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His ears were ringing.
Where was he?
What was going on?
He felt so disoriented.
It was dark.
Not being able to think of much else, he felt around to figure out his surroundings.
As his eyes slowly began to adjust, a dim glow filled the room, revealing a strange reflection directly across from him.
A strange reflection, huh.
He shouldn’t look.
He’s had dreams like this before.
He shouldn’t look
But he can’t look away.
It was her.
That thing he should’ve been.
That thing he was pretending he wasn’t.
Long hair, pretty dress, dainty posture.
His skin writhed on him.
Full chest, curved hips, soft features.
He needed to tear it off.
It hurts to look at.
What is he thinking?
No. He is faking it.
He’s a fraud.
One day everyone will realise he’s lying for attention, and they’ll all leave him. Toya will leave him.
He’s lying to himself.
That thing is him.
He’s just pretending. He’s lying. He just wants attention.
“Quit lying, [ ].”
No. Get out of my head.
“You’re only doing this because you saw it online. Stop bothering me and go to your room, [ ].”
NO.
“You can’t cut your beautiful long hair, [ ]. You’re our pretty little girl, and besides, everyone complements you for it.”
STOP.
“You WILL wear this dress to my party, [ ]. No talking back. You’re a girl, stop faking this illness.”
Get out of my head. Get out.
“Stupid [Akik-]. She thinks she can just pretend to be a boy. Like, seriously, if you were born with girl parts, you can’t just pretend you don’t have them.”
I’m not pretending. Stop.
Please.
His skin. His breasts. His body. He needed to get rid of it. All of it. This squirming sensation. He needed to make it stop. Make it all stop.
“Everyone know what you are, Akiko. You can’t keep pretending for much longer.”
He knows.
“You’re a fraud. A liar.”
He knows.
“You don’t deserve to live after all of these lies you’ve been telling”
He knows. He knows.
“Just die already”
He needed to do something. Anything, ANYTHING to get those voices to shut up.
He could feel his chest and that thing between his legs. He could feel it, and it was wrong. He needed it to go away. It felt wrong. Everything was wrong.
“JUST DIE ALREADY”
The thing that was his reflection reached out and grabbed him while he curled into himself. He was suffocating.
“Akiko”
NO. PLEASE.
“Aki”
GO AWAY.
“Akito”
LET ME GO.
“AKITO”
JUST LET ME DIE. I JUST WANT TO DIE.
“AKITO, WAKE UP!”
His eyes shot open as he let out a screech. He tried to struggle away from whatever had grabbed his wrists.
“Akito. Akito, stop. You’re hurting yourself. Calm down. It’s just me”
His eyes began to adjust to the darkness, but his breathing refused to slow. He could feel his chest twisting in all the wrong ways, wringing him out from the inside.
The form of his boyfriend came into focus.
“T-Toya?”
“Yeah, it’s me, what’s going on?”
Akito struggled to speak. “Toya, I-I can’t breathe.”
His lungs were being squeezed out. He couldn’t think. He needed Toya to leave.
Toya let go of his wrists. “Akito, tell me what you need.”
“I- Please go. Just leave the-”
Whatever else he planned to say never left his mouth, his lungs refusing to work any harder.
As he struggled to get his justification to leave his throat, he watched as Toya’s face changed to one of hurt. He didn’t ask any questions, just left. It made his heart twist, watching Toya run out with a face like a kicked puppy, but he couldn’t let him see what he was. He couldn’t show Toya the monster he was tricked into dating.
He had to keep hiding.
Keep lying.
The moment the door shut, he tore his shirt and binder off, finally allowing his lungs space to function. God, he was so stupid, calling Toya over for a sleepover. He KNEW he wasn’t supposed to sleep with his binder on. What was he thinking?! If only Toya hadn’t asked so sweetly with that gorgeous face he just can’t say no to.
He collapsed back on to the bed, gasping for newfound air and letting the tension in his chest and torso release as much as he could. As his lungs slowly filled back up, he found the strength to put on his shirt again.
“Toya, you can come back in now”, he said quietly.
The door opened slowly.
“You don’t have to stand in the doorway, Toya. Come here.”
As Toya dropped down next to him, Akito collapsed back onto the bed, feeling his eyes gloss over for the first time in a while.
“Akito, are you… crying?”
Akito rushed to wipe the tears away, but Toya stopped him.
“Don’t. It’s ok to cry sometimes, especially when you rarely cry at all.” Toya paused to think. “D’you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know. Can we just stay like this for a little?”
“Of course, love.”
A few minutes of silence passed. Akito’s heart was still racing, but his thoughts had started to clear up.
“I’m sorry” Akito whispered
“Why are you apologising? You didn’t do anything.”
“I-I woke you up. For something so pointless.”
“What’s so ‘pointless’ about it?”
“It’s- It’s just a nightmare. I get them all the time. I could’ve just gotten over it.”
“Akito. You were thrashing around while you were asleep and couldn’t breathe when you woke up. You can’t just ‘get over’ something that serious. It certainly isn’t pointless.”
Akito paused, debating whether or not to open his cursed mouth.
“If I tell you something really really bad, would you hate me for it?”
“Akito. Nothing you do or say could make me hate you.”
“This could.”
“You literally punched me in the face, and I wasn’t even remotely annoyed at you. It can’t get much worse than that.”
I suppose that’s true.
“I’m-”
He took a deep breath.
“I’m not a boy.”
Toya gasped a little, but he needed to keep going. He’d already fired the first shot.
Akito exhaled quickly and started talking again. “At least, I wasn’t born one. That means I’m not really a boy, right?”
“Oh.”
Akito’s heart froze.
Shit. Shit. Shit. He’s gonna say he hates me now.
“Well, what do you think? Forget what’s on the outside. What do you feel like on the inside?”
Oh.
“Well, I-I guess I feel like a boy.”
“Okay, so that’s what you are.”
Akito pulled away ever-so-slightly.
“You… you don’t… you don’t hate me?”
“What’s there for me to hate?”
“I lied to you. I didn’t tell you everything.”
“Akito, love, you didn’t lie to me. And even if you did, I wouldn’t care. This is something that takes a lot to tell people. Especially people you’re scared you could lose. It’s not a lie if you just aren’t in a place to tell someone. And I just want you to know that I wouldn’t have been bothered if you never told me at all. I’d have waited forever if that’s how long it took for you to be ready.”
Akito paused, unsure of how to react.
“Thank you, I guess. For not hating me.”
“Just returning the favour.”
“What time is it?”
Toya jabbed at his phone screen until it turned on.
“Around 2 in the morning.”
“We should go back to sleep”
“We don’t have to, though. We can just stay like this until the morning and I can tell An to postpone practice”
“But-”
“I was going to tell An to postpone practice regardless, and you don’t have a say in the matter. So pick whether you want to sleep or stay awake, because I’m NOT letting you push yourself after something like this.”
“We can stay awake, then.” Akito mumbled dejectedly.
“Alright. I’m making breakfast. And we’re staying home from school today.”
“Okay, fine. Just, don’t burn the pancakes this time.”
And as peaceful silence filled the room again, Akito found himself comfortably wrapped in Toya’s arms. He wouldn’t have it any other way.