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Noelle is lying on her bed.
She's trying to sleep, trying to will both her body and mind to simply just shut off and let her rest but she doesn't appear she can manage it.
She can't fall into the comforting arms of sleep with these thoughts weighing on her mind.
She's exhausted, she wants to drift off but she just can't.
She's spent the last several hours lying in bed and just staring up at the darkness of her ceiling.
She's tired, her mind is tired, her body is tired, but she can't rest no matter how much she wills it.
Noelle's palms cover her eyes and she lets out a frustrated wail.
And then she's gotten out of bed before she's even realized it.
Mindlessly she paces around her room, the hands rubbing at her eyes and growling through her teeth in frustration.
There's no point sitting her stewing all night, Noelle decides.
She might as well go and check on him.
He's the cause of her inner turmoil anyways.
As silently as she can manage, Noelle pulls her bedroom door open, peeking out like a worried mouse as though she expects someone to be standing guard to try and corral her back inside.
Upon finding no one waiting for her she slips into the hallway, bare feet echoing against the cool stone floor as she weaves her way through the maze that is the Black Bulls base.
Eventually she manages to find Asta's door.
It's not far from Captain Yami's and Finral's and she had expected as much, after all if something went wrong in the middle of the night the two wanted to be close by.
Shaking her head Noelle reaches for the doorknob before hesitating.
She feels rather silly.
Like a frightened child seeking the attention of her parents after a nightmare.
But what else is she to do?
Simply lie in her room with the false promise of sleep and let her thoughts contort into something awful?
No, this is the better option.
She pushes the door open.
Inside Asta is asleep on his bed.
He looks no better than the last time she had seen him.
Pale and weak, chest rattling with each breath he tasks and marred with bandages and gauze.
Leave it to Asta to get himself hurt on a mission again.
This time had been worse than the others.
A sharp spell of shadow had impaled the boy, cutting into his lung and leaving him gasping for breath.
Noelle had been with him when he got hit.
She had held him and tried to slow his bleeding, had listened to his wheezing breaths and the sound of him choking on his own blood.
And she held him when his breathing stopped.
She closes her eyes against the memories.
Asta had never been so hurt that he'd stopped breathing before and when Noelle realized what had been happening it felt as though time had stopped.
She couldn't hear the sound of the ongoing battle that had been raging all around her, she couldn't hear much of anything beyond a ringing in her ears.
At that moment she had thought that Asta was gone and never coming back.
And god had it made her feel so empty.
The cold feeling of nothingness that had settled in her chest was so abstract and foreign she could not find the proper words to describe it.
It had constricted her chest, stole her own breath and brought her heart crashing into the very pits of her stomach.
Noelle doesn't remember much of what happened after that.
One moment she had been holding the body of her best friend and the next she woke up safe and sound in her bed.
At first she had wanted to believe that all of it had simply been a bad dream.
But she had been fooling herself and she knew that.
There was simply no way her mind had conjured the feeling of Asta's blood on her hands.
…
The others had assured her that they had managed to restart Asta's breathing and that he was on the path of recovery but that had done little to soothe her aching heart.
The only thing that had brought her some sense of relief was when her team had allowed her to see him.
It was far from the first time Noelle had seen Asta unconscious in bed and recovering from an injury, but for some reason this time felt different.
And she cried.
Cried by his bedside for hours, simply held his hand and wept.
She wasn't even entirely sure what she was crying for.
Grief at having thought she lost him, relief at seeing he would be okay, guilt of her own inability to do anything, all of that and so much more? She didn't know and at the time it hadn't mattered.
Eventually Finral and Vanessa had sent her off to bed with the assertion that she needed rest, and we'll they hadn't been wrong, Noelle was unsuccessful in her endeavor.
Leading to where she is now.
Looking at Asta, small and weak on that same bed.
It always felt wrong when he got hurt.
Asta was loud and boisterous, he wasn't meant to be reduced to something looking small and fragile, it wasn't natural.
She grimaces to herself and makes her way over to his side.
She sighs as she slips into a chair at his bedside, unconsciously reaching out for his hand and holding it tightly in her own.
"You need to stop doing this."
Her voice sounds loud in the darkness of night.
"You need to stop getting yourself hurt."
Asta is silent aside from his chest which still rattles with each breath.
"You're not always going to be getting this lucky you know," she continues, "one of these days you're going to get yourself killed."
The thought makes her eyes water and she bites at her lip to prevent the tears from spilling over.
"I-I don't want that," she leans against his bed and holds his hand close to her forehead, "I don't want to lose you Asta."
She doesn't want to cry, she's done enough crying for now and it doesn't help anyone.
"I'm only going to say this once you little insect," there's no heat to her words, in fact her voice sounds shaky and wet, "you're special and we can't afford to lose you."
