Work Text:
Drowning, drowning, Jordie's face, and then Inej's, and then something was in his mouth, and then Inej's face became Tolya's. Kaz sat up, spluttering and gasping for breath, something was down his throat, some kind of antidote, he assumed.
Tolya crawled over to the the door again, and Kaz looked around the room.
The mist had gathered above Jesper's. In a strange sort of projection, the mist took shape, like a moving painting, and Kaz could see Jesper hugging an older Zemeni woman, crying. He couldn't hear what Jesper was saying, but he could see his mouth forming words. Then Tolya was over Jesper, shoving something in mouth.
Inej.
Kaz, still gasping for breath, turned to see Inej on her back, the mist above her head taking the form of...
Him. And her. And they were standing close, so close.
Kaz tuned out the sound of Jesper's coughing. The mist-him was taking out Inej's knives, taking off his gloves.
Taking off his gloves.
And it was happening very quickly, faster than real time, and Kaz saw himself grab Inej's waist and pull her to his chest. And then his hand was at her face and he was leaning down but she was pulling away, leaning back, and she said something quickly, and so did he, and then he was leaning down again and Inej was leaning back, trying to get away from him, and the picture was moving so fast, and then Kaz, Kaz himself, not the thing of mist, was crawling to Inej and shaking her shoulders, saying wake up wake up wake up but it wasn't helping, Inej's eyes rolled back in her head, and the mist kept swirling around her. Kaz waved his hands through it, but the mist re-formed, and the scene started again, Kaz, taking her knives from her, and again, Kaz, taking her knives from her.
"Tolya!"
Jesper and Tolya turned to face him, Tolya started crawling over with something in his hand. For a moment, they both froze as well, transfixed by the sight, the strange loop of mist-Kaz taking mist-Inej's knives from her, of Kaz pulling her to his chest, leaning down, of Inej pulling away, Kaz going after her again, again...
"Tolya, Tolya!" but he and Jesper were still frozen, their faces dawning with understanding, then horror, watching mist-Kaz do whatever he was doing to Inej, whatever he was about to do if he didn't stop waving his hand through the mist. His own vision had been awful, terrifying, Inej's must be just as bad, just as--
"Tolya, I'm- It's going to rape her if you don't give me the antidote!" and Kaz knew his voice was high and breaking but he didn't care, he had to save her, save her from himself.
Tolya threw something at him, Kaz didn't even bother to look and see what it was, before he was wrenching Inej's jaw open, forcing it inside, closing her mouth again, chew chew, he said, and she was thrashing in his arms, and he felt like the mist-Kaz now, holding her down, with his hand on her mouth, like he was trying to keep her quiet, like--
He felt tears on the sides of his eyes, and he knew Jesper and Tolya were watching, but he didn't care, and he was shaking Inej, saying wake up wake up I'll let go just wake up. And while he had his hands on her the mist reformed, they were almost at the part again, where she pushed him away, for the second time, he was terrified of what would happened next, what mist-him would do next.
He felt Inej swallow.
Good girl, come on, wake up, wake up Wraith.
But she wasn't, and Kaz waved his hand through the mist again, until it had to reform, and he saw himself pulling her blades out of her vest again.
"Why isn't it working?!"
Tolya and Jesper looked dumbfounded, he could hear Wylan calling through the door, try to wake her up, pinch her or something.
Kaz pinched her Inej's cheek, pinched it again, harder, then her arm, but it wasn't working. The scene was carrying on, mist-Kaz's hand at her face...
Kaz roughly pulled Inej into a sitting position, grabbed the back of her braid, to tilt her chin up, and backhanded her across the face.
The sound was sick, deafening. Jesper gasped.
And then Inej gasped, and her eyes flew open, and she was rolling over Kaz, all instinct, and she had a knife to his throat.
Kaz sank back on his heals, trying to gather some semblance of strength, dignity, he had worked his way out of tougher spots than this.
Had he?
"It was poison, Inej, it wasn't real. I had to hit you because you weren't waking up. It wasn't real, it wasn't real."
"You...you saw? What I..saw?"
