Work Text:
“Dude, we have to watch the new Star Wars movie! I already downloaded it to my computer!”
“What? No! You promised me last time that I could pick what we watched next and today I am catching you up on the new season of Doctor Sexy.”
Charlie rolled her eyes dramatically as she walked down the stairs of the bunker, “But that's exactly my point!” She dumps the bag of junk food they had acquired at Gas n’ Sip on the map table, turning to look at Dean, “You’ve already watched the new season, but neither of us has seen The Force Awakens!”
“Nope,” Dean says while shaking his head, “We are watching Doctor Sexy and that is final.” He gives her a playfully pointed look, “Plus, I can not die happy without seeing your reaction to episode four.”
“But Dean…Daisy Rylee.” Charlie pleads.
“Not going to happen.”
They hold a challenged stare for a second, both wanting their ways. Eventually, Charlie cracks and sighs.
“Yes!” Dean laughs triumphantly.
She laughs herself, amused by Dean’s antics, “Fine, but only because you bought the snacks” She says, shaking her bag of Swedish fish.
Dean nods, “Anything for my favorite fugitive of the law.”
Charlie grins, turning to walk to Dean’s room, where she knows the binge-watching will be held, “Right back at yeah.”
It had been quiet at the bunker, one of the many reasons Dean was happy to have Charlie over. Sam had gone off with Eileen for the week, and Dean had to force himself not to smile like an idiot when his brother had told him. Hell, he’s so happy for Sam. Dean had always felt guilty for Sam’s lack of friends when they were younger, and even now. The job prevents them from getting close to people. But now his brother was going on a trip with his girlfriend to go see some flowers bloom. It made him feel content.
However, it means that Dean was cooped up in the bunker by himself (As Cas had been MIA for the past couple of weeks), and there are only so many things you can clean before it begins to feel like overkill.
It annoyed him how nervous he felt texting Charlie to ask her if she wanted to hang out. They had hung out a while back, and he knew from texting her that she was only a state away for a convention. But he still found himself typing out the text and rewriting it multiple times, a part of him still convinced that he’s not the kind of person people wanted to be around.
He eventually sent the text, and Charlie said ‘Of course’ and that ‘she was excited to come’ because Charlie is obviously one of the best people in the world.
Dean had prepared his room for their epic viewing of Doctor Sexy. He dragged the mini-fridge from the library into his room for the week to minimize time spent walking to the kitchen for drinks. He washed some extra pillows from a guest bedroom to put on his bed for maximum comfort, and he even spent an ungodly amount of money on throw blankets the last time he was in town.
He also considered upgrading them from watching on his laptop and buying a TV for the room, but he didn’t want to seem overexcited. Even though he totally was.
It was just a hard concept for him to grasp; That someone who wasn’t forced to be here wanted to spend time with him. Sam only sticks around because he’s his brother, and Cas isn’t even here right now. Which shows how much he enjoys Dean’s company outside of work, but Dean’s trying to not be bitter about that.
Charlie’s eyes widen as she enters his room, “Whoahhh, made some improvements since the last time I’ve been here, huh?” A bright smile on her face.
“Hey, just thought the extra comfort would help enrich our Doctor Sexy experience.” Hoping that he doesn’t sound embarrassed.
Charlie sees right through him, of course, teasing, “Can’t fool me, Winchester, you got all this stuff just for lil’ ol’ me”, Poking him in the chest.
He feels his face heat as he walks towards the bed, “Shut up.”
Charlie bursts into loud laughter as she plops down on Dean’s bed, making herself comfortable, “Ok, calm down. I need you to remind me of what happened last season so that I’m in the zone.”
Dean grins and gets comfortable beside her, resting his laptop in front of them, “I thought you’d never ask.
He then spends the next half an hour going into detail about what had happened in the last season, while also dipping back into previous seasons to make sure she would remember certain plot points that were going to be brought up. The whole thing ends up taking way longer than it probably should have. Dean always finds himself giving way to detailed explanations of things he likes, and he doesn’t know why. It’s just that all of it seems important to him, and he can’t help but ramble on despite his knowledge that the person he is ranting to probably doesn’t care.
That’s usually the case with Sam, he never seems to have the patience for Dean’s rants. Saying things like, ‘Ok, dude, I get it, the foreshadowing is crazy, but can you just get to the point?’, or ‘Why is this relevant?’. And most of the time it doesn’t bother Dean, Sam is just his bitchy, little brother, so be it. But sometimes he just wants somebody to be interested in what he is saying.
To be fair, Cas always listens to what he says and seems to value it.
But Cas isn’t here right now, is he?
The person here right now who is listening to him explain the complex relationship between Dr. Sexy and Nurse Rebecca and listening like he is revealing the secrets of the universe, is Charlie. He loves her for it.
