Work Text:
TO KURT:
can’t believe this is the last time i’ll get to hold you in my arms until i visit you in new york in a month. hurry up and get here soon, my heart already misses you and you haven’t even left ohio yet. i love you baby. <3
-
Blaine smiles sadly as he watches Kurt make his way slowly to Burt’s truck. He could have gone with them to drop Kurt off at the airport, but he didn’t want Kurt – or Burt for that matter – to see him sobbing hysterically while he said his goodbyes.
When Burt’s truck finally roars away down the street, Blaine finally makes himself go back inside, slumping against his closed door after he’s closed it shut, the sound echoing throughout the empty house.
He doesn’t have to worry about keeping up his brave face for Kurt anymore, and so he slides down the door, his face crumpling, tears making their way steadily down his cheeks. He gasps and sobs in the stillness of his house, his heart already feeling a deep ache in the absence of Kurt.
Eventually, his sobs run dry and he simply sits against the door for what seems like hours, gasping for breath and trying to calm himself down.
By the time the grandfather clock in the hall chimes at six, he’s managed to straighten himself out and stand, and he makes his way wearily to his room, the sounds of his lingering sniffles and stuttering breaths getting lost in the vast house surrounding him.
When he’s finally safe inside his room, completely covered by his blankets and his arms wrapped tightly around his precious Margaret Thatcher dog, he lets out a gust of air, hoping that no matter the distance, he and Kurt will be just fine.
Blaine slowly drifts off to sleep, the events of the day catching up to him, and looks forward to calling Kurt when he wakes.
-
At ten he’s awoken by the sounds of his parents coming home – the door slams shut and his parents’ loud and joyous conversation drifts up into his room.
He sits up slowly, rubbing his bleary eyes with a lazy hand and breathing in deep. He knows he should go downstairs and eat something, since he skipped dinner, but he’s just simply not in the mood.
He can hear his mother’s voice getting louder as she and his father make their way the stairs and he sighs. It’s been three days since he’s last spoken to his mother after their last argument – one where she insisted that he attend a party with one of her friend’s daughters as his date - and he’s sure it’s going be more a least a week more until they talk again. His mother is a stubborn woman who believes she is always right and will not speak to him until he apologizes, even if Blaine has done nothing wrong. Blaine’s father has tried to mediate the two, but to no avail.
Blaine flops back onto his bed, glancing around his room in the darkness. He does miss his mother’s company, for he does enjoy her presence when she’s in a pleasant mood, but he won’t apologize to her, not this time.
So he’ll wait, and if she really loves him, she’ll come to him.
In the meantime, he still has Kurt and his father on the occasion that he’s home, Cooper whenever he can get a hold of him, and tentatively, Burt and Carole.
He sends out a quick text to Kurt before he closes his eyes and drifts back to sleep.
TO KURT:
going to bed, but i wanted to tell you i love you and i hope your flight was okay. i miss you already so much.
-
The situation at home gets worse, his mother won’t even look at him anymore and with his father called away on business for the next month, Blaine feels like a stranger in his own house.
He tries to distract himself with Kurt though, and it works for the most part, especially when Kurt has so much to talk about once he lands the job at Vogue.com and moves into his new place with Rachel.
Blaine lives off of Kurt’s excitement and joy, so relieved to find Kurt thriving and happy, instead of how despondent he had been still in Lima after he’d graduated.
He knows now, listening to Kurt as he talks about the fantastic bakery around the corner that Blaine just has to go to when he visits, that sending Kurt off to New York was the right thing to do, no matter how hollow he’s been feeling ever since.
“Hey, Kurt?”
Kurt’s story comes to a halt and he teasingly replies, “Hey, Blaine.”
Blaine laughs, snuggling into his pillow and smiling at the care package that sits on his desk, which he plans to send out tomorrow for Kurt.
“I love you.” He says, his voice full of love, and he holds his breath while he waits for Kurt’s voice to answer him.