And her voice was small, despite her position, the deadly blade to she held to his throat. Jesper and Tolya were looking at the floor.
"We did, Miss Ghafa." Tolya was still looking at the floor. Jesper clambered to his feet, approached Inej like she was a wild animal.
"We all saw, 'nej, it wasn't real. Nothing happened to you when you were under, okay? Except Kaz waking you up. And he made you eat a butterfly."
"A butterfly?" he asked.
"It was the antidote, darling, now why don't you take your knife off of Kaz?"
Inej wrenched herself free sorry, Kaz, sorry and Kaz very hurriedly lowered his arms, wiped his eyes, and when he looked up again Inej was staring at him, her expression unreadable, her cheek red from where he'd hit her, from where he'd hit her and then she was at the door, talking to Wylan.
Kaz got to his feet, ignored Tolya's hand up. They weren't out of the woods yet.
...
Then they were out of the woods. And Jesper and Wylan were kissing, everyone's lost their minds, and Inej was walking by his side, which was shocking, that she'd want to, after everything, and they were back at the inn, and Kaz locked himself in the bathroom and sat down on the floor, hard.
What could it mean?
That was obvious. His...vision, hallucination, had shown his worst fear, or something like that: drowning and disappointing Jordie.
What an open book he was. Tolya wouldn't have been able to tell who Jordie was, what he meant to Kaz. He was safe, he thought, everyone was scared of drowning, or dying. And if his vision was sped up like Inej's, all the scene would have revealed was him under torture. Nothing...personal about that.
Inej's vision, though.
He should have assumed it would have something to do with men, her time at the Menagerie. he would have predicted it would have been a past client, or a group of them, but...
Him. The fact it was him, Kaz.
He might have predicted that as well. Inej trusted him with a lot over the years. He held her indenture, plenty of men, most men, would have done... more, more than what he did.
He told her to rob and beat and kill. He didn't tell her to get in his bed.
To know that was lurking in the back of her mind, the fear he would disarm her, pull her to him, lean down.
It made him want to vomit. And not just because of the thought of his bare hand on her face.
And Tolya and Jesper saw, saw the mist him, so Wylan probably knew at this point, Nina too, that Squallor, all of them, probably, trusting Jesper's mouth to behave how it normally did and talk.
Would they all think of him like that? Would they think it was a memory, or something he'd threatened?
Kaz got to his feet. He needed to talk to her, make clear his intentions. He'd never said what he wouldn't do, explicitly, and maybe he should have.
...
It took Kaz a full three seconds to gather his courage and knock on Inej's door.
"It's me."
The door opened, Inej was down to her shirt and pants, and vest. Her face was clear. He knew she wouldn't have bruised, from just a slap, but he had expected to see it, strangely, to see a mark, some proof.
The knives gleamed. His eyes ran over them for a second longer than they should have. She noticed.
"May I come in?"
It took Inej a second to say yes, and that was long enough for Kaz's brain to turn somersaults. He should have stayed in the hallway. Should have asked to see downstairs, where there would be other people, where she wouldn't have to worry about...
Inej closed the door behind him. Kaz clutched his cane, then had an idea.
"Here, take it." He handed her his cane, sat down at the writing table. Inej was closer to the door, and both windows. Kaz got up again, laid his pistol and throwing knives on the bed, then sat at the table again.
"Why am I holding your cane?" Inej was looking at him and the weapons on the pillows and the crow-headed stick in her hands.
"For...no weapons. Nothing on me. And you have my cane, so."
He put his hands on his knees, so she could see he wasn't pulling a blade from anywhere else.
"Safe. You're safe. You can hold a knife too, I wouldn't mind."
"Kaz, what's this about?"
Inej was blushing, and he felt awful already, but he had written a speech, and he cleared his throat to deliver it.
"We all saw your vision before the butterfly. Me...taking your knives, doing that stuff to you. I never said this, Inej, when I bought your indenture, but I want to be very clear to you that I would never, ever do those kinds of things to you. Or anyone. But certainly not you."
Inej was looking at the floor, cradling his cane. He would have wanted to memorize the image, the look of it in her hands, if the context hadn't been so horrible.
