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“Johnny, this is getting ridiculous now!” Simon huffed as Johnny squirmed away from the scissors for the hundredth time. “I’m not going to accidentally cut your ear off; you don’t need to keep flinching away.” Well I will if you keep flinching he thought to himself, not voicing his thoughts to Johnny though. Getting him to sit still was hard enough.
“Sorry, just…nervous.” He shrugged and Simon sighed, shifting one of his hands to cup Johnny’s jaw.
“About the haircut, or something else?” Simon softened his voice, watching as Johnny’s eyes failed to meet his. “Johnny?” The Scot sighed, it was long and drawn-out. It sounded sad. Simon did not like the feeling that rippled in his chest.
“Something else Lt.” He leaned into the touch of Simon’s warm hand; he could feel his heart hammering in his chest. He was better than Simon with his feelings, but he still didn’t like sharing them, he always seemed to get hurt with his heart on his sleeve. But never with Simon, Simon really loved him.
“What’s wrong Johnny?” Simon’s voice was so soft Johnny could’ve just broken on the spot.
“My ma called base again. She still thinks I’m dead…Price told me to talk to her, told her to ring back later.” Johnny pushed the floppy Mohawk out of his face, trying not to cry.
“You should talk to her. She deserves to know you are alive Johnny.” Simon tried to reason; she did deserve that much. It had been nearly three years since Johnny “died” and his mother had called the base relentlessly for the first months, it almost broke everyone left in the 141. For a long couple of months Johnny was M.I.A, everyone was convinced he was actually dead.
Until he turned up at base bloody and slightly delusional, collapsing into Ghost’s arms.
But his mother still thinks her boy is out there, it’s tearing her apart.
“It’s tearing me apart Simon.” The Scot’s eyes were full of tears and Simon just wanted to make all of Johnny’s pain go away, but he couldn’t, so he just held Johnny between his hands, stroking his thumb across the scruff of Johnny’s jaw. “But I can’t do it to her again, I can’t. She’s better off without me Si.” Simon frowned, the worst thing is he understood why Johnny didn’t want to tell her, because it is destroying her, Johnny just wants her pain to end.
Even with Johnny dead and buried, she still can’t move on. Johnny doesn’t think he can do it to her again, it took months before he let the 141 back in, he could see how much he had hurt them.
“I can’t have her terrified every time the phone rings that it’s going to be me, dead, again. I can’t put her through that.” Johnny’s voice wobbled and Simon felt water run over his hands. He met Johnny’s eyes once more.
Oh.
Oh,
Johnny’s crying.
“I miss her so much Si, but I can’t…I won’t.” Simon abandoned the hair scissors, dropping them to the sides. His heavy arms coming up to wrap tightly around Johnny.
The Scot gripped onto him like he was the only thing he had left. Simon could feel his heart breaking, listening to Johnny’s hushed sobs.
“I just want my ma, I just want her to hug me again, tell me she loves me.” Simon understood every word, sometimes he wanted to go back in time just to see his mother again, before everything got bad. Just to hug her one last time, tell her that he was going to be okay, and she didn’t need to worry. That everything was going to be okay, even though Simon knew that would be a lie. He held onto Johnny that little bit tighter.
“Johnny…” He whispered into the drying mohawk. Johnny had buried himself in Simon’s chest, dampening his shirt with his tears.
“Si.” Johnny’s voice was so small that Simon just wanted to keep him here forever, safe from everything else, just the two of them.
“Ring her, tell her to come to base, tell her you’re alive.” Johnny kept his head buried in Simon’s chest, he wanted Simon to tell him it was a bad idea, not for him to tell him to ring her.
“But what if I die next week, I’ll be putting her through all of this again.” Johnny pleaded desperately, he constantly has a target on his back, he could die tomorrow. It wouldn’t be fair.
“You can’t live on what if’s Johnny, that’s just life.” Simon reassured, squeezing Johnny’s shoulders.
“I love her too much to hurt her again.” Johnny’s muffled voice came, his body trembling slightly. Dying had ruined Johnny, it tore down every single defence Johnny built around himself. It made him feel like a kid, when he realised he wasn’t dead he felt terrified. He was left by everyone, bloodied and broken, and alone. Johnny would’ve rather died. Three years later and he’s still dealing with the fall out.
“Johnny when you lose people you love, you’ll give anything to get them back. When I thought you were dead, I prayed, I pleaded, I fought. I did anything I could. Your mother deserves to know you’re alive Johnny. She just wants her baby boy back.” Johnny caved completely at that point, breaking into a sobbing mess.
Simon knew he wanted his mother more than anything, they’d talked about it a couple of mornings ago after a particularly bad nightmare, as Johnny cried into Simon’s arms, wishing he had never died.
Everything would’ve been a whole lot easier if Johnny wasn’t officially dead for a whole 4 months.
“I’ll talk to her.” Johnny eventually mumbled; Simon smiled. He wanted to meet Mrs MacTavish properly, all he had seen of her was in Price’s office, demanding answers from the captain. She looked sad, it was a picture-perfect copy of Johnny when he got distraught, it made Simon’s heart break.
“You can’t talk to her with your hair in the state that it is though.” Simon pushed Johnny’s head off his chest, strong hands holding Johnny’s face, his thumbs absentmindedly swiping away the Scots tears as they fell. Johnny managed a slight chuckle, his hair had gotten pretty unruly recently, he couldn’t lie.
