Chapter Text
“Good afternoon, Bonnet Adventures, this is Stede Bonnet speaking. Yes, of Bonnet Adventures. No… actually, my grandfather founded it in- uh, no, that would be Nigel Badminton. Shall I transfer you? Yes, this is Operations. No, I don’t lead the tours but I’m sure I can answer any question you- Ah, no, unfortunately I haven’t been to the North Island. No, I… I haven’t been there either. Well, because I mostly do the planning, but- yes, they keep me busy here! I can, however, give you some excellent recommendations for activities in Queenstown, are you in need of those? Ah. Alright. Have a nice day.”
Stede set the phone back into its receiver and dug back into work. He had an enormous list of things that needed doing before a FAM tour kicked off in Rotorua, including the arrival times of some of the guests - journalists, bloggers and travel agents from London and New York, who were connecting in LA. There were also hotel rooms that needed confirming, outstanding details on dietary restrictions for the welcome dinner, and a final gear list that still had yet to be approved by the guides.
I may only be the administrator, he thought to himself. But I’m certainly not twiddling my thumbs.
“Twiddling your thumbs again, Bonnet?”
Stede started and swivelled around in his chair. Nigel, looking smart in a crisp suit, was leaning up against the half-wall of Stede’s cubicle, single handedly scrolling through his iPhone.
Stede forced a chuckle Always a good idea to keep things light with Nigel. “Not this time Nigel. Just tightening things up for tomorrow’s Fam trip.”
“Did I hear you on a call with a client, just now?”
“What’s that?”
“Offering travel recommendations?”
“Oh, erm-”
Nigel finally looked up from his phone.
“Because you know that only Bonnet Adventures Adventure Specialists with guiding experience are permitted to field inquiries from clients.”
“Yes, I know, I just-”
“Do you have guiding experience Bonnet? Did I miss a memo somewhere that says you’ve been beyond Queenstown?”
“No, Nigel.” Stede decided to stop trying to explain himself. Nigel was just there to needle him, and it was usually best to just wait that out.
“So then next time you receive a call from someone looking to speak with someone who knows their way around the country, you’ll transfer them to someone who actually knows what they’re talking about?”
“Absolutely, I will.”
“Wonderful.”
Nigel drifted away, still on his phone. Stede watched him go, then turned his chair slowly back to face his computer screen.
His inbox pinged.
“Oh, wow,” Stede breathed, taking a moment to check out the details. “Bit dear though, isn’t $115 for a flask?”
“But it’s not just a flask, is it?” Jeffrey said, popping his head up from nextdoor. Read the website. It’s a ‘compass, a flashlight, a flask and two shot glasses. It’s the whole package.’” He ducked back down into his cubicle.
“You’re not buying it?” Stede called.
“I am,” Jeffrey called back, almost defiant. “It’s cool, I want it, I’m getting it.”
“You’ll never use it,” Stede frowned. “When was the last time you left the city?”
Jeffrey didn’t answer.
Stede flicked his monitor off, stood up, and stretched. Nigel had taken the wind out of his sails.
“Cup of tea?” he asked Jeffrey.
“Breakroom or cafe?”
“Breakroom, I’m afraid.”
“No, thank you.”
###
Stede had the breakroom to himself. He took his time with his tea, stirring milk into the mug while browsing the list of new gadgets Jeffrey had sent through earlier.
He hadn’t wanted to admit it to Jeffrey, but he already owned the VSSL Adventure Flask Kit; he’d nabbed it last week, along with a Garmin GPS watch and a Stellarscope for mapping constellations. Outdoor gear was his guilty pleasure; he had far more gadgets than he’d like to admit. Jeffrey knew this, but he didn’t know just how often Stede actually splurged on the items they often ogled at over lunch. The only person who did know was Mary. In fact, Stede’s earlier doubts about the purchase had, in fact, been echoes of Mary’s own reaction when the flashlight-compass-flask came in the mail.
“I only thought… it might be neat…. If we went camping.”
“You know I hate the forest. I said so the other day, when you bought that sleeping bag thing.”
“It was a bivy sack, actually-”
“Stede!"
They really hadn’t been getting on lately. Mary believed Stede spent too much time at work, too much time online buying “toys,” as she called them, and too much time watching travel bloggers on YouTube.
She was right, he did do those things. Ordering the latest gadgets broke the monotony of arranging group tours dreamed up by Adventure Specialists every day, without ever getting to experience the outdoors, the challenges – the camaraderie of being with like minded adventurers – for himself. He supposed he was delusional, thinking he might ever actually use his pair of Hyperlex all-terrain snowshoes, or his Nighthawk M5 5G mobile router, but it was fun to imagine all the ways they might come in handy, should he ever find himself in the New Zealand bush.
He'd asked last year if he might switch from administration to field work, but his father wouldn't hear of it. Boys who went to boarding school, who went to business school, they didn't guide coach tours - they carry on the family business (whether or not they've earned it). Setting up tents and paddling kayaks and boiling coffee over a fire wasn't for him. So for now, day trips to the national park with the kids would have to do.
Just then, the door to the breakroom banged open and the air erupted with chatter and laughter. After tours wrapped up, the guides would usually swing by HQ, to drop off their paperwork, collect their cheques and catch up while raiding the breakroom.
“Hi all!” Stede sang as they crowded in. There were about six of them, clad in the standard garb of merino wool, convertible pants, fleece vests and ball caps with sporty sunglasses on the bills. “Ivan, Fang,” he waved at the two he recognized. "How's life out on the open road?"