Still not meeting his eyes, she said, "I know. It's okay, Kaz. It wasn't real." She seemed sad, hurt, not...scared, or angry, or what he'd expect.
"Do you...was that not clear? All along? I...I don't know..."
"No Kaz it's very clear you don't want to touch me, I understand, we can move on." Now she sounded hurt and angry, but angry was good, angry meant she still had will, fight.
"Okay. I understand...with everything you've been through, to, to..."
"Kaz just stop talking, stop talking about it, just give me the brief for tomorrow.
And he did. Sitting down, with his hands on his knees, and Inej still holding his cane, possessively, he almost thought, which was strange. He went through everything in the most clipped, cold voice he could, a voice he hoped spelled I'm not interested in grabbing you and throwing you on the bed, I'm certainly not thinking about how warm your face looks in the fire light, I'm certainly able to look away from the way your hands wrap around the handle of my cane. Inej was still looking at the floor, and he knew he was making her uncomfortable, she was blushing still, but he really did have to give her the brief for tomorrow.
When he finished, Kaz stood up, I'm going to put them back on, now and Inej nodded, looking slightly confused, but then he had his pistol and knives ands walked toward her and she handed him the cane, and then Kaz was the door, opening it, but Tolya was there, his hand raised to knock, and he was looking at Kaz with more than a shred of distrust.
Kaz just nodded, walked back to his room. If they lived through this, he'd never try to contact Inej again, never ask her to do another job. He'd pay for her rooms in Ravka himself. Anything that kept her safe, safe from her fears, safe from her fears of him.
...
"Was he bothering you?"
Tolya's face was open, earnest. Inej liked him, his faith, he was a good person to have on the crew. He didn't come in, just stood in the doorway.
"No, just giving me the brief for tomorrow."
Inej folded her arms curtly. This whole ordeal had been mortifying, she just wished everyone would go away. Tolya nodded, looked at her shoes.
"I talked to Nina. We're both happy to sleep in here tonight, if that would make you feel better."
"What?"
"Or just Nina. If you'd prefer just a woman."
Inej's head was spinning. Kaz's weapon ritual had been bizarre, he'd never bothered with all that before, ever, for anyone. She'd never seen him take off his knives. She thought that maybe it had been...that he would have said what he had in the vision, taken off her knives next, but then he'd given her is cane and sat down on the other side of the room.
At best she had had an...almost intimate hallucination about a coworker, former boss. At worst, she'd ruined her friendship with him.
Or maybe all of them, as she had no clue what Tolya was talking about.
"Why would I want you and Nina to sleep in here?"
It was Tolya turn to look confused, embarrassed. "To..." he cut his voice lower, "to keep you safe, protect you."
"I can protect myself."
"I know, I know, but just...today was a lot, we wouldn't blame you for being on edge. Nina and I can take shifts, make sure Kaz doesn't come in, or anything."
"He won't, he's made that perfectly clear."
Inej thought she might keel over from embarrassment. She knew they'd seen what happened, and if they'd heard it as well...it's not as if her dream-Kaz had said, I love you or even I want to fuck you, lay you out, spread you open, a feast for my taking...
it wasn't that embarrassing. And she'd pulled away! Known it wasn't real! Why was everyone making a fuss out of it?
"We know you don't feel safe, with him, we just wanted--"
Inej's head snapped up.
"What?"
"We saw your vision Inej..."
"And?"
Maybe they hadn't seen what she saw, maybe the mist had projected something else, something--
"We saw Kaz...mist-Kaz, of course, but, we saw him disarm you, grab you, try to kiss you, we saw you pull away...we didn't see any more of that, he kept waving his hand through it, trying to stop it, I'm sorry if anything more happened before we woke you up, we couldn't hear what you said, fighting him off, it happened faster than real time, what we were watching, we couldn't tell..."
"It looked like...you mean to tell me you all thought..."
"I believe his words to me were... It's going to rape her if you don't give me the antidote."
Inej sat down on the bed.
"You thought he was forcing himself on me."
"Yes? Wasn't he?"