On the other end, Kurt gives a happy laugh, his voice low and secretive when he says, “I love you too, Blaine.”
-
Blaine gets a text message while he’s in study hall, a large calculus book spread open in front of him, his brow furrowed at the complicated words and equations on the pages. He takes his phone out with relieved sigh, thankful for the brief distraction and smiles when he notices who it’s from.
FROM KURT:
I won’t be able to make our lunch phone date, sorry :( but I got your package and I love it!! You’re the best, baby, I love you! Muah. :-*
Blaine sighs and glances around the library, texting Kurt back quickly as he feels the disappointment and sadness creeping up on him.
-
It continues like this for the next week, Kurt cancels phone dates and forgets to reply to messages, though their Skype dates thankfully remain untouched.
But Blaine’s psyche keeps taking blows. His mother starts to speak to him again, but only in veiled insults and disappointed statements, the jocks have picked up the bullying again, and while it isn’t as physical as previous years, Blaine feels as if he’d rather take shoves and dumpster tosses than the quiet hisses in the hallways on how worthless he is, how he should simply end his life and be done with it.
It’s taking a toll on Blaine, but he fights hard, reasons that just as long as he has Kurt he can last the year and then they’ll be together, away from a poor excuse of a mother, ignorant athletes and self involved ‘friends’.
Just a couple more months, he thinks to himself as he walks down the halls, flinching instinctively when Ryans – a football player that likes to personally attack Blaine – walks towards him.
“Worthless piece of trash.” Ryans whispers as he reaches Blaine, sneering at him and bumping into him, not hard enough for Blaine to stumble, but enough for his things to fall out of his arms and on to the floor, his homework and notes scattering along the cool tiles.
Blaine sighs and drops to his knees, gathering his things and wincing when a girl carelessly steps on his hand. He stays there in the middle of the hallway, frowning as no one stops to help him.
-
Hi, you’ve reached Kurt Hummel. I’m not able to answer your call right now but if you’d leave a message I’ll get back you as soon as I can!
A deep sigh and then, “Hey, babe. Um, just wanted to talk but, um… call me back as soon as you can okay? I love you and I miss you so much. Okay well, I guess uh… bye.”
-
Blaine looks around, watching his friends celebrate his and Sam’s win. They all look so happy, so proud, but Blaine just feels numb.
His stomach grumbles in hunger, but he ignores it, walks outside instead to try and call Kurt once more.
He just wants to hear Kurt tell him that he’s proud of him, that he loves him. It’s been days since their last Skype call and two weeks since Kurt last sent a letter in the mail. His texts are now becoming increasingly half hearted and his emails keep getting shorter and shorter, I love you's and I miss you's being replaced by Can you believe what I just did? and I just have to tell you the latest at the office.
Kurt’s forgetting him, and it kills Blaine to realize this.
When the call doesn’t get answered yet again, Blaine simply puts his phone back in his pocket and leaves, his car silent as it zooms down the road, his knuckles white from their tight grip.
-
Kurt,
Couldn’t get you on phone, so I figured I email you. Sam and I won the election! Isn’t that great? I decided to forgo the bowtie in the end – per Sam’s advice. Is it weird that I felt a little naked without it?
I’ll be sending out a package tomorrow for you, so look for it the mail in the next couple of days. ;)
I went to your house the other day, but Carole was at work and I guess Burt is in Washington again? If you talk to them anytime soon, send them my love.
Also, apparently Coop got some part in some weird sci-fi movie. He’s going to be on location in Vancouver for while. It sounds fun and I’ve heard that Vancouver is beautiful.
Dad is still in London and Mom is finally speaking to me again, though I try to ignore most of what she says for the most part. It’s not rude if you’re ignoring someone who’s insulting you, right?
Things in Glee are okay. The new kids are still finding their ground and Britney sort of had a meltdown, but Sam talked to her and now she’s a little better. I think she really misses Santana. Tina’s been weird though and we haven’t really talked much. I’m not sure if she thinks I took Mike’s side or something, but she doesn’t really speak to me anymore. Has she said anything to you about that?
