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She calls herself Phobia. If she hits you with her quirk, your deepest fear is amplified for 24 hours. It can be deeply debilitating or completely useless, depending on your fear.
She'd got Kacchan with it. Izuku is sitting at his bedside in the hospital, trying to figure out what Katsuki's deepest fear was. It hadn't been the quirk that had knocked him out, but the metal beam that fell on him; the doctors said he should be fine, now, other than whatever the quirk will do.
"Deku," a hoarse voice says. His head snaps up and his eyes meet Katsuki’s, burning red.
"Kacchan!" He breathes out in relief, hand immediately finding Katsuki's without even really thinking about it. "Hi. You're okay." Katsuki's fingers curl around Izuku's. "Do you remember what happened?"
Katsuki's eyebrows furrow. "That bitch hit me with her quirk."
"Yeah,” Izuku says, thumb tracing over the smooth skin of Katsuki's hand. Hopefully Katsuki is too drugged up to remember. "I've been trying to figure out what you're most afraid of."
"M'not scared of anything," Katsuki says grandly, if a little weakly. "I don't really like centipedes, though."
Izuku laughs. "I'll tell Centipeder not to visit," he says, letting go of Katsuki’s hand and standing up. "I'm gonna go tell the nurses you're awake."
And Katsuki cries out, “No.” His voice is filled with so much pain and anguish that Izuku's head swivels around the room, half expecting to see some horrible villain based on Katsuki’s tone. But there's nothing— when he looks back, Katsuki is staring at him with wide eyes filled with tears. Izuku's jaw drops open.
"What?"
"Don't leave," he begs. "Izuku please you can't —”
"Okay," Izuku says, mind going a mile a minute. "Okay, okay, I won't. I'm not leaving, I promise." Katsuki still looks scared, so Izuku sits back down and grabs his hand; Katsuki is shaking, and Izuku moves to sit on the bed so he’s closer to him.
He knows what this means, but he's having a hard time wrapping his head around it.
"You have to promise," Katsuki says quietly. Izuku feels his heart break.
"I promise," he says again, as the undeniable truth sits clear before his eyes. The thing that scared Katsuki the most was losing him.
When they’ve sat together for a while, and the panic has worn off, Katsuki won’t look him in the eye.
“Kacchan,” he says quietly. “We need to talk about this.”
“No,” Katsuki says stubbornly, despite the fact that they were still holding hands.
"Kacchan,” he says seriously. “I mean it. This is going to last for 24 hours. We have to talk about it.”
"Izuku," Katsuki says, staring up at the ceiling. "We'll talk about it later, I swear. But I can't right now. Everything is all fucked up inside me." He fists a hand over his chest, and Izuku finds himself remembering a battlefield and Kacchan's exploded heart.
"Yeah, okay," he says. "I won't push. But Kacchan, you have to—"
"I promise, alright? I swear on your stupid limited edition All Might holographic card."
"But that's mine! You can't swear on something I own, it has to be something of yours."
"Says who?"
Izuku is saved from having to answer this when the door opens and Aizawa enters. He takes one look at the scene in front of him and lets out a beleaguered sigh.
"What is it now, problem children?"
Kacchan's cheeks are red, and he's not looking at Aizawa. He's embarrassed. Izuku knocks his knee against Kacchan's and answers their teacher.
"Um, so, we found out what Kacchan is afraid of. And we— uh, won't be able to be separated until it wears off."
Aizawa shakes his head. "Not much different than before," he says, and now Izuku is red, too. "You've been discharged, Bakugou. You can head back to campus."
The two of them don't talk as Kacchan gets dressed, but Kacchan sticks close to him the whole way back to school, sides and arms bumping against each other. Izuku spends almost the whole time trying to decide if he should take Kacchan's hand every time their fingers brush.
They don't speak until the campus comes into view; Izuku takes a quick look at his face and says, "What are we going to tell everyone, Kacchan? I mean— I don't mind, but I'm sure you don't want people to know about your, um, fears—"
Kacchan breathes out heavily through his nose, but instead of answering, he stops in the middle of the sidewalk and lets out a frustrated yell, dropping down into a crouch.