Inej put her her head in her hands, mind racing, that would explain the weapons earlier, letting Inej be closer to all the exits, what he said I would never, ever do those kinds of things to you. Or anyone. But certainly not you.
Inej looked at Tolya, "That wasn't it, I... the vision was that he, that he wanted me, said he wanted me, and I pulled back because I knew it wasn't real, because he doesn't, because..."
Inej was crying now, Tolya got her handkerchief, sat next to her on the bed, "It wasn't violent, I don't know what you saw, it happened so slowly for me, it was the...the nicest time...I'd been alone with a man...been...held like that...and it wasn't real." Inej stood then, abruptly, "I have to talk to him, I don't want him to think...think I'm scared of him doing that."
And Inej, still holding the handkerchief, was out the door.
....
Kaz could hear Inej crying from down the hall. He wanted to put his hands over his ears, but he made himself listen, even sat next to the door, made himself endure it, see Brekker, this is what happens, this is what happens when you fall for the woman whose indenture you own, this is what happens when you look to hard, too long, you make people uncomfortable, scared.
You make Inej uncomfortable, you make Inej scared.
Footsteps in the hall, a knock at the door, then. He leaned back, opened it, and then Inej was bustling in his room.
She crossed the room and stood at the window, back turned, "Tolya told me. It wasn't like how you saw."
Kaz's heart skipped a beat.
"Inej?"
"It was slow, and nice, and I wanted you to take my knives. And before you pulled me to you you stuck out your hand between us and said May I? and you waited for my response and I said yes."
"Inej."
"And then you held me. Looked in my eyes. Held my face with your hand, no gloves, and you leaned down. And I wanted to kiss you, Kaz, but I knew it wasn't real." And Inej turned to face him then, still weeping, and she took a few steps closer. "I said this isn't real and you said we're here Inej, I want you."
Even though Inej was the one crying, Kaz felt like he was being taunted, somehow the way she was throwing the words at him. He didn't understand where this was going, he was waiting for the ball to drop, for her to tell him he became an animal, a man, something--
"And you leaned in again, and you know what's awful Kaz? I would have kept going, would have kissed this...this mist, this mirage, as long as it held your face." Inej's face dropped its color, her voice became dull, drained, "I know it's pathetic, and you don't feel the same, and I don't want your pity, but please don't be cruel either."
"I...it...Inej, it...we didn't hear, it was very fast, it looked, it looked bad."
"It wasn't. Bad. But then I woke up."
And Inej smiled then, the smile of a funeral-goer. She walked past him, had her hand on the door, and he said wait.
Kaz was standing in front of his own fireplace now. Inej turned, her face drawn, clouded.
Kaz had already taken off his coat. He raised his hands slowly, damn their shaking, and unbuttoned his gloves, laying them on the mantle.
Inej's eyes got very wide, shock and disbelief. She kept searching his face, looking for a trick. He held out his hand, his fingers poised to...
To remove her knives. If she stepped closer. If she wanted to step closer. Or maybe he was reading this all wrong, maybe...
She did, walked back across the room, and it seemed to take an eternity and only a heartbeat untill she was there, until they were almost toe to toe.
Kaz drew her knives out, there were a lot more on her now than in the dream, but he was glad of it, it gave him time to think.
He'd had a fiasco, with the tea earlier. He didn't know how to avoid that.
When people pressed in too tightly, when the waters started to rise, he would try to focus on the talking, the laughing, the moving, signs of life.
Inej would be warm, under his touch, which was good. He could smell her hair oil, from this distance, that was good too. Her breath was coming in shallow but steady waves.
The last knife was out. He looked to her, held his hand out again, asked may I like he remembered her saying.
Yes.
He fit his hand on her waist, but stepped towards her. He didn't feel comfortable pulling her to his body, no matter what dream-him had done.
She had said he'd been slow, in the vision. He couldn't have sped up if he wanted too, raising his hand to her face, trying to stay in his body, focus on her warm, the give of her stomach under his thumb, the wisps of hair curling around his other hand.