Anyway enough about me, how are things in New York? I really, really miss you. I hope everything is great over there and make sure you get some sleep! Don’t think Rachel doesn’t tell me all about your late nights working. You have to take care of yourself, Kurt.
I have about three hours of homework and I still have to make dinner, so I’ll end my email here. Give my love to Rachel.
I love you so much,
Blaine
-
It is just Blaine’s luck that one Kitty Wilde – and Blaine seriously raises an eyebrow at that – is on the student council. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to deal with her much seeing as how she’s a sophomore, but since she’s an officer he has to endure her presence in the officer meetings.
He’s heard from Marley about how vicious Kitty is, but since he’s never seen or heard anything firsthand, he can’t bring himself to make a judgment yet.
Blaine rubs his eyes tiredly as the meeting continues on. He hadn’t been able to get to sleep last night, tossing and turning in the wake of yet another canceled call. All night he’d laid in bed, his eyes staring into darkness, dark whispers clouding his mind.
Kurt doesn’t love you.
You’re trash.
Worthless.
No one wants you.
No one loves you.
Just kill yourself already.
Blaine sighs deeply and Sam raises an eyebrow at him from his seat next to him. Blaine just shrugs in response and then drifts through the rest of the meeting, jolting in surprise when everyone starts to leave. Sam claps him on the back and runs off, eager to be free of the responsibilities of being vice president for the day.
Blaine is left to clean up the room and he thinks he’s alone until he hears someone clear their throat behind him. When he turns, he spots Kitty leaning against a table, her eyes narrowed, a dangerous smirk upon her lips.
“Hello, Blaine.”
He cringes at how maliciously she says his name, but he makes himself smile politely at her.
“Hi, Kitty. How can I help you?”
She walks towards him with her arms crossed, her eyes glinting with malice as she spits out her vicious words.
“Actually, I think you can help me. See I just wasted this past hour being nauseated by your poor, pathetic, little sad face and I simply don’t want to go through that again. I know your twink boyfriend is having the time of his life in New York and has most likely forgotten you - because let’s face it, who wouldn’t? – but the rest of the student body shouldn’t have to deal with you. Its time you opened your weird little half-breed eyes and realize how utterly worthless you are. No one will miss you if you’re gone, Blaine. No one.”
She follows him out of the room when he runs, shouting how easy it’d be for him to just end it all, how it would make everyone’s lives better, that Kurt doesn’t need him, doesn’t want him-
Blaine runs and runs and runs, until the only voices he can hear yelling at him are the ones in his head; his own, his mother’s, his father’s, Cooper’s and worst of all, Kurt’s.
-
“-and things are just so crazy around the office, Blaine I can’t believe it!”
“Yeah I can imagine. But, hey I wanted to talk to you about someth-“
“-Oh! And I just have to tell you about this amazing club I went to on Friday with Anne and Chase. Blaine. It. Was. Spectacular.”
“Wow. Kurt that sounds… great.”
“Ugh, I have to go, Rachel’s commandeered my time tonight to go to Callbacks. But, hey, you sound tired, so make sure you get some sleep, okay? I love you!”
“Right, okay. I love y-“
The line clicks, and then all there is left is silence.
-
Blaine stares down at the items on his bed. Kitty is right, it would be so easy, and no one would have to waste their time on him anymore. Kurt obviously doesn’t want him around anymore, and Blaine thinks, well why would he?
The pain pills, leftover from both his injuries sustained after Sadie Hawkins and his eye surgery, a shiny, sharp razor lying next to it and a letter tucked away in an envelope.
His father is due home tonight for just two days until he’s back on business, and so Blaine carefully tucks away his weapons in his nightstand drawer for another day.
-
-if you’d leave a message I’ll get back you as soon as I can!
“Kurt, I –I love you. I love you so much. Please, um, please call me back as soon as you can.”
