James Rhodes is,” pointed out Stephen, and Tony grinned.
“That is true, Rhodey would destroy you and sell your body on the black market if you ever hurt me,” he said. “My honeybear is the best. He was even ready to bring a shovel to help me hide the evidence.”
“... I don’t like how happy you are at this possibility,” muttered Stephen, and Tony just smiled brighter pressing a kiss on his cheek.
“Then don’t cheat on me, and nothing bad will happen to you.”
Stephen’s expression went softer. “I won’t. I really am sorry about not getting in contact sooner, but you know how I can get when it comes to stuff I’m honestly interested about. I forget everything else. And this is the first thing to catch my attention since the accident...”
Awh, Tony was always a sucker for Stephen’s wounded expression and everything. “Fine,” he said, rolling his eyes slightly at the way he immediately smiled. “After all I am sure there are some... more fun ways of making sure you remember why you married me.” He pressed a hand on Stephen’s chest, body sliding against his as his lips went to his ear. “You do have a personal room in here, right?”
“R-right,” answered Stephen, one hand going to Tony's waist.
“Perfect,” chirped Tony, manoeuvring himself out of Stephen’s hold. Then he narrowed his eyes again at where Mordo was still awkwardly standing. “Are there no ugly Masters that can teach you things?”
“That’s the second time you imply that you think Mordo is handsome, what is up with that?”
Tony pointedly ignored him, pointing two fingers at his eyes and then at Mordo. “Spaghetti is only straight until it’s boiled, but if you bend under Stephen’s hotness, I will know and I will dispose of you, magic or no magic,” he promised him. He ignored Stephen groaning behind him. “Also, you can’t have a muffin because I don’t like you.”
“I didn’t want a muffin anyway,” he lied like the lying homewrecker in training he was, because Tony could see the longing in his eyes.
Tony turned once more to Stephen. “I’m going to meet the rest of your little friends so I can better threat analyse them.”
“Threat analyse?”
“Yeah, from most likely to ruin our marriage to least likely,” he said, beaming at him. “I won’t kill anyone, promise. And if you’re really good, I might even ride you tonight.” He sent him a kiss. “Love you! Now, unnamed extras, who would like a muffin?”
+++
“I think I died,” said Stephen, still breathing quite loudly and laying back down on the bed. “If I weren’t married to you before, I’d propose right now. Do you want me to propose again?”
Tony snorted, throwing himself on top of his husband. “Good to see I’ve only gotten better with time.”
“Like a fine wine,” agreed Stephen, twisting his head so he could catch his lips in a smile. “I love you.”
“Mh, love you too,” answered Tony, putting his head down on his shoulder and peering at him through his lashes. “Stephen?”
“Yeah?”
“You’d never cheat on me, would you?”
“Never, Tony,” he promised him, smiling gently.
“Good,” said Tony, closing his eyes with a sigh. “Because I’m crazy, and if you ever cheated on me, I’d kill them, fake my death, and then pin both murders on you, and I don’t think that you would do well in prison.”
“... What.”
“And you know how some people say ‘he’d want you to move on’, after someone dies? Yeah, if I die, you’re not allowed to move on. Actually, I’d be very mad if you moved on. In fact, when I die, I’m gonna put a note in my pocket that says you did it so that you don’t remarry.”
“Wait, what?”
Tony pressed a kiss on his cheek. “Good night, Stephie.”
“Hold on, what do you mean pin it on me? Tony? Darling?!”