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The matter regarding Kim Dokja’s face came up by chance.
It had been little more than a day after they successfully cleared the 62nd scenario. The company was sprawled across a spacious room in the industrial complex, thoughts and bodies alike still half lingering on the past fight; an attack missed by a second, a skill that could be perfected and the soreness of a wound that had not been avoided. Even in the relatively safe atmosphere of the area, they could not truly relax in a world of scenarios.
Yoo Joonghyuk knew this better than most. It certainly had its toll: to cling to the past of avoidable mistakes and desperately reach for the hope of a distant future. In a setting like this, few were the people who could stand to truly dwell in their present time - a time of a world ravaged by the apocalypse. Still, they had no choice. After all, had not that fool, Kim Dokja, told him once? To live properly this time around? These were the thoughts that crossed Yoo Joonghyuk’s mind, as he diligently polished the tip of the Black Heavenly Demon Sword in his hands.
Yet such a fool seemed to be himself removed from the moment. Despite being at the center of their couch, surrounded on each side by the sound of bickering children his mind was clearly elsewhere. Holding on to that old phone covered in scratches, he seemed completely oblivious to the children reaching over his legs in an attempt to yank at each other’s clothes. Such obliviousness, however, could not obfuscate the keen look in his eyes as they locked on the blank screen in front of him. That guy… despite his insistence that Yoo Joonghyuk grounded himself in their time, he was seemingly content to wander away to the thoughts of future rounds on his own.
Yoo Joonghyuk had felt himself frown, and had half a mind to snap him from his trance when another voice suddenly cut through the silence first.
- Say, ahjussi. Could it be…are you ugly because of a skill?
Lee Jihye spit out. The frown in her face and hand resting over her chin suggesting an observation born from deep thought. The eyes of the company members all darted to her seat, as her words settled in. Kim Dokja was the first to react, the focused look in his eyes vanishing as mild annoyance came over him instead.
- Like I said, I’m not ugly…? - Kim Dokja muttered, putting down his phone as he straightened himself into the couch.
Lee Gilyoung and Shin Yoosoung were also quick to leap forward, argument forgotten in the face of the insult.
- Ahjussi isn’t ugly!
- Don’t insult Hyung!
Their cries echoed in unison, as they glared in Lee Jihye’s direction. She raised her arms defensively, opening her mouth to speak when someone else cut in.
- Ah? Dokja-ssi, could it be? Were you hiding such a skill? - Jung Heewon perked up from her spot in a corner.
She had a mischievous grin on her face when she turned to Kim Dokja, fake surprise in her tone. More people broke into half contained smiles at that, as her target resigned to lean back into his seat sighing out loud as he did. Perhaps Kim Dokja hoped that a visible lack of a reaction would allow the topic to fall flat, Yoo Joonghyuk thought. But the company seemed to want otherwise.
- This idiot doesn’t need a skill for that. - Han Sooyoung snickered, poking his head as she stood up behind Kim Dokja’s seat. - It’s a natural talent. His only talent, to be precise.
- Dokja-ssi has many talents. - Yoo Sangah interjected as she smiled politely. Though the playful look in her eyes evidenced that she didn’t think to dispute his ugliness.
Kim Dokja seemed to notice this as well, because a hint of shock filled his eyes as he turned to her.
- Sangha-sii, you…
- Hyung, you shouldn’t listen! You have other strong points besides your face! - Lee Gilyoung cut through desperately before realizing what he’d said. - I…I mean, your face, it is…
- …It’s alright, Gilyoung-ah. - Kim Dokja said in a defeated tone, patting Lee Gilyoung’s head as he scrambled to apologize.
That act of betrayal was apparently the last hit to Kim Dokja’s wall of indifference, and to the company members' reservations. Suddenly, they all seemed happy to tackle the topic head-on, much to Kim Dokja’s dismay.
