Chapter Text
“Why?” Kunikida asks. “Why do you keep doing this?”
“Because it’s funny,” Dazai insists, because it’s easier than trying to explain his actual motives.
“I don’t understand why Fukuzawa keeps letting you do this.”
Well, because Fukuzawa sees through Dazai’s claims about humour and character building and socialising or whatever, through to Dazai’s actual motives. Dazai smiles. “Obviously, he likes me more than you.”
Kunikida narrows his eyes at Dazai before writing something down in his notebook. Dazai thinks nothing of it until there’s a signature flash that accompanies Kunikida’s ability and before Dazai can ask him what’s going on, he gets a water balloon to the face.
Kunikida snickers.
Dazai spits water out of his mouth and blinks at Kunikida. “I’m not cleaning this up.”
“I know. It’s worth it.”
“Uh, Dazai,” Tanizaki says uncertainly, gesturing slightly with his telephone, “um, it’s for you.”
Kunikida rolls his eyes as Dazai tells Tanizaki to forward the call. “It must be your wonder duo. Hey, Yosano, do you think they capsized a car or blew up a waterfall this time?”
“Get off of me, asshole!”
Dazai is holding the phone away from his ear and waiting for a shouting match to cease.
“I think they’re fighting each other,” Yosano says seriously.
“Really? That’s so unexpected!”
“Ha ha,” Dazai says flatly. “You two are so funny.”
“Dazai!” Akutagawa screeches into the phone. Muffled, Atsushi’s yelling is audible but not comprehensible. “Come here and fix this!”
“Yes, yes, I’m on my way.”
The line ends, cutting off enraged screaming.
“Good luck,” Ranpo calls when Dazai grabs his coat and heads to the doors.
“Ranpo,” Kunikida says, “why does the president keep letting Dazai partner up the worst pair in the history of partners for assignments?”
Ranpo shrugs. “Dunno. Not interested.”
Kunikida huffs. After a moment, he gets up to fetch the mop.
“It’s not funny!” Atsushi cries when Dazai finally reaches the warehouse they’re hiding out in and the first thing he does is snicker.
“It’s a little funny,” Dazai says. “Akutagawa, didn’t I teach you how to pick a handcuff?”
Akutagawa huffs and looks away. “I lost my lockpick in the fight. We’ve been like this for two hours.”
“Mm, and why haven’t you used Rashomon to at least cut through the chain so you aren’t cuffed to each other anymore?”
Akutagawa refuses to answer, and Atsushi mumbles too quietly to be heard.
“I didn’t quite catch that.”
“We ran into someone who wasn’t in the briefing file,” Atsushi says. “An ability user we didn’t account for. We assumed any strangers we encountered wouldn’t have abilities, since the briefing file was detailed about ability users, so we engaged without caution regarding physical contact. We — she — well, we’ve had our abilities . . . swapped. And we don’t know how to use them.”
“You what?” Dazai asks, blinking slowly and amusement quickly draining from his grin.
Atsushi glances around helplessly, as though the answer will fall from the rafters.
“We fucked up,” Akutagawa grumbles, glaring at Atsushi like it’s his fault alone. Atsushi turns to glare back.
And before Dazai can ask them to explain it to him one more time, Rashomon erupts — a pretty white and from Atsushi.
“Dazai!”
Dazai reaches out for Atsushi and Rashomon fizzles out. He tilts his head. “Did . . . did that happen to swap them back?”
Akutagawa and Atsushi shake their heads.
“Ah. Then perhaps I’ll need to tap the ability user,” Dazai says and he picks the cuffs for them. “You’ll have to tell me everything you know.”
“You mean we’re stuck like this?” Akutagawa snaps.
Dazai nods, somewhat sympathetic. He can’t imagine not only losing his ability, but also having it traded with someone else’s. Well, he thinks maybe he and Chuuya wouldn’t have a problem. But that’s different. That’s Chuuya.
“Unfortunately,” Dazai says, “until we locate the ability user. We can hope that it’ll wear off on its own if we have difficulty finding the ability user. But for all intents and purposes, yes. You’re stuck like this.”