Kaz settled his hand more on her neck and hair than face. Hair was good, he didn't have any bad memories with it, especially Inej's hair.
Kaz and Inej had had to dance, once, for a job they were running. Kaz had held her waist with one hand and her other hand in his other. He didn't have the cane, had been trying not to grimace all night, but for the minute and a half they floated around the dance floor, the time he knew he should be listening intently to the mercher conversations, like Inej was, he couldn't pick up a single thing they were saying. Inej was in his arms, was throwing him a smile every once in a while, he wasn't dancing horribly, somehow, and he even forgot the pain in his leg, because he was so close to her, holding her, and he hadn't been panicking.
Kaz hadn't held Inej like this before, a hand in her hair, and she had closed her eyes when his hand came to the side of her head, and Kaz could stare openly at her, and the two fresh tears tracks running down her cheeks.
He pulled his hands away.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Inej, don't cry, that was a terrible idea." But Inej was shaking her head, grabbing him by the waistcoat hiding her face against his chest and she was saying it was good, so good, I've never, been touched like that, so...gently...and Kaz's arms had come around her, automatically, and he had no idea how he was doing so well, maybe because it was all happening so fast, he didn't have time to freak out or process or work himself up about it, so he leaned down, to where Inej was still hiding herself against him, and whispered we're here, Inej, I want you and she choked on her words but managed to say, again. So he said it again, we're here, Inej, I want you, feeling desperate himself, half mad, maybe the poison was still in their veins, maybe the near scrape with death, twice today, maybe it was because he'd panicked at the tea meeting, he was already strung out, maybe, maybe
Maybe he'd wanted it for years.
He said it to her again, and again, until Inej leaned back from his chest, wiped her eyes, and he moved his hands to her elbows instead of his back, and it was really quite a shock, how easily he was moving his hands on her, he could have been doing this the whole time, they could have been...
But they couldn't have. Not really. Because Kaz had only just paid off Inej's indenture. They couldn't have done it, labor laws what they are, Ghezen would not approve--
Kaz didn't want to think about Ghezen, he wanted to think about Inej.
She was looking up at him, and he remembered the next part, how Inej had pictured it, but--
"If you want to kiss me, do it."
The words had barely left his mouth before Inej was leaning up and forward.
And then her mouth, on his.
Kaz didn't know what to do. Her hands were on his lapels, and he tried pushing his lips forward, but that made it feel strange, so he tried relaxing, opening his mouth slightly, and then her bottom lip was fitting between his, and he sucked, automatically, and Inej made a sound.
Inej made a sound.
So he did it again, harder, tried to remember how Wylan and Jesper had looked earlier, how it looked when people kissed.
Inej was taking lead now, moving her mouth to bring his bottom lip between her teeth, and he probably made a similar noise, he thought, because he thought he might keel over, and Inej moved her hands up to the back of his head, her thumbs on his throat, but it made him feel like she was going to choke him, and the skin, the slide--
He jerked, just a little, but Inej noticed, pulled back, breathing hard.
Kaz held on to the mantle for balance, put his other hand on his good knee, so he was bent double.
Was this what it felt like for everyone? How on earth did anyone get anything done, when they could just kiss all day?
"That was a lot." Inej sounded breathless, Kaz's head shot up, checking to see if she was scared, or panicking. But she just looked flushed, catching her breath.
"I thought I...couldn't. Do that." Kaz's voice was hoarse.
"Me neither."
And Inej was smiling at him, saying saints, we could have done that years ago and Kaz said, no, not while I had your indenture, it wouldn't have been right.
Inej was so quiet he looked up at her again, worried he'd said something wrong. But Inej's eyes were shining, and she did that blessing motion she did, brought her hand to her forehead and then to her chest, even though Kaz was no Holy Place, no Saint.
"Can I kiss you again, Kaz?"
"Just..."
And here he was, himself. He might have played out her fantasy, but it would stop now, the firelight couldn't cover it up, couldn't cover him up.
"...not my neck, like that, I thought...you would choke me.. or something, it's ridiculous, I'm sorry." But then Inej was there, pushing his hair back from his face, careful not to touch his skin, it's okay Kaz, I get worried like that too, and he breathed a sigh of relief at that, horribly, hating how messed up he was, hating even more that Inej was as messed up as him, but secretly relived that she understood.