She closes her eyes as a few stray tears begin to run down her face.
"I can't afford to lose you."
Asta is sleeping as peacefully as someone can in his situation, blissfully unaware of his friend's distress.
"Please don't go anywhere."
xXx
"Look who's out of bed!" Magna smiles brightly from where he sits in the dining hall, "glad to see you're feeling better little Rasta!"
"Thanks Magna," Asta offers a sheepish smile, "I don't even wanna know how long I was out this time."
"Too long," Noelle mutters as she eats, "you need to stop taking such serious hits in battle."
"She's right," Finral sighs, "seriously Asta we are not always going to be able to save you."
"I know that," Asta tells him with a determined gleam in his eyes, "that's why I just have to get even stronger!"
"Kinda hard to get stronger if you're dead." Noelle can't help but glare at him.
"I don't plan on dying anytime soon!"
That makes Noelle feel frustrated.
Obviously she knows that Asta wasn't intentionally trying to get himself killed, but that doesn't change the fact that he had almost died multiple times over now.
"You have no sense of self preservation," Noelle utters, "you're never going to become the Wizard King the way you are now."
She can't help it.
She's too upset right now.
She's too angry.
She gets up and leaves.
xXx
"You're never going to become the Wizard King the way you are now."
Oh.
Well that hurt.
Asta watches after Noelle as the water mage gets up and storms off.
He's confused.
He doesn't know what he did wrong but clearly he had to have done something to really upset her.
But man did that comment sting.
He knows Noelle has never had the most faith in his dream and usually liked to poke fun at it but she's never said anything…cruel about it before.
She's certainly never outright told him with sincerity that he couldn't do it before.
He's not really sure what he's supposed to do, he ends up just watching the spot where Noelle had been as he tries to think back to what he could have done to make Noelle lose faith in him.
He must have been looking like a kicked puppy because it isn't long before Finral pipes up.
"Just give her some space," he tells him with a strained smile on his face, "she's just a bit upset right now is all…she didn't mean it."
Asta blinks slowly at him.
"Did I do something wrong?" He finds himself asking, "I can't…I don't remember doing anything that could have upset her."
"You can't be serious."
"What?" Asta says in concern, wondering if it really were possible for him to have missed something so crucial.
"Honey," Vanessa calls gently garnering his attention, "she's upset because you got yourself hurt again."
"But I-" Asta starts finding the words evading him, "I didn't mean to."
"I know sweetheart," the thread mage smiles softly at him, "and Noelle knows that too…she's just…upset."
"How do I make it better?"
"Give her space," Finral says again, "trust me Asta, anything you say right now is just gonna piss her off more."
"But…she's upset."
"She'll cool down and when she does you two can sit down and talk, okay?"
Asta does not like that idea.
He doesn't like the thought of leaving Noelle alone to mull over her angry thoughts. He wants to talk to her now, he wants to fix this now.
But his squadmates are insistent that the right thing for him to do right now is leave her alone for a while.
…
Maybe they're right?
Maybe the best thing to do for now was to leave Noelle be and let her come to him when she's ready.
He doesn't like the idea.
But for her sake…he will do his best to leave well enough alone.
xXx
Asta is avoiding her.
Everytime the two bump into each other now he quickly puts his head down and makes up some lame excuse to leave before scurrying off.
She hates it.
It makes that empty feeling in her gut stir once more, this time accompanied by a heaping helping of guilt.
She hadn't really meant to snap at him after he had woken up but as far as she was concerned her feelings were valid.
But seeing Asta look so hurt every time he looks at her makes her feel sick.
Maybe she had taken things too far with that comment about his dream.
She hadn't even thought about it at the time, hadn't expected him to dwell on it, let alone hurt him.
And now he's avoiding her like the plauge.
Had she ruined their relationship beyond the point of repair?
The thought makes that empty feeling grow and she forces herself to think against it.
There's no way Asta would cut her out like that.
He just needed some space, that was all.
And Noelle was trying her best to give it to him, she really was but the way he would exit a room the moment she entered was really starting to bother her.
Things come to a head late one night, roughly about a week after all of this started in the first place.
She had been downstairs, unable to sleep again, and trying to lull her body into submission by making some tea.
She's currently sitting curled up on Yami's chair with a warm mug in her hands. She hadn't been expecting anyone else to be awake at this hour, least of all him.
Asta had stepped into the common room looking disheveled and tired, hair a mess and dark bags under his eyes.
As soon as he sees her he freezes.
"Oh sorry," he says too quickly, "I didn't know you were here, I'll go."
"Asta."
Her voice sounds firm and serious, it makes him stop dead in his tracks.
"What the hell is going on with you?"
Maybe that wasn't the best way to broach the topic, but she's tired and she's frustrated.
She just wants answers.
Asta, still stiff and frozen, hesitantly turns around to face her.