Akutagawa glares at Atsushi. “How do you live like this?”
“How do you?” Atsushi fires back. “I’m starving.”
“Starving?” Dazai says. He turns to Akutagawa. “You never mentioned starving.”
Akutagawa shrugs. “I was used to it before and now I have food. The fool is simply not used to accommodating for Rashomon.”
“No,” Atsushi agrees, “but I am used to accommodating for the tiger. This is ridiculous!”
“How do you get rid of the tiger anyway?” Akutagawa snaps.
“You don’t. He’s just . . . kind of there. Like a permanent companion.”
Akutagawa stares at Atsushi. “He just sits there in silence?”
“I mean, you can probably talk to him. He’s a tiger. Tigers don’t talk. But, y’know, he can think and act. You should try hugging him sometime. Not physically, of course. You know what I mean.”
“You hug your ability?”
“Don’t you? Maybe Rashomon would be less violent if you hugged her now and then.”
On cue, Rashomon flares out. Before Dazai can reach for Atsushi, Rashomon has him suspended from the warehouse rafters.
“Apologise and maybe she’ll let you down,” Akutagawa calls when Atsushi stops screaming.
“Rashomon is sentient?” Dazai asks Akutagawa.
“Yeah. Well, kind of. You didn’t know?”
“You never said.”
“I thought you knew.”
“How am I supposed to know something like that?”
Akutagawa frowns at Dazai. “Since when do you not know things? What happened to the great Demon Prodigy and his all-knowing brilliance? I thought you were more perceptive than that.”
Dazai blinks at Akutagawa for a second in dumbfounded silence before his face cracks into a delighted grin. “Oh, you’ve gotten bolder! I like it!”
To Dazai’s great amusement, when Akutagawa’s eyes widen and he presses his lips shut, a pair of fluffy cat ears pop up on his head.
Atsushi crashes into a crate. Grumbling and complaining, he picks himself up out of the mess and stumbles back towards Dazai and Akutagawa. He turns to Dazai the moment he catches sight of the cat ears.
“What did you say to him?”
“What makes you think I said something?”
Atsushi points at Akutagawa’s head and the cat ears. “He’s surprised. The only things that surprise Akutagawa are me, eyebrows and you, sometimes.”
“Fuck you, jinko.”
“Fuck you, jinko,” Atsushi fires back and grins at the look of surprise on Akutagawa’s face.
“My, my, Atsushi,” Dazai says, “when did you learn to be so foul?”
“Dazai, please. You can only spend so much time around someone like Akutagawa before you learn to match his speed.”
“Fuck off,” Akutagawa grumbles.
“Make me, jinko,” Atsushi says, grinning again when the insult — pet name? Endearment? — startles Akutagawa again.
Akutagawa’s cat ears twitch once.
“I’m sorry,” Dazai says, staring at Akutagawa, “but do you currently have four ears?”
Akutagawa reaches up for his ears and looks absolutely horrified when he shakes his head.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Atsushi says, “they’ll be back when the tiger’s ears go down. And you can still hear out of the tiger’s ears. Actually, you should be able to hear more with them.”
“This is quite fascinating,” Dazai murmurs. “You’ll have to both be watched while we hunt down the ability user. Akutagawa, can I trust you to choose someone capable of handling a tiger should the beast make an appearance?”
Akutagawa thinks about it and nods.
“Atsushi, you’ll have to stay with me. I’ll be able to keep Rashomon from flinging you around.”
Atsushi nods.
Dazai turns to Akutagawa. “Do you need a ride?”
“I’ll call a car. We still have those, you know.”
Dazai grins. “Of course. Would you like some company while you wait?”
Akutagawa scrunches up his nose and starts to shake his head.
“I want to wait until your car arrives,” Atsushi says firmly.
“I don’t need —”
“It’s for my own peace of mind, asshole. You almost died, like, three times today alone.”
Dazai thinks there’s more going on than he’s privy to. He’s curious, but he’s sure that he’ll learn more staying quiet and observing than he would if he asked any questions.