-
TO KURT:
can’t sleep so I thought I’d send you a little message. I love you, love you, love you. things around here aren’t the best, so I hope we can talk soon? i really miss your voice.
-
Kurt,
Do you remember that awful girl at The Lima Bean your second week working there? And how you called her evil and I said we shouldn’t pass judgment on her? I was wrong and you were right. She’s horrible, Kurt. Every time she sees me its like she just knows what to say to get to me.
The jocks have upped the bullying. Before it was just taunts and whispers, but they’ve decided to pick up the shoves and slushies again. Figures.
Dad’s brief visit back was great… until Mom decided to bring up Dalton again. Dad tried to defend me, but Mom lost it. I don’t think I can take anymore of this.
How was your day at work? Rachel says even she barely sees you and she lives with you, so I assume things are great on that front – networking and all that, taking up your time right?
I really miss you, Kurt. Do you miss me too?
I love you more than anything.
Love,
Blaine
-
The cold tile grounds him as he sits alone in his bathroom, the all too white walls around him suffocating him. He turns the razor over and over delicately in his hands, contemplating. Blaine hasn’t spoken to Kurt in four days and he’s never felt so alone.
His mind fills with visions of Kurt happy without him, hanging on the arm of a tall, light haired man as he talks about how free he feels without the weight of Blaine anchoring him down.
Numbly, he brings the sharp edge of the razor against his skin, pressing down and watching, fascinated, as a little bead of blood wells up and trails down his wrist.
He makes a decent sized cut, detached from the pain, and becomes satisfied with the result.
-
Standing alone, feeling like he is isolated from the world in the hallway, Blaine blinks back tears as Kurt ends the call, cutting Blaine’s I love you off. Distantly, he can hear the shrill bell ringing, signaling that it is time for his lunch, but Blaine doesn’t follow it.
Instead, he heads home, hands trembling as he drives, his heart pounding with the thought of what will come next.
-
TO KURT:
it hurts to breathe.
Send | Cancel
-
It is a slow descent, but once he has reached rock bottom the cracks and fissures that have formed inside of him shatter him to pieces and he takes one last, deeply desperate attempt to put himself back to together.
And he reasons with himself, if his last hope ends up failing him, then he will be content to end it all, perfectly happy to have his last conversation with the only person he has and will ever love with all of his being.
-
Things happen quickly once he makes his decision and one moment he’s sitting in front of a bright screen, ordering his last minute ticket, and the next he is boarding the plane, feeling detached from his body as he moves.
No one knows where he’s going, and he figures its better this way. If this trip turns out for the worst, he’ll simply return home without another word, lie down on his bed and end it all, drift off peacefully into a never ending sleep.
Blaine sighs, closes his eyes, his head lolling against the headrest as he waits for the plane to take off.
-
Kurt’s excited face and voice when he sees Blaine at his door almost reduces him to tears. But he composes himself in the blink of an eye and smiles bright, donning his mask and playing along for Kurt and Rachel and Finn.
On the way to Callbacks, Blaine’s hand warm and secure in Kurt’s grasp, he takes in deep breaths and focuses on how Kurt speaks to him. Kurt sounds so happy to have Blaine here and instead of Kurt talking about work or his and Rachel’s adventures, Kurt speaks so excitedly about how he had coffee at that café yesterday and imagined Blaine there with him and how he always feels like something is missing when he walks down the New York streets.
But still, Blaine waits.
Kurt looks so happy and he can’t ruin that, so instead he sits next him in the small karaoke bar and lets himself get caught up in Kurt and the city around them and the joyous people seated with them.
Blaine attempts a half hearted excuse when Kurt asks if he’s okay. He can tell that Kurt is seeing through his façade, but he can’t let go, not yet.
Kurt grabs his hands and plays with them while Rachel sings with Brody, and Blaine loses himself in the feeling of Kurt’s soft skin against his. When he sees Rachel sit back down, he jolts, speaking up with determination before he fully realizes what he’s said.
“I want to sing something.”