Yoo Joonghyuk was sitting on the couch, opposite in side to Kim Dokja’s seat, and thus had the front rows to his discontentment as the party members took turns in voicing their thoughts. He didn’t see the point in joining them - the mysteries of Kim Dokja’s unremarkableness were very distant from his main concerns. Still, that did not stop him from listening in, slightly adjusting his position so he could get a better look at Kim Dokja’s growing grimace as his companions chimed in.
- I don’t think Dokja-ssi is ugly… - Lee Hyunsung said reverently, as a bashful smile crossed his face. Kim Dokja seemed a little touched until he added. - Though handsome is a little….
- Ugly might be a stretch, but don’t you think his face is annoying somehow? - Jung Heewon pondered by his side. - Like it’s due for a kick.
- How is my face annoying? - Kim Dokja mumbled, head in his hands.
Shin Yoosoung was by his side again, and at that raised her arms to pat his shoulder awkwardly.
- Well, not kick it but…Ah, well. It does seem a little out of place? - Lee Hyunsung conceded timidly.
As obnoxious laughter resonated into the room once more, Yoo Joonghyuk’s expression betrayed the slightest hint of interest as he pondered over the phrasing.
Out of place.
Although he could not find in himself to describe Kim Dokja as anything but plain average, something about those words felt like a hint. Not good looking enough to warrant a second look; yet not as ugly as to be repulsive. A conjunct of parts that, alone, could have been made into a face somewhat pleasant. But as it was, the individual pieces that came together to paint a picture of Kim Dokja’s face just didn’t quite seem to click.
Up until now he had thought it to be another unfortunate element in a long thread of grievances that made up the arrogant man sitting by his side. Yet as he turned to directly stare at him once more, he could not quite shake the feeling that there might be something more to it.
A skill, she’d said…
“Even a broken clock is right twice a day”
The thought crossed Yoo Joonghyuk’s mind as he mulled over Lee Jihye’s early assumption again. A skill that alters the perception of one’s face. If it’s Kim Dokja, then it would not be unthinkable… After all, even Sage’s eye seemed to fail him when it came to that man’s protective skills. Perhaps the secret to the inconsistent reading of Kim Dokja’s appearances were not on his face, but on the “wall” that enclosed him.
Yoo Joonghyuk unconsciously tightened the grip on his sword. Somehow, the idea annoyed him.
As he thought back to the dozen different occasions where Kim Dokja’s elusive skills and unidentifiable statuses had been the definitive point between victory and death, Yoo Joonghyuk could admit it. The protective abilities of the wall that had found its way into Kim Dokja’s life certainly had its value.
And yet… That that very same wall might be responsible for that man’s inability to stay within reach…. To always run straight into his death. Always uncaring for the wounds and companions alike left behind in his next scheme…
That he could not tolerate.
CRICKK…!
The abrupt sound of a sword scraping against its sheath as it was roughly put away echoed in the room. The glimpse of a black coat was all the party members could see as Yoo Joonghyuk was suddenly out of his seat.
- Master? What are you…-
But he was on his feet and out the door before most of them could process it. A pair of attentive black eyes studied him as he did, though Yoo Joonghyuk blatantly ignored him.
- I have no use for this discussion. - is all he could bother with before disappearing into the hallways of the Industrial Complex.
The sound of their confusion accompanied his ears as he stormed off but Yoo Joonghyuk ignored them too. For better or for worse, his companions knew better than to question his mood swings. And by then, they had learned not to mind it either way.
Surely a few words at his expense uttered by a certain fool would be enough to make them forget all about it. Perhaps even picking back up at the matter of that same idiot’s face and his elusive ugliness as if nothing had happened.
The vision of Kim Dokja’s wicked grinning face flashed into his mind.
“Fool.”
The same grim, yet faded and bloody as he scattered in front of his eyes and turned to dust over his hands…
Yoo Joonghyuk clenched his fists a little harder as the cold night air hit against his skin. It did nothing to calm his swerveling thoughts of deaths and sacrifices as he stepped out of the complex but he kept going anyway. Lucky he could trust his body to walk him to the usual training place even if his head was not all there. A 1000 swings of a sword that weighted heavy in his hands could hopefully null the pulsing anger in his mind.
