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Kaeya was finishing up his paperwork. Midnight had already passed, the clock now showing 3am. There weren’t many people with access to the headquarters at this time but Kaeya was an exception. It was only natural for the captains to have access to the place around the clock. After all they were part of the highest ranking knights and thus trustful. If Kaeya wasn’t around the sentence would be 100% true.
But the cavalry captain was still around, and that was partly the fault of himself and partly of the Ragnvindr heir. The heir as a young child was always so trustful and naive, and Diluc hadn’t just snapped out of it completely the day of coming of age. One might claim otherwise but the air going in and out of Kaeya’s lungs by Kaeya’s will was the biggest proof of it being true.
Yes, Kaeya would have absolutely died with no doubt had not his vision arrived. Maybe that was an awakening call to Diluc about what he was about to do. Kaeya didn’t know, afterall he couldn’t hold a conversation with his ex-brother. Somehow it always went the wrong way. It felt like it was impossible to find the words to express what he wanted to say. Sometimes he didn’t even get the chance to try to fix things.
The only place Kaeya could even dream to do it was Angel’s share, but Diluc was in power there. And in no way did Diluc even want to talk to Kaeya. It was obvious that he would rather do anything else. (Rightfully). Every conversation ended up changing to an argument and Diluc would threaten to throw Kaeya out. After that Kaeya would usually shut up and finish his drink or just leave. It was even hard in the first place to go to the tavern.
The first days after Diluc returning was like a dream to Kaeya. After Diluc didn’t immediately reveal Kaeya’s secrets or try to kill Kaeya, he took it as a good sign. He could fix things. For some days he could justify to himself why Diluc didn’t contact Kaeya or visit him. Diluc after all must be too busy to do so? Of course Kaeya wasn’t his first priority and he would visit when he had the chance. Right? Wrong…
One day, not too long after Diluc returned, they finally met on the street. Kaeya was excited, almost ready to jump into Diluc's arms. The memory was still raw and hurtful. A reminder about how stupid and useless Kaeya was. A reminder of how Diluc wouldn’t ever want to even look at his traitor face.
“Don’t you even dare to try to touch me! Keep your dirty hands to yourself. Who are you calling your brother? We are nothing.”
All Kaeya wanted was to get his big brother back… It was hopeless to even think that to be possible.
It had been months since that and nothing had gotten better. Diluc had yet to try and finish what he started, but Kaeya was mostly sure that Diluc didn’t see Kaeya as worth getting his hands even dirtier. That was the only explanation, because it was so painfully obvious how much the man despised Kaeya. It was useless to wait Diluc to do it.
Kaeya had been tired for so long. He didn’t remember a time without invisible force making him feel like he could collapse under it every minute. Nevertheless it hadn’t been this bad since the first months after the Ragnvindr clan taking him in. Waiting for Diluc's return and the possibility of reconciliation kept him alive for those years.
Almost every day it was so hard to do even the most basic tasks was close to making it too much for Kaeya to handle. Those two things were the only things keeping him going. They didn’t matter anymore. Diluc had returned and made it clear as crystal that reconciliation wasn’t a possibility. There wasn’t anything to make him keep going anymore.
The paperwork was finally finished when the sun was already high on the sky and shining to Kaeya’s office. Oh well, how much could a one more all nighter hurt him. He already slept under 3 hours a night, it made really no difference. Kaeya was already in so much sleep debt that it wouldn’t even make him feel any difference from the day before. Completely exhausted is completely exhausted.
The whole city and nation had already seen how enormous his eye bags were, how he looked like he was about to fall asleep any second. If they looked at Kaeya with worried expressions Kaeya hadn’t noticed. Everyone had seen how much worse he looked every day. Still no one said anything out loud. Maybe they convinced themselves that they were just imagining or they actually didn’t care. Kaeya was almost sure for the latter to be the truth but he still hoped it wouldn’t be. Well, soon it wouldn’t matter at all. Soon anything wouldn’t matter to him, because he wouldn’t be there to care.
With Kaeya’s physical exhaustion it was a miracle for anyone still be able to work. Nevertheless it wasn’t his biggest problem. No way. Kaeya had for years been so tired mentally, always lying to survive. Every day has been surviving. While his childhood with Ragnvindrs had been a happy one, that invisible force made it hard to breathe every moment. The feeling of duty, of guilt eating him alive before he had even done anything. That feeling had followed him to adulthood, worsening by day. It was unbearable.