"I fucking hate this," he says, muffled into his hands. Izuku feels his heart break. He hates seeing Kacchan like this. "I feel stupid and weak and—"
Izuku crouches down in front of him and gently pulls Kacchan's hands away. "You're not stupid or weak," he says. "This isn't your fault, Kacchan."
Kacchan glares at him. His eyes are filled with tears, and he wipes at them angrily. "Yes it fucking is. If I'd been faster she wouldn't have got me with her quirk."
"Don't say that—"
"Why not! I wasn't good enough and now everything's gonna be fucked and weird between us—"
"Why would things be weird?" Izuku asks genuinely. Kacchan gives a disbelieving look and then shakes his head.
"Whatever," he says, standing back up, and Izuku follows his lead. "If any of the extras ask just tell them to fuck off."
"I'm probably not going to do that," Izuku admits. Kacchan's lips curl up at the edges, a smile that only Izuku ever sees.
"Then I'll tell them to fuck off. Come on, nerd. I'm hungry."
They fall back into step, just as close as before, even when they get to their dorms. Kacchan shoves the door open and saunters in with the same bluster as usual, except this time he keeps his pace deliberately slow so Izuku can stay in step beside him.
It's coming up on 7pm, and the common area is mostly full. Heads pop up when they enter, and a few people immediately scurry over. Kirishima, Sero, Tsuyu, and a handful of others start up a barrage of questions.
"What happened?"
"Are you okay?"
"Did you get the villain?"
Kacchan lifts his palms and lets off a flurry of sparks, and everyone except Izuku takes a few steps back. "Fuck off,” Kacchan says. "Who made dinner."
Izuku follows as Kacchan stomps into the kitchen and starts helping himself to leftovers. It had been Hagakure's turn to cook, which meant Ojiro helped. Kacchan sniffs at it and makes a face before he takes down two plates and heats dinner up for him and Izuku. He does it without seeming to even think about it, and Izuku feels very warm.
Their classmates try a different route, sending only Kirishima and lida into the kitchen to try and get the details.
"So are you okay, man?" Kirishima asks, not dissuaded when Kacchan smacks his hand out of the way.
"Indeed!" lida says, waving his hand. "We heard you had an encounter with a villain! Did you escape unscathed?"
"Didn't I tell you to fuck off," Kacchan mutters. He's uncomfortable, Izuku can tell from the set of his shoulders and the way he stabs at his food. Izuku feels protectiveness well up inside him, and he steps in between Kacchan and the others.
"Kacchan got hit in the head," he says, which is not a lie. "The doctors told him to take it easy."
"Of course!" lida says. "We will ensure nothing bothers you!"
"You're bothering me, glasses."
"Could you maybe tell everyone to leave us alone? After dinner we're just going to go study upstairs."
Kirishima nods; he's picked up on Kacchan's mood, too. "Yeah, for sure man. Let me know if you need anything, yeah?" Kacchan scowls, but he doesn't shove off Kirishima's hand this time.
When they're finished eating, the two of them wash up together and then head upstairs; as per lida's instructions, nobody bothers them. No one even seems to question why Izuku is going with him, either. Although thinking about it, he and Kacchan did normally get together in the evenings to spar or study. They're probably used to it; and if anyone notices how close they are, or the way Kacchan grabs the back of his shirt as they head upstairs— well, no one mentions that either.
On the stairs Izuku says, "What do you want to do, Kacchan? If we can't, um, be apart?"
Kacchan scowls, ears turning red. "Get your books. Might as well do some fucking studying."
"Okay!" Izuku says, excited at this idea— he could use Kacchan's help with math. "I'll grab my books and meet you upstairs!" He's just about to run to his room when a hand clamps down on his arm, and Kacchan says "Izuku," in a voice strangled with fear.
"Shit," lzuku says, spinning back around. Kacchan's face is pale and his hand on Izuku's arm is shaking. "Kacchan, I'm sorry— that was careless of me, I should have—"
"S'fine," Kacchan says, and Izuku knows that it's not, but Kacchan doesn't want to talk about it anymore. "Let's go."