"Inej?"
And he was still bent over, bracing a hand on his leg, kept his eyes on the floor. He had something to ask, something he was considering calling off the whole night instead of asking, but he was so desperate, so desperate for her, that things like dignity had flown out the window.
"Can I put my gloves back on?"
Inej pulled away from him then, took her hands off his hair, and that was it, he thought, of course she didn't want to kiss a man with gloves on, like some basket case, but then Inej was fitting them over his hands, and Kaz had straightened up, and then Kaz held Inej's face in his hands, and he could still feel the warmth through the gloves, or maybe he was just imagining things, but either way he leaned down, closer, closer, but still let Inej be the one to close the distance.
It was better, this time. He was less freaked out with gloves on, could focus more on mouths and breath, and Inej was so alive like this, it was easier than hugging her, like this he could feel how warm and wet she was, and there was so much movement in kissing, dead people didn't move--
Inej slipped her arms around his waist, her fingertips on his spine, and he had a hand at the back of her head now, feeling her braid, and her hips were against his, he was getting hard, but Inej wasn't pulling away.
"Inej, I'm, I'm..."
"I know, let's, let's..."
He turned toward the bed, but Inej said no, no, not there and Inej pushed Kaz onto the strange sort of settee in the corner, and Inej asked Can I sit on your lap? and Kaz would have said no yesterday, would have said no an hour ago, twenty minutes ago, the idea of someone's weight on him, but anything seemed possible now. Anything.
Inej carefully lowered herself on top of him, till all her weight, her heat, everything, seemed to be grinding directly onto his cock. Kaz let his head fall back against the cushions, he felt delirious, impossible, Inej put her hands on either side of his head, and he brought his gaze up to meet hers. How does that feel, Kaz? but she wasn't asking to really know, she was teasing, she could feel how he felt, how hard he was now.
Kaz lifted his head, brought his hands slowly to her waist, and he had seen people feel on each other, in the alleys and clubs, he knew what it looked like, but to do it himself.
It felt like dancing, dancing a dance he had forgotten he had learned, maybe he never had, but whose steps he seemed to know inside his bones.
"What do you want Inej?"
"A house in the country. Goats. I want to hunt slavers. I want...I want to know what you look like when...when you finish."
Kaz closed his eyes tightly. Maybe he was still on his back, filled with poison, maybe it was all a mirage, maybe he just needed a butterfly, but then Inej leaned down and whispered in his ear, we're here, Kaz, I want you and his hands tightened on her waist, and the motion made her grind down even harder, and Kaz moaned, then, damn who heard him.
"Whatever you want Inej. I'll get you a house, a ship, anything, anything, I'll buy you anything." and she was still next to his ear, rolling her hips over him, saying how Kerch and Kaz rolled his eyes, laughed, despite himself, he was so Kerch, wasn't he?
"What about the last thing, Kaz? Will you give me that?"
I want to know what you look like when...when you finish, she had said.
Kaz nodded wildly, looked around, for what, he wasn't sure.
"I want to...to take you inside me, Kaz."
Kaz stared at her, her face, he knew disbelief was written all over his.
"Really?"
Inej leaned back, slightly, took her hands off the cushions, twisted her fingers together, "We're about to fight...shadow monsters. With a sword. Not even a tank, or a repeating rifle...I...I get scared sometimes, all the time, of dying, of getting knocked down and feeling life drain away and knowing I didn't...try. With you. That I had been too cowardly, let that Lynx keep me forever. You can keep you clothes on, mostly, I think."
Kaz nodded, "I think the...the same thing, too. That I'll die without..." his voice trailed off.
"When you touch yourself, do you have to wear the gloves?" Inej's voice was so pragmatic, not a hint of seduction, it somehow made Kaz squirm even more, that she could talk like this so openly, no, he said, more than a little proud, I'm still...normal, there, I think and Inej said I don't care about normal Kaz, really and he said Okay sorry, I...I don't have to wear the gloves. For that.