Although it pained him to think straight and not grab that fool right then and there, Yoo Joonghyuk had still walked away resolutely. He might want to kill him, but he did not want Kim Dokja dead. That was actually the center of the issue.
Losing him was an inevitability. Try as he might, he couldn't keep him close. Warm and still under his hands and against his skin. Laughing freely in his arms instead of the dull smile of a man about to walk into his own end. In a way, the idea of Kim Dokja choosing to stand by him seemed just out of reach as his own promise to see this journey to an end. A hope so impossible, yet one he could not give up on.
Sighing deeply into the shadows Yoo Joonghyuk was slow to raise the Black Heavenly Demon Sword into the air. He could not end this journey tonight, but he could at least take one - or a thousand - steps forward in some other way. As he stiffened his body into position and prepared to strike, he forced his own doubt into place as well.
In a second, the muscles in his arms contracted before moving down violently into a single, perfect swing. He adjusted his feet against the ground as he prepared to move again, repeating the motion meticulously until nothing else mattered but the weight in his hands and the tip of his sword cutting through the air. Three. Four. Five. Each cut was a jab against chance. Against the fate of a thousand lives and the hope that he would see it to an end.
As the dozens turned into hundreds Yoo Joonghyuk gradually relaxed. It was well into the 666th swing before his thoughts began to settle down but he would take it. No one knew better than him, the things that could be taken away with time. Lovers, friends and enemies alike had all faded before his eyes because of a clock he could not stop. Fading - like the face of a man he couldn’t help to seek.
Even now, his mind insisted on wandering: back to him, and to that hope. Yet, like his own doubt before, Yoo Joonghyuk reigned it in. He inhaled deeply, raising his arms for what should have been the 999th time. He could do it.
Not today. Not tomorrow. But eventually…One day. He had to believe it.
He swung again.
…………………………………………
It was well into the night when he made his way back into the outskirts of the Industrial Complex. Although there was never a time where the entirety of the Company and its other habitants were asleep all at once, it was quiet nevertheless. He could hear some set of footsteps echoing here and there, but whoever it was, knew better than to bother him.
Or so he thought.
As he made his way inside, his feet automatically led him to a particular balcony above ground floor. He had half a mind to go over a few predicaments for tomorrow’s scenario, when a certain man fell into view instead.
- What are you doing here? - He demanded, not entirely devoid of surprise.
Kim Dokja was standing by the balcony. His arms rested against the metal railing as he mindlessly scrolled down on a blank screen. Though he did not move to acknowledge him, Yoo Joonghyuk knew better than to repeat himself.
- Kim Dokja. - he warned instead.
- You bastard... - Kim Dokja sighed, a hint of exasperation in his tone as he leaned his back against the metal railing. - What do you mean ‘what am I doing here?’ Perhaps you’ve forgotten that this is my Complex, after all?
- You knew I’d be here. - Yoo Joonghyuk accused, as he bit back the wish to argue that it was also his complex.
He knew better than to let Kim Dokja waltz his way into directing conversation. So he chose to glare at him from where he stood instead. A sign that he would not back down on the unanswered question.
In an act that was characteristic in its arrogance, Kim Dokja simply stared back in return. His face was slightly turned to the side, vaguely annoyed and decidedly unimpressed - looking at him as if he was a particularly stubborn looking fish.
- I’m not allowed in your secret place? - Was what he retorted with. That all knowing grim curved in a mocking expression threatened to pop a vein in Yoo Joonghyuk’s temple.
Yet he did not miss the implications of those words.
- What nonsense are you saying?
- Even you have a place where you come to be alone. - Kim Dokja said as if it was obvious. - I’ve seen you linger here before. Was I wrong to assume this might be your hiding spot? - his voice sounded casual but the attentive look in his eyes told a different story.
This man… When did he find the time to memorize such useless information? Or was that another one of his so-called “prophecies”? Either way, as much was obvious; Kim Dokja had come here to find him. Even if that fool had to dance around carefully crafted lies and mockery to hide as much.