It was Kaeya’s day off. He standed up and immediately sat back down. His vision was covered in dark spots and his ears rang. This was the reminder of working through the night without even thinking about eating. But Kaeya didn’t want to waste time so as soon as possible he got up again and continued his journey home.
Kaeya’s little apartment was next to the city’s wall. Close enough to his job but still far enough to be considered isolated enough to feel safe in Kaeya’s standards. His neighbors didn’t bother him and that was the best type of neighbor in Kaeya’s opinion. When he was home he didn’t want to humor some random neighbor for no reason.
The apartment was a mess. It was small with only two rooms, and the other one being the bathroom. There was so much trash on the ground that the floor was not visible outside the doors’ moving ranges. They weren’t even able to open all the way. From food wrappings to empty bottles. There were some old bloodied bandages on the corner from not being able to dodge. The pile was growing faster every month.
But Kaeya didn’t have the energy to care. As long as he could somehow move around it was good enough. He moved to eat a little after the crumples on his stomach were too great to ignore. What he chose to eat was a (possibly old and not eatable) sandwich that he found from the fridge full of old and moldy food. There was only a little food that was even close to being safe enough to eat. Kaeya should have cleaned that safety hazard a long time ago but you guessed it. He didn’t have the energy.
But it didn’t matter anymore. Someone would have to clean it up and Kaeya felt a little (very) guilty about it. A corpse wouldn’t have to worry about cleaning anything ever again. The exhaustion made him almost fall asleep on the spot. It wasn’t really his choice to be awake almost around the clock. Of course it wasn’t, no person would willingly do this.
Days and nights after days and nights Kaeya took sometimes hours to finally fall asleep. Those hours were just pure torture with memories and thoughts racing across his mind. It wasn’t easy to even try to sleep. Falling asleep felt like a miracle every time. And after that miracle happened he kept waking up. Nightmares after nightmares. Kaeya could never forget the ruins of Khaenri’ah, the nightmares had done their job on that part. The red sky, the bloodied ground. The screams. All of it.
So Kaeya just had stopped trying. He slept when his body forced him into it. At first it meant days without sleep but at this point he usually managed to get over an hour of sleep a night. His body was so heavy, almost impossible to even move anymore. Only reason as to how he managed to get into his bed before passing out was that the bed was only a few meters away from the kitchen. The bed was also full of used clothes, dirt and trash but sleep got the better of him before he could even think about how uncomfortable it was.
An hour later Kaeya woke up. The sleep had been just darkness, the perfect kind of sleep. No dreams and especially no nightmares. Dreams were rare but still hellish. Nobody wants to wake up and spend the rest of their lives trying to figure in their head if something was real or a dream. One might even argue that those were just different types of nightmares. Kaeya had had too many of those. It was wonderful to spend his last day on Teyvat without nightmares or dreams.
It was time to get moving. It was just before 3 o’clock so he had some hours before night and the fake star sky would take over. It would be perfect. But Kaeya still had things to do. While there were no people left who cared for Kaeya there still were people who he cared for. Kaeya had had the chance to meet Jean the day before. She of course didn’t know about his plan, but it was comforting for Kaeya to know her last memories of Kaeya would be happy ones. Or as happy as she could have with Kaeya. Kaeya of course knew that he didn’t mean all that much to Jean.
The woman was set up for success. After Diluc resigned Jean was practically set for life as long as she kept working hard. And that she did. Jean was the most effective knight of the whole nation, always doing her everything to keep the city safe. Without Jean Eroch would still be in power. Kaeya had helped her in multiple ways but he had no business in taking any credit from the real hero. It would be ironic for a traitor to take credit in getting rid of another traitor. Maybe Jean wouldn’t have realized the reality around Eroch as fast as she did without Kaeya pushing her in the right direction. That couldn’t be expected from her as it took a traitor to recognize another traitor.
Jean was a person whom Kaeya had respected as long as he had known her. Hard-working, loyal and a good person. All that Kaeya had always wanted to be. A secret that Kaeya would soon take to his grave was that he had always been a little jealous of the woman. It felt unfair how Jean could naturally be such a good person and so likable. Kaeya was born a sinner so it made sense why Jean could be what he couldn’t ever be.