The group didn’t seem to hear him; they were rummaging through the snack cupboards while trading notes on their last trip and bragging about where they were headed next. Stede listened, eyes wide, as they listed places he’d only ever seen in a Bonnet Adventures brochure. Antarctica, Botswana, Yukon, Australia, Nepal…
The guides were gone just as quickly as they’d arrived, the breakroom cupboards depleted and a rather alarming number of energy drinks now littering the countertop.
Stede dumped his now-cold tea into the sink and headed back to his desk, imagining himself as the one cooking for guests over a fire in the middle of the Australian outback. As he rounded the corner, he bumped into Hornberry and Wellington, the Adventure Specialists team running the FAM.
“Hi there gentlemen,” Stede said. He noticed they both had grim faces. “Everything alright?”
“We were just coming to find you,” Hornberry said, lowering his voice while Wellington glanced around. “I spoke with Ivan-”
“Ah yes, we said hello in the breakroom-”
“He’s pulling out of the FAM.”
Stede blinked. “What?”
Hornberry and Wellington stared back at him, letting the news sink in.
“But - but the tour is tomorrow,” Stede said unhelpfully.
“That’s right,” Wellington said in his patronizing drawl. “We’re fucked.”
“Why would he?”
“Apparently, he doesn’t like that Ed Teach is his expedition partner, and Izzy Hands is his coach driver,” Hornberry groaned. “According to him, Teach is a ‘dick’ and Hands is a ‘prick.’ He said the last time they worked together, the guests tipped terribly and left bad reviews.”
“Then why did we hire them?”
“Because it’s high season. Everyone is booked solid, and we were lucky to get someone as experienced as Teach for something like a FAM,” Wellginton snarked. “Bloggers don't tip well so most guides won't do them."
“The guests are already en route, we don’t have time to rehire, and Teach can’t do the trip on his own - he’s hopeless with logistics, and if Ivan is to be believed, usually hungover,” Hornberry added.
“Can one of you go?” Stede offered racking his brain for solutions. Hornberry and Wellington exchanged looks.
“Well you know, we’ve just been on so many FAMs so many times,” Wellington said with a slight air of indifference, “it’s become a bit of a bore for us.”
“We were actually thinking that you might like to do it,” Hornberry said, as though he were offering a sweet to a child.
“Me?” Stede’s heart quickened. Blood rushed in his ears.
“Nobody knows the tour better than you,” Wellington said. “You’ve done all the bookings, and with your last name, the guests will feel as though they’re getting the VIP treatment.”
Stede scoffed. “Well I don’t know about that. Besides I… I don’t have any experience.”
“Well you won’t be alone,” Hornberry reasoned. “You’ll have Teach, for what that's worth, and it’s the same thing, really, as what you do now - only you’re there, instead of behind a desk. Stede,” he added, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I think you’ll do… fine.”
“I agree,” Wellington chimed in, nodding approvingly. “Look at him, he clearly has the eyes of an adventurer.”
###
“You what?” Jeffrey leapt to his feet to face Stede. Stede shrugged, palms facing the ceiling. “They asked you to do it - just like that?”
“Just like that,” Stede nodded. “But I don't know... I’ve no experience, plus there’s Mary and the kids-”
“Stede.” Jeffrey took a sober tone. “You have to do this. For the rest of us stuck in here. You’re right - I’ll never get to use that damn flask. The most I ever get out is to take my dog to the park now and again.”
Jeffrey’s face fell further. “Most of the time he has diarrhea.”
###
“You what?” Mary’s reaction to Stede’s news was somewhat less enthusiastic than Jeffrey’s. “You want to go hiking across the country… for 13 days?”
“Well, yes,” Stede reasoned. "But as a guide." He’d gotten quite excited over the last few hours at work, talking over details with Hornberry and Wellington, and promised he'd confirm once he'd talked it over with his wife. Now, he could feel all that slipping away.
“So spending all your time buying toys online isn’t enough anymore," Mary said slowly, simmering mad. "Now you need to physically get away from us?”
“No, that’s not-” Stede stopped himself. “It was a work emergency, they don’t have anyone else.”
“Don't." Mary crossed her arms, glaring. "We're supposed to be working on us, Stede. Instead, you’re literally flying to the other side of the country - to do something you're completely unqualified for, by the way.”
Then she dropped them to her sides, defeated. “Stede. I know you’re unhappy. I’m unhappy too. But we’ve only got this one life. We’ve got to try, right?”
Stede felt the prickly heat of conflict anxiety spread across his body. “I'm not… unhappy. But I'm sorry. I’ll get it stopped.”
Mary didn't react. “I’m going to get dinner going. Why don't you play with the kids. But- don’t show them any Bear Gryllis videos - they’ll have nightmares again.”
###
It was 11PM, and everyone was in bed but Stede, who had, after tucking in the children and catching up on The Crown with Mary, slipped into the basement with his tablet. Now, he was doing what he usually did every night- drinking a brandy, reading Outside Magazine and listening to a podcast about the Inca trail.
Mary was right - he was unqualified. He didn’t know the first thing about guiding a tour. Or travel. Or New Zealand. No amount of daydreaming was going to change that.
Stede drained the last of his brandy. May as well go to bed, so he could start another day of being Stede Bonnet, the only businessman in tourism who had never actually travelled. He clicked his browser tabs closed, one by one. As he moved to close Top Rated Camping Tech You Can’t Live Without, an advertisement for Bonnet Adventures popped up.