- We are not alone. - Is what he said instead, eyeing the stars above them.
A few of them shone a little brighter in the night sky, though another was standing a few steps from him. Somehow they both felt equally out of reach.
- Why did you come? - Yoo Joonghyuk pushed again, a hint of exhaustion caught in his tone.
With the direction in his thoughts today having already felt like a lost battle, he found he didn’t have it in him to rile up for another fight. If Kim Dokja had come looking for a nerve to get under, he should make it quick.
- Well, earlier, you… - he trailed off before pausing.
Flashes of his abrupt leave came to mind as Kim Dokja eyed him expectantly. A half-hearted request resting on the tip of his tongue. And there was another one of this man’s infuriating habits. So ready to talk of useless things but always unable to say what he meant.
“Does this fool think apologies are in order?” Yoo Joonghyuk seethed in place as he considered turning back right then and there.
But when he turned his face to glare in his direction, it was not the usual stubborn rebuttal that he found in Kim Dokja’s face. Through the quietness that sat between them and the slight furrow of his brow, a certain air of softness seemed to sweep over Kim Dokja’s face. He looked almost…concerned.
The sudden bolt of anger died in its tracks when a warm feeling hesitantly dared to creep up instead.
“If not grievances, then…?”
The image of Kim Dokja waiting on the railings suddenly came to mind.
… That restless man had waited the night away solely on the hypothesis that he might return there. It was an impossible thought. A hope he should not entertain… And yet…
- Kim Dokja. - He stepped closer. - You…
- That’s right, Joonghyuk-ah. - that insufferable smile crossed his lips. - Did you finally realize? You should report to the head of your Company if you’re going on leave.
“Ah.”
Yoo Joonghyuk felt the unmistakable pop of a vein in his stone clenched fists. The warm feeling in his chest dropped to contempt once again as the cold reality settled in.
Of course. It could never be simple when it came to that guy. Was he dense enough as not to recognise his own concern or did he actively choose to sour the mood they had tentatively sowed?
It didn’t matter which. If that was how he was going to be, then it would be fitting to entertain this facade accordingly. Since he had brought up earlier, then…
- Did you come to ask of your face? - Yoo Joonghyuk said in a tone of conviction, seemingly blind to the previous offense.
- I - What? - Kim Dokja sputtered.
Undeniable confusion flashed through his eyes as they widened to stare at him. Good. Yoo Joonghyuk locked eyes on him, too - satisfied by the visible reaction.
For a man so used to speaking in traps and mockery, he was certainly quick to take on the bait himself.
- I left before I could speak my thoughts. - He made a point to keep his eyes on him, watching the gears behind Kim Dokja’s head turn as he continued. - Did you want me to assess it as well?
- I…Assess it?
- It is unremarkable. - He said resolutely.
He folded his arms with confidence as Kim Dokja gaped in front of him. His subtle frown had quickly contorted into a grimace that showed he was about to protest. But Yoo Joonghyuk was faster, marching to tower over him - stopping short of their chests colliding - just as his mouth opened.
- I’m sorry to disappoint, but…!. - Kim Dokja sighed though he faltered at the sudden proximity. - This is obviously not why-
- The details don’t really come together. Your skin is too pale and your mouth too wide.
- Bastard, really-
- Not to mention the length of your nose. It clashes with how small your eyes are.
- Aren’t you going a bit too far? As I’ve said, this is not why-
- And there is also - Yoo Joonghyuk hesitated the slightest before raising his hand to stand a few centimeters above his cheek. Close, but not touching.
- The matter with your skill.
- … - Kim Dokja froze; words dying in his tongue as his eyes quickly darted from the hand hovering over his skin to Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes once again.
Neither of them spoke. It was by anchoring his thoughts on the thousand swings of the hours before that Yoo Joonghyuk kept his face impassive - the roaring of his throbbing heart threatening to make him crack. Instead he kept his eyes on him. Kim Dokja looked up as well, searching.