Kacchan stands in the doorway, watching as Izuku gathers up his books. He grabs his phone charger, too; something tells him he's going to be spending the night in Kacchan's room. Better hope lida doesn't find out.
When they get to Kacchan's room they settle into a common routine; they sit on the ground with their backs against Kacchan's bed, knees pressed together as Kacchan berates him for his math.
"How the fuck do you mess up your equations so badly but still get the right answer?"
Izuku leans in to look over at his work. Kacchan's breath stirs his hair. "Where did I go wrong?"
For a couple hours, things are normal between them; they sit on the floor pressed together, and eventually they give up on homework and studying and end up watching old AlI Might videos. The only thing that is a little different is when Izuku gets up to use Kacchan's bathroom; Kacchan tenses up, but he doesn't get up to follow him or anything, even if he does somehow sit even closer when Izuku gets back.
By nine-o-clock Kacchan can't stop yawning, but he doesn't make any move to go to bed— it takes Izuku far too long to realize he doesn't know how to ask Izuku to stay.
"Kacchan," he says quietly. "I brought my phone charger. I can stay the night."
Kacchan lets out a frustrated sigh, but he doesn't argue. He shuts his laptop harshly.
"It's not a big deal," Izuku says. "It'll just be like when we were kids and had sleepovers."
Kacchan scoffs, standing up and offering Izuku a hand that he gladly takes. "Whatever," he says. "I still fucking hate this." He turns his back to Izuku and strips off his shirt and pants. Izuku watches the slim lines of his waist and the breadth of his shoulders and the muscles in his back, and he's so distracted that it isn't until Kacchan has thrown on a tank top ( arms , Izuku's brain very helpfully supplies) and a pair of pyjama pants that Izuku realizes he forgot something downstairs.
"Kacchan, can I borrow a shirt? I forgot to bring pyjamas."
Kacchan gives him an unreadable look for a few moments before he wordlessly fishes a shirt out of his drawer and throws it at Izuku. He strips down to his underwear and then pulls the shirt on over his head. It's one of Kacchan's skull shirts, and it smells like the soap he uses. He has to resist the very strong urge to bury his nose in the collar and inhale.
On the other side of the room, Kacchan makes a noise like he'd just been sucker punched in the stomach, and Izuku turns to him in concern.
"Are you okay, Kacchan?"
"Fuckin' fine," he says, not looking at Izuku. "I have an extra toothbrush."
"Oh! Right, thank you."
They brush their teeth in silence; Kacchan watches him in the mirror, flush high on his cheeks, but every time Izuku tries to make eye contact he looks away.
When they're finished, Izuku follows Kacchan back into his bedroom, but he pauses when Kacchan gets into bed.
"Do you— um, where should I—"
"Just get into bed, moron," Kacchan says, but then he adds, "Sleep on the floor if you're not comfortable, I don't care." He does care though, Izuku can hear it in his voice. He wants Izuku near him. Which is fine, because Izuku wants to be near him, too. He crawls into bed beside Kacchan, and he pretends not to notice the relief that spreads through him when he sees lzuku isn't going to sleep on the floor.
The bed is too small for them to keep any real distance between them; Kacchan turns over onto his side away from him, and Izuku stares at the ceiling as his breathing evens out. Kacchan had always been able to fall asleep so quickly. Izuku envied him that.
Izuku lies awake for hours, trying to sort through his feelings, trying to figure out what this all meant. He hasn't really had a chance to think about this; he'd been so preoccupied with making sure Kacchan was okay. But now, with darkness all around and the sound of Kacchan's gentle breathing beside him, there's nothing to stop the waterfall of thoughts that cascades through his brain.
Kacchan's biggest fear was losing him. Izuku has seen the proof of that, but he's still finding it hard to believe. Sure, Kacchan and him had become incredibly close over the years since the war, but he never thought that Kacchan felt like this. And what did it mean? Did— did Kacchan have feelings for him?