Yesterday they had lunch together and Kaeya had a fun time. It was relaxing and relieving to leave goodbyes this way. He had a letter still waiting to be written for the woman. Kaeya admired her so much but had never said it out loud to her. Jean without a doubt only saw him as a lazy burden but Kaeya was a selfish person and would be until he would finally make the world a better place soon. He had given himself the chance to be selfish and waste Jean’s time just that one last time. Kaeya had seen it as worth it.
The other person whom Kaeya had decided to leave one last letter was Diluc. The man wouldn’t probably even read it but Kaeya had given himself the chance to be selfish also this way. After all these were his last days. He was allowed to be selfish this one more time. It would be hypocritical of him to start pretending now that he was a good person. And as he just stated, Kaeya would soon do the biggest good thing he could ever possibly do.
Kaeya had to start doing his last things before the time would be up. There was a calendar on the ground with a date circled. The date was today. There was proof of the date being selected a long time ago. The red marker had obviously been there a long time. Because of the poor quality of the marker, the mark had started to crack a little. It was a circle that Kaeya had drawn the day of his and Diluc's first encounter since the return of the man. The day that had him kept going until reaching it. A promise of peace if nothing would change.
His letter to Jean was a simple one.
Dear Jean,
As you can see this is the last message I’ve left for you. I know that you’ve seen me as a burden for years and I’m sorry to have bothered you for so long. It was selfish of me, but I’m too selfish to not have done that. I’ve always admired you so much. I wish I could’ve been a better captain for you and could support you in your journey to the future Grandmaster. But I truly had to do this. I wish you never have to find out the true reasonings behind my actions. Knowing them will bring not anything other than more suffering to this world. Just remember that it’s better this way for everyone. I’m truly happy for you and I wish you the best life possible. You will go far in life.
Kaeya Ragnvindr-Alberich
On the letter could be seen teardrops, but Kaeya wished to ignore them. It was easy enough to write as there was no want from Kaeya to explain it all. Deep down Kaeya knew it was a want to keep Jean in the belief that Kaeya was not a completely horrible person. It was arguably better to let her know but he decided to ignore that fact.
The letter for his brother was a lot harder to write. Kaeya would still see him the last time before it was time to go. After all Diluc was his big brother in Kaeya’s eyes. No matter how much he had tried to change that he just couldn’t. Diluc was the person Kaeya loved the most. Without a doubt. Not even their fight that permanently scarred Kaeya both mentally and physically. Not even the cold shoulder, arguments and angry mean comments full of deep hatred.
It was simply the truth. Kaeya loved Diluc the most in the universe, while Diluc hated Kaeya as deeply as ice ran in Snezhnaya. And nothing could ever change those two truths. Nothing.
It was easily the hardest thing Kaeya had ever done. While he was sure Jean didn’t care for him at all the woman at least didn’t show it every way possibly at every chance. With her Kaeya could play a game of pretend and imagine it to be otherwise. But Diluc had never let Kaeya have any space or possibility to even pretend.
Dear Diluc,
I know that you possibly don’t even read this letter. Even if you do, I'm sure you won’t find it to be to your liking. The truth is that I have seen you this whole time as my big brother who I would die for. I’ve loved you so much for so long that I couldn’t even imagine a life without it. You’re the best brother anyone could ask for. I’m sorry I couldn't be the brother you deserve. There’s so much I want to say to you but I can’t find the words for it. After all, what could I possibly say to you?
I want you to know that our childhood was never pretend. I truly loved you both and I would have chosen Mondstadt over Khaenri’ah any day. I know you can’t trust my words. I’m a spy, born a sinner and always will be. It runs in blood.
I hope you will find peace now after my death. I will not be there to be any kind of threat towards Mondstadt or Teyvat ever again. I will not be there anymore to ruin your days, annoying you. I don’t even need to explain to you why I decided this to be the best course of action. This is the best action for the loved ones of mine. The only way to ensure that I will not be the reason for anymore suffering I’ve already caused to many.
You have always burned so bright and will for much longer. I will always love you. I will and always have wish you the best in your life. May you Diluc Ragnvindr live a long happy life that you have always and will always deserve.
Yours truly,
Kaeya Ragnvindr-Alberich
(If Kaeya had to write this letter twice again because of the tears making it illegible, let it be the last final secret of his.)
