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After it snows, she returns to the cabin at dawn. The forest is almost unrecognisable, in a better circumstance she'd say it was beautiful. But all Natalie can think about is how any prey will hear her from miles away. She's shivering even in Travis' flannel shirt, her trousers damp around her ankles and she hates how she can see her breath like smoke.
They never found Javi last night. Guilt pierces her chest at the fact. No matter how many times they called his name, how far out they dared to tread, he was nowhere to be found. They'd retreated to the shack only when it began to blizzard; sleeping back to back without a word.
(Nat's trying not to think about it.)
She stumbles into the clearing soon enough. The cabin's still standing and there's no sign that anything's wrong. The fire is buried in snow, but she can make out something on the other side. Frowning, she steps around the campfire, letting her bag hang off her arm as she cranes her neck.
What the fuck?
Someone's lying there. She can hardly tell them apart from the frost, but Nat immediately falls to her knees, trembling hands cupping their face. Javi? She claws haphazardly against the snow, dragging whatever she can find to her chest. There's no relief when she sees Jackie's face. Her mouth falls open and her eyes sting. Nat wants to scream for help but nothing comes out but a croak.
Her hands are freezing but she keeps digging her up, brushing down her letterman jacket and freeing her arms so she can hook her hands beneath them and pull. Jackie slumps limply into her arms. Her lips are blue and she feels so empty that something inside Nat breaks. She holds her tightly enough to bruise, rubbing her hands up and down her arms.
Natalie can't stop rocking back and forth, opening her mouth but saying nothing. She screams so loud she can't hear herself do it. She feels it tear her throat apart, but it's like she's underwater, far away from herself. Someone help me, Nat thinks she hears herself wail. All that plays in her head is Jackie standing in front of her.
I love how you don't care what anybody thinks. Nat faintly hears the cabin door open, footsteps pounding out. She feels Jackie's ribs beneath her clothes. You're so completely yourself. She can't remember the last time they did anything but fight. She can't remember the last thing she said to her but she knows it wasn't kind and -
Natalie buries her face in Jackie's hair. There's no pulse where her hand lies over her chest. What had been the last thing Jackie said to her? Something about her knife. Distantly she hears someone scream, but she has to look away from Jackie. She looks at Jackie. Wonders why this feels like the first time she's ever lost anybody. Like her dad didn't blow half his head off on their doorstep. Like Coach hadn't been impaled by a tree.
She'd been so angry with her. Now she can't remember what for. Someone shakes her, tries to pull her away but Nat can't let go. Her fingers are like talons in Jackie's skin, and she knows this is her fault. That if she hadn't been such an asshole maybe Jackie wouldn't have felt like she couldn't sleep inside.
She's never going to see her smile again. She's never going to hear her stupid ideas, hear a pep talk before a game, watch her score the winning kick. Nat hears someone sobbing her name and looks up through her tears to see Shauna, completely distraught. It makes her feel worse.
When she's too tired to sit up, she lets someone take her inside. She can't speak, can hardly bear to breathe, but someone wraps her in a blanket and leaves her on that side of the room. Nat hears people whisper amongst themselves, mentions of Jackie's name and what to do next. She turns onto her side. Doesn't realise Jackie slept the same.