For years now, Izuku has been doing his best to ignore the way he felt about Kacchan, because the way he felt about Kacchan was so big. It felt like a supernova in his chest, and if Izuku stared at it for too long he was liable to panic. But he looks at it now, he has to. Even without a fear amplifying quirk, the thought of losing Kacchan made him go cold. It's a common theme in his nightmares— Kacchan's lifeless, bloody body torn open on a battlefield. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and texts Kacchan just to make sure he's okay. Somehow, Kacchan is always awake, always texts him back so Izuku knows he's safe.
So he gets it. The big, heavy feeling in his chest that he can't quite name. Love doesn't seem big enough to hold it— what is a four letter word compared to all they'd been through? But if he had to put a name to it… if he had to put it into words, that is probably the best one. Love. Fear. They were kind of the same thing, when you got down to it. The more love you feel, the more fear that goes along with that. He thinks about how hard he'd worked to try to make it so his mother and the other people he cared about wouldn't worry about him. How foolish he was, to think that possible.
He lays awake for so long that he ends up needing to pee again; quietly he slips out of bed and into the small bathroom, eyes squinting into the light. He's in the middle of washing his hands when the bathroom door bangs open and Kacchan enters. He looks like he's seen a ghost, pale and eyes wide, chest heaving.
"Deku," he says. Izuku quickly rinses his hands and dries them. "I— you were— I woke up and you weren't there—"
Horror spikes through him. "Oh Kacchan, I'm sorry. I should have— I should have woken you up, I—" Kacchan is still looking shaken, still looking at him with wide eyes, and Izuku takes advantage of the liminal space that is a dorm room bathroom at nearing midnight, and he steps forward and wraps his arms around Kacchan. He's not sure if the two of them have ever hugged, not even when they were kids. Now he wraps his arms around Kacchan's middle and hugs him, and everything is all fucked up and upside down, because Kacchan hugs him back.
"I'm sorry," Izuku says again. "Kacchan. Let's go back to bed."
Kacchan lets himself be led back into the bedroom and into bed. They don't cuddle, or anything, but Kacchan lies right next to him, sides aligned. His fingers grip the hem of the shirt Izuku is wearing.
"Kacchan," lzuku finally says, staring up at the ceiling still. "Is this… is this my fault? Because I left?"
I had to, he'd told Kacchan once they'd dragged Izuku back home.
I get that, Kacchan had said. I just don't get why you couldn't bring me.
Beside him, Kacchan sighs. "Part of it," he admits. "But— part of it's me, too. And how I treated you before. Part of me is still waiting for you to come to your damn senses and tell me to fuck off."
"Wh— Kacchan." He turns onto his side, and Kacchan does too, so they're able to look at each other in the dim light filtering in through the curtains. "I thought we'd worked through this. You apologized. We talked things out." Extensively— they'd stayed up all night talking on the roof, still healing from their injuries from the war. Back when half of Kacchan's face was paralyzed, and Izuku couldn't laugh without wincing.
"I know," Kacchan says. "But there— there's something in me, a voice I can't get to shut up, that says I still don't deserve this."
"But Kacchan—"
"I know," Kacchan says. "But I can't just shut up my brain."
Izuku takes a chance and slips his hand into Kacchan's, who grips his fingers like a lifeline.
"I'm not going anywhere," Izuku whispers. "Not without you, at least."
"You can't promise that though," Kacchan says. "Something could always happen. I always knew becoming a hero would involve facing my own death, but now I gotta face yours, too." And Izuku can't say anything about that, because it's true. Being a hero means being ready for death at any moment, but it also means being ready for your loved ones to watch you die. That’s a harder pill to swallow, the ones you leave behind.
"I don't want to lose you either," Izuku says. "It makes me panic."
"Yeah, well. At least I can be out of your line of vision without you throwing a shitfit.”
"The quirk will wear off tomorrow, Kacchan," he says. "Then things will go back to normal."
"Yeah," Kacchan says, but in a way like he doesn't believe it. "I’m fucken tired. Night."
"Good night, Kacchan," Izuku says quietly. Kacchan squeezes his hand once before he turns to go to sleep.
In the morning they both head down to take a shower, stopping at Izuku's room so he could grab his uniform. They get dressed together and then start to head to campus, but Kacchan stops him at the door.