Kurt smiles at him when Brody tells him where to go and Blaine walks on shaky legs, feeling as if he’s walking to his death on a thin plank, the stormy seas raging below him.
He talks to Pascal briefly about taking over reins of the piano, and Blaine is thankful that the man is kind and understanding, for he feels as if he’s about to break any second.
After a small introduction, his voice shaking throughout, he begins to sing. And all at once, through every verse and beat, he sees his relationship with Kurt in his head, from fumbling schoolboys to secretive talks between the sheets, tearful confessions and bodies moving as one.
Before he had met Kurt, he was content; not overtly happy, but not overcome with sadness either. He felt unfulfilled though, as if waiting for something to fill a gaping hole inside of him. And then Kurt came, with his sad eyes and sharp wit and Blaine felt like something was clicking together within him. Here was a boy – almost a man – who understood Blaine in a way that he hadn’t had in his whole life.
Kurt wormed his way into Blaine’s life, filling it with vulnerability, love, acceptance and a sense of home.
And now, his voice cracking over a song so important to him, Blaine realizes that he needs to trust in Kurt. He needs to tell Kurt how he’s been feeling; how worthless and alone he’s felt, he needs Kurt to know about the pills and the razor, the goodbye letter, the angry red lines on his wrist.
He finishes his song with a last exhausted note and the crowd around him applauds and whistles, oblivious to his distress, but he only has eyes and ears for Kurt’s reaction. It’s difficult to see him from the stage and so he stands and begins his slow walk back to the table, looking intently at where Kurt is seated.
Rachel squeezes his arm when he reaches them, Finn claps him on the back and Brody offers him impressed words, but Blaine pays them no mind, his eyes glued to Kurt’s shocked face, a hand held against his mouth, eyes narrowed and watering.
He clears his throat and speaks as he stands, gathering his and Blaine’s coats. “Hey, guys… me and Blaine will see you later okay?”
Rachel pouts but Kurt dismisses her, eyes never leaving the broken boy in front of him, and he hands Blaine his coat and ushers him out of the stuffy bar.
Blaine takes in a large breath, closing his eyes briefly, and follows.
-
They walk in silence for a while, Blaine avoiding Kurt’s gaze and Kurt struggling to find his words until finally he manages to speak.
“So that was… moving. I guess I’m kind of wondering why that was.”
Blaine stuffs his hands in his pockets so that Kurt doesn’t see them shake and says, “Well, you know I uh, I really missed you.”
He finally looks over at Kurt and swallows hard at Kurt’s glassy eyes, his heart aching with the knowledge that he puts that moisture there.
“I missed you too. And I’m really glad that you’re here. But… you’ve been so emotional and weirdly sad. Please stop pretending there’s nothing wrong.”
His body stops of its own accord, his feet ceasing their movement and he looks down at the ground, breathing in deep, his eyes closing tightly when Kurt takes his hand n his, rubbing circles into his skin with his thumb.
“I – I just…”
He feels Kurt move in even closer, a comforting hand rubbing at his shoulder and Blaine finally breaks, his walls shattering into a thousand pieces, his mask melting off of him. Kurt catches him as he crumbles, knees suddenly weak, and he sucks in a shuddering breath as strong, steady arms hold him tight, wrapping him up and shielding him.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay, whatever it is we’ll make it better, okay? Blaine, shh, it’s okay, calm down.”
He nods jerkily against Kurt’s chest, his hot tears staining Kurt’s shirt, and follows blindly when Kurt guides them home, holding onto Kurt like a lifeline, his knuckles white from their tight grip, his face hidden in Kurt’s coat.
Blaine doesn’t register the fact that they’ve made it back home until he’s being pushed down gently onto Kurt’s bed, the scent of mint and vanilla surrounding him.
Kurt lies down quietly on the other side of the bed, facing him with a worried expression, and tucks a rebel curl behind Blaine’s ear.
“Tell me.” He says softly, his fingers stroking through curls that have escaped Blaine’s gel, eyes searching Blaine’s, cloudy with anguish.