He learns a lot. Like the fact that Atsushi, who is so mild-mannered and polite with everyone in the agency, is actually quite the little shit around Akutagawa.
“Don’t stand so close to me,” Akutagawa snaps after approximately two minutes of silence.
“Don’t worry, I don’t like you either. I’m just hoping Rashomon flares up and you get a taste of your own medicine.”
“I will bite you,” Akutagawa threatens.
“Kinky.” Atsushi winks. Atsushi, who gets flustered if Dazai flirts with someone in front of him. Atsushi, who turns red when Ranpo is in a bragging mood about the way Poe kisses. That Atsushi fucking winks at Akutagawa.
Akutagawa gags. “Grow up.”
From the mundane reaction, Dazai can only assume that this is not a rare occurrence. Interesting.
Three more minutes teach Dazai something else.
“Has it stopped bleeding yet?” Atsushi asks softly.
Akutagawa hums, contrary to Dazai’s expectations of a snappish warning to stay out of his business.
“Good. I thought the tiger would take care of it, but I wanted to be sure.”
Akutagawa glances at Atsushi out of the corner of his eye. “When you get home, ice the bruise and don’t move around too much. You’re not feeling it now, but you will later. It won’t heal as fast as you’re used to, so be careful.”
Atsushi nods. “Got it.”
Dazai watches the exchange with piqued interest. So, beneath all the bickering and attacking, they do care about one another’s wellbeing. Dazai wonders if that’s the extent of it.
At minute six, Dazai discovers something quite delightful.
Gin arrives with a driver after six minutes of waiting in the warehouse and fusses over her brother for a moment. Then, she thanks Atsushi for keeping him alive and nods a polite greeting to Dazai. Atsushi watches Akutagawa get into the car and pouts once it pulls away.
“What’s that face for?” Dazai asks.
“I don’t like not hearing as much as I used to.”
“Oh?”
“Before, when I had the tiger, I could hear him even after the car doors closed.”
“Hear him? What, talking?”
“Hm? Oh, no. Like, his breathing. He likes to act like he’s fine, and then he stops putting up a front when he thinks I can’t see him anymore. So, when it’s times like those, I text Gin to give her a heads up so she knows what to do with him. I don’t have the tiger anymore, so I can’t do that this time. I don’t like it.”
Oh. Atsushi cares. Very much. He didn’t know that Atsushi even had Gin’s number, let alone that Atsushi kept tabs on her brother for her.
Dazai smiles. “I’m sure she’ll do just fine. We’ll get your ability back. Just try to play nice with Rashomon for now.”
Atsushi nods. Then he frowns. “Please tell me we have a car too.”
Dazai continues to smile. “We’ll get a taxi.”
Atsushi sighs.
“Wait,” Kyoka says, “so Akutagawa has the tiger and you have Rashomon?”
Atsushi nods.
“What’s it like? I’ve always wondered, but Akutagawa didn’t like to talk about it.”
“Oh, it’s. . .” Atsushi trails off and scratches the back of his head as he laughs nervously. “It’s kind of strange and kind of nice at the same time?”
Dazai thinks the difference in the way Atsushi interacts with Akutagawa and the way he interacts with everyone else needs to be studied.
Kenji, who’s standing right behind Kyoka, tilts his head. “What do you mean?”
“Well, it’s kind of like having a demonic imaginary friend that’s surprisingly comforting. Rashomon is really nice when she’s not acting up.”
“She?” Yosano asks, looking up from her own paperwork.
“Yeah, she just feels like a she. I think it makes her happy to be thought of like that. Plus, Akutagawa’s always referred to her like that.”
“Rashomon is sentient?” Ranpo asks, and Dazai feels a bit better about not knowing that now that he knows Ranpo didn’t either.
“Kind of,” Atsushi says. “It’s more feelings than thoughts. It’s not like Rashomon has a mind of her own, but she does lash out sometimes. She suspended me from the ceiling because I told Akutagawa he should hug her and maybe she’d be less violent.”