Of course it was wrong of Kaeya to still associate himself with the noble Ragnvindrs. But Kaeya couldn’t deny that to be the thing he always wanted the most. To be truly a son and a brother to Crepus and Diluc. His most beloved family.
Time was almost up. Stars had started to take over the sky. It was Kaeya’s sign to get going or he couldn’t do the last final thing he wanted to do before his death. As he placed the letters on the kitchen’s counters he took the last one look around his apartment. While messy, it had served him well. Oh well, as sad it was, it was Kaeya’s time to go.
His first stop was Angel’s share. He could see his brother and drinking buddies for the last time. While he couldn’t ever quite forgive Venti for his part in the destruction of Kaeya’s home, had Venti still been a good drinking buddy. The poet was a person who could make anyone's day better. Rosaria was his other drinking buddy. Kaeya and Rosaria were never actually close, but she was still a person who Kaeya would like to see one last time.
The tavern was almost full as usual. Kaeya sat on the chair in front of the counter. It seemed like Rosaria wasn’t there today. Sad thing, but not even close to enough to make Kaeya change his plans. Diluc looked at Kaeya as coldly as usual. Without even saying a word his brother started making Kaeya’s favorite drink. Hmm, it seemed like their final meeting would go in silence. Much better than an argument.
It didn’t take a long time before Venti appeared next to Kaeya. The bard’s facial expression revealed his knowledge of Kaeya's plan. A moment after silence Venti finally opened his mouth
“I know I can’t make you change your mind. I won’t even try. But please, just reconsider again this one last time.” The words were silent enough for only the two of them to hear them. It was like the wind itself carried them to Kaeya’s ears.
Just as silently Kaeya smiled his signature smile and whispered the response.
“You know I can’t do that”
The archon nodded with a sad expression. If Barbatos was a god of anything but freedom maybe he would make Kaeya change his plans. But alas, it wouldn’t be very god of freedom of him to make someone live against their will. After all, living was a choice that Venti couldn’t make anyone do. He whispered his last words to one of his children.
“I understand. Remember Kaeya Ragnvindr-Alberich, you are one of the children of Mondstadt. I hope you will have a final peace, my child.”
With those words and a tear in Venti’s eye, Kaeya saw the person closest to being his archon the last time.
The rest of his time in the tavern, Kaeya just watched in silence his brother. Taking in one last time his brother's bright red hair and the matching eyes. The bartender’s suit had always fit Diluc. It made the fact that Diluc was born to be the master of the wine industry crystal clear. Maybe Diluc noticed Kaeya’s unusual act, because he looked more than usually at the man.
Kaeya took the one last final sip of his favorite drink and got up. As Diluc stared at him thoughtfully Kaeya smiled one last time at his brother. With his last words he left the tavern leaving his brother in confusion.
“May we meet again in another life. I hope that we can finally live in peace in that life, my brother”
With those words as his last ones, was Kaeya ready to leave this world behind.
The walk to the Starsnatch cliff was shorter than ever before. The sky was full of fake stars. As fake as they might be, they still were beautiful and reminded Kaeya of his past home. His feet at the very edge of the cliff Kaeya looked at the beauty of Mondstadt. Khaenri’ah never had this kind of beauty. Being underground it had no chance to even develop life without the art of Khemia. It might have been the reason for Khaenri’ah’s final fall, but it was what made the country bloom in the first place. It was beautiful in its own way, but never could beat the beauty of real nature in Kaeya’s eyes.
Mondstadt's forests were so beautiful, the shade of green being so lively. The blow of wind made it known to Kaeya that Barbatos was still watching over him. The god had done so since the day he was abandoned and would do it to his last breath. Kaeya’s best parts of his life were spent here. It was only right for him to die here. Kaeya might be Khaenri’ahn by blood, but Mondstadt had always been more of a home for him than the destroyed nation.
Taking one last look at his home country Kaeya took one step over the edge. Now falling into nothing with only wind keeping him company Kaeya looked at the beautiful starsky one last time. He quickly found both his and Diluc’s constellations in the sky. Kaeya formed his last smile before closing his starry eyes the last time waiting for the killing impact.
It was only right for Kaeya to die under starsky in Mondstadt as a child of both. With those as his final visions of the world Kaeya moved from time to eternity.