“Fine, you can finish cutting my hair.” Johnny sat up a little straighter and a little stiller this time, allowing Simon to make quick work of Johnny’s mohawk.
Simon left little, long bits at the front because he liked how Johnny looked when the loose bits fell in his face. He looked better than this world sometimes.
“How’d I look?” Johnny asked as he watched Simon putting the scissors down, he scrubbed at his face to try and hide the fact that he’d just been sobbing, despite the fact he’d just been sobbing into Simon’s shoulder. He’s a military man through and through.
“Better. Talk to Price, talk to your mother. Please Johnny.” The Scot nodded, he knew he was going to feel this nervous, but he didn’t think his legs would turn to jelly when he put his weight on them. “Easy.” Simon said, placing a solid hand between his shoulder blades to support him.
“Sorry, I just can’t believe I’m about to talk to my mother.” Simon’s hand shifted slightly, so he could reassuringly squeeze Johnny’s shoulder.
“Go now, I’ll follow behind, I just need to grab my mask.” Johnny nodded. Okay, I can do this. It’s just my mother.
Johnny left Simon’s room and he started to walk towards Price’s office, ignoring his brain which just told him to run in the other direction.
He held his breath as he got closer to Price’s office. The faint yelling of a Scottish woman grabbing his attention. He could feel his heart rate skyrocketing.
“I do not care anymore! I want you to find my son Price!” He heard his mother painfully shout, he could imagine her right now, finger pointed in Price’s face, her hair tied up scruffily. Johnny felt pained. He’d done this.
He put his hand on the doorknob. Now or never.
“He was M.I.A, I’m not stupid, that means you gave up on him. You killed my son! You bastard!” As Johnny went to twist the door handle, it was ripped from his reach.
His mother turned to him angrily, fully prepared to barge whoever it was out of her way. As her brain caught up, she froze, her skin draining of any colour. Johnny felt his heart sink to the very bottom of his chest.
He watched as the tears flooded her eyes, she still hadn’t moved, or spoken, or breathed. Johnny hadn’t either.
Price had risen up from his office chair, watching the scene unfolding in front of him. He thought Johnny might pass out from the pale look on his face, he could only imagine his mother shared the same expression.
Ghost stood a few feet behind Johnny, stopping when he saw the standoff between them. He wasn’t one for hugging, but the look on Johnny’s mother’s face made him want to hug her.
“My baby boy.” She finally spoke, her voice broken. Johnny remained frozen, feeling the tears stinging his eyes. “My incredibly stupid baby boy.” She finally stepped forward, pulling Johnny towards her and wrapping her arms tightly around him.
As soon as he was in his mother’s arms, the trance broke, Johnny clung on to his mother. He’d missed the warmth of his mother, such a good woman in such a shit world.
“Ma.” He choked out, squeezing her just as tightly as she was squeezing him. “I’m so sorry~” She shushed him instantly, peppering kisses onto his head.
“Nothing matters now, you’re alive, that’s all that matters.” Ah he was so glad he agreed to do this, even if it didn’t go as planned, he had his mother again.
It felt like it had been hours before his mother let go of him, as she did, she visually checked for any injuries, or signs that he hadn’t been eating, or sleeping.
“Ma, I’m fine I promise you, I’m just sorry~” She shook her head at him, a disapproving tut leaving her mouth.
“Johnny, baby, please don’t be sorry. You’re alive. You’re here, in my arms. I couldn’t ask for anything else.” Johnny felt like he could just shatter. He’d missed this. He’d missed her. “Who’s your friend over there?” She asked, pointing to Ghost who was awkwardly shuffling from side to side.
“Si, come over here.” The tall man stepped forward, taking Johnny’s open hand. His mother watched the movement, her eyes upturning into a smile, despite the tears still present in them. “Ma, this is Simon, he’s my boyfriend.” She let the smile take over her entire face, she really had to pinch herself, her baby was alive and happy. God, it was like all her Christmases had come at once.
“Nice to meet yer, look after this one for me.” Ghost gave a solid nod, squeezing Johnny’s hand.
“I will ma’am.” She offered him a nod of approval, to which Johnny knew Ghost would be smiling at.
“Johnny baby, I need to cook for you, I need to cook for your captain to say sorry, I need to cook for my future son in law.” Johnny flushed red, slapping his free hand over his face. He’s been back from the dead for 5 minutes and she’s already embarrassing him. Most of Johnny hates it, but one part of him feels warm, because he’s finally home.
“Ma,” She looked up at him again, stopping her mental list of everyone she needed to cook for, “I love you.” She gave him a knowing nod.
“I never gave up on you, you know, and I never will. I love you and I didn’t stop because you’re my baby boy.” She squeezed his shoulder, smiling at him, big, bright, and happy. "I won't ever stop for you."
“Thank you.” Johnny whispered, all other words failing him.
His mother just smiled, before continuing to rattle off all the names of people she needed to cook for. Johnny couldn’t help but laugh, he wasn’t surprised though that his mother had gotten into so much trouble. That was just how his mother worked.
Things weren’t suddenly mended; wounds weren’t suddenly healed. But everything felt so normal, for the first time in years.
Johnny felt like he was finally home.