"What do you mean?"
"Do give him that." She places her mug down on the coffee table with a bit more force than necessary and rises to her feet, "you know exactly what I mean."
"Uh," Asta hesitates, "I really don't."
"This!" She waves her hand between the two of them, "This avoidance thing you've got going on! The shyness, the awkwardness, what the hell is all that about!"
Asta is looking at her in confusion.
"I don't understand."
"Why are you avoiding me?!" She asks him plainly, "Is it because of what I said? About you becoming the Wizard King? I didn't mean that I was just-"
"Upset I know," Asta cuts her off, his voice sounds sad, "that's why I've been avoiding you…Finral said you needed space."
Noelle feels bewildered, "what?"
"I know I upset you," the anti-mage fiddles with his hands, "and I wanted to make it better but Finral and Vanessa told me to let you come to me first ya know? Give you some time to yourself or something like that."
"This entire time…you were just doing what they told you to do?"
Asta chews at his lip nervously and nods.
"You're an idiot."
"I-what?" Asta somehow manages to look even more confused, "is that not what you wanted?"
"No!" She shouts, "this entire time I thought you were mad at me!"
"Mad at you?" Asta starts, "why would I be mad at you, you didn't do anything wrong?"
"That's not true," she mutters and wraps her arms around herself, "I took things too far when I made that comment about your dream…I'm sorry for that."
…
"Thank you Noelle," Asta smiles softly at her, "I…that means a lot to me…I forgive you."
"I didn't mean it, I was just so-so frustrated! You keep getting yourself hurt like that over and over! I'm scared you won't be able to reach your dream if you continue being so reckless with your life."
"I-I know and I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry just don't let it happen again!"
Asta rubs at his shoulder and breaks eye contact from her.
"I don't think I can."
"You can't promise to not to get yourself killed?" Noelle gaps, "Asta that's the bare minimum!"
"To everyone else it is," he still doesn't look at her, "but everyone else has magic and more adapt ways of defending themselves…I don't."
Noelle stays silent for a moment.
"I have to rely on my speed and defense alone, I can't bolster them with reinforcement magic or fast movement the way you guys can…it's a lot easier for me to make a fatal mistake."
He finally looks at her again and she finds herself surprised to find his eyes pleading with her, as if willing her to understand.
"I'm trying my best Noelle, I really am but sometimes my best just isn't good enough."
"Then let me help you."
The words leave her before she had time to even think them through.
"What?"
"You're right, you are a lot more vulnerable on the field then the rest of us but it doesn't have to be that way," she takes a step forward and grabs at his hand, "right now you're doing the best you can on your own, but we're a team! Let me help you and fill in the gaps when you need it."
"How exactly do you plan on doing that?" Asta asks genuinely with a tilt of his head, "it's not like I'll always have time to ask for help in the middle of a fight."
Noelle pauses, her gaze falling down on their intertwined hands and she thinks.
"Teach me how to read ki."
Asta blinks in surprise.
"Huh?- I mean sure of course, but how does this relate to what we were just talking about?"
"If I can read your ki then I'll be able to sense when you're struggling," she squeezes his hand, "and if that's the case then I can use my own magic to reinforce your defense at the very least."
Asta watches her for a moment.
And then his face splits into a brilliant grin.
"That's not a bad idea!"
He squeezes her hand.
"You'd really do that for me?"
"Of course I would," Noelle smiles softly, "you're my friend and I want to see you succeed, I want to see you become the Wizard King…I don't ever want to see you hurt like that again."
…
"I'm sorry Noelle…that must have been scary."
She shakes her head, "let's just find a way to fix it, if we work together then maybe it won't happen again."
He nods his head slowly.
"Okay…we can try."
Noelle sighs in what he thinks is relief.
"That's all I can ask for you."
Asta is still smiling, it becomes softer though as he looks down at their hands again, and before she knows it she's being tugged along through the hallway.
"Come on," his voice low and quiet, "I'll walk you to your room."
She chuckles softly to herself.
"I don't exactly need an escort, you know?"
"Yeah I know," he squeezes her hand once more, "but it's not as lonely this way."
Noelle feels her heart flip and her face redden.
"I suppose that is true…very well I will allow you to accompany me."
They stay silent as Asta gently guides her back to her room. It's different from the silence before, the empty kind that ate away from her…this is…a nice kind of silence…one that makes her feel content.
Once they reach her door Noelle finds herself not wanting to part with her companion as he bids her farewell.
She watches him turn his back to her and begin to make his own way back to his room before calling out to him.
"Asta."
He looks over his shoulder at her with an intrigued hum.
"Whatever happens from this point out…we face it as a team…alright?"
That same soft and wonderful smile slips back into his face.
"Right."
Noelle is content with that.
And she is empty no longer.