“Ok, so Carmen found out that Rebecca and Dr. Sexy are a thing, but why is that such a big deal for her?” She inquires.
“Dude, remember what I said earlier? About what happened between Carmen and Rebecca at the welcome party? Come on, Charlie, I thought you said you watched the last season!” Dean sighs in light-hearted exasperation.
“I did watch it!” She exclaims in mock offense, “I just may or may not have fallen asleep during the last few episodes…”
“Charlie!”
She laughs, “I’m sorry ok! But alright, the welcome party? Didn’t they just talk to each other, I don’t remember you saying anything actually happened?”
Dean shakes his head, “No, I told you! They sat next to each other and talked about Carmen's dead brother!” He looks at her expectantly.
Charlie stares blankly at him.
Dean groans, “They are in love!” He says like she should’ve known.
Her eyebrows draw in confusion, “Why because they talked about her dead brother?”
“Yes”
“Why does that mean they’re in love?”
Dean sighs and leans his head back against the wall, “Dude it’s all in the subtext! Throughout the whole season, Carmen is a fucking recluse, but now all of a sudden she’s sitting next to Rebecca and telling her something she’s never told anybody else in the entire hospital? Love, they’re in fucking love.” He states triumphantly.
Charlie rolls her eyes, “Ok, ok I get it. They’re in love, I’ll be the judge of that”
“No need to judge, I already know.” He says as he gets ready to hit play on the first episode.
“Oh sure, and you’re the all-knowing expert when it comes to queer relationships.” She teases.
Dean’s hand paused in the air where he was going to press play, not expecting her to say something like that. He doesn’t know why. He also doesn’t know why her saying that makes him feel weird and nervous. Like she was stepping too close to a topic Dean usually preferred to stay away from.
Her smile fell when she saw his face, and it looked like she was going to say something, but Dean had snapped out of his shock and pressed play before she could say anything.
He laid back into the mound of pillows behind them and focused his eyes on the screen, and after a moment of hesitance, Charlie followed.
-
They were now four episodes deep into their Dr. Sexy marathon, and the awkwardness had long passed. Within minutes of the first episode, they were joking with each other and making observations.
Right now they had one of Dean’s newly purchased blankets thrown over them. They were more horizontal than when they began, and sunk back into the bed after a few hours.
They were currently watching Dr. Sexy perform life-saving surgery on a man who had swallowed 34 guitar picks. Which, first of all, why? And second of all, why?
As he and Charlie were hyper-focused on the intense scene, he found himself admiring Dr. Sexy. They had cut off his long hair this season, giving him a shorter cut. Which Dean had been more upset about than he’d like to admit when he first found out. The cut eventually grew on him, but he still misses the long hair.
His eyes focused on the harsh creases of his forehead as he concentrated. It reminded him of Cas, who always seems to have a similar expression.
Dean shakes his head slightly, trying to rid his brain of thoughts of Cas. He scoots lower in the bed and lays his head on Charlie's shoulder, just as she had done to him earlier.
Physical affection was a big thing for Dean. He had deep-rooted issues surrounding it. His Dad was never an affectionate person except for when he and Sam were both little. They never hugged unless they hadn’t seen each other in a while, or something bad had happened. So Dean never really got a handle on when or how to show physical affection.
He had a small breakdown about it a few months ago. He was laying in his room, feeling really shitty for some reason. And since he was dumb and didn’t distract his thoughts with music or TV, his mind started to wander. He somehow ended up going down the rabbit hole in his mind about the last time he had been touched. He and Sam had given each other the occasional slap on the back recently, but he can’t remember being hugged in a long time. When he was younger and more emotionally raw. When Sam had left for school and his Dad would fuck-off to go do other things, and Dean was alone. He felt such big emotions that he was never taught how to deal with them. So he ended up just having lots of sex. It fixed some problems for him. He would get to talk to someone, enjoy an intimate night together, and lay with someone for a while afterward.
It got Dean through a good chunk of years when he was on his own.
But in all honesty, he hadn’t had sex in a long time. He thinks maybe he is just getting to the point in life where pointless hookups just don’t seem appealing to him. For reasons he really doesn’t want to think about for too long.
So Dean is thankful for Charlie because she makes him so comfortable around her. She hugs him and sits close to him, and lays her head on his shoulder. It makes him feel safe.
In the show, Dr. Sexy has successfully finished his surgery, and now he and Rebecca are having sex in the storage closet (Which in Dean’s opinion is really out of character for Rebecca, but he’ll let it slide).
Dean finds himself in a trance of sorts as he watches the scene in front of him. Dr. Sexy has shed his lab coat and is making way for his shirt. His arms are thick, biceps bulging as his arm is braced against the wall behind Rebecca.