Inej pulled farther back then, until she was standing in front of him. He felt cold without her.
"Take off whatever you want to, then," she said.
He wanted to take everything off, but, realistically that might not work.
Kaz had never got this far, in this little fantasy. When he imagined it, he was always normal, and naked, didn't have to adhere to practicalities.
Kaz palmed himself over his pants. He was hard, but he wanted to be harder. He was suddenly, stupidly, worried about being too small, or too big. What if he had a funny shape, or color?
Kaz unbuttoned his pants, pulled himself out of his shorts, but kept his shirt smoothed down, so none of his hips or stomach was exposed. He ran a hand over himself again, and he heard Inej make a little noise.
His eyes flicked to hers. He wanted to be cocky, cool, act like it didn't matter, that it was routine, but he couldn't, even he wasn't that good of a con-man, and he doubted Inej would like that anyway.
Her hand replaced his, gently tugging, and Kaz could watch the sight forever, the look of her fingernails, her skin against his, the feel of the callouses. He tipped his head back, squirmed against the sofa, Inej, Inej.
"Do you want to, Kaz? Be inside me? Tell the truth, please, I'll know if you're lying."
And his eyes found hers, and that was horrible, dangerous, her eyes. He said, yes, yes, I want to, more than anything, any kruge, Inej winced, and said, don't talk about kruge, but she slipping her pants down, and her shirt was long, he couldn't...see anything, and then she was climbing over him, and swallowing his sorrys, and then her tongue was slipping into his mouth at the same that she was guiding him inside her, and he didn't know what to do, just let his mouth open, let his hips tilt upward, until he was swallowing Inej's sighs.
She sank down on him slowly. Kaz kept having to close his eyes to calm down and then open them again, terrified of missing a second of it.
Inej put a hand on the sofa behind him and another flat on his chest, and then she started to move up and down, up and down, and Kaz kept his hands on her waist, kept pulling her toward him, and he wanted to say something, for her, but also to keep himself distracted, so he wouldn't finish too early.
"I've thought about this, Inej. And taking you out to breakfast. And when I pass a flower seller I always look for wild geraniums. I'll buy you some, when we get home, and I'll buy a box seat at the ballet for us, and I'll buy you a ship, and a crew, and I'll buy you a hundred more knives..."
"Will you kiss me? Will you hold my hand?"
She was starting to sweat with the effort, and Kaz loved the sheen, and then he remembered he was being so Kerch, with the buying buying buying he change tactics, sat up as little straighter, "We'll go on a walk together every Sunday we can. And I'll bring you tea in bed or...or where you want. I'll learn to cook, Inej, I'll read to you, I'll...anything, anything, I'll hold your hand, and hold you, like this, without gloves, one day. I'll dance with you again..."
"You'll hold my hand?"
Inej asked again, and she was panting, and Kaz had never felt his good in life, the heat of her, the pressure, the pace, he had never felt so held, like this, so taken, so...he wouldn't last much longer.
"I'll hold your hand, Inej. I'll hold you hand."
And he did, took his right hand from her waist and covered the hand she had lain on his chest, curling his fingers around the edge of hers, and Inej leaned down to him and whispered, I want you to finish like this Kaz, inside me and he said you do? and Inej, still rolling her hips said, I'll buy the leaves tomorrow, we passed a woman selling them today, but I want to feel it, feel you inside me when--
And that was when Kaz lost it, gripped her hand and felt his hips bucking up, over and over until he was done. And then he opened his eyes and moved his left hand over Inej's shirt-covered stomach, like he'd be able to feel himself though the shirt, through her skin and muscle which he couldn't, of course but.
Inej leaned back from the cushion, brought her other hands over his, over her stomach, curled her fingers around his to match.
He could feel himself softening inside her, and what an insane thought, one he never thought he'd get to think, with Inej or anyone, anyone.
"You okay?"
He nodded, too much, and said, "Are you? Do you need anything?" and Inej said, "I'll run down a get a little food later, some soup or something." and Kaz said, "I'll get it, just tell me when," and Inej said "Okay".