"This has pissed me off for three years," he says, before he undoes Izuku's tie and ties it properly. Izuku watches his hands as he does it; Kacchan has such nice hands and such nice, elegant fingers, nothing like Izuku's, mangled and scarred.
"Thank you, Kacchan," he says, but Kacchan just grunts, and they head to class. It's different, though, because Kacchan hangs back and walks right beside him, always keeping Izuku in sight. Even when they meet up with their other classmates he stays close, and no one else says anything, or even seems to notice at all.
When they walk into the classroom Kacchan tenses up beside him, and Izuku realizes why. With their seating arrangement, the same as it’s been since first year, Kacchan won't be able to see him.
"I'll be behind you the whole time," Izuku mutters. "I promise. The whole time."
"Yeah, it’s fine," Kacchan says with clenched teeth, stomping over to his desk. Izuku trails after him, concerned.
Class drags on; at some point Kacchan extends his foot behind him, and Izuku slouches in his seat and stretches his foot out, nudging it against Kacchan's. Hero training is easier; they pair up, and Kacchan's amplified fear doesn't make him go any easier on Izuku when they spar.
Kacchan had been hit by the quirk around five-o-clock; when school is over the two of them make their excuses and disappear back to Kacchan's room. There's only a couple of hours left until the quirk wears off, and Kacchan is starting to get snappy and impatient as time ticks down. They start off playing video games, but Kacchan gets so angry that he almost blows up the controller; after that Kacchan lays down on his bed and closes his eyes, and Izuku sits on the floor to work on today's homework; Kacchan keeps his fingers resting on the back of Izuku's neck the whole time.
Izuku works until Kacchan's phone starts going off, some kind of alarm. He turns it off and then sits up.
"Izuku," he says. "Go stand outside for a minute.”
Izuku does as he's told, and after a few moments the door opens again. "It’s worn off," Kacchan says gruffly, shoving Izuku's backpack and phone charger into his hands. "Thanks." Then, abruptly, he slams the door in Izuku's face.
He stands there in shock, but eventually it becomes clear that Kacchan isn't going to open the door again. Dejected, he heads back down to his room.
It's been four days since the fear quirk wore off, and Katsuki has been avoiding Deku since.
It’s actually not all that difficult. He partners up with Kirishima during hero training and avoids any of the extras that Izuku usually hangs around with, and whenever the nerd tries to get his attention he just heads off to his room. If he doesn't look at Deku, he won't have to see his big sad eyes as Katsuki continues to ignore him.
He doesn't blame Izuku for being confused. For 24 hours Katsuki had clung to him like a toddler with abandonment issues, and now he wouldn't even make eye contact. Katsuki knows he's being a coward, and not just because Kirishima keeps telling him how unmanly he's acting.
It's just— what the fuck else is he supposed to do? No matter what Deku said, how were things ever supposed to go back to the way they'd been? Now that lzuku had seen how weak he was... now that he knew how Katsuki felt about him…
Nah, fuck that. Izuku wouldn't be able to reject him if Katsuki didn't give him the opportunity.
Unfortunately, Katsuki had made the mistake of underestimating Deku, something he should definitely know better than to do. He shouldn't be surprised, then, when there's a very aggressive knocking coming from his balcony. He looks up from his desk and scowls at the form of Izuku, who is glaring at him from outside. Katsuki hadn’t been answering his door, so the idiot must have floated himself up to his balcony. Katsuki has half a mind to leave him out there, but he's not completely sure Deku wouldn't break his window.
He throws open his window, crossing his arms as Izuku enters his room. Katsuki's heart is doing something frantic and unauthorized in his chest at the sight of him. The biggest problem with avoiding Izuku is that he fucking missed him. It was, quite frankly, disgusting.
Deku stands in the middle of his room and glares at him. Katsuki sits back down at his desk and pretends like he's unbothered by the whole situation.
"How long are you planning to ignore me for?" Deku asks, annoyance in his voice. Sometimes it's difficult to look at Izuku and see the fierce hero who had taken down All for One, but not right now. Right now his eyes are burning as they bore into Katsuki's.