They eventually switch positions, Dr. Sexy sitting in a chair and Rebecca on top of him, moving suggestively. They were both shirtless now, but Rebecca was pressed close enough to Dr. Sexy to make her TV appropriate. The same went for how the camera angle cut off right at their waists, leaving everything else up to the imagination. But Dean secretly wished it didn’t as he stared at Dr. Sexy’s lower stomach. Where it glistened with sweat and constricted with each effort he made to move Rebecca on top of him. His torso was wide and thick, he knew Dr. Sexy was strong. Dean imagined what his skin would feel like under his hands. He re-focused on his biceps, they reminded him of Cas-
“God Damn, Rebecca is hot.” Charlie blurted out, staring at the screen.
Dean looked up at her, and when he looked back to the screen he realized that, yeah, she was hot. Her back was on display, her head tilted back, mouth agape. Her tan skin glistened under the fluorescent lights of the storage closet
She was hot.
Why had Dean not noticed her?
His mind backtracks on his previous thoughts and he feels his breath become uneven. Why had he so focused on Dr. Sexy, when there was a perfectly attractive woman on top of him? Why had he thought of his skin under his fingers, why had he thought of Cas?
It’s probably just because Cas had been on his mind a lot recently, or at least that’s what he is going to tell himself. After their weird argument right before Cas left, his mind is nothing but a constant loop of what he could have done differently.
He doesn’t let himself dig too deep into the thought, because this night is about Charlie and Doctor Sexy, not about his shortcomings. So he buries his difficult feelings for another five episodes, thank god Doctor Sexy has so many episodes.
Dean starts getting antsy when they decide that the next episode will be their last one for the night. Both of their eyes drooped as the season went on. But Dean has a burning question, one that he knows if he doesn’t ask now, he never will. Because right now, he is lying in his room, with his best friend all alone in the bunker, and he thinks that this is the most safe and comfortable he has been with someone in a long time. If he lets Charlie go to her established guest room after this episode is over, this moment will be over. And he knows in his heart that if this moment isn’t right, then no moment ever will be.
So with his head on Charlie's shoulder, and her head resting in his hair. As Carmen is crying in her car after a fight with Rebecca about Dr. Sexy, Dean asks a question.
A question that has eaten away at him for years, one that he’s never had the courage to ask anybody, but desperately wants the answer to.
He takes a deep breath, his heart beating out of his chest and-
“How did you know you were gay?”
Jesus Christ.
He sounded like the plot of every bad, gay, coming-of-age movie.
Charlie’s head snaps to look at him, eyes wide in surprise, “What?”
Dean winces, A harsh flush making its way up his neck, “Shit, I’m sorry. Um, why don’t we just call it a night,” He’s already starting to sit up, “I’m tired anyways and-“
Charlie grabs him by the shoulder and shoves him back into the pillow he had been lying on, “Dean, calm down. It’s all good, I was just surprised you asked is all.” She had a concerned look on her face.
He lets out a breath and stiffly lies back where she had pushed him. He’s glad she’s not mad at him. He was scared he had crossed a boundary he wasn’t aware of, he doesn’t have many conversations like this.
“Oh, ok. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, I was just curious.” He’s mumbling and can’t even look up at her, his eyes drawn down where he is picking at the threads of his new blanket.
She stares at him for a few seconds, like she is trying to gauge what she is feeling. She then sits up, turning and sitting cross-cross so she is facing Dean.
“I know this is going to be a shitty answer, but I just have kind of always felt this way? Like I was always more interested in girls in my class than I was in the boys. But I don’t think I realized what was going on until middle school. I had this best friend, and I was totally obsessed with her. I wanted to be around her all the time, and hold her and stuff.” It was her turn to look down, “And then at some point, I just realized those are things you probably don’t think about best friends.”
She didn’t seem uncomfortable, more nostalgic if anything.
Dean mulled over her words, then asked, “So…you just one day knew? And then you just accepted it and lived life knowing it?”
Her lips curled into a fond smile, “Man, I wish it was that easy. Even though my parents hadn’t been religious or anything, growing up in a world with mostly straight people makes you question yourself. I tried reasoning with myself for a long time, ignoring it for a while.”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know until I was in high school I guess. I just got to a point where I was sick of hiding such a big part of my identity, and I felt like I was wasting time ignoring something I knew had to come at some point.” She chuckled.
Dean still hadn’t looked at her at this point. She hadn’t told him anything groundbreaking. She said almost everything he had imagined her saying. It wasn’t really that he was looking for an answer, more for… confirmation.
He started to pick at his fingers, “Did…what pushed you to act on…or whatever.” She would know what he meant.
She did, “How most straight people act on things I would assume. I met a girl who I thought was the most amazing person I had ever met. I thought she was smart, caring, and beautiful. And it got to a point where she meant so much to me, that I wanted to tell her. But also, it’s not really an ‘act on’ type of thing, it's more of a ‘that’s just the way you are’ type of thing.”