One, two, three…
- My skill…? - He spoke at last, turning from Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes as he stared at the space under his chin. - I don’t see…
- My Sage’s eye cannot look over your ‘wall’. - Yoo Joonghyuk forced his voice out again, ignoring how choked it sounded in his ears. - So if that is why you came…
- … - Kim Dokja hesitated.
“Don’t run away.” He wanted to say.
“Let me know.” The thoughts ached in his mind.
“Tell me you care.”
“Tell me you too…”
But it’d been one too many lifetimes ago since words like those had turned to ash under his tongue. So instead, he moved. A slow sweep to the side as the skin on his hand rested against Kim Dokja’s face.
The warmth that crept up under his hand felt like the hope that bubbled inside his chest. Soft and tentative but certainly on the verge of extinguishment. It had to be, Yoo Joonghyuk reasoned, even as he stubbornly searched up for something; anything inside Kim Dokja’s eyes that told him he might want this as well.
Kim Dokja searched him, too. Careful and hesitant, reading through his eyes as if trying to make sense of him. Taking in the man in front of him as if he was a bundle of sentences that weren’t all that well put together. Eventually his lips parted just the slightest.
“There it is.” Yoo Joonghyuk cursed inwardly as he anticipated the protest that would push his hand away from him.
But instead there was a sigh.
- Is it so wrong…- Kim Dokja muttered as he closed his eyes, tilting his head just enough so that it pressed against his hand. - …For the head of a company to be concerned about an employee?
Yoo Joonghyuk blinked. His muscles unintentionally relaxing as the leaded knot-like feeling that weighed on his heart came loose all at once. His eyes still fixed on the impossible existence in front of him - on the insufferable man that once again embodied a thousand feelings he had thought forsaken. The hope that moved him forward and pulled him down all at once combined to bring this scene into place. Kim Dokja’s cheek grew warmer under him yet he did not speak.
- …Really, Yoo Joonghyuk…You- Kim Dokja tried again, tensing slightly under the lack of response.
He rambled on, clearly set on coaxing a response but Yoo Joonghyuk found he didn’t have one. Not when he could see the faint tone of red that crept over the skin pressed between his fingers. Not when he looked like this: real and tentative as he searched for an answer in him. Certainly trying to read the words Yoo Joongyuk thought were surely written all over his face.
But for a man known for his light steps and evasive nature, Kim Dokja was never one to read into subtleties. Not properly, anyway. Maybe there were better words to convey this - words that could get through that wall that stood between them and over the face that locked eyes into him. But Yoo Joonghyuk was tired of futures that he couldn’t reach. And instead, he opted for the one that felt within reach:
- Kim Dokja. - Was all he could say before raising his other hand to cradle the rest of his face. Firm, but not unkind.
Kim Dokja’s eyes widened as the words died halfway through his tongue. Yoo Joonghyuk felt a wave of satisfaction that a single phrase was enough to disarm him tonight.
It was by no means the first time his eyes had locked on him before but yet it felt so anyhow. Was it the glimmer that seemed to sparkle in Kim Dokja’s eyes just now? Or the increased proximity as their bodies slowly came to step deeper into each other’s spaces? Or was it…
… That it felt like it was the first time he was truly being seen?
- Yoo Joonghyuk… - Kim Dokja gasped, as his own hands moved hesitantly to hold onto his arms. Perhaps he had been looking for a sign, as well.
- Kim Dokja. - He muttered, low and deliberate as the words slipped from under his lips. It felt comfortable. - Kim Dokja. - it felt right.
His hands moved to their own accord as a dangerous greed hungered inside him. Tracing the shapes of Kim Dokja’s face. His thumbs brushing the arch of his nose; his fingers reaching to touch the skin under his ears. His whole face was hot and slightly reddened now, all the way to the tip of his ears. Yoo Joonghyuk took in that sight too. Even through the layers of uncertainty the man in front of him felt very much real. Yoo Joonghyuk felt the corners of his lip rise involuntarily.
- Bastard…Is this about my face again? - Kim Dokja laughed weakly, the muscles of his jaw moving under Yoo Joonghyuk’s hands. He lowered his eyes to said mouth and Kim Dokja’s gaze followed him. - …What is it with everyone today…?