Dazai manages to get a hand on Atsushi before Rashomon can do more than make an appearance.
“Like that,” Atsushi says with a nervous smile that Dazai thinks might be a little put on.
“Does Rashomon respond to your feelings?” Kyoka asks.
Atsushi shakes his head. “I don’t think so. I think she can just tell that I’m unfamiliar with her.”
Dazai thinks that might not be very accurate, and from the curious gaze Ranpo gives Atsushi, Dazai thinks he might be right.
Tachihara is wheezing. He’s clutching his middle with one arm, and trying to find purchase on the wall with the other. He looks absolutely red in the face and like he’s about to start crying.
Akutagawa turns to Gin. “Why is he here?”
“We just got back from an assignment ourselves. You know Tachihara and Hirotsu come over to relax after difficult days.”
“Get rid of him.”
“You have -!” Tachihara pauses to wheeze again, sounding like someone is dragging the life out of him with an arcade claw machine. When he speaks again, he’s almost incomprehensible through the wheezed breath. “Cat ears!”
Akutagawa does not look impressed as Tachihara gives up and sinks to the floor.
“I think they’re cute,” Gin says, reaching up for his hair.
“Don’t touch them!” Akutagawa snaps, jumping away from Gin and covering his ears with his hands. He has no desire to start purring in his apartment while both Tachihara and Hirotsu are there. For a second, he wonders if Atsushi is doing all right. He’s an unhinged bastard by nature, and Rashomon tends to get excited and flare up to match the unhinged energy.
Gin raises her hands. “Okay, sorry.”
Akutagawa feels a little bad about snapping at his sister. “They’re just . . . sensitive, okay?”
She nods. “I get it. It’s okay, promise. Are you hurt anywhere?”
“Not anymore. The idiot’s ability has a decent healing factor.”
“Oh! That’s nice!” Gin’s happy face falls. “Wait, but then that means he currently doesn’t have his healing factor.”
Akutagawa shrugs and nods.
“Okay. I’ll just make something for him, then.”
“What?”
Tachihara even gets up and follows after Gin with Akutagawa. “Wait, why?”
“Well, he’s obviously never had to deal with the occupational hazard of his job the way everyone else does before. He must be miserable.”
“He has one little bruise, Gin,” Akutagawa says.
“Knowing the calibre of work you do, I can only assume that your joint assignments are of the same or similar level. Your idea of one little bruise could actually be a nasty hematoma. We might all consider that better than expected, but I’m willing to bet he’s never had to wait a month to heal before and on top of that, he’s probably never had to deal with the pain after the adrenaline wears off so he's probably nauseous as hell. Therefore, if the two of you can get out of my way, I have a soup to make.”
Tachihara and Akutagawa watch Hirotsu glide into the kitchen and silently begin to help Gin.
“This is insane,” Akutagawa says.
“Ooh, can I go buy pineapples?” Tachihara asks, leaning on the counter beside the cabinet Gin is poking around in. He leans in front of her to get her attention. “Pineapples help with bruises, right? I can make a fruit salad! We can put yogurt in it. You give me yogurt when I get hurt, so that’s good too, right?”
She gives him a wary look. “Why do you want to help?”
“Because I wanna.”
“Hm.” Gin narrows her eyes at him for a moment. “Fine. But get soft fruits, like mango, melon and papaya.”
“Atsushi doesn’t like papaya,” Akutagawa pipes up. He raises his eyebrows when Gin stares at him. “What?”
“I was unaware you knew what his name was.”
Tachihara snorts. Hirotsu at least has the decency to turn away and snicker silently.
“When did you start learning about the weretiger’s likes and dislikes?” Tachihara asks with a grin that says he’s about to cause some kind of shit.
“Do you have any idea how annoying it is to attempt to do a stealthy information extraction and have a moron who is supposed to be navigating you through the building but is actually listing all the reasons he should be in therapy in your ear? I’m forced to hear about them.”
Tachihara grins. “Sure, buddy. Gin, can I take the car?”
Gin nods. “Sure. But if I see one scratch —”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, you’ll castrate me. Got it. Does anyone want anything?”