Dean felt his eyes burn slightly.
He stays silent for a few minutes. Memories of various moments in his life flood his mind. He remembers how he had a friend in 2nd grade, and how he would hold his hand while walking to the cafeteria. How, one day, his dad came to pick him up early because they needed to move on to a new town for a case. How he had ripped his small hand from the other boy’s and dragged him by the arm to the Impala. Dean remembers how his arm hurt, he also remembers learning for the first time what ‘gay’ meant.
He remembers all the times his father told him to wear bulkier clothes because his thin, teenage frame made him look queer. He remembers stomping out of their hotel room when he was sixteen and throwing a black and magenta flannel into the dumpster with tears streaming down his face.
His Dad had called him a faggot.
It was the fact that his father had told him things like this more times than Dean can count. It made him live in constant fear that his deepest secret was etched in writing across his forehead. It made him defensive, hyper-aware of his actions and how they could be perceived.
It’s why he freaked out at Cas before he left.
They had been talking about the show ‘Friends’ while Dean was making a sandwich. Cas was sitting at the kitchen table, simply talking to him. ‘Friends’ had been a show he introduced to Cas, and he actually liked it. This was great news for Dean because he loved having new things to talk to Cas about.
It was at that moment that they were discussing who was better for Rachel; Ross or Joey. The obvious answer was Joey because Ross is the actual worse, but Cas seemed to have other opinions.
‘I agree that Ross is not the best morally, but I think overall he and Rachel are more fit for each other.’ He said, ‘Rachel and Joey are too similar to be romantic partners.’
These opinions lead to more playful bickering, and Cas finally letting Dean win.
Dean cheered triumphantly and said, ‘See? Now you finally get it. Joey is superior in every way.’
The real issue started when Cas responded to this by saying, ‘I can see how you would think that, he is very attractive.’
It was so, so stupid, in hindsight. That was such a normal thing to say, but the moment it was said alarm bells started blaring through Dean’s mind.
He became overly defensive to Cas saying things like, ‘Why would you say that?’, and, ‘Don’t assume things about me, Cas.’ The whole thing was a needlessly hostel.
Dean was just scared.
Everything escalated from there, to the point where Dean had told Cas to leave. So the ‘Starting the Stupidest Argument of All Time’ award is officially on Dean’s shelf.
And with each day that passed with Dean knowing he was the reason Cas wasn’t at the bunker, was another day that Dean wished he wasn’t like this.
Dean was zoned out, his mind holding him hostage, his eyes glazed over. Charlie must have noticed, because the next thing he knows she is laying back down next to him and pulling him into a lying down, side hug. He turns into her and hugs her back, an arm swinging over her waist and his head resting in the crease of her neck. She brings one hand to cradle the back of his head, and the other to rub his shoulder.
He breathes deeply, hoping to calm himself. His breath is shaky when he speaks, “Charlie?”
She squeezes his shoulder, “Yeah?” Her voice impossibly gently.
“I- I think. I mean, I know-“ He’s struggling for words, feeling like oxygen isn’t reaching the bottom of his lungs.
“Dean,” She shushes him, “You can totally say it if you want to, but I feel like I may already know what you’re going to say.” She says almost nervously.
He doesn’t know why, but this makes him laugh. A hardy, tear-filled laugh left him. He wears an amused smirk, and confused face as he asks, “What do you mean?”
She holds a more dead-pan tone now, “I mean, I hate to tell you this, but only a certain demographic of people ask other people ‘How did you know you were gay’.”
He huffs quietly into her neck, “I like women you know.”
This time it was Charlie's turn to laugh, hysterical when she gasps out, “Yeah no shit Sherlock.”
He is laughing himself now, pushing away from the hug and looking up at her, “You’re terrible you know? This was supposed to be a serious conversation!” He teases as he wipes off the reminisce of the few stray tears he shed.
Charlie throws her head back in a laugh, “Since when have I ever been serious?”
“Good point.” He smiles.
They’re silent for a few seconds before it is broken by Charlie.
“But on a serious note, I’m down to talk about whatever you need to talk about.” Her eyes match her genuine tone.
As Dean looks up at her, he feels like he could cry all over again. He could never have asked for a better friend than Charlie, and quite frankly he doesn’t think one exists.
He only nods in response, scared his voice would shake if he answered verbally.
Charlie grins at him, “Ok, on that note, I think I need one more episode before bed!”
They don’t even make it halfway through the next episode before they both start dozing off, leaning completely back into the bed.
Dean feels peaceful lying next to Charlie, he feels safe and understood. Which is a rare thing for him.
Right as he feels himself slip into unconsciousness he hears Charlie's voice over the low volume of Dr. Sexy.
“Love you, Dean.”
“…Love you too.”
-
He called Cas the next morning.