Katsuki shrugs, which just serves to make Izuku angrier. " Kacchan ," he snaps. "You can't tell me that your biggest fear is losing me and then freeze me out! What is your problem?"
His problem is that he's so fucking in love with the idiot in front of him that sometimes it feels like he can't breathe. He doesn't know if love is supposed to feel like this; like suffocating in the sludge villain's grasp. Like getting stabbed straight through. Like his heart exploding.
Katsuki says, "I didn't want to do it like this."
Izuku's eyebrows draw together. "What do you mean?"
Katsuki stands up; he doesn't like being at a different level as Deku.
"I didn't want to do it like this!" Katsuki says again, pulling at his hair in frustration. As usual when he's feeling scared or uncomfortable, he ignores the itch in his palms to blow up. He can’t see any way out of this situation that isn’t the truth, and Katsuki doesn’t lie, anyway, especially not to Izuku. "I was gonna— I was gonna tell you and I was gonna be cool and—and—” He casts around for a word and lands on, “suave—"
Izuku says, "Suave? "
"Don't make fun of me!" He snaps automatically.
"I'm not!" Izuku argues back, once slightly raised. He stops and takes a breath. "I never am," he says, calmer. Then he says, "Tell me what?”
Katsuki looks at him. "You know. You've gotta know."
Izuku takes a few slow, deliberate steps forward, right up close to Katsuki. Very close to Katsuki; he could count Izuku's eyelashes if he wanted. Izuku reaches out and grabs the front of Katsuki’s shirt with mangled fingers. Sometimes all Katsuki can think about is learning what they feel like in his mouth.
"Kacchan," he whispers. "Tell me."
Katsuki kisses him instead.
Izuku's mouth is soft. That's the first thought that goes through his brain. The second is a noise that sounds a little like the entire alphabet being pushed together. Izuku's grip on his shirt tightens and he yanks Katsuki forward— but he pulls too hard, and Katsuki stumbles off balance. One of Izuku's arms lock around his waist, iron tight as Izuku arches up on his toes, steadying Katsuki as he tries to get closer. Once, on a very dark night that Katsuki can't think about without turning red, he'd looked up just what the fuck exactly you were supposed to do when kissing. Every dubious piece of advice the internet gave him immediately leaves his head as soon as he feels Izuku’s lips against his. All he can focus on is the part of them that’s touching each other; his hand on Deku's neck, Izuku's arms around him. His mouth opens beneath Katsuki’s, and he takes the opportunity to shove his tongue in his mouth.
The two of them pull away. Katsuki’s heart is kind of feeling like it did right before it exploded. Izuku is looking at him a little starstruck.
“Sorry,” is all Katsuki can think to say. “I should’ve asked.”
Izuku says, with the hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips, “Do you want to try again?”
It takes Katsuki’s kiss drunk brain a moment to catch up to what Izuku is saying. He gives Izuku his best arrogant grin and tilts his chin up with his finger.
“Can I kiss you, Deku?”
Izuku rocks back up onto his toes. “Yes,” he says, smiling, and Katsuki takes the opportunity offered him to swoop back down and kiss him again.
Sometimes, they still wake up panicked, soaked in sweat, remembering lifeless eyes and blood and a ruined All Might card. Eventually, Izuku just heads up to Katsuki’s room for bed, and no one, not even Iida, says a word about it.
No one left the war the same person as they were before.
Katsuki prefers this for a lot of reasons, not least because he’d finally let it slip that the reason he was always able to respond to Izuku’s late night texts is because he made it so that any text from Deku made his ringer go off and wake him up. But it’s nice, when he wakes up from a nightmare where Izuku had left, or he’s being hurt and Katsuki can’t reach him— when he wakes up from those dreams, it’s nice being able to just pull Deku closer and bury his nose in the back of his neck. And when Izuku wakes up yelling, he’s able to just curl into Katsuki’s chest and listen to the steady beating of his heart. And sure, that fear is still inside him, and it’s suffocating sometimes— but it’s manageable, at least. Together.