They stayed like that for a few more moments, and then Inej pushed herself off on shaking legs, said she needed to go to the washroom, and Kaz was tucking himself away.
And he suddenly felt horrible, dirty, she had been all around him, and suddenly she was two feet away, working her pants over her feet, and not looking at him.
Kaz got on the floor, on his knees, pulled the pant leg around her ankle, up her shin, for one leg, then the other, and Inej was looked at him, sort of strangely, with a bit of wonder, and he pulled them over her knees but then Inej was taking the fabric from him, saying don't look and he closed his eyes but he could feel the air change, she had stood up, to pull them over her hips, and for a second,
For a second her could smell her.
And then her hands were pushing his hair back, and he opened his eyes, took her hand in his gloved ones and said are you okay? Was it okay? Did I hurt you? and Inej nodded and said I feel good, I just want to get something to eat and Kaz pulled himself up to standing, ran his hands up her arms and said I'll get it, I'll get it, you relax, and she said okay I need to go freshen up, though and Kaz said, just sit down, I'll get you water, or and Inej was rolling her eyes, but fondly, and said no Kaz, I, women, All Women Have to go to the bathroom, after, okay? and Kaz stepped back, nodded, he had no idea what she was saying, what she had to go do, and he was so out of his depth, and this was harder than the sex part, somehow, trying to figure out how to act after, and he was probably literally wringing his hands because Inej said, soup, please, just get soup, and that was good, because it was an order, and Kaz, despite what people liked to say, knew how to follow orders.
So he went down the hall and got the soup, it was beet, and sort of sweet, and a bit of cake, too, and then the innkeeper's boy was handing him a tray, and Kaz thanked Ghezen they had first floor rooms, he didn't have to manage the stairs with a tray, and he shouldered open the door to his room and Inej was sitting on the sofa, with a blanket from the bed around her.
He set it down on the sofa, but stayed standing.
"Do you need anything else? Want anything else?"
Inej shook her head. Kaz sat down.
Inej had her soup. Kaz stared at her till she quirked an eyebrow at him, then looked at his hands instead.
His head was spinning already at the danger of it, if they were tied like this. People could use her to get to him, could use him to get to her.
A risky move. Worth it, worth it to make her...
"Inej did you...finish?"
Kaz had heard Jesper talk about this. About asking girls afterwards, and during, or...
Inej's face flickered for a second, and then she said, no, very firmly, and then she was smiling, and then laughing and Kaz had no idea, again, no idea what was going on.
"I...I've never got to say that before, I used to have to...lie. But no, I didn't, I didn't finish."
She sounded, proud, somehow, her mouth stained with the beet soup.
"Do you want me to...I can..." Kaz actually had no idea what he could do, but he was willing to try anything, and if tonight had taught him nothing else, it was that the rules he made up for himself in his head weren't real, not always, that he was capable of much more than he thought...
But Inej was shaking her head anyway, "Not tonight. I'm tired now. But I liked it. I'm glad...we...are you? Glad?"
Kaz ran a hand through his hair, "Today was the best day of my life, Inej. I..."
And then his voice faltered. He felt exposed, now, felt vulnerable, he wanted to hide behind his walls again, act like nothing had happened, but he couldn't do that to Inej. He cleared his throat.
"Best day of my life. If you ever want...want to..again...show me, show me what to do, to...make you feel good." His face was burning, but Inej leaned forward, then held herself back, just above his lips, and how wild the gesture was, how new, yet Kaz felt like he'd done it a hundred times, and he let his mouth slip forward to meet hers, and she tasted like the sweet beet soup, and he thought, dimly, when they got married, that they would serve that exact soup at the reception, he would ask the innkeeper for the method tomorrow, or, Ghezen, he'd just pay the in-keeper to come to the wedding party, one in Ketterdam, another with her caravan, wherever they were. Inej would probably want that, he could probably get a reduced rate, with the quantity of soup, but shipping costs to Ketterdam what they were...
Kaz smiled against Inej's mouth. They could die tomorrow, certainly, but they might not, and oh, what a life they would have, if they lived.