“I want you to leave and never come back,” Akutagawa says, frowning.
“Sorry, buddy, no can do. Gin said we can watch Mission Impossible tonight.”
“Oh, well, that makes me glad I’ll be staying with Chuuya while this swap thing is in effect.”
“Rude,” Tachihara says. “You just have bad taste. Mission Impossible is amazing.”
“Don’t make me regret it,” Gin says. Then she turns around and faces Hirotsu. “Clear, chicken or miso?”
“Chicken. He’ll need the proteins, especially if he’s not used to it.”
Gin nods. “Great, can you cut the onion for me? I don’t like cutting onions.”
Akutagawa rolls his eyes. “Fine, do whatever you want. I’m going to pack some clothes.”
“Not so fast. You’re delivering the food.”
“Wh- why me?!”
Gin raises her eyebrows. “Do you think any of us know where he lives?”
“You could probably find out.”
“What, with no way of contacting him? Do you really think I could call the agency office and they’d tell a Port Mafia battalion leader the home address of one of its detectives? Don’t be daft, Ryuu.”
Akutagawa’s eye twitches. “Fine.”
Atsushi and Dazai share a glance when the doorbell rings.
“Are you expecting anyone?” Atsushi asks.
“Stay here,” Dazai says, getting up from the couch and leaving Atsushi with the movie they’d been watching. Atsushi abandons the movie and gets up on the couch, leaning over the backrest to try to see into the doorway.
He hears Dazai’s voice. “What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay home.”
Atsushi hears a low growl that sounds like an angry, discontent cat and jumps off the couch, wincing when the motion sends a jolt of pain through his body. He stumbles a bit when he gets to the genkan, his socks sliding on the hardwood floor. “Hi!” he chirps a little too excitedly, waving at Akutagawa. He chalks it up to being relieved that Akutagawa was honestly okay enough that he’s out and on his feet.
Dazai sighs and taps his shoulder. Atsushi smiles sheepishly. “Sorry.” He turns to Akutagawa. “Don’t you have any tips about controlling Rashomon? Or at least keeping her from trying to destroy the entire building?”
Akutagawa shrugs. “It’s all instinct to me. Sorry.”
“Ah, that’s all right. What’s that?”
“Oh.” Akutagawa hands the basket to Dazai. “Dinner, from the Black Lizard. They’re appropriating my apartment again. Gin said you might be nauseous so she made something light to eat. Tachihara made the fruit salad, though.”
Atsushi pretends not to see Dazai’s quizzical gaze on him as he smiles and rocks on his heels, hands clasped behind his back. “Tell her I said thank you very much for the food — well, all of them. Do you need anything? Are you doing okay?”
Akutagawa shrugs. “I’m fine. Just a little tired from today.”
Atsushi’s shoulders drip ever so slightly as he nods. “Oh. Yeah. I feel like I’m gonna fall asleep right now.”
Akutagawa suddenly narrows his eyes at Atsushi. “Why the fuck are you running around? I told you to be careful.”
“I’m not used to needing to be careful! By this time, I’m usually in perfect shape!”
“You’re so fucking annoying, you know that?”
Dazai clears his throat. “Akutagawa, would you like to stay for dinner? I know you’re fond of your sister’s cooking.”
“Can’t. Chuuya said he’d throw me out the window if I didn’t get back within an hour.”
“Oh. You’re staying with chibi?”
Akutagawa shrugs. “He said he’d be able to handle any problems. And he’d keep it quiet.”
“Hm.”
Atsushi gives Dazai a wary look and glances at Akutagawa to make sure that he can tell it’s Dazai’s scheming face too.
“Thank you for the food!” Atsushi says loudly. “Bye!”
Akutagawa flees before Atsushi even closes the door. Atsushi turns around to look at Dazai. “Whatever you’re thinking about, no. The last time you had an idea, I had to trade my tiger for a moody demon and I’m still bruised.”
Dazai grins. “How would you like to meet Nakahara Chuuya?”
Oh, dear God.