- Quiet. - He scolded softly as he stared at the lips that puffed with no real bite.
There was nothing special about them. A dull red-ish tone and a surprising lack of chippedness. Had she been right about the moisturizing skill…?
- …Don’t frown at another person’s fac-Hm!
“It’s an unexpected way to shush him.” He thought approvingly as he placed his right thumb over Kim Dokja’s lower lip.
- Yhm Jungh-!! - The hand on Yoo Joonghyuk’s bicep dug into his coat in protest.
Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t bother with an answer this time - knowing Kim Dokja was yet to actually move away. He chose to press down on his lips instead - drunk on the satisfaction that he could. That some of the distance between them could be crossed, if only for a moment. His finger came slightly wet at the touch.
He gulped. Feeling Kim Dokja do the same throughout the hold of his left hand.
…It seems there were some advantages to the censure, after all. This was a dangerous direction. And perhaps not a distance to be crossed just then.
Kim Dokja seemed to think so as well because something shifted in his eyes - like the shadow of a wall that enclosed around him. Yoo Joonghyuk sighed internally as he prepared to step back, but Kim Dokja acted faster.
He bit him.
- Kim Dokja!
- Ouch!
They yelled out simultaneously, flinching inwards as righteous anger and pain swept over them both respectively. This, though, proved a miscalculation.
THUNK!
- Fuck! - Kim Dokja yelped, as his forehead collided painfully straight into Yoo Joonghyuk’s chin. - Damn, sunfish! How are you this hard?
- Kim Dokja…! - Yoo Joonghyuk grunted, more angry at the betrayal than any semblance of pain he might have felt at the attacks. - Have you lost your mind?!
- I lost my mind? I’m not the one trapping people’s faces like some sort of parasite, though?
- No - Yoo Joonghyuk growled, the layers of affection slowly melting away as the absurdity sank in - You are the unrivaled fool, acting like a rabid dog instead.
- That’s…! - He had the nerve to look taken back. - …I’m the one who’s most injured, anyway. You felt like a rock. - He accused.
- And you look like a child. - Yoo Joonghyuk spit back, trying for the second time that day to keep himself from strangling him into silence.
- You Jerk. You were the one who stormed out in a tantrum. - Kim Dokja striked, his face taking on a satisfied gleam when he saw the unease in Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes. - If you’re this upset, it’s better to talk it out, isn’t it? As adults.
…
- As the head of this company, I am willing to lend you a shoulder. The thing that’s been troubling you, it’s obvious, you know?
Was it…?
- Kim Dokja, you…
- The development with Lee Seolhwa. - He smiled expectantly. - You’ve had trouble with making your move, didn’t you? But I’m sure we can figure it ou- ARGH!!
He strangled him after all.
………………………………………………..
They kept at it for about 5 minutes before the sudden wave of delayed rewards snapped them out of the fight. It was like the dokkaebi to know to mute the constellations just long enough to preserve what had surely been an intense spectacle.
Yoo Joonghyuk had unceremoniously dropped him then. Walking off before he could personally lay Kim Dokja to rest for a second time.
The ways of which one person could be the object of both tenderness and exacerbation simultaneously continued to escape him; even when the hard evidence had dared to lecture him on “civility”. Despite being the fool to not hesitate to bite him in what Yoo Joonghyuk was bitter to describe as “shyness”.
But that was the way with Kim Dokja. One step into truthness only to slip back into a dozen other facades. An arrogant fool. The man that he loved. It seemed paradoxical that they could both coexist into one person.
Still he had felt it. Beneath the mask and the fog and behind the impossible wall that continued to enclose him. Yoo Joonghyuk was sure of the fact that such a man existed there. A man he couldn’t quite grasp, but that was not entirely out of reach. A man that one day, might reach out from his side as well.
When he made it back to the training area, the dawn had begun to rise in the distant horizon. Warm sun rays shone onto his skin, as he took in the sight. His sword dragging against the ground as he prepared to strike for a thousand times.