Blaine sighs shakily, chest stuttering, and with trembling fingers he lifts up the sleeve of his shirt, turning his arm over and exposing the cuts on the soft underside of his wrist. Kurt gasps and reaches forward, his fingers caressing the irritated skin like satin.
“Blaine…”
“I’ve been… having these – these horrible thoughts, how I’m just…worthless and I’ve been so alone, Kurt and – and I – I tried to tell you but you’ve been so busy… And, I um, I had everything ready to – to end it: a razor, some pills… I even wrote a note but I – I was too scared and I needed to tell you before I – Kurt I just, I need you and it – it hurts. It hurts so bad, all the time.”
Kurt gathers him in his arms as Blaine’s words taper off in violent sobs. He shushes him and rocks him, his arms holding tight, face wet with his own devastated tears.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Blaine. I never – I never, never meant to make you feel like that, I swear. I love you so much, Blaine.”
“But – but I feel like we never talk anymore. Our phone calls get cut off early, we haven’t Skyped in weeks, and it feels like days before you text me or email me back. What was I supposed to think, Kurt? I get it, okay? You – you don’t want me anymore, but just tell me, just-“
“Blaine, no, no baby, that’s not it. Blaine, it’s not. I just get so busy and sometimes it’s so hard to find the time, but Blaine you have to know that I love reading your emails and your texts and I reread all your letters before bed. In fact, I was planning on sending out a package for you this weekend and I have a draft in my email just waiting for me to send it, but I wanted it to be perfect for you. Blaine you – you mean the world to me and I don’t – I don’t think I could handle it if you – god, Blaine I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
No more words are spoken then as they both hold tight to each other and sob. Blaine feels like a giant weight has been lifted just by beginning to talk about what has been hurting him these past couple of weeks.
After what seems like hours, their tears run dry and they simply lay there in the darkness, their bodies intertwined and their minds go blank from exhaustion as they succumb to a dreamless sleep.
-
When Blaine wakes the next morning, his eyes are puffy and his head pounds, but despite this he feels as if he just woke up from the best sleep he’s had in weeks.
Kurt’s side of the bed is empty, but it’s still warm, so Blaine lays back and stares bleary eyed up at the ceiling, waiting for Kurt to come back to him.
Just five minutes later, Kurt does comes back, his own face still blotchy, his eyes red and tired, and he looks back over his shoulder before climbing onto the bed and taking Blaine’s hands in his.
“We’re going to work on this - both of us - okay? I’m going to try my hardest to make time to talk to you and I’ll try as hard as I can to not have to cancel our dates. I’m the busiest during the day, so don’t feel discouraged if I can’t make time though. If it’s something really important then call my work number, alright? And you have to tell me what you’re feeling Blaine, and don’t feel bad if you have to shout at me to get me to listen.”
Kurt gives a wry smile at that and Blaine nods with teary eyes, squeezing Kurt’s hands and unconsciously moving towards the heat of his body.
“And – and Blaine, you… you need to talk to somebody about this. I can’t be the only one to help you through this. Talk to your dad, or Miss Pillsbury, or Cooper or my parents, I don’t care, but you need someone there with you.”
“Okay,” he whispers, his voice small and soft, full of fear of what he knows will be a difficult road ahead.
Kurt tilts his chin up and smiles sadly, kisses him gently and wipes away Blaine’s tears with his thumbs. When he pulls away, Blaine lays his head in the curve of Kurt’s neck, pressing his lips against the scar there, his mouth curving into a small smile when Kurt shivers.
“We’ll make this better, Blaine, I promise.”
Later on that day there will be frantic rushing to find a ticket back to Ohio for Blaine, there will be phone calls to parents on both sides, they will research therapists and support groups, compose an email to one Emma Pillsbury, and make out a new plan for phone and Skype dates.
But for now there is a brief amount of peace surrounding them as they sit together, Blaine practically curled up in Kurt’s lap, and Kurt content to hold him, his head resting atop Blaine’s.